Author LisaUk Posted July 7, 2009 Author Share Posted July 7, 2009 Thanks Tojaz, I found a website today about midlife crisis, have posted on your thread. It talks a lot about the way my ex blamed me for things that he had never mentioned before leaving and for things he had known about me the whole 18 years. This site talks about projection and blame, and how not to blame yourself because they are re-writing history in light of their crisis. I still think all this is commitment fuelled primarily, but certainly crisis explains alot of his other behaviour and comments. In fact a counsellor friend, who had known my ex since he was 16, also suggested crisis when I spoke to her. The site has also made me realise that I have been going down an unhelpful path, examining his behaviours in the relationship in a different light because of the way he is behaving now. Kind of like trying to make sense of his current behaviours, it's like because he has blamed me for everything, I have started to re-write history myself, finding all sorts of explanations in behaviour I didn't think was odd before the split. The site explains that in doing this I am preventing my own recoverery, there is a more healthy path to follow, that of allowing myself to grieve my loss. It sounds silly, but I don't know how to do this yet? Link to post Share on other sites
Author LisaUk Posted July 7, 2009 Author Share Posted July 7, 2009 Seeing as how you liked the cokney slang, I'll try and remember some more for you! Apples and pears (stairs) Adam and Eve, usage "can you adam and eve it?" "believe it?" Pony and Trap (c**p) An appropiate one for this site Trouble and Strife (Wife) Link to post Share on other sites
tojaz Posted July 7, 2009 Share Posted July 7, 2009 Thanks Tojaz, I found a website today about midlife crisis, have posted on your thread. It talks a lot about the way my ex blamed me for things that he had never mentioned before leaving and for things he had known about me the whole 18 years. This site talks about projection and blame, and how not to blame yourself because they are re-writing history in light of their crisis. I still think all this is commitment fuelled primarily, but certainly crisis explains alot of his other behaviour and comments. In fact a counsellor friend, who had known my ex since he was 16, also suggested crisis when I spoke to her. The site has also made me realise that I have been going down an unhelpful path, examining his behaviours in the relationship in a different light because of the way he is behaving now. Kind of like trying to make sense of his current behaviours, it's like because he has blamed me for everything, I have started to re-write history myself, finding all sorts of explanations in behaviour I didn't think was odd before the split. The site explains that in doing this I am preventing my own recoverery, there is a more healthy path to follow, that of allowing myself to grieve my loss. It sounds silly, but I don't know how to do this yet? When people break up, the leaver sees only the negative, thats how they justify their actions. If you nagged him once it becomes shes a nag, if you mess up the house once your a slob. On the other hand the left (thats you and me) remember the positives, dates, sex, gifts etc. The truth is probably neither as good or as bad as these two. The difference is, HE WALKED!!! He changed the rules and didn't tell you, just like on my thread, the man you loved is dead. Grieve for him as such. Keep the memories, keep the love, but he is gone and you must move on. Even if you should come together again someday, he will be a different person, and so will you. It will start all over again from scratch, no 18 years together, but a first date! TOJAZ Link to post Share on other sites
Author LisaUk Posted July 8, 2009 Author Share Posted July 8, 2009 Thanks Tojaz, but he isn't coming back EVER. It's been 4 months now, plus the 5 weeks of panic induced indecision and playing with my emotions and head. I've had enough of feeling this way. I've had enough of hoping, enough of having him plauge my thoughts. To be honest I want rid of him. If he turned up in the next 5 mins, unless he has been seriously mentally ill and can verify this, then I'm just not interested anymore, I wouldn't want him back, he has disrespected me and our time together too much by what he has done. I want rid of him from my thoughts, I am sick of going over in my mind the actions of someone who is clearly either insane or completely selfish and uncaring. I was not a bad partner, I was open to him, I was open to hearing him, I was a reasonable and caring human being and for him to try and implie otherwise is just total defermation of my character. I never gave him any cause to think he could not apporach me, so the problem is HIS. Yes I am mightly p*****d off today! Guess I'm starting to grieve probably because I am b****y mad as hell. Great something else to contend with along with the physical exashation he has caused me, to have him back after all the pain he has put me through? No. A definate NO. Sorry for the s****y post, needed to get it out. Link to post Share on other sites
