Author LisaUk Posted June 29, 2009 Author Share Posted June 29, 2009 There I go, wanting to knock him around again. :mad: Thought you might say something like that! You know one time when I spoke to him after he left, I mentioned my difficulties in gaining employment. He suggested getting my old post back in civil service (there is a reinstatement clause in my contract), I said how? Where am I going to live? (not highly paid enough for London prices), he actually suggested that I sleep on my bestfriends floor, like I'm a dog! It's when I remember things like this, I hope I can't start moving on. Link to post Share on other sites
tojaz Posted June 29, 2009 Share Posted June 29, 2009 Thought you might say something like that! Too American? You know one time when I spoke to him after he left, I mentioned my difficulties in gaining employment. He suggested getting my old post back in civil service (there is a reinstatement clause in my contract), I said how? Where am I going to live? (not highly paid enough for London prices), he actually suggested that I sleep on my bestfriends floor, like I'm a dog! It's when I remember things like this, I hope I can't start moving on. See my previous post!:mad: Just goes to show that he dosen't know his a$$ from a hole in the ground. Anyone who could suggest something like that is not worth your company period! Especialy since he is responsible for your current situation. Link to post Share on other sites
Author LisaUk Posted June 29, 2009 Author Share Posted June 29, 2009 See my previous post!:mad: Just goes to show that he dosen't know his a$$ from a hole in the ground. Anyone who could suggest something like that is not worth your company period! Especialy since he is responsible for your current situation. No not too American, just that my family feel the same way, it is often mentioned about him being in banking! I know you're right. I realised after I posted that previous post I am starting to sound bitter, I will not let him make me into a bitter person. Link to post Share on other sites
tojaz Posted June 29, 2009 Share Posted June 29, 2009 No not too American, just that my family feel the same way, it is often mentioned about him being in banking! I know you're right. I realised after I posted that previous post I am starting to sound bitter, I will not let him make me into a bitter person. Good for you! It's situations like these that make you who you are. You can make a healthy decision or you can be me and beat yourself up. Just kidding. Link to post Share on other sites
Pradajunkie Posted June 30, 2009 Share Posted June 30, 2009 Lisa ya gotta stick to the sisterhood, we (women) are always right even if we are wrong we are right and if all else fails we are still right.... just kidding.... but I couldn't help myself Im feeling a bit naughty today Hey PJ! So true of course! Thanks for your kind words yesterday by the way on Lupa's thread? What you said about finding the joy in life makes sense, I just wish I could do it. I have a lot to be thankful for, great friends, family, my cat, but everything is tinged right now with a fog of sadness. I just enjoyed his company, just being with him, just moments when we were driving somewhere in the car, that closeness and feeling of intimacy, I miss that. It feels like something is missing. Everywhere I go, it feels like something is missing. I just can't shake it. I need to get a job, I feel disposed of, without purpose, I'm not even a housewife anymore, no purpose. My existance shouldn't be defined by another, I know this, I was with him from so young, for so long, now I don't remember what I was like before him. Does that make sense? I guess i'm depressed. Sorry for going on. not at all I completely understand how you feel, but don't see this as a setback see this as an opportunity to redefine yourself. You know when you come back from this you will be stronger, more stable, and improved, you will know you can handle anything that comes your way. Just keep in mind that you deserve better than he could offer you, and right now I know it sounds like a lot of nice words but someday, YOU will see it and believe it PJ Link to post Share on other sites
Author LisaUk Posted June 30, 2009 Author Share Posted June 30, 2009 not at all I completely understand how you feel, but don't see this as a setback see this as an opportunity to redefine yourself. You know when you come back from this you will be stronger, more stable, and improved, you will know you can handle anything that comes your way. Just keep in mind that you deserve better than he could offer you, and right now I know it sounds like a lot of nice words but someday, YOU will see it and believe it PJ Thank you, you really are helping me to turn my thoughts more positive. Link to post Share on other sites
