Another one bites the dust?

[Eternal Sunshine]

I think dumping him is the best choice for you. I've also discontinued dating guys after finding out they've got loads of female friends, why going through the anxiety. Not all of us can deal with that. Plenty of men out there who either have male friends predominantly, or female friends they've known for ages who also are in RL.

 

Also this guy seems to know exactly what to say. Most women will get swayed by the sweet talk combined with his good looks and I'd bet my money on him being perfectly aware of that.

 

Both of my long term exes were attractive and had mainly male friends. They added me on FB the first time we met and there was no evidence pseudo-dates (frequent 1-1 hangouts with single attractive "female friends") with anyone.

 

So a fact that an attractive guy has that stuff all over FB because he just "can't help it", "he is so attractive", he gets "female attention" is BS.

[Ruby Slippers]

Agreed. I've had relationships with a few girl magnets, and their social media accounts were normal, with nothing concerning. Mostly oriented around guy friends, family, and professional contacts. A guy looking for something real is not going to have a player-looking internet presence anywhere.

[thefooloftheyear]

36......never married....never kids.....lays on compliments heavy(and at inopportune times).....Is indecisive and indirect....Has a FB account with a lot of "girls" as friends.. ...

 

He's not a player and he ain't a "man's man".....sounds more like a rookie or a noob...

 

But what do I know....

 

TFY

[Cobra_X]

Yeah Kamille has a point, I am generally an anxious person, I tend to over-think and worry a lot but it also doesn't mean that these worries are completely ungrounded. I do it with work too and my life would generally be a lot easier if I could learn to better cope with anxiety.

 

I will tell you exactly what I think whether you like it or not. I could be wrong in this because I'm only hearing your side of things, but I whole heartedly agree with you ditching this guy.

 

I just get this feeling like he thinks he is so damn smooth. The facebook thing is kind of a side issue, but it does reveal that he clearly is dragging some other women along.

 

I mean listen... I am a full believer in Ladder Theory. If Mr.SmoothTalker has these women he is "friends" with... either they are ex sex partners or he is hoping to turn them into sex partners.

 

I have some true platonic female friends... but there is zero attraction. ZERO.

[Vyliss]

I think everyone is right with what they're saying about this guy and ES.

 

ES - you are overthinking and overanalysing way too much for having known this guy for 10 days or so. Why are you trying to rush those dates just as much as him? If a guy wanted to meet this quickly, space out the dates! What exactly is the rush? So you can figure out whether to dump him quickly or not?

 

Like CryForNoOne said, you're exhibiting a lot of self-sabotaging behaviour here.

 

With that said, this guy may be a player. He's too smooth, he has lots of girls on his facebook, he said a few lies and he's inconsistent. They're red flags... but then again, he is still a stranger. You've been on 4 dates. He's not in love with you and neither are you with him.

 

Not sure if you're aware - perhaps you've been single for too long, but men treat women differently depending on if they're dating them or they're in a relationship with them. You say you don't trust him, but maybe he's getting the vibe that he can't trust you? If I don't trust someone, I'm not going to go out of my way to be super consistent with them.

 

Many times if a guy loves a woman, he will adjust his behaviour to accomodate her.

 

Instead of looking out for flags and deciding whether to ditch him or not, why not take the time to get to know him more, find out exactly what kind of guy he is, what is in his heart (player facade aside - even players have a heart). REALLY get to know him.

 

Or perhaps this is what you're really afraid of and trying to avoid - getting close to someone...

 

If you keep sabotaging yourself like this, you will be alone for a long long time.

 

There will be no "perfect guy" that will do and say everything right and break down your walls. You have lower your own walls and let people in.

[LovelyRose]

So I straight up asked him and he evaded again.

 

Took him 30 minutes to reply.

 

I said: "Hey so out of curiousity, do you have a preference on not adding people you have just started to date on FB?"

