tojaz Posted June 28, 2009 Share Posted June 28, 2009 Thats right, or at least my take on it. If one parent is unwilling, what kind of life would that be for the child. TOJAZ Link to post Share on other sites
Author LisaUk Posted June 28, 2009 Author Share Posted June 28, 2009 I knew there where things i could say to make the wife back down, just like there where things she could do to make me back down. TOJAZ I think I can honestly say I never did this, I was always completely honest with him about everything. I guess that why it hurt so bad when I caught him out on his lies! Link to post Share on other sites
tojaz Posted June 28, 2009 Share Posted June 28, 2009 I think I can honestly say I never did this, I was always completely honest with him about everything. I guess that why it hurt so bad when I caught him out on his lies! I'll bet you did and didn't even know it. Some tears at the right moment always stopped me in my tracks and she knew it. If I raised my voice she would typicly back off. I gets to a point where it's instinct but you look back at arguments and how they end, you start to see some patterns. Nothing wrong with it, but it's there. TOJAZ Link to post Share on other sites
Author LisaUk Posted June 28, 2009 Author Share Posted June 28, 2009 I'll bet you did and didn't even know it. Some tears at the right moment always stopped me in my tracks and she knew it. If I raised my voice she would typicly back off. I gets to a point where it's instinct but you look back at arguments and how they end, you start to see some patterns. Nothing wrong with it, but it's there. TOJAZ I'll give it some thought. I know friends that always ask for things they want after sex, as a man is at his most receptive then! I would never have dreamt of manipulation like that! Perhaps that's were I've gone wrong, way too honest and way to nice! LOL Big headed or what? Link to post Share on other sites
Pradajunkie Posted June 29, 2009 Share Posted June 29, 2009 That's horrid Prada, can I ask, do you think he KNOWS he's being controlling? or do you think he just isn't thinking, being insensitive? in my case it's a mixture of both, He hates when I go out with my g/f's he thinks we go out to flirt with random strangers... which isn't what we do... I love to go dancing and even though I am in my (cough cough) mid 30's I love to have fun I have never disrespected him nor have I ever done anything I wouldn't do right in front of him. He's a bit insecure. The money I think he does out of insensitivity, although I stay at home to take care of our children more so because he wanted me to then I wanted too there's a part of him that resents that I don't have an income. I don't think he does this intentionally.... it's just there, lurking in his head somewhere. But control can be dangling any carrot just out of reach...if he knew you wanted to get married and he dangled it for a long time without commiting to you or cutting you loose that's another form of control/manipulation Imho Link to post Share on other sites
tojaz Posted June 29, 2009 Share Posted June 29, 2009 I'll give it some thought. I know friends that always ask for things they want after sex, as a man is at his most receptive then! This is true, a grateful man is a receptive man, don't remember the wife doing this, but it would have worked, heck, it's been almost three months, I'd probably sign away a kidney right now!!:eek:I would never have dreamt of manipulation like that! Perhaps that's were I've gone wrong, way too honest and way to nice! LOL Big headed or what? Theres nothing bad at all about this. The world could use a few more women like you. TOJAZ Link to post Share on other sites
Author LisaUk Posted June 29, 2009 Author Share Posted June 29, 2009 Tojaz, LOL I know that feeling, isn't just men you know! (By the way, another nice little thing my ex did to me 10 days before he dumped me, swore on his own brothers life he was gonna marry me and there was no way he would leave me, loved me etc etc, in order to get me to have sex with him. I'd say that was damm controlling, wouldn't you?) So, this morning I'm feeling like my ex was a controlling, selfish, commitment phobic b*****d and I deserved better. Gunny's words on your thread were really helpful to me, hope they help you as well. Now, I just have to work on maintaining this feeling of indifference, it's tough, the feelings of love are creeping back in, then I think no heade Gunnys words, he is not good enough for me, why would I want someone who can and has done what he has? Hope this lasts, we shall see, I have an inkling the rollercoaster isn't over yet, but oh I hope it is nearing the end. Link to post Share on other sites
