Another one bites the dust?

[kazen]

Hmm... no update? She must be sleeping over at his place.

[Eternal Sunshine]

Update:

 

Second date went well but somehow wasn't as exciting as the first. It started off great, with lots of little touching, he even took my hands across the table during dinner and said "I will be honest. I really like you and I would like to see more of you".

 

But I didn't feel like I got to know him any better. Conversation was mostly superficial. I have no idea when his last relationship ended and he is very cagey about the topic of exes. In his travel stories he refereed to his ex as a "travel partner". I was like "What's a travel partner?" and he goes "It was actually an ex", looking down.

 

There was also a detail during dinner that kind of bothered me. In our chats before he told me he will be away all weekend. When I asked him "So you are going away this weekend?", I expected him to say that it's a trip with friends or family or something like that. But he just said "Oh it got cancelled". He didn't expand, kept looking down and seemed anxious to change the topic. I have a feeling it's female related. While multi-dating is expected on these apps (even though I don't like it), weekend away is a bit much. I dunno. I just got a weird vibe but didn't want to press it. I kind of pulled away from that point, my guard went up and wasn't talking much. He was pretty chatty and was filling in for my lack of conversation.

 

I decided to try and get back into the date when we left the restaurant. He suggested ice cream and walk in the park. We were holding hands by that stage. Some of my ice-cream spilled and he was like "Stay right there". He ran into the nearest restaurant and got a wet and a dry napkin for me to clean my hands. Just a bit too smooth. In the park, we were sitting on the bench and he had his arm around me. He pretty quickly went in for a kiss and we spent the next hour talking and kissing. Physical part went well, it got heated at few points and I pulled away (I am not ready for sex at all yet).

 

After about 4 hour mark I said that I better be heading home. He gave me a lift and we made out a bit more in the car He didn't pressure me for sex or to come to my place or anything like that.

 

After I got home he sent me a text that he had "an absolutely wonderful time". He was texting me today a lot. He was being a super sweet talker. Kept talking about how beautiful he finds me, how he can't wait to hold me again. It was just a bit much. I like sweet talk if it's sincere but I am not sure that's the case here. He also asked to see me on Saturday night (tomorrow). I told him that I had plans but suggested Sunday. He said he has plans on Sunday but then suggested picnic in the park on Saturday around lunch. I agreed. He is picking me up and offered to get all the picnic stuff (like food and drinks and other supplies). He said that he already has "the picnic kit" (again very smooth). At least since it's outdoors and during day time, there won't be pressure to have sex.

 

I dunno. I get a bit of a casual/player vibe OR just got out of a LTR very recently vibe. I mean, I am sure he is attracted to me and it would be fine to keep things light at the start, it's just that in that case all the over the top affection and sweet talk is being fake. I can't stand anything that's not authentic. Perhaps he is trying to fast-track sex but the picnic is not going to lead there and I am sure he can get sex pretty easily.

 

I am trying not to jump to conclusions just yet but my guard is officially up. We will see how tomorrow goes.

[mortensorchid]

Hmmm ... I admit you are the first person I have encountered in any way, shape or form that has seen a person for a SECOND time from a dating app. For a date that is. Except for me, but those two guys turned out to be friends not lovers, but those are other stories...

 

I would certainly be wary of this based on the second encounter story. Does it sound odd? That's up for debate. Otherwise forgot to ask a question here : How soon did you hear from him once you had his phone number? Because there are a few things you must keep in mind about post OLD Date 1 communication:

 

1) 48 Hour Rule - If you have not heard from him within the first 48 hours after the first get together, you will not hear from him again. He might contact you a few days later, you may have a second get together with him after that, but he doesn't really care if you say yes or no his second offer and you won't hear from him again after that.

 

2) Texting vs. Calling - If the man texts you after the get together, that's a poor sign. Texting is a passive way of communication, phone calls are more direct. Eventually it will taper off where two will be texting for a few days and then one will not respond to a text. Once it's been 48 hours, the trail goes cold. And it will go cold REAL FAST with texting.

