I get it!

[LisaUk]

Thanks Tojaz, I think I have almost given up hope though, as sad as it is, I can't see a way back to him.

 

After he left I spoke to him serveral times, I've already told him I undertand that I should have been calmer, argued less,(not that there had been loads of arguments in the last couple of years), but he readily admits that after a bad time 3 years ago I had already done this, as he asked. That I had calmed my temper, that I wasn't as strong or forceful with my opinions as I used to be. He's so contradictoray, one min he's saying "you had such strong views, I just brushed my feelings aside to avoid an argument or hurting you" the next he's saying "although you weren't really like that in the later years".

 

So he has complained that he felt he could not talk to me, yet he says I already did as he asked.

 

I caught him out lying to me years and years ago, when we were seventeen. He told me, "i only lied to protect your feelings, as I knew it would upset you". I nearly split with him then, but we talked and I thought he understood that it didn't matter if something was going to upset me, without honesty a relationship is already broken, it can't survive. The next time I caught him out on a lie we had been together 13 years, I was so upset at his dishonesty, but I was so invested in the relationship and so in love with him by then I talked it through with him and again he promised never to lie to me again. My gut was screaming, get out, get out, but my heart said, no stay you love this man.

 

By the time I caught him lying again, about another year later, I figured this was a character flaw I either had to live with it or leave. I stayed. Little did I know the lies I caught him out on weren't isolated incidents, that he had been lying about everything the whole time. His feelings, his views, his likes, his dislikes, how he felt about me, that he was comitted to me and thought of me as his wife, that he was happy for me to stay home, that each time we had a discussion and he said he was happy with the decision, he lied.

 

Heres an example of the extent of his dishonesty. We had a new kitchen fitted just 8 weeks before he left. We spent 2 hours in the showroom choosing the kitchen, after it was fitted he came home form work and said, "yeah, I suppose it's quite nice, it's not what I would of choosen though"! WTF! Did I not stand with him and discuss it with him then or was it a dream?

 

You see, anyway I'm going on and on, I just feel no matter what I did, I could do nothing right. It felt like a struggle to ask him to work at the relationship. We also believe he suffered with ADD(although he was never formerly diagnosed), so his attention span was terrible, it was much cause of my frustaration and snapping at him, it was exhausting constantly having to repeat myself and remind him of things. To be honest it was like having a child to look after a lot of the time.

 

(I have to go, I will continue this post a bit later)

[LisaUk]

Anyway, sorry I digressed! No one needs to hear me going on and on.

 

The thing is, I am giving up hope, I look within myself and try to see what it was that I did to contribute to this and I can see I'm not blameless, but I don't think I could have done any more than I already have. My doctor has suggested that this may not even be to do with me, that given the circumstances, the length of the engaement and his contradictory behaviour, his childhood, that he may be experiencing a fear of commitment or more specifically Gamaphobia. She has made me an appointment to see a counsellor.

 

What kills me is that in the end, he walked away without so much as giving me a proper explanation or a chance to work on the things he raised. Those issues he did raise AFTER he left, he would not try to resolve. I offered to go to counselling with him, to come home for a 3 month trial, he just said he didn't love me anymore and we were the people we are and we should be true to ourseleves.

 

So, no, I can't see a way back to him, even though I love him like he is a part of me. We are complete NC, as far as he is concerned he doesn't want to hear from me again (as it is preventing him from moving on), for a least a couple of years, when we may be able to be friends.

 

Breaks my heart.

[KTMRider33]

Lisa,.....your comment about the kitchen made me smile, I had exactly the same, all tiled and finished about 8 weeks before she left, almost word for word.

As all the great people on here will tell you, it's NOT ABOUT YOU.

You cannot find reason in insanity, I have spent hours trying to reason, what I had done wrong, what I could have done to save my marriage.

Just before she left,she admitted she did not give me a chance.

She has since recanted, and it's, my fault she felt out of love.

They will twist and turn more than a twisty turny thing (Blackadder?)....

Stay NC, it will help, I am LC, because of kids, but she has made it plain she would rather not have any contact (Having too much fun with OM) I understand silence is golden.

Chin up love......

[LisaUk]

Lisa,.....your comment about the kitchen made me smile, I had exactly the same, all tiled and finished about 8 weeks before she left, almost word for word.

As all the great people on here will tell you, it's NOT ABOUT YOU.

You cannot find reason in insanity, I have spent hours trying to reason, what I had done wrong, what I could have done to save my marriage.

