Sufferin_Succotash Posted June 26, 2009 Share Posted June 26, 2009 Stay strong and post when you get the urge to call, it helps. TOJAZ Tojaz is absolutely correct. I find this a good way to avoid a drastic mistake. I fire my phone calls and txt msgs at the LS boards. Link to post Share on other sites
Author LisaUk Posted June 26, 2009 Author Share Posted June 26, 2009 Thanks Gunny, Derek, Tojaz, Suffrin and Willing. I'm so glad I didn't call him now, would have achieved nothing accept me getting more hurt. I had a terrible night. It took 2 hours to fall to sleep, then I woke at 1am, 4am 5am 6am and finally 7am. I dreamt about him all night, nothing unusual in that happens every night, but they were very vivid last night and I remembered them all really claerly on waking. Still, I'm ok today, I know there is no more I can do. Like Willing said, his heart, for whatever reason, is cold to me now. Only he can decide this was a mistake and he may never do that. I have to concentrate on getting myself through this. Link to post Share on other sites
Author LisaUk Posted June 26, 2009 Author Share Posted June 26, 2009 Paingnton very nice.....hope this weather holds for the weekend, and there is some swell could do with waxing the board down, and surfing my lying cheating w***e of a soon to be ex wife out of my life. Looks like Sunay is gonna be hot hot hot! get that board out and I'm gonna get my swimmers out and hit Goodrington! Yay! Hope theres some nice eye candy for you, I hope there some for me as well, sod the ex I can look and buy now! LOL Link to post Share on other sites
KTMRider33 Posted June 26, 2009 Share Posted June 26, 2009 Looks like Sunay is gonna be hot hot hot! get that board out and I'm gonna get my swimmers out and hit Goodrington! Yay! Hope theres some nice eye candy for you, I hope there some for me as well, sod the ex I can look and buy now! LOL Lisa, you got it.....even if there's no surf I'll be there. Was in Porthtowan last night, more candy than pick 'n' mix at Woolies Fill your boots you're allowed. Link to post Share on other sites
Author LisaUk Posted June 26, 2009 Author Share Posted June 26, 2009 Lisa, you got it.....even if there's no surf I'll be there. Was in Porthtowan last night, more candy than pick 'n' mix at Woolies Fill your boots you're allowed. LOL. Are Wollies, we miss you so! I intend to, it's about time I started enjoying myself! Have fun. Link to post Share on other sites
Author LisaUk Posted June 26, 2009 Author Share Posted June 26, 2009 I just spoke to a mutal friend and she has told me she met up with my ex the other weekend. She told me see had to have her say about the way he left me, so she told him she thought he had done it wrong and treated me very badly! He responded in a jokey way, but said "well, I'm sorry I didn't get your approval first" :eek: It really is like invasion of the body snatches isn't it? No one would EVER have thought he would say things like that. Unbelievable, but glad it's not just me who thinks he's lost the plot! Link to post Share on other sites
Author LisaUk Posted June 26, 2009 Author Share Posted June 26, 2009 Just checking in before I'm off to bed. Tomorrow I'm going to a near by city shopping with a friend. I'm looking forward to it, but at the same time I know it's going to be hard as my ex went to uni there (years ago), lots of memories for me. Then again, lots of memories here in our home town as well, guess they are evrywhere, even in your head. I DETERMINED to have a good fun day and not think of him. Goodnight everyone. Link to post Share on other sites
Author LisaUk Posted June 27, 2009 Author Share Posted June 27, 2009 Today went well, I managed to have a good time with my friend, although we did talk about the ex! She is convinced he's lost it! Total commitment phobe, who knows? Only him I guess. Oh, why is this so hard. I just want to feel indifferent to him, not love, not hate, just total indifference! Link to post Share on other sites
Author LisaUk Posted June 27, 2009 Author Share Posted June 27, 2009 It's Saturday night here in the UK (I hate the time difference, all you are going about your day and when sat night comes for you, I'm already asleep), what am I doing, watching tv, posting here. What do I want to be doing ?, on the couch with my ex eating chinese takeout! I still have moments where I can't belive he's done this and this is my life, does anyone else feel like this? Link to post Share on other sites
tojaz Posted June 27, 2009 Share Posted June 27, 2009 I feel like that every day, I still won't sleep on her side of the bed. When I fix dinner, I still grab 2 plates. It takes a long time for habits like that to fade I guess. Just know that it will get easier. Tojaz Link to post Share on other sites
Author LisaUk Posted June 27, 2009 Author Share Posted June 27, 2009 I feel like that every day, I still won't sleep on her side of the bed. When I fix dinner, I still grab 2 plates. It takes a long time for habits like that to fade I guess. Just know that it will get easier. Tojaz Good to know it's not just me! Thanks. Link to post Share on other sites
tojaz Posted June 27, 2009 Share Posted June 27, 2009 No, I'd bet everyone here has feelings like that. TOJAZ Link to post Share on other sites
