Another one bites the dust?

[some_username1]

I'm glad I stopped using social media after reading this thread. Finding out dates of birth and places of work in order to stalk people's profiles, deary me...if a guy came on here and admitted to this he would, at best, be labelled creepy, if not a stalker. The excuse of 'just checking she isn't married' wouldn't wash either.

 

Clearly, some people need to stop over thinking every last little excruciating detail. Get some hobbies, find something to concentrate on that doesn't involve things you can't control and leave the rest to fate. The best relationships never start with suspicion and mis-trust straight from the off.

[CryForNoOne]

This guy is a little bit too "sugary" which gives me a sense of phoniness. He hasn't done anything decidedly negative yet but I wouldn't be surprised if he ghosts after sex or something like that.

 

His texting is very inconsistent. Like one day he texts all day long where the next I barely get 1 text a day. It's just a gut feeling.

 

There is also something else: it's usually simple to find guys on social media but with this guy, I had no luck. He refers to Facebook in conversations so I know he has an account. I reversed searched his mobile phone number and found out his last name. It's very unique and there are no matches on any social media. He obviously changed his name to make it non-searchable. What if he is married or something?

 

Maybe I should ask him for Facebook - but I don't really want to add him at this early stage.

 

I just hate the idea of being played or having my time wasted.

 

Clearly you must think being single is awesome as you said in another thread because you are really trying to get rid of this one. I really don't see how he has done anything wrong but be a nice guy but be a little cheesy with compliments. He doesn't sound sophisticated enough to be a player. You are way overthinking everything...

[NuevoYorko]

I am always perplexed when people add each other as "friends" on FB when they are getting to know each other. It's a bad idea.

 

You had several of your fears assuaged in that exchange, then immediately popped up with a new one (friend request). A relationship can't even get off the ground in that kind of environment, and you are muddying the waters of your own perception. What I mean to say is, if you put every behavior of his under suspicious scrutiny, how will you even be able to judge whether he is a good fit for you or not? Maybe you don't like the "sugary" stuff, so it's a turn off. It doesn't mean that he's an evil playah.

 

Try to chill and let this unfold, or not.

[amaysngrace]

I think we're more excited for you than you are, Sunshine

 

I really don't think it's suppose to be that way...

[CryForNoOne]

I am always perplexed when people add each other as "friends" on FB when they are getting to know each other. It's a bad idea.

 

You had several of your fears assuaged in that exchange, then immediately popped up with a new one (friend request). A relationship can't even get off the ground in that kind of environment, and you are muddying the waters of your own perception. What I mean to say is, if you put every behavior of his under suspicious scrutiny, how will you even be able to judge whether he is a good fit for you or not? Maybe you don't like the "sugary" stuff, so it's a turn off. It doesn't mean that he's an evil playah.

 

Try to chill and let this unfold, or not.

 

Yes. This is a horrible idea. I once had a relationship end after about 4 weeks over social media and OLD trust issues. The first hint was after date #2, she liked my band page on Facebook without anything other than me mentioning the name casually over dinner. From there it was obvious to me that she must have gone on and figured out my last name and my actual Facebook page. After date #3, she started questioning why I was still on OKC after 3 dates. I replied "I could ask you the same." To which she replied, "I know it sounds like I'm a stalker, I'm only on there to check to see if you are still one there..." That and the unsolicited Facebook likes started to creep me out. I'm sure those things were just the surface and there were hours and hours of snooping...

[some_username1]

I am always perplexed when people add each other as "friends" on FB when they are getting to know each other. It's a bad idea.

 

You had several of your fears assuaged in that exchange, then immediately popped up with a new one (friend request). A relationship can't even get off the ground in that kind of environment, and you are muddying the waters of your own perception. What I mean to say is, if you put every behavior of his under suspicious scrutiny, how will you even be able to judge whether he is a good fit for you or not? Maybe you don't like the "sugary" stuff, so it's a turn off. It doesn't mean that he's an evil playah.

 

Try to chill and let this unfold, or not.

 

Exactly, it's ridiculous to want a friend request from someone you barely know....well actually it isn't ridiculous if you just want the friend request so you can stalk them and feel like you need to know their life better than they do.