Just before she left,she admitted she did not give me a chance.

She has since recanted, and it's, my fault she felt out of love.

They will twist and turn more than a twisty turny thing (Blackadder?)....

Stay NC, it will help, I am LC, because of kids, but she has made it plain she would rather not have any contact (Having too much fun with OM) I understand silence is golden.

Chin up love......

 

Thanks for that, really helps to know I am not alone and not going insane! Freaky about the kitchen as well! Unbelievable isn't it?!

 

Are you British? You sound British like me? (Think it was Blackadder!)

[KTMRider33]

Thanks for that, really helps to know I am not alone and not going insane! Freaky about the kitchen as well! Unbelievable isn't it?!

 

Are you British? You sound British like me? (Think it was Blackadder!)

 

No you're not insane, it just feels a bit like it, like a bad dream that you may wake up from.

If you can see your marriage failing apart over a long period I suppose you prepare for the worst, but a lot of us get 'the speech' out of the blue, and the shock; rocks you to the core, nearly fell in to the abyss myself, but stepped back from the edge, you can't let the monster that now inhabits your stbx's body win.....it's feeds on our fear and despair.

Yes I am a Brit; Cup O'tea, Marmite, Fog, Mary Poppins.......etc.

Living in sunny Cornwall, trying to remember that I live in a beautiful place an I need to get out and enjoy it.

BTW...when I saw your first post I thought for a moment, you might be OM's ex fiancé (she's called Lisa) obviously you're not but that would have been weird!!!!!

[LisaUk]

No you're not insane, it just feels a bit like it, like a bad dream that you may wake up from.

If you can see your marriage failing apart over a long period I suppose you prepare for the worst, but a lot of us get 'the speech' out of the blue, and the shock; rocks you to the core, nearly fell in to the abyss myself, but stepped back from the edge, you can't let the monster that now inhabits your stbx's body win.....it's feeds on our fear and despair.

Yes I am a Brit; Cup O'tea, Marmite, Fog, Mary Poppins.......etc.

Living in sunny Cornwall, trying to remember that I live in a beautiful place an I need to get out and enjoy it.

BTW...when I saw your first post I thought for a moment, you might be OM's ex fiancé (she's called Lisa) obviously you're not but that would have been weird!!!!!

 

Hi, ok now I'm a bit worried, although probably also a bit paranoid. I am an ex fiance! I live in Devon. I don't think my ex went off with anyone, but s*it now I'm a bit freaked. Where does the OM live? My ex lives near London and so did I until recently. No I'm being silly? Please reply!

 

Thanks for the kind words as well, I didn't even get "the speech", I think he tried to get me to break off our wedding and do his dirty work for him, I think mind games describes it fairly well, then he just left. When I called, he came out with loads of stuff he had never mentionnned before. You know what I mean, which ever way they tell you it's a shock

Hope we are in for a good summer, can't wait to get to the beech, am in Paignton.

[KTMRider33]

Lisa, no deffo not you, I first met this guy when my wife was working with him in the same school, he was engaged to a really hot young teacher they where about two weeks away from the wedding and they split up (think he dumped her)......last year I met him again at a concert with his most recent fiancé, apparently he recently bought a house with her (In Cornwall) the story they are telling is that he split up with her and then professed his love for my wife!!!!! What a total shameless cock end

Well by all accounts his ex is a 'nutter' total psycho (that's their story).....my question was, if she was such a nutter why did he ask her to marry him, and buy a house with her?

I suspect that she turned 'psycho' when like me she found about them.

I am doing some subtle investigation to track her down, it would be nice to have a chat.

Sorry to have worried you, last thing you need at the moment.

Paingnton very nice.....hope this weather holds for the weekend, and there is some swell could do with waxing the board down, and surfing my lying cheating w***e of a soon to be ex wife out of my life.

[tojaz]

Anyway, sorry I digressed! No one needs to hear me going on and on.

 

The thing is, I am giving up hope, I look within myself and try to see what it was that I did to contribute to this and I can see I'm not blameless, but I don't think I could have done any more than I already have. My doctor has suggested that this may not even be to do with me, that given the circumstances, the length of the engaement and his contradictory behaviour, his childhood, that he may be experiencing a fear of commitment or more specifically Gamaphobia. She has made me an appointment to see a counsellor.

 

What kills me is that in the end, he walked away without so much as giving me a proper explanation or a chance to work on the things he raised. Those issues he did raise AFTER he left, he would not try to resolve. I offered to go to counselling with him, to come home for a 3 month trial, he just said he didn't love me anymore and we were the people we are and we should be true to ourseleves.

