Ladies: Dating men who have had 'FWB'

[RedRobin]

Then you must not know many women. In fact there are many women who prefer that type of arrangement.

 

Most of my male and female friends are married.

 

You are correct that I don't hang out with people who use others for sex... but this is one reason why I'm moving.

 

The people who share my values are taken, and the rest have these rather loose emotional/sexual arrangements that I'm not interested in nor care to sift through.

[Woggle]

Most of my male and female friends are married.

 

You are correct that I don't hang out with people who use others for sex... but this is one reason why I'm moving.

 

The people who share my values are taken, and the rest have these rather loose emotional/sexual arrangements that I'm not interested in nor care to sift through.

 

Your friends do not represent most people. We are living in an age where commitment is damn near a dirty word to both men and women in many cases.

[RedRobin]

Maybe it's because many women aren't trust worthy. It's really none of your business what kind of sex activity people have done in their pasts.

 

Read the thread... I didn't ask him.

 

...but I will be making judgements about their sexual history before I choose to sleep with a man. Absolutely.

 

I realize a lot of guys think they can be a man-whore and go find the woman of their dreams after they sow their oats...

 

But not all women are willing to sign up for that... just so ya know.

[RedRobin]

Your friends do not represent most people. We are living in an age where commitment is damn near a dirty word to both men and women in many cases.

 

I agree. But I don't want to be like most people.

[Woggle]

I agree. But I don't want to be like most people.

 

Then you have to find one of the rare people who still believe in having a loving relationship with the opposite sex. That is what I did but I can't blame a person who does something to satisfy their sexual urges in the meantime. I somebody supposed to live like a catholic priest just because finding a worthy partner seems like the hardest game of Where's Waldo ever?

[RedRobin]

You know cougars going after younger men is really FWB. Only in a few cases where it's actually a relationship. Most end up just having sex for a few months to a year.

 

There's many cases where women would just settle when they don't love the person. Sex history doesn't necessarily mean incapable being able to love. Women can get into relationship. FWB is about being honest not being fearful.

 

Adopting habits that do not lead to intimacy makes it more difficult to find love.

 

I'm not interested in developing that habit.

[RedRobin]

Then you have to find one of the rare people who still believe in having a loving relationship with the opposite sex. That is what I did but I can't blame a person who does something to satisfy their sexual urges in the meantime. I somebody supposed to live like a catholic priest just because finding a worthy partner seems like the hardest game of Where's Waldo ever?

 

I agree. However, being with someone just to satisfy my sexual urges seems like it would do more to harm than hurt my chances of finding the love I want...

 

I'm guessing that is the case for a lot of people... gives them just enough to get by... but doesn't make them solve the deep down stuff that is keeping them from a loving, committed relationship... Kind of a self-fulfilling prophecy...

[phineas]

Your friends do not represent most people. We are living in an age where commitment is damn near a dirty word to both men and women in many cases.

 

Most of my friends are still married.

The women who i meet who want a relationship before sex are honestly not people I would want to be in a relationship with.

At all.

I mean, first date they are telling me they are looking to live with a guy in the near future then want to come over for a "movie" on the 2nd date.

 

They will sleep with me that soon if I offer a relationship. Yikes. I won't lie to someone like that but I can only imagine how many men they have slept with recently who have lied to them to get sex.

 

The women I think i'd like to be in a relationship with seem to just want a steady guy to sex but also want the freedom to go out & shop around. They expect me to do the same thing also. Which is fine.

I personally believe these women sleep around far less than the one's trying to sex a man into a relationship.

 

So I've spent the last 2 yr's not getting much. LOL!

Last yr I got a little desperate & slept with someone who went stage 5 clinger on me.

Total nightmare.

 

Now, I've decided perhaps some no strings attached sex isn't such a bad idea before I get to that point of desperation again & sleep with someone I shouldn't.

[Woggle]

I agree. However, being with someone just to satisfy my sexual urges seems like it would do more to harm than hurt my chances of finding the love I want...

 

I'm guessing that is the case for a lot of people... gives them just enough to get by... but doesn't make them solve the deep down stuff that is keeping them from a loving, committed relationship... Kind of a self-fulfilling prophecy...

 

What if a person is very much capable of having a loving relationship but can't find anybody worth committing to or what if they are just tired after being hurt so many times when they tried to have commitment and it blew up in their face? Are they supposed to doom themselves to a life of celibacy?

[RedRobin]

Most of my friends are still married.

The women who i meet who want a relationship before sex are honestly not people I would want to be in a relationship with.

At all.

I mean, first date they are telling me they are looking to live with a guy in the near future then want to come over for a "movie" on the 2nd date.

 

They will sleep with me that soon if I offer a relationship. Yikes. I won't lie to someone like that but I can only imagine how many men they have slept with recently who have lied to them to get sex.

 

The women I think i'd like to be in a relationship with seem to just want a steady guy to sex but also want the freedom to go out & shop around. They expect me to do the same thing also. Which is fine.

I personally believe these women sleep around far less than the one's trying to sex a man into a relationship.

 

So I've spent the last 2 yr's not getting much. LOL!

Last yr I got a little desperate & slept with someone who went stage 5 clinger on me.

