sigh. crush on married friend/boss

[jenny2013]

Yeah, that's the problem. If he did, I might.

 

I've been in a situatuion in college where my friend kissed me, and we were both instantly turned off.

 

I'd never instigate physical contact. But honestly might kiss him back. Sigh....

[fireflywy]

Yeah, that's the problem. If he did, I might.

 

I've been in a situatuion in college where my friend kissed me, and we were both instantly turned off.

 

I'd never instigate physical contact. But honestly might kiss him back. Sigh....

 

Alright well, with that said, its time to let your Husband go. The writing is on the wall.

 

"Might" means that the ties which bind you to your husband aren't strong enough to definitively resist this other man if he initiated it and marriage doesn't afford one with the opportunity to see if another person other then your husband turns you off.

 

You earlier agreed with Tara when she suggested you leave your job and admitted you didn't need it. Then you said in your last post "no way."

 

You have been told to go nc as much as possible and yet there is always some complicating interaction that you say you can't avoid. (Which you can most certainly can.)

 

You admitted to wanting his attention.

 

You refuse to discuss these feeling with your husband, discover any hang ups in your relationship with him which may play in this, or let the disclosure of this close the door like others here say it would.

 

And now, there is "might".

 

I'm sorry Jenny2013 but your marriage is done.

 

Time to let your husband go. You aren't willing to do what its going to take to save your marriage which would be to nuke this whole thing and erase any possibility of "might". .

Edited July 28, 2015 by fireflywy

[OldRover]

Alright well, with that said, its time to let your Husband go. The writing is on the wall.

 

"Might" means that the ties which bind you to your husband aren't strong enough to definitively resist this other man if he initiated it and marriage doesn't afford one with the opportunity to see if another person other then your husband turns you off.

 

You earlier agreed with Tara when she suggested you leave your job and admitted you didn't need it. Then you said in your last post "no way."

 

You have been told to go nc as much as possible and yet there is always some complicating interaction that you say you can't avoid. (Which you can most certainly can.)

 

You admitted to wanting his attention.

 

You refuse to discuss these feeling with your husband, discover any hang ups in your relationship with him which may play in this, or let the disclosure of this close the door like others here say it would.

 

And now, there is "might".

 

I'm sorry Jenny2013 but your marriage is done.

 

Time to let your husband go. You aren't willing to do what its going to take to save your marriage which would be to nuke this whole thing and erase any possibility of "might". .

 

This is a very good post.

Jenny, pay attention. It's clear that you don't want to do anything to stop this and with the "maybe" it's only a matter of time and you'll be physically involved. It happens very fast.

 

You have another choice... and that's just pursue him. Jump into bed with him and have a great time. Eventually, things will be solved for you, however probably not to your liking and the pain will be shared by many, but you'll probably end up with a solution, if that's what you want.

 

I'd go back to the good advice and tell you husband. You can simply say, honey, I think I'm feeling a bit of attraction and I need your help to stop this. I'm betting that he will back you.

 

My brother, who had a dear friend that was starting to develop an attraction to my brother's married daughter (who had marital problems). He came to my brother for help, distanced himself, and got the help he needed to end it. And it worked because before it got involved, he stopped it.

 

You can do the same. For now, it's clear that you can't do it alone.

 

Best of luck.

[CarrieT]

I'm not going to tell my husband. I'm trying to work this out on my own. Telling him would devestate him.

And finding you in the OM's arms wouldn't devastate him?

 

Seriously - you are in Affair Fog to the Nth Degree. If your husband truly is your "best friend" as you state, there should be a way to tell him that you are having these issues.

 

The fact that you don't want to and would consider even kissing the other guy tells volumes about how you feel about your marriage and your husband. And no one deserves that.

 

Confess now - while it is just a fancy - before it becomes a full-blown affair, and your marriage can be saved. Trying to "deal with it on your own" will put you down the slippery slope from which you cannot save yourself.

 

And I think you KNOW that.

[jenny2013]

Like I have said before, i don;t think he even necessarily wants me.

 

Or even if he does, he wouldn't act on it. He is too moral, and it would be crazy scandalous. That's why I came here - I can not tell anyone else.

 

My friend doesn;t even hug me anymore. He hugs all my other friends.

[TaraMaiden2]

I'm cataloguing all your wonderful excuses and reasons for NOT ending this and carrying on regardless, because it will make for interesting reading when this all either escalates of the Bovine Scatology hits the rotating ventilator.

 

You amaze me.

The things you manage to come up with are classic avoidant tactics.

And you still refuse to implement anything that would put a brake on this mess....

[CarrieT]

The things you manage to come up with are classic avoidant tactics.

And you still refuse to implement anything that would put a brake on this mess....

Repeating this for truth.

[fireflywy]

Like I have said before, i don;t think he even necessarily wants me.

 

Or even if he does, he wouldn't act on it. He is too moral, and it would be crazy scandalous. That's why I came here - I can not tell anyone else.

