Ladies: Dating men who have had 'FWB'

[BluEyeL]

I understand your sentiments Red, but didn't get the squirrel diggression :laugh:

[Woggle]

I think it should depend on whether or not it was mutually agreed upon or whether he tricked a woman into a FWB situation when she wanted more. The same goes for women. You can have a FWB and have it be a respectful and honest arrangement. I can understand why for some it is turn off and that is okay as long as they practice what they preach.

[Revolver]

If your going to eliminate men who've had FWB/Bootycalls in their lives from your dating pool, your going to eliminate a large percentage of the male population, especially in 2013:confused:

 

My only problem with it is that the majority of the time the woman is settling for it, because she really wants to be exclusive with the guy in particular.

[RedRobin]

If your going to eliminate men who've had FWB/Bootycalls in their lives from

your dating pool, your going to eliminate a large percentage of the male

population, especially in 2013:confused:

 

I'm ok with that.

[SunsetRed]

I understand your sentiments Red, but didn't get the squirrel diggression :laugh:

 

 

Thanks. It was actually RedRobin that made the squirrel analogy, not me.

 

Still, concerning FWBs, I say to each his own. Sometimes a good f Buddy can keep a person out of a lot of trouble.

 

I remember once I had a long term F Buddy and I decided I needed more than he could give me so I started going out w this Relationship oriented guy. OMG, that guy turned out to b a needy, crying, clingy mess!

I got the "where is this going" "I feel like you're going to leave me" conversation every day. I also had to explain many of my actions, as he interpreted my gym, book club, hobbies as me trying to avoid him.

 

When I broke up w him and ended up back in my f Buddies sack, I let him know how much I appreciated him and laughingly said "wow, after all that, the next time a man wants to bang me w no strings attached, im gonna appreciate it"

 

so, there is something to b said for the FWB situation. Its not completely unhealthy and in fact can b way healthier than some "real relationships"

[RedRobin]

So you see here that unless you want to fix youself, it's going to be awefully difficult to screen guys, because these guys are what you attract, you will attract these people so screening is pretty much ineffective.

 

No, I'm not responsible for other people's choices.

 

There are lots of ways to screen people... of course, no system is 100% accurate. That's just life.

 

I agree that an inordinate focus on screening might turn away the best people. This is why (again) I prefer to only date men who are in my social circle. They've likely gone through many, many filters. Most of the screening has already been done.

 

This FWB thing... it would never 'pass' in one of my circles.

 

The circle I met him through though...I see they might have a different take on things. Useful information.

[RedRobin]

Thanks. It was actually RedRobin that made the squirrel analogy, not me.

 

Still, concerning FWBs, I say to each his own. Sometimes a good f Buddy can keep a person out of a lot of trouble.

 

I remember once I had a long term F Buddy and I decided I needed more than he could give me so I started going out w this Relationship oriented guy. OMG, that guy turned out to b a needy, crying, clingy mess!

I got the "where is this going" "I feel like you're going to leave me" conversation every day. I also had to explain many of my actions, as he interpreted my gym, book club, hobbies as me trying to avoid him.

 

When I broke up w him and ended up back in my f Buddies sack, I let him know how much I appreciated him and laughingly said "wow, after all that, the next time a man wants to bang me w no strings attached, im gonna appreciate it"

 

so, there is something to b said for the FWB situation. Its not completely unhealthy and in fact can b way healthier than some "real relationships"

 

I'm not trying to tell other people what to do with their lives.

 

I AM getting clearer though, on what it is important to me... and after attempting to date someone who had a long term FWB in the past... I'm pretty sure I won't be going down that path again.

 

It was the first time I came across that... and so it was something I had to process first hand. Of course, I knew that people had them (theoretically), but didn't know how I'd feel trying to establish a relationship with someone who had that mindset.

 

So now I do. We're not a match. That is how I ended it too. Told him that our relationship style and goals don't match... and I wished him well.

[Keenly]

Where are all those women from the threads from men about their girlfriends sexual history , and how it bothered them .

[RedRobin]

Where are all those women from the threads from men about their girlfriends sexual history , and how it bothered them .

 

I agree, but there is a difference between what I'm saying and what some of the guys have said in other threads.... which is what brought on the flurry of angry posts from women.

 

What I've read in other threads are guys with double standards saying its ok for them to have messed around but not the women they date.

 

... and if it turns out that she has a history he doesn't like, then somehow it is a green light to use her for whatever and call her names.

 

That is why women get angry. It is the double standards and meanness they don't like.

 

If someone decides to share their body with another person, at the very least... gratitude is called for... not the disgusting behavior I've witnessed here on LS and elsewhere.

[ChessPieceFace]

All I know for sure is that it means he has a casual view of sex and is less likely to be a moral person.

 

I must live in moraltown, USA. I don't know of ANYONE who has ever had a FWB. Granted maybe half of my friends and family are Christian, but half aren't, and while I can't state it has definitely never happened with any of them, I don't know of it ever happening.

