I'm YOUR MM's Wife!!

[ComingInHot]

erdz;

I wish you did know me, what I look like, how I am. Maybe then you'd realize that this crime was not faceless. It has two victims. Two faces. Yours AND mine.

 

You may have participated but the perpetrator ended up taking from both us.

[18Years2Late]

As the ow I a happy you don't allow him to speak ill of his xow. I believe if a mm said she meant nothing then to me that says our life,our family and our memories meant nothing so I jeopordized them for nothing. I get fighting for the life you built but only if the ws is truly remorseful and ha ended the affair. Would you have fought for him if he continued after dday?

 

I've tried to avoid this thread bc I think I'm way too angry right now...but this post really resonated with me...so I apologize in advance if this offends anyone...

 

*************

Dear BS,

 

I want you to see what an evil and heartless person we both love is...

 

I sent him this simple question:

 

"Did u ever love me or was it all just a bunch of lies?...."

 

And this is the response I got back:

 

"I've been lying to everybody for the last 3 years...to you, to my W, to my kids and my friends and family and sometimes to myself and I'm tired of the lying...no, I never loved you..."

 

Really?...

 

Everyone he hurt...for the last 3 years...he did it for absolutely nothing...because "he never loved me"...

 

Everyone I hurt...I did it because I believed his words to me...for 3 years...but now I realize I shouldn't have...because "he never loved me"...

 

He lied to you, ur children, ur families and friends...for a year at the beginning of our relationship until he got caught...but he continued to lie to u and ur children...so I came clean to my husband...but don't worry..."he never loved me"...

 

He lied to u, ur children, ur families and friends that he ended it with me...on several occasions...until he was repeatedly caught over and over...at which time he lied some more...because "he never loved me"...

 

He caused such immense hurt to you, his wife that he's "always loved", that caused u to go almost insane (understandably) and get arrested for domestic violence twice...and as u spent the night in that prison cell...I really hope u knew then that "he never loved me"...

 

Every time you watched ur children cry because they were hurt over watching the very visible turmoil their father (with my help) caused in their parents relationship...I hope you and ur children knew then that "he never loved me"...

 

While u sat in the ER getting ur hand stitched up after u ripped the sunroof off his car so he wouldn't leave...I really hope u knew then that "he never loved me"...

 

While u lived in an apartment without furniture...because u couldn't go home...because of a restraining order he filed against you...AS A WAY TO GET TO SPEND THE FOLLOWING 4 DAYS WITH ME (did u know that I was with him the week after u got out of jail the last time???...ask your MIL...she baby sat the kids)...but remember it was all because "he never loved me"...

 

While ur children slept on blankets on a cold hard floor of that apartment u were forced to lease bc of his selfish needs...make sure u tell them it was because "he never loved me"...

 

If u spent hours (as I have) curled up in fetal position crying...staring up at the ceiling all night thru tears...wondering what u could have possibly done to deserve this treatment from anyone much less from him...remember (as I do) u had to do it because "he never loved me"...

 

Every time u had to look at your kids, a friend or family member and with tears and embarrassment tell them "He cheated on me"...make sure u tell them now he did it because "he never loved me"...

 

When he looked at another woman...in person...face to face...not by text message...and asked her to marry him the day both D were final...more than once...and gave that woman an engagement ring the last time...purchased with money he should have been paying your mortgage with...I really wish that woman knew then that "he never loved her"...

 

Every tear u cried, every tear ur kids cried...fell to the ground for nothing...because "he never loved me"...

 

Every tear I've cried, every tear My H has cried, every tear my kids will cry...fell to the ground for nothing...because "he never loved me"...

 

I could go on but I hope u get my point. Why did he do it??? For 3 years??? For nothing??? Just because he felt like it??? Just because it made him feel good so who cares??? Maybe he'll tell you.

