Ladies: Dating men who have had 'FWB'

[kassy]

It is my impression that most of you don't really place too high a standard on who you 'date'... So, it's not like I'm insulted...

 

... and many of you also claim quite vociferously all the reasons why you don't need or want to commit to anyone.

 

So, my opinion stands.

 

I could decide to have sex with strangers just for fun any day. That's easy.

 

However, most of you here are not capable of making other choices regarding your sexuality... that is what makes it an 'addiction'.

 

I think my boyfriend would disagree with you ... Yes he's amazing and no I would never cheat on him (and I have never cheated on anyone). I honestly couldn't be happier. In fact, I hope we get to spend the rest of our lives together. Yes, I struggle with commitment clearly.

 

Also he travels a lot for work, and me, the crazy sex addict that I am apparently, well I seem to have no problem not sleeping with others when he's away...

 

I place a very high standard on who I sleep with, and even more so on who I date. I still have no idea how having a **** buddy was supposed to give you all this insight into who we are. As the rhythm said, you don't know anything about us.

[RedRobin]

I think my boyfriend would disagree with you ... Yes he's amazing and no I would never cheat on him (and I have never cheated on anyone). I honestly couldn't be happier. In fact, I hope we get to spend the rest of our lives together. Yes, I struggle with commitment clearly.

 

Also he travels a lot for work, and me, the crazy sex addict that I am apparently, well I seem to have no problem not sleeping with others when he's away...

 

I place a very high standard on who I sleep with, and even more so on who I date. I still have no idea how having a **** buddy was supposed to give you all this insight into who we are. As the rhythm said, you don't know anything about us.

 

Copy and paste your post above somewhere and come back to it in 10 years... ask yourself if there is any correlation.

 

On average, people who are more promiscuous do cheat more. Men and women. On average. You may be the exception. Who knows.

 

I'm not taking that risk... but that is not even my biggest concern. I've been cheated on before. Wasn't the end of the world. That was his choice and it had nothing to do with me. He had other choices he could have made. He was just a coward. Big deal.

 

What is worse is investing one's time and emotions in someone who has a history of viewing people as a good-for-now option. It is out of my comprehension why anyone would knowingly invest in someone who does that... and why *I* should believe them when they say I'm 'different'...

 

....talk about crazy...

Edited May 28, 2013 by RedRobin

[irc333]

I like your posts, but I think you are being a bit too tough here, imho. It is very difficult to go sex free for years while looking for a special match

 

You have heard of self-gratification, yes?

[BluEyeL]

You have heard of self-gratification, yes?

 

Yeah, but not quite the same.

[edgygirl]

Wow such a long thread. I confess I only read the first 1-2 pages. I'll try to be honest here without being offensive. RR, I read two of your last threads and you seem a bit harsh on your screening tactics with men. I read your thread about really being disappointed that a man had a DUI and now this thread where you don't think someone who has had FWB relationships is a good potential match. Honestly, if you keep thinking like this it will be very hard to find someone. We all have skeletons in our closets, we all did things we are not proud of. I really don't think those show a huge flaw in character. DUIs are stupid but I can see how someone would get into that when they're younger and stupid. FWB...? Most people need sex in between relationships. Both men and women. So - most normal thing in the world unless the guy is trying to make it seem like a romance just to get the girl in bed and is being a jerk hiding his lack of interest in a relationship.

 

The way I see it... we all should soften our non-negotiables keeping them for things that really matter. It seems those things matter to you a lot, but I think the most important things are shared values, goals in life, willingness to enter a real relationship and build a family together etc etc. Skeletons? Everyone has them. Hope I didn't offend you.

[BluEyeL]

I usually agree with you, Red Robin. The problem I have with the way you present things is that you appear very judgmental. For example, promiscuous people tend to do this and that. People who do that are sex addicts. I'm not sure what "promiscuous" means anyway? Why do we need to label people, we are all free to do what we please with our bodies and lives. I do not have a fwb, but if I am to be VERY honest that is because I'm afraid to be emotionally hurt, not that I'm some kind of saint. If someone is emotionally stronger than me and are not afraid to go for it (talking about women here mostly), doesn't mean they are promiscuous or bad, while I'm good.

[kassy]

Copy and paste your post above somewhere and come back to it in 10 years... ask yourself if there is any correlation.