Author LisaUk Posted June 30, 2009 Author Share Posted June 30, 2009 I have shared this before but I'll share it again. When I got married we were very young but I still believe tell death do us part & all that, so I was trying everything to save my marriage. Then someone in my divorce care class said; you can only control what you say, that if you do everything you could then you did what you said when you got married. You can't control what the other person says or does so if they don't want to hold up to their side then there is nothing you can do about that. I do believe I did what I could, but she didn't want to work on the marriage so that is between her & God now not me. Sometimes we don't have a choice because of what someone else did or said, but we do have a choice of what we will do about it. I just re-read my thread, thank you for these words, they are starting to hit home now, my mind is getting clearer, I think. I need to move forwards with my life. Suggestions on how to find some joy in life again would be welcomed?! Link to post Share on other sites
tojaz Posted June 30, 2009 Share Posted June 30, 2009 I would suggest going out and doing something he didn't care for much that you miss. Just a way of recapturing yourself. Watch a movie he wouldn't like etc. I've been doing a lot of that, it helps. TOJAZ Link to post Share on other sites
Author LisaUk Posted June 30, 2009 Author Share Posted June 30, 2009 I would suggest going out and doing something he didn't care for much that you miss. Just a way of recapturing yourself. Watch a movie he wouldn't like etc. I've been doing a lot of that, it helps. TOJAZ That's a good idea, he was fairly easy going though, so will need to give it some thought! Link to post Share on other sites
tojaz Posted June 30, 2009 Share Posted June 30, 2009 You'll find something, even something small. I have some music she didn't care for. Sometimes I just go for a drive and play it loud. New theme song for the new me! TOJAZ Link to post Share on other sites
Author LisaUk Posted June 30, 2009 Author Share Posted June 30, 2009 I'm still thinking! Feeling much more positive today, hope it lasts. My friends daughter (nearly 2) said my name to me on the phone today for the first time! My heart melted. Small joys, that's what we all need to concentrate on. Link to post Share on other sites
tojaz Posted June 30, 2009 Share Posted June 30, 2009 I'm still thinking! Feeling much more positive today, hope it lasts. My friends daughter (nearly 2) said my name to me on the phone today for the first time! My heart melted. Small joys, that's what we all need to concentrate on. Couldn't agree more. Could use some time with my nephews, they always seem to take my mind off things. Link to post Share on other sites
Author LisaUk Posted June 30, 2009 Author Share Posted June 30, 2009 Couldn't agree more. Could use some time with my nephews, they always seem to take my mind off things. Can you arrange some time with them? Have you checked out Helter Skelters thread below, I knew it as soon as I read it, is so like my ex. I'm 99.9% convinced now that's what has happened. I wish I could be 100% though. Link to post Share on other sites
tojaz Posted June 30, 2009 Share Posted June 30, 2009 YES, I read it. If that is truly the way your ex was, I think you can say 100%. That is a shame. A person like that without working through his issues will miss out on a lot of the good things in life. Link to post Share on other sites
TrustInYourself Posted June 30, 2009 Share Posted June 30, 2009 It's their loss though, not yours. You have to live for yourself and not for others. You can not tie your happiness to someone else, unless you are looking for disappointment and pain. Keep it rolling. This is just the beginning. It is going to get better, if you can visualize it and work towards it. I'm happy to see you guys supporting eachother. One of the reasons I still post here is to offer hope. There is always hope, no matter what happens. There are so many possibilities out there, you just have to believe and grasp for them. Link to post Share on other sites
tojaz Posted June 30, 2009 Share Posted June 30, 2009 It's their loss though, not yours. You have to live for yourself and not for others. You can not tie your happiness to someone else, unless you are looking for disappointment and pain. Keep it rolling. This is just the beginning. It is going to get better, if you can visualize it and work towards it. I'm happy to see you guys supporting eachother. One of the reasons I still post here is to offer hope. There is always hope, no matter what happens. There are so many possibilities out there, you just have to believe and grasp for them. Thanks TIY, I really needed that. I wonder if i could pay you to follow me around shouting stuff like that at me. Link to post Share on other sites
TrustInYourself Posted June 30, 2009 Share Posted June 30, 2009 Thanks TIY, I really needed that. I wonder if i could pay you to follow me around shouting stuff like that at me. Then you'd be dependent on me and listening to my voicemails all day. No thanks! ugh. lol. Link to post Share on other sites