 

Social media really is more trouble that it's worth and combined with dating it just becomes toxic. I think we all need to ask ourselves while we are trawling through people's pictures and status updates, (judging them accordingly) whether we would be happy having other people do the same to us.

[MidwestUSA]

Guys I couldn't hold off.

 

I asked him the following

 

Me: "Hey do you have facebook? I don't need to add you or anything...just curious.."

 

Him: "Yeah, it's the only social media I use but it's full of pics and videos of cats and dogs :lmao:"

 

Me: "Aw that's cute. So how would I find you on there?"

 

Him: "Under a name XY. I already found you ages ago :laugh:" *his last name is a play of letters from his actual last name*

 

Me: "Oh wow, some hot pics on there BTW I had to ask because there are some dishonest people on these apps. You never said or did anything to make me doubt you. It's just that my internet stalking skills suck :p"

 

Him:"Hell, I am definitely single . I don't even have pics of any exes on there so any female you see is a friend. Lucky there are many other qualities that make up for your poor internet stalking skills :p"

 

So we flirt a bit more but....dum dum. He didn't send me a friend request :eek:

 

Do you think that's weird? He has plenty of public stuff and none looks suspicious. I am just used to guys freely trying to add me since date 1.

 

Also do you think he now thinks I am crazy?

 

 

Am I the only one that's gonna outright answer that 'yes'? When I've admitted to creeping guys' stuff (yes, more than one instance), I was called every name in the book. Of course, I never admitted to it until I had pay dirt and was running, never to look back.

 

I gave this three more dates before implosion. Single IS awesome. Keep believin' it.

[MidwestUSA]

I don’t use online dating......

 

But I just find it very odd that you have been on 3 dates with someone and you don’t know their last name? Is this normal?

 

 

I've never gone out with anyone without knowing a last name. If he won't give it, there is no date. And I was never refused. 95% of the time, it came up on caller ID anyway. The only exceptions were guys with a company phone.

 

It's part of the info I leave with a friend, along with his phone number, where I'm meeting him, what time, and when to expect me back.

[No_Go]

To the backlash it is ‘creepy’ that ES wants to check on this guy that she barely knows - no, it’s not creepy. It’s common sense to confirm identity. I skipped that step once with a guy that was coming on very strong: the result is in one of my old threads (basically turned to be a conman with multiple arrests presenting himself with his middle name so I couldn’t spot it) - it costed me thousands of dollars because I decided to naively trust his words.

 

This guy could be a saint - so what? Checking him up will not negatively affect their relationship (which I do hope will be great and long).

[amaysngrace]

It’s common sense to confirm identity.

 

I would think you should do that BEFORE you go out with this person, not four dates later.

 

That doesn't make much sense to me at all.

[Space Ritual]

Guys I couldn't hold off.

 

I asked him the following

 

Me: "Hey do you have facebook? I don't need to add you or anything...just curious.."

 

Him: "Yeah, it's the only social media I use but it's full of pics and videos of cats and dogs :lmao:"

 

Me: "Aw that's cute. So how would I find you on there?"

 

Him: "Under a name XY. I already found you ages ago :laugh:" *his last name is a play of letters from his actual last name*

 

Me: "Oh wow, some hot pics on there BTW I had to ask because there are some dishonest people on these apps. You never said or did anything to make me doubt you. It's just that my internet stalking skills suck :p"

 

Him:"Hell, I am definitely single . I don't even have pics of any exes on there so any female you see is a friend. Lucky there are many other qualities that make up for your poor internet stalking skills :p"

 

So we flirt a bit more but....dum dum. He didn't send me a friend request :eek:

 

Do you think that's weird? He has plenty of public stuff and none looks suspicious. I am just used to guys freely trying to add me since date 1.

 

Also do you think he now thinks I am crazy?

 

ES,

 

Go back to your very first post in this thread.

 

"just text, don't call"

 

And now the Facebook weirdness.

 

Look, If I am going to start dating someone, in this age I a going to add someone to my Social Media. It is so commonplace to do so these days it is literally an automatic action.

 

But the Just Text Don't Call business would have me running for the hills from this guy.

 

Everything else that has been positive thus far can easily be cancelled out by that one phrase...

 

"just text, don't call"

 

 

You know I am a Glass Half Empty kind of guy, and have been for years.