Total nightmare.

 

Now, I've decided perhaps some no strings attached sex isn't such a bad idea before I get to that point of desperation again & sleep with someone I shouldn't.

 

... or another option... you get to know them before you have sex.

 

Just a thought...

[RedRobin]

What if a person is very much capable of having a loving relationship but can't find anybody worth committing to or what if they are just tired after being hurt so many times when they tried to have commitment and it blew up in their face? Are they supposed to doom themselves to a life of celibacy?

 

It looks like that might be the case for me, yes.

 

I'd do that before agreeing to be used for sex. How depressing.

 

I can't imagine anything confirming how unloveable you feel than empty sex with someone you don't love and who doesn't love you and never will.

[BluEyeL]

I had FWB at the 31, lost my virginity with her. It was agreed before having sex it will be FWB. There was no confusion. You can't judge people by their past because we all make stupid mistakes.

 

Whatever you focus in life that's what you'll attract. You create your own reality, a certain kind of vibration. It would be very difficult to find a guy that isn't going to play games if that's what you are only thinking about.

 

Don't worry about men worry what you're doing. Wait at least a year before having sex. If a guy truly loves you he will wait. No need to wonder if he's lying or telling the truth because his actions will speak louder than what he has done in the past.

 

ONE YEAR??? My ex waited for one year for sex, but I was 19 and a virgin, AND he left me once because of that, then cried for one week and came back. But I can't imagine someone older and with a sexual past of sorts waiting one year for sex.

[phineas]

... or another option... you get to know them before you have sex.

 

Just a thought...

 

Sure, get to know them while someone else sleeps with them.

That always ends well for a guy.

[apple OR orange]

"Hmm. How am I going to know he's not trying to make ME one?"

 

I really wonder what its like in "that" boat where women will want to do sex and then try to work out "why" your having sex with them.

 

 

Meanwhile in my real world..........

[BluEyeL]

RR, this thread is really about validating your option of dumping the guy, because he "deserved to be dumped". I won't agree that he deserved to automatically be dumped. And there is no need to validate your option. If you really had strong feelings for this man, you wouldn't have dumped him because he was upfront about his sexual past. How are people supposed to be honest when everyone is so judgmental? Being harshly judgmental for me is more of a sin than having a FWB.

 

I have an almost pristine sexual past, but I know if I fall in love with someone, it would take much more than him being honest about having a FWB for 3 years (which doesn't mean that it wasn't something intimate or loving at some level, it just means they didn't want to get married some day) to dump him. I think you were not falling in love with him, you two didn't "click", didn't have the same values or whatever, and that's that. The fact that you opened this thread shows that you are a bit unsure about your option, but there is no need to be, you two were not a match, you weren't feeling it, and that's all you need to know. It bothers me that you are kinda trying to shame the guy. I've been on a date with a guy a couple of weeks ago, and the reason that I didn't offer him a second one was because he was badmouthing people he dated in the past. I mean, he might have been right, but it really doesn't matter.

 

For me is more important to be kind and honest, than be pristine and perfect. But we each have our values, and I think you should stick to yours. Just no need to validate them, there are no absolutes.

[RedRobin]

RR, this thread is really about validating your option of dumping the guy,

because he "deserved to be dumped". I won't agree that he deserved to

automatically be dumped. And there is no need to validate your option. If you

really had strong feelings for this man, you wouldn't have dumped him because he

was upfront about his sexual past. How are people supposed to be honest when

everyone is so judgmental? Being harshly judgmental for me is more of a sin than

having a FWB.

 

I didn't automatically dump him... at all.

 

When he told me about his FWB and how long it lasted, I sought to understand. He told me about her... again, she and I have a lot more similarities to each other than the woman he claimed to love afterward.

 

I HAD strong feelings for the guy, but I was not able to trust him... not because he had a FWB... but because he is ok using women for sex. For years.

 

If you are ok 'loving' a man who has those values, good for you.

 

... this thread is about me trying to get closure on why I couldn't trust him... and what I'd do differently if a man told me he had a FWB in the future...

[RedRobin]

Sure, get to know them while someone else sleeps with them.

That always ends well for a guy.

 

Well, I'm betting that is what he was trying to do with me... sleep with me while he got to know someone else.

 

That is what he did with his FWB... the one who was a lot like me... and who he ended things with to date the woman he 'loved' who was nothing like me.

 

The only difference is that he couldn't convince me to go along with it.

 

I'm not totally retarded... Thank god.

[carhill]

OP, skimmed here and the first thought which came to my mind is that it's natural to be a bit skeptical of a person with a dramatically different sexual style. Someone who enjoys sex strictly for physical pleasure, something my exW called 'recreational sex' or 'sport fµcking', is or can be different in psychological style from someone who *always* blends sex with relationships and emotional intimacy and commitment. Even if the former *can* have healthy relationships, the latter is susceptible to questioning their style differences and trying to 'understand', as you apparently are doing.

 

I found, in my demographic, that women I met were really little different in comparison to men in this regard, meaning the propensity towards recreational sex. Their self-disclosures, over time, underscored the similarities. These disclosures were augmented by those of female friends.

