What inspires men to approach a woman?

[Phoe]

You're beautiful in your photos.

 

I was approached the other day in Who pajamas... men's Who pajamas... in public. Which I say not because anyone should dress like me (my intent was to NOT be bothered. And be cozy.) but to say that the intimidation thing really does hold weight.

 

Effort and your looks might scare a lot of men.

 

Who Pajamas! That is awesome.

 

 

In high school and college I definitely put in more effort. I did a full makeup routine, styled my hair either with a flatiron or curling iron, and took care to pick out a particular outfit and have the whole look be nice and put together. EVERY DAY

 

I tried hard.

 

Now that I'm a few years out of college? Nah. I wear full makeup maybe once a week, otherwise I keep my face natural. I either leave my hair down natural (straight) or throw it into an easy ponytail. My outfits are less particular.

 

I find I am much happier now that I am styling myself in an easier and more relaxed way. I don't own many clothes or products now, and just feel like I save so much money and prevent so much stress now that I have simplified my daily routine.

 

But none of it made a difference to men, so I don't know which option would be the more useful. I just stick with what makes me happy instead

[contact1]

I find I am much happier now that I am styling myself in an easier and more relaxed way. I don't own many clothes or products now, and just feel like I save so much money and prevent so much stress now that I have simplified my daily routine.

 

But none of it made a difference to men, so I don't know which option would be the more useful. I just stick with what makes me happy instead

 

I think this is what is most important in the grand scheme of things. From all the posts, threads, advise, etc, doing what makes you happy is the most important. That way when you do have a man approach you that is interested, it'll be for being just Phoe

[Phoe]

sorry to hear about your problems of being cheated on and dumped for other women. I am certain this does a number to your confidence. Well, I would have to really meet you and talk to you to find out why you are not getting much success because yeah, you're far above average (and like call of duty )

 

Maybe move out of cali, hahaha :D

 

My goal is to move out of cali eventually!

 

My short term goal is to move out of this small town at least.

 

I contacted several places over this past week trying to find a place to rent that's a bit closer to more populated areas, while still in driving distance of my work.

 

Unfortunately, I just don't quite qualify for the income requirements. ALL of them want 2.5x the rent.

 

I can do 1.5x or 2x depending on the rent, but I can't do 2.5x for any of them. And even though I have excellent credit and am a great tenant with great references, none of them want to bend on that income requirement.

 

But as soon as the opportunity becomes available, I am moving!

[Chris715]

Phoe I've said it before and I will say it again: because you're attractive guys are intimidated to approach you and maybe even think they don't have a shot with you. You will have to make it incredibly obvious that they should approach you (prolonged eye contact, lots of smiling) or do the approaching yourself, which I know you've mentioned you have in the past.

 

I know for a fact that I, along with with many other guys, are pretty oblivious to cues that a girl wants me to approach her. The more obvious she is making it the better.

[Phoe]

I think this is what is most important in the grand scheme of things. From all the posts, threads, advise, etc, doing what makes you happy is the most important. That way when you do have a man approach you that is interested, it'll be for being just Phoe

 

That's the overall thing I want to stick to.

 

Being myself and being happy.

 

While I'm all ears for suggestions to tweak things or make small alterations, I know it would not be worthwhile to make significant changes to myself.

 

I'd be faking my way and I'd likely be unhappy and anxious. No thanks!

[Phoe]

Phoe I've said it before and I will say it again: because you're attractive guys are intimidated to approach you and maybe even think they don't have a shot with you. You will have to make it incredibly obvious that they should approach you (prolonged eye contact, lots of smiling) or do the approaching yourself, which I know you've mentioned you have in the past.

 

I know for a fact that I, along with with many other guys, are pretty oblivious to cues that a girl wants me to approach her. The more obvious she is making it the better.

 

I think what I'm gonna have to do is just start approaching like crazy. Be brazen, and do so all the time.