 

Again, I keep going back to this:

 

"Just text, don't call"

 

The Herb Morrison reference is interesting because that is about as red a flag as the Flag on the tail of the Hindenburg when it disintegrated at Lakehurst.

 

I don't buy this guy's bullcrap for one second. It's all a bit too neat.

 

"just text, don't call "

 

Yes I know you will probably tell me I am crazy but anyone who specifically requires texts is not only full of themselves...they are full of crap.

 

I'm gonna give it to you straight...you are a potential side piece of ass for Text Boy. Nothing more, nothing less.

 

Sorry but it's just the way I see it...that phrase colors everything else that has subsequently occurred.

 

If a chick had said that, I would have thought "because her boyfriend might wonder why she is answering her phone while hiding in a closet."

 

I wouldn't put much stock into what Text Boy says.

[some_username1]

To the backlash it is ‘creepy’ that ES wants to check on this guy that she barely knows - no, it’s not creepy. It’s common sense to confirm identity. I skipped that step once with a guy that was coming on very strong: the result is in one of my old threads (basically turned to be a conman with multiple arrests presenting himself with his middle name so I couldn’t spot it) - it costed me thousands of dollars because I decided to naively trust his words.

 

This guy could be a saint - so what? Checking him up will not negatively affect their relationship (which I do hope will be great and long).

 

Having an open mind on who that person is is not creepy, but the depth of info used to trawl the internet (date of birth, place of work) to dig up someone's life history feels creepy and intrusive. And i say that as a man who has nothing to hide. I shivered a little at the thought of a woman trying to find out all that information about me just to have more leverage to find a bloody facebook page!

 

In my experience the ones who are the most suspicious are usually that way because they have the mindset of a deceitful person themselves. Case in point- a girl who demanded my surname before going on a date. I'd never been asked for it before despite going on numerous online dates so it seemed a bit odd but I understood her reasoning. She laughed about it and played it off that she wasn't going to do much with the information so I acquiesced. When we next spoke she revealed that just from my surname she found out ridiculous amounts of information about my identity- it got me worried about ID fraud because I have no idea how she could connect so many dots just from a name and phone number! I was a bit turned off at this point because she had intimated she wasn't looking to go digging and in the end seemed to have gone above and beyond any sort of respect of my privacy.

 

She was also very careful about not giving me her surname- she told me it was hilarious yet wouldn't actually tell me what it was when i repeatedly asked. When we went for our date I could see why- she was well overweight!!

[No_Go]

I would think you should do that BEFORE you go out with this person, not four dates later.

 

That doesn't make much sense to me at all.

 

I agree but since she hasn’t done it earlier - it is better to do it now, not months down the line.

[No_Go]

The overweight revelation made me laugh.

 

But seriously- read my thread ‘breaking up with live in mooching bf ‘ - you’d probably be a little more understanding then .... This happens to too many women/men to disregard as a risk...

 

 

Having an open mind on who that person is is not creepy, but the depth of info used to trawl the internet (date of birth, place of work) to dig up someone's life history feels creepy and intrusive. And i say that as a man who has nothing to hide. I shivered a little at the thought of a woman trying to find out all that information about me just to have more leverage to find a bloody facebook page!

 

In my experience the ones who are the most suspicious are usually that way because they have the mindset of a deceitful person themselves. Case in point- a girl who demanded my surname before going on a date. I'd never been asked for it before despite going on numerous online dates so it seemed a bit odd but I understood her reasoning. She laughed about it and played it off that she wasn't going to do much with the information so I acquiesced. When we next spoke she revealed that just from my surname she found out ridiculous amounts of information about my identity- it got me worried about ID fraud because I have no idea how she could connect so many dots just from a name and phone number! I was a bit turned off at this point because she had intimated she wasn't looking to go digging and in the end seemed to have gone above and beyond any sort of respect of my privacy.

 

She was also very careful about not giving me her surname- she told me it was hilarious yet wouldn't actually tell me what it was when i repeatedly asked. When we went for our date I could see why- she was well overweight!!

