I'm YOUR MM's Wife!!

[georgia girl]

Total thread jack, but Coming In Hot, I really think you are doing something special here. You have a calm, quiet way of letting people express their thoughts and trying to give them great feedback.

 

I'm a W. Not a BW and not a MW having an affair. As a spouse, I can appreciate your insight so much.

 

Now back to the thread...

[So happy together]

I would say: Please stop telling people that I harass you at work when I do not. Your marriage was long dead before he left. He and I are still together, but he has his own place, is on his own and will live that way until he is divorced. That, while I'm sorry you're hurting, you're not hurting nearly as much as you would if the marriage was still viable. Stop talking about money, money, money. He has never given me a dime, and I make a very comfortable living. You are the one worried about his money, not me, and he feels, and I tend to agree, that is the only reason you want him to get back together with you. He isn't ever going back. I hope someday you move on and find someone who will love you truly, rather than the sham of a marriage that you had. Please stop asking around if my children are his. They are not. However, he wants to, and I will allow him to, be part of their lives. Also, please quit 'stopping by his parents house unannounced. They don't like it. And for the love of all that is holy, stop threatening him with slashed tires, broken windows and all the rest. You are 50, not 20.

[ComingInHot]

So_Happy,

As MM's W;

It is Not you per say. Actually, if I'm being honest, it is you partially because you are sleeping w/my husband but I'm really not "going after you" as much as I want "you going away".

I'm trying to hold onto my M, my H and our families and keep them intact. I feel like, if you would just "go" for a little while, then My H & I might have a chance at R. If R didn't work after six to twelve months and my H still wanted to be w/you, I'd at least know he and I gave it r everything and letting go would be a little less painful. I don't believe you are going to give us this chance and from the way my H feels about you, it doesn't look like he will either if you don't want him to.

This hurts me beyond my ability to cope.

I've tried everything to please my H. I'm kind and loving towards him. I Even got him a trip to do something very special that is his passion and he Was excited then all of a sudden "couldn't make the trip". I was humiliated and heartbroken that he backed out on this trip I bent over backwards to surprise him with. I can't help thinking this had something to do w/you nt wanting him to to away w/me, his Wife.

So, for now I Am angry and lasing out trying to hold onto a lost M and behaving in even some undignified manners. It's because I do Not have the ability to deal w/the pain and the thought that My H no longer loves me is the end of the world to me.

I can't promise I'll ever consider us friends but I think once the D is finalized, it'll be easier to deal as you will no longer be the woman sleeping w/my H but just my exH's girlfriend.

 

I think that will be a day we all breathe easier,

But for now I leave you as,

MM's Wife

[Wellington]

I miss him. Every day.

 

He told me your marriage was dead. He wanted to broach the subject of separation. You treat everything as a chore and a battle and have little patience for him. He wanted time to sort out his life but he still loves me, nothing has changed for him.

 

So, I have complied. Have not contacted him. It hurts every day to think that he has chosen someone who treats him so awful over someone who would love him unconditionally.

 

I don't want to be selfish. He had a life with you first and I intruded in that. If things are better, I just want to know. I feel like Im in limbo.

[ComingInHot]

Wellington,

 

As MM's Wife: (I don't know if W knows or not so as CIH I'll try my best*)

 

Wellington,

In my own heartache, I feel yours.

I am deeply touched that you reach out to me Not out of malice and contempt but in sharing the truth of your own heartache and of what my H told you about our M, and me.

 

It is w/both anger and sorrow that I feel forced to explain myself to you due to the betrayal of my H.

 

One, I had no idea our M was "dead" . In my eyes, our M is very much Alive.

Two, over the past years, I feel I've had to take on the role of being the leader of our family as H has grown distant, unattentive and less of a participant. This is Not a role I wanted but felt I had no choice in as there needs to be a leader w/in a family.

Three, having taken on this un-asked for position, the pressure to fufill both the responsibility of Wife and CEO of the home has prompted conflict and arguments through my attempt to Re-involve H in performing at least some of the responsibilities.

I can see how he would describe me has controlling, bossy & impatient.

 

My whole world became the success of my H, my family and my M as through the successes of my loved ones, I feel successful myself.

 

In truth, H has and I have had some intimate, M changing conversations as of late and the roles are changing back to what they should have been all along. I rea lie now & going forward that w/ALL I was doing, communicating was not one of them.

 

It is my intention and from what my H tells me, his too, that our M grow stronger. In that I have found the beginning of peace.

I pray that for you as well. If H asked for time and space to give our M the time & effort, I am thankful to both him for wanting it And you for loving him enough to let him go.

 

I know saying thank you is not what you want to hear from me, but I truly am.

 

May we both rise up better women & H a better man from the ashes of this heartbreaking situation.

Kindly,

MM's Wife

[ComingInHot]

Dear Wellington,

As CIH;

Your simple letter reached and touched me.

How the pain of losing a love rips us to our very core.

How can the sun possibly rise and shine in the midst of such torment?

I feel that you are in limbo. Neither with nor quite without this MM as he stated he was going to work on his M, but so subtly left the door cracked to you in case his M failed. (And to be honest, it is leaving the door cracked that I taste bile in my throat when consider in this MM)

 

You have been throw this "affair" door. You have been pushed back out of the "affair" door.

You are still standing at this door that is cracked open in hopes you are invited back in.

 

While you face this door, your back is turned to the thousand other doors that are open for you, inviting you in w/open arms waiting to surround you. Please don't wait too long to try these other doors*

I wish you all my best Wellington,

CIH*

[KeepMeInMind]

MM has never said one ill word about you. Not every cheating man paints an ugly picture. It's hard to believe, but some MM are honest outside of the lies that are told to conceal the affair.