 

On average, people who are more promiscuous do cheat more. Men and women. On average. You may be the exception. Who knows.

 

I'm not taking that risk... but that is not even my biggest concern. I've been cheated on before. Wasn't the end of the world. That was his choice and it had nothing to do with me. He had other choices he could have made. He was just a coward. Big deal.

 

What is worse is investing one's time and emotions in someone who has a history of viewing people as a good-for-now option. It is out of my comprehension why anyone would knowingly invest in someone who does that... and why *I* should believe them when they say I'm 'different'...

 

....talk about crazy...

 

Who said I'm promiscuous? Oh that's right you did. Oh and my boyfriend, he isn't promiscuous either lol

 

I've had fantastic relationships with great men. I haven't been cheated on, or treated like crap. Am still friends with those who have been significant boyfriends.

 

I really think in 10 years I will be happy with my life, whatever that may be, and you will probably be chastising some poor man for something he did 10 years before meeting you... Or still single as you rule men out.

 

You seem very judgemental based on strange criteria. As someone mentioned above maybe a defense mechanism? I know you don't think much of me, but maybe dealing with your ex cheating on you with a shrink might be more productive in terms of helping you find a more appropriate man to date than a weird list of random criteria based on nothing.

 

Ok well I'm going to leave the thread now but good luck with it all. Genuinely hope you meet the right guy for you

[happydate]

Why are you dragging a deceased psychotherapist's babble into this thread ? I have read about her, I don't find anything she has to say, published, opined on credible or FACTUAL.

 

Basically, in your biography of a response which is totally devoid of fact and inaccurate can be equated to: a woman was sexually assaulted, she was sexually assaulted because she dressed skimpy and was asking for it. Yeah when you take the skin and fat off your post, it boils down to that antiquated foolish mentality.

 

Then why are you so aggressive and angry towards her?

[RedRobin]

I usually agree with you, Red Robin. The problem I have with the way you present things is that you appear very judgmental. For example, promiscuous people tend to do this and that. People who do that are sex addicts. I'm not sure what "promiscuous" means anyway? Why do we need to label people, we are all free to do what we please with our bodies and lives. I do not have a fwb, but if I am to be VERY honest that is because I'm afraid to be emotionally hurt, not that I'm some kind of saint. If someone is emotionally stronger than me and are not afraid to go for it (talking about women here mostly), doesn't mean they are promiscuous or bad, while I'm good.

 

Being able to have a FWB doesn't mean that one is emotionally stronger. IMHO, it means just the opposite.

[RedRobin]

I think, respectfully, that you being cheated on had a more profound effect on you then you think. You may think that it wasn't the end of the world however with that being said subconsciously you are using all your stringent standards and assumptions as a defense mechanism. Something in your past is triggering this.

 

I realize that is common logic.

 

The reality is that I believe that I don't have to settle for a man who has done things I haven't and who shows with his actions to have poor judgment.

 

... and especially ones who aren't remorseful about it.

[happydate]

I disagree. There are tons of ways to detect if a man has had FWB or have a habit of using women for sex. Too many women just go on their 'feelings' and overlook the signs. They are all over the place.

 

 

 

This was the first guy I dated who admitted to it, so I can't say I'm attracting them in droves. I also only date men in my social circle who come with 'recommendations' of some kind. In situations where there is a disconnect, I make sure that the people doing the recommending get fresh information.. respectfully of course. In this situation, I told my friend who thought he was a good guy, that he has a history of FWB and I'm not ok with that.

 

Ok. Well, with all due respect, I imagine that employers should stop screening too? Or they shouldn't have any need for screening because they are attracting potential employees that don't fit for their company?

 

I'd say a better suggestion is to just screen effectively and very quickly. Which is what I do.

 

... but your comment made me think through this issue a bit.

 

I've screened him, like a good 'employer'... Before this situation, I didn't know how I'd feel about someone who had a FWB before... and felt that lifestyle was ok. Now I do. Having had a number of conversations with him.

 

He wasn't 'hired'... so no worries.

 

Your #1 mistake here is that, you are generalizing that it is easy to detect if a man has had FWB based on your distorted perception, your reality and not the reality of many other women out there who had never had a FWB relationship. If you are attracting these men, then there are similar traits he has that you are attracted to. Like attracts like. Which means to filter them is to understand yourself, which is why you can filter them. Will you meet a non-FWB man that will treat you right? The chances of that are pretty slim to none, which is why you haven't seen them yet.

