sigh. crush on married friend/boss

[TaraMaiden2]

Update - all is well. My friend/boss has been calling me more as I've been pulling back (4 times in the last 24 hours), but I'm doing well, so that's the only thing I can control.

Make your excuses on the phone and keep it short.

 

Remember what I said about ensnaring you and hauling you back in, because he misses the attention.

This is all part of it.

 

Don't prove the nay-sayers right, Jen.

 

Honestly, I have very small twinges of feelings for him still, but I think these are more friendship based. He is being extra nice to me, and I can't deny that that is a nice feeling.

Oh Lordy, Jen....!

The bold: That's not improving things at all, particularly when you insisted some time ago that you no longer felt anything. THis is a retrograde step.

 

This isn't genuine. It's a male ego thing. He's being extra nice to you, because he wants your attention! It doesn't matter if you resist and it never gets to an affair - he'd flirting and being 'extra nice' because his ego wants a harem!!

 

What the heck are you playing at, woman - ?!

 

 

 

But there have been no more meetings alone, away from work, etc. which has greatly helped. Thanks to all who have given me support when I needed it.

Sorry. This just sound like you slipping back into old ways, and lather-rinsing-repeating.

 

What you were doing wasn't intended to be a stop-gap measure; it was supposed to be permanent.

 

Now, I have to be the first to admit, it sounds like the attention is beginning to turn your head again.

 

This is a BAD update, not a good one....

[jenny2013]

Tara, I was with him today at work, and I thought "Ick - why did I ever even think I had feelings for him?"

 

 

I do keep the phone calls VERY short, and half the time I don't answer. I agree with you that it's his ego. Trying to reel me back in.

 

 

I'm being good, Tara. Don't you worry.

[jenny2013]

This is less an update about my feelings than my actions, which two friends have commented on this week.

 

 

One was from a teacher/co-worker. She brought up saying something about a work issue to my boss, and she said I should do it. She's new, and I said ok.

 

 

I said that I was friends with our boss long before I worked at the school, and she said, "I noticed when you two were walking to your classroom that you picked stuff off the back of his sweater. You must be close - because I don't know him well enough to do that."

 

 

I said, if you have stuff on the back of your sweater, I'd take it off too. I'm the kind of person who likes to know if I have stuff in my teeth, and think others like to know that too.

 

 

Today was the one that threw me. I have a friend who I have known for 15 years, and I see her about every other month when she does my eyebrows. So a friend, but not a super close friend.

 

 

I was coming to see her right after work, and so was wearing what I wore to work. Jean jacket, dress, wedge heels. Completely covered and appropriate, but cute.

 

 

She sees me and says, "You should not be wearing that to work with "bosses name" Kidding, but makes me wonder why she say that? She's never even seen us toghtehr, and knows him separately from me.

[kgcolonel]

Jenny, she may either know something about the boss or she may have picked up on something you weren't aware of between you and the boss in the past and was simply commenting on it.....two random flags to just be conscious of going forward.

 

Keep strong!

[jenny2013]

Hopefully another "good" update.

 

 

He is very much pulling back, as am I. No more late night texting or emailing at all. Zero.

 

 

However, (and I hesitate to post this, but WTH) he has been asking me to go on fieldtrips, to offsite lunches, assemblies with him (and always with kids or others). So I take that as a good sign that he is trying to maintain our friendship/professional relationship (even as awkward as it is kind of right now at least in my eyes).

 

 

Realistically, he is probably clueless that I have ever had feelings for him. Or that I don't have them anymore. Right?

 

 

Tonight we will be spending New Years Eve together, with our spouses and another couple. From our work. It will be fun, and nice and all good to hang out.

 

 

I want to thank you all for helping me get through this. You really have. And to wish you a very happy New Year. xo

[jenny2013]

I hesitate to write this. Can I start with nothing physical has happened?

 

 

But we spent New Years together (with spouses).

 

 

And then went to a co-workers wedding together - just the two of us (without spouses). We drove and walked in together to the wedding.

 

 

And then afterwards we went to a bar to have drinks, where our co-workers and my husband came. He invited his wife and she wouldn't come.

 

 

Still no late night texting or emailing. All good there!

[minimariah]

hi!

 

you wrote in your first post that you think you're doomed to fail here - as in to have an affair, eventually. is that feeling still present? how in control of the situation do you feel?