[Lorenza]

Omg, how is it stalking to check someone out on social medias? People who have chosen to make their information public (f ex by creating a profile and posting their pictures on Facebook) have automatically agreed to that information being stored and accessible on the Internet forever! Let's check the definition of stalking, shall we:

"Cyberstalking’ refers to a particular type of stalking in which the stalker uses the internet and technology to harass the victim. This can involve anything from posting unwanted messages on a social networking site, to setting up websites with false or slanderous information about the victim, to trying to access the victim’s personal information, such as bank accounts"

 

It's not a crime to try and access something others have chosen to make public. Sunshine just wanted to see who the guy is. She isn't doing any of the aforementioned things or trying to harm the guy. Maybe people who are so creeped out by checking someone on Facebook are of an older generation and don't really understand how the whole social media concept works.

[Cobra_X]

This guy is a little bit too "sugary" which gives me a sense of phoniness. He hasn't done anything decidedly negative yet but I wouldn't be surprised if he ghosts after sex or something like that.

His texting is very inconsistent. Like one day he texts all day long where the next I barely get 1 text a day. It's just a gut feeling.

I just hate the idea of being played or having my time wasted.

 

I've been saying the whole time that this guy sounds super smooth. I can't tell if he is playing you or not, but he definitely has experience.

 

Worst case scenario would be that this guy is an emotional vampire. He wants you to love him and will feed off that, but will never truly return the feeling.

 

What really bothers me about the whole deal is that his contact levels are inconsistent.

 

Question. Does he compliment your physical appearance?

 

*his last name is a play of letters from his actual last name*

Also do you think he now thinks I am crazy?

 

So, he isn't using is real last name and that's the ONLY social media he claims to have??? I don't know what to think about that. Does he have any significant social contacts as friends on the account? Brothers, sisters, parents, work colleagues... ect?

 

No he doesn't think you are crazy, he likely thinks that he just overcame a test that you threw at him.

[some_username1]

The overweight revelation made me laugh.

 

But seriously- read my thread ‘breaking up with live in mooching bf ‘ - you’d probably be a little more understanding then .... This happens to too many women/men to disregard as a risk...

 

Well I do appreciate the need for people to know that someone isn't a felon- I just wonder 'how much information is enough information'? Thankfully it has never been much of a problem for me- the dates i have been on (and i have been on more than a few!) the girl has usually been fine with my name and phone number. My facebook is purely for a Tinder login, I make it clear they won't be getting a friend request from me neither will I accept one it if they find my page. That also might be why the thought bothers me so much- it isn't information women normally tend to ask for, in my experience.

[some_username1]

Omg, how is it stalking to check someone out on social medias? People who have chosen to make their information public (f ex by creating a profile and posting their pictures on Facebook) have automatically agreed to that information being stored and accessible on the Internet forever! Let's check the definition of stalking, shall we:

"Cyberstalking’ refers to a particular type of stalking in which the stalker uses the internet and technology to harass the victim. This can involve anything from posting unwanted messages on a social networking site, to setting up websites with false or slanderous information about the victim, to trying to access the victim’s personal information, such as bank accounts"

 

It's not a crime to try and access something others have chosen to make public. Sunshine just wanted to see who the guy is. She isn't doing any of the aforementioned things or trying to harm the guy. Maybe people who are so creeped out by checking someone on Facebook are of an older generation and don't really understand how the whole social media concept works.

 

All I'll say is- what would your reaction be if yoi heard that a guy had been trying to find out your date of birth and place of work in order to mine facebook for your profile. Don't you think going to that length is a bit much?

 

There are privacy settings on facebook for a reason and it should be understandable that people may use it for necessity only and do not want to be found by people they go on one date with and it doesn't work out. A lot of people also have no idea that if you google their phone number their facebook profile will be returned in the search results- so people are not necessarily willingly putting this stuff out there, these sites act in ways we don't anticipate.

[Lorenza]

All I'll say is- what would your reaction be if yoi heard that a guy had been trying to find out your date of birth and place of work in order to mine facebook for your profile. Don't you think going to that length is a bit much?

 

There are privacy settings on facebook for a reason and it should be understandable that people may use it for necessity only and do not want to be found by people they go on one date with and it doesn't work out. A lot of people also have no idea that if you google their phone number their facebook profile will be returned in the search results- so people are not necessarily willingly putting this stuff out there, these sites act in ways we don't anticipate.

 

My reaction would be: ok. *shoulder shrug*

 

If someone wants to use privacy settings you will most likely not find them. But if their profile is accessible and has pictures that everyone can view - it's on them.

