Ladies: Dating men who have had 'FWB'

[irc333]

I agree, I had a woman that I started getting interested in, we started getting physically intimate, but didn't go all the way....I then started asking her about us becoming exclusive, starting up a dating relationship.....and she said that she thinks I'm a great guy.....but told me that we have so little in common it would never work.

 

 

As a guy, I passed on the sex for that reason, I don't think I could deal with having sex with someone, and then I thought of the consquences (me having my heart broke when she found someone else). It's too 'close' of a thing to take so casually.

 

 

I HAVE heard women use that term too... to describe men they are having sex with who are 'beneath' them in some way and also are not considered 'relationship material' for one reason or another. In fact, I've taken women to task here for doing that as much as I've ranted on the men.

 

Anyway, I agree that both genders are equally guilty... which is another reason why I'm not keen on dating men who have FWB. Just don't care to get sucked into that in any way shape or form.

[RedRobin]

Incorrect. You have the choice to ignore the dishonest once you realise what their intentions and goals are. You choose to focus this much on the negatives.

 

I spent nearly two months getting to know the man I'm talking about in this thread. I was really starting to care for him. It bothered me that I couldn't trust him fully and I needed to figure out why. Sorry if no one seems to be able to figure that out.

 

This exercise was necessary to understand how I felt about the FWB thing so that I can make a different decision next time. Next time I don't imagine I'd invest so much time with a man with that history. I'd assume our styles were incompatible and end it much sooner.

[Emilia]

I spent nearly two months getting to know the man I'm talking about in this thread. I was really starting to care for him. It bothered me that I couldn't trust him fully and I needed to figure out why. Sorry if no one seems to be able to figure that out.

 

This exercise was necessary to understand how I felt about the FWB thing so that I can make a different decision next time. Next time I don't imagine I'd invest so much time with a man with that history. I'd assume our styles were incompatible and end it much sooner.

I don't mean to disregard your disappointment, I understand it and certainly discussing it on LS can help. However, there appears to be exessive amount of energy, focus and emotion invested on your part in something that is negative but ultimately not earth-shattering. There is a difference between seeking advice/support and delwing into the negativity and hatred that you appear to feel.

[therhythm]

Ok. Well... if more people looked at it even close to that, then things would be a lot better...

 

Because I actually come a lot closer to your viewpoint on sex (via the carpooling metaphor) than you might imagine.

 

What we all are trying to tell you is that there are many, many people who sees sex this way... and if you walk your life with a shield you may miss out in great people who would be able to make you very happy if you would just open up!

[ReelAhdvice]

So, I'm starting this thread not sure what I want from posters. I suppose, much like the people who knowingly or unknowingly enter into FWB situations.

 

My problem is this... If a guy tells me he had a FWB, my first thought is... "Hmm. How am I going to know he's not trying to make ME one?"

 

Why do I ask? Because I don't really believe most people enter into them knowingly. A lot of them kind of slide into that when one person or the other decides the person they are having rather 'oopsie' sex with isn't so-called 'relationship material' or their feelings fade for whatever reason and they don't have the backbone to end the situation.

 

... and then things carry on until one of them finds someone else. Of course, it usually the person keeping their default FWB in the dark hoping to monkey branch without having to spend any *gasp* time alone or sex-free.

 

I'm also asking because I just dumped a guy who I learned had a FWB for THREE YEARS, after which he had another relationship for two years with someone he claimed to love. Yes, this is the term he called her. I asked him about it, why he was with someone he didn't love for so long. He didn't have a good answer. Of course, *I* am different (rolleyes). Haven't we heard all this before??

 

I just couldn't trust him after that, no matter what he did. I figured if he could do that to her, he could do that to me. I can only imagine what he might have said to keep her around. I'm not sure if she knows he considered her a FWB... and not a GF.

 

He is the first person I've ever dated for any period of time who admitted to having a FWB.