[RedRobin]

All I know for sure is that it means he has a casual view of sex and is less likely to be a moral person.

 

I must live in moraltown, USA. I don't know of ANYONE who has ever had a FWB. Granted maybe half of my friends and family are Christian, but half aren't, and while I can't state it has definitely never happened with any of them, I don't know of it ever happening.

 

He is the first person I've attempted to date who admitted to one, although it is possible others have and just didn't tell me. I doubt it though.

 

Only because the relationship history of the men I've dated before was pretty consistent... and they certainly never talked about the people they dated in those terms.

 

I'm not willing to say he is not a moral person though. It is out of my experience range, and I just wasn't willing to take a chance on it based on what I've learned here and elsewhere.

[Kelemvor]

Just because you don't understand a FWB, doesn't mean the guy is not relationship material. Hell, you could have just cut loose a pretty amazing guy simply because he was upfront and honest with you about something that many guys would have simply kept to themselves, lied about, or left you none the wiser. Friends with benefits is not a F buddy. It's a "friend"... meaning you do have a friendship, usually a close one (obviously), and also engage in sex. It's a blurry line and usually these types of situations are not long term as one person usually starts developing more feelings for the other person than either of them may have originally intended. It's not using someone for sex. It's a mutual decision on both parts to have sex along with a friendship without the trappings of a committed relationship or hopes/dreams of getting married someday. That doesn't make someone a bad person. Most guys have had a FWB situation prior to wanting to settle down with someone, so if your screening process involves only dating men who have only dated women that they had hopes of marrying, then you're going to significantly limit your options.

 

Sure, if a guy seems like a womanizer... you should be able to pick up on that, but most womanizers don't admit to very many FWB relationships openly. It sounds like he was just being honest with you. It's up to you to decide what his motives were.... subconsciously warming you up to the idea? Or... just being open and honest because you asked? You decide... but please don't judge people for the simple reason that they've had relationships that were sexual without commitment. It's easier to do than you think.

[joystickd]

I agree, but there is a difference between what I'm saying and what some of the guys have said in other threads.... which is what brought on the flurry of angry posts from women.

 

What I've read in other threads are guys with double standards saying its ok for them to have messed around but not the women they date.

 

... and if it turns out that she has a history he doesn't like, then somehow it is a green light to use her for whatever and call her names.

 

That is why women get angry. It is the double standards and meanness they don't like.

 

If someone decides to share their body with another person, at the very least... gratitude is called for... not the disgusting behavior I've witnessed here on LS and elsewhere.

On some level I do understand where a lot of guys are coming from but in the age of DNA it's not a problem. That is considering if they are someone that at some point wanted kids. Is the meanness they say any different than women after it's over with talk about the man? If man/woman interactions end where they are not mutual someone is going to be upset.

 

I know for me I have FWBs. I would want a relationship but am terrified of being vulnerable and all that feeling stuff. Plus it's my way of not being so invested. I know for me and what I have seen it's better for the man to not be so invested in relationships. I know I have more positive results when its that way.

[RedRobin]

Just because you don't understand a FWB, doesn't mean the guy is not

relationship material.

 

I have a hard time developing intimacy and trust with a man who acknowledges being in a relationship for many years that was not loving and intimate and whose only reason for staying was sex. That makes him not a good match for me.

 

Hell, you could have just cut loose a pretty amazing guy simply because he was

upfront and honest with you about something that many guys would have simply

kept to themselves, lied about, or left you none the wiser.

 

Tough to do if you date within your social circle.

 

It's a blurry line and usually these types of situations are not long term as

one person usually starts developing more feelings for the other person than

either of them may have originally intended. It's not using someone for sex.

It's a mutual decision on both parts to have sex along with a friendship without

the trappings of a committed relationship or hopes/dreams of getting married

someday.

 

ok. I'm all about getting rid of the blurry lines. That is where people get themselves into trouble.

 

That doesn't make someone a bad person.

 

didn't say it did. I'd be fine being friends with him. Just not with benefits.

 

Most guys have had a FWB situation prior to wanting to settle down with someone,

so if your screening process involves only dating men who have only dated women

that they had hopes of marrying, then you're going to significantly limit your

options.

 

Yes, but not all of them care to repeat it either.

 

It's up to you to decide what his motives were.... subconsciously warming you

up to the idea? Or... just being open and honest because you asked? You

decide... but please don't judge people for the simple reason that they've had

relationships that were sexual without commitment. It's easier to do than you

think.

 

Did you read my prior posts?? I didn't ask. He volunteered.

 

After he volunteered, I asked him more, and not in a judgmental way.... just curious what he was going through at the time. His explanation didn't come across as him going through a phase... or something he'd change about himself going forward. His explanation came across kinda like yours... like it is ok to bin women into just for sex or for a 'relationship'. No matter how nice you are to the woman, that is still what you are saying.

 

I guess what it really comes down to is that I'm not willing to take that chance if he can separate love from sex that easily and for such a long period of time.... and he's willing to degrade her by calling her a FWB.

