What inspires men to approach a woman?

[Gloria25]

I am not open for business!

 

I will give : I do flirt. A lot. With everyone.

 

I don't believe he's talking about flirting...

 

The way you walk, talk, etc. (Verbal or nonverbal communication) lets people know (romantically or not) if you're approachable.

[Phoe]

Again, you gotta put yourself out there...cuz no guy is gonna knock on your door and give you a chance to get to know you if you don't put up a neon"open" sign. Guys can't walk around "guessing" what you're like.

 

Think of it like a job interview. Why should I hire you if you show up in jeans, khakis, or an over expensive/tailored suit? If you didn't take enough time to make yourself presentable, how do I know you'll be able to dress for the job.

 

One time I had an interview with Home Depot years ago. I, wore a skirt business suit - while the other females wore slacks. Seeing what Home Depot is/was about, slacks would have been more appropriate.

 

Get my drift?

 

I just don't see how my clothes are not presentable.

 

I feel I am very presentable! That's what I am for.

 

Everything in my closet is something that is presentable and that I am confident being seen in.

 

I don't own a single thing (barring pajamas), that I would not be seen in. I consciously removed all the "sloppy, comfy, whatever" items from my house, so that no matter what I pick out of my closet, it's nice and presentable. All of it matches and goes well together. I can make hundreds of different outfit combinations from these 30 or so items, each one as presentable as the last.

 

Is it "girly"? No. Is it "Sexy"? No.

 

But I'm neither girly nor sexy. Dressing in that manner would be disingenuous to who I am, and likely quite mentally uncomfortable.

 

I wear things that are form fitting without being tight. Dresses and shorts are neither too long nor too short. I keep it classy without getting into frumpy town. It's all nice quality stuff. It's all a deliberately, intentionally, well put together wardrobe. These are outfits that my dad and grandma could see me in and say "she looks nice", and just the same a 25 year old man could see me in the same outfits and say "she looks nice".

 

Just because I'm single doesn't mean I should say "Ok, time to pull out the hot rollers, curling iron and hairspray. Time to buy dresses and heels, time to hit Sephora, time to book that nail appointment"

 

If that's not me, why would I broadcast that?

[Phoe]

In college, I styled my hair and did full makeup daily.

 

I wore dresses and heels.

 

I had my nails done.

 

It didn't help. At all. I was single for 6 years...

 

And if you asked my opinion, I'd say that my sophomore year of college was the time when I absolutely looked and felt my best. I was about 20 years old

 

My hair was always perfect. I was great with makeup. I wore really pretty and girly clothes. I had my nails done always. My skin was tanned.

 

I was a UCSB sorority girl. It was required that we be well groomed and well maintained and looking our best at all times, so as to project a good image for our house.

 

I was at my best. My peak you might say, in looks.

 

And I was single as could be.

 

Men just did not care about any of it. So now, 5 years later, I take care of myself, but am more relaxed with it all. Easy maintenance. Simple and natural.

[Erised]

I

 

Just because I'm single doesn't mean I should say "Ok, time to pull out the hot rollers, curling iron and hairspray. Time to buy dresses and heels, time to hit Sephora, time to book that nail appointment"

 

If that's not me, why would I broadcast that?

 

 

I agree. If you attract someone with something you aren't going to maintain, that's kind of lying.

 

I'm who I am in or not in a relationship. (I might put a little more effort in a relationship because there's someone besides myself who I care what they think. There's usually not.)

 

The man who is suited to be with you, will not be really into the things you don't do.

[Phoe]

The man who is suited to be with you, will not be really into the things you don't do.

 

This is the biggest thing for me...

 

I'm at my happiest being easy maintenance, simple, and natural. That's me!

 

My ex loved that about me. That's what drew him in.

 

He liked it best when I wore no makeup at all.

[Phoe]

A total overhaul to my looks and style, I think will only be detrimental.

 

 

Slight tweaks though? Totally fine. Add in a dress or 2. Skip the ponytail sometimes. Maybe put on some eyeliner or eyeshadow.

 

But more than that is just... not me.

[Diezel]

Phoe,

 

JUST BE YOU.

 

You might think it doesn't work. You might think it makes you unapproachable. Whatever it is. At some point men will take notice, men will approach. Whether it's OLD or real life or through Meetup, etc, etc, etc...

 

All I ever tell men I encounter is be YOU. Set your goals in life, do YOU, and the rest will fall into place... even women.

 

So to you, I say, do you, and eventually it'll fall into place. We could sit here and analyze your hair, your mannerisms, the way you approach people and to no avail. It wouldn't matter. Different things work for different people. Some people get approached all the time and hate it. Some never get approached and they wish they would. It just happens.

[contact1]

A total overhaul to my looks and style, I think will only be detrimental.

 

 

Slight tweaks though? Totally fine. Add in a dress or 2. Skip the ponytail sometimes. Maybe put on some eyeliner or eyeshadow.

 

But more than that is just... not me.