 

IMO, you'll have to make a decision. Can you accept that someone has a real or potential different sexual style? I did, believing people don't follow a preordained path in life, and was married for ten years. YMMV>

[joystickd]

Women are terrified of being vulnerable too.

 

If people develop a habit of having FWB, they don't get any better at facing their fears. Why should they? They are essentially being 'enabled'... heck REWARDED for not investing for facing their issues.

 

I get it that lots of people have no interest in facing their fears or seeking to be vulnerable and intimate. Those are the men I'm trying to avoid... because they will not, and cannot appreciate me and I can't imagine developing the kind of intimacy I'm seeking.

 

Its not really being enabled. I met a woman a few years ago and got to know her. She then hit me with the bait and switch. She did me dirty and when it ended ruined relationships i tried to have afterwards. It took years to get free of the drama. I just cant risk having that happen again. It took so much out of me.

[pyramid]

he is ok using women for sex. For years.

 

I think that is the thing that some posters are trying to explain. FWB doesn't mean he was using her. It's fine to say that you don't believe in having sex if you aren't in love, or whatever boundary makes sense to you, but I don't understand how you are jumping to the conclusion that he was using her.

[RedRobin]

OP, skimmed here and the first thought which came to my mind is that it's

natural to be a bit skeptical of a person with a dramatically different sexual

style. Someone who enjoys sex strictly for physical pleasure, something my exW

called 'recreational sex' or 'sport fµcking', is or can be different in

psychological style from someone who *always* blends sex with relationships and

emotional intimacy and commitment. Even if the former *can* have healthy

relationships, the latter is susceptible to questioning their style differences

and trying to 'understand', as you apparently are doing.

 

Yes. When he and I were together, it was never my intention to judge him and certainly not to shame him. I really tried to understand, but just couldn't.

 

I found, in my demographic, that women I met were really little different in

comparison to men in this regard, meaning the propensity towards recreational

sex. Their self-disclosures, over time, underscored the similarities. These

disclosures were augmented by those of female friends.

 

I'm not doubting that there are plenty of women who do. Just none of my relatives or close friends. I have no real-life examples of people who have had this work out with people who have that history... so I'm a bit skeptical.

 

 

IMO, you'll have to make a decision. Can you accept that someone has a real

or potential different sexual style? I did, believing people don't follow a

preordained path in life, and was married for ten years. YMMV>

 

 

Can I? I don't know. I tried with him and just couldn't. My guess is no.

[RedRobin]

I think that is the thing that some posters are trying to explain. FWB doesn't mean he was using her. It's fine to say that you don't believe in having sex if you aren't in love, or whatever boundary makes sense to you, but I don't understand how you are jumping to the conclusion that he was using her.

 

Why did I think he was using her? Just a gut feel... That, or I'm not hearing the whole story.

 

Something is not right.... but it is ok.

 

He 'warned' me sufficiently. He told me he had a FWB for a long period... and my impression is that he was tacitly asking my permission to treat me that way too if it suited him. That is always the case when people offer information like this... they are informing you of the risks of engagement... is my experience.

 

Given the similarities between myself and his FWB... there really is no rational reason to believe otherwise...

[joystickd]

Why did I think he was using her? Just a gut feel... That, or I'm not hearing the whole story.

 

Something is not right.... but it is ok.

 

He 'warned' me sufficiently. He told me he had a FWB for a long period... and my impression is that he was tacitly asking my permission to treat me that way too if it suited him. That is always the case when people offer information like this... they are informing you of the risks of engagement... is my experience.

 

Given the similarities between myself and his FWB... there really is no rational reason to believe otherwise...

 

At least he respects you enough to be honest. It was a long time so she was a willing participant. No using there

[RedRobin]

At least he respects you enough to be honest. It was a long time so she was a willing participant. No using there

 

He respects me enough to 'warn' me in advance. I agree.

 

Regarding the honesty... There is his side, her side, then there is the truth.

 

Since I don't personally know any woman who would agree to that, and certainly no one 'like' me who would... I'm more of the opinion that he kept things going with the excuse that he had a hard time opening up because of his divorce and played on her sympathy... and dribbled out just enough time and attention to keep the sex tap flowing... He did lots of BF/GF type activities with her, for instance. They trained for a marathon together. She met his son. Does this sound like a 'FWB'??

 

Later on, I imagine he decided to minimize the relationship AFTER the fact to justify the fact that he pursued his next girl friend while dating the so-called FWB so he wouldn't be considered a cheater.

 

That is closer to the truth... is my guess.

 

I could be wrong... but I wasn't willing to take that chance... is what it comes down to.

Edited May 25, 2013 by RedRobin

[pyramid]

He did lots of BF/GF type activities with her, for instance. They trained for a marathon together. She met his son. Does this sound like a 'FWB'??

 

Yes, that pretty much exactly describes me & my FWB. We are friends, we do stuff that friends do. Our kids play together, we ran a race together, we help each other out, we have great conversations, etc. Our relationship styles are not compatible, but we have great chemistry and always have fun, whether we are sleeping together or not. I am monogamous, so if either of us is seeing someone else, then we avoid intimacy.