Gunny376 Posted June 28, 2009 Share Posted June 28, 2009 Gunny, you are right, us women do have a bag. We put past hurts and resentments in that bag, it doesn't mean we haven't forgiven them, it just means if you do something similar, we recall them! To a man, that probably sounds like a contradiction, I know! Do you have any advice for me, can I get my commit phobe ex back? Could I get him to commit? Or am I right in thinking he has to find this out for himself, go NC, hope a bit, but don't bank on him figuring it on and get on with my life? Lisa, I read a lot! I've got a lot of books on various subjects. Less than a handful are fiction. One of the leadership principals I learned in the Marines was "Identify your weaknesses and seek self improvement" I do this daily! Mentally, emotionally, physically etc. The issues you are dealing with with the X, have very little if anything to do with you. You could win the lottery tomorrow, become a multi-millionaire, have the Witch of the West wave her wand over your head, have you click your Ruby Slippers three times and make you into a super model ~ and you would still have the same problems you have with him. Its not you Sweet! Its him ~ and it stems from childhood issues about him and about his life. So until he can figure that out? He's not a chance with you nor anyone? One of God's GREATEST BLESSINGS? Are unanswered prayers! You've got a lot to offer the right man, and with your perspective, attitude and out look on life, there's a damned lucky man out there that's going to be all about you! Your come across a a good woman, and good women are like good jobs! They're out there? BUT! They're few and far between! But what good ones they're are? Are generally already taken, the ones that have them? They've had them for a good long while, and your just about going to have to kill them to get them away. Within three months? We won't see you posting here anymore? You'll be to busy being happy with someone that appreciates you for the unique individual, person, woman you are! You won't be on the market for very long before some lucky guy snacthes you up! Link to post Share on other sites
Author LisaUk Posted June 28, 2009 Author Share Posted June 28, 2009 Lisa, I read a lot! I've got a lot of books on various subjects. Less than a handful are fiction. One of the leadership principals I learned in the Marines was "Identify your weaknesses and seek self improvement" I do this daily! Mentally, emotionally, physically etc. The issues you are dealing with with the X, have very little if anything to do with you. You could win the lottery tomorrow, become a multi-millionaire, have the Witch of the West wave her wand over your head, have you click your Ruby Slippers three times and make you into a super model ~ and you would still have the same problems you have with him. Its not you Sweet! Its him ~ and it stems from childhood issues about him and about his life. So until he can figure that out? He's not a chance with you nor anyone? One of God's GREATEST BLESSINGS? Are unanswered prayers! You've got a lot to offer the right man, and with your perspective, attitude and out look on life, there's a damned lucky man out there that's going to be all about you! Your come across a a good woman, and good women are like good jobs! They're out there? BUT! They're few and far between! But what good ones they're are? Are generally already taken, the ones that have them? They've had them for a good long while, and your just about going to have to kill them to get them away. Within three months? We won't see you posting here anymore? You'll be to busy being happy with someone that appreciates you for the unique individual, person, woman you are! You won't be on the market for very long before some lucky guy snacthes you up! Thanks Gunny! You always make me feel better! Could I just ask what it is about my situation that makes you think my ex is a commitment phobe? Just curious, always good to have someone elses thoughts. Link to post Share on other sites
tojaz Posted June 28, 2009 Share Posted June 28, 2009 It sounded to me that he strung you along for quite some time. Nothing really came to the surface until marriage seemed unavoidable (to him) once the pressure was on to set a date, he ran the other direction. Using every excuse he could. Sounds like a commitment phobe to me. TOJAZ Link to post Share on other sites
Gunny376 Posted June 28, 2009 Share Posted June 28, 2009 The divorce rate either-side of the curve of a relationship is the same for those that get married either too soon (< one year) or too long (> than four years). Ideally if your not married by the third year of the relationship you've by the 2-13 to 3 years into the relationship, statistically? The relationship is doomed. In other words? Somethings wrong! Somethings rotten in Denmark? In your care particular case? Eight years? And your still not married? I don't know that your X is so much a commitaphobe ~ as he is a user and abuser. There are men and women out there who just string others along for as long as they can, using and abusing them, until the other party wants a deeper commitment, and then bail. If you could look back over the course of their lives? You will find they have had a series of such relationships with many different people. Tell me? Was the X a controlling type individual? Link to post Share on other sites
Ariadne Posted June 28, 2009 Share Posted June 28, 2009 I hope it's ok to post on here? I hope it's ok for me to post here I do hope no one minds me posting here ......... Link to post Share on other sites
