sigh. crush on married friend/boss

[jenny2013]

We thought you had it all figured out though. Do you?

 

If you don't, I think the time to assess is over and either extricate yourself from it or leave your spouse who doesn't appear to have the ability to keep you from the wayward considerations.

 

I think I do have it figured out. We can be friends (although weirdly close friends) but we have stopped the texting and emailing at night. My husband knows about it.

 

 

@scrublord If you can't go out to lunch with your high school boyfriend/girlfriend there is something wrong with you. He was my friend from a long time ago - how nice it was to reconnect. If your significant other isn';t allowed to do that then you have control issues.

[fireflywy]

No you don't. You are providing updates here because you are still searching or using this place as confessional for misplaced feelings or hoping we condone it. As you can see most of us don't.

 

As for the charge of narcissim that another poster made, I can't say that its that but your first post about wanting someone to find you desireable, and after 17 pages of angst and denials, wouldn't be a COMPLETELY alien conclusion for one to have.

 

Edit: I don't see the narcissist claim other then your use of it. Someone called you needy, which you admitted as much one pagenone post one.

Edited February 16, 2016 by fireflywy

[jenny2013]

And yet you catalog it. Every action in this situation means something as long as there are thoughts of attraction.

 

In any other situation, a hug is just a hug. Not in your case.

 

The reason people are judging you about this is because 1. You haven't dealt with it even though you claim to have 2. You deny things of meaning (as I noted above.) 3. You don't seem to want to take STRONG, sure steps to step away which so many have provided.

 

In short, your ultimate answer to your question is YOU.

 

 

Thank you, fireflywy.

 

 

You are right that the problem is me.

 

 

I think I have said that since the beginning of these gazillion pages.

 

 

I'm here for help, and I get pissy when people say I am manipulative and cruel, etc. These are things that are just nor true about me. I am actually a nice person who has done ZERO wrong.

[fireflywy]

Thank you, fireflywy.

 

 

You are right that the problem is me.

 

 

I think I have said that since the beginning of these gazillion pages.

 

 

I'm here for help, and I get pissy when people say I am manipulative and cruel, etc. These are things that are just nor true about me. I am actually a nice person who has done ZERO wrong.

 

That's not true. You ARE doing things wrong. You're doing a TON of things wrong. Saying you arent, is another denial. Have you told your husband your attraction yet as others have recommended and let him quash it?

[jenny2013]

No you don't. You are providing updates here because you are still searching or using this place as confessional for misplaced feelings or hoping we condone it. As you can see most of us don't.

 

As for the charge of narcissim that another poster made, I can't say that its that but your first post about wanting someone to find you desireable, and after 17 pages of angst and denials, wouldn't be a COMPLETELY alien conclusion for one to have.

 

Edit: I don't see the narcissist claim other then your use of it. Someone called you needy, which you admitted as much one pagenone post one.

 

 

Sorry to bother you.

[fireflywy]

Going to sound stern here but...

Sorry you get annoyed at being called manipulative and cruel but if the shoe fits.....

 

Here's how. You are having an emotional affair with your interactions with your boss which STILL go beyond your work. This is cruel to your husband (even if he condones what are supposed to be the mundane actions which you catalog here I.e. encounters which continue your angst) and are destructive to your bond in your marriage.

 

You deny that you are doing anything wrong and manipulate these interactions to being of no consequence (and they WOULD be in a non attracted situation) against everyone elses views here.

 

Telling us that you agree its you while taking no action to completely fix what YOU are doing is, in itself a manipulation which basically says "Yeah. I need sympathy. Help me... but I don't care what you say, I'm not going to stop action y."

 

Sigh.

Edited February 16, 2016 by fireflywy

[fireflywy]

Sorry to bother you.

 

Don't worry about me. You're the one going through the mental anguish and mental hell of your own volition. I and other posters, even though stern, are trying to help you get out of it with sure steps which will work if you DO them.

[TaraMaiden2]

I stopped contributing ages ago.

I just think jenny is attracted by the feeling of being attracted.

It adds a certain 'je ne sais quoi' to daily hum-drum living.

 

It's not enough to catapult anything into a dangerous physical extreme, but it's enough to be fun and noteworthy.

A purgatory between two realms, if you will.

 

A step either way would solve the issue one way or the other.

 

Jeesh... and here I am, contributing.....