Author LisaUk Posted July 8, 2009 Author Share Posted July 8, 2009 Can you say midlife crisis? "It just wasn't working" "I just don't love you anymore, well I do but to a lesser extent, maybe 25%" "I felt too much pressure, it was a lot of pressure" "I just want to be single, I want to do what I want, when I want, I know that will change if I ever have a relationship again in the future, as then I will have to compromise again" "I want to experience new things life has to offer" "I want to go out drinking, get a motorbike" "I feel like I've been married for 18 years" "I'm just figuring out who I am! "Your the problem" "I feel free" "I feel so old" "I feel I haven't achieved anything in my life" "My life is flitering away from me" "No one else would find me attractive would they?" "I haven't done anything with my life" "No I didn't get made reduntant today, but my boss has got me a new role I really don't want" "I hate my job, I think I'll give it up and become a cabinet maker" "I saw your old school friend on facebook, when did he get in touch?" "Oh, couple of weeks ago, asked him for a pint" "I wish I had more freinds to go out with, I used to like that when I was younger, I need to reconnect with old friends" "Well you said you wanted kids, I told you I looked into that, there's a good chance they can help" "I do want kids, sometime in the future, but not right now, right now I want to be free, I want to be single, I don't want to be tied down" "Maybe I should start playing in a band again?" "I think I'll go to night school and do woodwork" "I think I'll go to night school and learn Chinese" "I'm so depressed" "Why" "Don't know really" Can you say commitment phobia fuelled? Can you say midlife crisis? :( Link to post Share on other sites
lupa Posted July 8, 2009 Share Posted July 8, 2009 I'm starting to believe that a mid-life crisis can happen at any time...and most people who don't react badly to their partners end up burying their emotions in beer, drugs, or a hobby. The ****ty part is the people who take it out on the other. Keep fighting, lis, you're getting closer to the top of this every time you post. I actually can see your progression...(unlike me, I'm an idiot). Link to post Share on other sites
Sufferin_Succotash Posted July 8, 2009 Share Posted July 8, 2009 I'm starting to believe that a mid-life crisis can happen at any time... No doubt about it. My wife is 32 and SMACK DAB in the middle! Woo Hoo!!! Link to post Share on other sites
Author LisaUk Posted July 8, 2009 Author Share Posted July 8, 2009 Thanks Lupa, guess I should have paid more attention to Adult Psychology when I did my degree, but unfortunately the lecturer had one of those boring, droney voices lol. Apparently you can have a midlife transition from age 30, (he's 34), his 31st birthday was a blast! Not! I've never seen anyone so depressed about their age! The transisition evidently can become a crisis if you have unresolved issues from childhood (hence the commitment aspect of this, what with his parents marriage etc). All those quotes that he said are a mixture from during the last few years, break up and after. I know getting to the bottom of it doesn't change anything and I'm not trying to alievate my part in all this, there obviously were some problems, otherwise he wouldn't have been able to use them as excuses to justify his behaviour. However, those reasons were very lame! They kept changing as well, there's always some problems, no one is perfect, hell, there were things I disliked about him, but, they were not massive unresolvable things. Link to post Share on other sites
Author LisaUk Posted July 8, 2009 Author Share Posted July 8, 2009 No doubt about it. My wife is 32 and SMACK DAB in the middle! Woo Hoo!!! Is she coming out with similar c**p?! Link to post Share on other sites
