Ladies: Dating men who have had 'FWB'

[Jane2011]

I can assure if a woman had more than 3 to 4 sex partners I would be thinking twice of dating her. I don't care if was in a relationship or not.

 

I don't know a single guy that had 9 FWBs let alone 4.

 

Okay, well, that's a different topic altogether. How many past sex partners will one tolerate?

 

Your boundaries are duly noted...

[Jane2011]

I can assure if a woman had more than 3 to 4 sex partners I would be thinking twice of dating her. I don't care if was in a relationship or not.

 

I don't know a single guy that had 9 FWBs let alone 4. According to you women us guys are better off settling for a relationship, have sex then toss her to the side when we done with her.

 

I don't know a guy who has had 9 FWB either. It was just an example to make a point.

[RedRobin]

I can totally see both sides of it.

 

I have a FWB because I don't want to wait around for the right person and never have sex until that point.

 

If he was trying to FWB you, he'd make that clear. Or at least he should and that's how these types of relationships work.

 

I know my FWB would like it to be more but I've told her many many many times that it's not going to happen for a multitude of reasons and if she's uncomfortable with that and wants to end this thing, I completely understand.

 

Yah, that might make me a jerk but at least I'm honest about it with her.

 

The reality is that we both have high sex drives and you gotta do what you gotta do. If I go too long without sex I start thinking and behaving differently and just not generally myself. Start acting like a player and hitting on everything that has a vagina and I don't like being "that guy".

 

But none of that dictates how a person is as a relationship partner.

 

No... I don't believe that all of them do. At all. I think they try to lock you in emotionally/sexually first... then withdraw attention after the fact and only keep dribbling in just enough to keep the sex going. They will never tell you that you are their 'FWB' because you wouldn't go along with it. These are not men who are looking to build a loving, intimate relationship.

 

I believe this is the reason he would not introduce me to either of these two women...

 

Did I mention the guy is a behaviorist... that is his profession?? I'm sure he's well trained in these things.

 

nope... something was off... The FWB was the 'canary'... that's all.

[Babolat]

I have not read the entire post so forgive me if this has been addressed. When did the FWB start? Was there a relationship, that ended maybe, yet they continued to see each other for sex? Or was it FWB from day 1?

 

I have tried the former, and for me it lasts for about 2-3 encounters, and then my gut/heart tells me it's wrong, and I stop. And in all of the cases the woman was the one who initiated the "lets still have sex".

 

Either way, as a man, I am not sure how I feel about it. My first/immediate response is I would not like that my partner had done that for an extended period of time, though I am not sure if it's a deal breaker. It may be.

 

"ability to delay gratification"

 

Wow, I am impressed! I have never heard anyone, except myself, use this phrase when describing their ideal partner nor do I think most folks even understand what this means. You must have read A Road Less Travelled!

 

My last partner had serious issues with this.

 

 

.

Edited May 28, 2013 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Merge

[happydate]

meh. I see plenty of them. They are my friends, relatives, and mentors. I know what good men look like. Nearly all of them married relatively young and stayed that way.

 

 

We've already established that most men have pretty low standards about who they 'date'...

 

... and most of them these days are too paranoid about being friend-zoned to allow a woman to get to know him.

 

So, we are at an impasse, it seems.

 

He can judge me all he likes. If he thinks I'm a cheat, then he shouldn't be trying to sleep with me... but that is not how it works in a lot of men's minds.

 

A lot of men will simply justify using or mistreating a woman they've made a judgment about... whether that judgment is true or not... and they would never even tell her what that judgment is. They just do whatever they want and hope to get away with it.

 

... then they come to LS and tell women like me that it is women's fault that they act this way... and that it is women's fault that these men exist.

 

Sorry... you'll have to sell this snake oil elsewhere... I'm not buying it.

 

You sound so bitter and angry. Why is this happening to a beautiful soul like yourself? Why are you treating yourself as a victim in this? Why judging some men as good as some men as bad based only on your distorted view of your perceptive reality, so you can attack them and filter them out of your life?

 

Obviously if other women are finding your bad dudes attractive and their willingness to be with him as his FWB, then perhaps it is your anger and your frustration that you always getting the shorter end of the stick is what is driving your bitterness in the situation today.