[candycane82]

If you haven't stopped by now you should. I've been in that situation. One of my best friends while in the military - and probably my best friend ever - he and I ended up having an affair. When I very first met him at my first duty station, I was attracted to him immediately...until I saw the wedding ring. That squashed that quick. We became friends and were very platonic. I thought of him like a brother. I hung out with him and his wife and their kids. Then we deployed...and we got closer during the deployment. We were always hanging out after shifts. Talked about everything. He helped me get over an ex. He constantly hit on me and I would tell him no, you're married. He would say "What if I wasn't?" I said doesn't matter you are. I started to have feelings about halfway through but I fought it and fought it until right before we came home and he kissed me. I only felt that with one other person in my life. I was mad at him and mad at myself.

 

 

After we got home, he came over one day and it went even farther. The next day I gave him, his wife and their then one kid a ride to the airport for block leave or Christmas or something. His wife hugged me before they left. I cried the entire way back to base. But every so often we'd hook up over the next year and a half until I deployed again. His wife almost found out when I sent him an email he asked for...it didn't have names. It was a generic story and I told her after she emailed me that it wasn't about him and he loves her and their then 2 kids and all this. I really should've just said f* off and stopped talking to him too and told her they have the most messed up relationship because they do. They seem to get along better when he was deployed or when he was in Korea.

 

 

Then he made up a separate email since she had access to the other one. We would email or chat on Yahoo while I was deployed. Then he deployed a few months after I did and was at my base for a few weeks into my deployment. We met up. Not gonna lie he's the best sex I've ever had in my life.

 

 

Then after we both redeployed he PCSed. I PCSed. He got out of the Army. We haven't emailed in a very long time. I did at one point tell him we should stop talking to each other and it wasn't right and I am not just side ass.

 

 

I did feel crappy and I felt like a slut but it happened and can't change it. So before you get to that point and lose a lot more, you should just stop and tell the other guy you can't be friends unless it's just friends and just tell your husband about it. I lost my best friend because of crap like this. I could tell him more than I ever told my childhood best friend who I still talk to...and she's known me forever. It sucks.

[SSJROMANCE]

This is how most affairs begin. Innocent. Then it builds and builds and builds. An old friend of mine started the same way. Over time her boss and her were spending more and more time on business. Then the txts came. Then the flirting. Then the affair. Stop while you can. It won't end well.

[RRM321]

On the other hand, just cut to the chase.

Ask you're husband if you can sleep with the guy.

See how cool he is with that.

 

Jenny2013, you're not fooling anyone. You can't possibly be that naive.

[whichwayisup]

Thank you, fireflywy.

 

 

You are right that the problem is me.

 

 

I think I have said that since the beginning of these gazillion pages.

 

 

I'm here for help, and I get pissy when people say I am manipulative and cruel, etc. These are things that are just nor true about me. I am actually a nice person who has done ZERO wrong.

 

You let a crush get out of control and took it to another level by investing in it and emailing/texting him. Just a question, how would you feel if your husband was befriending and crushing on another woman, emailing her at night and getting to know her, investing in her etc. My guess is, you wouldn't like it and feel it would be totally inappropriate and you'd feel hurt too.

 

Glad that has stopped, the emailing etc. Time to just invest in your husband and forget about your crush.

[jenny2013]

I stopped contributing ages ago.

I just think jenny is attracted by the feeling of being attracted.

It adds a certain 'je ne sais quoi' to daily hum-drum living.

 

It's not enough to catapult anything into a dangerous physical extreme, but it's enough to be fun and noteworthy.

A purgatory between two realms, if you will.

 

A step either way would solve the issue one way or the other.

 

Jeesh... and here I am, contributing.....

 

 

Hi Tara, Nice to "see" you!

 

 

I love your analysis of me. It really helps, and I think it is generally spot on.

 

 

I do think there is part of me that wants to be wanted (not that my husband doesn't want me, but...) but it's maybe the forbidden aspect of it all that is exciting. As I have also said 1000 times here, I don't think my friend would ever act on feelings even if he has them. Which, to be honest, I think he does a little.

 

 

But fun and noteworthy probably sums it up. Which is why it is a bit like purgatory. Just in that weird nowhere land.

Thank you for always being stern, thoughtful and kind, Tara. That's what I was looking for here.

 

 

J

[fireflywy]

Hi Tara, Nice to "see" you!

 

 

I love your analysis of me. It really helps, and I think it is generally spot on.

 

 

I do think there is part of me that wants to be wanted (not that my husband doesn't want me, but...) but it's maybe the forbidden aspect of it all that is exciting. As I have also said 1000 times here, I don't think my friend would ever act on feelings even if he has them. Which, to be honest, I think he does a little.

