Author LisaUk Posted June 28, 2009 Author Share Posted June 28, 2009 Wow, 8 year engagement!! Yeah, commitment issues. I didn't catch that the first time around. I don't know that we had even been engaged a year. Of course were getting divorced, so what do I know:) TOJAZ LOL I thought I'd repeated that sooooooooooooo much everyone would be sick of hearing it. Perhaps I hadn't mentioned it as mush as I thought! Link to post Share on other sites
tojaz Posted June 28, 2009 Share Posted June 28, 2009 No, i remembered after i posted. Hard to keep all the threads i follow staight. Your my favorite though. Tojaz Link to post Share on other sites
Author LisaUk Posted June 28, 2009 Author Share Posted June 28, 2009 Not confused, I just found those statements to be quite strange. (Sounds like you apologize for breathing) Think it's a cultural difference. I was raised to consider others feelings, I didn't want to cause offense to anyone on this board, who was experiencing a divorce, who might have felt offended at my posting as I was not actually married. I "felt" married, due to the circumstances of my relationship. I had previously been posting elsewhere and although the responses were helpful, I was talking mainly with people in their 20's who had only ever had short term relationships. I wanted to post here as I felt those who had been married, experiencing divorce may be more on my wave length and understand my emotions. (They are, they understand how I am feeling totally and have been a big help to me). Perhaps it's just a British thing, but we don't like to offend anyone. I can't really explain it! Link to post Share on other sites
Ariadne Posted June 28, 2009 Share Posted June 28, 2009 Think it's a cultural difference I didn't want to cause offense to anyone Perhaps it's just a British thing we don't like to offend anyone. I can't really explain it! No, that is not a cultural issue. There are tons of British people here and nobody is like that. You sound very insecure and then try and find the way around it to justify it. (Maybe your bf got exhausted to deal with this). Well, at least you had a good number of years of bliss. Be happy about that. Some things just come to an end. Link to post Share on other sites
anne1707 Posted June 28, 2009 Share Posted June 28, 2009 Lisa It is definitely a cultural issue - Ariadne is just full of **** at times. I think everybody else here on LS understood your concerns about whether you were posting in the right forum. Link to post Share on other sites
Author LisaUk Posted June 28, 2009 Author Share Posted June 28, 2009 No, that is not a cultural issue. There are tons of British people here and nobody is like that. You sound very insecure and then try and find the way around it to justify it. (Maybe your bf got exhausted to deal with this). Well, at least you had a good number of years of bliss. Be happy about that. Some things just come to an end. Thanks for your take on it, 18 years is a long time to get exhasted with something though and I think my friends would disagree with you on the insecurity, I'm very outgoing and forward spoken, but also considerate and empathic to others feelings. It's a bit difficult to just put this down to "things end" I feel as though half of me has been ripped away, I need to explore my feelings and come to some closure, so I can move on. Link to post Share on other sites
Ariadne Posted June 28, 2009 Share Posted June 28, 2009 Lisa It is definitely a cultural issue - Ariadne is just full of **** at times. I think everybody else here on LS understood your concerns about whether you were posting in the right forum. Oh yeah, the "separation and divorce" forum. Very complicated. Link to post Share on other sites
Author LisaUk Posted June 28, 2009 Author Share Posted June 28, 2009 Lisa It is definitely a cultural issue - Ariadne is just full of **** at times. I think everybody else here on LS understood your concerns about whether you were posting in the right forum. Thanks! Link to post Share on other sites
Author LisaUk Posted June 28, 2009 Author Share Posted June 28, 2009 No, not controlling at all. Very understanding, gentle and supportive, caring. Thing is we got together aged 15 years, so 3 years in we were 18 years old and off to college! Marriage? Too young, not practical. I moved in with him aged 23, after 8 years. He proposed 2 years later, aged 26 (him), 25 (me), then an 8 year engagement. (18 years total). Gunny, perhaps on reflection I answered this a bit quickly? What constitutes controlling? Anyone? Link to post Share on other sites
anne1707 Posted June 28, 2009 Share Posted June 28, 2009 No problem - us Brits just understand the importance of being polite Link to post Share on other sites
Ariadne Posted June 28, 2009 Share Posted June 28, 2009 No problem - us Brits just understand the importance of being polite Yeah, everyone does, not just Brits. Link to post Share on other sites
anne1707 Posted June 28, 2009 Share Posted June 28, 2009 Yeah, everyone does, not just Brits. I don't disagree at all. Just a shame you could not be polite to Lisa. Link to post Share on other sites
Author LisaUk Posted June 28, 2009 Author Share Posted June 28, 2009 Yeah, everyone does, not just Brits. I didn't mean to imply only Brits were polite. Everyone on here has been fantastic and really caring and supportive. Perhaps, we could just agree to diagree now on the cultural issues? Link to post Share on other sites
Author LisaUk Posted June 28, 2009 Author Share Posted June 28, 2009 What is important is that there are people on here who are going through one of the most stressful and emotionally upsetting events in life, along with death, it's right up there in the top two. Link to post Share on other sites
anne1707 Posted June 28, 2009 Share Posted June 28, 2009 Sorry Lisa - me having a spat with Ariadne on your thread is not on Link to post Share on other sites
Author LisaUk Posted June 28, 2009 Author Share Posted June 28, 2009 Sorry Lisa - me having a spat with Ariadne on your thread is not on No apology necessary Anne, I appreciated you sticking up for me! Thanks. Link to post Share on other sites