tojaz Posted July 8, 2009 Share Posted July 8, 2009 Wow Lisa, bad day? First fighting with Owl on my thread and now this, I need to quit my job just to keep up. It does sound like a midlife crisis of sorts. He mentions wanting to experience new things, new life, quit his job etc. It's simple, HES NUTS! just like my wife is nuts. She said a lot of the same things, except she didn't know what she wanted to do. Her>> I want to live my kife and do what I want ME>> What do you want to do? Her>> I don't know, but I cant do it and be married to you. Me>> Why not if you don't know what you want to do? Her>> .............................I need some space Door closes, curtain drops. Theres nothing you can do for him if HE dosen't even know what he wants. Don't waste prescious energy stressing over the whys, this I've learned, they don't even know. TOJAZ Link to post Share on other sites
lupa Posted July 8, 2009 Share Posted July 8, 2009 I sometimes wonder why we can't get out from under this...maybe another person is the answer? At least for the short term? Yes? Link to post Share on other sites
Author LisaUk Posted July 8, 2009 Author Share Posted July 8, 2009 Wow Lisa, bad day? First fighting with Owl on my thread and now this, I need to quit my job just to keep up. It does sound like a midlife crisis of sorts. He mentions wanting to experience new things, new life, quit his job etc. It's simple, HES NUTS! just like my wife is nuts. She said a lot of the same things, except she didn't know what she wanted to do. Her>> I want to live my kife and do what I want ME>> What do you want to do? Her>> I don't know, but I cant do it and be married to you. Me>> Why not if you don't know what you want to do? Her>> .............................I need some space Door closes, curtain drops. Theres nothing you can do for him if HE dosen't even know what he wants. Don't waste prescious energy stressing over the whys, this I've learned, they don't even know. TOJAZ Oh, God, did it come off as fighting? I never meant that I can get quite passionate about Psychology! Sorry it happened on your thread! Yeah, first half of day was bad, second half, realised what a s***heap my ex is and that he is infact INSANE! Your wife doesn't know what she wants? But knows she can't have what she wants being with you? PROJECTION, look it up! Where are the men in white coats?:confused::confused: Did she want to take up any biazzare new hobbies also? Link to post Share on other sites
Author LisaUk Posted July 8, 2009 Author Share Posted July 8, 2009 I sometimes wonder why we can't get out from under this...maybe another person is the answer? At least for the short term? Yes? NO! Lupa that's a receipe for disaster, you know it man! You will put up with anything on the rebound! Plus, it's not fair to the lady! Link to post Share on other sites
tojaz Posted July 8, 2009 Share Posted July 8, 2009 No, it didn't come off as fighting. Just spirited conversation, Owl seemed to enjoy it and I played along as well, all though I'm totally out gunned. My threads turned into a bull session anyways, enjoy! She said she wants to run a marathon all of a sudden? I thought that was strange. She had taken up Yoga about a year ago and that is part of what made her want to leave, an awakening. I had to hide a laugh at that one. TOJAZ Link to post Share on other sites
tojaz Posted July 8, 2009 Share Posted July 8, 2009 NO! Lupa that's a receipe for disaster, you know it man! You will put up with anything on the rebound! Plus, it's not fair to the lady! It's true, plus your still on the reconcilliation trail and you hold the moral high ground. If you find a "friend" of your own, same level. Does sound fun though! TOJAZ Link to post Share on other sites
Author LisaUk Posted July 8, 2009 Author Share Posted July 8, 2009 No, it didn't come off as fighting. Just spirited conversation, Owl seemed to enjoy it and I played along as well, all though I'm totally out gunned. My threads turned into a bull session anyways, enjoy! She said she wants to run a marathon all of a sudden? I thought that was strange. She had taken up Yoga about a year ago and that is part of what made her want to leave, an awakening. I had to hide a laugh at that one. TOJAZ I think I may have just woken my parents, I just laughed so hard! Yoga, an awakening, words fail me! As for the marathon well that could be seen as midlife, the need for free flowing movement, eg parachuting, watersking, MOTORBIKING. Plus the need for achomlishment (oh learn to spell Lisa, for goodness sakes)! Link to post Share on other sites
tojaz Posted July 8, 2009 Share Posted July 8, 2009 I think I may have just woken my parents, I just laughed so hard! Yoga, an awakening, words fail me! Glad i could get a laugh out of you after having a bad day! Hope they don't ground you! As for the marathon well that could be seen as midlife, the need for free flowing movement, eg parachuting, watersking, MOTORBIKING. Plus the need for achomlishment (oh learn to spell Lisa, for goodness sakes)! I'm pretty sure it is some sort of transitional crisis, my counselor suggested that too. Dosen't really matter, she left, dosen't matter much why. I sent a photo to my friend to put on Match Fair is fair. My username is the same as it is here TOJAZ. 30 years old in Indiana 46383 Link to post Share on other sites