 

If the man is bad, then he won't get a FWB relationship. Women aren't stupid. They know if you want a FWB, they want to do it with a safe person. Sexual transmitted disease is already tough enough and having to endure physical and emotional abuse is something else. If the man is popular and have several FWBs, this means he knows how to handle his ladies and his ladies accept these arrangements. Is he any worse than someone on Wall Street who sell you stocks only to raid your 401k clean and say, oh it's too bad so sad you lost all your money. Any one who goes into a FWB relationship need to accept some sort of responsibility. You are trying to control and manipulate a situation towards your own benefit and you are not treating these men as human beings, rather than they are just your "things" to play and filter out of your life. If that's your M.O, then it's only fair that they too treat you just a thing with a hole they can relief their sperm into. That's it.

 

If you are expecting more from a FWB like you're going through a back door, then it is your perception and not his. You always used the word "A Lot of men", but these men are your men. They are not me, nor men here on LS who choose to be in a FWB. You generalize men so much that I think those men hurt you a lot. I'm sorry to hear that some men do this to you, but I can assure you that a lot of other men treat women right and be upfront.

[happydate]

I'd date a guy who had a FWB before. I'd judge all of this on a case-by-case basis, truly (provided I even had access to all the details of his past relationships/involvements in the first four weeks of knowing/falling for him, which I probably wouldn't).

 

But...I think a lot of things factor in to how I would judge or not judge it. How old is he in relation to how many he's had (and what was the nature of the involvement(s)?). I mean, he may have had two with whom he actually WANTED a relationship but the women in question didn't, but he stayed in because his feelings were there and he was lonely. He may have had one who he didn't have feelings for at all, but who he initially thought might be a relationship. When it wasn't one, after all, he was enjoying the sexual relationship and had been lonely for a year before, so kept it going. He may have had one where it's true he didn't have a lot of feelings for her, but was actually nice/not an a-hole about it, and again it was something he fell into after first thinking a relationship might be there.

 

Then, there's age. If he's like 40 and has had three in the past, but has also had two meaningful relationships that lasted 3+ years apiece since he first started dating at age 20, would I really say he's incapable of taking a woman seriously because he's had an FWB before?

 

Let's say he's 23 and has had nine FWB and no serious relationships, then yeah, maybe I won't date him. Let's say he's 29 and had four FWB and two serious relationships but I know for a fact that he was haughty and arrogant toward the FWBs he had, then yeah, I'd not want to date him.

 

A lot of different things come into play, for me.

 

I guess the main thing I'd want to know is that he spent his dating life looking mostly for relationships, not FWB. If he fell into some FWB anyway, I wouldn't condemn him for it necessarily. In fact, provided they weren't the most disgusting/appalling/lewd/jerkiness-on-his-part circumstances, the fact that he can get women at all is to his credit. (Still wouldn't want someone who had tons and tons of conquests in that regard, though).

 

The key to some people's need for a FWB is to be happy with someone, because they can't be happy alone. Happiness is key. Some men can be happy alone. Full of joy, laughter and fun and be himself without needing a woman to fill in his loneliness. When he dates, he is himself, authentic and when he's hurt he can bounce back without carrying any repressed emotions (scars and baggages). People with repressed emotions are easily bitter, angry, frustrated etc.. His secret dating weapon when he dates women is that, he can WALK AWAY if a woman treats him badly through control and manipulation. He knows most women leverage sex through their own power trip. When these women have no sex to offer, what else can they do? Nothing. Only confident positive women who don't need to offer sex to get their men can offer something else; their feminity power through their confidence. She does not need to control their men through manipulation. Why do you need to delay sex? Sex is an adjunct to these happy relationships, not the means to an end.

 

Engaging yourself in FWB relationships basically carve a deeper wound on your issues and the means that you are going to justify these actions because in a way, you are going to project yourself as a victim. Some men here had done the right things; walk away from this as this goes against their moral values. It's because once you compromise your moral values is when your whole perspective on life itself goes downhill.

 

Best..

Edited May 28, 2013 by happydate

[phineas]

oh baloney. I've had successful relationships since my divorce.