 

If I have a question, it is more to the ladies. Could you love or trust someone knowing he had used someone just for sex? And did so for an extended period?

 

In the future, I will probably just tell a guy our values aren't compatible if he admits to that... rather than try to work through it. We had a lot of things in common otherwise, though, so it is a shame.

 

Thoughts??

find one who would be committed to you.

[Babolat]

From a male perspective:

 

I honestly wouldn't have much interest in a woman who admitted to having a non-emotional sexual relationship with someone. It'd be a big turnoff.

 

I was recently trying to explain to my ex how I was alone for about 8 years in my mid 20s. By alone, I mean living alone, coming home alone, spending a lot of time alone. I dated, nothing ever developed though. I was trying to help her see she may want to spend some time alone as she is always with her friends, her family and gets panicy when she is by herself.

 

Her response was "I had f&*ck buddies for 6 years prior to my last serious relationship". She said she was honest up front and would tell the men if they were looking for a relationship she was not their girl. Oh, and she got tested every 6 months.

 

Glad a I broke up with her....

[Babolat]

Why is there an under tone on here that men just want sex? When I was 20 I met my first wife. She was a virgin; told me she would be until she got married. We dated for 2.5 years, no sex, got married, sex.

 

I always go into dating someone wanting a relationship, wanting it to work; I am NOT just looking for sex. I get told by women all the time I am good looking, Hot, fit, great personality, social, all that and I could have any woman I want. I don't care. I am proud my count is low and have no desire for a FWB.

 

RR, you posted a link of some hot movie start in a recent post...I've got him and then some! Yet I don't use it to have sex. I get looks all the time, and usually find it offensive. I was at a bar last night with 2 girls, friends, and I was getting all kinds of female attention; they even noticed it. Its kind of a turn off to me though.

 

I am trying a different approach now; friends first, no sex. I have more females friends now than I ever have!

 

What's interesting is my bro has been with over 300 woman; no he has issues!

Edited July 28, 2013 by Babolat

[Southern Cal Dude]

I find this to be hypocritical because most women themselves have FWBs. It's one thing if you don't want to date someone because they cheated in the past. That's understandable. But ruling out someone because they had sex outside of a committed relationship is a bit harsh.

[Simon Phoenix]

I'm not reading 25 pages of discussion on this, but the OP seems to be painting women as victims in these situations when in many cases, not only are they cool with it, but it's their idea. Just seems extremely naive.

[crude]

What on earth is wrong with the OP? I figured if he could do that to her, he could do that to me. Used her for sex. Don't you realize FWB is mutual.They're friends, they might've know each other since kindergarten, they both want to enjoy sex in their lives rather than be celibate, and you make it sound like the guy is ruthlessly using the woman for sex! I think it's time for RedRobin to retire from dating and give men a respite from the bitterness.

[Babolat]

Freakin' high-five to this post..

 

My counselor says this all the time: We chose where to spend our energy.....

[Els]

I think I've probably posted in this thread before, but I don't even remember what I said.

 

Just date whomever you want, really. It's okay to have any preferences you desire, including no FWBs.

 

What's up with the 25 pages on the subject?

[BradJacobs]

I'd probably be more interested in her if I knew she had a FWB.

 

Why?

 

Because people owning up to their physical needs aren't pretending to use sex as a power play in a relationship. At least that's been my experience.

[MrNate 2.0]

Welp.

[Southern Cal Dude]

RedRobin is not a misandrist. Just because she judges men the same way men judge women (boo hoo I can see why men would have a problem with this...lack of power) doesn't make her a misandrist.

 

 

Um yes, she is a misandrist. And also a hypocrite. She said herself she dumps men who sleep with her early, but who are they sleeping with? HER!

[miss_jaclynrae]

So many replies, I haven't read any of them.

 

My question? How does a FWB equate to using someone? A true FWB situation is one where BOTH parties understand what is going on. If both parties don't know that it is purely just friends having sex, then it isn't FWB.

