What inspires men to approach a woman?

[Phoe]

There's very few guys out there that want the girl that would date any guy out there.

 

Do you think you come across as desperate?

 

I mean, I read post from you about how you're not looking for much...and in your case, I actually believe it. I think you even posted before that you'd date just about any guy that would ask you out. This is not actually a good selling point for most guys unless they got absolutely nothing going on for themselves.

 

For someone who knew my inner thoughts, absolutely that would be off-putting.

 

But I don't discuss my dating life IRL. That's private. I don't share any details with anyone I know.

 

Nobody who knows me has ever had a conversation with me about my standards, preferences, etc. None of them hear about my dating woes. None of them know whether I am or am not dating someone, unless someone blatantly asks me and I say "no" and I get the "wow, really? why?" and then I have to divert the topic lol.

 

Even my own mother thinks that the only reason I never date is because I'm "too picky". She assumes I am often turning men away. I don't have the heart to tell her that men just aren't interested in me.

 

And especially strangers, would never get a glimpse of my life, to know about my standards.

 

But I agree with you. No man would be thrilled to be with a girl who is happy with any nice guy. It would not feel special..

 

But I don't know how to raise my standards. I don't know how to pretend to care about things that really mean nothing to me.

[Chris715]

For someone who knew my inner thoughts, absolutely that would be off-putting.

 

But I don't discuss my dating life IRL. That's private. I don't share any details with anyone I know.

 

Nobody who knows me has ever had a conversation with me about my standards, preferences, etc. None of them hear about my dating woes. None of them know whether I am or am not dating someone, unless someone blatantly asks me and I say "no" and I get the "wow, really? why?" and then I have to divert the topic lol.

 

Even my own mother thinks that the only reason I never date is because I'm "too picky". She assumes I am often turning men away. I don't have the heart to tell her that men just aren't interested in me.

 

And especially strangers, would never get a glimpse of my life, to know about my standards.

 

But I agree with you. No man would be thrilled to be with a girl who is happy with any nice guy. It would not feel special..

 

But I don't know how to raise my standards. I don't know how to pretend to care about things that really mean nothing to me.

 

You must be picky about SOMETHING with guys? Their looks? Their personality? How smart they are? I think it's good to be willing to give a lot of different people a chance but setting some standards for yourself, and sticking to them, can be good. I've struggled with this too with women and for me it's come from self esteem and confidence issues and a whole other host of things. When I think that lowly of myself I tend to think "I will be lucky if any girl will take me" and my standards lower. I've been getting better with it lately, an ongoing process

[Phoe]

You must be picky about SOMETHING with guys? Their looks? Their personality? How smart they are? I think it's good to be willing to give a lot of different people a chance but setting some standards for yourself, and sticking to them, can be good. I've struggled with this too with women and for me it's come from self esteem and confidence issues and a whole other host of things. When I think that lowly of myself I tend to think "I will be lucky if any girl will take me" and my standards lower. I've been getting better with it lately, an ongoing process

 

Definitely don't care about looks or height at all.

 

If a guy keeps groomed and has good hygiene, that's all I need in the physical department. Please don't dress like a hobo, that would be appreciated. Wearing clean clothes definitely is nice...

 

Personality? I like nice and friendly. Don't be a jerk. Don't be abusive or manipulative. I don't like cold, snide remarks. Not having mental illness definitely is pretty much required. Mentally Stable person please.

 

Intelligence? I really enjoy talking with intelligent men, but an average level is sufficient. Dumb as a doornail is hard for me to really talk with. Luckily, dumb as a doornail have a hard time talking with me as well, so that never would get anywhere anyway.

 

I used to not care about a job, but now I'd say in 99% of cases a job is a necessity. Solely because I need a man to be able to pay his own bills. I don't want to be handing out money and paying bills for a boyfriend when I make far less than him. Never again.

 

One of my exes was jobless and homeless, but was self-sufficient. I never had to do things for him. He took care of himself. If I knew a man was totally self-sufficient despite being jobless, that would be different, but that's a 1% type of situation. In all other 99% of cases, a man needs to support himself.