Author LisaUk Posted July 8, 2009 Author Share Posted July 8, 2009 I'm pretty sure it is some sort of transitional crisis, my counselor suggested that too. Dosen't really matter, she left, dosen't matter much why. I sent a photo to my friend to put on Match Fair is fair. My username is the same as it is here TOJAZ. 30 years old in Indiana 46383 :bunny:Yey, gonna look now. No won't ground me but my mum did say "don't stay up too late will you" I'm 33!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Link to post Share on other sites
tojaz Posted July 8, 2009 Share Posted July 8, 2009 Sure your 33, but shes still your mum Link to post Share on other sites
Author LisaUk Posted July 8, 2009 Author Share Posted July 8, 2009 Sure your 33, but shes still your mum LOL It's not there yet! You have blond hair and green eyes, not how I pictured you! Can't wait to see the photo, will check tomo. No it doesn't change anything she still left, but it helps you stop blaming yourself to a degree? Plus explains where your wife went, read some Jung on the internet and it will help explain why she is behaving how she is, why her personality has changed. It is also possible that she may come back, don't want to raise your hopes there, but if it is transition/crisis, she may reemerge at the end stage. That can take years though, and may not happen if she emerges a truely different person. If it is midlife! Link to post Share on other sites
tojaz Posted July 8, 2009 Share Posted July 8, 2009 LOL It's not there yet! You have blond hair and green eyes, not how I pictured you! Can't wait to see the photo, will check tomo. No it doesn't change anything she still left, but it helps you stop blaming yourself to a degree? Plus explains where your wife went, read some Jung on the internet and it will help explain why she is behaving how she is, why her personality has changed. It is also possible that she may come back, don't want to raise your hopes there, but if it is transition/crisis, she may reemerge at the end stage. That can take years though, and may not happen if she emerges a truely different person. If it is midlife! How did you picture me? I'm curious You did not look anything like i pictured you either. This is true, and it does help to understand how things degraded. Thats why I'm here. Sometime I'd like to think we would come back together but then again, maybe i have seen too much. The memory is a dangerous thing in new beginings, Link to post Share on other sites
Author LisaUk Posted July 8, 2009 Author Share Posted July 8, 2009 About 5ft 9" with fair hair and blue eyes, stocky build?????????????????????????????????? Goodness knows why? How did you picture me then? Going to try and get a friend to take a better picture at the weekend, that one on there makes me look very tom boyish, when actually I'm quite feminine, was cold and snowy! Link to post Share on other sites
Author LisaUk Posted July 8, 2009 Author Share Posted July 8, 2009 I have to go to bed Tojaz, is really late, this time difference is a pain! Will check in tomo. Night. Link to post Share on other sites
tojaz Posted July 8, 2009 Share Posted July 8, 2009 About 5ft 9" with fair hair and blue eyes, stocky build?????????????????????????????????? Goodness knows why? You got all that from a handfull of poorly typed posts? I'm 6'3" with a decent build but a bit of a belly, not quite stocky though. How did you picture me then? Mostly Leather and chains. :laugh:Just kidding. I pictured was more your expression then anything else. I pictured a fairly serious person, still pretty but serious. very long hair glasses and I pictured you a bit larger when you had mentioned your weight loss. Like you, I really don't know why. Going to try and get a friend to take a better picture at the weekend, that one on there makes me look very tom boyish, when actually I'm quite feminine, was cold and snowy! I like the picture, your happy and having fun, thats what people want to see anyways. i don't care for the posed pictures. No personality. TOJAZ Link to post Share on other sites
Author LisaUk Posted July 9, 2009 Author Share Posted July 9, 2009 Hi Tojaz, I see you! Your wife is indeed nuts to let you go! I never meant to implie weight when I said stocky, just pictured you like a rugby player, don't know why really! LOL Link to post Share on other sites
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