 

In today's world, some men adopt an open relationship because most of them are being burned by unpromising relationships. Part of the reason is that, these men aren't confident enough and secure enough to hold themselves and their opinions. They are still boys and haven't matured. As soon as the girls squeeze them hard enough, they confess like a wounded puppy. After so many wounded relationships, their heart shut down and then logic takes its place and the only relationship they see fit is an open relationship. These men are the wounded nice guys and the wounded bad boys. What you are looking for and most women want is a bad boy with a heart or a good guy.

This guy, after so many wounded relationships, decided to heal and rose from the ashes. This new guy still date with a heart but care less if he fails or not. He puts his 100% heart into the woman and don't play games, because he is himself. His M.O is being authentic, so no matter how many tests women throw at him, he is unaffected. No matter how hard you squeeze him, you can only squeeze his loving heart. This guy is RARE and the only way you can attract him is for you to date with your heart. If you use your brain (logic) to date people, then all you're going to get are guys or boys who date with logic or game play, because they play games to get girls so you are attracted to them. Makes sense?

 

You can not meet a guy who dates with a heart with your game play logic. They will know; at least I know.

 

Naturally born guys with a heart are quite rare. He must have the best family upbringing as well as complete and utter freedom of his development from childhood. Very rare.

 

So, to mitigate this, other guys can be healed through therapy to become good guys with a heart. Girls can also be healed and then date with a heart.

It's a difficult concept to grasp, but that has been my experience thus far.

The Universe will line up men for you once you are healed. The Universe can not line up good guys with a heart for you to date, because you will get frustrated cause none of these guys will even talk to you once they know you are screening them.

 

Screening is a basically a form of judgement. You judge the person before you even get to know them. What if he doesn't judge you when he dates you? How are you being fair to him?

If you judge him, then why couldn't he judge you? What if he thinks you're a cheat before he gets to know you? The coin flips both ways.

Edited May 28, 2013 by happydate

[RedRobin]

Who said I'm promiscuous? Oh that's right you did. Oh and my boyfriend, he isn't promiscuous either lol

 

I've had fantastic relationships with great men. I haven't been cheated on, or treated like crap. Am still friends with those who have been significant boyfriends.

 

I really think in 10 years I will be happy with my life, whatever that may be, and you will probably be chastising some poor man for something he did 10 years before meeting you... Or still single as you rule men out.

 

You seem very judgemental based on strange criteria. As someone mentioned above maybe a defense mechanism? I know you don't think much of me, but maybe dealing with your ex cheating on you with a shrink might be more productive in terms of helping you find a more appropriate man to date than a weird list of random criteria based on nothing.

 

Ok well I'm going to leave the thread now but good luck with it all. Genuinely hope you meet the right guy for you

 

I realize lots of women have low standards for men... Perhaps what is unfortunate for me is that I have so many good male friends, relatives, and mentors who haven't done the things so many single men in my dating age range have done.

 

They don't have DUI's, they don't have FWB or f*ckbuddies, they aren't addicts or former addicts, alcoholics, or anything else. They don't have criminal records, and they use their money wisely.

 

yet, I'm told that this is what I'm going to have to overlook so that I won't be 'single'??? Um. Yea. Not thinking this is a tradeoff I care to make...

[RedRobin]

Your #1 mistake here is that, you are generalizing that it is easy to detect if

a man has had FWB based on your distorted perception, your reality and not the

reality of many other women out there who had never had a FWB relationship. If

you are attracting these men, then there are similar traits he has that you are

attracted to. Like attracts like. Which means to filter them is to understand

yourself, which is why you can filter them. Will you meet a non-FWB man that

will treat you right? The chances of that are pretty slim to none, which is why

you haven't seen them yet.

 

meh. I see plenty of them. They are my friends, relatives, and mentors. I know what good men look like. Nearly all of them married relatively young and stayed that way.