Nomad1 Posted June 28, 2009 Share Posted June 28, 2009 Hey Lisa, Totnes is beautiful, but perhaps too quiet for me. Are you a Londoner? Sorry to read about what you are going through, but hey, there are new beginnings to look forward to. It was sunny in London today. I had a barbie and went to the outdoor pool. Take care Nomad1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author LisaUk Posted June 28, 2009 Author Share Posted June 28, 2009 Hey Lisa, Totnes is beautiful, but perhaps too quiet for me. Are you a Londoner? Sorry to read about what you are going through, but hey, there are new beginnings to look forward to. It was sunny in London today. I had a barbie and went to the outdoor pool. Take care Nomad1 thanks Nomad, don't think I have ever been in more pain than right now. No, I'm from Devon, but I lived in London with my ex for 10 years. Thought it would be hot there, it usually is this time of year. Sounds like you had fun today, it rained here so no beach for me Link to post Share on other sites
Author LisaUk Posted June 28, 2009 Author Share Posted June 28, 2009 Gunny, perhaps on reflection I answered this a bit quickly? What constitutes controlling? Anyone? Anyone give me examples? Probably a silly question I know, but perhaps others have different ideas about what's controlling than I do? Link to post Share on other sites
tojaz Posted June 28, 2009 Share Posted June 28, 2009 According to my wif it's having an opinion.:laugh: Just kidding. I would say that anytime the exert their will over you would be controlling. Badgering you to get their way, keeping you out of the loop on the financials(like transfering money out of a joint account, hint hint), dangling a wedding date in front of you for 8 years, trying to convince you to have children when it endangers your health. Thats from the outside looking in sweetie. TOJAZ Link to post Share on other sites
Pradajunkie Posted June 28, 2009 Share Posted June 28, 2009 Anyone give me examples? Probably a silly question I know, but perhaps others have different ideas about what's controlling than I do? my husband likesto be controlling his weapon of choice is money... take for example I want to go buy something, maybe something for the house like dishes he'llsay no right now we need the extra money in savings then he'll go golfing and spend more than I would have on the dishes... or the other famous thing he likes to do to me, I have a night scheduled out with my girlfriends he'll call me and say he's running late but he'll be here by a certain time. Then he'll show up several hours afterwards and say "I told you I was running late" Just to make sure I didn't go. PJ Link to post Share on other sites
Author LisaUk Posted June 28, 2009 Author Share Posted June 28, 2009 According to my wif it's having an opinion.:laugh: Just kidding. I would say that anytime the exert their will over you would be controlling. Badgering you to get their way, keeping you out of the loop on the financials(like transfering money out of a joint account, hint hint), dangling a wedding date in front of you for 8 years, trying to convince you to have children when it endangers your health. Thats from the outside looking in sweetie. TOJAZ Yes, point taken! I think the kids thing was an excuse to end things, it's the one thing he thought I would not back down on you see. Guess he didn't bank on me loving him as much as I did/do! Interesting, I can see now you have pointed it out, dangling a wedding date in front of me for 8 years is a form of control. Never thought of it that way before. Link to post Share on other sites
Author LisaUk Posted June 28, 2009 Author Share Posted June 28, 2009 my husband likesto be controlling his weapon of choice is money... take for example I want to go buy something, maybe something for the house like dishes he'llsay no right now we need the extra money in savings then he'll go golfing and spend more than I would have on the dishes... or the other famous thing he likes to do to me, I have a night scheduled out with my girlfriends he'll call me and say he's running late but he'll be here by a certain time. Then he'll show up several hours afterwards and say "I told you I was running late" Just to make sure I didn't go. PJ That's horrid Prada, can I ask, do you think he KNOWS he's being controlling? or do you think he just isn't thinking, being insensitive? Link to post Share on other sites
tojaz Posted June 28, 2009 Share Posted June 28, 2009 Yes, point taken! I think the kids thing was an excuse to end things, it's the one thing he thought I would not back down on you see. Guess he didn't bank on me loving him as much as I did/do! Interesting, I can see now you have pointed it out, dangling a wedding date in front of me for 8 years is a form of control. Never thought of it that way before. Well, everybody is guilty of being controlling at one time or another. I know I am. I knew there where things i could say to make the wife back down, just like there where things she could do to make me back down. Thats controlling. It's when it's deliberate or hurtful that it becomes bad. Like asking you to have kids when he knew the health risks. I had expressed my desire to have children with my wife, but as i started i made it very clear that this desire was not to get in the way of our marriage. She didn't share my view and had we continued we wouldn't have had kids. He should have had the same respect for you. TOJAZ Link to post Share on other sites
Author LisaUk Posted June 28, 2009 Author Share Posted June 28, 2009 Well, everybody is guilty of being controlling at one time or another. I know I am. I knew there where things i could say to make the wife back down, just like there where things she could do to make me back down. Thats controlling. It's when it's deliberate or hurtful that it becomes bad. Like asking you to have kids when he knew the health risks. I had expressed my desire to have children with my wife, but as i started i made it very clear that this desire was not to get in the way of our marriage. She didn't share my view and had we continued we wouldn't have had kids. He should have had the same respect for you. TOJAZ My point exactly, marriage should be about the person, children are a bonus, if you both can or want them. If one doesn't, it shouldn't make a difference right? Link to post Share on other sites
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