Author LisaUk Posted June 28, 2009 Author Share Posted June 28, 2009 It sounded to me that he strung you along for quite some time. Nothing really came to the surface until marriage seemed unavoidable (to him) once the pressure was on to set a date, he ran the other direction. Using every excuse he could. Sounds like a commitment phobe to me. TOJAZ Yes, my thoughts too, I guess because he gave excuses/reasons that had some basis of truth to them, it's messing with my head. I've had a good look round the web for relationship advice, spotting the signs of gradual deteriation of a long term relationship, I've gone back over our relationship before setting the date came up. NO SIGNS. (There was a small amount of avoidance on discussing things, evident in the last few months, but nothing major, no major issues), I even filled out a quiz on one site, was really honest with my answers and recieved the response that my realtionship was healthy, a green light?! I dunno, I just don't want to repeat my mistakes in future relationships, is hard to figure the mistakes when it seems he's got a commitment problem, if you see what I mean. His childhood was bad, his parents have stayed together because they don't believe in divorce. He witnessed blazing rows all his life, unhappiness, screaming, shouting, door banging etc etc. They make no secret of the fact that they regret marrying. This affected him badly (he told me something in the last week before he left, which I will never repeat as he told me in confidence, but it affected him badly). I don't know, I guess I have to accept I can't get closure on this, think about the things he raised and try and better myself on those points? Link to post Share on other sites
tojaz Posted June 28, 2009 Share Posted June 28, 2009 The divorce rate either-side of the curve of a relationship is the same for those that get married either too soon (< one year) or too long (> than four years). Ideally if your not married by the third year of the relationship you've by the 2-13 to 3 years into the relationship, statistically? The relationship is doomed. In other words? Somethings wrong! Somethings rotten in Denmark? In your care particular case? Eight years? And your still not married? I don't know that your X is so much a commitaphobe ~ as he is a user and abuser. There are men and women out there who just string others along for as long as they can, using and abusing them, until the other party wants a deeper commitment, and then bail. If you could look back over the course of their lives? You will find they have had a series of such relationships with many different people. Tell me? Was the X a controlling type individual? I don't know about all that, me and the misses where together for 10 years before we got hitched. There wasn't much talk about getting married. We where comfortable the way we where. I finally proposed when I realized I didn't like people refering to her as just my girlfriend. Didn't do justice to how I felt about her. In our minds we had been married for most of that time. Just didn't have the documentation to back it up. I think you had a similar situation Lisa. When he had to make a legal tie to you he bolted. TOJAZ Link to post Share on other sites
Ariadne Posted June 28, 2009 Share Posted June 28, 2009 I'm British and it is polite to ask permission if you are doing something that may offend others. ......... Link to post Share on other sites
Author LisaUk Posted June 28, 2009 Author Share Posted June 28, 2009 The divorce rate either-side of the curve of a relationship is the same for those that get married either too soon (< one year) or too long (> than four years). Ideally if your not married by the third year of the relationship you've by the 2-13 to 3 years into the relationship, statistically? The relationship is doomed. In other words? Somethings wrong! Somethings rotten in Denmark? In your care particular case? Eight years? And your still not married? I don't know that your X is so much a commitaphobe ~ as he is a user and abuser. There are men and women out there who just string others along for as long as they can, using and abusing them, until the other party wants a deeper commitment, and then bail. If you could look back over the course of their lives? You will find they have had a series of such relationships with many different people. Tell me? Was the X a controlling type individual? No, not controlling at all. Very understanding, gentle and supportive, caring. Thing is we got together aged 15 years, so 3 years in we were 18 years old and off to college! Marriage? Too young, not practical. I moved in with him aged 23, after 8 years. He proposed 2 years later, aged 26 (him), 25 (me), then an 8 year engagement. (18 years total). Link to post Share on other sites
Author LisaUk Posted June 28, 2009 Author Share Posted June 28, 2009 I don't know about all that, me and the misses where together for 10 years before we got hitched. There wasn't much talk about getting married. We where comfortable the way we where. I finally proposed when I realized I didn't like people refering to her as just my girlfriend. Didn't do justice to how I felt about her. In our minds we had been married for most of that time. Just didn't have the documentation to back it up. I think you had a similar situation Lisa. When he had to make a legal tie to you he bolted. TOJAZ He would say, "I already think of us as married, you are my wife, we just haven't had the wedding, but we will". Was always an excuse though, "we're moving house, we're renovating the house, we can't afford a big do, we can't afford a good honeymoon, I'm doing my graduate diploma right now, work is looking rocky, etc etc" Fear of legal trapment then? Being trapped (he doesn't belive in divorce, no back door?) Link to post Share on other sites
Author LisaUk Posted June 28, 2009 Author Share Posted June 28, 2009 ......... Ariadne, what don't you understand? Why are you confused? Link to post Share on other sites
tojaz Posted June 28, 2009 Share Posted June 28, 2009 Wow, 8 year engagement!! Yeah, commitment issues. I didn't catch that the first time around. I don't know that we had even been engaged a year. Of course were getting divorced, so what do I know:) TOJAZ Link to post Share on other sites
Ariadne Posted June 28, 2009 Share Posted June 28, 2009 Ariadne, what don't you understand? Why are you confused? Not confused, I just found those statements to be quite strange. (Sounds like you apologize for breathing) Link to post Share on other sites
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