 

Now he's decided that he wants his kids full-time (meaning for Chridtmas), and he can't pay for the house by himself and its going to foreclose...so now he's suddenly come to the realization that he needs you back to achieve both of those personal wants...and u are going to welcome him back with open arms...no consequences felt...and cross your fingers that he won't do it again...what a lucky man he is...and I really feel for you...but don't worry "he never loved me"...I guess u believe that...your way more generous than me...

 

I am very sorry for ever causing you or your kids any pain...I really am...had I had ANY idea at any point in the last 3 years that everything he said and did was a 100% lie...I would have walked away a long time ago...I had plans...he had plans...he told me about them daily...I believed him...as u might now...I really wish I would have known...

 

I asked him why he didn't tell me a long time ago...he said "because I didn't have the courage"...courage???...for 3 ****ing years he couldn't muster up the courage to stop hurting everyone he cared about...and those he claimed to care about...and "do the right thing"...but on 12/10/2012 he suddenly and over night found that courage he was missing...to "do the right thing"...bull shyte...right for who?...it's only HIM in his world...and he just arrested defeat from the jowls of utter victory in that world...

 

I hope that u can find the courage to make him pay for all the wrongs he's done while "he never loved me"...and can somehow forgive him while still D him...I can't...but I know I'll have to try...good luck...again I'm sorry...I hope u can forgive me as easily as u may have forgiven him...I hope to be that strong again one day...not today...

 

******************

 

Wow that was therapeutic...that just made me think...WTF did I want this POS for?...holy cow...what a prize?...

[LadyGrey]

18 years, that is one of the saddest posts I've ever read. The destruction and pain of so many people. Even if he had loved you, it would not be worth it, that post clearly illustrates that. Love is not enough nor is it worth destroying people over.

[18Years2Late]

18 years, that is one of the saddest posts I've ever read. The destruction and pain of so many people. Even if he had loved you, it would not be worth it, that post clearly illustrates that. Love is not enough nor is it worth destroying people over.

 

And that's only 1/2 of it...barely scrapping the surface of the selfish, heartless, psycho abusive things he did...which I had no idea about until now...such as missing a child's birthday to be with me instead...I was mortified when I found that one out...had I known I would have NEVER agree to that...he missed a child's birthday?!?!?!?...to be with someone he never loved?!?!?!?...that's tough to process...he's special...

[LadyGrey]

And that's only 1/2 of it...barely scrapping the surface of the selfish, heartless, psycho abusive things he did...which I had no idea about until now...such as missing a child's birthday to be with me instead...I was mortified when I found that one out...had I known I would have NEVER agree to that...he missed a child's birthday?!?!?!?...to be with someone he never loved?!?!?!?...that's tough to process...he's special...

 

Well I could write a ugly essay myself on what my xmm did, (that I had no idea about at the time, because I didn't know the asshat was still very much married), but one thing that comes to mind is him using his dying father as cover for coming to see me. Nasty uh!

[seren]

I am glad people have found support and the thread useful, but can I advise caution if anyone thinks they might get the same response from the BS in their situation. I think a lot of responses have been very kind and understanding, but IRL, I am not so sure the AP would get a similar response or understanding.

[ComingInHot]

It's been really great so far and I think if you read some of these other responses you can see that. please, I totally get where you are but don't do it on this thread. I'm begging you....**

 

eighteenyrstolate;

I'll respond in a while, I promise*

Edited December 18, 2012 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[wanting more]

I am glad people have found support and the thread useful, but can I advise caution if anyone thinks they might get the same response from the BS in their situation. I think a lot of responses have been very kind and understanding, but IRL, I am not so sure the AP would get a similar response or understanding.

 

 

You are correct. I had lots of texts from xMM BS, they were not nice, although deserved.

My letter and CIHs response was very helpful and very appreciated.

[ComingInHot]

Eighteenyearstolate; (sorry, my dumb tablet isn't letting use numbers for some reason)

 

As your MM's W:

First & foremost I want you to know that I will forgive you. It might not be today or anytime soon, but I will. I wonder though if I will ever be able to forgive myself. Will I ever be able to look in the mirror and forgive myself for allowing this man that we both obviously love for causing such destruction to my family and to my children. I am allowing that.