 

In today's world, some men adopt an open relationship because most of them are being burned by unpromising relationships. Part of the reason is that, these men aren't confident enough and secure enough to hold themselves and their opinions. They are still boys and haven't matured. As soon as the girls squeeze them hard enough, they confess like a wounded puppy. After so many wounded relationships, their heart shut down and then logic takes its place and the only relationship they see fit is an open relationship. These men are the wounded nice guys and the wounded bad boys. What you are looking for and most women want is a bad boy with a heart or a good guy.

This guy, after so many wounded relationships, decided to heal and rose from the ashes. This new guy still date with a heart but care less if he fails or not. He puts his 100% heart into the woman and don't play games, because he is himself. His M.O is being authentic, so no matter how many tests women throw at him, he is unaffected. No matter how hard you squeeze him, you can only squeeze his loving heart. This guy is RARE and the only way you can attract him is for you to date with your heart. If you use your brain (logic) to date people, then all you're going to get are guys or boys who date with logic or game play, because they play games to get girls so you are attracted to them. Makes sense?

 

Thanks for the explanation, but no. Doesn't make sense to me.

 

You can not meet a guy who dates with a heart with your game play logic. They

will know; at least I know.

 

I have no idea what you are talking about. I don't play games. If I did, I would have just used this guy and other ones.

 

Naturally born guys with a heart are quite rare. He must have the best family

upbringing as well as complete and utter freedom of his development from

childhood. Very rare.

 

Really?? They aren't that rare where I come from. That's my problem. If I really believed that all men were such-n-such I would have settled for one of them long ago.

 

So, to mitigate this, other guys can be healed through therapy to become good

guys with a heart. Girls can also be healed and then date with a heart.

 

 

It's a difficult concept to grasp, but that has been my experience thus

far.

 

 

The Universe will line up men for you once you are healed. The Universe can

not line up good guys with a heart for you to date, because you will get

frustrated cause none of these guys will even talk to you once they know you are

screening them.

 

Funny... so many men today are the ones who are presenting themselves to BE screened with all the pressure they put on to push things prematurely. If they are going to oblige me to make a decision about them... then I will. Usually not in their favor.

 

Screening is a basically a form of judgement. You judge the person before

you even get to know them. What if he doesn't judge you when he dates you? How

are you being fair to him?

 

We've already established that most men have pretty low standards about who they 'date'...

 

... and most of them these days are too paranoid about being friend-zoned to allow a woman to get to know him.

 

So, we are at an impasse, it seems.

 

If you judge him, then why couldn't he judge you? What if he thinks you're a

cheat before he gets to know you? The coin flips both ways.

 

He can judge me all he likes. If he thinks I'm a cheat, then he shouldn't be trying to sleep with me... but that is not how it works in a lot of men's minds.

 

A lot of men will simply justify using or mistreating a woman they've made a judgment about... whether that judgment is true or not... and they would never even tell her what that judgment is. They just do whatever they want and hope to get away with it.

 

... then they come to LS and tell women like me that it is women's fault that they act this way... and that it is women's fault that these men exist.

 

Sorry... you'll have to sell this snake oil elsewhere... I'm not buying it.

[Michelle83]

I don't see any issue with it whatsoever.

 

Men have physical needs. You can't fault them for this.

 

Perhaps he can't be fully devoted to a relationship because he's busy with work. Maybe he's dealing with some personal issue. Maybe it's a medical/psychological issue.

 

Whatever. There are plenty of reasons someone might not want to be in a relationship, but does that mean his sexual needs just vanish?

 

Definitely not, so why can't he satisfy those as long as the woman he's with knows the deal? I don't think it means anything badly about his ability to be in a relationship at all.

 

In fact, better to be upfront with her, tell her where he stands, then be in a half-hearted relationship that he knows won't be satisfying for either of them. That is even worse IMO. At least she knows where he stands and can decide for herself whether she's in or out. If he gave a relationship half-effort, she'd be depressed all the time and likely complaining non-stop.

 

Just because he can't be in a relationship at this point in time doesn't mean anything about whether he could in the future once he was in a different place in life.

 

I think as long as he's upfront with her, it's totally fine. I'd have no issues dating a guy who had a FWB in the past.

 

If he's treating me like a FWB and I want to date him, then yah, that's a problem and I'm leave, but if he's treating me fine, what's the problem?

 

And of course, the same could apply for women in the opposite position.

[Suave]

I'm a situation like this right now. We're FWB and neither of us is really looking for a committed relationship (both of us having just gotten out of LTRs) and it's mainly just casual dating and sex here and there. The problem will inevitably be when one of us falls for the other and it's not mutual.