 

3) Phone calls - A POSITIVE SIGN. A man who wants to see a woman again will CALL her, not text. Because he's excited about seeing you again and WANTS to be with you.

 

4) App texting - A VERY BAD SIGN if the guy does not offer his phone number to text/call his phone rather than through the app. He is REALLY NOT interested in you if he does this.

[NuevoYorko]

Update:

 

 

I am trying not to jump to conclusions just yet but my guard is officially up. We will see how tomorrow goes.

 

You seem like a very analytical woman - but is there any way you can hold yourself back from that a touch and allow things to unfold as they will? I would suggest you be observant but refrain from reading a lot into every move and trying to construct his history from bits of information.

 

If you are interested in one another, you will find out what you need to know as time goes on. You're perceptive. You will recognize if a terrible red flag goes up. None of these qualify even remotely.

[Shining One]

Texting vs. Calling - If the man texts you after the get together, that's a poor sign. Texting is a passive way of communication, phone calls are more direct. Eventually it will taper off where two will be texting for a few days and then one will not respond to a text. Once it's been 48 hours, the trail goes cold. And it will go cold REAL FAST with texting.

Phone calls - A POSITIVE SIGN. A man who wants to see a woman again will CALL her, not text. Because he's excited about seeing you again and WANTS to be with you.

Neither the OP nor the man in question likes voice calls.

Me: Hey. it was really nice meeting you today and really hope to see you again. Here is my number ___ just text, don't call

*(we only communicated through an app so didn't have each others numbers and we had this joke that we both hate phone calls)*

 

Him: Hahaha! I wouldn't put you through the torture of a phone call I had a really fun time with you and would really love to see you again And I hope the uber guy redeemed himself to at least 4 stars

[Kamille]

This is a lot of analysis for a second date. In this I agree with Nuevo Yorko.

 

You're not committing to anything just yet. Can you abstain from analyzing his every move so you can enjoy getting to know him? Reading your post, I get the impression there's no way he can win here. Everything he says and does might be held against him.

 

It reads as though you have guard up, way up. Try to be open here.

[joseb]

This is a lot of analysis for a second date. In this I agree with Nuevo Yorko.

 

You're not committing to anything just yet. Can you abstain from analyzing his every move so you can enjoy getting to know him? Reading your post, I get the impression there's no way he can win here. Everything he says and does might be held against him.

 

It reads as though you have guard up, way up. Try to be open here.

 

I agree with this post.

 

Him not talking about exes? That's normal.

Nobody should bring up exes on a second date. Why would you go there?

 

Op it's almost like you are self sabotaging. The initial text exchange, you freaked our that he wasn't replying immediately next day. Then trying to find hidden(bad) meanings to his every gesture. Him getting a napkin to clean you is bad? Come on, what's going on here?

[Tinie]

I too think you really need to relax. You have been on two dates with this man. At this point he's a total stranger to you. You cannot possibly expect him to open up and talk about his relationship history and reveal such personal things about himself when he barely knows you. These things take time.

 

Also, if he was going to meet a woman on the weekend, so what? Maybe he cancelled that meetup because he likes you and wants to focus on you instead. You cannot expect him to commit to you exclusively after two dates though. Its normal for people to multi-date at this point, it doesn't make them jerks.

 

Nothing about your post suggested that he's a player or just got out of a relationship. He sounds like a good guy, a gentleman. I think you need to relax and enjoy this more, and lessen the amount of analysis and the importance you're placing on dating this guy. I understand that you want a solid relationship with a good man, but that isn't going to happen after two dates. Focus on the rest of your life outside of this relationship, and just casually see where this relationship goes. Don't assume this guy has evil intentions and shut down, because that behaviour will eventually drive him away and you'll end up alone this way.

[some_username1]

Wow, the guy has gone from hero to zero in the space of a date and it looks like all he did was try and give affirmation of his interest. All the OP wanted at the start of this thread was affirmation!

