OldRover Posted August 7, 2015 Share Posted August 7, 2015 Very good post. Boundaries have yet to be set.... and for now, sure seems like this is on a collision course. The next step is too soon to tell. Link to post Share on other sites
Author jenny2013 Posted August 10, 2015 Author Share Posted August 10, 2015 I'm actually feeling very secure in my marriage, and not so crushing on my friend. Hooray! Link to post Share on other sites
Author jenny2013 Posted August 12, 2015 Author Share Posted August 12, 2015 Yesterday, I was at a friend's house when he called me. "What are you doing? Can you come help me with a project at school?" I say that I'm at our mutual friends' house. "Have her come too. Bring the kids (hers). I'll take you all out to lunch to say thanks." We go. We help. I can tell that one of the new teachers is kind of questioning why I am there, with him, doing something that is nowhere anywhere within my job description. Then it turns out that my friend and her kids can't go to lunch. So it would have just been the two of us. I suggest that we wait until our other friends can come, and I go out with my husband instead. Not great, but baby steps. Purposeful baby steps. Link to post Share on other sites
kgcolonel Posted August 12, 2015 Share Posted August 12, 2015 Jenny This is a good beginning! Just consider the appearance that the other teacher noticed. If she / he noticed others either will or have already noticed. Part of my earlier post is about HONORING your H you have repeatedly stated. Please please avoid the appearance of anything else. This will have terrible consequences that may not be recoverable in that while your H knows about the "friendship" I don't believe he knows about the phone calls. If he has reason to search and finds undisclosed facts he will believe "where there's smoke there's fire". Just a kind suggestion. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author jenny2013 Posted August 13, 2015 Author Share Posted August 13, 2015 kjcolonel, my husband knows about the phone calls. He called my cell while I was working on the project, and I said "I'm here with x doing this project." I agree that I need to be very careful about what others think/appearances. I have had these conversations with my husband, too. The intricacies/politics of all of it are more complicated than I would post here, but we are all very aware about the implications that a few gossipy people could try to cause. Which is why I came here to try to work this out. I cannot tell a soul in my real life. Not a soul. Especially now that my crushy feelings are waining. I feel like this was and is a good place to work this out. Trying to keep taking those baby steps in the right direction. Link to post Share on other sites
kgcolonel Posted August 13, 2015 Share Posted August 13, 2015 Jenny We are all posting here because we truly care about your M. We don't want to see anyone make mistakes on this thread or any other that will cause pain to themselves or their spouse / SO's. One comment made earlier that tweaked me a bit is related to the wording that may help you in your resolute to steer clear of any inappropriate decisions...you said "Um, that is what I am trying to do. No actions so far." When I think of all the bad situations we read about on this site, if the WS (I didn't mean for it to happen or it just happend etc) had committed to the following approach, many would have been avoided. Just commit that there will be NO touching, personal emails etc. In my personal life when i am communicating with female friends, especially spouses of my male friends, I always copy the husband / SO to eliminate any appearance of shady communication and to send a message to the female friend where I personally stand without any room for variance. How would you feel if you started copying your spouse on your correspondence to help maintain healthy boundries (don't say anything to him that you wouldn't say in front of your beloved husband)? Just a thought to help in the tactical steps . Link to post Share on other sites
Author jenny2013 Posted August 14, 2015 Author Share Posted August 14, 2015 Went out to lunch with him today with two other friends. And... Felt absolutely nothing for him. Nothing. And he could tell. Later at work, he said "you seem really serious today." I think what I was being serious about was my marriage. Link to post Share on other sites
TaraMaiden2 Posted August 14, 2015 Share Posted August 14, 2015 jenny2013 could I suggest you re-read this thread from the first post, taking in every comment made, including yours, those you didn't like, those which resonated.... But read it dispassionately, as if you were reading a magazine article, or mini short story, as if about someone else entirely... This will give you an overview, a running commentary on your progress, and maybe an insight into how this dynamic grew, evolved and came to this point. It would be an interesting observation for you to follow the thread and mark the salient and significant points along the way, to examine what changed when, how, and above all, why.... Then let us in on it..... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
fireflywy Posted August 14, 2015 Share Posted August 14, 2015 Went out to lunch with him today with two other friends. And... Felt absolutely nothing for him. Nothing. And he could tell. Later at work, he said "you seem really serious today." I think what I was being serious about was my marriage. Hmm... This guy is weird. Something about him is just off. I'm sure he'll be calling you in for work outside of your traditional duties to test things. If he does, try and stay dispassionate and then continue to sideline this guy. Ultimately though, I still say its time to cut work ties. *shrug* Good luck. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author jenny2013 Posted August 15, 2015 Author Share Posted August 15, 2015 Thank you Tara. I did just read the whole (ridiculously long!) thread from start to finish. I wish I could pinpoint a moment that something changed, and why. I can tell you the exact moment that it started, and the exact moment it ended. But not WHY it ended. I will try to contemplate that more. If I have a revelation, or even a clue, I'll get back to you. Thanks for your help. Seriously. Link to post Share on other sites