 

(shaking head)

 

I get it that people REALLY REALLY have it deep down ingrained in their psyche that men are supposed to be let off the hook for their behavior... and it is women's job to overlook their little faux pas.

 

Rather than them learn to be decent men in the first place.

 

If they were so successful, why are you still single?

[phineas]

Just because a woman says something you dont like doesnt mean she is bitter and angry.

 

Why LS is it when women say something about men that isnt positive, they are called bitter and jaded yet when men do it (tons of men doing this on this site) they dont get called the same thing?

 

Redrobin is smart and doesnt tolerate bullcrap. In no way is she cynical or bitter. Shes 100% right in my opinion.

 

She is calling people names and insulting them simply because they view sex differently.

 

Every man she meets just wants to use her for sex according to her also.

 

Not bitter or cynical?

Which thread are you reading?

[joystickd]

Just because a woman says something you dont like doesnt mean she is bitter and angry.

 

Why LS is it when women say something about men that isnt positive, they are called bitter and jaded yet when men do it (tons of men doing this on this site) they dont get called the same thing?

 

Redrobin is smart and doesnt tolerate bullcrap. In no way is she cynical or bitter. Shes 100% right in my opinion.

Red Robin is bitter and addicted to the struggle anybody with a brain can see that. All the negativity and judgement about men. If men are so wanting to get into her pants all the time why she single. Can you honestly tell why? If she gets so bent out of shape about "slut shaming" why does she get on here and talk S**t about men. The answer is bitter.

[RedRobin]

You sound so bitter and angry. Why is this happening to a beautiful soul like yourself? Why are you treating yourself as a victim in this? Why judging some men as good as some men as bad based only on your distorted view of your perceptive reality, so you can attack them and filter them out of your life?

 

Obviously if other women are finding your bad dudes attractive and their willingness to be with him as his FWB, then perhaps it is your anger and your frustration that you always getting the shorter end of the stick is what is driving your bitterness in the situation today.

 

If the man is bad, then he won't get a FWB relationship. Women aren't stupid. They know if you want a FWB, they want to do it with a safe person. Sexual transmitted disease is already tough enough and having to endure physical and emotional abuse is something else. If the man is popular and have several FWBs, this means he knows how to handle his ladies and his ladies accept these arrangements. Is he any worse than someone on Wall Street who sell you stocks only to raid your 401k clean and say, oh it's too bad so sad you lost all your money. Any one who goes into a FWB relationship need to accept some sort of responsibility. You are trying to control and manipulate a situation towards your own benefit and you are not treating these men as human beings, rather than they are just your "things" to play and filter out of your life. If that's your M.O, then it's only fair that they too treat you just a thing with a hole they can relief their sperm into. That's it.

 

If you are expecting more from a FWB like you're going through a back door, then it is your perception and not his. You always used the word "A Lot of men", but these men are your men. They are not me, nor men here on LS who choose to be in a FWB. You generalize men so much that I think those men hurt you a lot. I'm sorry to hear that some men do this to you, but I can assure you that a lot of other men treat women right and be upfront.

 

I really have no idea what you are talking about. I've never been in a FWB arrangement and haven't had ONS either.

 

Probably because I don't date men who have or do... or maybe, just maybe, they have enough class or civility to tell people that they dated the women they become intimate with... and are better at making a clean break between partners than the man I'm talking about in this thread. Seems like a good life strategy to me.

 

... but keep the comments flowing... because I'm seeing just about every shade of which way on the justifications for it. Will help me better filter out these types in the future should I run across them.

[RedRobin]

If they were so successful, why are you still single?

 

Why am I still single? Because I didn't want to marry them. However, they were caring, honest, considerate men. There were just things that would cause problems down the road.

 

One of them I still work with occasionally in my community/volunteer work. The other is now one of my best friends. I helped him find his current GF... they are definitely a better fit than he and I. His GF and I are now friends too.

 

One of the reasons, I'm sure, that she feels comfortable with me is because there was no backsliding or FWB type stuff after the fact between me and him.

[joystickd]

I really have no idea what you are talking about. I've never been in a FWB arrangement and haven't had ONS either.

 

Probably because I don't date men who have or do... or maybe, just maybe, they have enough class or civility to tell people that they dated the women they become intimate with... and are better at making a clean break between partners than the man I'm talking about in this thread. Seems like a good life strategy to me.