[Revolver]

IMO the vast majority of these FWB both parties enter in them knowingly. Again IMO I think the reason some would disagree(especially women) because even in 2013 its hard for alot of people to believe that a woman would be ok with sleeping with a guy with no commitment. It has to be some trick, he had to have lied or decieved her to get that type of Arrangment.

 

But that's not true.

[Mrlonelyone]

Plenty of women have sex with men that they have no earnest intent of having a relationship with for various reasons.

 

I.e. the wardens daughter effing "can't get right" in the movie "Life". She just wanted some black ***k.

[RedRobin]

I know for me I have FWBs. I would want a relationship but am terrified of being vulnerable and all that feeling stuff. Plus it's my way of not being so invested. I know for me and what I have seen it's better for the man to not be so invested in relationships. I know I have more positive results when its that way.

 

Women are terrified of being vulnerable too.

 

If people develop a habit of having FWB, they don't get any better at facing their fears. Why should they? They are essentially being 'enabled'... heck REWARDED for not investing for facing their issues.

 

I get it that lots of people have no interest in facing their fears or seeking to be vulnerable and intimate. Those are the men I'm trying to avoid... because they will not, and cannot appreciate me and I can't imagine developing the kind of intimacy I'm seeking.

[therhythm]

This is funny, so men actually tell you at the beginning of a relationship or while dating that they have had FWB's or similar arrangements? Why people is always asking these kind of questions... are they really expecting people to tell them the truth?

Look, I am always very upfront about my past because my case is special but if a guy would ask me what to do when a girl was asking him about this I would tell him to lie, anyone who ask that questions deserves to get lied to, how is that anyone's else business?

[RedRobin]

This is funny, so men actually tell you at the beginning of a relationship or while dating that they have had FWB's or similar arrangements? Why people is always asking these kind of questions... are they really expecting people to tell them the truth?

Look, I am always very upfront about my past because my case is special but if a guy would ask me what to do when a girl was asking him about this I would tell him to lie, anyone who ask that questions deserves to get lied, how is that anyone's else business?

 

I didn't ask him. He volunteered. I didn't end things after he volunteered that. In fact, we kept dating for another few weeks as I sought to understand his value system a bit more.

 

It is in the man's best interest to be honest about his goals and relationship style going in... There are lots of ways to do that without divulging their sexual history... granted. But it is still there. And he'd have a pretty hard time hiding it unless you met them online.

 

I'd never date someone I met online... for that reason alone.

[therhythm]

I didn't ask him. He volunteered. I didn't end things after he volunteered that. In fact, we kept dating for another few weeks as I sought to understand his value system a bit more.

 

It is in the man's best interest to be honest about his goals and relationship style going in... There are lots of ways to do that without divulging their sexual history... granted. But it is still there. And he'd have a pretty hard time hiding it unless you met them online.

 

I'd never date someone I met online... for that reason alone.

 

As you already have said it is the core values of the person you are dating and the level of attraction you actually feel for him what should matter to you.

I don't know why you people try to rationalize something as natural as mutual attraction and compatibility. No offense intended but dating someone so analytical and with so many preconceptions about the person she wants to find has to feel like a job interview and dating is supposed to be fun!

[Woggle]

IMO the vast majority of these FWB both parties enter in them knowingly. Again IMO I think the reason some would disagree(especially women) because even in 2013 its hard for alot of people to believe that a woman would be ok with sleeping with a guy with no commitment. It has to be some trick, he had to have lied or decieved her to get that type of Arrangment.

 

But that's not true.

 

Exactly. Women are not always the innocent victims when it comes to casual sex and it is not always something a man forces upon them.

[RedRobin]

IMO the vast majority of these FWB both parties enter in them knowingly. Again IMO I think the reason some would disagree(especially women) because even in 2013 its hard for alot of people to believe that a woman would be ok with sleeping with a guy with no commitment. It has to be some trick, he had to have lied or decieved her to get that type of Arrangment.

 

But that's not true.

 

No women I know would agree to go along with that arrangement...

[RedRobin]

As you already have said it is the core values of the person you are dating and the level of attraction you actually feel for him what should matter to you.

 

His core values and mine don't match. I wasn't sure at first if that was the case, or why I felt I couldn't trust him... but I understand better now.

[ffw]

As you already have said it is the core values of the person you are dating and the level of attraction you actually feel for him what should matter to you.

I don't know why you people try to rationalize something as natural as mutual attraction and compatibility. No offense intended but dating someone so analytical and with so many preconceptions about the person she wants to find has to feel like a job interview and dating is supposed to be fun!

 

 

Yes, dating is supposed to fun, but at the same is about knowing other person. It's to see if you are compatible with the other person. We all have our of way of seeing things & point of view. What may work for you may not work for others. It's simple.

[Woggle]

No women I know would agree to go along with that arrangement...

 

Then you must not know many women. In fact there are many women who prefer that type of arrangement.