 

When it comes to dating, women are their own worst enemies. "Where have all the good men gone" indeed......

[kazen]

I could understand Eternal Sunshine's perspective and why she has her guard up after the second date. If someone sweet talks me too much, I would gag and not take them too serious. I enjoy normal joking conversations. This is just the beginning so see how it goes. Keep us posted.

[rightondude]

this guy is trying in his own way to show you he likes you. But he's apparently too good at doing so and that's raising red flags? And it sounds like he apparently cancelled a date (a weekend date that had probably been planned for awhile) to be with you. Talk about damned if you do, damned if you don't. I understand keeping your guard up, but you build that wall too high and even the good ones will say, "not worth the climb." But hey at least you still got a big beautiful wall.

 

Let me ask you this, overall, how would you prefer he act? Any differently than what he's done thusfar?

[Ruby Slippers]

Isn't it exciting when you meet someone you really like? I think it's normal and natural to get all a-twitter and go into analysis mode when you really like a guy.

 

I don't see any red flags or even orange ones yet. I agree it sounds like he's coming on strong, but I think this is also very normal in our times. Every single man I go out with, no matter how "good" or "cool" or "nice", is gunning to get sexy and romantic from the get-go. I think these days men just feel a lot more comfortable being more open about what they want most of all (sex). We all have our boundary lines, and it will be his job to learn and respect yours.

 

I've also learned that until you have sex, just about any man will do and say all kinds of things to progress toward it. This is the natural unfolding of seduction, his responsibility as a man. I think decent men are genuine in what they say and do, but since they're naturally driven to lock it down, it's natural for them to be their most flowery and seductive up front.

 

From your description in the first post, it sounds like he has broad appeal to women. Of course, these are the men we find most appealing, for obvious reasons, but it brings up other pain points. It makes sense to me that he's "smooth". He's desirable and likely more experienced with women. The alternative is a fumbling guy who's uncertain of himself. While I see the charm of this, I think overall it's better to be with someone who knows what he's doing. It can be "intimidating", but it's also pretty nice.

 

GOOD LUCK!!

[Eternal Sunshine]

UPDATE:

 

You guys are all right. I am trying to chill, but I think it's still good to remain cautious to some extent.

 

I guess the ex talk, every guy I have dated in the last 3 years or so told me absolutely everything about his exes within the first 1-2 dates. But that's probably a sign of poor boundaries

 

So the picnic date was wonderful He went to so much effort with cheese, meats and wine and all these holders for food and stuff he set up. We spent about 5 hours just sitting on a blanket talking, cuddling and kissing. He opened up more and I was wrong in my assumptions. We didn't talk much about exes but he told me that his last relationship ended 7 months ago and it lasted 18 months.

 

He also again did that thing where he told me that he has something to say. He told me that he finds me incredibly interesting, funny, super-smart, sassy, sarcastic, inappropriate (in all the best ways ), sexy and beautiful. That he loves how he feels he can be 100% himself with me and that he can see us together long term. He also told me that I am a fantastic kisser

 

I didn't notice any red flags on this date. He texted me an hour after I got home to tell me that he is missing me already. We texted on and off since. Our next date is set for Wednesday, we are going to the movies. Then he wants to take me to the zoo next weekend (we both love animals and I have never been to the zoo in this city). He also texted that he already told everyone at his work about me

 

Even if I end up heart-broken at the end of this, it feels "real". Chemistry, connection, everything is there. And he seems like a really kind person who appreciates warmth and openness.

 

Date 4 and possibly 5 in the bag

[bene]

Good for you

 

About exes - I would consider it a huge red flag if a guy would talk in detail about his ex(es) on first dates. To me it would sound like he’s either not over his ex or considers me as some kind of chatting buddy, not a woman he is interested in.

Unless there is some crucial information like “I am divorced and have my kids every other week”, I don’t see a need to bring up exes at all but rather be in the present moment with the person infront of you.