tojaz Posted June 29, 2009 Share Posted June 29, 2009 Tojaz, LOL I know that feeling, isn't just men you know! (By the way, another nice little thing my ex did to me 10 days before he dumped me, swore on his own brothers life he was gonna marry me and there was no way he would leave me, loved me etc etc, in order to get me to have sex with him. I'd say that was damm controlling, wouldn't you?) Yeah, thats pretty much the deffinition of controlling. So, this morning I'm feeling like my ex was a controlling, selfish, commitment phobic b*****d and I deserved better. Gunny's words on your thread were really helpful to me, hope they help you as well. Yes they did, I'm a lot better today. We'll see how long it lasts. Now, I just have to work on maintaining this feeling of indifference, it's tough, the feelings of love are creeping back in, then I think no heade Gunnys words, he is not good enough for me, why would I want someone who can and has done what he has? Hope this lasts, we shall see, I have an inkling the rollercoaster isn't over yet, but oh I hope it is nearing the end. Any feeling you have to maintain, is not a true feeling. It's O.K. to love him and want him, and worry about him. The heart will heal, let it. In the meantime just feel what you feel, if you want to love him, love him, if your angry scream, if the sadness comes cry. Let it happen, don't hide from it. Thats how people become jaded and cynical. You have a warm heart, never lose that, you'll wind up cold like him! Time for work, hang in there and I'll check back when i get home. TOJAZ Link to post Share on other sites
Author LisaUk Posted June 29, 2009 Author Share Posted June 29, 2009 Any feeling you have to maintain, is not a true feeling. It's O.K. to love him and want him, and worry about him. The heart will heal, let it. In the meantime just feel what you feel, if you want to love him, love him, if your angry scream, if the sadness comes cry. Let it happen, don't hide from it. Thats how people become jaded and cynical. You have a warm heart, never lose that, you'll wind up cold like him! Time for work, hang in there and I'll check back when i get home. TOJAZ I really did feel indifference about him, for the first time since it happened, what I meant was, it didn't last long! So, yes I guess your right, it's not a true permenant feeling. Oh, please hurry up and become one though! It felt great for the 5 mins I felt it! Hope work isn't too bad today, have a good one, I'm going to apply for some jobs now. Check you later. Link to post Share on other sites
Author LisaUk Posted June 29, 2009 Author Share Posted June 29, 2009 I just spoke to a friend of mine, she asked me how long i was going to ALLOW myself to have feelings for my ex? When am I going to put a time linit on this and forget it? Is she kidding? How can I say when I'm going to get over this? If only it were that easy! Link to post Share on other sites
Gunny376 Posted June 29, 2009 Share Posted June 29, 2009 The day. the minute, the hour you say, You know what? I'm done with this! Life is too short! Forget this @zzhat!! I deserve better! I'm entitled to better! Link to post Share on other sites
TrustInYourself Posted June 29, 2009 Share Posted June 29, 2009 It is that easy. You choose. You have the control over how long you feel this way. At some point, you are going to realize that and start taking actions to move on with your life. Maybe not now, because your heart is not ready, but soon. This is not the end of your life and happiness. It's just the beginning. One day at a time, that will make more sense. Right now, you're stuck in the emotions. You are deep in loss. It's hard to see past today, let alone tommorrow. Advice is easy. Take action. Do things to help you stay focused on other aspects of life. Go out. Connect with friends and family. Post here. You are not alone. Link to post Share on other sites
Author LisaUk Posted June 29, 2009 Author Share Posted June 29, 2009 Thanks Gunny, thanks TIY. Link to post Share on other sites
Author LisaUk Posted June 29, 2009 Author Share Posted June 29, 2009 I'll bet you did and didn't even know it. Some tears at the right moment always stopped me in my tracks and she knew it. If I raised my voice she would typicly back off. I gets to a point where it's instinct but you look back at arguments and how they end, you start to see some patterns. Nothing wrong with it, but it's there. TOJAZ Ok, so the silent treatment! I am guilty of the silent treatment. To get him to talk/sort out an argument, but not to get him to bend to my will on the issue at hand. I always respected his opioin (that's why I was shocked by some of his reasons after he left). Still controlling though. Link to post Share on other sites