 

So, no, I can't see a way back to him, even though I love him like he is a part of me. We are complete NC, as far as he is concerned he doesn't want to hear from me again (as it is preventing him from moving on), for a least a couple of years, when we may be able to be friends.

 

Breaks my heart.

 

Sometimes, nothing can be done. That has very little to do with hope. I have 46 days of married life left. The last time I was with her, she threw a chair at me. I still have hope. In the end, I'll know that I fought, and I tried, and i did everything in my power to keep the woman I love. To keep my marriage. It probably will not make a difference, but if I fight the good fight and lose, at least i can sleep at night knowing I did everything I could. I'd rather go down swinging then cowering in a corner waiting for the end. I can tell by your posts, that you are very much the same way. Embrace what is real, but don't give up hope.

 

P.S. I liked the little TwilightZone moment you and KTM had there, I was kind of freaked out just reading it.

TOJAZ

[LisaUk]

Lisa, no deffo not you, I first met this guy when my wife was working with him in the same school, he was engaged to a really hot young teacher they where about two weeks away from the wedding and they split up (think he dumped her)......last year I met him again at a concert with his most recent fiancé, apparently he recently bought a house with her (In Cornwall) the story they are telling is that he split up with her and then professed his love for my wife!!!!! What a total shameless cock end

Well by all accounts his ex is a 'nutter' total psycho (that's their story).....my question was, if she was such a nutter why did he ask her to marry him, and buy a house with her?

I suspect that she turned 'psycho' when like me she found about them.

I am doing some subtle investigation to track her down, it would be nice to have a chat.

Sorry to have worried you, last thing you need at the moment.

Paingnton very nice.....hope this weather holds for the weekend, and there is some swell could do with waxing the board down, and surfing my lying cheating w***e of a soon to be ex wife out of my life.

 

 

No worries, I can add paranoid wreck to the list now as well!

 

Your ex is in for a big shock! This guy is gonna do to her what he has done to all the others. She thinks she's different, special somehow, not to this guy, I'm telling you, give it some time and she'll be out the door as soon as he finds another gullable women. Hopefully by this time you will have moved on and tell her to **** off.

 

Can't believe it's only been 4 weeks for you, you sound so strong and on top of this.

[LisaUk]

Sometimes, nothing can be done. That has very little to do with hope. I have 46 days of married life left. The last time I was with her, she threw a chair at me. I still have hope. In the end, I'll know that I fought, and I tried, and i did everything in my power to keep the woman I love. To keep my marriage. It probably will not make a difference, but if I fight the good fight and lose, at least i can sleep at night knowing I did everything I could. I'd rather go down swinging then cowering in a corner waiting for the end. I can tell by your posts, that you are very much the same way. Embrace what is real, but don't give up hope.

 

P.S. I liked the little TwilightZone moment you and KTM had there, I was kind of freaked out just reading it.

TOJAZ

 

I know, paranoid or what? What has my ex done to me? I have to get a grip!

 

You are right (as always), I am like you, I need to know I did everything I could. I know I have to get on with my life and I also want to cling to that tiny scrap of hope that he will miss me and call, but I'm also realistic that it's a biilion to one chance. God, I hope he meets a right cow next who cheats on him and treats him like c*ap. Obviously, I would like him to come to his senses without the "aid" of another relationship, but that's my second senerio LOL, ahhhhhhhhhh, I need help!

[PWSX3]

I have shared this before but I'll share it again.

 

When I got married we were very young but I still believe tell death do us part & all that, so I was trying everything to save my marriage.

 

Then someone in my divorce care class said; you can only control what you say, that if you do everything you could then you did what you said when you got married.

You can't control what the other person says or does so if they don't want to hold up to their side then there is nothing you can do about that.

 

I do believe I did what I could, but she didn't want to work on the marriage so that is between her & God now not me.

 

Sometimes we don't have a choice because of what someone else did or said, but we do have a choice of what we will do about it.

[tojaz]

I know, paranoid or what? What has my ex done to me? I have to get a grip!

 

You are right (as always), I am like you, I need to know I did everything I could. I know I have to get on with my life and I also want to cling to that tiny scrap of hope that he will miss me and call, but I'm also realistic that it's a biilion to one chance. God, I hope he meets a right cow next who cheats on him and treats him like c*ap. Obviously, I would like him to come to his senses without the "aid" of another relationship, but that's my second senerio LOL, ahhhhhhhhhh, I need help!

