Ladies: Dating men who have had 'FWB'

[therhythm]

I understand some men's behavior just fine. I've worked around them all of my life. I'm perfectly capable of doing the same... I just choose not to.

 

The person I'm talking about in this thread was the first person I came across IRL that had other qualities I liked and who I knew had a FWB... I'm very grateful for the opportunity he gave me to understand people who have that style of relating.

 

But... I'm not interested in dating men who are ok with it. If it was in their past and something they don't want to do again, we can talk. Otherwise, no. He's not the man I'm looking for.

As I have said before you can date or not date whoever you want and on base of the reasonings that you want, It is your life...

I just wanted to let clear that Fwb has nothing to do with having commitment problems.

 

...What happened to self-control? ...Or even better yet: Many of these men who have no qualms sleeping around or repeatedly sleeping with the same woman for the sole purpose of sex and it's derived pleasure are looking for the right one... Which, if we are to read this forum, encompasses being beautiful, intelligent, independent, and most certainly have a very modest sexual past... Yeah, right! I have been a very self-controlled woman when it came to who I had sex with, I shall settle for no less... A man who cannot control his sexual zeal is not a man I can say I fundamentally trust... And he finally meets the one that he loves, she might be too afraid to let him in based on his past record...Men and women have choices. Acting as if men are creatures that cannot escape their sexual desires and must inevitably have sex for the sake of having sex sounds totally unbelievable to me...

 

Self control over what and why??

I do have self control when I don't allow myself to get fat and unhealthy, or when I don't use drugs or abuse alcohol... But why should I control myself and don't have consensual sex with adult women who are willing to do it with me? Because you think is wrong?

You have your values, moral and standards that are no better and no worse than mine... Don't you dare to tell me I lack self control because I don't share your moral values.!

If you don't want to have casual sex then don't do it but let other people live their life's according their own values.

[joystickd]

That's how I feel too.

 

I think I could learn to trust someone who had a FWB, but felt bad about it and didn't want to repeat it. I think that was the missing part from the man I've been talking about.

 

Why go on a monologue about FWBs and how men are users if the issue was you just couldnt trust this man?

[Auguria]

Save that for someone else. Its not about the women i deal with. Most women thrive for a mans attention even if its just a simple complement. Its ok though.

 

Don't we all? But going as far as to say that women would have sex with men for their attention is purely ridiculous. There are women out there who do that out of insecurity etc... But, again, these are rarely the women that men can view as the right ones...The point being that you can't expect to find a great woman who fulfills all of your criterias and if you, yourself, fall short in those criterias. Simple really.

[joystickd]

Don't we all? But going as far as to say that women would have sex with men for their attention is purely ridiculous. There are women out there who do that out of insecurity etc... But, again, these are rarely the women that men can view as the right ones...The point being that you can't expect to find a great woman who fulfills all of your criterias and if you, yourself, fall short in those criterias. Simple really.

 

Most women do. We all see it everyday.

[Auguria]

As I have said before you can date or not date whoever you want and on base of the reasonings that you want, It is your life...

I just wanted to let clear that Fwb has nothing to do with having commitment problems.

 

 

 

Self control over what and why??

I do have self control when I don't allow myself to get fat and unhealthy, or when I don't use drugs or abuse alcohol... But why should I control myself and don't have consensual sex with adult women who are willing to do it with me? Because you think is wrong?

You have your values, moral and standards that are no better and no worse than mine... Don't you dare to tell me I lack self control because I don't share your moral values.!

If you don't want to have casual sex then don't do it but let other people live their life's according their own values.

 

My reply was not directed to your values or to the absoluty of my morals. Calm your tits! It was directed towards the thought prevailing at large in this board namely that because men have somehow the ability to have emotionless sex, they should necessarily engage in it. I know I can engage in emotionless sex, I know I have the ability as I am very difficult to emotionally be impressed by a man even if I find him physically and sexually attractive. And since I need an emotional connection to fall in love, and since I have experienced such emotional connectedness only a handful of times, I can rest assured that I will be able to have sex with someone, enjoy it and not be attached. I, however, decided I did not want to that. I strive to establish a meaningful relationship, and as such I can wait. You, on the other hand, can have as much fun as you want with your FWBs, do whatever you want to do, no one is judging you for God's sake! But understand my point and do not jump on your high horse shouting "Judgment"... My wish is to find someone who I am compatible with in the ways we see relationships. That is all, really.

[Els]

I wouldn't, OP.