Pradajunkie Posted June 29, 2009 Share Posted June 29, 2009 Ok, so the silent treatment! I am guilty of the silent treatment. To get him to talk/sort out an argument, but not to get him to bend to my will on the issue at hand. I always respected his opioin (that's why I was shocked by some of his reasons after he left). Still controlling though. Lisa ya gotta stick to the sisterhood, we (women) are always right even if we are wrong we are right and if all else fails we are still right.... just kidding.... but I couldn't help myself Im feeling a bit naughty today PJ Link to post Share on other sites
Author LisaUk Posted June 29, 2009 Author Share Posted June 29, 2009 Lisa ya gotta stick to the sisterhood, we (women) are always right even if we are wrong we are right and if all else fails we are still right.... just kidding.... but I couldn't help myself Im feeling a bit naughty today Hey PJ! So true of course! Thanks for your kind words yesterday by the way on Lupa's thread? What you said about finding the joy in life makes sense, I just wish I could do it. I have a lot to be thankful for, great friends, family, my cat, but everything is tinged right now with a fog of sadness. I just enjoyed his company, just being with him, just moments when we were driving somewhere in the car, that closeness and feeling of intimacy, I miss that. It feels like something is missing. Everywhere I go, it feels like something is missing. I just can't shake it. I need to get a job, I feel disposed of, without purpose, I'm not even a housewife anymore, no purpose. My existance shouldn't be defined by another, I know this, I was with him from so young, for so long, now I don't remember what I was like before him. Does that make sense? I guess i'm depressed. Sorry for going on. Link to post Share on other sites
tojaz Posted June 29, 2009 Share Posted June 29, 2009 Ok, so the silent treatment! I am guilty of the silent treatment. To get him to talk/sort out an argument, but not to get him to bend to my will on the issue at hand. I always respected his opioin (that's why I was shocked by some of his reasons after he left). Still controlling though. I knew there was something! No need for the though, like I said everyone does it to a certain extent, it's why they do it that becomes the problem. TOJAZ Link to post Share on other sites
Author LisaUk Posted June 29, 2009 Author Share Posted June 29, 2009 I knew there was something! No need for the though, like I said everyone does it to a certain extent, it's why they do it that becomes the problem. TOJAZ I'm a big girl I can admit when I'm wrong! Unlike the ex! Link to post Share on other sites
tojaz Posted June 29, 2009 Share Posted June 29, 2009 Not wrong, human. Link to post Share on other sites
Author LisaUk Posted June 29, 2009 Author Share Posted June 29, 2009 Not wrong, human. Thanks. How was your work day? Link to post Share on other sites
tojaz Posted June 29, 2009 Share Posted June 29, 2009 Not too bad, not very busy and got to come home early, but that means less $$$. How did the job hunting go? Link to post Share on other sites
Author LisaUk Posted June 29, 2009 Author Share Posted June 29, 2009 Not too bad, not very busy and got to come home early, but that means less $$$. How did the job hunting go? Not great, thought there was one possibility PA to senior mangement at the council, department for children in care, but on closer inspection I don't have enough of the necessary seceterial skills they want. The search continues. I put my postgraduate law degree application in last week though, figure if I can't get work I'll go back to school. Economic climate so bad here, isn't even the usual hotel/bar work there normally is during the summer season. Link to post Share on other sites
tojaz Posted June 29, 2009 Share Posted June 29, 2009 Yes the economy seems to effect everything very quickly. I'm making a third of what i would typicaly make and now I have a mortgage and such tocontend with alone. When it rains it pours. Going back to school sounds like a good idea though. You can never know too much. Have been considering it myself, but do not know when I would find the time. Link to post Share on other sites
Author LisaUk Posted June 29, 2009 Author Share Posted June 29, 2009 Yes the economy seems to effect everything very quickly. I'm making a third of what i would typicaly make and now I have a mortgage and such tocontend with alone. When it rains it pours. Going back to school sounds like a good idea though. You can never know too much. Have been considering it myself, but do not know when I would find the time. Excellent, just what you need right now, more stress! Did I mention my ex is a banker! Yes that's right, works for one of the ones that caused all the problems. He's sitting pretty in our house! There I've outed him! LOL Link to post Share on other sites
tojaz Posted June 29, 2009 Share Posted June 29, 2009 There I go, wanting to knock him around again. :mad: Link to post Share on other sites
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