[RedRobin]

Wow such a long thread. I confess I only read the first 1-2 pages. I'll try to be honest here without being offensive. RR, I read two of your last threads and you seem a bit harsh on your screening tactics with men. I read your thread about really being disappointed that a man had a DUI and now this thread where you don't think someone who has had FWB relationships is a good potential match. Honestly, if you keep thinking like this it will be very hard to find someone. We all have skeletons in our closets, we all did things we are not proud of. I really don't think those show a huge flaw in character. DUIs are stupid but I can see how someone would get into that when they're younger and stupid. FWB...? Most people need sex in between relationships. Both men and women. So - most normal thing in the world unless the guy is trying to make it seem like a romance just to get the girl in bed and is being a jerk hiding his lack of interest in a relationship.

 

The way I see it... we all should soften our non-negotiables keeping them for things that really matter. It seems those things matter to you a lot, but I think the most important things are shared values, goals in life, willingness to enter a real relationship and build a family together etc etc. Skeletons? Everyone has them. Hope I didn't offend you.

 

You haven't offended me... but I should clear a couple of things up.

 

The DUI wasn't when he was young... that guy still attends AA meetings... but doesn't consider himself a recovering alcoholic. I wasn't trying to date that guy. He was someone I met on OkC (my profile is set for friends/activity partners). Figures.

 

On my profile I put "no recovering (fill in the blank)". He shouldn't have even contacted me... much less tried to date me. Both of those were disrespectful.

 

When I asked him about it... He said he didn't consider himself a recovering alcoholic. Ok, well two DUIs and regular AA meetings makes you a recovering alcoholic. Sorry. I'm glad he's sober... but I don't need another project...

 

... and the FWB guy was someone I met at my running club. I imagine that he doesn't consider himself to be promiscuous (just like DUI guy doesn't consider himself to be an alcoholic)... but my guess is that he is surrounded by people who are a lot more promiscuous than him... so it is all relative... Just like here on LS.

 

So no. Me and FWB guy don't share values....

 

Anyway, this thread is going in circles. I started it because I wasn't sure how I felt about guys who have FWB...

 

It wasn't started to debate the merits of FWB. Ya'll do whatever you want.

[RedRobin]

I don't see any issue with it whatsoever.

 

Men have physical needs. You can't fault them for this.

 

Perhaps he can't be fully devoted to a relationship because he's busy with work. Maybe he's dealing with some personal issue. Maybe it's a medical/psychological issue.

 

Whatever. There are plenty of reasons someone might not want to be in a relationship, but does that mean his sexual needs just vanish?

 

Definitely not, so why can't he satisfy those as long as the woman he's with knows the deal? I don't think it means anything badly about his ability to be in a relationship at all.

 

In fact, better to be upfront with her, tell her where he stands, then be in a half-hearted relationship that he knows won't be satisfying for either of them. That is even worse IMO. At least she knows where he stands and can decide for herself whether she's in or out. If he gave a relationship half-effort, she'd be depressed all the time and likely complaining non-stop.

 

Just because he can't be in a relationship at this point in time doesn't mean anything about whether he could in the future once he was in a different place in life.

 

I think as long as he's upfront with her, it's totally fine. I'd have no issues dating a guy who had a FWB in the past.

 

If he's treating me like a FWB and I want to date him, then yah, that's a problem and I'm leave, but if he's treating me fine, what's the problem?

 

And of course, the same could apply for women in the opposite position.

 

There are three main qualities I look for in a man...

 

empathy

gratitude

ability to delay gratification

 

I have my doubts that a man who has FWB's have these qualities.

 

If these qualities are not important to you, then that is fine.

[RedRobin]

Yet you're a recovering from a relationship. Love is an addiction, it's been proven scientifically.

 

Your standards are based on fear not morals. There is a huge difference.

We are all recovering from something, get a grip.

 

I guess you will live alone rest of your life because of out fear. Sounds like you need some counselling.

 

oh baloney. I've had successful relationships since my divorce.

 

(shaking head)

 

I get it that people REALLY REALLY have it deep down ingrained in their psyche that men are supposed to be let off the hook for their behavior... and it is women's job to overlook their little faux pas.