 

 

But fun and noteworthy probably sums it up. Which is why it is a bit like purgatory. Just in that weird nowhere land.

Thank you for always being stern, thoughtful and kind, Tara. That's what I was looking for here.

 

 

J

 

See. Some validation. Doesn't that feel better? Don't take any action, don't try and be a better person now that you know the root cause. Just GO with it. Purgatory is so nice to be in when your pondering another man while married to your husbandisn't it? Go for it girl! High five!

[kgcolonel]

See. Some validation. Doesn't that feel better? Don't take any action, don't try and be a better person now that you know the root cause. Just GO with it. Purgatory is so nice to be in when your pondering another man while married to your husbandisn't it? Go for it girl! High five!

 

Huh??? Is this encouragement for her to continue to risk her marriage and betray her husband? Really hope not!!!?

[RRM321]

I think if her husband ever finds and reads this thread the issue of it being physical or not will be a moot point. He'll know that his wife is not as open as he believed and he is not as close to her as he assumed. His trust and sense of security will both be shaken, and the slow smoldering of the marriage begins.

 

For the EA, the ante necessarily must increase and it will eventually become physical. Novelty and variety are basic human needs and as the quandary over innocent hugs becomes mundane the stakes will get bigger and the dares more overt.

 

Question: If today, where nothing physical has occurred - if your husband with full-on insecurity accused you of cheating with this man, using existing text records and meeting times/places, would you defend yourself to him using the same arguments you have here?

Edited February 17, 2016 by RRM321

[fireflywy]

Huh??? Is this encouragement for her to continue to risk her marriage and betray her husband? Really hope not!!!

 

Why not? That's what she seems to want isn't it? No amount of reason, no suggestions for a course change, no pleadings for her to stop this, and her own defensiveness about all it aren't helping. So why not continue to let her be selfish and speed her along to what she REALLY wants in the other man? In the process let's free her husband from a loveless marriage so he can find someone worthy of him. Her refusal to step away from this and save her marriage at all costs and by any means is indicative that perhaps she isn't.

 

I was being sarcastic in the post you referenced btw.

Edited February 17, 2016 by fireflywy

[jenny2013]

I think if her husband ever finds and reads this thread the issue of it being physical or not will be a moot point. He'll know that his wife is not as open as he believed and he is not as close to her as he assumed. His trust and sense of security will both be shaken, and the slow smoldering of the marriage begins.

 

For the EA, the ante necessarily must increase and it will eventually become physical. Novelty and variety are basic human needs and as the quandary over innocent hugs becomes mundane the stakes will get bigger and the dares more overt.

 

Question: If today, where nothing physical has occurred - if your husband with full-on insecurity accused you of cheating with this man, using existing text records and meeting times/places, would you defend yourself to him using the same arguments you have here?

 

 

My husband has full access to my phone and text messages. He knows when I am with him. I tell him. Nothing has happened physically, and I have no feelings for him other than friendship anymore.

[jenny2013]

Why not? That's what she seems to want isn't it? No amount of reason, no suggestions for a course change, no pleadings for her to stop this, and her own defensiveness about all it aren't helping. So why not continue to let her be selfish and speed her along to what she REALLY wants in the other man? In the process let's free her husband from a loveless marriage so he can find someone worthy of him. Her refusal to step away from this and save her marriage at all costs and by any means is indicative that perhaps she isn't.

 

I was being sarcastic in the post you referenced btw.

 

I would say a huge course change is that I do not text/email him at night, which seemed to be the main root of my feelings/problems. On my side, that is done, and quite purposefully.

 

 

And I have no feelings for him (my friend) anymore. I am in a love filled marriage, and am happy with that.

[fireflywy]

I would say a huge course change is that I do not text/email him at night, which seemed to be the main root of my feelings/problems. On my side, that is done, and quite purposefully.

 

 

And I have no feelings for him (my friend) anymore. I am in a love filled marriage, and am happy with that.

 

Uh....Maybe?

 

An 18 page thread about attraction to your boss and constantly hanging out with him, struggles to break away from your attraction while still desiring and continuing to share his company while in said love filled marriage, certainly had ME scratching my head. I think some of your work colleagues, as you noted, wondered the same.

Edited March 19, 2016 by fireflywy

[jenny2013]

I'm sorry that people reacted to my original post, and that it went on for months. I am thankful that people helped me through the feelings that I had. That is what I came here for.