 

 

 

I have had one, we truly were just friends, we just happened to have no strings attached sex.

[Simon Phoenix]

Not all women who don't like FWB's use sex as a "power play"

Men need to just get over the fact that we aren't wired to want to **** any moist orifice the way men do. The entitlement is kind of baffling...

 

Have you ever made a post where you weren't condemning males? Or is that the only club you have in your bag?

[Woggle]

I have no issue with women deciding not to date men who have FWBs as long as she lives up to her own standards. We all have the right to our standards.

 

My issue is the way some women act like women are the victims in these situations and think that this is something men force on women. Women who are in FWB arrangements choose to be. Nothing wrong with that but that is their choices.

[Els]

My issue is the way some women act like women are the victims in these situations and think that this is something men force on women. Women who are in FWB arrangements choose to be. Nothing wrong with that but that is their choices.

 

Correct.

 

Sounds like some men on LS and how they go on about marriage, though, don't you agree?

[therhythm]

Nor men are that evil nor women are that innocent...

 

Men and women are the Jing and the Jang, the masculinity and the femininity... opposites but necessary for each other...

 

So much generalizations about men (or about women) are just the ultimate solution for people bitter from their own experiences with the opposite gender... Those who have met someone who has made them happy would never do a ugly generalization about men or women.

This is just the escape route of angry people who are not happy with their life and don't really know how to interact with the opposite gender.

[RedRobin]

I started this thread quite a long time ago, after I stopped seeing a man.

 

Despite many things we had in common, no matter how much I enjoyed my time with him... I could not bring myself to trust him enough to agree to enter a relationship with him. The circumstances of his fairly recent, and long running FWB being one of them... that, and the circumstances of how he met the next woman he was in a relationship with.

 

I had my doubts that the so-called FWB really knew she was... but rather, this was a label he'd contrived after the fact to muddy the waters regarding the women he met while dating his so-called FWB...

 

....and I found out after the fact that I was correct. He's a cheater at worst or a monkey brancher at best. Not someone I care to trust my heart with.

 

I couldn't care less that he claimed to want a relationship with ME... because I already had some evidence to show that, when things don't work out, or when he decides to move on for whatever reason.. he calls the women he didn't care about all that much a FWB. I seriously doubt he checked it out with her first.

 

I was NOT about to risk being painted as a FWB at any point down the road simply for his convenience so he can conceal his dating habits from others in the future.... and ruin MY reputation as a person who takes care in whom she dates.

 

It was a very interesting experience... and confirmed that I require a man whose relationship style is similar to my own.

 

Most people can agree they are looking for people who share their values.... and a man who has a history of FWB and casual sex (unless it was the FAR, FAR distant past)... does not share my values.

[Els]

Nor men are that evil nor women are that innocent...

 

Men and women are the Jing and the Jang, the masculinity and the femininity... opposites but necessary for each other...

 

So much generalizations about men (or about women) are just the ultimate solution for people bitter from their own experiences with the opposite gender... Those who have met someone who has made them happy would never do a ugly generalization about men or women.

This is just the escape route of angry people who are not happy with their life and don't really know how to interact with the opposite gender.

 

Loved your post....

 

 

But you DO mean Ying and Yang, yes?

[sillyanswer]

....and I found out after the fact that I was correct. He's a cheater at worst or a monkey brancher at best. Not someone I care to trust my heart with.

 

 

What's a monkey brancher?

[Els]

It was a very interesting experience... and confirmed that I require a man whose relationship style is similar to my own.

 

Most people can agree they are looking for people who share their values.... and a man who has a history of FWB and casual sex (unless it was the FAR, FAR distant past)... does not share my values.

 

I think it's good that you know this about yourself, and to use it to guide your personal relationship choices.

 

What's up with all the renter/buyer/freeloader generalizations, though? Kinda unnecessary, don't you think? There are just people, people you're compatible with, and people you aren't. End of story.