 

That's it! That's all I require.

 

As a preference, I would like it if he had a high sex drive and was interested in giving me sexual pleasure, but it's not a requirement. If everything else is golden in my requirements categories, a lack of sex can be overlooked.

[Chris715]

Definitely don't care about looks or height at all.

 

If a guy keeps groomed and has good hygiene, that's all I need in the physical department. Please don't dress like a hobo, that would be appreciated. Wearing clean clothes definitely is nice...

 

Personality? I like nice and friendly. Don't be a jerk. Don't be abusive or manipulative. I don't like cold, snide remarks. Not having mental illness definitely is pretty much required. Mentally Stable person please.

 

Intelligence? I really enjoy talking with intelligent men, but an average level is sufficient. Dumb as a doornail is hard for me to really talk with. Luckily, dumb as a doornail have a hard time talking with me as well, so that never would get anywhere anyway.

 

I used to not care about a job, but now I'd say in 99% of cases a job is a necessity. Solely because I need a man to be able to pay his own bills. I don't want to be handing out money and paying bills for a boyfriend when I make far less than him. Never again.

 

One of my exes was jobless and homeless, but was self-sufficient. I never had to do things for him. He took care of himself. If I knew a man was totally self-sufficient despite being jobless, that would be different, but that's a 1% type of situation. In all other 99% of cases, a man needs to support himself.

 

That's it! That's all I require.

 

As a preference, I would like it if he had a high sex drive and was interested in giving me sexual pleasure, but it's not a requirement. If everything else is golden in my requirements categories, a lack of sex can be overlooked.

Those seem like pretty reasonable requirements, maybe even a little lower than average because I'd imagine most women care about looks at least a little bit. Go get 'em!

[Popsicle]

are you of a different race than that girl or these guys?

[hotpotato]

Maybe you should find more macho men

[compulsivedancer]

For someone who knew my inner thoughts, absolutely that would be off-putting.

 

But I don't discuss my dating life IRL. That's private. I don't share any details with anyone I know.

 

Nobody who knows me has ever had a conversation with me about my standards, preferences, etc. None of them hear about my dating woes. None of them know whether I am or am not dating someone, unless someone blatantly asks me and I say "no" and I get the "wow, really? why?" and then I have to divert the topic lol.

 

Even my own mother thinks that the only reason I never date is because I'm "too picky". She assumes I am often turning men away. I don't have the heart to tell her that men just aren't interested in me.

 

And especially strangers, would never get a glimpse of my life, to know about my standards.

 

But I agree with you. No man would be thrilled to be with a girl who is happy with any nice guy. It would not feel special..

 

But I don't know how to raise my standards. I don't know how to pretend to care about things that really mean nothing to me.

 

So you're getting friend zoned AND guys are assuming you wouldn't be interested because you don't talk about dating.

 

Apparently there's an easy solution to this, though. Just add some Xs at the end of your emails: It started with a kiss... How use of X's in texts and emails spark more than a half of office affairs | Daily Mail Online

[SaraSnow]

I was approached by my ex in the street. I assumed it was my natural beauty and allure...

 

A few months into the relationship, I asked him what had inspired him. turns out, he liked my butt. I kid you not.

 

Essentially, he asked my bum out.

[compulsivedancer]

I was approached by my ex in the street. I assumed it was my natural beauty and allure...

 

A few months into the relationship, I asked him what had inspired him. turns out, he liked my butt. I kid you not.

 

Essentially, he asked my bum out.

 

My French partner in college got to know me because apparently I had a thong hanging out of my pants the day he met me. Not the one I was wearing - dirty laundry! He thought this meant I was a fun, crazy chick. Actually, it meant that I throw my dirty clothes on the floor and don't wash my jeans every time I wear them.

 

Two guy friends from college were both interested in me because I gave them the time of day. Neither were guys that girls usually start conversations with. One of them thought I looked like Jena Malone in Donnie Darko, which was one of his favorite movies, so that was also a boost.