[road]

I hesitate to write this. Can I start with nothing physical has happened?

 

 

But we spent New Years together (with spouses).

 

 

And then went to a co-workers wedding together - just the two of us (without spouses). We drove and walked in together to the wedding.

 

 

And then afterwards we went to a bar to have drinks, where our co-workers and my husband came. He invited his wife and she wouldn't come.

 

 

Still no late night texting or emailing. All good there!

 

 

I read the first page and the last two pages. My conclusion:

 

 

You are an attention addict.

 

 

You love playing with fire. You love showing people here how good you are playing with fire.

 

 

You are not an honest person for your are keeping the truth from your husband. That you have a crush on your OM/husbands friend and that the OM wants to take it further.

 

 

Knowing all this and yet you go to a wedding with the OM and then have drinks at a bar with him.

 

 

You claim innocence yet other women call you out on how you dress in front of the OM.

[RySant]

I've read all pages, and honestly I don't see any improvement here.

 

Yup, this is going the wrong way. #StubbornGirl101

[RRM321]

The drama about whether you will end up having an affair is a ruse.

 

You're already having an affair, just not having sex yet. The kiss you only imagine is more powerful than the one you actually give. What you are describing is eroticism, and the attraction is to some former part of yourself - perhaps the thrill of the chase before you were married?

 

What would happen to these erotic feelings if your husband and the OM's wife were invited to read this thread?

 

When either spouse discovers this affair, (and they will) sex or no sex won't really matter because it will be the betrayal that causes damage. That his wife refused to come out and join all of you for drinks may be a sign that she is already wise to what's going on. You're worst nightmare may already have begun.

 

PS: I've been a character in these drama's played out more than once by my ex-wife. In the end she and her boss paramours destroyed three marriages, all of them involving children. I don't really know what if any role sex played in those dramas - it simply didn't matter in the end. The gifts just get bigger, drinks get more frequent, the tease more intense, and you're marriage ceases to be important anymore.

Edited February 5, 2016 by RRM321

[jenny2013]

hi!

 

you wrote in your first post that you think you're doomed to fail here - as in to have an affair, eventually. is that feeling still present? how in control of the situation do you feel?

 

 

 

Hi!

 

 

I feel pretty in control, actually. When I first wrote that, I wasn't as much.

 

 

I realistically don't think I would ever have an affair, nor would my friend.

 

 

We both REALLY pulled back texting/emailing wise, which was good. But I think we've almost switched MOs.

 

 

Now it's the "let's have a meeting" and "let's have another meeting" at work. When I ask if someone else involved should come, it's "if you want, but that will make your time with me shorter." My sarcastic response is "good, I'll make sure I invite them."

 

 

I think it's a flirtatious forbidden friendship that we both kind of secretly enjoy, but would never act on.

[RRM321]

I think it's a flirtatious forbidden friendship that we both kind of secretly enjoy, but would never act on.

 

You're already acting on it - that's why it's a secret.

[scrublord]

jenny, I think they'd almost LIKE you to 'fail' because then they could give you the old "We told you so!" line.

 

They would rather believe you will fall for the charms of some fleeting passing whim of a cheating player (who is of course, up to now exempt of blame, and free of any criticism) than give you the credit for your decisions, actions and determinations.

 

They believe the worst, because it suits their male egos, and they want to be right.

We men are right, and you, you lily-livered, weak simpering indecisive, impressionable and weak-willed woman are wrong....

 

Despite everything you have said to assure them, they point-blank refuse to believe you.

You're either deluded, or lying.

 

Because of course, they have 'been there' (In maybe one or two individual anecdotes) and they KNOW what will happen.

No room for variations here, no consideration of other, innocent, more reasonable and far more common scenarios.

 

Well the only way on here that you can convince them, is via your words, because we can't see the actions, intentions and interactions between you and others.

 

I'm personally convinced at the point we've reached that what you are saying, holds more value, credibility and justification that their words.

 

In brief: Don't listen to the pessimists.

 

Woah! Hold on a cotton-pickin' minute!

 

This means - *gasp!!* - you are controlling yourself!!

 

How very unlike yer average typical woman - exercising common sense, social normal interaction and self-restraint! Surely, that's not possible!

 

Goodness me, whooda thunk it!?

