sigh. crush on married friend/boss

[jenny2013]

My husband knows all about our friendship, just not my feelings for him (which I think he kind of suspects). But no one is acting on anything - what I came here for was some help with figuring out WHY I have these feelings for another man. When I am so in love with my husband.

[fireflywy]

My husband knows all about our friendship, just not my feelings for him (which I think he kind of suspects). But no one is acting on anything - what I came here for was some help with figuring out WHY I have these feelings for another man. When I am so in love with my husband.

 

None of us can tell you that for sure. But what we can and HAVE told you is that being around him doesn't help you on iota. Work on that first out of respect (unless the reason you have thoughts about this other guy comes down to simply not having enough respect).

 

Shrug.

 

Once again, quit trying to figure it out so you can have your cake and eat it too which is what its beginning to sound like.

 

Anyway, I'm done here. I wish your marriage the best of luck.

[TaraMaiden2]

And because every single person would say this means I'll cheat? Nice jumping to conclusions. I'm trying to figure out my feelings. Not act on them, thank you very much.

 

That's not what I said. So please don't throw a paddy and twist my words.

I am suggesting that EVERYONE deplores cheating and condemns it, and recommends discussion and dialogue rather than cheat - before they've done it.

 

Nobody in their right minds would say that it's better to cheat rather than communicate. It's simple human logic.

 

Look: You began this thread and as fireflywy has said, the only person who can seriously work out WHY you feel this way, is you.

But you're just not 'getting it'.

 

So here's an attempt at a diagnosis:

 

The reason you have decided to NOT follow through on all the advice - is because you LOVE the situation.

 

You crave the frisson it gives you and the possible danger you are skirting.

It's fun, it's wrought with risk, and it alleviates the boredom of an otherwise boring 9 - 5 humdrum life that millions and millions of people live, day in, day out.

 

It's the salt to your salad.

It's the ketchup on your hotdog.

It's the relish on your burger and the crispy coating on your chicken.

 

It adds something your life would otherwise lack.

It adds spice.

 

There's your 'why'.

 

However, the 'why' is utterly and totally insignificant and unimportant against the fact that YOU are having these thoughts in the first place.

The why' pales into insignificance, compared to the 'what' you should be doing.

 

And throughout the thread you have diligently deflected all advice, by certainly agreeing it would be the best thing to 'do' - but deciding to NOT do it.

 

I've given you the why.

Cheap thrills.

 

Now, WHAT - are you going to do about it.....?

[Southern Sun]

I am the one that took "feelings" for my married friend/boss too far.

 

I had known him as a boss/mentor/friend for 14 years before things began to develop in a different way.

 

There was a new evolution, friendlier emails, texting, subtle flirting, which I initially didn't recognize.

 

One day it went a little too far, we had The Talk, I fought it for weeks, but then caved to his persuasion and my own intrigue.

 

I spent the next year in absolute confusion, misery, and anxiety, until my husband became suspicious, confronted me, and I confessed. To say he was devastated would be an understatement.

 

I quit my job, ended my career, and am still trying to hang on to my marriage.

 

I hope you stop this before it goes one step further. You should completely distance yourself from your boss; even better, quit your job. It seems dramatic but that's where you are, unfortunately.

[Noideanow]

you say you are in love with your husband, is he in love with you (not just words but actions/vibes/passion/feelings like you have with the other man)? in case not i really hope you find those missing things and the other man does too:love: be wise be honest follow your heart:love:

[fireflywy]

you say you are in love with your husband, is he in love with you (not just words but actions/vibes/passion/feelings like you have with the other man)? in case not i really hope you find those missing things and the other man does too:love: be wise be honest follow your heart

 

Some great things to consider.

 

However

 

Follow your VOWS first and never violate those WHILE married. Figure out things away from this guy and then if you decide your husband isn't what you want THEN follow your heart AFTER you let him go. Sometimes our "heart" is not really our heart but a temporary mixture of excitement, lust, and poor judgment.

 

Follow your VOWS aka love, honor, cherish, RESPECT, your husband first. This is a marriage to what you describe as good, decent, man. This isn't an impulsive fast food choice.

Edited July 26, 2015 by fireflywy

[stillafool]

I have to agree that when your friend left the group to care for her kids you should have left also instead of chatting up her husband about nonsense that you both know already. You said you came here to try to figure out why you have feelings for your friends husband when you are in love with your husband. No one here knows that. You and your husband are the ones who have to come up with that answer. You should reveal your crush to him and the two of you figure out why this happened. Maybe you two need marital counseling, who knows. One thing is for sure you need to stop all contact with your friends husband because you two are inappropriate.

[TaraMaiden2]

I have to agree that when your friend left the group to care for her kids you should have left also instead of chatting up her husband about nonsense that you both know already. You said you came here to try to figure out why you have feelings for your friends husband when you are in love with your husband. No one here knows that. You and your husband are the ones who have to come up with that answer. You should reveal your crush to him and the two of you figure out why this happened. Maybe you two need marital counseling, who knows. One thing is for sure you need to stop all contact with your friends husband because you two are inappropriate.