 

I don't think people who have FWBs are inherently more likely to cheat, no - especially if they have been upfront and honest in all their relationships thus far, FWB or not. But it does denote a certain approach towards casual sex that would be incompatible with me - and, if I'm reading your posts correctly, probably incompatible with you too.

 

IMO, we are all entitled to our own preferences. Be confident in yours - you don't need to justify them to anyone, least of all strangers on LS.

[pyramid]

If I might ask: How exactly do your relationship styles differ? The way you describe your relationship, it does sound that to some extent -at least on paper- you are a match... I am honestly very much curious.

 

I am looking for a long term monogamous relationship leading to marriage. He's looking for open/polyamorous relationships and does not want to get married (again). So clearly this is a temporary thing. If I was ok with open relationships, we would probably be in one. But like I said earlier, if *either* of us is seeing someone else, then no benefits. But we are friends regardless.

[Auguria]

How many women on here lost their virginity over the age of 30? As a guy I wanted to wait for marriage not because I was in a relationship. I realized waiting for marriage wasn't going to happen anytime soon.

 

 

 

I'm just really looking for 3 simple things a woman. Honesty, compassion, humour.

 

Losing my virginity was never about marriage for me. Although I could have lost my virginity way earlier in my life, I felt the need to wait and meet a man who loved me, cherished me and most importantly loved me for intrinsically, not only appearance wise. I think some people might be right in here, it was perhaps because I had a lot of options and was pursued by men and still am even now that I am in a relationship. When I was younger, I didn't think much about it, but now, having grown up in three different parts of the world, and observed men I can't help but think that my value as a woman has exponentially grown as I was known as the "unattainable one" in my group of friends. It is sad, really. I can't remember a man who tried to propose to me an arrangement as a FWB, probably because I am not shy in expressing my opinions and being direct in what I say and mean, but it was clearly a slap in the fact as a woman when I would experience men trying to romanticize me while they would not provide an ounce of attention to the women that they were having sex with... Waiting for someone with whom I would feel loved and in love has really nothing to do with religion (I am an atheist), or conservative values ( I am a liberal), it has only to do with trust and values...

[ThaWholigan]

Quickly, I'd like to point out that having an FWB doesn't automatically denote that you can't be committed in the future. Its fine not to want to date someone who's had such an arrangement but let's not paint them all as bad!

 

My first sexual experience was in an FWB relationship and I have no doubt about my ability to commit to a woman.

[RedRobin]

Yeah, that is the part I am struggling to accept... My bf loves me very much and has repeatedly made sacrifices for our relationship, but I still find myself to be on the defensive...

 

I'm sure you can work through this. It sounds like you have some foundation set.

 

It will be good to see if he reconsiders his past behavior based on this new information you are providing him though. He just might.

[Auguria]

That's your problem not his perhaps you should move on. Stop wasting the guy's time and money. Everyone has done something in the past they shouldn't have done. It's the past no the future yet with your thinking it will be because you're looking for it.

 

Funny how you mention "money"... It turns out that I do not waste his money for I have my own...it goes with the whole talk about independence, really. Thanks anyway!

 

And no, I won't be moving on. I love him, and I see us go far for we have a connection, I can see he loves me tremendously. It's one of these kind of relationships that come only once in a lifetime. I can still feel a little disappointment, though. It shall pass. And we will emerge stronger than before.

[Auguria]

Women waste men's time. Men put a lot of effort asking women out and get rejected. On top of that we are expected to court the women. What's the effort women put in? To judge us men with a fine tooth comb. She will tell us she's having a great time but when a guy calls later on she not interested for some mysterious reason. She didn't have the balls to tell the guy right there.

Even if she likes the guy he will be expected to initate calls and ask for dates and it goes far enough ask for marriage. Women do very little until the children are born. Sorry but I don't see much much investment for women as for men in most cases.

 

Wait...what? I mean... guys... what kind of women are you revolving around? What in the world?!

[RedRobin]

Quickly, I'd like to point out that having an FWB doesn't automatically denote that you can't be committed in the future. Its fine not to want to date someone who's had such an arrangement but let's not paint them all as bad!

 

My first sexual experience was in an FWB relationship and I have no doubt about my ability to commit to a woman.

 

It's ok TW.

 

I'm not concluding that people who have had FWB in the past are incapable of committing in the future.

 

I'm concerned that someone who still thinks this is ok is not capable of commitment... at least for long. I'm concerned that he will slide into his former way of doing things and find a way to justify it... even if it started out being loving and caring.

[Auguria]

I'm sure you can work through this. It sounds like you have some foundation set.

 

It will be good to see if he reconsiders his past behavior based on this new information you are providing him though. He just might.

