sigh. crush on married friend/boss

[fireflywy]

DKT3, not avoiding the question. Just so many posts here!

 

 

Honestly, no, I would not like it if my husband was having a close friendship with another woman like I have with my friend. But I am much more social than he is, so that would be more out of character for him.

 

 

I'm going out to lunch with a different married friend next week. I'm meeting my high school boyfriend in a few weeks (who I haven't seen in 20 years) for a drink. My husband is fully aware and ok with all of it, because he trusts me. As he should.

 

So you're going to meet up with a past flame? I don't think, given your recent internal tug of war, if this is wise. It kinda seems as if you're still searching (perhaps not consciously) for external attention outside of your marriage.

 

In any other cicumstance, this would probably be fine but not right now I would say.

 

Why not just give this all a rest for a while regardless of how ok your husband seems with things?

 

I think there are still deeper things going on here that you have to bring to the surface.

[OldRover]

DKT3, not avoiding the question. Just so many posts here!

 

 

Honestly, no, I would not like it if my husband was having a close friendship with another woman like I have with my friend. But I am much more social than he is, so that would be more out of character for him.

 

 

I'm going out to lunch with a different married friend next week. I'm meeting my high school boyfriend in a few weeks (who I haven't seen in 20 years) for a drink. My husband is fully aware and ok with all of it, because he trusts me. As he should.

 

Jenny,

 

Flywire makes a good point.

 

You are still in a denial mode, and have clearly cross boundaries that can cause you harm, but that's your choice, and I'd bet that if you continue your present course and actions, you'll be in an affair, but hope I'm wrong.

 

You've clearly stated that you have a crush on the MM Boss. Have you totally disclosed that to your husband, so you can set up some parameters and guide lines to get that out of your head?

 

The hug for this guy is totally inappropriate, as is ANY communication or contact when you two are alone. It just ain't gonna work.

 

As for the meeting with the ex boyfriend, take your husband with.... alone with him for a drink is clearly crossing a boundary line. The only exception might be in a social event where you both will be meeting a lot of others you both know.

 

As for lunch with the married man, if this is a one on one lunch for social reasons, that too is crossing the line.

 

ANY time you are alone with another man, married or not, for a drink or social event is certainly a grey area.

 

You state that you're a very social lady, which is fine... just include your husband.

 

With your current actions, it's only a matter of time, not "if".

 

I've seen much less romantic situations carry someone across the line into an affair. It happens fast, especially if you already had an attraction. A good married friend had a lady friend (who was engaged when they first me, but broke it off) that he only knew in a social setting with a group. They were good friends and talked a lot, and occasionally hugged, and a short welcome kiss.... nothing to bad... yet...

She had some experience on an item that he was going to purchase and went with him to a neighboring town to see. Well, it was late, they were tired and they ended up spending the night, and thought they could appropriately share a room. But they shared the same bed and that started their affair. Seemed innocent at first, but all of a sudden moved really fast.

 

I could see that happening to you.... could be totally innocent visit with him, in a situation where no one would be around for a while, and next thing you know, you kiss, and goes rapidly from there.

 

You said you were over him... and this thread is only a month long.... no way, doesn't happen that fast.

 

We are trying to support you, not criticize too much, but some of us have seen this and it's quite obvious that you are not doing everything you need to do to put this totally behind you.

[kgcolonel]

As for the meeting with the ex boyfriend, take your husband with.... alone with him for a drink is clearly crossing a boundary line. The only exception might be in a social event where you both will be meeting a lot of others you both know.

 

As for lunch with the married man, if this is a one on one lunch for social reasons, that too is crossing the line.

 

ANY time you are alone with another man, married or not, for a drink or social event is certainly a grey area.

 

You state that you're a very social lady, which is fine... just include your husband.

 

With your current actions, it's only a matter of time, not "if".

 

 

This is obvious to us.....really wish she would see it. This very likely will not end well. If the Dear Hubby does not know about the crush with Friend no. 1, how can he be agreeable to the "get togethers" (with a full understanding of the TRUE situation) with Married Friend (interestingly enough she stops short of id'ing him as a Man) and Old Flame. Hubby doesn't know that she is struggling with the crush issue and now meeting other men one on one.....

 

 

This would greatly trouble me as a Married and Committed Husband and I would expect that it would trouble my wife if the roles were reversed no matter who was more social than the other.

[OldRover]

As for the meeting with the ex boyfriend, take your husband with.... alone with him for a drink is clearly crossing a boundary line. The only exception might be in a social event where you both will be meeting a lot of others you both know.

