Another one bites the dust?

[amaysngrace]

So are you seeing him again this weekend?

[TheFinalWord]

The pictures are mostly of one female friend. They go out alone on date like activities constantly. They take pictures of themselves with him kissing her cheek, arm around her waist, her sitting on his lap. The mutual friends comment on their pictures stuff like "you two are perfect for each other if only you would get it together". Female friends are one thing, but they look like a couple/FWB/something other than platonic. He constantly shares memories of them pictured together with cheek kissing, him holding her from the back around the waist. Other female friends all look like group friends and are no biggie.

 

Also the days he told me he was busy with unspecific activities, he was actually out with her (as per tags on FB). He never mentioned her to me once. He talks extensively what he does all day but when he is out with her he says generic stuff like "I was out all day" and changes the topic immediately (that was before I had access to his FB). I mean, if they are truly platonic with no romantic interest, he would have no problem mentioning it. It also matches up the incosistent texting - one text per day were days he was with her.

 

He has also hid what's posted on his timeline from me now.

 

Still nothing shady? Still no white lies? I am genuinely curious if women here would be bothered by this in a man they have started dating? Especially Kamille and others that have defended him.

 

This guys behavior is cringy.

 

It's amazing what you can learn from social media. Saves a lot of time. Obviously social media is largely artificial. People present themselves in a projection-based light. But this guys behavior is shady IMHO. I've had girls I was dating pretend to be only dating me, than within a day of us going separate ways they are on social media out on other dates (usually I ended it because of some shady behavior). So I am to believe they just met, planned a date, and decided to post on social media for the world to comment on, within the day of us no longer dating lol I've been burned a few times in that regard. I try not to let my past experiences jade my future experiences, but at the same time we'd be fools to ignore past patterns. Fool me once shame on you, fool me twice shame on me. Checking social media, background, etc. is only basic common sense in this day and age before giving your heart away.

[Shining One]

If its not a bad thing why is he feeling the need to lie by omission/be sneaky.

Technically, everyone lies by omission. Did ES explain in detail the reasons she was seeking all of this information about the man in question? No, she didn't. She lied by omission.

[NuevoYorko]

Still nothing shady? Still no white lies? I am genuinely curious if women here would be bothered by this in a man they have started dating? Especially Kamille and others that have defended him.

 

I'm not a woman but when I'm starting to date one, my relationship history, including that which has taken place or is still taking place while we are starting to date, is not on the table for discussion. Hers either.

 

It's not fair to corner a person you've just met and then accuse them of lying if they don't reveal themselves immediately.

 

What a mistake he made by adding you on Facebook. He's unlikely to make that mistake again.

 

You titled this thread the way you did because you already had chosen to distrust him before anything had yet happened. He might be a bad guy, he might be genuine; whatever is actually going on with the man is of no consequence. Move on.

[NuevoYorko]

If its not a bad thing why is he feeling the need to lie by omission/be sneaky. reason

OTOH, just because you've recently met a stranger and you feel quite drawn to them doesn't mean that you are required to give them all of your personal information or otherwise be deemed a sneaky liar.

 

I'm thinking that several women on this thread must be in your teens. I'm a single dating man in my 40s and my head is spinning at the thought of anyone I meet possibly going through all of this conjecture. You might put me off women altogether if you keep this up!

[Kamille]

 

Still nothing shady? Still no white lies? I am genuinely curious if women here would be bothered by this in a man they have started dating? Especially Kamille and others that have defended him.

 

I just noticed you said I defended him.

 

I in fact went out of my way to say I didn't know him from atom and that I had no way to know whether or not he's a good guy. At most, I gave alternative explanations to your conjectures.

 

You don't trust men. Not all men are trustworthy and perhaps this one isn't. (I still don't know). Untrustworthy guys reveal themselves in time - usually 2-3 weeks. Your job is to stay balanced in your own life and set things up so that you don't obsess over a guy you just met. I really wish you understood that treating every guy like you're carrying out the inquisition is not gonna get you closer to finding one you trust.

[Art_Critic]

Also the days he told me he was busy with unspecific activities, he was actually out with her (as per tags on FB).

 

 

 

He has also hid what's posted on his timeline from me now.

 

 

ES, stop talking to this guy and unfriend him..

 

You don't need to be involved in this.. the guy is a mess and looking to hide her from you and you can bet hide you from her.

 

What a piece of work.. he is going to hurt her as well as who ever he can suck into his drama.

[NuevoYorko]

MidwestUSA, clicking 'like' on posts is different than what ES is seeing on the guy's FB and how he's tried to hide it from her.

If he was trying to hide it from her, it would be hidden.

 

The guy could be a serial killer or the savior of humankind. It will never be known. All we really know is that this is absolutely going nowhere for the OP.

[Art_Critic]

If he was trying to hide it from her, it would be hidden.

 

He did decide to hide the comments on his timeline from her but only after she had seen them.

[NuevoYorko]

But even this guy sees something is wrong with it. That's why he evaded her friendship request(s) on FB, warned her about it, and he's hidden his timeline?

How many people on this thread have to tell you that we would feel uncomfortable with being badgered about adding on FB and that we NEVER add new dates? It doesn't mean that you and the OP should join us, but it should indicate that it's completely normal for many. He acquiesced and I'm sure it was against his better judgement. I would not have. This situation has never happened to me. No woman from outside my circle of friends whom I have dated has EVER asked about my FB until / unless we actually started sharing a lot of our lives together.

 

How do you know that his timeline was not set on private before? Not that it matters one iota.

[NuevoYorko]

He did decide to hide the comments on his timeline from her but only after she had seen them.

 

I must have missed that part.

 

The thread started 9 days ago the day after their first meeting, with the OP very anxious that he hadn't texted yet after he'd said "talk tomorrow." Shortly thereafter, he texted her, as he'd said he would.

 

That set the tone and it's just magnified from there. This pairing is not going anywhere. Dissecting the man seems disingenuous. In any case, I fear I'm too old and old fashioned to be helpful here so I will bow out and wish you the best, OP, whether you decide to keep looking or remain solitary. This one needs to be put in the books.

[Ruby Slippers]

I haven't read the whole thread, but I think some people are going overboard about ES's "issues". We all have issues.

 

I totally get the way she thinks. I would never be happy and content in a relationship with a man who does some of this stuff. It's very true that it's hard being alone in some ways. But to some people, like me - and ES, I believe - it's better to be alone and deal with the pain points of being alone than to be tangled up in somebody else's very bothersome pain points.

 

Yes, we all have issues - but we get to choose a partner whose issues are compatible enough with our own that we enjoy being with them more than we enjoy being free.

 

The way I see it, this guy isn't solid enough to forsake your freedom for.

[Art_Critic]

This pairing is not going anywhere.

 

This one needs to be put in the books.

 

I guess in the end this is all that matters...

[JuneL]

I personally find it very odd that a straight guy would have such a close platonic friendship with another woman, much less showing off on fb constantly.

 

However, I don't understand why the OP wouldn't just ask politely for the guy's last name before they first met up (in fact, I remember coming across such a suggestion on a dating book for older professional women). I only had 3 weeks of OLD experience, but the few guys I chatted with more seriously all gave me their phone numbers and full names way before we arranged to meet up.

 

Also, I can't comprehend why the OP wouldn't just ask politely if they could add each other on fb, instead of doing this trivial thing in such a convoluted manner.

[No_Go]

Eh, close platonic friendships are ok, it happens. Sitting on the lap of your platonic friend - well, not so much [The only case it which I’ve seen something like this and it was benign is with gay friend and one of his female friends - they just happen to be overly affectionate; he’s gay and married - it still raises eyebrows].

 

For the last name: I’ve personally never had to ask, people volunteer this information. E.g. it’s part of the email that they share. Why this guy didn’t - is a bit weird by itself.

 

I personally find it very odd that a straight guy would have such a close platonic friendship with another woman, much less showing off on fb constantly.

 

However, I don't understand why the OP wouldn't just ask politely for the guy's last name before they first met up (in fact, I remember coming across such a suggestion on a dating book for older professional women). I only had 3 weeks of OLD experience, but the few guys I chatted with more seriously all gave me their phone numbers and full names way before we arranged to meet up.

 

Also, I can't comprehend why the OP wouldn't just ask politely if they could add each other on fb, instead of doing this trivial thing in such a convoluted manner.

[Cookiesandough]

OTOH, just because you've recently met a stranger and you feel quite drawn to them doesn't mean that you are required to give them all of your personal information or otherwise be deemed a sneaky liar.

 

I'm thinking that several women on this thread must be in your teens. I'm a single dating man in my 40s and my head is spinning at the thought of anyone I meet possibly going through all of this conjecture. You might put me off women altogether if you keep this up!

 

That's true, but why don't you could you just say that? Say you'd rather not give out your social media. I have said this previously - I do this same thing to men. I don't give my social media for a few reasons. I often deflect the "Why haven't you added me yet?l" "Oh hey, you still need to add me remember" by just laughing and saying sorry I will but never do. I don't eventually relent after cleaning stuff up like this guy, either.

 

I understand completely why they deem it sneaky!!! I mean I'm not saying there's anything wrong with hiding stuff from strangers at first, but it's still sneaky. It's not normal behavior and I understand why it gives them a little pause. Most people you can find relatively easily on social media. You can get a lot of info about a person by that. In your 20s and 30s, being a social media ghost makes people wary.

Edited November 9, 2017 by Cookiesandough

[Cookiesandough]

How many people on this thread have to tell you that we would feel uncomfortable with being badgered about adding on FB and that we NEVER add new dates? It doesn't mean that you and the OP should join us, but it should indicate that it's completely normal for many. He acquiesced and I'm sure it was against his better judgement. I would not have. This situation has never happened to me. No woman from outside my circle of friends whom I have dated has EVER asked about my FB until / unless we actually started sharing a lot of our lives together.