 

On another note, I've never been approached by as many random guys as when I was reading a Neil Gaiman book on a college campus. Of course, they were all nerdier guys and usually lost steam after they asked if I'd read the Sandman comics and I said "no." So if you aren't picky about your guys...Neil Gaiman, but read Sandman first.

Edited January 30, 2015 by compulsivedancer

[melodymatters]

I do have pastel flats and sandals, so that works out!

 

 

 

I often wonder if I laugh and smile TOO MUCH irl. I'm always laughing. I'm naturally silly and lighthearted. I worry that people think I'm some sort of weirdo the way I go around laughing and smiling at all sorts of things!

 

 

But yes, I get the crinkly eyes. It's one thing I always hated in my photos.

 

First of all I'd like to say I agree with everyone that you come across as a genuinely great person here on the ol' shack ! I looked at your profile pics and agree also that you are ABOVE average looking. Because you have strong features my only thought was that if you didn't smile much you might come off looking b*tchy but it seems thats not the case either. Smiling and eye contact is the #1 attractor in my opinion.

 

The ONLY thing I can think of is your location. I lived in South Florida and got hit on constantly. Moved to Manhattan where I did theater and where there were models on every corner and I still got hit on all of the time. THEN I moved to Hollywood CA to be with my first husband and BAM, the girl that used to have men following her to say " I just had to tell you how beautiful you are" became freaking invisible ! I swear even if they weren't beautiful " out of the box" everything got fixed and improved to the point of perfection, plastic surgery was as common as getting your teeth cleaned !

 

Unless you have some sort of weird curse hanging over your head, I would say changing your location would be the number one way to go from being invisible to beating them off with a stick. Alaska especially has a high male to female ratio, but honestly, ANYWHERE but So Cal and I think your dating life will do a quick 180 !

 

Best of luck sweetheart, keep your chin up, save some money and get out of Barbie Land !

[Phoe]

First of all I'd like to say I agree with everyone that you come across as a genuinely great person here on the ol' shack ! I looked at your profile pics and agree also that you are ABOVE average looking. Because you have strong features my only thought was that if you didn't smile much you might come off looking b*tchy but it seems thats not the case either. Smiling and eye contact is the #1 attractor in my opinion.

 

The ONLY thing I can think of is your location. I lived in South Florida and got hit on constantly. Moved to Manhattan where I did theater and where there were models on every corner and I still got hit on all of the time. THEN I moved to Hollywood CA to be with my first husband and BAM, the girl that used to have men following her to say " I just had to tell you how beautiful you are" became freaking invisible ! I swear even if they weren't beautiful " out of the box" everything got fixed and improved to the point of perfection, plastic surgery was as common as getting your teeth cleaned !

 

Unless you have some sort of weird curse hanging over your head, I would say changing your location would be the number one way to go from being invisible to beating them off with a stick. Alaska especially has a high male to female ratio, but honestly, ANYWHERE but So Cal and I think your dating life will do a quick 180 !

 

Best of luck sweetheart, keep your chin up, save some money and get out of Barbie Land !

 

Wow, so you have firsthand experience of being in different environments and noticing a stark difference.

 

That definitely stands out... that definitely makes sense and has always lingered in my mind, that despite going from a small town, to a big city, back a small town, that because it was ALL in SoCal, none of it made a difference.

 

It was never the population number, it was the atmosphere...

[Phoe]

Thanks everyone who gave advice.

 

I'm definitely wondering where to start, since alot of the suggestions go on opposite sides of the spectrum...

 

From potentially overdressed, to potentially underdressed.

 

From potentially too desperate, to potentially too "hard to get".

 

Hard to say which tweaks in which direction will be the most helpful for me, but I'm trying to create a combination of all of them, to find a middle ground.

 

I am focusing on looking my best, without being overdone. Focusing on looking as feminine as possible, without sacrificing my personal comfort levels. Focusing on projecting an open and welcoming, yet discerning vibe. And most of all not deviating from what makes me, me.

 

I'm tailoring my wardrobe down further. Considering donating some shoes that aren't particularly necessary. I have a pair of mint green sneakers that I'm considering parting with. A little too unisex, and not quite feminine or soft enough, and perhaps a bit too "young" for me. Replace them with some nice flats. Equally comfortable, but more stylish and feminine.