 

He has... I don't doubt his commitment or love for me. We have invested too much in this relationship... The thing that I am trying to come to terms with is how is it possible that my man, the one who is so committed, so balanced and so not afraid to think of us in a long term scheme, is the same man who just a few months before meeting me was in a FWB scenario... It was a shock for he didn't seem to be the kind that would go for such an arrangement based on how he acted towards me...

[RedRobin]

He has... I don't doubt his commitment or love for me. We have invested too much in this relationship... The thing that I am trying to come to terms with is how is it possible that my man, the one who is so committed, so balanced and so not afraid to think of us in a long term scheme, is the same man who just a few months before meeting me was in a FWB scenario... It was a shock for he didn't seem to be the kind that would go for such an arrangement based on how he acted towards me...

 

If he was young, it could simply be because other people told him it was ok.

 

He sees the difference now... between what he was doing before and what he has with you.

 

The pool of men I date from are not college age. They have had plenty of time to develop their dating style... and so to have this style at this stage of their life would seem to indicate something deeper and likely unchangeable...

 

So mine and your situations are different in that respect... it sounds like your BF is still learning and growing in that respect... and is changing accordingly.

 

A man the age of the guy I'm talking about is not going to change, at least not anytime soon... his patterns are deeply rooted. I tried to understand... because I'd never witnessed it first hand. Now that I have, I know better what to avoid.

 

I really appreciate your perspective. It helped me to understand what it was I had a problem with, and you described it so well.

[ThaWholigan]

It's ok TW.

 

I'm not concluding that people who have had FWB in the past are incapable of committing in the future.

 

I'm concerned that someone who still thinks this is ok is not capable of commitment... at least for long. I'm concerned that he will slide into his former way of doing things and find a way to justify it... even if it started out being loving and caring.

I think for what you are looking for, it is a legitimate concern - I have always felt that. I don't think you should conform to everyone elses attitudes towards sex and relationships just because. You obviously feel the way you do for a reason and while your words on the matter are a tad abrasive, I don't think it's wrong for you to feel the way you do about it. I'm sure it will be quite difficult but I believe you will find what you're looking for.

[therhythm]

My reply was not directed to your values or to the absoluty of my morals. Calm your tits! It was directed towards the thought prevailing at large in this board namely that because men have somehow the ability to have emotionless sex, they should necessarily engage in it. I know I can engage in emotionless sex, I know I have the ability as I am very difficult to emotionally be impressed by a man even if I find him physically and sexually attractive. And since I need an emotional connection to fall in love, and since I have experienced such emotional connectedness only a handful of times, I can rest assured that I will be able to have sex with someone, enjoy it and not be attached. I, however, decided I did not want to that. I strive to establish a meaningful relationship, and as such I can wait. You, on the other hand, can have as much fun as you want with your FWBs, do whatever you want to do, no one is judging you for God's sake! But understand my point and do not jump on your high horse shouting "Judgment"... My wish is to find someone who I am compatible with in the ways we see relationships. That is all, really.

 

Your replay was quoting me therefore I can expect that what you are saying has something to do either with my post or with me. I have not judged you or stepped in any high horse, you are the one who thinks has something (self control) that many of us lack.

Let me tell you that for someone to lack self control there has to be a will of control something and you need to lack the ability to control that concrete thing by that person... Since I don't think any men here is trying to control themselves when it comes to sex, actually we are happy to have it I don't think you can say we lack self control.

I am happy you have a totally different view on sex that I do and I hope you will find someone which match your needs... I don't measure the worth of a woman for the number of penis she has had in her vaginal, there are really more important things for me like (honest, trust worthy, sex compatibile, caring, social and physically attractive)

[Pillow]

RedRobin, I like your posts.

 

I don't think you made the wrong decision at all. Everyone I know (I'm 23) are VIRGINS. Maybe like hangs around like. Just do you and I'm glad. I wish everyone was less promiscuous. I have found the people who are less slutty are better in terms of character, and more ingenious in finding other things to occupy their time.

[KaterinaVon]

For the people saying "well the guy made it clear it was strictly a sexual relationship only so it's not his fault he did warn her."

 

If you see the woman is more invested in the relationship, CUT it off completely. Do not just keep her around and pretend she understands it. It's playing with someone's feelings.

 

Can't help to think of that Jodi Arias trial, how the guy was only interested in a FWB type of thing and the woman wanted marriage. Someone that would let you use her in a such a meaningless excuse of a relationship isn't someone who is emotionally stable, careful how treat people, he ended up stabbed, shot and killed because he didn't cut her off completely.

