sigh. crush on married friend/boss

[jenny2013]

Well, your words don't match your actions. If things are so "incredible" then why not save it? If things are so "incredible" with your husband and he's your friend, why won't you trust in that incredibleness and come clean with your thoughts so you can work through this thing with the "incedible" strength of your mutual love?

 

Obviously, things aren't "incredible" and if I knew you, perhaps the only "incredible" id see is what you project. After all, you DID say you can't tell anyone else so obviously the "incredible" is image only.

 

The paradise forests on "Incredible Island" are burning....

 

Um, that is what I am trying to do. No actions so far.

[fireflywy]

Um, that is what I am trying to do. No actions so far.

 

Sure. If that's what you think. I already addresssed this point in an earlier post. Hanging out with a man you're attracted to, seek attention from, probably kiss, keeping it from your husband, and not distancing yourself, ARE actions. Bad ones.

 

You aren't trying to do anything.

 

Avoid this stuff as you wish, deny it as much as you want, but your marriage is over if you keep this up.

 

Sigh.

 

Anyway. I really am done here but I leave you with a parting task: I want you to write a post here about all of the things you absolutely LOVE about your husband. Do it with deep details and affection (not just I love him, he's my best friend, good provider, etc, etc). Write out your best memories, specific moments, things you absolutely TREASURE about him. Then write out all of the things you would miss from this man if you mess this stuff up. Maybe if you focus on him, your lighthouse in my previous post you ignored, you'll feel emotions for him that you've been neglecting because your focus is selfishly on this other jackass.

Edited July 29, 2015 by fireflywy

[TaraMaiden2]

I am happy to answer your questions/theory. Could you link back to them?

 

Page 4 post #53.

You wanted the 'why'. I gave you it.

Seems the more you have added, the nearer the knuckle my 'theory' has come....

[OldRover]

Sure. If that's what you think. I already addresssed this point in an earlier post. Hanging out with a man you're attracted to, seek attention from, probably kiss, keeping it from your husband, and not distancing yourself, ARE actions. Bad ones.

 

You aren't trying to do anything.

 

Avoid this stuff as you wish, deny it as much as you want, but your marriage is over if you keep this up.

 

Sigh.

 

Anyway. I really am done here but I leave you with a parting task: I want you to write a post here about all of the things you absolutely LOVE about your husband. Do it with deep details and affection (not just I love him, he's my best friend, good provider, etc, etc). Write out your best memories, specific moments, things you absolutely TREASURE about him. Then write out all of the things you would miss from this man if you mess this stuff up. Maybe if you focus on him, your lighthouse in my previous post you ignored, you'll feel emotions for him that you've been neglecting because your focus is selfishly on this other jackass.

 

Fire,

 

FWIW, we really don't know that the other guy is a jackass. There's nothing to indicate that here, so inappropriate to refer to him as one. He has not posted at all and we don't know his situation.

[TaraMaiden2]

Fire,

 

FWIW, we really don't know that the other guy is a jackass. There's nothing to indicate that here, so inappropriate to refer to him as one. He has not posted at all and we don't know his situation.

 

Actually, I DO have to agree with this.

Particularly as far from appearing to encourage the OP, he is deliberately withdrawing even innocent PDsA .....

[stillafool]

And I know you don't know me, and think otherwise. But I won't be there. I wish you all well.

 

Wish you well too. Goodbye.

[fireflywy]

Fire,

 

FWIW, we really don't know that the other guy is a jackass. There's nothing to indicate that here, so inappropriate to refer to him as one. He has not posted at all and we don't know his situation.

 

I am using those words on purpose. In no way did i want to give the OP the ability to continue to idealize or project more virtues onto this man to carry out her fantasy and attraction. So it was a conscious decision on my part.

 

In the end, I have only the words of the OP about this guy and if I was HIS spouse, I would personally have questions about their interactions as well regardless of their current "friendship" status. I think there is some funny stuff going on with him as well. I mean one minute we tell her that this guy can probably pick up on her angst, she says her husband is beginning to notice, but this other guy is now coming over to the HOUSE, nearly a month early (he's on the clock, she's still on vacation) to talk work? I'm in education and I have a hard time believing that he and she would be the ONLY ones in an office and I go to 40 schools and admin. There are NEVER just two people there in MY experience nor would it be limited to that during prep. Furthermore, She has seen him nearly everyday with beer meetups and the LIKE, and will see him again today and tomorrow? That's a lot of interaction neighbor or no and I'm curious where his male peer group is.

 

Hmmm...

That's my take anyway. I'm not god, just someone on the internet.