 

Also, a lot has to do with what you're gonna do with that information. If a guy did a search on me to find my Facebook profile and check out if I look what I claim I look before going on a date with me - pff, help yourself. How does it hurt me? Or if he wants to check if I'm married. You really call that harassment/stalking? Oh please.

[some_username1]

My reaction would be: ok. *shoulder shrug*

 

If someone wants to use privacy settings you will most likely not find them. But if their profile is accessible and has pictures that everyone can view - it's on them.

 

Also, a lot has to do with what you're gonna do with that information. If a guy did a search on me to find my Facebook profile and check out if I look what I claim I look before going on a date with me - pff, help yourself. How does it hurt me? Or if he wants to check if I'm married. You really call that harassment/stalking? Oh please.

 

Fair enough- I suspect your reaction would be atypical of most women's response though!

[CryForNoOne]

Omg, how is it stalking to check someone out on social medias? People who have chosen to make their information public (f ex by creating a profile and posting their pictures on Facebook) have automatically agreed to that information being stored and accessible on the Internet forever! Let's check the definition of stalking, shall we:

"Cyberstalking’ refers to a particular type of stalking in which the stalker uses the internet and technology to harass the victim. This can involve anything from posting unwanted messages on a social networking site, to setting up websites with false or slanderous information about the victim, to trying to access the victim’s personal information, such as bank accounts"

 

It's not a crime to try and access something others have chosen to make public. Sunshine just wanted to see who the guy is. She isn't doing any of the aforementioned things or trying to harm the guy. Maybe people who are so creeped out by checking someone on Facebook are of an older generation and don't really understand how the whole social media concept works.

 

It depends on which social media. People who use Facebook are of an older generation to begin with. One of the great appeals of Instagram to the younger crowd is the limited access, limited bios, limited verbage, fleeting nature of uploads etc... Facebook has the potential to provide WAY too much info to nosy people unless you enable all sorts of privacy settings. It's one thing to look someone up on Facebook and poke around a little. I think everybody does this at some point if you're infatuated - I certainly have. It's also reassuring to get confirmation of little tidbits they have told you. But how much time you spend on someone's page and what you do with that info is where things can get creepy. Reverse phone number lookups once you're already dating seems like self sabotage to me. Why find him the hard way and wait for him to add you? Just ask already. Why do people have to creep when the person is right in front of them???

[NuevoYorko]

ES,

 

Go back to your very first post in this thread.

 

"just text, don't call"

 

They were BOTH all about "text don't call."

 

 

 

Look, If I am going to start dating someone, in this age I a going to add someone to my Social Media. It is so commonplace to do so these days it is literally an automatic action.

 

I don't think you read this whole thread. Several of us have said we think it would be very weird to add new dates onto social media. It's fine to disagree on this - but I would never do it and I'm not alone.

 

I'm gonna give it to you straight...you are a potential side piece of ass for Text Boy. Nothing more, nothing less

How can you possibly know this from this short thread, written from the perspective of the OP?

[Dis]

I kind of having a weird feeling about this guy... Gawddd I hate myself for saying that but I do

 

#1- The texting inconsistencies. Been there. Done that. Never ended well. Theres a reason why he's blowing you up one day and crickets the next

 

#2- Not adding you on fb after you mentioned it. I get that you told him he didnt have to but thats kind of inviting someone to a party but they dont accept the invite and also fail to explain why they cant come. I dont know.... not very transparent there

 

#3- He seems very sugary...as you said ES. Been there. Done that. Never ended well.

 

Thats just my paranoid take on things. But IME, my paranoia was sometimes justified

 

Also, has he not set up date #2????

 

Hmmm.....

[BluEyeL]

I get why the mistrust on the sugar. The texting and Facebook thing aren't a problem imo. But yes, is the next date set up? That is everything you need to know. For everything else different men act in different ways and it's not indicative of anything yet.

[joseb]

But the Just Text Don't Call business would have me running for the hills from this guy.

 

.

 

Why? It was an inside joke they shared because they both hate talking on the phone.

 

As to the whole Facebook thing...well, I'm not married or trying to hide anything dodgy, but I don't have my real surname on Facebook for a few reasons. I also have the privary settings high. And I don't post anything iffy there to begin with.

 

I suspect a lot more people will do this going forward, when the full extent of making too much of your life publically accessible becomes more apparent.