 

Over 30 minutes later (I don't think he ever took more than 5-10 minutes to reply):

 

"That's an interesting question. For me FB is mostly about cats and dogs. I don't have a preference"

 

then again "I dunno, maybe it would be cool to exchange funny gifs".

 

still hasn't added me....

 

What do I say now? He is a smart guy, if he truly didn't care, he would have just added me.

 

I know you are all going to say that I am crazy, but I don't think I am

 

Wow just wow OP. This guy can never win. You were obsessed with his FB and finally added you and still thinking negative.

 

Let's say you are right that he may have taken time to "clean up" his FB. But to me he is probably thinking, why did she tell me it's not important to add me when it really matters to her. I bet you he is starting to sniff a bit of your craziness but not enough to make him run away because he likes you a lot that he's going along with it.

So if you're right that he cleaned up his FB is because he already anticipates more and more question from you.

 

The sugary texts were started by YOU. He just followed through.

 

If he didn't do what you want/expect him to do you're doubting him. When he finally does you are still filled with doubts and suspicion. I havent read any of your threads but is this your norm?

[LovelyRose]

Why so harsh - it takes a bit of time to sense the person. I'd say anything under a month is too little information to proceed either way.

 

 

How is that harsh? Everything on OP's post is negativity and doubt towards the guy. Why even bother dating him? Even when the guy is showing something nice it still comes off suspicious to her. Like him getting her a napkin when she spilled her ice cream, among other things she is doubting.

[LovelyRose]

So I added him....and he is quite far from "loner" he says he is. He is also far from posting pics of cats and dogs like he said.

 

No wonder he didn't want to add me.

 

He only seems to have female friends. Especially one that constantly wears low cut tops and "checks in" with him alone at least once a week. They seem to go out drinking a lot and post love hearts to each other. Her relationship status is "single".

 

The other most featured person is another attractive female and she and the other one seem to argue and flirt with him on everything he posts.

 

Just looks like bad news all around.

 

Am I overreacting?

 

Not any male friends in sight.

 

 

Oh hmmm...... Well that changes things a bit . Should've finished reading all the threads before commenting. Well no turning back now. All you can do is ask him whats up with those ladies.

[JuneL]

I can't think of any straight guy with lots of female friends; also, I fail to see why a true player would want to show off his women with those over the top emoji's on facebook. Perhaps this guy is a bit insecure about his social life (or lack thereof)? I personally don't use fb often and don't have nearly as many fb friends compared to most people. But you can see a few people whom I regard as casual friends at best constantly liking or commenting on my posts or pictures. My real close or best friends seldom appear on my fb wall, as we mostly contact by real means.

[Eternal Sunshine]

I think that both are true: I am anxious and over-analyze and this guy is not a good match for me. I often have trouble discerning when I am being too negative and when there is real reason for caution.

 

People that picked up on my patterns of behaviour are mostly correct and I think it will certainly do me no favors when I do meet someone that's right for me.

 

I know I shouldn't but I read a bit more of this guy's FB and it seems like he has unrequited feelings for the skimpy topped friend who has friendzoned him but is happy to lead him on. He actually said repeatedly to me that being "best friends" is his ideal relationship. I almost feel sorry for him. Poor guy has probably signed up to dating apps to get over her

[Versacehottie]

Wow just wow OP. This guy can never win. You were obsessed with his FB and finally added you and still thinking negative.

 

Let's say you are right that he may have taken time to "clean up" his FB. But to me he is probably thinking, why did she tell me it's not important to add me when it really matters to her. I bet you he is starting to sniff a bit of your craziness but not enough to make him run away because he likes you a lot that he's going along with it.

So if you're right that he cleaned up his FB is because he already anticipates more and more question from you.

 

The sugary texts were started by YOU. He just followed through.

 

If he didn't do what you want/expect him to do you're doubting him. When he finally does you are still filled with doubts and suspicion. I havent read any of your threads but is this your norm?

