Ladies: Dating men who have had 'FWB'

[runningfar]

If it were mutual, I wouldn't consider it using, and I wouldn't mind.

 

 

Trying to say it's necessarily using is posturing yourself as some sort of big brother/big sister who knows more what other women/men want than they themselves do. That doesn't work for me.

 

I've never had a FWB, though I certainly considered it seriously during the two years I decided after my divorce that I was not emotionally healthy to date anybody. That was a long dry spell from something I enjoy very much. If I had gone through with it, I certainly wouldn't have been used, and I certainly wouldn't have led anybody on and used them.

 

 

If I found out somebody continued sleeping with someone who admitted feelings, giving them just enough to hold them on, I would think they were disgusting and not want to be with them.

Having a FWB doesn't mean that, though.

 

Hey, what do you know, I just asked my boyfriend and he has had a FWB in his 32 years on this planet. So now I can say even more assuredly: doesn't bother me. I know he's good folk who would never purposefully hurt somebody or knowingly subjugate another's needs to his own.

[Star Gazer]

If I have a question, it is more to the ladies. Could you love or trust someone knowing he had used someone just for sex? And did so for an extended period?

 

FWB is more than just being used for sex; there is some sort of friendship involved.

 

But yes, I could. Frankly, I'd rather him have satisfied his sexual urges with the same woman he saw regularly, than a string of ONSs or resorting to porn.

[RedRobin]

Yes, that pretty much exactly describes me & my FWB. We are friends, we do stuff that friends do. Our kids play together, we ran a race together, we help each other out, we have great conversations, etc. Our relationship styles are not compatible, but we have great chemistry and always have fun, whether we are sleeping together or not. I am monogamous, so if either of us is seeing someone else, then we avoid intimacy.

 

Ok...

 

Tell me... how long do you date the other men before you break with the FWB?? Do you do STD tests before engaging in unprotected sex with the next guy?

 

Do you tell the new guy about your 'friend'??

 

To be honest, I'm not even sure I want the answer... I have no interest in dating men like that. Now that I think about it... I'm sure I'll be removing myself from any vestige of his social circle now.

 

Dipped a toe in the wrong pool. Time for me to pull it out... like. NOW.

 

Thank you VERY much for providing clarity. Sincerely. Not being snarky at all.

 

Maybe I DO have some hard thinking to do why someone like that would be attracted to someone like me. I feel a little sick to my stomach.

Edited May 25, 2013 by RedRobin

[pyramid]

Ok...

 

Tell me... how long do you date the other men before you break with the FWB??

 

No set rule, but once I think someone has long term potential, I take a break. It's not like we are sleeping together every night. Once, maybe twice a month?

 

Do you do STD tests before engaging in unprotected sex with the next guy?

 

Unprotected sex?? That only happens after I've been with someone exclusively for 6 mos and we both get tested.

 

Do you tell the new guy about your 'friend'??

 

He is my friend, not my 'friend,' and I mention him in conversation as I would any other friend. It usually comes up that we dated previously. I did have one guy ask directly if we had slept together, and I answered honestly.

[joystickd]

Maybe I DO have some hard thinking to do why someone like that would be attracted to someone like me. I feel a little sick to my stomach.

Maybe he wants something more than FWB with you and wants to get to know you.

[joystickd]

He respects me enough to 'warn' me in advance. I agree.

 

Regarding the honesty... There is his side, her side, then there is the truth.

 

Since I don't personally know any woman who would agree to that, and certainly no one 'like' me who would... I'm more of the opinion that he kept things going with the excuse that he had a hard time opening up because of his divorce and played on her sympathy... and dribbled out just enough time and attention to keep the sex tap flowing... He did lots of BF/GF type activities with her, for instance. They trained for a marathon together. She met his son. Does this sound like a 'FWB'??

 

Later on, I imagine he decided to minimize the relationship AFTER the fact to justify the fact that he pursued his next girl friend while dating the so-called FWB so he wouldn't be considered a cheater.

 

That is closer to the truth... is my guess.

 

I could be wrong... but I wasn't willing to take that chance... is what it comes down to.

FWBs in a way are kind of like a guy put in the friend zone. Man/woman in the situation does things that are BF/GF type things for hope the person changes and wants an actual relationship. They are both adults and more than likely she did things hoping to win him over. The thing is you hate to see it in that point of view because you have this idea that men use women for sex. After a certain point she was well aware of what the situation was and if she didn't put her foot down than she was just a willing participant and not being used.

[Kelemvor]

Ok...

 

Tell me... how long do you date the other men before you break with the FWB?? Do you do STD tests before engaging in unprotected sex with the next guy?

 

Do you tell the new guy about your 'friend'??

 

To be honest, I'm not even sure I want the answer... I have no interest in dating men like that. Now that I think about it... I'm sure I'll be removing myself from any vestige of his social circle now.

 

Dipped a toe in the wrong pool. Time for me to pull it out... like. NOW.

 

Thank you VERY much for providing clarity. Sincerely. Not being snarky at all.

 

Maybe I DO have some hard thinking to do why someone like that would be attracted to someone like me. I feel a little sick to my stomach.

 

I think BlueEyeL nailed you on the head and you didn't care for the insight very much. I'm not sure how this thread has turned into 7 pages of you pontificating the morality and ethics of FWB and coming to the conclusion that you should distance yourself from anyone and everyone that has sex outside of your specific morality clause which means you'll be spending many nights alone eating pizza if this thread is any indication. You strike me as incredibly obstinate and judgmental to feel so inflamed with what most would perceive as "at most" the lesser of indiscretions. You probably did this guy a huge favor by exiting his life.

 

Good grief... jumping social circles because one person has had a FWB relationship, lol... You have some issues. Good luck with that NSA grade screening process.

[therhythm]

Earth to RedRobin. Hello RedRobin.

 

You won't find any guys that have not made mistakes in their past. Nobody is perfect and until you acknowledge that, you'll continue to have dating struggles.

 

Yeah I think the problem is Walt Disney, he set the expectations of today's ladies too high... They all expect prince charming and they can't accept average Joe...

/joke

[Auguria]

Funny how I was exactly thinking about this subject today and I am quite honestly struggling with it... I mean I have never had a FWB, not interested in having sex for the sake of having sex. Too much self-respect, self-love for that. There's something lacking in such a relationship -because let's be honest, it is a relationship in itself : friendship, sufficient commonality, sexual chemistry ...but without the word "commitment" thrown into the mix - that I can't seem to grasp the concept of it. It seems to complicate things - feelings always complicate things- rather than simplifying things...

I'm also not a typical case in that despite being at the age of craziness and being told throughout the years that I am an "exotic beauty" or some stupidity of the genre and always attracted the attention of the opposite genre, I waited to share intimacy with someone dear, special to me.

Found out some weeks ago, that my dear boyfriend used to have FWB in college, usually for the duration of a term. Too busy with studying, did not see the girls as long term potential, was simply friends with them and still is, liked them, checked with them throughout the duration of the relationship if they were still okay with it...

 

It came as a shock to me. I mean, this was the guy who asked me to be committed and exclusive very early in our dating, who wanted me "even though sex might not have been great" due to my inexperience at that time, who loves me "more than he has ever loved anyone else" and sees long term commitment and has never faltered in his declarations of love...

 

Why do I feel, then, that we do not share the same values when it comes to sex? That I might just be a continuance of his string of FWB? ... Simply put, I am not able to trust like I used to... It's like something is broke...

Had I known he was able to separate sex and emotions this easily from the beginning, I doubt I would have dated him at all...

[Auguria]

When I meet a girl I want to marry or be my girlfriend I am not going to tell her about any of the other girls i mite be banging

 

Why not? Doesn't she have the right to know what kind of relationships you were after? For the sake of the argument: Why would a woman who has exerted a lot of self-control and waited for an intimate, loving relationship to come along not be aware that her boyfriend had no qualms about getting pissed drunk every Saturday night and sleep with random women? Or that Becca, the girl that you thought was a good friend of his and who comes to enjoy some evenings with both of you had, in fact, sex with your boyfriend for a period of time... Honesty is the only way to go!

[Auguria]

Yes, that pretty much exactly describes me & my FWB. We are friends, we do stuff that friends do. Our kids play together, we ran a race together, we help each other out, we have great conversations, etc. Our relationship styles are not compatible, but we have great chemistry and always have fun, whether we are sleeping together or not. I am monogamous, so if either of us is seeing someone else, then we avoid intimacy.

 

If I might ask: How exactly do your relationship styles differ? The way you describe your relationship, it does sound that to some extent -at least on paper- you are a match... I am honestly very much curious.

[Auguria]

I think that is the thing that some posters are trying to explain. FWB doesn't mean he was using her. It's fine to say that you don't believe in having sex if you aren't in love, or whatever boundary makes sense to you, but I don't understand how you are jumping to the conclusion that he was using her.

 

True. It doesn't mean that he was necessarily using her... The fear is that he might be using you... As someone who is highly sexual but who has a desire to be sexual only in a committed and loving relationship, my first reflex would be ... If he can so easily detach love and sex, how am I to know if in the future, he will just continue having sex with me for the sake of having sex even though his feelings might have faltered... That's why I'd prefer dating a man who shares the same values in regards to how he views love, sex and relationships in general. I don't know, maybe it is because I am naturally sceptic and I tend to view trust as something that is to be earned, including our past actions...

[Woggle]

Acting like women in FWB situations are victims is insulting to women. Treating women like helpless children who are incapable of deciding what kind of arrangement they want is not helping them.

[Auguria]

Acting like women in FWB situations are victims is insulting to women. Treating women like helpless children who are incapable of deciding what kind of arrangement they want is not helping them.

 

I think you are missing the point here. The question at hand doesn't necessarily pertain to figure out if women can have emotionless sex or not. Some women can, even for three years, others can't fathom it... If there is a sexual arrangement, great... If there isn't one, and the woman is being simply taken for a ride, it is unfortunate and deeply dehumanizing... Let's say that the guy was in an arranged FWB situation... The question and dilemma still remains: Would you be able to completely trust someone who was in such a relationship for three long years and did not develop any feelings or tried to establish or connect with his sexual partner in a more meaningful way or did not have enough of a moral compass as to understand that seeing someone purposefully for sex for such a long time might be highly suggestive of a behavior that screams "I can't keep it in my pants while I am looking for The One and Only"... C'mon! This is not a gender question, it is about what values you have and if they are compatible with mine...

[FitChick]

I'm sure I've dated men who had FWBs, most likely when they were newly divorced and didn't want to screw random women nor rush into anything serious but still wanted sex and companionship. I have no problem with that but that is why I won't date a newly divorced man. He has to go through that transitional phase first but preferably without me. I want him when he is ready to settle down, having had his "fun."

[RedRobin]

Maybe he wants something more than FWB with you and wants to get to know you.

 

Doubt it...

[RedRobin]

I think you are missing the point here. The question at hand doesn't necessarily pertain to figure out if women can have emotionless sex or not. Some women can, even for three years, others can't fathom it... If there is a sexual arrangement, great... If there isn't one, and the woman is being simply taken for a ride, it is unfortunate and deeply dehumanizing... Let's say that the guy was in an arranged FWB situation... The question and dilemma still remains: Would you be able to completely trust someone who was in such a relationship for three long years and did not develop any feelings or tried to establish or connect with his sexual partner in a more meaningful way or did not have enough of a moral compass as to understand that seeing someone purposefully for sex for such a long time might be highly suggestive of a behavior that screams "I can't keep it in my pants while I am looking for The One and Only"... C'mon! This is not a gender question, it is about what values you have and if they are compatible with mine...

 

Couldn't have said it better myself.

 

Especially the bolded.

[Star Gazer]

Couldn't have said it better myself.

 

Especially the bolded.

 

It's the inherent different between men and women. Men truly can compartmentalize and see sex as just sex, and never ever "catch feelings." Most women just aren't built that way.

 

I wouldn't hold this difference against him.

[RedRobin]

Good grief... jumping social circles because one person has had a FWB relationship, lol... You have some issues. Good luck with that NSA grade screening process.

 

Yes... I don't care to invest anymore time in this particular group of people. I've seen enough.

[RedRobin]

It's the inherent different between men and women. Men truly can compartmentalize and see sex as just sex, and never ever "catch feelings." Most women just aren't built that way.

 

I wouldn't hold this difference against him.

 

Baloney. The men in my family don't act this way.

 

I made a bad choice of spouse years ago, and now I've been dumped into this 'other' pool of men who obviously are compartmentalizing all over the place.

 

Depressing and gross.

[Star Gazer]

Baloney. The men in my family don't act this way.

 

1. I didn't say all men engage in FWB relationships. I just said that men are able to compartmentalize sex in a way women are not. It's a fact of life. To ignore it, or to punish them for it, is not wise.

 

2. You can't possibly know the inner thoughts of all of the men in your family.

[mortensorchid]

I will not bother to read all the comments on this, but I have met those who have had FWBs in the past, men and women. And honestly, it doesn't work because one party gets jealous or crazy when they aren't getting IT from the other and they are out looking for others.

 

It's something we all attempt at some point or another, and it doesn't happen and then we move on.

[RedRobin]

Acting like women in FWB situations are victims is insulting to women. Treating women like helpless children who are incapable of deciding what kind of arrangement they want is not helping them.

 

Maybe there is just something in my core that won't allow me to take advantage of someone....

 

JUST BECAUSE THEY LET ME.

[RedRobin]

1. I didn't say all men engage in FWB relationships. I just said that men are able to compartmentalize sex in a way women are not. It's a fact of life. To ignore it, or to punish them for it, is not wise.

 

2. You can't possibly know the inner thoughts of all of the men in your family.

 

Well, I know they didn't act on those thoughts...

 

That's all that matters.

[BluEyeL]

Perhaps women can ALSO use men for sex/companionship?? Why this idea that only men USE women for sex? Dont we need sex? Don't we enjoy it also?? In the FWB they use EACH OTHER for sex and companionship. As long as nobody is lying to the other.