 

My friend doesn;t even hug me anymore. He hugs all my other friends.

 

Doesn't matter if he wants you or not. YOU want him. You want him more then your husband.

 

Let your husband free already. Then you can put all of these b.s. excuses of "can't, can't, and can't" down but at least your husband will be free to be with someone absolutely commited to him since you so clearly aren't.

Edited July 29, 2015 by fireflywy

[jenny2013]

Trying to be clear here.

 

I love my husband, and am confused by why after 20+ years of marriage I am having "feelings" for another man. I DO NOT plan on acting on them.

 

Do I have thoughts that are improper? Yes. Doesn't everyone?

 

But this is my friend, my nieghbor, and I work for him. Above all, he is my friend. No one else here has ever felt feelings for a friend? There are hundrends of posts here about just that.

[jenny2013]

And no, I don;t want him more than my husband. Not at all.

[fireflywy]

Trying to be clear here.

 

I love my husband, and am confused by why after 20+ years of marriage I am having "feelings" for another man. I DO NOT plan on acting on them.

 

Do I have thoughts that are improper? Yes. Doesn't everyone?

 

But this is my friend, my nieghbor, and I work for him. Above all, he is my friend. No one else here has ever felt feelings for a friend? There are hundrends of posts here about just that.

 

Are you SURE you love your husband?

 

You said you "might" kiss this other guy. Every reference to him you talk about HIS actions or inactions, hell you even almost sound sad that he hugs his friends but not you.

 

You've admitted to wanting his attention.

 

You may "love" your husband, but you're no longer "in love" with him and absolutely NOTHING you've written here has presented any indicator that you're willing to show and prove to your husband how much you "love" him by going all out to extinguish this stuff.

 

Yes, people have thoughts, but you are actually expressing dismay at not knowing what this other guy thinks of you almost as if you wish there was a green light.

 

You don't LOVE your husband in the way he deserves to be loved; fighting temptations to the utmost, communicating openly, seeking counseling to make things work, banishing these influences from your life.

 

Stop lying to yourself. Perhaps the "love" you claim to have to your husband is based on time put in, security of presence or financial, or even GUILT but this IS NOT what he deserves.

 

Let him go if you're not going to do what needs to be done with this other guy.

[fireflywy]

And no, I don;t want him more than my husband. Not at all.

 

Then prove it already. Do what needs to be done. Communicate, be open, seek counseling, quit talking to this other guy to feel him out, get another job, and quit talking in terms of might while claiming you love your husband (doublespeak).

 

As for feelings for a friend (he's no longer "just" a friend now that you have romantic interest in him but is now a potential affair partner) sure, we've all had them but most of us, when we enter into adult relationships and commit to someone else CHOSE the person we commit ourselves to and a lot of the time that means a big goodbye to the past.

 

A lot of those who don't, end up messing around.

 

Edit: Great line from a Celtic Woman song "I lost the friends I NEEDED losing, and met new ones along the way..."

Edited July 29, 2015 by fireflywy

[TaraMaiden2]

Trying to be clear here.

 

I love my husband, and am confused by why after 20+ years of marriage I am having "feelings" for another man. I DO NOT plan on acting on them.

I already gave you my theory, which actually, you haven't commented on...

 

Do I have thoughts that are improper? Yes. Doesn't everyone?

Do you know what? I actually don't.

Define 'improper' because I sure as hell don't go down that road....

 

But this is my friend, my nieghbor, and I work for him.

 

"But...but...but..... a classic word designed to halt a fool right where he stands: neck-deep in idiocy."

 

Above all, he is my friend. No one else here has ever felt feelings for a friend?

'Above all' he is the object of your fantasy, the point of your getting up in the morning, the shiver of excitement you feel when you see him... 'Friends' don't do that. And no, I never have. EVER.

 

There are hundrends of posts here about just that.

Yes, but (ha ha) they all know they're wrong, and for the most part they listen to advice.

They don't seek the 'why', they seek the remedy.

 

You've had the 'why'. I expounded that theory.

 

So, now what?

[jenny2013]

To be more clear.

 

I am IN LOVE with my husband. He is my best friend.

 

I have vague romantic feelings for my frined. A kiss is a total non realistic fantasy.

 

The lack of hugging is the only sign that I have that makes me feel like he might like me. Like he can't do that in public. Who knows?

[fireflywy]

I already gave you my theory, which actually, you haven't commented on...

 

 

Do you know what? I actually don't.

Define 'improper' because I sure as hell don't go down that road....

 

 

 

"But...but...but..... a classic word designed to halt a fool right where he stands: neck-deep in idiocy."

 

 

'Above all' he is the object of your fantasy, the point of your getting up in the morning, the shiver of excitement you feel when you see him... 'Friends' don't do that. And no, I never have. EVER.

 

 

Yes, but (ha ha) they all know they're wrong, and for the most part they listen to advice.

They don't seek the 'why', they seek the remedy.

 

You've had the 'why'. I expounded that theory.

 

So, now what?