 

Sure, I'll get turned down alot and plenty of men will find it off putting, but eventually someone will bite, right? Statistics! Sure, I've approached maybe 10 men, and been turned down by 10 men. Not exactly surprising odds. But if I turn that 10 into 100 men, surely 1 of them is bound to accept!

 

A few weeks ago I was in a bookstore and saw a guy I found attractive. Slightly nerdy, about 5'8, average build. He was wearing a nice brown coat. He was browsing, and I purposefully kept browsing near him, made eye contact and smiled at him several times. I was not bold enough to approach him though.

[contact1]

That's the overall thing I want to stick to.

 

Being myself and being happy.

 

While I'm all ears for suggestions to tweak things or make small alterations, I know it would not be worthwhile to make significant changes to myself.

 

I'd be faking my way and I'd likely be unhappy and anxious. No thanks!

 

That's good. Unfortunately I do not have any further advise that would be any different from your other thread. If it's any consolation, I find a woman in blue (or green / purple ) hair very attractive, can instantly tell they would be someone I would want to get to know.

[contact1]

A few weeks ago I was in a bookstore and saw a guy I found attractive. Slightly nerdy, about 5'8, average build. He was wearing a nice brown coat. He was browsing, and I purposefully kept browsing near him, made eye contact and smiled at him several times. I was not bold enough to approach him though.

 

You did approach him though Phoe, what you did is casebook flirting / getting a guys attention by a woman. They put themselves in a position to where it is easy for a man to speak with them, make eye contact, and smile. Going further than that is where it starts to be too forward, at least that's how I would see it.

[Chris715]

 

A few weeks ago I was in a bookstore and saw a guy I found attractive. Slightly nerdy, about 5'8, average build. He was wearing a nice brown coat. He was browsing, and I purposefully kept browsing near him, made eye contact and smiled at him several times. I was not bold enough to approach him though.

 

If that was me I probably wouldn't have picked up on the cues, but again I'm bad at those signals from women, maybe he was too. Gotta keep trying!

[Phoe]

That's good. Unfortunately I do not have any further advise that would be any different from your other thread. If it's any consolation, I find a woman in blue (or green / purple ) hair very attractive, can instantly tell they would be someone I would want to get to know.

 

I miss the blue hair. I loved it! I felt like a mermaid. But the "wtf?" comments got old so I changed it.

 

I put up a photo in my album. It faded from my natural brown, into a blue/green, and a deep sapphire blue at the ends, which you can't quite see because the photo cut off.

 

I never wanted to post it before because... I dunno, I guess at the time all the negative reactions made me feel like I'd get the same thing here!

[Phoe]

If that was me I probably wouldn't have picked up on the cues, but again I'm bad at those signals from women, maybe he was too. Gotta keep trying!

 

Indeed, it was VERY subtle. I didn't feel like being bold at that moment... moreso was just intentionally trying something out to see what the reaction would be.

[Erised]

nd I purposefully kept browsing near him, made eye contact and smiled at him several times. I was not bold enough to approach him though.

 

You don't have to approach approach in a way that is rejected, you can just say a start of a conversation (ask for help finding a book, ask about a certain book in the genre you're browsing in), accidentally bump slightly. A chance to start conversation and make sure he sees an opening.

 

Other than the purposefully browsing - which it is hard to tell intent- I would smile at someone I kept browsing near, too, with no interest. (man or woman)

[Phoe]

You don't have to approach approach in a way that is rejected, you can just say a start of a conversation (ask for help finding a book, ask about a certain book in the genre you're browsing in), accidentally bump slightly. A chance to start conversation and make sure he sees an opening.

 

Other than the purposefully browsing - which it is hard to tell intent- I would smile at someone I kept browsing near, too, with no interest. (man or woman)

 

Starting an easy conversation is definitely a breeze for me, but the "accidental bump" would be hard for me to play off. I'd likely make it way too awkward.

 

I saw a man do an accidental bump with a woman the other day, and I don't quite remember all the details, but now that you mentioned it I'm recalling how silly it seemed. It was so obvious how he ran into her, apologized and kept walking... 30 seconds later turns around and comes back and talks to her again and then left.... and then came back and said some more stuff lol. It was painfully awkward to watch, haha.