 

Rather than them learn to be decent men in the first place.

[RonaldS]

There are three main qualities I look for in a man...

 

empathy

gratitude

ability to delay gratification

 

I have my doubts that a man who has FWB's have these qualities.

You don't make many assumptions, do you? It's possible that somebody who is in a FWB relationship could have all of those qualities, but might just not want or be ready for a committed LTR. It's more responsible than leading women on in half-assed relationships, and more responsible than going out to the bars and hooking up with random girls all the time. But to you, he's a guy who lacks good fundamental attributes. OK.

[fortyninethousand322]

My problem is this... If a guy tells me he had a FWB, my first thought is... "Hmm. How am I going to know he's not trying to make ME one?"

 

Like ever? Like if a guy had a FWB when he was 19 or 20 that's a permanent black mark?

 

Weird.

 

Well, if it's any consolation I'd negatively judge any woman who had a FWB too. Then again, I don't ever want to know such things from any woman I'd ever date.

 

For what it's worth, I think you are in the severe minority with this view...

[edgygirl]

... and the FWB guy was someone I met at my running club. I imagine that he doesn't consider himself to be promiscuous (just like DUI guy doesn't consider himself to be an alcoholic)... but my guess is that he is surrounded by people who are a lot more promiscuous than him... so it is all relative... Just like here on LS.

 

So no. Me and FWB guy don't share values....

 

Anyway, this thread is going in circles. I started it because I wasn't sure how I felt about guys who have FWB...

 

It wasn't started to debate the merits of FWB. Ya'll do whatever you want.

 

I just feel you're being too harsh on the FWB thing. I understand that the ideal thing would be to find the perfect person and never have to be in a FWB situation. I believe even men would prefer that. But life doesn't happen this way for most of us. And it's maddening not to have someone to hug for months and years, if you know what I mean - even for me as a woman. It's just biological and psychological and something that most of us feel, without having control over it. You are expecting your potential match to have mental control on something that is really powerful, I get why you feel this way. I've had ONE ex-bf like that, he found fooling around in btw disgusting and had no interest pursuing women just for sex. But honestly this type is one in a million. I kind of get your feeling as looking back I think he was my best ex and the one who had the best character. Maybe it's all related as you say, but I'm not convinced of that and I don't judge people who like to find in between FWBs. If you're willing to wait a long time to meet someone like that (or possibly never meet), it's up to you obviously. I chose to understand that everyone has flaws as I'm not perfect myself.

We all have needs and as long as all involved know what's going on, it's not necessarily bad or promiscuous. You say the guy had a 3 yr FWB situation - so how is that promiscuous? I'd be bothered to be with a guy I.e. that chased different girls every week. That's promiscuous in my view.

[Jane2011]

I'd date a guy who had a FWB before. I'd judge all of this on a case-by-case basis, truly (provided I even had access to all the details of his past relationships/involvements in the first four weeks of knowing/falling for him, which I probably wouldn't).

 

But...I think a lot of things factor in to how I would judge or not judge it. How old is he in relation to how many he's had (and what was the nature of the involvement(s)?). I mean, he may have had two with whom he actually WANTED a relationship but the women in question didn't, but he stayed in because his feelings were there and he was lonely. He may have had one who he didn't have feelings for at all, but who he initially thought might be a relationship. When it wasn't one, after all, he was enjoying the sexual relationship and had been lonely for a year before, so kept it going. He may have had one where it's true he didn't have a lot of feelings for her, but was actually nice/not an a-hole about it, and again it was something he fell into after first thinking a relationship might be there.

 

Then, there's age. If he's like 40 and has had three in the past, but has also had two meaningful relationships that lasted 3+ years apiece since he first started dating at age 20, would I really say he's incapable of taking a woman seriously because he's had an FWB before?

 

Let's say he's 23 and has had nine FWB and no serious relationships, then yeah, maybe I won't date him. Let's say he's 29 and had four FWB and two serious relationships but I know for a fact that he was haughty and arrogant toward the FWBs he had, then yeah, I'd not want to date him.

 

A lot of different things come into play, for me.

 

I guess the main thing I'd want to know is that he spent his dating life looking mostly for relationships, not FWB. If he fell into some FWB anyway, I wouldn't condemn him for it necessarily. In fact, provided they weren't the most disgusting/appalling/lewd/jerkiness-on-his-part circumstances, the fact that he can get women at all is to his credit. (Still wouldn't want someone who had tons and tons of conquests in that regard, though).