Author jenny2013 Posted August 15, 2015 Author Share Posted August 15, 2015 What I put in my phone's notes last night. In case I start to lapse... Rules No personal emailing at night Only respond to work emails No invitations Remember he lied to you You are not the one he wants Link to post Share on other sites
GollumsNightmare Posted August 16, 2015 Share Posted August 16, 2015 (edited) I am late to this thread. I wish I could have been your cautionary tale even sooner. I commend you for your latest steps. Short version: 1. OW and my H worked together. Our families were entwined through kids activities. I coached her daughter. OW's H coached our son. 2. OW and H developed a friendship that was more than work or family related. 3. Texting began 4. OW confessed feelings to him 5. Off they went on a fairytale "relationship". She called him Prince Charming. She later admitted she wanted him to want her. My H is very good looking. Her H is not. That also played into it, according to her Pinterest quotes I saw later. 6. Within days of confessing "feelings" they are head over heels in a sexual relationship, indulging in completely inappropriate sexual behavior - AT WORK and sadly to say, in our home. 7. Two months pass of grotesque behavior both would later be extremely ashamed of... 8. My spider senses awaken and I am suddenly aware something is happening and I walk in on them IN the act. 9. It nearly kills me. I lost 20 pounds in a matter of one month. My health deteriorates due to the stress. I finally end up in the intensive care unit. 10. My H drops her like a hot potato and begs (in front of her with snot hanging out of his nose) me to stay with him saying she was just an infatuation - what we had was real love. He didnt want her. It was pathetic all around. 11. Family, friends and sadly, our son find out. H's friends are PISSED at him. My friends are pissed. Our son loses a great deal of respect for the dad he worshipped. 12. We spend almost two years reconciling - working our asses off to save our marriage. We are in a good place now. We have loving friends and family that have cheered us on all the way. 13. We are happy. We have made a complete change in our marriage and are happier than ever before but it has been a grueling, grueling effing painful process. 14. The OW is still in her crappy marriage. Her H does not know. I made the decision not to out them to him. He is a hothead. He is also a big hunter with lots of guns around. I did not want to put my family at risk from him. 15. The last i read, she is still mourning her lost relationship with my H via Pinterest. 16. H recently took a Polygraph that proved he has indeed had no further contact with OW in the last two years. That went a long way in furthering our reconciliation. 17. OW eventually quit her job - but not before outing my H to his boss of 27 years putting our livlihood, our retirement, our insurance, our home and everything we have worked for our entire marriage in jeopardy. Luckily, his boss is a very forgiving man, but he lost a great deal of respect for my H which hurt deeply. ALL because she had to "confess her feelings" because she wanted him to want her. Absolutely true story. Don't. Just don't. Let us be your cautionary tale. Edited August 16, 2015 by GollumsNightmare 6 Link to post Share on other sites
GollumsNightmare Posted August 16, 2015 Share Posted August 16, 2015 In the interest of full disclosure, i was an OW in my early 20s. I knew the MMs wife. I liked her. I honestly didnt think about her much - not until later. The MM was older. I was not his first rodeo. He groomed me for the affair and I jumped right in because I loved feeling wanted and appreciated. Our marriage at the time was going through the first stretch of difficulties and MM was an escape, a diversion. I am not blaming the MM. I made my mistakes and I own them. It ended when they moved away. Later i learned I was just one of many and I felt really stupid. I also felt tremendous guilt FOR 26 YEARS for what I had done for a few months way back in my early 20s. I literally felt guilt every day of my life. It was awful, My H never found out until I confessed during our counseling from his A. It helped me understand his A a little. But, it didnt take the hurt away from either of us. Dont be us. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author jenny2013 Posted August 18, 2015 Author Share Posted August 18, 2015 Thanks, gollumsnightmare for sharing your story. I am sorry you had to go through all of that, and am glad to hear that you have worked it out. The trauma you dealt with was just was I was trying to avoid. Being back at work with my friend, it's amazing how the feelings that I had for him are just gone. Completely gone. I like him, it's nice to see him, but nothing special. I purposefully go by him without saying hi. Not to be rude, but he is busy, and I'm going to work. Whereas I never would have done that before. The brain is such a weird and complicated thing. He can tell the shift in me. Today, "I would have said something different (meaning using a swear word) if I was in your backyard." Tonight by email at 10 pm "You are one of a kind." I could see him seeking me out this morning, when I was in a different classroom. I feel like I am doing a great job staying strong here, and you guys are really helping me. So thank you again. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
TaraMaiden2 Posted August 18, 2015 Share Posted August 18, 2015 Rub, rub, rub, a dirty brass ornament enough, and eventually, the shine HAS to come through.... Link to post Share on other sites