 

How do you know that his timeline was not set on private before? Not that it matters one iota.

 

I find that surprising, but fortunate for you. I date men a bit younger than you and I can't think of any men outside my circle that haven't asked me about my social media and went to great lengths to get it although it's obvious I don't want to give it. The more you dodge, the more dodgy it becomes. It just is. I accept that men see it as a red flag now( and upon reading this thread I think I might too. It wouldn't stop me from dating them, but it would make me 'hmmm'). It's because I am a stranger and already hiding/sneaking around. If you come out open your reasons I guess that'd be understandable.

 

But good luck telling them the truth. Tell them they're most likely just temporary and don't warrant the add or that you like to high level flirt with multiple ppl on there lol They wont like it. Even if you say "Oh I don't add people until I know them better" or you've had a bad xp doing that they'll want to know why or think you're odd/uppity.

 

It's just the age we live in. Any divergence from the norm is going to make some people take pause. I don't really look at social media that much, but I don't think I've been on dates with strangers who were social media ghosts or had it on lockdown,. Most of the time, it's hard to avoid it. They have their instagram linked to their tinder with 1000s of pictures and friends. Sometimes, they've only got a little bit of stuff and 90% other girls, but it's open.

Edited November 9, 2017 by Cookiesandough

[Highndry]

This whole thread leaves me with one question - WHY are you going on another date with this guy?

[kassy]

Wow just read this thread.

 

Intense.

 

That ALL happened in 9 days!?!?!

 

I think ES you should try and see someone to help deal with your issues from your last relationship as it's clearly got to you. This is not healthy. The whole thread literally blew my mind, and I'm a chick!

 

It must be exhausting thinking it all through in SO MUCH DETAIL.

 

I've found that people tend to give very clear indications who they are within 3 weeks to a month. No need for stalking or overanalyzing. Just wait, be present on dates, go about your life as you normally would, and you'll know stress free in no time.

 

For example, if you had dated him longer (and not been friends on Facebook) he might have wanted you to meet his busty friend so you would know her and understand how untreathening their relationship should be to you before adding you on Facebook, and maybe you might have had a totally different perspective when you first saw his Facebook page.

 

Maybe he's a total slease.

 

I have no idea. But in my opinion neither do you and you self sabotaged.

[Ariadne]

Still nothing shady? Still no white lies? I am genuinely curious if women here would be bothered by this in a man they have started dating? Especially Kamille and others that have defended him.

 

Ok, he has this friend. You should talk to him about it first before jumping to conclusions.

 

My take is that if he didn´t like you he wouldn´t go through the trouble of planning so many nice dates, with picnics, bringing tons of stuff for the picnic, and arranging nice places to meet.

[clia]

That's true, but why don't you could you just say that? Say you'd rather not give out your social media.

 

I feel like if this guy had tried to say that, he still would've been judged and you all would've been accusing him of trying to hide something. He was in a no-win situation.

 

Personally, I would never friend someone on Facebook who I'd only been dating for a week.

 

But anyway, what's done is done.

[Eternal Sunshine]

I feel like if this guy had tried to say that, he still would've been judged and you all would've been accusing him of trying to hide something. He was in a no-win situation.

 

Personally, I would never friend someone on Facebook who I'd only been dating for a week.

 

But anyway, what's done is done.

 

That's fine but then don't go on and on with how special someone is and make all kinds of promises. Yet simple act of adding them on social media is evaded. At the very least talk openly about it.

 

Personally I offer and like full transparency.

[Cookiesandough]

I feel like if this guy had tried to say that, he still would've been judged and you all would've been accusing him of trying to hide something. He was in a no-win situation.

 

Personally, I would never friend someone on Facebook who I'd only been dating for a week.

 

But anyway, what's done is done.

 

yes of course "I don't give out my social media" raises the question why especially if you are considering getting serious with someone and they claim to want that too...

 

It's normal to wonder why because the majority of people have no problems giving out their social media. That's just been my experience.

 

The guy was trying to hide that he's a flirt, which may or may not have been the problem. He's just trying to have it both ways /give off a different persona and that doesn't often work well for us. I've learned that more often that not it backfires.

Edited November 9, 2017 by Cookiesandough

[Eternal Sunshine]

Also, given that we had 4 dates I would soon be expected to go to his home or invite him to mine, have sex with him. All those acts with a stranger that I met on a dating ap and that are way more intimate than adding someone on social media.

 

I'm asked to take a "leap of faith" and give "benefit of the doubt". Yet it's totally fine that he won't take a leap of faith in adding me on Facebook? Wow just wow.

[Cookiesandough]

"it should be fine to not give out your social media to someone you just started dating" Shoulds, oughts, and in theories are all awesome but they aren't reality as evidenced by OP having been put off enough to dump this guy for it and and my having been accused being in relationships/married lol. I think it's a red flag for many younger ppl. To them, at best you're a control freak/trust issues...at worst you're a serial killer trying to hide evidence of last victims

Edited November 9, 2017 by Cookiesandough