 

To be honest, now that I'm no longer a teenager or a young man, I don't have feelings for others either. My compass only points one direction in a relationship. Great points.

[TaraMaiden2]

And no, I don;t want him more than my husband. Not at all.

 

Yes. We have 6 pages of you not wanting him more than your husband. Well, I must say, I'm convinced....

[TaraMaiden2]

To be more clear.

 

I am IN LOVE with my husband. He is my best friend.

So try treating him like one!!

 

I have vague romantic feelings for my frined. A kiss is a total non realistic fantasy.

That's where a lot of cheating begins. In fantasies....

 

The lack of hugging is the only sign that I have that makes me feel like he might like me. Like he can't do that in public. Who knows?

I rather think he may have picked up on your "I fancy a shag with you" vibes and is avoiding contact like the plague, because he knows what a bad idea it would be.

Why not ask him?

[fireflywy]

Jenny, you asked for the why's when you came here.

 

When I say that you aren't "IN LOVE" with your husband, why is that so frightening to consider in conjunction with all the excuses, desires, and inconsistencies, that you've posted here?

 

Perhaps that REALLY IS what's happening. (I certainly believe it). If it is then accept it and then divorce first before entertaining anything else.

 

P.S. I hear you talk more about how you love your husband because he is your "best friend" (sounds like you are just secure with him) while you desire your "friend." Sounds like you're just friends with your husband. Maybe that's the problem I state above.

Edited July 29, 2015 by fireflywy

[jenny2013]

So try treating him like one!!

I do.

 

That's where a lot of cheating begins. In fantasies....

 

That is nice. Good thing I'm not acting on mine. And trying to get help here.

 

I rather think he may have picked up on your "I fancy a shag with you" vibes and is avoiding contact like the plague, because he knows what a bad idea it would be.

Why not ask him?

 

That's why I saw him for a meeting today and then after work for a beer? And will see him tomorrow?

 

He is my FRIEND. My thoughts are not great but there is no reason for me to end my marriage (if you knew me in real life you'd be shocked at how incredible my marriage is). Can't wait for the comments on this one.

[TaraMaiden2]

Still waiting on your reply to my 'why' theory. Avoidant again, much?

 

That is nice. Good thing I'm not acting on mine. And trying to get help here.

 

Jeezus kerrist! We sent a cart, a canoe, a boat and a chopper! How much more HELP do you need - ?!

 

He is my FRIEND. My thoughts are not great but there is no reason for me to end my marriage (if you knew me in real life you'd be shocked at how incredible my marriage is). Can't wait for the comments on this one.

Your marriage is 'incredible' until your h finds out you have a crush on another guy, then you would see how incredible it is. But of course, you don't want to ruin your end of 'incredible' so you lie by omission. That keeps things the way you want them.

A constant crush on your FRIEND and a farce of your 'BEST FRIEND' theory.

[fireflywy]

That's why I saw him for a meeting today and then after work for a beer? And will see him tomorrow?

 

He is my FRIEND. My thoughts are not great but there is no reason for me to end my marriage (if you knew me in real life you'd be shocked at how incredible my marriage is). Can't wait for the comments on this one.

 

Well, your words don't match your actions. If things are so "incredible" then why not save it? If things are so "incredible" with your husband and he's your friend, why won't you trust in that incredibleness and come clean with your thoughts so you can work through this thing with the "incedible" strength of your mutual love?

 

Obviously, things aren't "incredible" and if I knew you, perhaps the only "incredible" id see is what you project. After all, you DID say you can't tell anyone else so obviously the "incredible" is image only.

 

The paradise forests on "Incredible Island" are burning....

[jenny2013]

Still waiting on your reply to my 'why' theory. Avoidant again, much?

 

 

 

Jeezus kerrist! We sent a cart, a canoe, a boat and a chopper! How much more HELP do you need - ?!

 

 

Your marriage is 'incredible' until your h finds out you have a crush on another guy, then you would see how incredible it is. But of course, you don't want to ruin your end of 'incredible' so you lie by omission. That keeps things the way you want them.

A constant crush on your FRIEND and a farce of your 'BEST FRIEND' theory.

 

I am happy to answer your questions/theory. Could you link back to them?

[fireflywy]

*Throws up hands*

 

Well I'm done. I hope i dont see this continued in the "Other Man/other Woman", "Divorce", and "Coping" forums.

 

Sigh.

[jenny2013]

And I know you don't know me, and think otherwise. But I won't be there. I wish you all well.

[fireflywy]

And I know you don't know me, and think otherwise. But I won't be there. I wish you all well.

 

And this is HOW you should be acting. Resolute, firm, committed, no more b.s.

 

 

And I know you don't know me, and think otherwise. But I won't be there. I wish you all well.

 

Best of luck to you. You are setting out on a difficult road. I REALLY hope you consider doing the things we've all suggested to make this painful path less painful and even avoid it altogether.

 

Good luck.

Edited July 29, 2015 by fireflywy