fireflywy Posted August 18, 2015 Share Posted August 18, 2015 (edited) Rub, rub, rub, a dirty brass ornament enough, and eventually, the shine HAS to come through.... Tara can't respond to your pm on a different matter.. Edited August 18, 2015 by fireflywy Link to post Share on other sites
TaraMaiden2 Posted August 19, 2015 Share Posted August 19, 2015 Tara can't respond to your pm on a different matter.. Try now. Changed settings..... Link to post Share on other sites
GollumsNightmare Posted August 19, 2015 Share Posted August 19, 2015 How are you doing, Jenny2013? Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted August 19, 2015 Share Posted August 19, 2015 I I think what I want is for an unattainable person to want me. For him to pick me above all the others. Why do you need this type of attention when you are already married? Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted August 19, 2015 Share Posted August 19, 2015 Sorry Jenny I just read post #139 and see you are over it. Good for you and keep up the good work. Link to post Share on other sites
Author jenny2013 Posted August 20, 2015 Author Share Posted August 20, 2015 Thanks for asking GollumsNightmare. Doing really well. I was at a park by our school last night having a drink with some of my girlfriends when he saw us and came over. I said hi, made small talk and talked to my other friends. Baby steps. Baby steps. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
GollumsNightmare Posted August 20, 2015 Share Posted August 20, 2015 Ten characters 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author jenny2013 Posted August 23, 2015 Author Share Posted August 23, 2015 Last night, I arrived at a work party just as he was leaving (purposefully tried to miss him being there). And he hugged me. Which if you've read through the 9 gazillion posts here, is something he hasn't done in months. I'm going to take that as a sign that he's definitely seeing the shift in me - that I'm keeping my distance. Going to keep making those baby steps in the right direction. Link to post Share on other sites
DKT3 Posted August 23, 2015 Share Posted August 23, 2015 Last night, I arrived at a work party just as he was leaving (purposefully tried to miss him being there). And he hugged me. Which if you've read through the 9 gazillion posts here, is something he hasn't done in months. I'm going to take that as a sign that he's definitely seeing the shift in me - that I'm keeping my distance. Going to keep making those baby steps in the right direction. Allowing him to be physical isn't a baby step in the right direction. Why not avoid the hug? Is there a part of you that is enjoying the "chase" ? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
TaraMaiden2 Posted August 23, 2015 Share Posted August 23, 2015 (edited) Allowing him to be physical isn't a baby step in the right direction. Why not avoid the hug? Is there a part of you that is enjoying the "chase" ? Hold on a minute. Give the gal a cotton-pickin' break here.... Frankly, I think she's making all the right moves and doing all the right things. But she cannot revolutionise the change in others. bear in mind these people live close to one another, are social friends, work together and interact as families. To start behaving in an alien, unfamiliar - not to say distinctly unfriendly - way, is going to ring more alarm bells than just going with the flow, but maintaining an air of detachment. It's an extremely familiar account. When someone 'pulls away' emotionally, the other is drawn in, out of curiosity and subconsciously attempts to 'redress the balance'. She subconsciously pushed for flirtation, engagement and meaning before, and hinted at a frisson, a connection, an attraction and desire. He seemed oblivious, unresponsive, unconscious and unaware. This, to her, was a one-sided emotional affair: Hers, but not his. Well surprise, surprise. Look what's happening: She now ceases that kind of behaviour. She no longer engages in that little mind-cuddle, the little looks, gestures, body-language messages we none of us can ignore (even if consciously, we claim we are unable to interpret them, we still 'connect' with them, because body language is primal and very much a part of communication) and what's the effect? He notices her withdrawal and simply ups the ante from his end. He actually misses the attention. So don't anyone ever try to tell me that his male ego was unaware, unconscious and unresponsive. She did enough previously to stroke his ego and make him feel adored, adulated and desired. He "ignored" the signals, did not rise to the temptation, and seemed inured and unaffected. (Yeah... right. like any male is going to miss THOSE signals.... ) She's now refrained from connecting with him, and has changed her behaviour 180. He can't HELP but to try to pull it back, because, guess what? Even if he was never going to reciprocate fully, or ever get involved to the extension of, or with the intention of ever ramping this up to an actual affair - he misses what used to happen. So now, he's the one behaving in the covert, flirtatious, affectionate way, because he wants to 're-stabilise' the "relationship". (I couldn't think of any other way to put a name to what went on.... any connection with another human being, is a type or variety of 'relationship'....) The Boot - is on the other foot. And yes, while I honestly believe that for her to completely change her attitude by refusing to engage with him, would create unnecessary confusion, I think you, jenny2013 need to maintain, stabilise and establish this "distance" on an ongoing basis, and make sure you don't get pulled back in. Because if you do, he then will pull back, and let you fan the embers, and stroke his ego, like before. it will be a bit like push-me-pull-you.... Edited August 23, 2015 by TaraMaiden2 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts