Ladies: Dating men who have had 'FWB'

[ThaWholigan]

Perhaps women can ALSO use men for sex/companionship?? Why this idea that only men USE women for sex? Dont we need sex? Don't we enjoy it also?? In the FWB they use EACH OTHER for sex and companionship. As long as nobody is lying to the other.

Simply a clash of ideologies - RR obviously allows her sexuality to flourish in the preferred environment and nowhere else. I feel it is her prerogative to do so. I don't care for her characterization of those who partake in casual sex relations (I actually think it's excessive) but I suspect it wouldn't do her good to bend in this particular area.

[Woggle]

Maybe there is just something in my core that won't allow me to take advantage of someone....

 

JUST BECAUSE THEY LET ME.

 

But not all women who take part in FWB type of relationships are being taken advantage of.

[Woggle]

It's the inherent different between men and women. Men truly can compartmentalize and see sex as just sex, and never ever "catch feelings." Most women just aren't built that way.

 

I wouldn't hold this difference against him.

 

Women can do this as well. In fact this is the way many people under 35 male and female operate. Commitment minded people these days are increasingly becoming the exception.

[KaterinaVon]

I was in a FWB relationship for FIVE years. Yep, that long. I was younger and naive. To be perfectly clear, he did tell me that he was only interested in a no-strings-attached type of arrangement with me and because I had had crush on him for the longest time ever, I went along with it. I hoped that in time he would like me enough to call me his gf, so, I was that girl that went into a FWB relationship.

 

By the way, I learned that you can't call it a FWB because friends don't use each other with such disregard.

 

I stayed for so long because he was confusing and hard to figure out, he would go weeks and weeks treating me like a gf taking me out to eat dinner (dinners that led to NO sex afterwards) he would refer to me as his gf some of the times, he would tell me pretty private thoughts that were embarrassing to him. He really opened up to me. Even told me he can see me in his life.Then, he would go days and days were he would ignore me, the times we would talk he would be rude, when I pressed for a relationship he would say " What do you expect from me ? You are not marriage material".

 

So after five long years (we met back in our senior year of high school) I finally told him to F off.

 

It's upsetting to look back at all that wasted time, but people come into our lives for TWO reasons: To be a blessing or to be a lesson.

 

He was my lesson.

 

Anyways, maybe you were too quick to dismiss this man you met ? Perhaps the woman he had the FWB was like I was ? She understood he didn't want anything serious, but like me, she also hoped he would one day change his mind. Besides, you can go on dates and get to know him for MONTHS, you don't need to sleep with him during this time, just get to know him, trust me, if he was interested in convenient no-strings-attached sex, he wouldn't put up with months and months of just "talking", then, you'd have your answer.

 

I never regret the chances I took.... just the ones I didn't take. Good luck.

[Star Gazer]

Women can do this as well. In fact this is the way many people under 35 male and female operate. Commitment minded people these days are increasingly becoming the exception.

 

For those women where you're right, see my signature for the reason why.

 

That said, women who can have sex with the same man for 3 years without catching any feelings are very, very rare. Men can do the same much more easily.

[Woggle]

I was in a FWB relationship for FIVE years. Yep, that long. I was younger and naive. To be perfectly clear, he did tell me that he was only interested in a no-strings-attached type of arrangement with me and because I had had crush on him for the longest time ever, I went along with it. I hoped that in time he would like me enough to call me his gf, so, I was that girl that went into a FWB relationship.

 

By the way, I learned that you can't call it a FWB because friends don't use each other with such disregard.

 

I stayed for so long because he was confusing and hard to figure out, he would go weeks and weeks treating me like a gf taking me out to eat dinner (dinners that led to NO sex afterwards) he would refer to me as his gf some of the times, he would tell me pretty private thoughts that were embarrassing to him. He really opened up to me. Even told me he can see me in his life.Then, he would go days and days were he would ignore me, the times we would talk he would be rude, when I pressed for a relationship he would say " What do you expect from me ? You are not marriage material".

 

So after five long years (we met back in our senior year of high school) I finally told him to F off.

 

It's upsetting to look back at all that wasted time, but people come into our lives for TWO reasons: To be a blessing or to be a lesson.

 

He was my lesson.

 

Anyways, maybe you were too quick to dismiss this man you met ? Perhaps the woman he had the FWB was like I was ? She understood he didn't want anything serious, but like me, she also hoped he would one day change his mind. Besides, you can go on dates and get to know him for MONTHS, you don't need to sleep with him during this time, just get to know him, trust me, if he was interested in convenient no-strings-attached sex, he wouldn't put up with months and months of just "talking", then, you'd have your answer.

 

I never regret the chances I took.... just the ones I didn't take. Good luck.

 

I am sorry you went through that but honestly he told you from start what the deal was. It wasn't like he deceived you.

[KaterinaVon]

I am sorry you went through that but honestly he told you from start what the deal was. It wasn't like he deceived you.

 

Correct, but the times I tried to leave him in the past, he would say how he "saw his life with me" etc, then he'd revert back to his old behavior.

 

That's when I finally told him to F off.

 

Now, I have only dropped the F word in real life towards a very selective amount of people, but I enjoyed saying it to him the best. Been feeling awesome ever since and like I said, he was my lesson. Next time a guy goes anywhere near the FWB situation I won't hesitate to tell him were the door is.

[therhythm]

Well I always wonder who use who in a fwb... If both are there for the sex I guess both use and are used for sex but isn't it that the whole point of fwb? If a guy is in the fwb for sex and the girl to try to catch him... Who is being dishonest about their real intentions?

All my fwb know very good what is the deal, if any of them is playing games and has second intentions it is her problem!

[joystickd]

I would never trust a guy who had a FWB for 3 years AND didnt seem to think theres anything wrong with it. Huge red flag for his character for me. I think you are right RedRobin. Someone like that sounds selfish and lacking in maturity. I dont think that type of man is relationship-material. He'd be likely to not end the relationship and string you along to get his sexual needs fulfilled while shopping for other women. It would also tell me he can easily screw without getting feelings attached. I mean months is one thing, but 3 years? Awww hell no. I find it interesting the men who reply here say theyd never date a girl who had a male FWB for 3 years yet say you should forgive him! Kind of proves my point.

The thing is most men see sex as just sex. Is that actually a wrong thing because it's different than your beliefs?

[joystickd]

The more I look at this thread she is no different than the way she wants to portray this guy. She does what she does hoping that the man will be more invested in the relationship than her. My question is what is so special about you that you feel the need to have men go through hoops even at the initial stages of an interaction. What is it so special that a man would even want to?

 

Then it also can be used as an excuse about being single. Oh it's so hard to find a good man.

[joystickd]

Women are terrified of being vulnerable too.

 

If people develop a habit of having FWB, they don't get any better at facing their fears. Why should they? They are essentially being 'enabled'... heck REWARDED for not investing for facing their issues.

 

I get it that lots of people have no interest in facing their fears or seeking to be vulnerable and intimate. Those are the men I'm trying to avoid... because they will not, and cannot appreciate me and I can't imagine developing the kind of intimacy I'm seeking.

Sounds like in a way you are the same. Isn't that the reason quality men are avoiding you?

[RedRobin]

The more I look at this thread she is no different than the way she wants to portray this guy. She does what she does hoping that the man will be more invested in the relationship than her. My question is what is so special about you that you feel the need to have men go through hoops even at the initial stages of an interaction. What is it so special that a man would even want to?

 

Then it also can be used as an excuse about being single. Oh it's so hard to find a good man.

 

Building intimacy is a scary proposition... which is why so many people avoid it. It is a shared risk.

 

My time is just as valuable as any man's.

 

So, your opinions about 'investment' really just show how little you value women's time... and how lazy you are.

 

I'm investing JUST as much as he is. If all he can invest is his d*ck... and has a habit of doing so, it is tough for me to justify the RISK of investing my heart or my time.

 

It is really that simple.

[RedRobin]

There's something lacking in such a relationship -because let's be honest, it is a relationship in itself : friendship, sufficient commonality, sexual chemistry ...but without the word "commitment" thrown into the mix.

 

I'm quoting your post here because it helps me understand better why I find the FWB situation so repulsive.

 

I believe my reluctance to get involved in this situation is because he has demonstrated that he is all too comfortable existing like this. For years.

 

That he is not happy being, well, HAPPY. The way people describe a good FWB... has all the ingredients of a good relationship... but they have their eyes over the horizon to some BBD they think they need to hold out commitment for... but don't have the courage to do on their own or alone. These are the people who have no problems stringing others along until they monkey branch.

 

Or they view commitment as some kind of trap. Neither are consistent with my values.

 

... and THAT is what I find repulsive. My time IS special. I don't invest mine in people that I also don't find special in some way. When a man seeks to treat me as a 'good for now' option, he is taking me for granted in a seriously fundamental way... and because I don't want it done to me, I won't do it to someone else.

[therhythm]

I'm quoting your post here because it helps me understand better why I find the FWB situation so repulsive.

 

I believe my reluctance to get involved in this situation is because he has demonstrated that he is all too comfortable existing like this. For years.

 

That he is not happy being, well, HAPPY. The way people describe a good FWB... has all the ingredients of a good relationship... but they have their eyes over the horizon to some BBD they think they need to hold out commitment for... but don't have the courage to do on their own or alone. These are the people who have no problems stringing others along until they monkey branch.

 

Or they view commitment as some kind of trap. Neither are consistent with my values.

 

... and THAT is what I find repulsive. My time IS special. I don't invest mine in people that I also don't find special in some way. When a man seeks to treat me as a 'good for now' option, he is taking me for granted in a seriously fundamental way... and because I don't want it done to me, I won't do it to someone else.

 

As long as you keep looking to this from the women's only and unique perspective you will never understand it.

Don't get me wrong, I think you are right to date or not anyone basing your choice in whatever you want to base it. But to say that someone that has FWB is afraid from commitment is very wrong to say the least.

 

If you allow me I will put the things from the male perspective, Men do not need to love someone to have sex with her, we don't actually need even a big attraction if it gets to the case we can have sex easily with someone we don't like and we are only slightly attracted to her (shocking I know but is the true!) Therefore most of the FWB arrangements you see are just guys securing sex with someone they are not attracted enough or they don't like as a person enough for a relationship or they don't find her compatible with them... that doesn't mean that that concrete man can't commit if the right woman get in his way.

 

I hope this gives you some clarity on male behavior;)

[Auguria]

The thing is most men see sex as just sex. Is that actually a wrong thing because it's different than your beliefs?

 

Not wrong. Just incompatible. I feel no desire to give myself to someone who might see me as yet another woman to be nailed. I respect myself too much for that. My body is an extension of my essence: it is to be treated with love and affection in a trusting, caring environment. I am ready to give the best of me to a man. I expect reciprocity.

[joystickd]

Building intimacy is a scary proposition... which is why so many people avoid it. It is a shared risk.

 

My time is just as valuable as any man's.

 

So, your opinions about 'investment' really just show how little you value women's time... and how lazy you are.

 

I'm investing JUST as much as he is. If all he can invest is his d*ck... and has a habit of doing so, it is tough for me to justify the RISK of investing my heart or my time.

 

It is really that simple.

 

What are you investing? All i see from you are things a man has to do. What are you bringing to the table. It sounds like you are lazy too.

[RedRobin]

As long as you keep looking to this from the women's only and unique perspective you will never understand it.

Don't get me wrong, I think you are right to date or not anyone basing your choice in whatever you want to base it. But to say that someone that has FWB is afraid from commitment is very wrong to say the least.

 

If you allow me I will put the things from the male perspective, Men do not need to love someone to have sex with her, we don't actually need even a big attraction if it gets to the case we can have sex easily with someone we don't like and we are only slightly attracted to her (shocking I know but is the true!) Therefore most of the FWB arrangements you see are just guys securing sex with someone they are not attracted enough or they don't like as a person enough for a relationship or they don't find her compatible with them... that doesn't mean that that concrete man can't commit if the right woman get in his way.

 

I hope this gives you some clarity on male behavior;)

 

I understand some men's behavior just fine. I've worked around them all of my life. I'm perfectly capable of doing the same... I just choose not to.

 

The person I'm talking about in this thread was the first person I came across IRL that had other qualities I liked and who I knew had a FWB... I'm very grateful for the opportunity he gave me to understand people who have that style of relating.

 

But... I'm not interested in dating men who are ok with it. If it was in their past and something they don't want to do again, we can talk. Otherwise, no. He's not the man I'm looking for.

[Auguria]

As long as you keep looking to this from the women's only and unique perspective you will never understand it.

Don't get me wrong, I think you are right to date or not anyone basing your choice in whatever you want to base it. But to say that someone that has FWB is afraid from commitment is very wrong to say the least.

 

If you allow me I will put the things from the male perspective, Men do not need to love someone to have sex with her, we don't actually need even a big attraction if it gets to the case we can have sex easily with someone we don't like and we are only slightly attracted to her (shocking I know but is the true!) Therefore most of the FWB arrangements you see are just guys securing sex with someone they are not attracted enough or they don't like as a person enough for a relationship or they don't find her compatible with them... that doesn't mean that that concrete man can't commit if the right woman get in his way.

 

I hope this gives you some clarity on male behavior;)

 

...What happened to self-control? ...Or even better yet: Many of these men who have no qualms sleeping around or repeatedly sleeping with the same woman for the sole purpose of sex and it's derived pleasure are looking for the right one... Which, if we are to read this forum, encompasses being beautiful, intelligent, independent, and most certainly have a very modest sexual past... Yeah, right! I have been a very self-controlled woman when it came to who I had sex with, I shall settle for no less... A man who cannot control his sexual zeal is not a man I can say I fundamentally trust... And he finally meets the one that he loves, she might be too afraid to let him in based on his past record...Men and women have choices. Acting as if men are creatures that cannot escape their sexual desires and must inevitably have sex for the sake of having sex sounds totally unbelievable to me...

[joystickd]

...What happened to self-control? ...Or even better yet: Many of these men who have no qualms sleeping around or repeatedly sleeping with the same woman for the sole purpose of sex and it's derived pleasure are looking for the right one... Which, if we are to read this forum, encompasses being beautiful, intelligent, independent, and most certainly have a very modest sexual past... Yeah, right! I have been a very self-controlled woman when it came to who I had sex with, I shall settle for no less... A man who cannot control his sexual zeal is not a man I can say I fundamentally trust... And he finally meets the one that he loves, she might be too afraid to let him in based on his past record...Men and women have choices. Acting as if men are creatures that cannot escape their sexual desires and must inevitably have sex for the sake of having sex sounds totally unbelievable to me...

 

Self control lol. All the women that talk about self control would be whining like babies if men paid them no attention. All the attention you get is the reason for self control because if you didnt get it you would be giving out P just to get it.

[RedRobin]

Thank you everyone for helping me sort out my feelings on this.

 

When I started the thread, I was still a bit confused about why I couldn't trust him... and really, a bit frustrated at myself too.

 

I'm not confused anymore.

[Auguria]

What are you investing? All i see from you are things a man has to do. What are you bringing to the table. It sounds like you are lazy too.

 

From my personal perspective, I am ready to give to a man my love, dedication, my unbreached faithfulness, my support, my honesty, my respect; in brief,myself, body and soul... I bring to the table my desire for both of us to be a team, explore and discover things and ourselves together... I am not a jealous person, I am very independent and so for me to be able to do that, to bare myself naked figuratively and literally, I need to have an unbreached sense of trust in my partner... As in my personal relationship, the fact that the man I love and who says loves me back has had FWBs, as much as he says he wanted something else then, and wants something different now, I can't but observe that my trust level has significantly decreased and as such I am no longer able to give him all of me...

[RedRobin]

From my personal perspective, I am ready to give to a man my love, dedication, my unbreached faithfulness, my support, my honesty, my respect; in brief,myself, body and soul... I bring to the table my desire for both of us to be a team, explore and discover things and ourselves together... I am not a jealous person, I am very independent and so for me to be able to do that, to bare myself naked figuratively and literally, I need to have an unbreached sense of trust in my partner... As in my personal relationship, the fact that the man I love and who says loves me back has had FWBs, as much as he says he wanted something else then, and wants something different now, I can't but observe that my trust level has significantly decreased and as such I am no longer able to give him all of me...

 

That's how I feel too.

 

I think I could learn to trust someone who had a FWB, but felt bad about it and didn't want to repeat it. I think that was the missing part from the man I've been talking about.

[Auguria]

Self control lol. All the women that talk about self control would be whining like babies if men paid them no attention. All the attention you get is the reason for self control because if you didnt get it you would be giving out P just to get it.

 

Yeah, lol. Your observations are skewed in the sense that you're talking about the women that accept being your sex partner, and who as a result lose your respect and the ability to be seen as worthy of love and affection... The women, I am talking about are the kind that do not need men's attention to feel in touch with themselves and the world. They are looking for something meaningful and as such decide to wait in the hopes of finding it. You might not know many of them for they are not interested in your kind of guy... Why should they, when you are present only to get their "P" ?

[joystickd]

Yeah, lol. Your observations are skewed in the sense that you're talking about the women that accept being your sex partner, and who as a result lose your respect and the ability to be seen as worthy of love and affection... The women, I am talking about are the kind that do not need men's attention to feel in touch with themselves and the world. They are looking for something meaningful and as such decide to wait in the hopes of finding it. You might not know many of them for they are not interested in your kind of guy... Why should they, when you are present only to get their "P" ?

 

Save that for someone else. Its not about the women i deal with. Most women thrive for a mans attention even if its just a simple complement. Its ok though.

[Auguria]

That's how I feel too.

 

I think I could learn to trust someone who had a FWB, but felt bad about it and didn't want to repeat it. I think that was the missing part from the man I've been talking about.

 

Yeah, that is the part I am struggling to accept... My bf loves me very much and has repeatedly made sacrifices for our relationship, but I still find myself to be on the defensive...