sigh. crush on married friend/boss

[TaraMaiden2]

You said yourself: You don't NEED to work.

So don't.

Find another job that could take you away from your environment. Something different, challenging.

Diversify.

You're in a bad situation: Nothing is written in stone that says you have to stay there.

Leave of your own accord and branch out into doing something different, independently.

 

You have to consider how much of what you have said, is obligation, and how much is choice.

Because part of you is enjoying this.

 

And that 'part' of you is preventing you from making sound and logical decisions.

[jenny2013]

Taramaiden2, you are so right. I do not want to wreck my family. Or theirs.

[IfWishesWereHorses]

They call it the slippery slope fora reason. You keep edging forward until you're in to far! The push pull, wondering if he has the same feelings, day dreaming, wanting him to want you is called limerence. It gets your feel good synapses fired up and can be much like a high. Unfortunately you'll keep going further to get it. Do not talk about your feelings, that's a quick trip over that slope. Recognize it for what it is and keep yourself in check. Find something else, you don't want to mess up two families over a physiological reaction. It's not magic, it's not love, take control of the situation ASAP. Telling your spouse would most likely take the fantasy out of it. Good luck!

[d0nnivain]

I feel like I need to clarify my original post.

 

By small crush which I think is OK, is that from afar one person, we'll use the OP, sits back, looks at the crush, here her boss, & thinks Gee he's sexy/cute/nice whatever & perhaps daydreams once or twice about what it would be like.

 

There is no gift giving. The spouse does not get foresaken in favor of spending time with the crush. All interactions with the crush are above board, proper work related contacts with perhaps some politeness thrown in-- "How was your weekend?"

 

When one spouse starts spending more non-work time or a deeper emotional investment into somebody else, that is when the problems start.

 

OP / jenny2013, since you haven't crossed the line yet, set some distance in your interactions with your boss. Do not be alone with him. Keep all conversations professional. Walk the dog at a different time of day to avoid him. Consider looking for a new job. If you want to keep your marriage work to put DH first.

[jenny2013]

Taramaiden2, you are right. I do enjoy his attention.

 

I do need to clarify one thing though. First and foremost, he is/was my friend first. The boss thing is just a complicating factor.

 

He texted me multiple times today, but I didn't see him. I am sure I'll see him tomorrow, and definitley over the weekend.

 

He is coming to an event with me and my husband. See how I think that we purposefully put our spouses in between us as a barrier? UGH.

[CarrieT]

I love my husband. He is my best friend. I never want to hurt him.

Most people are able to confide in their best friend.

 

Confide in your best friend - if it is your husband - that you are having these feelings.

 

Bring them out in the open and they will diminish.

[TaraMaiden2]

Taramaiden2, you are right. I do enjoy his attention.

 

I do need to clarify one thing though. First and foremost, he is/was my friend first. The boss thing is just a complicating factor.

 

It's actually not complicated at all. As I said, you mentioned that you didn't NEED to work.

So, find something else, then resign.

Do it. Cut the ties that bind...

 

He texted me multiple times today, but I didn't see him. I am sure I'll see him tomorrow, and definitley over the weekend.

 

Did you reply multiple times....?

 

He is coming to an event with me and my husband. See how I think that we purposefully put our spouses in between us as a barrier? UGH.

This is also known as 'prolonging the agony'. The more you persist in using these mechanisms as an artifice for separating yourself from him, the less you will actually be sufficiently motivated to put the plan of separation into action.While you can do things like this, you believe yourself to be safe.

It's just a means of avoiding the issue.

[fireflywy]

I guess that is the problem. He is one of my best friends.

 

He sat with me the other day and apologized for burping and his bad breath. He's comfortable enough with me to politely burp? I'm not at all thinking he's perfect.

 

I know he isn't. There is no hero/boss factor really going on here.

 

Although the boss/friend thing complicates things.

 

Just a friend, who I like, who I think likes me. Which is not ok. Because we are married and are friends.

 

Sorry. He can't be ANYTHING to you anymore. CUT. HIM. OUT.

 

As far as the event goes,.its time to talk to your husband and cancel those plans.

 

This guy needs to be banished from your life. Quit your job. Establish your boundaries.

 

Don't act like you're HELPLESS.

 

YOU'RE NOT.

Edited July 24, 2015 by fireflywy

[jenny2013]

CarrieT, I tell my husband everything. But not this. I don't think it would be a huge surprise to him, but I'm not going there yet. He would make me quit my job for sure, and it would be devestating to my friends career.

 

Tara, I'm totally prolonging the agony. It's one of those "hey I can innocently hang out with my friend because my husband is here" things. It's already happened once - all three of us went to something together but I ended up hanging out with my friend and having an amazing/soul bearing conversation. CRAP.

[jenny2013]

Oh, and Tara, I didn't reply to his texts yesterday at all, and only to one today where he asked a question about my husband.