 

I'm in the wow!! camp too. This thread is a train wreck of OP's anxiety playing itself out and suspicion. If you are going to be this suspicious and paranoid about someone's every intention and move they make, I don't see how you will ever find a relationship with this mindset (or a healthy one). Bingo on the sugary texts. Eternal was sugary first now he's fake because he does them back?

 

I get it that at this point your attraction is gone and there's not much you can do about that now with this guy. BUT, it makes sense to examine how you are coming off yourself because a woman acting the way you do, even if you think you are concealing it, is not attractive & you will probably drive away some good people and maybe even one day a guy you are actually into. there is soooooo much fear in all the judgements you made about this guy, that in an effort to "protect" yourself, you might just find yourself alone.

 

The FB stuff is ridiculous. If you are going to hold that as a measure by which you decide someone is relationship-worthy, idk what is going on but it's not probably the best things to have as a make or break issue or all the drama you have created surrounding it. You seem to allow yourself luxuries of non-judgement that you don't allow others. Weird double standard. I think you are just trying to protect yourself but you come off as really damaged. Sorry, saying it so hopefully it will wake you up. People can give you 10+ reasons why maybe they don't want to share social media with you at the beginning. Not all of them bad. I think one of the top reasons would be that they don't want you to creep through all their posts and decide what kind of person they are and judge them without getting to know them. Something they don't have to worry about as much with their friends who already know them. I think it's odd that you don't just come right out and ask his last name, yet are this worked up about not getting his access to his FB. And let's be honest, you wanted to see his social media so you could find out more about him. And probably exactly what he might have been worried about happened, you made all sorts of judgements about it, even the issue of why or why not you couldn't find it became a judgment.

 

Anyway, I wish you luck but I think you really need to change some stuff about your approach and mindset.

[TheTraveler]

These threads are refreshing

 

The OP clearly is hardcore into Facebook and into stalking

 

My fb? Just a couple of pictures and that’s it.

 

I wonder if previous dates I’ve had has a problem with this? Lol don’t care

[Eternal Sunshine]

I'm in the wow!! camp too. This thread is a train wreck of OP's anxiety playing itself out and suspicion. If you are going to be this suspicious and paranoid about someone's every intention and move they make, I don't see how you will ever find a relationship with this mindset (or a healthy one). Bingo on the sugary texts. Eternal was sugary first now he's fake because he does them back?

 

I get it that at this point your attraction is gone and there's not much you can do about that now with this guy. BUT, it makes sense to examine how you are coming off yourself because a woman acting the way you do, even if you think you are concealing it, is not attractive & you will probably drive away some good people and maybe even one day a guy you are actually into. there is soooooo much fear in all the judgements you made about this guy, that in an effort to "protect" yourself, you might just find yourself alone.

 

The FB stuff is ridiculous. If you are going to hold that as a measure by which you decide someone is relationship-worthy, idk what is going on but it's not probably the best things to have as a make or break issue or all the drama you have created surrounding it. You seem to allow yourself luxuries of non-judgement that you don't allow others. Weird double standard. I think you are just trying to protect yourself but you come off as really damaged. Sorry, saying it so hopefully it will wake you up. People can give you 10+ reasons why maybe they don't want to share social media with you at the beginning. Not all of them bad. I think one of the top reasons would be that they don't want you to creep through all their posts and decide what kind of person they are and judge them without getting to know them. Something they don't have to worry about as much with their friends who already know them. I think it's odd that you don't just come right out and ask his last name, yet are this worked up about not getting his access to his FB. And let's be honest, you wanted to see his social media so you could find out more about him. And probably exactly what he might have been worried about happened, you made all sorts of judgements about it, even the issue of why or why not you couldn't find it became a judgment.

 

Anyway, I wish you luck but I think you really need to change some stuff about your approach and mindset.

 

I don't even count whatever was posted in the OP as sugary. What followed was way, way worse.

 

As for you will end up alone comment, it doesn't scare me at all. I have been "alone" for the better part of the last 5 years and I'm comfortable and good at being alone. Why do people think that being alone is the worst thing in the world? The idea feels like wrapping myself up in a comfortable blanket I guess the idea of being in a long term relationship doesn't appeal to me enough to work on my issues.