 

I don't think the friend with the children, is the guy's wife... I think it was a girl friend, with her children, this guy, and the OP.

 

Otherwise, your post is 100%....

[jenny2013]

I am sorry, but feeling really judged here.

 

I have done nothing wrong other than try to figure out my feelings. And to try not act on them inappropriately.

[fireflywy]

I am sorry, but feeling really judged here.

 

I have done nothing wrong other than try to figure out my feelings. And to try not act on them inappropriately.

 

Instead of defending yourself (sorry you're feeling judged but a lot of us are seeing warnings written on the wall) What are you going to DO about it?

 

As for judgment, that's going to happen either here or your life. Were this to be known and I can guarantee you that many of your real life friends will ask you the same thing "WTF do you think you're doing? Cut ties!"

 

So once again, what are you going to do here? Let's start there and pretend you can't have your cake and eat it too (you said yourself your husband is seeing it and pretty damn soon you're going to begin hurting him with this in contact with the Other male stuff so yeah, you ARE doing something wrong if he is beginning to have his questions).

 

P.S. Get yourself to a marriage counselor.

Edited July 27, 2015 by fireflywy

[TaraMaiden2]

I am sorry, but feeling really judged here.

Well I'm sorry you're feeling judged, but our frustration at your apparent inability or reluctance to listen to our warnings about the dangerous territory you are negotiating, is palpable.

 

I have done nothing wrong other than try to figure out my feelings.

Of course you've done something 'wrong'! You have permitted the inappropriate feelings and emotions to dominate your thinking, and seem to have done nothing to bring them into check, or process them to end them.

As I have suggested, you like this situation (you agreed) it's feeding your ego (which is naturally enjoyable) and it relieves the boredom of the mundane (which is obvious. It gives you something to 'attach' to and cultivate to make your days emotionally interesting).

This is how it felt when you first fell in love with your husband.

Exciting, new and adventurous.

 

And to try not act on them inappropriately.

Just finding yourself writing this should sound alarm bells, wave warning flags and give you the heebie-jeebies.

The fact that you admit that you are 'trying to not act on them inappropriately' means your thoughts, desires and fantasies have already entered the realm of 'what if' "cheating". Don't you see that?

 

We have all tried to give you sound, workable suggestions on how to distance yourself from this man, the primary one being to leave your job, and find something else, elsewhere.

You agreed this would be best.

You agreed you didn't need to work.

You agreed that you were prolonging the agony by being round him.

Yet you're still dressing well, putting on your make up and thinking about what he will think of you looking like that, when you get into work....

 

Am I right? Really, I'm asking.

 

because if there's any hint of a 'yes' there, even the remotest one....

 

Boy, are you getting in way over your head....

[jenny2013]

Of course logically I know you are right Tara.

 

I am in super dangerous territory. Luckily I think it's one sided on my part, and starting to subside.

[Southern Sun]

Of course logically I know you are right Tara.

 

I am in super dangerous territory. Luckily I think it's one sided on my part, and starting to subside.

 

I was trying to help you by telling you exactly what happened to me when it went too far...I have been where you are and I wish I had stopped it when I had the chance.

 

If you want to PM, I'd be glad to discuss privately. It is a very, very difficult and scary place to be.

[jenny2013]

Thanks Southern Sun.

 

He was just here at my house for a beer to talk about work stuff. No touching, nothing inappropriate.

 

I suck at no contact.

[fireflywy]

n

Thanks Southern Sun.

 

He was just here at my house for a beer to talk about work stuff. No touching, nothing inappropriate.

 

I suck at no contact.

 

Why? Why is he now at your and your HUSBAND'S HOUSE? You can't talk about work stuff at work?

 

SMH.

 

This is going to spiral unless you pull up.

 

 

YOU have the control but it sounds like you just don't care to listen anymore. Are you trying to find one of us here to take you, hug you and say "There, there Jenny2013. You can keep doing this. Don't worry about respect or lessening temptation."?

 

Get to a marriage counselor already.

 

You are playing with FIRE here and you just won't quit this guy.

 

I hope your husband finds out soon so he can put a lid on this stuff and/or gives you an ultimatum because its only getting worse regardless of what you're saying.

Edited July 28, 2015 by fireflywy

[jenny2013]

We work at a school so he is back for the beginning of the year administrative stuff, and I'm not back to work yet. I know - to make it even worse. I would have been alone with him at the school, or alone here.

 

I know that none of it is good.

 

I see why you are annoyed with me fireflywy. I am annoyed with me too. I truly do take into account what you are saying.

[CarrieT]

Jenny, tell your husband.

 

Seriously! As soon as you bring your feelings out in the open - whether or not they are reciprocated - they will get diffused immediately.

[fireflywy]

S

Jenny, tell your husband.

 

Seriously! As soon as you bring your feelings out in the open - whether or not they are reciprocated - they will get diffused immediately.