[Versacehottie]

Good for you

 

About exes - I would consider it a huge red flag if a guy would talk in detail about his ex(es) on first dates. To me it would sound like he’s either not over his ex or considers me as some kind of chatting buddy, not a woman he is interested in.

Unless there is some crucial information like “I am divorced and have my kids every other week”, I don’t see a need to bring up exes at all but rather be in the present moment with the person infront of you.

 

Exactly! I think the "need" to talk about exes is something from people who have seen too many movies, tv shows or want to be melodramatic and bond over past hurt--what a mistake!! I think it's great that he didn't 'go there'. A lot of girls feel like they need to know as a sign that the guy is opening up to them but there are many other better, positive ways for a guy to open up. If a guy talks about his exes more than a quick, neutral-ish sentence, I would either assume he wasn't over them or had a tendency for drama or wasn't the type to be in a mature headspace about dating.

 

As far as him being a bit over the top on the previous date, I agree with the others and would actually say that he was just following your lead (from the text exchanges). OP was kinda over the top and gushing with him, now he's unappealing because he does the same back??? That doesn't make any sense. Glad ES went on most recent date and had fun and hung in there. Hope it keeps going well. Good luck

[Eternal Sunshine]

This guy is a little bit too "sugary" which gives me a sense of phoniness. He hasn't done anything decidedly negative yet but I wouldn't be surprised if he ghosts after sex or something like that.

 

His texting is very inconsistent. Like one day he texts all day long where the next I barely get 1 text a day. It's just a gut feeling.

 

There is also something else: it's usually simple to find guys on social media but with this guy, I had no luck. He refers to Facebook in conversations so I know he has an account. I reversed searched his mobile phone number and found out his last name. It's very unique and there are no matches on any social media. He obviously changed his name to make it non-searchable. What if he is married or something?

 

Maybe I should ask him for Facebook - but I don't really want to add him at this early stage.

 

I just hate the idea of being played or having my time wasted.

[amaysngrace]

Good Lord....in your head he's now MARRIED??

 

You really need to chill girlfriend. Maybe he didn't get to text because he's busy.

 

Next thing you know you're going to update that he texted and he explained why he was busy.

 

You need to relax and learn to take things slow. What you've done in the past hasn't worked out too well so try doing something new. You know the definition of insanity? Stop.

 

He likes you and you like him. It's awesome!

[No_Go]

It’s probably all good but better safe than sorry: do you know his middle name? The school he graduated from? Birthday? Workplace? You should be able to find him using a combination of the above.

 

This guy is a little bit too "sugary" which gives me a sense of phoniness. He hasn't done anything decidedly negative yet but I wouldn't be surprised if he ghosts after sex or something like that.

 

His texting is very inconsistent. Like one day he texts all day long where the next I barely get 1 text a day. It's just a gut feeling.

 

There is also something else: it's usually simple to find guys on social media but with this guy, I had no luck. He refers to Facebook in conversations so I know he has an account. I reversed searched his mobile phone number and found out his last name. It's very unique and there are no matches on any social media. He obviously changed his name to make it non-searchable. What if he is married or something?

 

Maybe I should ask him for Facebook - but I don't really want to add him at this early stage.

 

I just hate the idea of being played or having my time wasted.

[amaysngrace]

I recommend stop nosing in to who he is via social media altogether and get to know him in person.

 

ES you're being a total buzzkill and don't think that he won't pick up on the shift []

 

Get out of your head girl.

 

Yea sure, better safe than sorry, but sometimes you need to stop thinking so much and just let your heart lead the way.

 

Stop looking for problems that aren't there.

Edited November 6, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Editorial commentary redacted

[divegrl]

I don’t use online dating......

 

But I just find it very odd that you have been on 3 dates with someone and you don’t know their last name? Is this normal?

 

Can you ask him? Otherwise good luck! I hope it works out!!

[Kamille]

 

There is also something else: it's usually simple to find guys on social media but with this guy, I had no luck. He refers to Facebook in conversations so I know he has an account. I reversed searched his mobile phone number and found out his last name. It's very unique and there are no matches on any social media. He obviously changed his name to make it non-searchable. What if he is married or something?