 

*shrug*

 

BUT, with that said, I don't want this to open the door as the OPs chance to bravely, and heroically, defend this guy, or give her the thrill of doing so. It is only investing MORE energy into him and strengthening this bond (as it does in any relationship when we invest energy). I don't really give two cents about this guy. If he wants to defend himself maybe he should come on here. Hell, maybe that would clear all of this up! Lol

 

Right now she needs to defend her husband and her marriage.

 

*shrug*

Edited July 29, 2015 by fireflywy

[Southern Sun]

Trying to be clear here.

 

I love my husband, and am confused by why after 20+ years of marriage I am having "feelings" for another man. I DO NOT plan on acting on them.

 

Do I have thoughts that are improper? Yes. Doesn't everyone?

 

But this is my friend, my nieghbor, and I work for him. Above all, he is my friend. No one else here has ever felt feelings for a friend? There are hundrends of posts here about just that.

 

Jenny, it's kinda like 1 and 1 make 2.

 

You spend a lot of time with a person whom you COULD be sexually attracted to (i.e., it won't happen with another woman if you're not sexually attracted to women, etc.), you are in environments where you see each other at your best (i.e. WORK), you begin sharing certain intimate information or moments, and little by little, feelings develop. If you maintain professional boundaries with people like this, these things don't happen (think of all the other men who were attractive where these feelings have NOT developed...how did you handle THOSE relationships, and how is this one different?). But you are not maintaining professional boundaries. Lines are being crossed. He is dropping by, having a beer at your house. You are having private talks.

 

You keep nurturing them, as you are doing, by entertaining thoughts and fantasies in your own mind, and they will only GROW.

 

You are not having 'feelings' for someone because of some mystical reason, because something is meant to be, or because anything is wrong with your marriage. It's because 1 and 1 make 2.

 

You are simply not upholding proper boundaries and you are letting nature do her thing. And you are very very intrigued by it, enjoying it because you haven't felt like this in a while, thus you are letting it continue. On some level, you want to see where this will go.

 

I promise you, if you don't shut it down, it will not end well. Consider the end, because there will be one.

 

Good luck to you.

[Morro72]

Oh, what the heck, may as well dive in.

 

Anyone considered the possibility that the boss/friend/neighbor/OM-in-training hired OP with the goal of getting into an A? That's the way I've read it from the first post and everything since then has supported this hypothesis. Seems to have worked, too, at least so far.

[OldRover]

Could be, but seems like he's moving a bit slow, if that was the goal.

[jenny2013]

Thanks, Southern Sun. That makes sense to me.

 

 

Fireflywy, I do post on my Facebook page all the things (specific) that I love about my husband. I'd do it here but the specificity of that scares me a bit. For obvious reasons, I need to stay a bit anonymous here.

 

 

Morro72, I agree with Old Rover. If that was his plan, something would have happened by now.

[jenny2013]

And he just brought me a bottle of wine because he thought I'd like it. But then left.

[OldRover]

And he just brought me a bottle of wine because he thought I'd like it. But then left.

 

And you can guess what the next step is.....

[CarrieT]

You have put up NO boundaries with this man whatsoever.

 

Will you tell your husband about the wine?

[jenny2013]

My husband was here when he brought it over.

[CarrieT]

My husband was here when he brought it over.

 

Then it means nothing that you would like it to mean and you are the one reading into it.

[TaraMaiden2]

My husband was here when he brought it over.

 

Then it means nothing that you would like it to mean and you are the one reading into it.

 

...And you still haven't responded to my comments; I gave you the link to the post in question.

But this little episode (above) tells me you're living in #1, Cloud-cuckooLand Lane, and are using a fuelled fantasy to colour your boring, suburban days with a little bit of imaginary daring.

 

You SOOO need to talk to your husband about how you can both make your marriage more scintillating....

[jenny2013]

Tara, I think the gist of your question is what am I doing about it.

 

 

To be honest, I am not doing all that I can. Let me tell you what I am not doing.

 

 

I am not quitting my job. In a weird way, I think doing that would make it worse. I see him maybe 10-20 minutes a day at work, and if I wasn't at work I might seek him out more. And not having the boss/employee thing might be easier to justify.

 

 

Many of you will say I use that as a justification, but remember, he is my neighbor. And has been my friend for 10+ years, and we have the same friends. Our kids go to school togteher. I see him regardless.

 

 

What I AM doing is limiting the emailing/texting. Trying to keep it professional for work things.

 

 

I am having very good conversations with my husband (as I always do), and am honest with him with everything about my friend except for my feelings for him. Which, as I have said, are waining.

 

 

I agree, a little fantasy to keep me out of my (apparently boring) suburban lifestyle. That I NEVER acted upon. I just wanted support that others may have been there and worked through it.

[jenny2013]

And I think what it really is, it's not my marriage that is boring, that my life kind of is. That is what I really need to work on. Goddamned ennui.