[TaraMaiden2]

CarrieT, I tell my husband everything. But not this. I don't think it would be a huge surprise to him, but I'm not going there yet. He would make me quit my job for sure,

...Which is what you should do anyway...

 

and it would be devestating to my friends career.

Sadly, that is neither YOUR responsibility, nor concern. You HAVE to do this for the sake of your marriage.

 

Tara, I'm totally prolonging the agony. It's one of those "hey I can innocently hang out with my friend because my husband is here" things. It's already happened once - all three of us went to something together but I ended up hanging out with my friend and having an amazing/soul bearing conversation. CRAP.

I know, I can see it miles off.

The problem is, so can you.

I can't do this FOR you, you know....

[jenny2013]

Tara, I totally thought you were going to come over and fix this for me.

 

This is why I am talking about this here. I recognize that I am thinking and behaving improperly, and don;t want to make things worse. I have a minor in psychology, and am kind of fascinated by my own thoughts right now. I've been happily married for 20+ years, and don't really understand why this has happened all of a sudden.

 

Mid life crisis? Want to get something I can't have? Lonely and appreciate some attention?

 

I truly am in love with my husband, he is my best friend and we have an amazing sex life. That's why I don't get why I am infatuated with my friend. I can't logically wrap my head around it.

[fireflywy]

Tara, I totally thought you were going to come over and fix this for me.

 

This is why I am talking about this here. I recognize that I am thinking and behaving improperly, and don;t want to make things worse. I have a minor in psychology, and am kind of fascinated by my own thoughts right now. I've been happily married for 20+ years, and don't really understand why this has happened all of a sudden.

 

Mid life crisis? Want to get something I can't have? Lonely and appreciate some attention?

 

I truly am in love with my husband, he is my best friend and we have an amazing sex life. That's why I don't get why I am infatuated with my friend. I can't logically wrap my head around it.

 

I'm going to sound rough when I say this, but are you SURE you came here for help?

 

Everyone is telling you to cut this guy off as your first move but you're still sitting here asking questions about why you feel the way you do. No one here can EVER answer that beyond what has already been said and/or suggested.

 

Do you want to save your marriage or not? The ONLY way to save this in the immediate future is not to sit here and keep asking the why's because asking the why's sounds like you're trying to have your cake and eat it too. (boss, friendship, job, and husband) You don't have that option anymore. You will NEVER be satisfied until you cut one of these dogs from your tree because you can't tie both of them there.

 

You can analyze stuff LATER with your husband without the background noise of this other guy.

 

So, now, it's go time. Are you going to sit and there save your marriage by cutting out this source of temptation (you won't EVER find the answers to why when you're clouded with communication from this other jackass) or are you going to continue to flounder and act like someone with absolutely NO control or respect for their husband (because that's what you're doing by holding on to having this other man in your life in ANY capacity).

 

Sorry for the rough talk, but the Humpty Dumpty of all of this is broken and can't EVER be put back together again. So either get to fighting for your MARRIAGE for goodness sakes or get away.

Edited July 24, 2015 by fireflywy

[jenny2013]

Fireflywy, a little harsh, but we are cool.

 

Unless I move out of my town, there is NO WAY I can't see him. I can quit my job, not respond to his texts/emails/phone calls, etc. It wouldn't matter.

 

He lives around the corner from me and our kids go to school together. And he probably doesn't even like me anyway. I am just a friend to him.

 

Other than awkward interactions and feelings on my part, nothing has happened.

 

I really am trying to figure out why in what for all intenets and purposes is a perfect marraige, I'd have thoughts about anyone else.

[fireflywy]

Fireflywy, a little harsh, but we are cool.

 

Unless I move out of my town, there is NO WAY I can't see him. I can quit my job, not respond to his texts/emails/phone calls, etc. It wouldn't matter.

 

He lives around the corner from me and our kids go to school together. And he probably doesn't even like me anyway. I am just a friend to him.

 

Other than awkward interactions and feelings on my part, nothing has happened.

 

I really am trying to figure out why in what for all intenets and purposes is a perfect marraige, I'd have thoughts about anyone else.

 

Well, then you cut him out as much as possible. You still quit your job. You go cold on him. Doing that WILL matter. It may not seem like it, but it will. It will certainly cut off the source and quiet your questions about the meaning of your interactions.

 

It sucks, but you need to turn him off. That's job one. Job two, is when your husband asks why you don't want to do A, B, C, you have to level with him and be honest. Maybe in talking to him you'll figure this whole thing out.

 

You have to face the paradox. It's only THEN that something will happen. Here is a passage from a book I'm reading.

 

"People come to the consulting room and lay out a collision of values with great embarrassment and agony. They want resolution but would have something even greater if they could ask for the consciousness to bear the paradox. A friend went to her hour with a Dr. Meyer in Zurich who was famous for commenting with the single word "ja" to anything he was told. In good English style my friend bravely laid out the complexity of her life. She burst into tears and cried out that she could stand it no longer. "Ja, gut," replied Dr. Meyer. "Now something will happen." This is stark medicine but it is correct for one who has the strength to bear it. When the unstoppable bullet hits the impenetrable wall, we find the religious experience (referring to learning from a paradox and then finding your true self). It is precisely here that one will grow. Jung once said, 'Find out what a person fears most and that is where he will develop next.' The ego is fashioned like the metal between the hammer and the anvil. This is for the brave and one does not easily easily find a moral or ethical nature strong enough for the process. Heroism could be redefined for our time as the ability to stand paradox."