 

I'm pretty upfront at telling guys that I have trust issues. I think I told this guy on date 2. He didn't seem to care.

 

I now just feel like I have lost interest and attraction. I resheduled the date for the weekend and his response was "How will I survive till the weekend?"

[No_Go]

The dude desperately wants to get laid reading his last comment I think you did the best to reschedule- still leaving the door open (although if what you write is how he behaves... ) but giving time to breathe.

 

As for being alone, people can’t understand how comfortable it can be... Because in the ‘date! marry! NOW!’ world people don’t even take the time to be with themselves ... which I think is crippling but is encouraged in some social groups...

 

I don't even count whatever was posted in the OP as sugary. What followed was way, way worse.

 

As for you will end up alone comment, it doesn't scare me at all. I have been "alone" for the better part of the last 5 years and I'm comfortable and good at being alone. Why do people think that being alone is the worst thing in the world? The idea feels like wrapping myself up in a comfortable blanket I guess the idea of being in a long term relationship doesn't appeal to me enough to work on my issues.

 

I'm pretty upfront at telling guys that I have trust issues. I think I told this guy on date 2. He didn't seem to care.

 

I now just feel like I have lost interest and attraction. I resheduled the date for the weekend and his response was "How will I survive till the weekend?"

[Cobra_X]

I think that both are true: I am anxious and over-analyze and this guy is not a good match for me. I often have trouble discerning when I am being too negative and when there is real reason for caution.

People that picked up on my patterns of behaviour are mostly correct and I think it will certainly do me no favors when I do meet someone that's right for me.

I know I shouldn't but I read a bit more of this guy's FB and it seems like he has unrequited feelings for the skimpy topped friend who has friendzoned him but is happy to lead him on. He actually said repeatedly to me that being "best friends" is his ideal relationship. I almost feel sorry for him. Poor guy has probably signed up to dating apps to get over her

 

It is a self defense mechanism. I honestly believe the right person for you is someone who can both understand and overcome it.

 

This guy is simply not that.

[some_username1]

It is a self defense mechanism. I honestly believe the right person for you is someone who can both understand and overcome it.

 

This guy is simply not that.

 

The problem is that any decent guy who is a catch and has some self respect isn't going to stick around long enough to find out that it is a deep seated trust issue. After being backed into a corner early on they will question what the point is when it is so easy to cut losses and get back on OLD and meet someone else fairly quickly and easily. The ones that stick around WILL be the players because they can play the low effort, long game because they know they aren't looking to wife the girl up and will be out of there soon enough.

 

OP needs to deal with this issue herself before expecting a man to. God knows men on this forum are always being told that if they can't get a girl it is totally on them to improve. Self sabotaging is not a good look for a male OR a female.

[Versacehottie]

I don't even count whatever was posted in the OP as sugary. What followed was way, way worse.

 

As for you will end up alone comment, it doesn't scare me at all. I have been "alone" for the better part of the last 5 years and I'm comfortable and good at being alone. Why do people think that being alone is the worst thing in the world? The idea feels like wrapping myself up in a comfortable blanket I guess the idea of being in a long term relationship doesn't appeal to me enough to work on my issues.

 

I'm pretty upfront at telling guys that I have trust issues. I think I told this guy on date 2. He didn't seem to care.

 

I now just feel like I have lost interest and attraction. I resheduled the date for the weekend and his response was "How will I survive till the weekend?"

 

As many posters agreed on page 1 or 2, your initial texting with each other was over the top for a lot of us, started by you to be honest. And even if he is cheesier than you are and has continued it without reciprocation by you at this point, you opened the door. Probably smarter to not do that next time if cheesy over the top statements subsequent from the object of your affection will end up turning you off or coming off as fake, inauthentic. That's probably why a significant amount of us thought they were over the top, gushing to begin with--it was too much too soon and bound to escalate the emotional part in a way that makes one or the other person run scared because there is no real basis for saying them initially. Trust me, I totally get why you have lost attraction and that there is no turning back once that has happened. Just saying you should look at your own actions, not just scrutinize his in this scenario. IMO, they have been just as irrational and turn-off-y.