[TaraMaiden2]

And I think what it really is, it's not my marriage that is boring, that my life kind of is. That is what I really need to work on. Goddamned ennui.

 

NOW we're getting somewhere!!

 

So: consider what aspects of your life are 'ennui'. (good word, BtW....)

 

Can you make those less boring?

 

Or can you ramp up in the areas that aren't, and compensate?

 

Believe me, truly, I can honestly equate.

Which prompted my suggestion of it, in the first place...

[OldRover]

Jenny,

 

Yes, you need to ramp up you life and get this guy out of your mind. You're clearly not there, and I don't believe you're heading that way. I'd be that if you continue just as you are you'll soon be in his bed. With your situation that would be a mess.

 

There's tons of things to do to ramp up at home..... just be creative a bit. Remodle your home, go on some mini romantic overnights with your husband, take up a new activity (preferably with your husband), like a new sport, tennis, golf, whatever, canoeing, hiking..... something, even if you don't like it at first and have to try something else.

 

You really need to get this guy TOTALLY out of your mind, and you're not headed that way now, and I don't thing we need to read your post on the OM/OW section.

[Morro72]

And I think what it really is, it's not my marriage that is boring, that my life kind of is. That is what I really need to work on. Goddamned ennui.

I've never been sure how accurate Esther Perel's views of infidelity are, but she seems to have got your situation pretty much nailed:

 

Sometimes, we seek the gaze of another not because we reject our partner, but because we are tired of ourselves. It isn't our partner we aim to leave, rather the person we've become. Even more than the quest for a new lover we want a new self.

The question is whether you are going to destroy your husband and your marriage in your quest for a new self.

[fireflywy]

Always be on guard against "The horror of the same old thing."

 

"If they must be Christians, let them at least be Christians with a difference. Substitute for the faith itself some Fashion with a Christian colouring. Work on their horror of the Same Old Thing.

 

The horror of the Same Old Thing is one of the most valuable passions we have produced in the human heart—an endless source of heresies in religion, folly in counsel, infidelity in marriage, and inconstancy in friendship. The humans live in time, and experience reality successively. To experience much of it, therefore, they must experience many different things; in other words, they must experience change. And since they need change, the Enemy (being a hedonist at heart) has made change pleasurable to them, just as He has made eating pleasurable. But since He does not wish them to make change, any more than eating, an end in itself, He has balanced the love of change in them by a love of permanence. He has contrived to gratify both tastes together in the very world He has made, by that union of change and permanence which we call Rhythm. He gives them the seasons, each season different yet every year the same, so that spring is always felt as a novelty yet always as the recurrence of an immemorial theme. He gives them in His Church a spiritual year; they change from a fast to a feast, but it is the same feast as before.

 

Now just as we pick out and exaggerate the pleasure of eating to produce gluttony, so we pick out this natural pleasantness of change and twist it into a demand for absolute novelty."

 

—Screwtape, in The Screwtape Letters by C.S. Lewis (in The Complete C.S. Lewis: Signature Classics, p. 257-258).

 

But I'm glad to hear that you're realizing what's happening. This is the first step in changing course. Stay strong!

Edited August 5, 2015 by fireflywy

[Dutchman1]

Hey jenny, if you find it hard to tell your H, than give his tel. Nr

I Wil be content to spent a international call to help you out.

 

Drive safe to school, and come home before the streetlights go on.

 

 

Dutchman 1

[kgcolonel]

Jenny,

 

 

My heart goes out to you and to your husband. You continually tell us how much you love your husband and how great your M is.....the more this is repeated, the more it begins to "sound" as though you are trying to convince yourself. Actions speak louder that words and the emails, texts etc would suggest that maybe there is some "confusion" as to the direction you truly are headed in this relationship. IMO, the key here should be boundries...I have been in a similar situation in that many years ago, I too was attracted to a buddies wife, (been married to my wife over 30 years and both faithful to each other). Because of this, I had to limit my exposure to my buddies wife i.e. very limited if any hugging, absolutely no one on one meetings for lunches, drinks etc. and only in either a double date or group parties. This should be a boundry you set to "HONOR" the husband and the M you speak so highly about. No judgement just a basic case of re-establishing a boundry especially in light of your "secret" feelings for this friend.

 

 

Secondly, I get the fantasy piece of the equation. Use that to heighten the excitement of your own M with your H. I truly hope you can admit to yourself the damage that these feelings will likely lead to if you do not create actions that will limit the exposure etc.

 

 

Thirdly and last, how would you feel about your H if the roles were reversed? Would you be okay with him meeting one on one for any reason with a "crush" knowing what you know about your situation. HONOR your husband and act in a manner that you speak about how you feel about him and the M.