 

Also still looking into a dress or two, and am waking up 10 minutes earlier in the morning so that I can put that extra touch or two into my makeup and hair.

 

It'll be a bit of an experiment!

[CrystalCastles]

Thanks everyone who gave advice.

 

I'm definitely wondering where to start, since alot of the suggestions go on opposite sides of the spectrum...

 

From potentially overdressed, to potentially underdressed.

 

From potentially too desperate, to potentially too "hard to get".

 

Hard to say which tweaks in which direction will be the most helpful for me, but I'm trying to create a combination of all of them, to find a middle ground.

 

I am focusing on looking my best, without being overdone. Focusing on looking as feminine as possible, without sacrificing my personal comfort levels. Focusing on projecting an open and welcoming, yet discerning vibe. And most of all not deviating from what makes me, me.

 

I'm tailoring my wardrobe down further. Considering donating some shoes that aren't particularly necessary. I have a pair of mint green sneakers that I'm considering parting with. A little too unisex, and not quite feminine or soft enough, and perhaps a bit too "young" for me. Replace them with some nice flats. Equally comfortable, but more stylish and feminine.

 

Also still looking into a dress or two, and am waking up 10 minutes earlier in the morning so that I can put that extra touch or two into my makeup and hair.

 

It'll be a bit of an experiment!

 

Bottom line, just be you. Change things only if you want to, or if you feel it makes you a better person.

[Snowman219]

I was staring at your butt when you weren't looking so there...

[Gaeta]

I remember this one spring day I was home painting when I ran out of something. I did a quick run to the store. I was in flat shoes, old jeans, dirty t-shirt, sweaty, my hair up in a half-done pony tail and I got out of there with some guy busyness card and an invite to grab a coffee with him.

 

This other time it was casual Friday at the office so I had dressed in jeans and some plain top, while at our building coffee shop I got approached by some guy.

 

Every day I dress up for the office, pant suit, skirt suit, high heels, make up, hair done, and I NEVER get hit on when I am made up.

 

Conclusion: Be yourself, be simple = be approachable

[Noproblem]

Every comment now and then says they saw you, except for me, now I am curious -_-

[CrystalCastles]

I remember this one spring day I was home painting when I ran out of something. I did a quick run to the store. I was in flat shoes, old jeans, dirty t-shirt, sweaty, my hair up in a half-done pony tail and I got out of there with some guy busyness card and an invite to grab a coffee with him.

 

This other time it was casual Friday at the office so I had dressed in jeans and some plain top, while at our building coffee shop I got approached by some guy.

 

Every day I dress up for the office, pant suit, skirt suit, high heels, make up, hair done, and I NEVER get hit on when I am made up.

 

Conclusion: Be yourself, be simple = be approachable

 

Yep same. I got asked out at the gym a few times when I was in the middle of a workout. I was sweaty, hair was a mess, no makeup, wearing old clothes. Guys don't really care about that if they're attracted to you and want to get to know you. Plus I'm sure a woman working out and getting fit is hot to a man who values fitness.

[LookAtThisPOst]

Yep same. I got asked out at the gym a few times when I was in the middle of a workout. I was sweaty, hair was a mess, no makeup, wearing old clothes. Guys don't really care about that if they're attracted to you and want to get to know you. Plus I'm sure a woman working out and getting fit is hot to a man who values fitness.

 

Yeah, I don't get the whole, "My hair is in a mess and I'm sweaty to be approached by a man".

 

Men don't care.

[compulsivedancer]

Yep same. I got asked out at the gym a few times when I was in the middle of a workout. I was sweaty, hair was a mess, no makeup, wearing old clothes. Guys don't really care about that if they're attracted to you and want to get to know you. Plus I'm sure a woman working out and getting fit is hot to a man who values fitness.

 

...or the guy likes her sweaty.

[Phoe]

I trimmed my hair, and woke up early this morning to style it and put makeup on. I wore concealer, blush, and light pink eyeshadow with black winged eyeliner and mascara.