 

Jenny, she's right. Try this.

 

As for being frustrated with you, I don't know you but all it takes is a simple act of will to lessen encounters. I know you say its hard or that you're not good at no contact but the truth is that will always be the case until you take active effort and put in the work. You're BETTER then this.

 

I don't know what's going on, but I do know we live in a world where the forbidden is seen as exciting. Our movies and books romanticize billionaire sadists, we worship the body instead of the spirit and character, and we live in a world where things are about our OWN selfish desires and need for attention. For what? So we can sit in old folks home reminiscing about all the people we got randy with at the expense of a trail of broken hearts we left behind us for our own vanity?

 

The truth is, this rabbit hole is a destructive path to a personal hell as people destroy themselves and those who love them in pursuit of all this bull****.

 

I don't know what's going on in your head, but don't follow that path. You are a WOMAN aware of what's at stake. You DO have control but you have to quit denying that you do.

 

Why are you risking this?

 

It's time to tell your husband as Carrie suggested.

Edited July 28, 2015 by fireflywy

[jenny2013]

Fireflywy, obvs you don't know me. But I take the "you are better than this" advice much better than the "you are a disaster" advice. Because I'm aware I'm a disaster.

 

I've never been into the forbidden. Ever before this.

[jenny2013]

Jenny, tell your husband.

 

Seriously! As soon as you bring your feelings out in the open - whether or not they are reciprocated - they will get diffused immediately.

 

There is no way.

[TaraMaiden2]

There is no way.

 

Why? You said yourself you think he suspects.... so would it be a major revelation to him?

You haven't actually put anything into action, and as far as you can determine, this is more one-sided than reciprocated....

 

*sigh*......

 

And so this will continue....

[fireflywy]

Fireflywy, obvs you don't know me. But I take the "you are better than this" advice much better than the "you are a disaster" advice. Because I'm aware I'm a disaster.

 

I've never been into the forbidden. Ever before this.

 

Well, i dont know what you're attracted to and as said before, your interactions, coupled with the awareness of your attraction to this idiot, are definitely going off the marriage reservation with forbidden attributes. As for fornidden fantasies and alll, I wasn't saying you were I was just throwing it out there. Cultural currents have strong influences on fantasies and actions and you WERE looking for possible explanations.

 

Also, I'm not trying to say that you are a disaster but your actions are becoming disasterous.

 

Sit and imagine for a while what an encounter with your boss would be like. Really run it in your head. Is it worth it? Is living in the aftermath worth it? Is all of the drama, the lies, suspicion, hiding, hours stolen, rumors at work and about town, your self respect, worth it? Is destroying two people and harming them FOREVERMORE worth it?

 

That right there should make you gag and choke.

 

Now, all I hear from you are two things:

 

1. Your continued interactions and excuses for them

2. Your defensiveness to comments here

 

Not once have we heard about a plan of action. Are you, like in real life with this guy, just here for attention?

 

Answer that question already. We've already told you how to pull up and save your marriage in regards to this but you obviously dont care to do whats required which is making me wonder if you REALLY care about your husband. Another wouldn't even HESITATE once the road was shown to them. If you don't, fine, but be honest at least as a first step.

 

What are you going to do?

 

If you're going to quit your job, tell us.

If you're going to tell your husband, let us help.

If you're going to batten the hatches and ride into the hellstorm by keeping this idiot, tell us that too so we can try and help you when your world capsizes.

 

What are you going to do?

Edited July 28, 2015 by fireflywy

[jenny2013]

I am not here for attention. My plan is to not act on my feelings, and try to work through them.

 

I do not plan to quit my job, as I have a contract and my work really makes me happy.

 

I'm not going to tell my husband. I'm trying to work this out on my own. Telling him would devestate him.

 

And have I said a thousand times, I don't even know if my friend wants me.

[fireflywy]

And I want to say, YOU ARE NOT A DISASTER. I understand that you're confused.

 

The fact that you are here means you are attempting to reach out and sort through this which IS commendable and to be praised.

 

But as has been said before, you aren't going to sort this out because you're too close to it and we, those of us here, will never be able to sort it out for you beyond offering you shadows and potential why's.

 

It is going to have to come from you and its going to take a LOT more effort then simply thinking things through. The center, as it currently sits, cannot hold.

 

You say you love your husband, so if you need a lighthouse, swim that way. Its going to take work to swim there, but you CAN do it once you begin to stroke that way.

[fireflywy]

I am not here for attention. My plan is to not act on my feelings, and try to work through them.

 

I do not plan to quit my job, as I have a contract and my work really makes me happy.

 

I'm not going to tell my husband. I'm trying to work this out on my own. Telling him would devestate him.

And have I said a thousand times, I don't even know if my friend wants me.

And if he did? What would you do? Can you answer that?

 

P.S. After all of this drama and angst over your boss, i can tell you that your job probably isn't the most conducive to your happiness.

Edited July 28, 2015 by fireflywy