 

Believe me, I am not always right. (One of the reasons the misses states, that I always have to be right:rolleyes:) But this time, I think I am. People like this, tend to attract other people like this, if this is who he wants to be, then someone will give it right back to him. Your a good person, you did what you could and you loved for the right reasons. Unfortunately, people like that can be hard to find, but don't settle for anything less, and that includes him. You deserve it!

TOJAZ

[tojaz]

I have shared this before but I'll share it again.

 

When I got married we were very young but I still believe tell death do us part & all that, so I was trying everything to save my marriage.

 

Then someone in my divorce care class said; you can only control what you say, that if you do everything you could then you did what you said when you got married.

You can't control what the other person says or does so if they don't want to hold up to their side then there is nothing you can do about that.

 

I do believe I did what I could, but she didn't want to work on the marriage so that is between her & God now not me.

 

Sometimes we don't have a choice because of what someone else did or said, but we do have a choice of what we will do about it.

 

What he said!!!

[LisaUk]

Your a good person, you did what you could and you loved for the right reasons. Unfortunately, people like that can be hard to find, but don't settle for anything less, and that includes him. You deserve it!

TOJAZ

 

Thank you and may I suggest you take your own advice!

[LisaUk]

What he said!!!

 

Ditto!

 

Thanks.

[LisaUk]

Can someone help me please, I don't know what happened I was fine and just all of a sudden I start to miss him. God, it hurts so bad, I can't stand this. I just had this wave of "I'll NEVER see him agagin, as long as I live", I don't want this, I want to see him, call him. I know I can't call him, it's not going to achieve anything and he is probably, well most likely just going to upset me even more by saying something like "I don't miss you, this is the right decision". Sorry, this so hard, someone please stop me from calling him.

[Gunny376]

Your having an anxiety attack ~ its common when going through separation/divorce. It will pass.

[Sufferin_Succotash]

Have strength Lisa. Call family... a friend... heck call the library. Get in your car without your phone and drive for a while.

 

Be strong. You are worth it.

[LisaUk]

Thank you. I'm ok now, sorry for the desperate post. It wasn't a panic attack Gunny, I know it probably sounded like one but I have suffered with them fo ryears, but it just felt like a wave of hurt. Have spoken to my mum and had a good cry. Thank you both, I really appreciate it.

[Sufferin_Succotash]

We all do crazy stuff out of desperation. I think that is why I spend as much time on LS as I do right now. Keeps me distracted.

 

You should be proud of how you handled it. You made it through a bad emotional spot without depreciating yourself.

 

I've heard a good cry helps... sometimes I wish I could cry about my situation.

 

Anyway, keep up the good work.

[LisaUk]

Thanks so much, it helps to hear that.

 

I've had a look at your thread, I'm so sorry for you, I just don't know what to say, other than I'm thinking of you.

[Sufferin_Succotash]

Just knowing that we are not alone is helpful.

 

Now go have a pint and send me the tab... it's been awhile since i bought another girl a drink. LOL

[willing]

Can someone help me please, I don't know what happened I was fine and just all of a sudden I start to miss him. God, it hurts so bad, I can't stand this. I just had this wave of "I'll NEVER see him agagin, as long as I live", I don't want this, I want to see him, call him. I know I can't call him, it's not going to achieve anything and he is probably, well most likely just going to upset me even more by saying something like "I don't miss you, this is the right decision". Sorry, this so hard, someone please stop me from calling him.

The man you knew has died. Mourn him. Enjoy his memory of how he was. No use in contacting the Other man that he has become now... his heart is cold to you... no good to you at all. But he's gone now, for good.

Remember the good times you had together.

[tojaz]

Can someone help me please, I don't know what happened I was fine and just all of a sudden I start to miss him. God, it hurts so bad, I can't stand this. I just had this wave of "I'll NEVER see him agagin, as long as I live", I don't want this, I want to see him, call him. I know I can't call him, it's not going to achieve anything and he is probably, well most likely just going to upset me even more by saying something like "I don't miss you, this is the right decision". Sorry, this so hard, someone please stop me from calling him.

 

 

Lisa,

Don't call him!! Take the advice everyone has given, and all the great advice that you have given others. Meltdowns like this happen, you know, I just had one the other day, Stay strong and post when you get the urge to call, it helps.

TOJAZ

[Derek12b]

Keep looking forward Lisa. I feel for ya and I hope your doing well.