 

... but keep the comments flowing... because I'm seeing just about every shade of which way on the justifications for it. Will help me better filter out these types in the future should I run across them.

What's your justification for talking all this about men but get mad when men talk about women in regards to their past? If you filter out too much you will end up with nothing.

[RedRobin]

She is calling people names and insulting them simply because they view sex differently.

 

Every man she meets just wants to use her for sex according to her also.

 

Not bitter or cynical?

Which thread are you reading?

 

Most single men these days are quite happy just using women for sex... feelings and consideration come much, much later... if at all.

 

You've said so yourself many times. So have the other men here.

 

So, am not sure what your problem is... that I'm calling it for what it is??

 

Or is it like one of those things that only MEN are allowed to divulge and back-slap about. Is that it??? It's ok for men to acknowledge that they just use women for sex... but if a woman calls it out, then you have a problem?

 

I do get it that you guys want to be viewed as honorable and above reproach when it suits you... Nice try.

[joystickd]

Most men are quite happy just using women for sex... feelings and consideration come much, much later... if at all.

 

You've said so yourself many times. So have the other men here.

 

So, am not sure what your problem is... that I'm calling it for what it is??

 

Or is it like one of those things that only MEN are allowed to divulge and back-slap about. Is that it??? It's ok for men to acknowledge that they just use women for sex... but if a woman calls it out, then you have a problem?

 

I do get it that you guys want to be viewed as honorable and above reproach when it suits you... Nice try.

No it's not that even that. You can't use a willing participant. I think even if we stated we were honest about it and they felt not used that you would still see it as men using women.

[joystickd]

Most single men these days are quite happy just using women for sex... feelings and consideration come much, much later... if at all.

 

This is why you single the negative views about men. Why even continue dating if you see men as only using women for sex? Why get on here and gripe about men and our bad behavior but want to date us? Can you even acknowledge that good men are out here and more than just a small amount and that women have bad behavior too. What did you contribute to these potential relationships not working? Honestly it's not always their fault.

[Woggle]

Most single men these days are quite happy just using women for sex... feelings and consideration come much, much later... if at all.

 

You've said so yourself many times. So have the other men here.

 

So, am not sure what your problem is... that I'm calling it for what it is??

 

Or is it like one of those things that only MEN are allowed to divulge and back-slap about. Is that it??? It's ok for men to acknowledge that they just use women for sex... but if a woman calls it out, then you have a problem?

 

I do get it that you guys want to be viewed as honorable and above reproach when it suits you... Nice try.

 

I actually agree with much of what you say about how people view each other disposable and just somebody else to use these days but where you lose me is when you single out men. I think a lot of men are just sick of always being blamed for the state of relationships today when in reality both men and women have contributed to it. At least realize that there is plenty of blame to go in both directions.

[RedRobin]

No it's not that even that. You can't use a willing participant. I think even if we stated we were honest about it and they felt not used that you would still see it as men using women.

 

If I were able to verify that, then I might change my opinion about the situation.

 

Since I was not offered that opportunity, I have my doubts it was all on the up and up.

 

It's like the guys who are married and tell me they have an open relationship... and then try to engage me in an affair. I tell them to put the wife on the phone and we'll have a nice chat about it.

 

Quite effective in ending that nonsense.

 

anyway, why don't you just call these women your GF and that you dated off and on, or whatever? What's the problem?? If you really do have an understanding between the two of you, it shouldn't be an issue. Rather than diminish them in public or private by calling them a FWB or f*ckbuddy. It is kind of gross and trashy, if you ask me.

[crederer]

All I can speak from is from my own experience. Any FWB situation I've ever been in has been greatly communicated. It does sound to me that you have trust issues. Most players aren't trying to get FWB, they're trying to f*ck and chuck.

[joystickd]

If I were able to verify that, then I might change my opinion about the situation.

 

Since I was not offered that opportunity, I have my doubts it was all on the up and up.

 

It's like the guys who are married and tell me they have an open relationship... and then try to engage me in an affair. I tell them to put the wife on the phone and we'll have a nice chat about it.

 

Quite effective in ending that nonsense.