 

 

Everyone please ignore the feminist dribble from these two insulting men and inciting 'GIRL POWER'. The same situation would get the same reply whether or not the genders were reversed. I say this in the most caring way possible, please screw your head on straight. noone here cares whether the OP's emotional (and slightly physical) affair partner is a girl or a guy except you. infact, you are the one that has insulted males for no reason. Feel I had to point this out as it is disgusting. You can continue to shame men if you'd like but just know that you have contributed absolutely nothing of worth in this entire thread and are making the world a worse place to live in. I'm a female myself (not like it matters) so there goes your theory out the window.

 

I really feel sorry for OPs husband.

 

Let me get this straight -

 

- Went to a f*cking wedding together as virtually a couple - that is reserved for actually platonic same gender friends, dates and family

- Completely dishonest with husband about the most important thing - that isn't 1% lying, its 100%. If you leave out one detail that affects how the entire situation is perceived you are actually 200% dishonest. It's even worse than saying nothing at all because you are purposefully deceiving someone by pretending you are trustworthy and open.

- Loves the attention, recently, still taking 4 calls from boss in a day (non work related or pretend work related) even after saying that no longer calls/emails. acts like a schoolgirl giggling over the boss contacting her more because shes pulling back.

- Goes to lunch with ex boyfriend AND the gf as a complete insult to injury to both her partner and the exes partner. In no universe would a self respecting GF (would bet my life savings she didn't know and the ex is lying) would allow this.

- 'How do I avoid a hug'? By saying no. You have no obligation to hug someone of the opposite gender, whether they are your boss or not. This is the most silly thing I've ever heard. Whether its one hug, a 0.000001 second hug, or one third of a hug, with knowledge that you both have feelings, you have pretty much already physically cheated. Point in case - if its so innocent and unavoidable, tell your husband there was something going on there and you hugged him. Saying that the mutual attraction was never discussed makes it okay is completely LOL. You have me in stitches with your feminist agenda. So let me get this straight, even tho its obvious you are both crossing boundaries and its already confirmed OP has feelings and that virtually the boss is flirting/has feelings/wants some, if noone has said anything outright its all okay. What in the flying?

 

I really, really, really, thank god that the majority of posters here employ at least a little logical reasoning to their posts. To the rest of you, I feel sorry for whoever gets into a relationship with you. You clearly have no sense of boundaries or morals.

[scrublord]

Make your excuses on the phone and keep it short.

 

Remember what I said about ensnaring you and hauling you back in, because he misses the attention.

This is all part of it.

 

Don't prove the nay-sayers right, Jen.

 

Oh Lordy, Jen....!

The bold: That's not improving things at all, particularly when you insisted some time ago that you no longer felt anything. THis is a retrograde step.

 

This isn't genuine. It's a male ego thing. He's being extra nice to you, because he wants your attention! It doesn't matter if you resist and it never gets to an affair - he'd flirting and being 'extra nice' because his ego wants a harem!!

 

What the heck are you playing at, woman - ?!

 

 

 

 

Sorry. This just sound like you slipping back into old ways, and lather-rinsing-repeating.

 

What you were doing wasn't intended to be a stop-gap measure; it was supposed to be permanent.

 

Now, I have to be the first to admit, it sounds like the attention is beginning to turn your head again.

 

This is a BAD update, not a good one....

 

Contrary to what you might think noone here is hoping that the OP's marriage fails and everyone elses relationship is broken. Merely, they are calling things out on how they really are and brushing aside the delusion. Referring to anyone who isn't gung ho about the way the OP is acting 'naysayers' is ignorance of the extreme kind. You've watched one daytime drama too many. Please for the love of god stop making this a gender war of some kind. Noone gives a single sh*t whether the OP is male or female, and noone is in on some massive conspiracy to ruin OPs life.

[whichwayisup]

Hi!

 

 

I feel pretty in control, actually. When I first wrote that, I wasn't as much.

 

 

I realistically don't think I would ever have an affair, nor would my friend.

 

 

We both REALLY pulled back texting/emailing wise, which was good. But I think we've almost switched MOs.

 

 

Now it's the "let's have a meeting" and "let's have another meeting" at work. When I ask if someone else involved should come, it's "if you want, but that will make your time with me shorter." My sarcastic response is "good, I'll make sure I invite them."

 

 

I think it's a flirtatious forbidden friendship that we both kind of secretly enjoy, but would never act on.