 

I wore a blue and white striped top, white skinny pants, and black flats. I think it was an okay try.

 

I donated some shoes that weren't doing me any good and bought a nice pair of beige flats.

 

A man chatted with me in a store today. Hard to tell whether he was interested, or just looking for someone to chat with, because I think he was high. Seemed pretty stoned out of his mind.

 

But in any case I chatted with him about video games for a few minutes, I made a point of laughing and smiling alot and being enthusiastic about the topic. Then he asked me my name, I told him, and he said "thanks, it was nice talking" and he left.

 

Thoughts?

[TouchedByViolet]

I trimmed my hair, and woke up early this morning to style it and put makeup on. I wore concealer, blush, and light pink eyeshadow with black winged eyeliner and mascara.

 

I wore a blue and white striped top, white skinny pants, and black flats. I think it was an okay try.

 

I donated some shoes that weren't doing me any good and bought a nice pair of beige flats.

 

A man chatted with me in a store today. Hard to tell whether he was interested, or just looking for someone to chat with, because I think he was high. Seemed pretty stoned out of his mind.

 

But in any case I chatted with him about video games for a few minutes, I made a point of laughing and smiling alot and being enthusiastic about the topic. Then he asked me my name, I told him, and he said "thanks, it was nice talking" and he left.

 

Thoughts?

 

He got nervous as a result of your attractiveness and forgot to ask for your number.... For the best because you shouldn't be talking to random guys who appear high... you can do much better.

[Phoe]

He got nervous as a result of your attractiveness and forgot to ask for your number.... For the best because you shouldn't be talking to random guys who appear high... you can do much better.

 

Nervous? Odd.

 

I didn't see any reason not to talk to him. He was nice and didn't mean any harm.

 

I wouldn't want to date him, if indeed he were high, as drug use doesn't work for me, but that doesn't mean I can't have a pleasant chat in a store with him.

 

I couldn't just deem someone as "beneath" me, so to speak, that I am so above them that I cannot even grace them with my words... inconceivable!!

[hotpotato]

Bottom line, just be you. Change things only if you want to, or if you feel it makes you a better person.

 

Ia. I dont think Phoe should do x y and z if its not genuine. She needs a man who will take her as is, which is probably a guy who is very secure in his masculinity.

[gaius]

I am not open for business!

 

I will give : I do flirt. A lot. With everyone.

I've actually seen women that flirt a lot but gave me the impression they weren't really open for business. There are tons of women who flirt with guys they wouldn't touch with a 10 foot pole for one reason or another. Whether it's real or not just kind of depends on the way people instinctively respond to each other really. And you can usually tell within a pretty short amount of time whether it's there or not. I don't have a read on you yet but I'm not surprised Crystal gets hit on in the gym even without makeup on. Same thing with compulsive.

 

Phoe, I don't know, it's kind of a hard thing to suggest how to do since it's so instinctual. Maybe the first step would be to stop focusing on being so polite and just go with what you emotionally want to do. Whatever that is. I notice for instance you pretty much respond to everyone who posts in your thread here. I'm sure there are some posts you find less interesting than others or have to trudge through in order to respond, maybe start by just responding to the ones you want and let the others fall by the wayside. Even if it might end up leaving someone feeling left out. Only dance for others if they do something to stimulate you to.

 

If I see another example of what I'm talking about around here while this thread is still going on I'll try to point it out as an example.

[melodymatters]

I think that was a great first step ! Not because of the shoes or the eyeliner, but because you are changing up your energy, your vibe, and putting up an "Open for Business" sign !

 

I know there are times I was NOT ready ( after widowhood for example) and I know I didn't get hit on as much because my energy was more in " stay away" mode. As SOON as I was ready to date again I started getting asked out all the time and I attribute it to throwing off a new vibe. My current H was my fourth " date" though we worked together and hung out sometimes before that as friends.

 

Good luck, keep up the smiles, the chit chat and wearing things YOU think make you look cute ! A sexy, warm, feminine yet tomboyish girl is a serious catch !