My husband says he never loved you. I believe that when he is w/his family that may be true BUT I think he's kidding himself if he doesn't think he loved you outside of his family. Maybe he is finally trying to separate the love affair from his love reality. These are things that I will have to face at some point but right now I want to try to enjoy a Little bit of peace for my sake and our kids sake during the holiday season.

I can only imagine the impression my husband has given you of me over these last years AND the impression I have given you through my actions! I'd like to say that isn't really who I am but I am seeing there are definite traits I have that aren't too pretty that have shown through trying to save and fight for a husband who clearly didn't care. Our relationship has Always been volitle w/moments of violence. Honestly, it's a rush to take the rage mixed w/passion to the edge of sanity then bring it back to say it's because we love each other so much. I do want to fix this as it isn't healthy at all, not for me our marriage or our children.

I am trying to consider you someone who is hurting because of my husband's lies and your letter has helped me but I know right now my anger is out weighing my reason and you are getting almost all of my blame. I think if I were to turn my rage and hurt onto my husband where it belongs, I would end up back in jail and away from my kids again... I wish things were different for both of us. And one day, in my own time, w/ or w/out him, I will forgive you. I hope in that moment wherever you are, you will feel it. As for me, sometimes forgiving ourselves is the hardest thing to do...

[ComingInHot]

Seren;

I agree w/you HUNDRED percent. My responses are probably not anywhere near what the OWs would hear from the BSs. However, my response was forgiving & short. It wasn't until I knew the exOW wasn't going "quietly into the night" that I let her feel the brunt of my anger. But maybe if I had asked more than just one question, if I had given her the "opening" to get out what was in heart & on her mind, it would not have continued and she wouldn't have felt compelled to communicate poorly and vindictively at me. Maybe it would've ended right then.

At any rate, the responses are my attempt to follow my own guidelines of this thread. It's sometimes really hard and I've cried at times when I've finished a response. Yet healing is taking place and that's the objective**

[Brit]

Seren;

I agree w/you HUNDRED percent. My responses are probably not anywhere near what the OWs would hear from the BSs. However, my response was forgiving & short. It wasn't until I knew the exOW wasn't going "quietly into the night" that I let her feel the brunt of my anger. But maybe if I had asked more than just one question, if I had given her the "opening" to get out what was in heart & on her mind, it would not have continued and she wouldn't have felt compelled to communicate poorly and vindictively at me. Maybe it would've ended right then.

At any rate, the responses are my attempt to follow my own guidelines of this thread. It's sometimes really hard and I've cried at times when I've finished a response. Yet healing is taking place and that's the objective**

 

CominginHot, these are great! What might help MORESO, is if you could answer questions from the BS side toward the lies and manipulation of what is in the mind of the MM talking truthfully or not so truthfully from both ends of his arse to his BS.

[18Years2Late]

Eighteenyearstolate; (sorry, my dumb tablet isn't letting use numbers for some reason)

 

As your MM's W:

First & foremost I want you to know that I will forgive you. It might not be today or anytime soon, but I will. I wonder though if I will ever be able to forgive myself. Will I ever be able to look in the mirror and forgive myself for allowing this man that we both obviously love for causing such destruction to my family and to my children. I am allowing that.

My husband says he never loved you. I believe that when he is w/his family that may be true BUT I think he's kidding himself if he doesn't think he loved you outside of his family. Maybe he is finally trying to separate the love affair from his love reality. These are things that I will have to face at some point but right now I want to try to enjoy a Little bit of peace for my sake and our kids sake during the holiday season.

I can only imagine the impression my husband has given you of me over these last years AND the impression I have given you through my actions! I'd like to say that isn't really who I am but I am seeing there are definite traits I have that aren't too pretty that have shown through trying to save and fight for a husband who clearly didn't care. Our relationship has Always been volitle w/moments of violence. Honestly, it's a rush to take the rage mixed w/passion to the edge of sanity then bring it back to say it's because we love each other so much. I do want to fix this as it isn't healthy at all, not for me our marriage or our children.

I am trying to consider you someone who is hurting because of my husband's lies and your letter has helped me but I know right now my anger is out weighing my reason and you are getting almost all of my blame. I think if I were to turn my rage and hurt onto my husband where it belongs, I would end up back in jail and away from my kids again... I wish things were different for both of us. And one day, in my own time, w/ or w/out him, I will forgive you. I hope in that moment wherever you are, you will feel it. As for me, sometimes forgiving ourselves is the hardest thing to do...

 

That was awesome...thanks!...almost like you know her (or us)...thanks again...

[BrokenPrincess]

Dear xMM's BW:

I have another question. It's been 2 months since DDay. He told you that we were just having an inappropriate cyber relationship. He wouldn't let you see what we'd been messaging each other when you caught him. When I said goodbye to him 3 days later, you still had not seen any of those messages or texts or emails. He said the only reason you didn't kick him out is because we weren't physical, and he said he would NEVER tell you.

 

I know you're not very tech savvy and I am thinking you have not done digging since then? Assuming this is true and you don't actually know the full extent and closeness of our talking--work emails, video calls 5x/wk, sexting, 3-4 hour phone calls, not to mention the actual PA....I want to know if it's possible that you have forgiven him already?

 

Have you moved on, disregarding this as a silly little texting dalliance that just made you really pissed at him for a while?

 

I was wondering because on my end, knowing everything, I am nowhere near over it and think about the A every day. While I am trying to process this alone, I imagine that you two have squashed it and are cozily enjoying the holidays without the A infiltrating your every thought.

 

Is that possible?

[ComingInHot]

Broken Princess;

May I pm you? I'd be more than willing to give you my take. but I already answered your final letter to MM's Wife* I think there is always something more that could be said from both ends yet that wouldn't gently close the door ya know? Let me know through a pm or separate thread

CIH

[LadyRecovery]

MMW, I did not know he was married when we met. When I found out, I was already in so deep. He did not wear a ring and I didn’t ask, just assumed he was not married. He said many times that this was not supposed to happen. We were never supposed to fall in love. You have been married to him for 30+ years and I want to put myself in your position and what I would want the OW to say to me. While in active addiction, he confessed that he had dozens of affairs over the years and that you only knew of one. Now that he is sober for several years, he claims that I am the first one. I am so horribly torn. You do not know about me and since he is living away from you for a year due to work, how could you know? I tried to end this several timesand I let him romance me into coming back. He does not speak ill of you, only that since he got sober that you have become more emotionally unavailable as you are an active member of Alanon. I am ashamed of the person I have become and wish I was strong enough to walk away.

 

I am jealous of you. You got the best years together with him. I cannot hate you although it would be easier if I could. It tears me apart when he goes home a couple times a month. However, I encourage him to do so, hoping he can have the guts to make a decision either way.

 

He says he will not make any disclosures or decisions until after your adult child’s wedding next year. He doesn’t want to do anything to hurt his child. He also has never said that he would leave you for me and I don’t ask. He says he loves me and is unhappy in the marriage. In any event, I know that my telling you about this affair while your H and I are still in it, will probably lead to his ending things with me. If he is the man I think he is… If I put my feelings aside, I would want him to be a good man and stay in the M, devoted to his lifelong spouse, make amends and spend retirement years enjoying the life you two have built. The selfish part of me wants him to choose me. I’m not sure I could live with that decision and be happy knowing I was part of the reason for a divorce. Never having been in an affair before, I just don’t know. I’ve spent a long time checking my motives for telling you about the A. It is not to harm either of you, to make him leave me, or to alleviate my guilt. I am doing what I hope an OW would do for me. To give you the choice to make decisions for your own life and not have them made for you. You deserve that and he should have enough respect for you to tell you himself.

[ComingInHot]

LadyRecovery;

As your MM's Wife...

This may come as a shock to you but sadly I am Not shocked. I wish I could still BE shocked but after years of dealing with his addictions, co-dependencies, cheating etc (and there definitely is an etc..) I have nothing left most days aside from supporting my family as a whole. I can see why he would tell you I am un-emotional but please know that I am Not un-feeling. I have had to learn to guard myself with regards to his past transgressions of which he only Thinks I know of one... so yes I appear to him to be un emotional.

I also want you to know that it was a mutual agreement that he take this job far away as time for me to heal and re-claim what he has so thoughtlessly stolen from me. It really has been a nice retreat but has also built a desire in him that I haven't seen in Years. When he comes home he showers me with love, affection adoration and I believe he is sincere. Maybe, if I knew about you, I wouldn't give in "one last time, again" to his incredible charms. But history for both he and I have shown that He truly is remorseful for his "mistakes" and I will ultimately turn a blind eye and we will both continue on. Maybe then again I will finally move on without him as our daughter is getting married soon and that will begin a different stage in our lives.

The way he acts lately though makes me wonder if it isn't that he doesn't love me but that with all his addictions, issues and his co-dependent nature, he falls easily from who he really wants to be with himself and with me.

PLEASE please don't be jealous of me. Trust me, this isn't the marriage I would have wanted for anyone not even you whom I do not even know. As my husband and I are reaching the "easy years", I just want peace for the two of us. Until he leaves or I decide to leave, it doesn't really matter what happens outside of our quaint little world we have built together. I wish that weren't true as you probably do to*

If I did know about you, It would definitely cause me great pain, but I am sure we would both find out how deep the lies run with this man we both love.

[LadyRecovery]

LadyRecovery;

As your MM's Wife...

This may come as a shock to you but sadly I am Not shocked. I wish I could still BE shocked but after years of dealing with his addictions, co-dependencies, cheating etc (and there definitely is an etc..) I have nothing left most days aside from supporting my family as a whole. I can see why he would tell you I am un-emotional but please know that I am Not un-feeling. I have had to learn to guard myself with regards to his past transgressions of which he only Thinks I know of one... so yes I appear to him to be un emotional.

I also want you to know that it was a mutual agreement that he take this job far away as time for me to heal and re-claim what he has so thoughtlessly stolen from me. It really has been a nice retreat but has also built a desire in him that I haven't seen in Years. When he comes home he showers me with love, affection adoration and I believe he is sincere. Maybe, if I knew about you, I wouldn't give in "one last time, again" to his incredible charms. But history for both he and I have shown that He truly is remorseful for his "mistakes" and I will ultimately turn a blind eye and we will both continue on. Maybe then again I will finally move on without him as our daughter is getting married soon and that will begin a different stage in our lives.

The way he acts lately though makes me wonder if it isn't that he doesn't love me but that with all his addictions, issues and his co-dependent nature, he falls easily from who he really wants to be with himself and with me.

PLEASE please don't be jealous of me. Trust me, this isn't the marriage I would have wanted for anyone not even you whom I do not even know. As my husband and I are reaching the "easy years", I just want peace for the two of us. Until he leaves or I decide to leave, it doesn't really matter what happens outside of our quaint little world we have built together. I wish that weren't true as you probably do to*

If I did know about you, It would definitely cause me great pain, but I am sure we would both find out how deep the lies run with this man we both love.

 

Thanks so much for the response. I would like to discuss more details about the nature of this situation. Can you PM me please? I know this thread isn't the place for it.

[promises]

Dear BS,

 

Me again. I envy what you have. All that you have . More than you will ever understand .I wish that we could each see each other as just women. Each hurting in our own unique way. I wish that I could take this pain away. My tust in him was fairly short . Yours much longer. Much more invested . But, time is not on my side at the moment . You need to fight through that or begin fighting for yourself. I never wanted to crush anothers spirit . And yet I was assured of the reasons that I wasn't . Turns out I crushed my own in the process .