 

As for lunch with the married man, if this is a one on one lunch for social reasons, that too is crossing the line.

 

ANY time you are alone with another man, married or not, for a drink or social event is certainly a grey area.

 

You state that you're a very social lady, which is fine... just include your husband.

 

With your current actions, it's only a matter of time, not "if".

 

 

This is obvious to us.....really wish she would see it. This very likely will not end well. If the Dear Hubby does not know about the crush with Friend no. 1, how can he be agreeable to the "get togethers" (with a full understanding of the TRUE situation) with Married Friend (interestingly enough she stops short of id'ing him as a Man) and Old Flame. Hubby doesn't know that she is struggling with the crush issue and now meeting other men one on one.....

 

 

This would greatly trouble me as a Married and Committed Husband and I would expect that it would trouble my wife if the roles were reversed no matter who was more social than the other.

 

KG,

 

You're absolutely right... for now, it's just a matter of time. And then we can read about it in the OM/OW section.

 

I hope she will learn.

[Marc878]

It only takes one time for emotions to overrule common sense.

 

The more you put yourself in those situations the % chance that something could happen increases dramatically.

 

I've seen people with excellent character who you'd never think it happening get sucked in.

 

And it's never worth it after it happens.

[jenny2013]

All,

 

 

The "old flame" is someone I "dated" when I was 15. I was in denial in how long it's been since I've seen him (and apparently how old I am!). It's been 30 years. It will be great to see him and catch up, but I have zero fear that I'll be attracted to him. He is (I can see from Facebook) tattooed all over, which I really do not like.

 

 

I DID invite my husband to come with us (I think it would be great for them to meet as they share similar interests) but my husband has to work on the day my old friend will be in my town.

 

 

The friend that I am having lunch with (yes, he's a married man) has been having a hard time, and I'm reaching out to him as a friend. His wife has recently recovered from Stage 4 cancer, and it understandably threw him into a tailspin. They have kids the same ages as ours, and he was a stay at home dad when they were little, so we got to know each other then. He needs a friend to talk to, and I am happy to be one for him.

 

 

Both his wife and my husband are aware that we are having lunch together, and glad that we are. I'm a good listener, and he needs someone to talk to. That's it.

 

 

Sometimes a cigar is just a cigar.

 

 

And back to the hug thing, maybe that's just cultural. I come from a very huggy kissy family, so that's just standard for me. In fact, I think that people/friends don't touch each other kindly (with no ulterior motives) enough.

 

 

The joke in my family was always was that it took 15 more minutes more for us to leave than other people because we had to kiss everyone goodbye (on the cheeks).

 

 

No more crush on the boss/friend (to reiterate), so all good there.

[jenny2013]

And honestly? None of you have friends of the opposite sex? Maybe it's a generational thing? Or a confidence thing? Or trust?

 

 

My husband has lunches with business associates that are women, and they have drinks on occasion. I know about them, and I have no worries.

 

 

He is welcome to go out to lunch or for a beer with another woman that's in our friend group. And he has.

 

 

Our town is small enough that if anything had happened, I'd know. And same as with me.

 

 

Again, the original reason I posted this was because it was so out of character for me to have feelings for one of my close friends when I am so happy in my marriage.

 

 

I can see how you all can say I am going down a bad road (as I was when I had feelings for my friend) but that doesn't mean that I'm out trolling. Those feelings are gone, and I am glad for it. And you have all helped me through it.

 

 

I am just having lunch/drinks with some friends - who happen to be men. Love my husband, and not going to mess with that.

[kgcolonel]

Jenny,

 

 

Please understand....all we know is what you bring to the thread. We are not trying to attack you but to help you see potential dangers. We take the facts in look at them as objectively as we can. You came to us with an unfamiliar "crush" on a friend and we saw some things that we believed would help both you and your relationship with your husband. We didn't know that you had invited your husband, there was no mention of that.

 

 

Bottom line, everyone here wishes you and your marriage only the very best it can be.

[OldRover]

And honestly? None of you have friends of the opposite sex? Maybe it's a generational thing? Or a confidence thing? Or trust?

 

 

My husband has lunches with business associates that are women, and they have drinks on occasion. I know about them, and I have no worries.

 

 

He is welcome to go out to lunch or for a beer with another woman that's in our friend group. And he has.

 

 

Our town is small enough that if anything had happened, I'd know. And same as with me.

 

 

Again, the original reason I posted this was because it was so out of character for me to have feelings for one of my close friends when I am so happy in my marriage.

 

 

I can see how you all can say I am going down a bad road (as I was when I had feelings for my friend) but that doesn't mean that I'm out trolling. Those feelings are gone, and I am glad for it. And you have all helped me through it.

 

 

I am just having lunch/drinks with some friends - who happen to be men. Love my husband, and not going to mess with that.

 

Jenny,

 

I'm sure you know we are trying to look out for your best interests.... and thus, the comments.

 

We are pointing out red flags, and yes, they really are red flags. ANY TIME you are alone with a member of the opposite sex that is someone that you "could" have a relationship, can be a red flag. The MM for lunch (worse for drinks, and worse yet if it's dinner and drinks), the ex bf, even if it was at age 15. Most of those lines I won't cross if I'm in a committed relationship.

 

And sure, we all have friends of the opposite sex, and some very close to us, however, most of us don't do any of the things in the above paragraph with them, and neither does my SO, and I'd be concerned if she did. The only exception would be a business lunch.

 

However, I'm glad you have a positive attitude.

 

As for the crush, that was awful short lived, and I'd still be a bit concerned.

 

Keep us posted, however, let us know how things are a month from now for sure.

[jenny2013]

Old Rover and KJ Colonel,

 

 

I know you are trying to help me. And you don't know me. And I don't give enough info sometimes, so you go directions that are not the way I'm going. There are things I know about myself (that of course I'd invite/tell my husband that my high school friend is coming to visit) that I don't bother to mention them here.

 

 

If it makes you feel better, my high school friend is coming to visit with his girlfriend and another friend. We all might go see my husband at work. That is nothing to be concerned about.

 

 

As for my friend that I'm going to have lunch or drinks with, also nothing to worry about. He is a friend who needs someone to talk to. That's all.

[Marc878]

Boundaries are for a purpose.

 

Nothing may happen if you're out alone with a friend of the opposite sex.

 

But it can!

 

With boundaries it can't.

[OldRover]

Boundaries are for a purpose.

 

Nothing may happen if you're out alone with a friend of the opposite sex.

 

But it can!

 

With boundaries it can't.

 

 

Those works are SO TRUE.... good post.

[TaraMaiden2]

C'mon guys - she's not a wimp, or some helpless female who swoons at the merest thought of a dangerous liaison....

 

Give her SOME credit, she's not as thick as all that.

You make it sound as if at the drop of a hat, or the crook of a finger, she'd forget everything, throw caution to the wind and go running for the tempting tidbit....

 

....And anyway, what are these men, predators? Desperadoes who would do anything, and stop at nothing, to wine her, dine her and pin her to the wall?

 

Some people ARE capable of leading normal lives and interacting with other females without any intention of having sex with them.

 

You guys, for example.

Unless of course, you 'protest too much' and are merely indicating how YOU would interact with a woman, when meeting her alone....

 

But of course, if YOU wouldn't do it - are there not other men who would behave in the same way?

Or is this temptation merely coming from her side?

Would she be the sole instigator and culprit?

 

You can't have it all ways, right?

[Marc878]

A lot come here for justification of actions.

 

That it's really ok and and there's no problem at all. Then why are you here? Hmmmmm?

 

If the shoe was on the other foot it would be how wrong it is.

 

Most issues begin from one on one time, whether at work, etc. the boards are full of how something begins.

 

Don't forget she's here for a reason.

[OldRover]

A lot come here for justification of actions.

 

That it's really ok and and there's no problem at all. Then why are you here? Hmmmmm?

 

If the shoe was on the other foot it would be how wrong it is.

 

Most issues begin from one on one time, whether at work, etc. the boards are full of how something begins.

 

Don't forget she's here for a reason.

 

Marc,

 

Yes, she is... and if one objectively looks at her posts and the situation, it's easy to see the danger involved.

 

Tara:

"C'mon guys - she's not a wimp, or some helpless female who swoons at the merest thought of a dangerous liaison....

 

Give her SOME credit, she's not as thick as all that.

You make it sound as if at the drop of a hat, or the crook of a finger, she'd forget everything, throw caution to the wind and go running for the tempting tidbit...."

 

Yes, that's exactly how it happens. If there is mutual attraction and a small spark ignites things, if they are in the right place, it's SO EASY to cross the line.

It's not that she's careless, or there's some sex hungry guy stalking her.... they only need the attraction (like she has, or had, and the guy has the same, which sure seemed like he did). Then they only need the place together, alone. Which seems like they came very close to that, too.

 

Even if the first time is only a sensual kiss... they will just wonder what the next time will be like, and unless one makes a strong effort to stop it, it will happen again.