 

anyway, why don't you just call these women your GF and that you dated off and on, or whatever? What's the problem?? If you really do have an understanding between the two of you, it shouldn't be an issue. Rather than diminish them in public or private by calling them a FWB. It is kind of gross and trashy, if you ask me.

The thing is I can't be looked at the bad guy when she agrees to it. Two people in the FWB so the man can't take all the blame. If she was really wanting a relationship and be the girlfriend then she should woman up and demand the respect she deserves. We don't call them the GF because they accepted that role. Why change that if they accept it? It's like you women saying " I like you as a friend". Why change that as a woman if you are getting your needs? You have even mention that your male friends satisfy your emotional needs something that should happen in a relationship so are you really any different than men in FWBs. I think not and most people would agree

[RedRobin]

No man in their right mind is actually enjoying just sex. Men do have feelings, news flash. FWB isn't about using people it's a mutual agreement. Players are the ones that use women because they lie to the women they are in a relationship. I can assure you a man who sleep around a lot isn't happy. Men do need to feel valued by someone. We are not emotionless creatures you seem to portray.

 

Obviously you have no idea how men think. Father got a woman pregnant not in a relationship long time ago yet when he married he's been faithful. I know my father never cheated on my step mom. People just make stupid mistakes when they younger.

 

For someone who dated many men successfully you don't really understand men.

 

Sure I do. I hold them to higher standards because I know what they are capable of. They are capable of so much more...

[joystickd]

Sure I do. I hold them to higher standards because I know what they are capable of. They are capable of so much more...

Those are not standards. Can you honestly say 8 good things about men?

[Adele0908]

Personally, I dislike the whole FWB thing.

 

But the truth of the matter is that many desirable men have had one or have one. Even the less desirable men have had one. A FWB to me is a woman who a man MAY have considered dating at first, or didn't consider dating seriously, because of some undesirable quality that she possessed, in his mind.

 

The last few guys I dated all had a history of either one night stands, FWBs, or sex with no strings, but men can have sex without emotions more easily.

 

I'll admit that it's a turnoff if a man is trying to be with me, while actively having a FWB. I feel bad for the girl that he is just screwing around with.

 

But I never really think that "it could happen to me" with the guy...maybe I'm naive but I feel like I'm girlfriend/wife material. And usually when guys come to me they are trying to be serious with me. Basically, I seem to attract what I project...which is "I'm that chick!"

 

And if I sense that somebody is trying to play me, out the door I go.

[RedRobin]

The thing is I can't be looked at the bad guy when she agrees to it. Two people in the FWB so the man can't take all the blame. If she was really wanting a relationship and be the girlfriend then she should woman up and demand the respect she deserves. We don't call them the GF because they accepted that role. Why change that if they accept it? It's like you women saying " I like you as a friend". Why change that as a woman if you are getting your needs? You have even mention that your male friends satisfy your emotional needs something that should happen in a relationship so are you really any different than men in FWBs. I think not and most people would agree

 

My male friends consider me to be a very good friend. Better than many of their same gender friends in fact.

 

I agree that if women want a relationship, they need to step up or walk.

[joystickd]

My male friends consider me to be a very good friend. Better than many of their same gender friends in fact.

 

I agree that if women want a relationship, they need to step up or walk.

Why have an opinion of men being users when women are the enablers? The also have a responsibility to not accept being in a situation they don't want to be in. They may but you did say they meet your needs so essentially you are using them. You demand so much because you say men are capable of better. What do you have to offer this quality man that you seek out and how do you know he would want to date you given your history of filtering out men and your attitude towards men seeing us as users?

[RedRobin]

All I can speak from is from my own experience. Any FWB situation I've ever been in has been greatly communicated. It does sound to me that you have trust issues. Most players aren't trying to get FWB, they're trying to f*ck and chuck.

 

If a 'player' could get regular, reliable sex and still f*ck and chuck (as you say), wouldn't that be ideal??

 

In fact... it seems like there are plenty of guys who would love to have a string of FWB or f*ckbuddies they can juggle... Especially if he can convince her to be monogamous when he isn't.

 

I mean, if you are able to get one... why not get two or three going... just as a backup in case one of them 'catches feelings' or whatever??

 

It's not like you are accountable to each other or anything...