 

As for the being alone part, idk, I have gotten the impression over the long amount of time that I've seen your posts that you really really really want a boyfriend/partner. Your initial behavior with him said as much by throwing out serious type comments etc. In fact, inherent in the title of this thread "another one bites the dust" indicates that you want to have a boyfriend and are frustrated by the search for one. Although much different desperation at the beginning of thread (couldn't bare the wait for confirmation of plans, worrying he was disappearing) to total turn off in a matter of days.

 

Yep to the bolded. You say this sentence on the one hand but on the other hand, a decent amount of your words and actions say otherwise too. Idk, maybe you should work on your issues so if you choose to be alone that you are completely comfortable with it rather than vacillating between desperately wanting someone and then finding reasons to push them away etc. Your declaration isn't 100% convincing let's just say. Ok, wish you the best and I totally think once attraction is gone you should just stop seeing this guy. Hopefully, you will have your end sorted out when the next one comes along.

[Versacehottie]

The problem is that any decent guy who is a catch and has some self respect isn't going to stick around long enough to find out that it is a deep seated trust issue. After being backed into a corner early on they will question what the point is when it is so easy to cut losses and get back on OLD and meet someone else fairly quickly and easily. The ones that stick around WILL be the players because they can play the low effort, long game because they know they aren't looking to wife the girl up and will be out of there soon enough.

 

OP needs to deal with this issue herself before expecting a man to. God knows men on this forum are always being told that if they can't get a girl it is totally on them to improve. Self sabotaging is not a good look for a male OR a female.

 

1000%!!!! Just because he "heard" her initial statement of having trust issues and she "informed" him, doesn't mean that he or any guy will still hang in there as they have to suffer through them. Actually if he knew all the angst and irrationality that was going on purely regarding the FB, and he was decently normal, I'd be out. OP is not the only one who gets to be fickle and lose attraction on a dime. Happens on both ends.

[amaysngrace]

No offense but if you know you have issues and aren't willing to address them because being single is "so appealing" then what in the world are you doing on online dating services yet complain that you don't want your time wasted?

 

Isn't that just what you're doing?

 

And what about their time??

[Ariadne]

I resheduled the date for the weekend and his response was "How will I survive till the weekend?"

 

I think this guy likes you and thinks you are interesting.

 

Don´t let your insecurity get the best of you. Maybe he thinks those girls are boring, not compatible, etc. It´s not all about the looks! Maybe you stimulate him in different ways. He already told you he finds you attractive.

 

I´d say get to know him better with no pressure. Just have fun!

[BaileyB]

As for you will end up alone comment, it doesn't scare me at all. I have been "alone" for the better part of the last 5 years and I'm comfortable and good at being alone. Why do people think that being alone is the worst thing in the world? The idea feels like wrapping myself up in a comfortable blanket I guess the idea of being in a long term relationship doesn't appeal to me enough to work on my issues.

 

I resheduled the date for the weekend and his response was "How will I survive till the weekend?"

 

This could easily be interpreted as an attempt at humor, self-deprecating humor. It's kind of cute

 

Look, I've been there, done that. You can wrap yourself in a comfortable blanket and read a book for as long as you like.... But, I will tell you, it gets pretty lonely.

 

I did the same thing - I had a wonderful life, lots of friends, travelled the world... life was good, for the most part. And then, my mom got sick and died. And I realized, at the end of my life I didn't want to be surrounded by photos from my travels. I wanted there to be people, sitting around my bed. I decided that I did not want to die never having the experience of loving a man, and being loved in return.