 

 

Or, he changed his name to make it easier for his friends to search it.

 

 

 

That said, if you are feeling such a high level of anxiety, you need to focus on something else. You're not going to feel more secure or less anxious by dedicating energy to "solving" the riddle that is this guy, who's biggest crime so far is 1. Being into you and 2. You being into him too, therefore, very on guard.

 

Could he be the total liar you think he is? Sure. So ****ing what? He could also be a legitimate nice guy. At this point, after 3 dates, what good does it do you to put him on trial? None.

 

Go do something else. Think about something else. Stay balanced. Slow things down if you must by leaving more time between text convos and dates. Do whatever you can to diminish your anxiety.

 

I promise that if he is a lying cheat, you will find out in time. And the best headspace you can be in, whether he is or not, is one where you are relaxed, not anxious. Anxiety will keep you focused on him and make everything worse if your worst fears happen to be true.

Edited November 6, 2017 by Kamille

[carhill]

 

[Eternal Sunshine]

Guys I couldn't hold off.

 

I asked him the following

 

Me: "Hey do you have facebook? I don't need to add you or anything...just curious.."

 

Him: "Yeah, it's the only social media I use but it's full of pics and videos of cats and dogs :lmao:"

 

Me: "Aw that's cute. So how would I find you on there?"

 

Him: "Under a name XY. I already found you ages ago :laugh:" *his last name is a play of letters from his actual last name*

 

Me: "Oh wow, some hot pics on there BTW I had to ask because there are some dishonest people on these apps. You never said or did anything to make me doubt you. It's just that my internet stalking skills suck :p"

 

Him:"Hell, I am definitely single . I don't even have pics of any exes on there so any female you see is a friend. Lucky there are many other qualities that make up for your poor internet stalking skills :p"

 

So we flirt a bit more but....dum dum. He didn't send me a friend request :eek:

 

Do you think that's weird? He has plenty of public stuff and none looks suspicious. I am just used to guys freely trying to add me since date 1.

 

Also do you think he now thinks I am crazy?

[Kamille]

 

I'm glad you asked him! Congrats! it sounds like that conversation went really well.

 

I'm also glad he isn't married . You must really like this guy if your brain is jumping to such dire conclusions from so little information.

 

Now, please listen to all of us here: relax!

 

I feel like you're feeling anxious so you're trying to find something to feel anxious about. That whole conversation went really well and no he doesn't think you're crazy.

 

Now, take a deep breath and let go of the feeling of anxiety.

 

ETA: friend request, you said you didn't need one so it's normal he didn't.

[No_Go]

He doesn't think you're crazy but calm down a bit because you may scare him

 

For FB - I personally would never add someone before 2 or 3 months of steady dating (more likely 6+ months). I also never post pics with bfs, ever. Maybe he's the same way.

 

Guys I couldn't hold off.

 

I asked him the following

 

Me: "Hey do you have facebook? I don't need to add you or anything...just curious.."

 

Him: "Yeah, it's the only social media I use but it's full of pics and videos of cats and dogs :lmao:"

 

Me: "Aw that's cute. So how would I find you on there?"

 

Him: "Under a name XY. I already found you ages ago :laugh:" *his last name is a play of letters from his actual last name*

 

Me: "Oh wow, some hot pics on there BTW I had to ask because there are some dishonest people on these apps. You never said or did anything to make me doubt you. It's just that my internet stalking skills suck :p"

 

Him:"Hell, I am definitely single . I don't even have pics of any exes on there so any female you see is a friend. Lucky there are many other qualities that make up for your poor internet stalking skills :p"

 

So we flirt a bit more but....dum dum. He didn't send me a friend request :eek:

 

Do you think that's weird? He has plenty of public stuff and none looks suspicious. I am just used to guys freely trying to add me since date 1.

 

Also do you think he now thinks I am crazy?