 

I agree on this, as it was stated before, and you have mentioned several times, it just wouldn't be you. It had crossed my mind that maybe it is your intellect level that may be intimating, since I remember you saying most people in your area marry right after high school, but that wouldn't fit the whole Santa Barbara situation, since you would have been surrounded by college bound people.

 

Out of curiosity, you mentioned living an Alaska being your dream place, why is that? I just can't imagine living on a piece of ice myself

[Phoe]

Phoe,

 

JUST BE YOU.

 

You might think it doesn't work. You might think it makes you unapproachable. Whatever it is. At some point men will take notice, men will approach. Whether it's OLD or real life or through Meetup, etc, etc, etc...

 

All I ever tell men I encounter is be YOU. Set your goals in life, do YOU, and the rest will fall into place... even women.

 

So to you, I say, do you, and eventually it'll fall into place. We could sit here and analyze your hair, your mannerisms, the way you approach people and to no avail. It wouldn't matter. Different things work for different people. Some people get approached all the time and hate it. Some never get approached and they wish they would. It just happens.

 

Indeed.

 

And I can make small tweaks, and over time and repetition they would become habit and natural.

 

But if I made major changes? I know it wouldn't last. I would revert right back to what is natural for me.

 

I genuinely WANT to be me. That's the happiest me.

[Phoe]

Out of curiosity, you mentioned living an Alaska being your dream place, why is that? I just can't imagine living on a piece of ice myself

 

Alaska is more than just ice! Geographically speaking, it's pretty diverse.

 

 

I just love rural. I would love a cabin on a lake, some farm animals, crops in the field. Just a very simple outdoor life.

 

I love it.

[Diezel]

Then be you. Listen, women weren't on board with me, until I was on board with me. It took a while, but it happened.

[xxoo]

I've never been into hair and make up. It's not necessary to attract men.

 

Men are drawn in by softness, in appearance or in personality. It's feminine and approachable. If your style tends to lack softness, you could incorporate some items that have soft colors or prints, and make sure you are communicating interested looks and warm smiles.

[ComingInHot]

Phoe,

Realizing I am so not of the male persuasion and not suited to answer the direct topic, I just wanted to ask, what environment are you in when you are not getting approached?

I ask because I don't get hit on either. At least I don't think I do. I have been asked out point blank (grateful for the directness), but in the least likely places or through friends of friends. I meet the most people doing the things I love to do. For me that's ski instructing, tennis, water sports etc...

Do you have special interests that would be shared by members of the opposite sex where you could just meet under those common interests?

 

You seem so lovely Phoe, and I wish only the very best for you.

CiH*

[Phoe]

I've never been into hair and make up. It's not necessary to attract men.

 

Men are drawn in by softness, in appearance or in personality. It's feminine and approachable. If your style tends to lack softness, you could incorporate some items that have soft colors or prints, and make sure you are communicating interested looks and warm smiles.

 

 

 

I do often vibe more towards things with more "edge" so I have to take deliberate effort into softening that look. It's definitely a balance that I likely haven't fine tuned totally.

 

 

I wear black, blues, and greys, with an occasional bright red pop thrown in.

 

 

Pastels and pinks don't go with my skin. Make me look like ill.

 

 

Prints are rare. I have a few striped things, and 2 floral things. Otherwise everything is solid.

 

 

Warmth in my personality is easy though. I genuinely want people to feel comfortable and welcome around me so I put effort into projecting that. Of course, I might just be coming off as awkward instead

[Phoe]

Do you have special interests that would be shared by members of the opposite sex where you could just meet under those common interests?

 

You seem so lovely Phoe, and I wish only the very best for you.

CiH*

 

Most of my interests are male-oriented. Because of this, most of my friends are men because I'm meeting them and forming bonds over these shared interests.

 

 

Video Games, Sports, Science, Surfing, Rock-climbing, Weight-lifting... stuff like that.

 

 

They bring me many male friends, but no dating opportunities.

[Erised]

You seem so lovely Phoe, and I wish only the very best for you.

CiH*

 

 

I know! In the short time I've been here, she's stood out as someone who deserves good things and a good guy.

[xxoo]

I do often vibe more towards things with more "edge" so I have to take deliberate effort into softening that look. It's definitely a balance that I likely haven't fine tuned totally.

 

 

I wear black, blues, and greys, with an occasional bright red pop thrown in.

 

 

Pastels and pinks don't go with my skin. Make me look like ill.

 

 

Prints are rare. I have a few striped things, and 2 floral things. Otherwise everything is solid.

 

I share your style (I've seen a blog you linked before, and it looked exactly like what I wear every day). I, too, look sickly in pastels.

 

But I can carry a pastel bag, wear pastel flat or sandals, or wear a print with pastels within (as long as the background works for my skin tone). I don't prefer prints, but I understand that they can make an outfit look softer immediately. Just adding an infinity scarf can soften through texture alone.

 

Do you smile with crinkly eyes? All your photos feature prim smiles. I wonder if you smile the big, friendly ones IRL.

[Phoe]

I share your style (I've seen a blog you linked before, and it looked exactly like what I wear every day). I, too, look sickly in pastels.