 

When I was younger, I was afraid to take the risk because I was afraid to be hurt. I eventually had to realize that I was already hurting - watching my friends get married, have their families, and live their lives. So, why not take the risk? So, I dealt with my issues, and I took the risk when I met a wonderful man... and I have found love and happiness.

 

Maybe this guy isn't the one... Only you can make that decision. But, try not to put your guard up and sabotage the relationship because you are afraid to be hurt. Doing that, is hurting yourself in a different way.

 

Good luck.

[Kamille]

If a long term relationship isn't something you want... Then why did you get so anxious so quickly with this guy? That doesn't compute.

 

Someone who doesn't feel they need a relationship to be happy would not have stressed out the way you did. They would not have over-monitored for rejection and then over-monitored for deception. They would have given the guy a full day before assuming he was on the outs for not texting. That same person would not have obsessed about his Facebook page the way you did.

 

I'm not saying "oh everyone wants a relationship". I'm not particularly relationship-prone, but as a result I tend to be pretty laid back during the first week. You were not. You were the exact opposite, basically compulsively driving for a "resolution" because you couldn't handle ... The anxiety? Not knowing how things would turn out?

 

I rather get the impression that you want it so much that you can't reason yourself when you meet someone with whom you feel potential. You put in a bunch of distancing strategies because intimacy scares you.

 

 

 

Note: What white lies? Do we have video proving the guy wasn't sleeping when he said he was? And the sentence "mostly pictures of cats and dogs" is somewhat common in my circles to describe a nondescript Facebook page.

He also told ES his Facebook page was filled with pictures of women because he has friends who are women. She then goes on and finds that... It's filled with pictures of women. Sure, it could be he had feelings for one of them, but he met ES ONE WEEK AGO. Was he supposed to not have a life before her?

[Cookiesandough]

The guys a total player xD Even down to the sweet/flirty talk(You're pretty good yourself, though ) He was evasive about adding you because he didn't want to blow his cover of having his FB is filled with chicks he's likely got with/flirting with... like Ms Lowcut top!!!

 

Me: "Oh wow, some hot pics on there BTW I had to ask because there are some dishonest people on these apps. You never said or did anything to make me doubt you. It's just that my internet stalking skills suck "

 

Him:"Hell, I am definitely single . I don't even have pics of any exes on there so any female you see is a friend. Lucky there are many other qualities that make up for your poor internet stalking skills "

 

Haha note how he jumped straight to that. He knows where he needs to do damage control. "You want to use my computer? Sure. BTW I'm totally straight. I don't even have gay porn on my computer, so if you see any gay porn on there was an accidental click." xD

Edited November 8, 2017 by Cookiesandough

[No_Go]

That's totally on point! If he had nothing to hide - why the explanatory comment for his female friends? People explain themselves when they hide something: e.g. someone taking (faking) a day off 'sick' giving his/her whole range of symptoms to their manager

 

My take is still that his FB page is just the one he made for his Tinder account and the 'girls' are former/current bites.

 

Aw loveshackers are so innocent. The guys a total player xD Even down to the sweet/flirty talk(You're pretty good yourself, though ) He was evasive about adding you because he didn't want to blow his cover of having his FB is filled with chicks he's likely got with/flirting with... like Ms Lowcut top!!!

 

 

 

Haha note how he jumped straight to that. He knows where he needs to do damage control. "You want to use my computer? Sure. BTW I'm totally straight. I don't even have gay porn on my computer, so if you see any gay porn on there was an accidental click." xD

[some_username1]

No offense but if you know you have issues and aren't willing to address them because being single is "so appealing" then what in the world are you doing on online dating services yet complain that you don't want your time wasted?

 

Isn't that just what you're doing?

 

And what about their time??

 

OP sadly seems to have a bit of a cale eating mindset because she has convinced herself she is better off single. He has to prove himself to her while she gives no quarter in return.

 

The tragic part of all this is that OP desperately wants matey to dance along in time with the tune that is in her head but she can't bring herself to tell him what that tune is and punishes herself (and him) when he fails to meet her demands. A vicious cycle.