 

How would you feel if your husband was doing what you're doing with a female co worker of his? Apply that to your situation and just know that the flirting isn't innocent and it's an open invitation for something to happen in the future. An ego feed is one thing until one person makes their move...

 

Focus your energy and flirting into your husband and not your co worker.

[jenny2013]

Everyone please ignore the feminist dribble from these two insulting men and inciting 'GIRL POWER'. The same situation would get the same reply whether or not the genders were reversed. I say this in the most caring way possible, please screw your head on straight. noone here cares whether the OP's emotional (and slightly physical) affair partner is a girl or a guy except you. infact, you are the one that has insulted males for no reason. Feel I had to point this out as it is disgusting. You can continue to shame men if you'd like but just know that you have contributed absolutely nothing of worth in this entire thread and are making the world a worse place to live in. I'm a female myself (not like it matters) so there goes your theory out the window.

 

I really feel sorry for OPs husband.

 

Let me get this straight -

 

- Went to a f*cking wedding together as virtually a couple - that is reserved for actually platonic same gender friends, dates and family

- Completely dishonest with husband about the most important thing - that isn't 1% lying, its 100%. If you leave out one detail that affects how the entire situation is perceived you are actually 200% dishonest. It's even worse than saying nothing at all because you are purposefully deceiving someone by pretending you are trustworthy and open.

- Loves the attention, recently, still taking 4 calls from boss in a day (non work related or pretend work related) even after saying that no longer calls/emails. acts like a schoolgirl giggling over the boss contacting her more because shes pulling back.

- Goes to lunch with ex boyfriend AND the gf as a complete insult to injury to both her partner and the exes partner. In no universe would a self respecting GF (would bet my life savings she didn't know and the ex is lying) would allow this.

- 'How do I avoid a hug'? By saying no. You have no obligation to hug someone of the opposite gender, whether they are your boss or not. This is the most silly thing I've ever heard. Whether its one hug, a 0.000001 second hug, or one third of a hug, with knowledge that you both have feelings, you have pretty much already physically cheated. Point in case - if its so innocent and unavoidable, tell your husband there was something going on there and you hugged him. Saying that the mutual attraction was never discussed makes it okay is completely LOL. You have me in stitches with your feminist agenda. So let me get this straight, even tho its obvious you are both crossing boundaries and its already confirmed OP has feelings and that virtually the boss is flirting/has feelings/wants some, if noone has said anything outright its all okay. What in the flying?

 

I really, really, really, thank god that the majority of posters here employ at least a little logical reasoning to their posts. To the rest of you, I feel sorry for whoever gets into a relationship with you. You clearly have no sense of boundaries or morals.

 

 

That's so cute - who knew I was a feminist? I think you can tell from these posts that I like men. I don't have a feminist agenda at all. That is super out of left field.

 

 

Hugging. Please read back. That is not a big deal. I hug people all the time. This week, I have hugged a county supervisor, the school superintendent , and a City Councilman. Hugging men is just not a thing at all in my world.

 

 

Going to lunch with my high school boyfriend and his girlfriend is not a big deal either. I have been married for more than 20 years and my husband was invited to go with all of us.

[RRM321]

That's so cute - who knew I was a feminist? I think you can tell from these posts that I like men. I don't have a feminist agenda at all. That is super out of left field.

 

I don't think you're a feminist but, I believe you most certainly have an agenda.

 

Not one person in this thread has given you the green light to continue pursuing this behavior yet, 17 pages later you are still authoring and expanding the erotic narrative.

 

My guess is that this thread is simply an extension that feeds the naughty thrill of the chase. It's just another stage of the rocket you've already launched. I believe you will eventually be landed.

[scrublord]

That's so cute - who knew I was a feminist? I think you can tell from these posts that I like men. I don't have a feminist agenda at all. That is super out of left field.

 

 

Hugging. Please read back. That is not a big deal. I hug people all the time. This week, I have hugged a county supervisor, the school superintendent , and a City Councilman. Hugging men is just not a thing at all in my world.

 

 

Going to lunch with my high school boyfriend and his girlfriend is not a big deal either. I have been married for more than 20 years and my husband was invited to go with all of us.

 

Look at who I was quoting. You are really cute as it seems you lack reading comprehension. Also, you were hi5ing each other several pages back spouting feminist bull, so by association you are supporting it.