[SycamoreCircle]

I need to find her attractive. Attractive, like...this is someone I could pursue something with. I size up her social status. If she looks very professional and driven, I probably won't bother because of my personality. If she looks too culturally different, I won't bother either. I mean, there's plenty of women from the Bronx that I'd love to get in a wrestling match with, but the long manicured nails and gum chewing just tells me it wouldn't be the best match. She shouldn't look like she's wearing a cause or trying to make a statement. But she shouldn't look frumpy, either. She should look at ease. I won't bother with women wearing headphones or plugged into their iPhones. I'm really attracted to women who can look at ease by themselves in public. Not an easy task.

[contact1]

I miss the blue hair. I loved it! I felt like a mermaid. But the "wtf?" comments got old so I changed it.

 

I put up a photo in my album. It faded from my natural brown, into a blue/green, and a deep sapphire blue at the ends, which you can't quite see because the photo cut off.

 

I never wanted to post it before because... I dunno, I guess at the time all the negative reactions made me feel like I'd get the same thing here!

 

Let's be honest here Phoe, no matter what anyone posts on this forum, there will always be a negative reaction from crazy jumps of assumptions

 

That photo title is very misleading, I was expecting a mermaid outfit to come along with it but in all honestly, I like it, but that's just my thing, I can see others being put off by it, their lost imo.

[Gaeta]

I think it has to do with demeanour. If you are a shy girl people can tell by your body language. Do you get approached in public in general? not by men but by people in need of direction, or they want to know what time it is?

 

People in public generally will approach me to get direction, get the time, they chat me up in elevators, or will exchange words with me while waiting at grocery store. I am not a shy person, I smile and make good eye contact so I give out the vibe people are welcome to approach me. If I look approachable to little old ladies I am definitely approachable to men.

[Phoe]

I need to find her attractive. Attractive, like...this is someone I could pursue something with. I size up her social status. If she looks very professional and driven, I probably won't bother because of my personality. If she looks too culturally different, I won't bother either. I mean, there's plenty of women from the Bronx that I'd love to get in a wrestling match with, but the long manicured nails and gum chewing just tells me it wouldn't be the best match. She shouldn't look like she's wearing a cause or trying to make a statement. But she shouldn't look frumpy, either. She should look at ease. I won't bother with women wearing headphones or plugged into their iPhones. I'm really attracted to women who can look at ease by themselves in public. Not an easy task.

 

The cultural things definitely make sense, as well as certain traits that indicate a lifestyle that just doesn't quite vibe with yours. Definitely sensible.

 

I don't even own headphones, specifically because I would never want to look "detached" or like I'm trying to plug in and tune out.

 

I also never use my phone. It's essentially a glorified clock. It just sits in my purse all day, unused unless I need to see the time.

 

I purposely try to make sure there is nothing that is going to "distract" me, or make me appear detached and tuned out. I always make myself be present and aware of what's going on around me.

[Phoe]

I think it has to do with demeanour. If you are a shy girl people can tell by your body language. Do you get approached in public in general? not by men but by people in need of direction, or they want to know what time it is?

 

People in public generally will approach me to get direction, get the time, they chat me up in elevators, or will exchange words with me while waiting at grocery store. I am not a shy person, I smile and make good eye contact so I give out the vibe people are welcome to approach me. If I look approachable to little old ladies I am definitely approachable to men.

 

I am approached by others often, for random reasons.

 

I posted a bit earlier in this thread about 2 homeless people who approached me today, 1 of whom I chatted with for a bit.

 

Old people love me, haha. I have conversations with them everywhere I go!

 

I'm not shy, but I'm not "in your face" loud or brazen either. I'm just a normal in between. Sociable, but not over the top.

[Leigh 87]

I don't think Phoe is too intimidating; I am friends with models who get approached.

 

Phoe just seems like a pretty girl who has terrible luck.