 

And that's why she got the replies that we wrote. Many of us have been there, and seen exactly how fast this happens, even when you may not even expect it.

[Marc878]

I've seen it happen with a sentence at the appropriate time. That was all it took.

 

Something like I've always thought you were the most beautiful girl in school. Bam!!! That was the start.

 

If you walk on the edge it's exciting. No doubt.

 

But if you do it often enough you will fall off.

 

Pretty simple really but most haven't lived life long enough to see it that way.

 

You can live as you want but you will have to take what comes with it.

[TaraMaiden2]

So what you're all essentially saying is that this woman has no will-power of her own, is incapable of resisting temptation, and that all it would tke is one fatuous, shallow, simple compliment to make her sprawl across a bed and take whatever's offered?

 

If I wasn't rolling on the floor laughing at the sheer effrontery and assumptions, I might actually be extremely insulted on her behalf, because your persistence is tiresome, unwarranted and exaggerated.

 

 

Many of us have been there, and seen exactly how fast this happens, even when you may not even expect it.

 

What... as instigators, or poor hapless, helpless victims...?

 

Not all women are weak, victorian damsels with no backbone but the ones in their corsets, you know....

 

Aaaah, dear.....

[OldRover]

So what you're all essentially saying is that this woman has no will-power of her own, is incapable of resisting temptation, and that all it would tke is one fatuous, shallow, simple compliment to make her sprawl across a bed and take whatever's offered?

 

If I wasn't rolling on the floor laughing at the sheer effrontery and assumptions, I might actually be extremely insulted on her behalf, because your persistence is tiresome, unwarranted and exaggerated.

 

 

 

 

What... as instigators, or poor hapless, helpless victims...?

 

Not all women are weak, victorian damsels with no backbone but the ones in their corsets, you know....

 

Aaaah, dear.....

 

 

YES, we are saying essentially that! Just why do you think this thread exists? These are some of the quotes that Jenny posted:

 

"We've always been kind of close. But he hired me to work for him, and we've gotten a lot closer. Texting/emailing at night, him telling me very personal stories....... Going out to lunch and drinks.

....I want is for an unattainable person to want me. For him to pick me above all the others" ....

"Like I said in my original post, I want him to want me. " ...."Long texts from him. Coming to my friends' houses when my car is there."......"I'm totally prolonging the agony. It's one of those "hey I can innocently hang out with my friend because my husband is here" things. It's already happened once - all three of us went to something together but I ended up hanging out with my friend and having an amazing/soul bearing conversation."...."My husband knows all about our friendship, just not my feelings for him (which I think he kind of suspects)."....

 

She also posted that she seems a bit confused or wondering why she had these feelings, and she did say that she had no intention of cheating on her husband, but still maintained a fairly close relationship with her friend.

 

And this is why she got the posts that have been posted. There have been others in this situation, and we have seen others there, and a lot of us have clearly seen how this situation fails and they cross the line. Our comments where to point out where the potential problems were and how she could kill this feeling. Close contact, hugs, etc., doesn't cut it, and that's why the comments.

 

And I believe we are all sincere, and are making comments for her benefit. She can take or leave them (as she has for some). She says she has the will power to resist, and will make it through this without cheating. However, a few of us feel she has already crossed the line, and I'm one. She has still not told her husband, and still hugs.

 

And that's all fine, and I really wish her the best of luck, but we are just pointing out where things go wrong. And YES things go wrong when you least expect it.

[Marc878]

Its advice. Take it or leave it.

 

I can tell you many wish they had.

 

Just read a few and see how it all began.

 

Usually what seemed like a close friendship, harmless flirting, chat, etc.

 

I had an old classmate on FB once I just said Hi too. A few weeks later she said I'll be in your area. How about just you and I getting together for lunch. After that she told me her H and her didn't have much of a marriage.

 

Never replied because I have boundaries.

 

Why go there nothing good can come of it.

[jenny2013]

Again, thanks Tara.

 

 

To all: I have boundaries. I have had ONE hug with my friend/boss in the last six months.

 

 

Side note: I hugged my girlfriend as she came out of my boss' office the other day. He commented "I didn't think you were a hugger." I don't think I am the only one reading into the silly hug frequency.

 

 

I think we are both purposely NOT hugging/touching each other. Which is good. Boundaries.

 

 

I agree with Tara. A sentence isn't going to make me cheat on my husband, nor is a lunch, or a drink. Give me some credit here.

 

 

The reason I posted here in the first place is because I was feeling real feelings for a friend, and didn't understand why.