[RedRobin]

I just feel you're being too harsh on the FWB thing. I understand that the ideal thing would be to find the perfect person and never have to be in a FWB situation. I believe even men would prefer that. But life doesn't happen this way for most of us. And it's maddening not to have someone to hug for months and years, if you know what I mean - even for me as a woman. It's just biological and psychological and something that most of us feel, without having control over it. You are expecting your potential match to have mental control on something that is really powerful, I get why you feel this way. I've had ONE ex-bf like that, he found fooling around in btw disgusting and had no interest pursuing women just for sex. But honestly this type is one in a million. I kind of get your feeling as looking back I think he was my best ex and the one who had the best character. Maybe it's all related as you say, but I'm not convinced of that and I don't judge people who like to find in between FWBs. If you're willing to wait a long time to meet someone like that (or possibly never meet), it's up to you obviously. I chose to understand that everyone has flaws as I'm not perfect myself.

We all have needs and as long as all involved know what's going on, it's not necessarily bad or promiscuous. You say the guy had a 3 yr FWB situation - so how is that promiscuous? I'd be bothered to be with a guy I.e. that chased different girls every week. That's promiscuous in my view.

 

Yes, I can see how it might appear that way. However, my concerns about this particular individual are not JUST because he had a FWB... it is tied into what I view is his overall relationship approach and my assessment of the woman he had a FWB with (who is similar to me)... vs the woman he met and fell in love with while he was dating/seeing/f*cking the FWB.

 

I feel I have reason to believe he wants to recreate this scenario... with me getting slid into more-or-less FWB role while he romances women more similar to this other woman. He's a monkey brancher, in other words.. or tries to be... is my sense.

 

What it comes down to is that I don't trust him... and I just had a very difficult time understanding why he can't just say "I dated so-n-so for three years... but we couldn't make the next step towards intimacy".

 

How hard is that??

 

No... I really believe he called it that to avoid being labeled a 'cheater'. By calling the other woman he dated for three years a FWB, he can justify pursuing the second woman while dating the first... Of course, if he were totally open about his life, he wouldn't have any problems with me meeting these other women at some point... since he says he still talks to them.

 

I offered to introduce him to all of my male friends... But he didn't seem keen on introducing me to his female friends.

 

I suppose there may be scenarios where I'd overlook a FWB... It would be unique to that person and certainly not one I'd overlook easily without knowing a great deal about his life... for all the reasons I mention above.

[RedRobin]

Well you fail in fail in the first two. Where is your empathy for men? I have much more empathy you ever will. I used to listen to people's problems, I have helped many people. I was known as the guy to take of people when they were in trouble since I worked with the public.

 

I have gratitude on a daily basis unlike you. You don't sound a woman remotely has gratitude.

 

Delay gratification? I was in a 8 month relationship with no sex involved. I have wait to have sex until my 30's. Can you say the something? You can't even meet your own criteria for men.

 

I have plenty of empathy...

 

I can feel for them... and empathize... Doesn't mean I have to enter into a relationship with them.

 

Part of being 'grateful'... is not being so low-class as to relegate someone to 'FWB' or calling them that. If he truly were grateful for the physical intimacy they shared... whether or not it led to 'love'... he'd never call her that. To me it seems demeaning and repulsive... like he is embarrassed to have been with her... or he needs some other excuse why it was ok to pursue this other woman while he was dating the first.

[crederer]

I can totally see both sides of it.

 

I have a FWB because I don't want to wait around for the right person and never have sex until that point.

 

If he was trying to FWB you, he'd make that clear. Or at least he should and that's how these types of relationships work.

 

I know my FWB would like it to be more but I've told her many many many times that it's not going to happen for a multitude of reasons and if she's uncomfortable with that and wants to end this thing, I completely understand.

 

Yah, that might make me a jerk but at least I'm honest about it with her.

 

The reality is that we both have high sex drives and you gotta do what you gotta do. If I go too long without sex I start thinking and behaving differently and just not generally myself. Start acting like a player and hitting on everything that has a vagina and I don't like being "that guy".

 

But none of that dictates how a person is as a relationship partner.