 

Fwb in my opinion doesn't exist, one or the other will always develop feelings. If these guys want a FWB they should hire a prostitute.

[Woggle]

For the people saying "well the guy made it clear it was strictly a sexual relationship only so it's not his fault he did warn her."

 

If you see the woman is more invested in the relationship, CUT it off completely. Do not just keep her around and pretend she understands it. It's playing with someone's feelings.

 

Can't help to think of that Jodi Arias trial, how the guy was only interested in a FWB type of thing and the woman wanted marriage. Someone that would let you use her in a such a meaningless excuse of a relationship isn't someone who is emotionally stable, careful how treat people, he ended up stabbed, shot and killed because he didn't cut her off completely.

 

Fwb in my opinion doesn't exist, one or the other will always develop feelings. If these guys want a FWB they should hire a prostitute.

 

 

You aren't implying that she is somehow justified are you? She is simply a nut job and the great majority of women are nothing like her.

[The Shepherd]

My reply was not directed to your values or to the absoluty of my morals. Calm your tits!

 

I think you are awesome. I like you. The world needs more girls like you.

 

Looks like my buddy therhythm and his buddies are ruling the roost here. I am worried about the well-being of this website now.

[Pompeii]

I am pretty glad that I removed myself from dating and ever having the prospect of having a date. Because I know if I was dating a woman and she held it against me that I had a FWB, we'd have a problem. First of all, the reasons why people have these type of relationships are complex and multifaceted. You can apply a simple "sheen" over this issue and expect it to cover all of the ground and sink into all of the nooks and crannies. Secondly, I consider myself as a man with zero experience with women whatsoever. I have never kissed a girl, I have never gone on a date, I have never done anything whatsoever. If I want to gain the experience that women so desire in their mates, and the only way I would be able to do so is through a FWB relationship, I would gladly take it.

 

For me, a girlfriend would be ideal, but an FWB relationship will do. It's like someone who works retail and would like to be full-time, but they are part-time. It may not be the best for them, but they have a job. Third, I do not see these type of relationships as just "getting my rocks off". I believe they can serve an important purpose towards the development of a person and allow them to narrow down what type of relationships they do or do not prefer.

 

It's a damned if you do, damned if you don't situation. Women don't like virgins or inexperienced men on the whole, but in order to get experience you need to first have experience. It's a paradoxical anomaly. That's why I compare dating to having a job. All you need is that first one and it sort of snowballs from there. However, some people never get that first experience and thus are stuck within a cycle of how they will never gain experience.

 

It's a sad position to be in, trust me, and I would wish it upon no man.

[joystickd]

For the people saying "well the guy made it clear it was strictly a sexual relationship only so it's not his fault he did warn her."

 

If you see the woman is more invested in the relationship, CUT it off completely. Do not just keep her around and pretend she understands it. It's playing with someone's feelings.

 

Can't help to think of that Jodi Arias trial, how the guy was only interested in a FWB type of thing and the woman wanted marriage. Someone that would let you use her in a such a meaningless excuse of a relationship isn't someone who is emotionally stable, careful how treat people, he ended up stabbed, shot and killed because he didn't cut her off completely.

 

Fwb in my opinion doesn't exist, one or the other will always develop feelings. If these guys want a FWB they should hire a prostitute.

Why cut off when she is well aware of what is going on? After a certain point you are a willing participant and if she gets mad about the situation it's only because she played herself.

[Pompeii]

Fwb in my opinion doesn't exist, one or the other will always develop feelings. If these guys want a FWB they should hire a prostitute.

 

I think it is quite unfair, simplistic, and narrowminded to compare or to even suggest that FWB relationships are in any way similar to prostitution. It demeans both parties (especially the male side) and it creates zero alternate meaning for that type of relationship. News flash: a lot of men aren't just predatory sexual mongers who wish to screw as many women as possible and toss them aside like used napkins. Many men want to create a relationship with a woman despite having a high sex drive facilitated by massive testosterone production.

 

My friends have told me of several situations where the woman was the one who initiated the FWB arrangement, not the man. Usually women do this when they want to have sex or they feel as if they guy is lower status than them and "he will do". While there are FWB situations where the man toys with the woman's emotions, they aren't as widespread as people make them seem.

 

Also, why is it the man's responsibility to end the arrangement? The woman should know her level of investment, she's an adult. She knows what she's getting into. If her level of investment doesn't match his, she should end it.

[ThaWholigan]

People will think you're gay if you never had sex with a woman. Even your own family member will wonder.

This is true.