 

 

That didn't mean I was going to act on them. I was just trying to understand why I had them. The feelings are gone, thankfully.

 

 

Honestly, do you think women are so fragile/vulnerable/stupid that a sentence or a word or even a kiss will make them destroy their marriage? Or that men are powerful enough to do that?

[TaraMaiden2]

jenny, I think they'd almost LIKE you to 'fail' because then they could give you the old "We told you so!" line.

 

They would rather believe you will fall for the charms of some fleeting passing whim of a cheating player (who is of course, up to now exempt of blame, and free of any criticism) than give you the credit for your decisions, actions and determinations.

 

They believe the worst, because it suits their male egos, and they want to be right.

We men are right, and you, you lily-livered, weak simpering indecisive, impressionable and weak-willed woman are wrong....

 

Despite everything you have said to assure them, they point-blank refuse to believe you.

You're either deluded, or lying.

 

Because of course, they have 'been there' (In maybe one or two individual anecdotes) and they KNOW what will happen.

No room for variations here, no consideration of other, innocent, more reasonable and far more common scenarios.

 

Well the only way on here that you can convince them, is via your words, because we can't see the actions, intentions and interactions between you and others.

 

I'm personally convinced at the point we've reached that what you are saying, holds more value, credibility and justification that their words.

 

In brief: Don't listen to the pessimists.

[Marc878]

Just advice.

 

Live life as you choose.

 

If you're seeking justification you'll find it as well as other opinions.

 

Good luck

[OldRover]

Again, thanks Tara.

 

 

To all: I have boundaries. I have had ONE hug with my friend/boss in the last six months.

 

 

Side note: I hugged my girlfriend as she came out of my boss' office the other day. He commented "I didn't think you were a hugger." I don't think I am the only one reading into the silly hug frequency.

 

 

I think we are both purposely NOT hugging/touching each other. Which is good. Boundaries.

 

 

I agree with Tara. A sentence isn't going to make me cheat on my husband, nor is a lunch, or a drink. Give me some credit here.

 

 

The reason I posted here in the first place is because I was feeling real feelings for a friend, and didn't understand why.

 

 

That didn't mean I was going to act on them. I was just trying to understand why I had them. The feelings are gone, thankfully.

 

 

Honestly, do you think women are so fragile/vulnerable/stupid that a sentence or a word or even a kiss will make them destroy their marriage? Or that men are powerful enough to do that?

 

Jenny,

 

You must be stronger than a lot of women, and I'll give you credit for that, and hope your struggle (yes, it was a struggle), is over.... and you'll keep it that way. You sound like you have your head on straight, but the first several post made a lot of us doubt that, especially when you commented about you want to know if he likes you too.

 

A lot of comments have come from some of us that see how fragile people are (yes, both men and women), and how very quickly a boundary can be crossed. And some of us have seen it with people just like you, that started out having absolutely no desire to hurt anyone or destroy their marriage, but get in way over their heads.

 

Wish you the best, seems like you're heading down that path.

[fireflywy]

The sad thing about much of these perceptions of spouses being tempted is that now media are starting to romanticize it in little ways and subjectively inject into culture as okay it seems. Apparently, SOMEONE is seeing a problem with weakness in our new culture and it not just the posters here.

 

Case in point, two commercials.

 

Armor All TV Commercial, 'Viking' - iSpot.tv

 

ArmorAll Viking Sense of Pride Commercial

 

Anyways just had to insert that as a matter of perspective and the glamourization of the forbidden and exciting.

 

Glad to see that you're doing better Jenny2013. Keep those boundaries up!

[jenny2013]

Jenny,

 

You must be stronger than a lot of women, and I'll give you credit for that, and hope your struggle (yes, it was a struggle), is over.... and you'll keep it that way. You sound like you have your head on straight, but the first several post made a lot of us doubt that, especially when you commented about you want to know if he likes you too.

 

A lot of comments have come from some of us that see how fragile people are (yes, both men and women), and how very quickly a boundary can be crossed. And some of us have seen it with people just like you, that started out having absolutely no desire to hurt anyone or destroy their marriage, but get in way over their heads.

 

Wish you the best, seems like you're heading down that path.

 

I'll take that I am strong, Old Rover, but not "stronger than a lot of women." I do think it takes strength to have feelings, recognize them, and not act upon them. I think many people have been through the same thing, and come out just fine. Just like I will.

 

 

By the way, I had lunch with my married friend today. And a glass of wine. And a hug. We all survived. Shocking, I know.