 

Furthermore, it is about your personal style. I worked as a stylist a long time ago because I am passionate about fashion, like many women are. Once a woman would learn how to channel her personality through her style, they tend to get a LOT more male attention.

 

I think the reason you don't get approached is your dress sense - from what YOU describe to us....A big reason I get approached is because, I have been told by men, that I dress really feminine and " different". I get vintage or retro style dresses that flatter my curves and men notice because I dress more "feminine" than most women who just throw on any old clothes before going out. I really take pride in my every day appearance. I wear dresses a lot or I wear pants with a really pretty top - I also own many necklaces that stand out.

 

I think you need to stand out and have something about you for men to approach, as well as being friendly and approachable which I have no doubt you are as it stands..... Phoe, besides being friendly, what is it about you that would make people take note? Do you have a friendly smile? Is there anything about your style that would stand out from all the other women in the coffee shop, bookstore, bar or wherever?

 

Plenty of women I know just had something " about them" that made certain men take note and approach them. Some were nerdy types with a cute style. Others were bigger sized women yet they rocked their curves in pretty and feminine dresses that accentuated their waist and they wore nice lipstick.

 

If you stand out you will get approached providing you look friendly and not too intense. Which brings me to one last thing: I have big eyes - as do you, Phoe, and I have been told that I can look too intense if I am not careful, if I stare too hard in a guys direction or whatever. Maybe you lovely large eyes can look too "intense" by the way in which you look at some men? Just a thought as it has been pointed out to me before!

 

 

 

 

 

Those are just my suggestions Phoe, I want to see you happy and in a relationship you have the worst luck and I am sick of seeing it play out this way.

[thecrucible]

I don't get approached often and I think it's because I'm quite reserved so I might across as a bit intimidating (or they think I'm ugly ). I'm just a quiet slightly quirky nerdy girl and I don't approach guys myself because I find it hard to trust a random guy and have had unwanted sexual advances before. I seem to get more attention when I'm drinking and always get guys flirting with me or asking for my number. In non-alcohol involved situations, I don't get approached often but then my social life isn't really during the day.

 

 

 

 

With a bit of make-up I can look cute. Some guys like me 'cause I look more exotic for where I live - I have dark eyes, slightly tanned skinned and long dark hair.

[newmoon]

I am approached by others often, for random reasons.

 

I posted a bit earlier in this thread about 2 homeless people who approached me today, 1 of whom I chatted with for a bit.

 

Old people love me, haha. I have conversations with them everywhere I go!

 

I'm not shy, but I'm not "in your face" loud or brazen either. I'm just a normal in between. Sociable, but not over the top.

 

don't judge too much by what you see. for instance in the coffee shop, maybe that guy has been looking at that girl for days, or weeks, and that day he approached. although you look the same as her and you think there is nothing different between you, it might be that there is some history and he's been eyeing her for a while. maybe they work in the same office complex, etc. i don't think as many guys cold approach as you'd think. if all the guy does is chat you up and not take it farther then just assume he isn't interested. he's not intimidated, he's not shy, he's just not interested enough in you, especially if you're giving clues that you're single. an interested guy steps up and takes it beyond the 'chat' stage. you're likely doing nothing wrong except just not running into guys that are willing to ask you out. 'being intimidated' just means the guy has low self-esteem and doesn't think he's worthy enough for you, and who wants that?! no man or woman is that intimidating unless you're not confident.

[Gloria25]

I think it's a combo of appearance and if you're approachable...

 

A few weeks ago I had to go downtown to a meeting and I wore one of my sexier business suits (not the frumpy, baggy ones), was well groomed/made up. I also smiled a lot and walked like I owned the building (cuz I was pumping myself up for the meeting...you know).

 

And gosh, got several guys holding doors for me, smiling, asking me stuff. I also got snide looks from some frumpy older women.

 

It felt good cuz I haven't dressed up in the longest and feeling cutesy/sexy felt good.