[jenny2013]

Thank you for that fireflywy. I may have a crush on you now.

[TaraMaiden2]

Tara, I totally thought you were going to come over and fix this for me.

Well, I might offer a suggestion....

 

 

.... I truly am in love with my husband, he is my best friend and we have an amazing sex life. That's why I don't get why I am infatuated with my friend. I can't logically wrap my head around it.

 

Buddhism may venture to suggest that perhaps, in a previous existence, your two 'Consciousnesses' were inextricably linked by a romantic connection.

You may HAVE been lovers in the past. It's possible you were intimately involved...

 

You might have been the male, or perhaps you were even swans or creatures which mate for life....you may even have been a rider and his horse (I kid you not... in some societal groups, special bonds and 'relationships' form between a 'work-animal' and its handler....)

 

This is pure conjecture, but Buddhism does not discount such a phenomenon or dismiss it out of hand...

 

It's a possibility.

 

There you go.

[stillafool]

 

 

I think what I want is for an unattainable person to want me. For him to pick me above all the others.

 

 

 

Why is this important to you? Didn't your husband pick you above all the others? Is that not good enough so now you want your friends husband.

[d0nnivain]

At the very least keep the spousal barriers firmly in place between you two.

[jenny2013]

So today....

 

At the neighborhood place with my friend when he shows up. The three of us (my girlfriend, me and him) have a beer. My girlfriend is the only one who has kids with her, so leaves us alone for a while.

 

Where we talk about another couple that we know who is cheating on each other and getting divorced. We both discuss how if you would cheat, you'd have to break up with the other person first. We both agree on this.

 

This all made me feel much stronger into our friendship and shared values and not so much the crush. Just that he is a good friend and a good man that I like. Phew.

[TaraMaiden2]

Bullsh*t.

 

Every single person in a marriage you talk to, will say the same thing.

However, the majority of people who would say that, are then the same people who succumb to temptation and cheat.

 

Of course people are going to say that...!

 

Everyone has noble intentions.

 

you know what they say about 'The Road to Hell...'

[fireflywy]

Bullsh*t.

 

Every single person in a marriage you talk to, will say the same thing.

However, the majority of people who would say that, are then the same people who succumb to temptation and cheat.

 

Of course people are going to say that...!

 

Everyone has noble intentions.

 

you know what they say about 'The Road to Hell...'

 

This. Perfect.

 

As an outsider looking in, if they are having these conversations now and are still in contact with each other, this looks more and more like the road that will be traveled.

 

To the OP, you should probably let your husband go now because you just WON'T quit this guy.

[jenny2013]

This. Perfect.

 

As an outsider looking in, if they are having these conversations now and are still in contact with each other, this looks more and more like the road that will be traveled.

 

To the OP, you should probably let your husband go now because you just WON'T quit this guy.

 

I don't even know if he likes me.

[jenny2013]

Bullsh*t.

 

Every single person in a marriage you talk to, will say the same thing.

However, the majority of people who would say that, are then the same people who succumb to temptation and cheat.

 

Of course people are going to say that...!

 

Everyone has noble intentions.

 

you know what they say about 'The Road to Hell...'

 

And because every single person would say this means I'll cheat? Nice jumping to conclusions. I'm trying to figure out my feelings. Not act on them, thank you very much.

[fireflywy]

I don't even know if he likes me.

 

Its not about HIM. Look at the title of your thread. You are a MARRIED woman with a CRUSH on another man. YOU like him.

 

If you look at this forum you will see thousands of posts where people finally lose or move beyond long held feelings or confusion they have for someone when they finally move on from their interactions with them.

 

You are developing an emotional affair (aka your word crush and your enjoyment of his attention) with a man OUTSIDE of your marriage. Imagine how your husband would feel. Deep down, you know you shouldn't be doing this and yet YOU keep on keeping on.

 

Do you really think that you're being a good spouse? Maybe some will say you are because, after all, you haven't gone physical yet, but the simple fact YOU still maintain ANY connection with this guy you have a crush on is going off the marriage reservation.

 

Also, don't say that "he just showed up" and that you and he talked. When your friend excused herself, you should have done the same. PERIOD. Do not pass "Go" Do not collect $200.

 

Its now YOUR responsibility to shut this down.

 

The more I read, the more I feel bad for your husband.

 

Sorry I have to be rough, I truly am, but you know what you're doing. Think about it.

 

P.S. You should come clean with your husband. If you won't stop this path, then perhaps HE will and you can save things.

Edited July 25, 2015 by fireflywy