 

Three immediate lives changed . I lost my job, my health insurance, months of income. I am struggling this christmas, too. Many wll say I deserve what I have gotten. That is vengeful. I ask you to please not hurt my family , I have little left . Forgiveness is something I need to heal. I will not speak of this , or to him again .

 

OW

[ComingInHot]

Lady Recovery;

I tried to pm you but it wouldn't let me... I believe you have to either be here for an extended time or have a certain number of posts or become a different kind of member. I am here to pm when you are able.

[ComingInHot]

Promises;

I think you have so much to offer and are also in the middle of a huge battle. I would be happy to hear from you via pm or another thread as your hurt goes well beyond any letter to this MM's Wife. Feel free to do either.

[Lostinlife4now]

BW....

 

After 9 months of NC Why in the HELL is he still trying to contact me?

 

Is he bored with you or Horney? I just don't understand....

 

He needs to get his marriage back on track or GET A EFFIN DIVORCE!!!!!!

[ComingInHot]

Lostinlifefornow;

Every response screams pain, loss, betayal, anger and resentment. I answered your letter as best I could. I sincerely apologize if I missed the mark. Maybe a topic for a thread all its own or a pm if you want a more Indepth view. Crazy as it sounds, I DO feel your conflict & would feel privileged to offer support*

[Lostinlife4now]

Lostinlifefornow;

Every response screams pain, loss, betayal, anger and resentment. I answered your letter as best I could. I sincerely apologize if I missed the mark. Maybe a topic for a thread all its own or a pm if you want a more Indepth view. Crazy as it sounds, I DO feel your conflict & would feel privileged to offer support*

 

 

Thanks CIH.....

 

But I don't need or want support...I just want the TOOL to stop calling me. If not his W WILL get a phone call!

 

I am HAPPY and Living a Wonderful Life.

 

I am an Italian and have ALOT of Feisty Qualities. So please don't confuse the two!

 

Have a Wonderful Holiday!!!!!!!!!!

[ComingInHot]

Lost...;

I love feisty!

I wish I could answer on why the he$$ this man child is harassing you. Sadly, your exMM sounds like an idiot. Just from your posts, I wouldn't mess you so I can't conceive that this dolt doesn't see he playing w/fire. Or maybe he Does and that's part of the excitement?.. I don't know and I don't get it. Oh! Possibly he's jealous that you've move on and are living life to the fullest, while he is still refusing to do the same.

My husband craved the excitement and attention too but luckily (for him) he realized that the fullest most exciting life he could have was with me and our children (who are crazy awesome not to brag but I just did... ). Maybe dropping a line to his Wife isn't a bad idea after all or at least the threat of doing so. Ugh! I'm SO angry For & with you.

Just keep dancing*

[Lostinlife4now]

Lost...;

I love feisty!

I wish I could answer on why the he$$ this man child is harassing you. Sadly, your exMM sounds like an idiot. Just from your posts, I wouldn't mess you so I can't conceive that this dolt doesn't see he playing w/fire. Or maybe he Does and that's part of the excitement?.. I don't know and I don't get it. Oh! Possibly he's jealous that you've move on and are living life to the fullest, while he is still refusing to do the same.

My husband craved the excitement and attention too but luckily (for him) he realized that the fullest most exciting life he could have was with me and our children (who are crazy awesome not to brag but I just did... ). Maybe dropping a line to his Wife isn't a bad idea after all or at least the threat of doing so. Ugh! I'm SO angry For & with you.

Just keep dancing*

 

 

Oh yes CIH.....

 

He knows he is playing with FIRE!!! And NO he does not like excitement. Very non-confrontational man.

 

AND HE IS JEALOUS that I have moved on. He has told me that on several occassions. My response to him.....SUCKS TO BE YOU!!!!!!

 

He is fulfilling his life with his rise to the top of the CORPORATE LADDER! He is on an airplane more than he is at home.