Author LisaUk Posted June 30, 2009 Author Share Posted June 30, 2009 YES, I read it. If that is truly the way your ex was, I think you can say 100%. That is a shame. A person like that without working through his issues will miss out on a lot of the good things in life. In some ways yeah, ok examples might help, He worked excessively long hours, brought work home regularly, even on vacation. He left after sex, got up, dressed quickly and went downstairs, no cuddles etc. ( I actually thought this was a habit developed when we were teenagers, as his parents would be coming home etc) The 8 year engagement. Excuses everytime I brought up setting the date. Bolted when we had set the date. When he took out the wedding insurance I caught him gripping the arms of the chair, he said "all feels a bit real". He didn't look after his posessions, including his car, our house, garden. He didn't want us to get the cat (it was a trial on that one), couldn't commit to the responsibility. After he left- "I just became more and more independant" "You were too dependant on me" "I want someone who is as independant as I am and we just come together when we feel like it" "I couldn't be in a realtionship that wasn't 100% perfect" "I feel liberated" "I feel free" "I was thinking about things last night and I'm just starting to figure out more why I did it, I want to be single, it could have been anyone, someone perfect, I just want to be single" "I don't want to have to consider another person, I want to do what I want to do, when I want to do it" Seems like it, but I can't be sure. Link to post Share on other sites
tojaz Posted June 30, 2009 Share Posted June 30, 2009 Then you'd be dependent on me and listening to my voicemails all day. No thanks! ugh. lol. Just when I think I'm at my worst, a post to make me feel even more pathetic, thanks alot TIY!! Just kidding, I get it. Link to post Share on other sites
tojaz Posted June 30, 2009 Share Posted June 30, 2009 In some ways yeah, ok examples might help, He worked excessively long hours, brought work home regularly, even on vacation. He left after sex, got up, dressed quickly and went downstairs, no cuddles etc. ( I actually thought this was a habit developed when we were teenagers, as his parents would be coming home etc) The 8 year engagement. Excuses everytime I brought up setting the date. Bolted when we had set the date. When he took out the wedding insurance I caught him gripping the arms of the chair, he said "all feels a bit real". He didn't look after his posessions, including his car, our house, garden. He didn't want us to get the cat (it was a trial on that one), couldn't commit to the responsibility. After he left- "I just became more and more independant" "You were too dependant on me" "I want someone who is as independant as I am and we just come together when we feel like it" "I couldn't be in a realtionship that wasn't 100% perfect" "I feel liberated" "I feel free" "I was thinking about things last night and I'm just starting to figure out more why I did it, I want to be single, it could have been anyone, someone perfect, I just want to be single" "I don't want to have to consider another person, I want to do what I want to do, when I want to do it" Seems like it, but I can't be sure. Sounds like it to me too. My wife said all the bold ones to me, yet we married. She dosen't really have any of the other traits though. Sounds very selfish to me. Link to post Share on other sites
Author LisaUk Posted June 30, 2009 Author Share Posted June 30, 2009 Yeah, I'm sure I could think of more examples as well. It's not really important anymore, doesn't matter why he's gone, he's gone and I have got to find some happiness for myself again and I will. Link to post Share on other sites
tojaz Posted June 30, 2009 Share Posted June 30, 2009 Thats the spirit. Having thee right attitude makes all the difference. Yes, I know, take my own advice. Link to post Share on other sites
Author LisaUk Posted June 30, 2009 Author Share Posted June 30, 2009 Thanks. Well, it's really late here, so off to bed. Check you tomorrow. Believe in yourself Tojaz. Link to post Share on other sites
tojaz Posted July 1, 2009 Share Posted July 1, 2009 It's not really important anymore, doesn't matter why he's gone, he's gone and I have got to find some happiness for myself again and I will. Thanks. Well, it's really late here, so off to bed. Check you tomorrow. Believe in yourself Tojaz. I will, sounds like you have that all figured out. Sleep well. TOJAZ Link to post Share on other sites
Author LisaUk Posted July 1, 2009 Author Share Posted July 1, 2009 LOL, I wouldn't say I have it all figured out! I'm just starting to feel differently, I'm not sure why yet, just feel like, although I still love him, if he came back now, it would have to be on my terms, not his. I can't really articulate this very well yet, but I think it was partly the realisation that with all the history we had, he could actually bring himself to to this to us, not just to me. He's put me through all this pain, not just the pain of losing him, but of losing my home, my friends, my life and for what reason? Did I do something horendous to him? Did I have an affair, or get him into debt, or disrespect him in some way? No. He just isn't worth it. I'm sad he's done this, I wish he hadn't, I'm sad I will never get to marry him (it kills me that I visualised it all so clearly in that church with him, at the wedding venues, looked at dresses with my bridesmaid), spend my life with him, grow old together. BUT, he has done this and he is no longer the same person to me, I'm beginning to feel less of a connection to him, I just want to find happiness again and I'm going to. Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts