Another one bites the dust?

[Kamille]

So I added him....and he is quite far from "loner" he says he is. He is also far from posting pics of cats and dogs like he said.

 

No wonder he didn't want to add me.

 

He only seems to have female friends. Especially one that constantly wears low cut tops and "checks in" with him alone at least once a week. They seem to go out drinking a lot and post love hearts to each other. Her relationship status is "single".

 

The other most featured person is another attractive female and she and the other one seem to argue and flirt with him on everything he posts.

 

Just looks like bad news all around.

 

Am I overreacting?

 

Not any male friends in sight.

 

 

This is a hell of your own making ES.

 

You're the one who insisted on the FB page and now you're using it against him.

 

He told you he had lots of pictures with female friends.

 

Also, I spend most of my time alone. Now if you go check my Facebook page, you'll get the impression I'm a party animal with a few male admirers who comment on every single one of my selfies.

 

 

You didn't answer the question about resolution. I think what you want resolved is your anxiety. So you're letting anxiety taint every single one of your interactions with this guy.

 

Instead of trying to figure him out, try to focus on coping strategies that help you manage anxiety. I know you're busy right now, but take 45 minutes and go do an intense work out at the gym.

 

Because what you're doing is sabotage.

 

And yes, there are people here who will agree with you that his FB page is a huge red flag. It isn't. The status of that woman? What is it again? Ah yeah, single. Which means they aren't together. Stop doing this to yourself and go do something else.

[Eternal Sunshine]

Forget my last post... sounds like he has a lot on his plate...

 

Yeah, I am getting out.

 

My gut was right and I am glad I pushed for a clarification and didn't invest myself more.

 

I do badly with men that have only attractive single female friends. I already know that this would fill me with anxiety. This plus the phony sounding sweet talk. Nah, this one is not right for me.

[No_Go]

The cats/dogs comment sounded very off TBH.

 

It is ok to have female friends. ONLY female friends - in his entire FB?? That is a bit weird. How many people he has added on? If many and ONLY female - it is most likely an account he set for dating purposes only (i.e. Tinder, Bumble etc ask you to have FB profile - he adds his dates there).

 

I am NOT suggesting to dump him, quite the opposite - give him a chance. But if I were you, I'd research him thoroughly. And no, I don't care if anyone here or elsewhere will tell me this is paranoid behavior (if I listened my gut I'd have saved myself a lump sum of money that I 'donated' to a conman while 'dating' him).

 

So I added him....and he is quite far from "loner" he says he is. He is also far from posting pics of cats and dogs like he said.

 

No wonder he didn't want to add me.

 

He only seems to have female friends. Especially one that constantly wears low cut tops and "checks in" with him alone at least once a week. They seem to go out drinking a lot and post love hearts to each other. Her relationship status is "single".

 

The other most featured person is another attractive female and she and the other one seem to argue and flirt with him on everything he posts.

 

Just looks like bad news all around.

 

Am I overreacting?

 

Not any male friends in sight.

[No_Go]

And yes, there are people here who will agree with you that his FB page is a huge red flag. It isn't. The status of that woman? What is it again? Ah yeah, single. Which means they aren't together. Stop doing this to yourself and go do something else.

 

Kamille your assumption is equally lacking evidence. I've been ALWAYS listed as single on my FB - even when I had a live in BF of 2 years. I refuse to share relationship status with my FB friend - none of their business, for the same reason I never once in my lifetime posted a picture with a bf.

 

I don't think it is a red flag but I highly doubt this is his primary account (only female friends make me think this is his account set for dating purposes).

[Kamille]

Yeah, I am getting out.

 

My gut was right and I am glad I pushed for a clarification and didn't invest myself more.

 

I do badly with men that have only attractive single female friends. I already know that this would fill me with anxiety. This plus the phony sounding sweet talk. Nah, this one is not right for me.

 

Well, you now have resolution. Not to an actual misdeed of his, but to your anxiety.

 

If you don't think it's right, you do best to walk away, for both his sake and yours.

 

But ES, please work on that anxiety of yours. Learn ways to cope with it so that it doesn't lead your life.

 

Again, not defending this particular guy. Thinking about your best interest.

[No_Go]

'Friends' are likely just his recent dates. I bet money this is his Tinder-purposes account.

 

I don't think it will hurt to meet once or twice more - maybe he'll prove your suspicions wrong. Just keep your eyes and ears open and take mental notes.

 

Yeah, I am getting out.

 

My gut was right and I am glad I pushed for a clarification and didn't invest myself more.

 

I do badly with men that have only attractive single female friends. I already know that this would fill me with anxiety. This plus the phony sounding sweet talk. Nah, this one is not right for me.

[Eternal Sunshine]

'Friends' are likely just his recent dates. I bet money this is his Tinder-purposes account.

 

I don't think it will hurt to meet once or twice more - maybe he'll prove your suspicions wrong. Just keep your eyes and ears open and take mental notes.

 

The problem is, I have now lost interest. I genuinely don't feel like seeing him. I went through the motions of saying good night and see you tomorrow but I think my best bet is to tell him that I am sick tomorrow and reschedule the date, just to give myself a bit of space to make sure I am not being impulsive.

[CptInsano]

I don't think it even matters whether the OP is right or wrong at this point. Her trust is gone, and there is no turning back from that.

[No_Go]

The problem is, I have now lost interest. I genuinely don't feel like seeing him. I went through the motions of saying good night and see you tomorrow but I think my best bet is to tell him that I am sick tomorrow and reschedule the date, just to give myself a bit of space to make sure I am not being impulsive.

 

It is actually a good idea to space out things a bit even if you continue dating him. How about not seeing him tomorrow but confirming something for Saturday? Then you’ll have time to calm down, watch how he behaves in the interim, and go from there?

[BluEyeL]

I guess that's the problem. He tells me that he sees long term future with me constantly without me even asking or mentioning it. Isn't someone that feels that strongly curious about my Facebook too? Something just doesn't add up.

I don't like the I see a future with you thing either. He simply can't know at this point and thus it doesn't seem genuine.

 

I guess wait and see, keep going on dates.

[thefooloftheyear]

Yeah, I am getting out.

 

My gut was right and I am glad I pushed for a clarification and didn't invest myself more.

 

I do badly with men that have only attractive single female friends. I already know that this would fill me with anxiety. This plus the phony sounding sweet talk. Nah, this one is not right for me.

 

 

The only guys I know with attractive(or even average looking) female friends are either gay or really effeminate/beta...

 

 

And I know a lot of guys...

 

Now....I know a lot of younger guys do that, but at your age its a huge red flag....but not for the reasons you think...

 

TFY

[amaysngrace]

What's the point of dating someone if you don't see a future with them?

 

All that means is he thinks they're compatible and she has the traits and characteristics he's looking for in a mate.

 

It's no big deal and definitely not love bombing. It was actually a compliment if you see it that way.

[No_Go]

The only guys I know with attractive(or even average looking) female friends are either gay or really effeminate/beta...

 

 

And I know a lot of guys...

 

Now....I know a lot of younger guys do that, but at your age its a huge red flag....but not for the reasons you think...

 

TFY

 

Out of curiosity TFY: what are the reasons it’s a red flag at his age? I have guy friends with many female friends that are definitely not effeminate...

[kazen]

This is a case of incompatibility. They are attracted to each other but their personality don't match. He likes to sweet-talk, she finds that disingenuous. Some women loves to be treated like a princesses, while others might prefer treated like an equal. At the beginning of relationship, it's important to establish trust. You cannot simply give someone trust blindly. Trust is earned through consistency. ES is simply trying to determine whether this "stranger" she is dating deserves her trust. So far, her instinct is telling her she can't fully trust him base on their interactions and his fb profile. Is she justify in being skeptical of him? I think so. Personally sweet-talkers tend to be players and when a guy has lots of skanky female friends, they also have booty calls. Could this guy be genuine? Possibly. But he hasn't done much to earn her trust. Without trust, there's no relationship.

 

I do find this threat very interesting. Seeing how a woman's mind operate is so fascinating. ES was so excited about this new guy at the beginning and then suddenly it took a nose dive after the second date. I am sure many guys have been in the situation where they think things are going well, then suddenly the girl flakes out on dates and basically ends it. To see that process unfold was entertaining. Thanks ES for sharing. I hope you'll meet the right guy in the future. If not, life is still good.

[Eternal Sunshine]

This is a case of incompatibility. They are attracted to each other but their personality don't match. He likes to sweet-talk, she finds that disingenuous. Some women loves to be treated like a princesses, while others might prefer treated like an equal. At the beginning of relationship, it's important to establish trust. You cannot simply give someone trust blindly. Trust is earned through consistency. ES is simply trying to determine whether this "stranger" she is dating deserves her trust. So far, her instinct is telling her she can't fully trust him base on their interactions and his fb profile. Is she justify in being skeptical of him? I think so. Personally sweet-talkers tend to be players and when a guy has lots of skanky female friends, they also have booty calls. Could this guy be genuine? Possibly. But he hasn't done much to earn her trust. Without trust, there's no relationship.

 

I do find this threat very interesting. Seeing how a woman's mind operate is so fascinating. ES was so excited about this new guy at the beginning and then suddenly it took a nose dive after the second date. I am sure many guys have been in the situation where they think things are going well, then suddenly the girl flakes out on dates and basically ends it. To see that process unfold was entertaining. Thanks ES for sharing. I hope you'll meet the right guy in the future. If not, life is still good.

 

I remember this one guy that I asked for Facebook after the first date. He straight up told me "I only have family and close friends on there as I am a very private person. I have no problem adding you once I get to know you better". His behaviour was consistent with someone that is cautious. He would set up one date per week, would send me a text or so per day without any of the sweet talk. Everything he said and did was consistent with how he presented himself. I had zero problems with not adding him on Facebook. Unfortunately, there wasn't enough of a physical spark so things ended.

 

With this guy, often there would be 20-30 texts per day talking about me being his "dream girl" and every compliment in the book that would lead you to believe that he is completely smitten. I do think that guys can be that smitten but then all of their beheviour would add up. It's the inconsistency that raises the flags. I told this guy that I have trust issues, gave him many indirect opportunities to add me on Facebook and he kept evading it. I know how early it is but I bet that this guy has generally evasive conflict resolution style that just doesn't work for me.

 

I am old, I have been around the block and I know what I need in a relationship. I like a man's man, someone that is a direct communicator to the point of being blunt, someone that doesn't talk about feelings unless he 100% means every word. Someone that doesn't push the hectic pace of dating on a complete stranger. I also can not stand white lies. "Oh I just fell asleep"

 

Yeah Kamille has a point, I am generally an anxious person, I tend to over-think and worry a lot but it also doesn't mean that these worries are completely ungrounded. I do it with work too and my life would generally be a lot easier if I could learn to better cope with anxiety.

[Lorenza]

I think dumping him is the best choice for you. I've also discontinued dating guys after finding out they've got loads of female friends, why going through the anxiety. Not all of us can deal with that. Plenty of men out there who either have male friends predominantly, or female friends they've known for ages who also are in RL.

 

Also this guy seems to know exactly what to say. Most women will get swayed by the sweet talk combined with his good looks and I'd bet my money on him being perfectly aware of that.

[NuevoYorko]

Exactly. But ES isn't doing this. She isn't getting to know him. She's putting him on trial.

 

 

Yes. It's very one sided as well. I am traditional, I like to do the courting, but if I am starting to date a woman I am not only about proving myself and revealing everything about myself for her approval and scrutiny within the first few weeks or even months.

 

I'm getting to know her too, finding out whether we are a good fit, etc.

 

So what if he cleaned up his FB?

 

I am a private person. If I dated a woman for one week and she started prodding me (on more than one occasion) about adding her on FB - I would see that as a minor red flag. I believe I would get the impression that she would be scrutinizing my personal life, which is not comfortable for me. I prefer to let new people know about my life in my own time.

 

I would take some time to figure out what to do. Maybe I would decide to abandon my personal preference because I liked her that much - but I would already be on guard about my privacy being invaded. I might go through my FB to see if there was stuff there that would bite me. I don't have anything on there I feel I need to hide - but look. He's already getting heat for the type of clothes the women on his FB are wearing. He can't win and I think he made a mistake by adding you.

 

I also don't know if I would be forthright enough to just say "no I don't add women I am just starting to date on FB" if I really liked her a lot, out of fear that it would drive her away.

 

Just my POV.

[CryForNoOne]

Yeah, I am getting out.

 

My gut was right and I am glad I pushed for a clarification and didn't invest myself more.

 

I do badly with men that have only attractive single female friends. I already know that this would fill me with anxiety. This plus the phony sounding sweet talk. Nah, this one is not right for me.

 

I find this thread completely disheartening. The amount of self sabotage over a guy you were really high on is shocking. You titled this thread "Another one bites the dust" because your anxiety about him texting you got the best of you even though he wound up keeping his word! You found his sweet talking a bit much and off putting. Yet it seems in the date recaps and text exchanges you shared with us, that you were not only reciprocating but encouraging more of it. If you felt it was a bit much, why didn't you just say something? He may have just been following your lead... When talking about past travel experiences, it's tricky to not mention exes. He seemed to be carefully treading that fine line until you made it an issue then withdrew for the rest of the date. You're concluding he's a player because he was extremely attentive about cleaning spilled ice cream and planning a thoughtful picnic??? Most people call that being a gentleman. You even went so far as to predict he'd ghost you after sex even though you've made out on multiple occasions and he never pressed the issue.

 

Then the final blow was obsessing over his Facebook account. I don't think it's normal to add someone on Facebook after only 2 or 3 dates and many people feel the same way. So you really shouldn't have viewed that as a red flag in itself. But then you pressed and pressed until he was backed into a corner and acquiesced. Even if I had nothing to hide, I probably would have taken 30 minutes to adjust my privacy settings because it's very off putting to be cornered like that. Unless he was born yesterday, it's obvious that your line of questioning was going to lead to a ton of probing.

 

Have you actually looked at his friends list and confirmed they are all female and not male? Or are you just drawing this conclusion from his timeline and news feed? News flash - guys don't write on each other's timeline's unless it's to talk trash about sports or something masculine. Women do all the timeline posting. I have a female friend who writes gushy stuff with hearts and "I love you" all the time on my timeline. She's just that way with everybody. I'm now hiding all those posts after reading this thread. Not kidding.

 

I'm going to give you some brutally honest feedback but please view it as supportive and constructive. Have you considering all the red flags you're giving off? If he thinks the same way you do, these are the conclusions he could be drawing... "Text don't call!" Hmm maybe you have a husband or boyfriend you're hiding. Probing about ex-GF's. Jealous type maybe? Thinly veiled chit-chat about Facebook when it's obvious you want to scour his profile. Passive aggressive? Obsessive personality? Potential stalker? He seems to have a much healthier attitude about this all.

 

Also a couple things you mentioned that may require some self reflection. You initially stated that you were really excited about him but you were worried he was slightly out-of-your-league. You also mentioned you are only attracted to 1 in 40 guys you went on a date with. I hope that number is a slight exaggeration otherwise that's probably a couple years between good prospects unless you date like crazy. But it stands to reason if you are only attracted to 1 in 40, that guy would likely be out-of-your-league. Well I think you are going to be intimidated by the Facebook page of ANY guy you like then. If he is single and attractive, he will get attention from other attractive females. If you don't do well around guys like that, so much so that you'll dump them just because you have some suspicions (even though they've actually done nothing wrong yet), well then you're always going to be alone. Try not worrying so much about what type of women he is attracting. Maybe he's not attracted to them. Take it at face value if he says he likes you and they are just friends. Otherwise how in the world are you ever going to find somebody???

[BluEyeL]

I agree there are a couple of red flags but why dump him now and not continue to see him and find out that maybe you were worried about nothing ?

 

It can still go either way. When are you going to meet another good looking, smart guy who gives you butterflies. I say ride that ride until the wheels fall off and then you know.

[divegrl]

I get it....

 

You are his dream girl.... yet he cannot freely add you to Facebook.

 

His Facebook only has pics of cats and dogs.... and lots of other women commenting with hearts.

 

And not openly telling you his last name until after the 3rd date would cause concern for me too.

 

So sorry. Hugs.....

[Mkn1010]

Even disregarding the FB stuff, someone who sends like 10 texts to apologize that it took him half an hour to get back to you is an absolute nut job! (or conversely anyone who expects that type of remorse for a half hour delay).

[rightondude]

I think it's the white lies that did the dude in.

 

Sunshine, if he had just said, "heck yeah I'll friend you" and did so without the BS "oh I fell asleep" would you have been nearly as PO'd by the big boobed flirty friends? Because sometimes you can't control that. Flirty friends are gonna be flirty. If he wanted to be with them he'd be with them. If he'd been an open book, flirty friends and all, would things be different?

 

And really, to the person who said middle age men can't have attractive single female friends ... WTH? I guess I'm not alpha enough to cut off women who didn't want to sleep with me but who I still consider good people I like keeping loosely in touch with.

[BaileyB]

I'm a believer in following your intuition... If it doesn't feel right, it's not right.

 

And I can say from experience, when you meet the right person, it feels different. That said, it is still a leap of faith. It's important to notice any obvious red flags, but otherwise... You need to let your guard down and trust the other person, at least a little bit...

 

It's hard to trust, when you have been burned before. But, I do think that you need to do some self reflection and see if you feel that you gave this guy a fair chance. It seems to me, that you made up your mind fairly early not to trust him and then began accumulating the evidence you needed to let him go.

 

I say this, because I did this for many years... It's not going to get you what you want. Eventually, when you find someone you think is worthy of taking the risk, you will need to trust and take that leap of faith...

 

Best wishes.

[Eternal Sunshine]

I think it's the white lies that did the dude in.

 

Sunshine, if he had just said, "heck yeah I'll friend you" and did so without the BS "oh I fell asleep" would you have been nearly as PO'd by the big boobed flirty friends? Because sometimes you can't control that. Flirty friends are gonna be flirty. If he wanted to be with them he'd be with them. If he'd been an open book, flirty friends and all, would things be different?

 

And really, to the person who said middle age men can't have attractive single female friends ... WTH? I guess I'm not alpha enough to cut off women who didn't want to sleep with me but who I still consider good people I like keeping loosely in touch with.

 

It's actually white lies coupled with disgenious sweet talk that turned me off, more than the content of his Facebook.

[Eternal Sunshine]

I find this thread completely disheartening. The amount of self sabotage over a guy you were really high on is shocking. You titled this thread "Another one bites the dust" because your anxiety about him texting you got the best of you even though he wound up keeping his word! You found his sweet talking a bit much and off putting. Yet it seems in the date recaps and text exchanges you shared with us, that you were not only reciprocating but encouraging more of it. If you felt it was a bit much, why didn't you just say something? He may have just been following your lead... When talking about past travel experiences, it's tricky to not mention exes. He seemed to be carefully treading that fine line until you made it an issue then withdrew for the rest of the date. You're concluding he's a player because he was extremely attentive about cleaning spilled ice cream and planning a thoughtful picnic??? Most people call that being a gentleman. You even went so far as to predict he'd ghost you after sex even though you've made out on multiple occasions and he never pressed the issue.

 

Then the final blow was obsessing over his Facebook account. I don't think it's normal to add someone on Facebook after only 2 or 3 dates and many people feel the same way. So you really shouldn't have viewed that as a red flag in itself. But then you pressed and pressed until he was backed into a corner and acquiesced. Even if I had nothing to hide, I probably would have taken 30 minutes to adjust my privacy settings because it's very off putting to be cornered like that. Unless he was born yesterday, it's obvious that your line of questioning was going to lead to a ton of probing.

 

Have you actually looked at his friends list and confirmed they are all female and not male? Or are you just drawing this conclusion from his timeline and news feed? News flash - guys don't write on each other's timeline's unless it's to talk trash about sports or something masculine. Women do all the timeline posting. I have a female friend who writes gushy stuff with hearts and "I love you" all the time on my timeline. She's just that way with everybody. I'm now hiding all those posts after reading this thread. Not kidding.

 

I'm going to give you some brutally honest feedback but please view it as supportive and constructive. Have you considering all the red flags you're giving off? If he thinks the same way you do, these are the conclusions he could be drawing... "Text don't call!" Hmm maybe you have a husband or boyfriend you're hiding. Probing about ex-GF's. Jealous type maybe? Thinly veiled chit-chat about Facebook when it's obvious you want to scour his profile. Passive aggressive? Obsessive personality? Potential stalker? He seems to have a much healthier attitude about this all.

 

Also a couple things you mentioned that may require some self reflection. You initially stated that you were really excited about him but you were worried he was slightly out-of-your-league. You also mentioned you are only attracted to 1 in 40 guys you went on a date with. I hope that number is a slight exaggeration otherwise that's probably a couple years between good prospects unless you date like crazy. But it stands to reason if you are only attracted to 1 in 40, that guy would likely be out-of-your-league. Well I think you are going to be intimidated by the Facebook page of ANY guy you like then. If he is single and attractive, he will get attention from other attractive females. If you don't do well around guys like that, so much so that you'll dump them just because you have some suspicions (even though they've actually done nothing wrong yet), well then you're always going to be alone. Try not worrying so much about what type of women he is attracting. Maybe he's not attracted to them. Take it at face value if he says he likes you and they are just friends. Otherwise how in the world are you ever going to find somebody???

 

No offense Cry, but you are exactly the type of guy I would never date. You are in your mid 40s, dating exclusively 20-early 30s women, often juggling many multiple ones. So the fact that you would do what this guy did is actually a bad sign.

 

As for my own enthusiasm after the first date, I started to lose interest as I got to know this guy's personality better. It's not exactly uncommon and it happened for multiple reasons. The sweet talk I posted after date 1? You ain't seen nothing yet. It escalated to about 100x of that even when I gave generic one liners in reply.