 

Also, it is very clear what things are no big deal in your world since you have no boundaries so you don't need to tell us that. You're another one of those people who think going around hugging everyone of the opposite gender is a good thing to do (just because a lot of people with no boundaries say it's okay doesn't mean it is, and no, you are not a special snowflake that can have male friends, - case in point, you have deceived your husband) and will do so because you 'can't' stop because it is making a scene/impolite even if there is obvious flirtation going on behind the scenes. You already ***ked ur husband over with an emotional affair. Stop acting all innocent.

 

Going to lunch with a high school ex, especially with both their spouses is NOT cool in any normal universe. Obviously there is some deception going on here on either side where history between you wasn't completely explained - 'just an old high school friend'. Please organise this bet right now with my life savings.

Edited February 10, 2016 by scrublord

[RRM321]

Going to lunch with a high school ex, especially with both their spouses is NOT cool in any normal universe. Obviously there is some deception going on here on either side where history between you wasn't completely explained - 'just an old high school friend'. Please organise this bet right now with my life savings.

 

I can accept her description that everyone was in the know, however I think it is a manipulative and cruel thing to do to her spouse and the old flame's GF. I am not surprised that while invited - the husband chose not to attend.

 

I would also credit the husband with not being totally in the dark. Her behavior really stands out - and I think he recognizes her need for drama and attempts to manipulate by constantly reminding him how easily she can wander.

 

Maybe this dynamic is what makes this marriage work, or perhaps it's a toss up as to which will occur first - her affair or his tiring of the manipulation.

[stillafool]

All of these pages and the only thing I see is a desperate woman who is so needy for attention from men other than her husband. I don't know if it's the fear of growing old and needing reassurance that she's still desirable or just a person who is full of malice. I would definitely advise full therapy to get to the root of her neediness before she destroys her life. If she were to become available (through divorce) it is very doubtful that this man would want her.

[fireflywy]

*Scratches head*

 

This thread is still going on? I thought you were out of the danger zone but you posted on February 4th?

 

Hmmmm....

[jenny2013]

All of these pages and the only thing I see is a desperate woman who is so needy for attention from men other than her husband. I don't know if it's the fear of growing old and needing reassurance that she's still desirable or just a person who is full of malice. I would definitely advise full therapy to get to the root of her neediness before she destroys her life. If she were to become available (through divorce) it is very doubtful that this man would want her.

 

 

 

Thanks to all of you for your loving support. I am actually not a narcissistic person (you can look that word up stillafool) but as I have said 19000 times, I am trying to figure out why I had feelings for someone else. I do not need attention, I'm not feeling old, and am not full of malice.

 

 

I hope you all feel good about making judgments about people that you don't; know online that are lookijg for HELP.

[fireflywy]

We thought you had it all figured out though. Do you?

 

If you don't, I think the time to assess is over and either extricate yourself from it or leave your spouse who doesn't appear to have the ability to keep you from the wayward considerations.

[jenny2013]

Thanks to all of you for your loving support. I am actually not a narcissistic person (you can look that word up stillafool) but as I have said 19000 times, I am trying to figure out why I had feelings for someone else. I do not need attention, I'm not feeling old, and am not full of malice.

 

 

I hope you all feel good about making judgments about people that you don't; know online that are lookijg for HELP.

 

 

 

 

Not to be incendiary here, but I have really been dwelling on this. There is nothing wrong with hugging someone of the opposite sex. Nothing. You people may be from different cultures, or states, or religions, but where I am from, we hug all the time. So calm down. No one reads into a hug like you all do. It is JUST A HUG.

[fireflywy]

Not to be incendiary here, but I have really been dwelling on this. There is nothing wrong with hugging someone of the opposite sex. Nothing. You people may be from different cultures, or states, or religions, but where I am from, we hug all the time. So calm down. No one reads into a hug like you all do. It is JUST A HUG.

 

And yet you catalog it. Every action in this situation means something as long as there are thoughts of attraction.

 

In any other situation, a hug is just a hug. Not in your case.

 

The reason people are judging you about this is because 1. You haven't dealt with it even though you claim to have 2. You deny things of meaning (as I noted above.) 3. You don't seem to want to take STRONG, sure steps to step away which so many have provided.

 

In short, your ultimate answer to your question is YOU.

Edited February 16, 2016 by fireflywy