 

I usually dress down and make it a point to not be approachable. Lol, my recent crush had a lot of cojones to ask me 'why I look so mad' months ago and it paid off cuz he got my attention...lol. I don't remember what I responded to him and he said he didn't recall speaking to me...oh well. He's lucky cuz if I didn't find him attractive I would of ignored or told him to f-off. Cuz, while I don't remember what I said (cuz I was surprised some dude had the nerve to speak to me when I wasn't dressed for/seeking it), I did fumble in trying to think what to say.

[Phoe]

In response who those who talk about style and dress...

 

What would be examples of dressing up or dressing down? I know a lot of folks have different ideas...

 

for some, sweatpants at the grocery store is a regular casual. For others, they wouldn't be caught dead in public without a full outfit put together.

 

My style is VERY similar to the girl from un-fancy.com

 

If you check that blog, you'll get an idea of how I dress. Simple, with the occasional edge thrown in (leather jacket and boots!).

 

When I was in high school I was an odd combo. I had a punkish style, combined with wearing vintage pieces that had been my mother's when she was in high school. It was definitely all over the place, but it was my attempt at showing my personality.

 

Now that I'm older my style has gone through phases and has definitely become more defined and like the "adult" version of who I am.

 

I don't pull off "girly" well. I just look ridiculous. Put me in a pink flowery dress and I just look silly. I don't own many dresses, but they suit me. Not too girly, but still a dress.

 

I wear clothes that are good quality, well fitted, and in colors that suit my skin and hair. They're not "girly", but I still maintain femininity.

 

For the most part it's not flashy or attention grabbing, but I look polished and put together.

 

Folks here have suggested I wear more skirts and dresses, but i'm hesitant because it's truly not me. Especially not in the winter!

[preraph]

In my experience, the women I was around who drew the most men were either very social or very approachable looking, i.e., smiley and making eye contact. Now, the girl I was around who it seemed like every guy asked me about (worked in my office) was actually a call girl as it turned out, so she would go to dinner with anyone. In fact, she told me if someone didn't take her to dinner, she didn't eat. So she was welcoming many of these guys and putting it out there as bait but had monetary motives. Then the very social one was also good looking, big boobs, blond. But she would go up and talk to literally anybody and flit about meeting people. She just really likes socializing with people. Another girl who was petite but not particularly good looking, bad teeth, frizzy hair, also got quite a bit of male attention even though she was married because she was very smiley and made positivity her religion. Since she rarely said no to anything, I guess guys thought that would be a yes for them as well. They weren't far wrong. Whatever they yammered about, she'd act like it was the greatest thing in the world.

 

So just something to think about. There's more than one way to attract men.

[Gloria25]

In response who those who talk about style and dress...

 

What would be examples of dressing up or dressing down? I know a lot of folks have different ideas...

 

for some, sweatpants at the grocery store is a regular casual. For others, they wouldn't be caught dead in public without a full outfit put together.

 

My style is VERY similar to the girl from un-fancy.com

 

If you check that blog, you'll get an idea of how I dress. Simple, with the occasional edge thrown in (leather jacket and boots!).

 

When I was in high school I was an odd combo. I had a punkish style, combined with wearing vintage pieces that had been my mother's when she was in high school. It was definitely all over the place, but it was my attempt at showing my personality.

 

Now that I'm older my style has gone through phases and has definitely become more defined and like the "adult" version of who I am.

 

I don't pull off "girly" well. I just look ridiculous. Put me in a pink flowery dress and I just look silly. I don't own many dresses, but they suit me. Not too girly, but still a dress.

 

I wear clothes that are good quality, well fitted, and in colors that suit my skin and hair. They're not "girly", but I still maintain femininity.

 

For the most part it's not flashy or attention grabbing, but I look polished and put together.

 

Folks here have suggested I wear more skirts and dresses, but i'm hesitant because it's truly not me. Especially not in the winter!

 

Read Glamour magazine...

 

BTW, I love when I wear dresses/skits...I like feeling girly - even though I don't wear them all the time.

 

You can wear sweater-dresses in the winter - especially if they hug your body. Top them off with some tights and boots and you're set.