 

But I can carry a pastel bag, wear pastel flat or sandals, or wear a print with pastels within (as long as the background works for my skin tone). I don't prefer prints, but I understand that they can make an outfit look softer immediately. Just adding an infinity scarf can soften through texture alone.

 

Do you smile with crinkly eyes? All your photos feature prim smiles. I wonder if you smile the big, friendly ones IRL.

 

I do have pastel flats and sandals, so that works out!

 

 

I try to be careful with prints because they can easily look too busy and distracting - which may as well be the opposite of soft!

 

 

Haha, ehh, yeah my smiles in those photos aren't the best.

 

I'm not very photogenic in photos and tend to look goofy when I smile, so I just tend to do a closed lip smile in photos. I remember when I was getting my senior portraits done the photographer made me laugh in one of the photos, so it was a genuine smile. It looked so goofy and I hated though photo, but my mother LOVED it. She said "that's you. That's who you are. That's the real you". IRL my smile is genuine and my laughter is never held back, but I feel it definitely comes across more naturally IRL than in a photo.

 

 

Someone brought up my smile earlier in the thread and this was my response.

 

 

I often wonder if I laugh and smile TOO MUCH irl. I'm always laughing. I'm naturally silly and lighthearted. I worry that people think I'm some sort of weirdo the way I go around laughing and smiling at all sorts of things!

 

 

But yes, I get the crinkly eyes. It's one thing I always hated in my photos.

[compulsivedancer]

Most of my interests are male-oriented. Because of this, most of my friends are men because I'm meeting them and forming bonds over these shared interests.

 

 

Video Games, Sports, Science, Surfing, Rock-climbing, Weight-lifting... stuff like that.

 

 

They bring me many male friends, but no dating opportunities.

 

Yep, this explains it, and is actually what I was going to suggest. Men see you as a friend, not a date. In fact, it's likely that half of your guy friends want to date you but don't think you'd be receptive. Have you ever upped the ante with shy of them to test the waters? Added in a hint that you're available and interested. Suggested something a little more intimate, like a back massage or four massage? Paused a little extra long when you touched them? Etc.

 

That's what I would try.

[Phoe]

Yep, this explains it, and is actually what I was going to suggest. Men see you as a friend, not a date. In fact, it's likely that half of your guy friends want to date you but don't think you'd be receptive. Have you ever upped the ante with shy of them to test the waters? Added in a hint that you're available and interested. Suggested something a little more intimate, like a back massage or four massage? Paused a little extra long when you touched them? Etc.

 

That's what I would try.

 

Most of them are married or taken.

 

 

The ones who are single have made it VERY clear, point blank, directly, that they do not see me that way.

 

 

If a stranger suggests something between us I'll get an "eww. no. Phoe is cool, but just... no."

 

 

I pursued 2 of them in 2013 and got rejected, then from that awkwardness came the slow fade and I am no longer in contact with either of them.

 

 

When I was in college I pursued a friend as well. Rejected. Slow fade away...

 

 

I've found that if I'm going to be going out of my comfort zone and brazenly pursuing men, they need to NOT be my friend. Because they then end the friendship.

[Phoe]

Men see you as a friend, not a date.

 

This, however, is very valid.

 

 

They friendzone me.

 

 

They have 0 romantic feelings towards me.

 

 

It's like I'm a sister.

[Phoe]

Well I found a dress on a website that suits me, I might order it.

 

I was going to trim my hair this evening but felt way too tired. Perhaps over the weekend.

 

I'm going to flatiron my hair tomorrow, and put on eyeshadow.

 

Small tweaks.

[Chris715]

Phoe just curious, when's the last time you straight up approached a guy and asked him out? How did it go for you? Have you been working on your flirting skills? Like I've said before, guys are idiots and sometimes you have to make it incredibly obvious that you like us.

[Imported]

There's very few guys out there that want the girl that would date any guy out there.

 

Do you think you come across as desperate?

 

I mean, I read post from you about how you're not looking for much...and in your case, I actually believe it. I think you even posted before that you'd date just about any guy that would ask you out. This is not actually a good selling point for most guys unless they got absolutely nothing going on for themselves.

[Phoe]

Phoe just curious, when's the last time you straight up approached a guy and asked him out?

 

I've mentioned a few things on this topic earlier in the thread, but I'll try to sum it up a bit, quicknotes version!

 

2013 was the last time I blatantly asked a man to dinner and drinks.

 

I've straight up pursued men about a dozen times or so. I honestly can't remember all of them. There are times when I think back about it, and days later another ones pops into my mind that I totally forgot ever happened.

 

All of them ended in rejection.

 

I have been working on my flirting, but I don't know if I've gotten any better at it.

 

I don't flirt sexually. My flirting is innocent.

 

My non verbal flirting would be smiling at men from across the room, holding eye contact.

 

I was in a bar just last month and actively attempted to project the "I'm open and available" attitude, I smiled at several men, more than once. None of them smiled back or showed interest. I said hi to one but he quickly walked away, didn't have any interest in conversing.

 

Overall the major vibe I got that evening was a lot of closed off men. Perhaps they were all taken!