 

I'd also like to confess something. We are supposed to be NC but that is not the case. Your suspicions about me are valid.

[ComingInHot]

KeepMeInMind,

As MM's Wife,

It's a relief to finally know I'm not I'm Not crazy for having my suspicions about you. And just as good to know he doesn't talk poorly of me. If I decide Not to D him immediately, it will make R a tiny bit easier.

Kindly,

His Wife

 

As CIH,

I wish you continued strength through this A you are participating in*

[KeepMeInMind]

Thank you.

[Wellington]

CIH,

 

Thank you. They are the words I know to be true yet have a hard time facing. Reading the same perspective has given me more perspective and I thank you.

 

Had a good cry and shut the door.....for him.

[ComingInHot]

Wellington,

What you did took courage & strength.

I wish I could do or say something, Anything to lesson your heartbreak. All I offer is that for as long as LS is here, there will be people here to support you and help you get to where you need to go.

And when you're ready, start walking through all those open doors*

CIH

[Henni]

Why won't you sign off on what you said you wanted for years? Everything you say or do speaks of your lack of respect or love for your husband, is it spite that makes you refuse to talk about the divorce terms? Is it because you don't want him to be happy, but rather punish him by not letting him free? Why do you threaten him legally in front of your children and try to make them lose their love and respect for him? Don't you know you are damaging your own children?

 

You don't know about me but you have your suspicions. You don't know me, although you know who I am. You have always been very cold an nasty to me, bitched about me to my work colleagues, long before there was anything going on between me and your husband. Maybe you sensed we were too close. In some ways, I can understand that. I think all those years of threatening him with divorce and belittling him publicly mean that it's hard for you to accept that he now wants it too, and doesn't feel anymore like pretending to be married publicly for the kids. It's messed up to pretend everything is fine when not sleeping in the same room and having years of week long silent treatment followed by angry aggressive outbursts. Your kids don't deserve to witness that. He sleeps with his door locked because he is afraid you will start shouting and the kids can hear. It's not his job to make you happy, it's yours. Why won't you just grow up and sign the papers? You said it was what you wanted. Do you hate him so much that you just want to prolong this agony for everyone?

[Henni]

CIH - I know you are not her. I deeply respect your ability to do this and think it speaks for your empathy and kindness, and your highly evolved emotional strength. A lot of things came out there that I didn't expect. Thank you for what you are doing, regardless of what you reply.

[ComingInHot]

Henni,

Thank you So much for your kindness. It has been and is a privilege actually to be part of what seems to be a healthy outlet. (And trust me, I'm NO Saint! I have my anger and rants too, just read around here...)

I'm going to take a bit to think about what you wrote Before I respond because frankly, the W kind of sounds like a ___________ (pressing edit button beeeeeeeeeep*)

But I can usually see through the words and find something.

I'll do my best for you though.

CIH*

[ComingInHot]

Henni,

As MM's W;

You think you know me so well. Everyone sees the surface and assumes I'm all that my H cries.

Looking at myself, I probably have become a bitter wench.

Well you know what ? I am angry! So angry that I don't even recognize the woman looking back at me in the mirror.

I'm grasping at both the remnants of my life, M & family while trying to keep my H from the happy life he promised me!

I spent my life & M committed to supporting, sacrificing for my H so he could succeed. I bore him his legacies. I spent my time being a good mother, encouraging W, and showing his world a family he could be proud of and all would envy.

And in return I got Nothing! I was left emotionally starved.

I tried being the seductive W only to be rejected.

I attempted to stimulate him intellectually between changing diapers, being pregnant and wiping noses only to receive a blank stare before the volume turned up on the t.v. .

I changed tactics to threatening him w/the break up of his family if he didn't start feeding me & our marriage.

Somewhere along the line, something in me died..

My strategy was lost and the only thing left was the anger.

Now, there is you. I know you. I know you are trouble to me and my barely in tact family. You will be what breaks me. I will blame you and use you to prove everything I said to my children and whoever would listen , was true.

I will know that the only blame you r responsible for is sleeping w/my H, but you will take Years of my pain, rage & resentment.

But one day I will hear the cries of my soul from the locked away place in my heart screaming for me to stop before more I repairable damage is done.

When that day comes, will you be there to repair w/me the damage you caused in the A as I begin to repair the years of damage between my children & H?

Will you become the better person and in sincerity and love empathize w/my pain and love my children enough & H enough to open the door to create a healthier split family?

I will grow weary of this anger or it will end me.

Remember me as a woman lost so that one day you can maybe know me once I am found again.

Kindly,

MM's Wife

[Henni]

I fear your anger and bitterness. I fear your will to destroy me, to destroy any future happiness for your husband, even if it means destroying it for yourself, who longs for a different life than the one you've had, and for your children, who are the innocent victims of all this anger. If you can get some consolation from my fear of you, take it. You have that power, I don't deny it, you have the power to turn this into a war and I don't think I can fight with you. I don't want war. I don't want to compete with you. I don't want your children to be in that situation. If sharing your misery is your prize, you have the power to win it. Is the power the issue? I surrender all power in this to you and I won't fight you.

 

I would never try to belittle your role as a mother. I don't want anything material from you. Nobody is trying to give you an unfair deal financially or any other way. I hope you can find happiness in your life, someone who can be what you want, who doesn't disappoint you, I hope you can be free from all this anger and have peace. I believe your marriage failed because you are simply not compatible. It is not your failure. He is not what you want, you have said so yourself, and I hope your disappointment in that will fade as you are no longer trapped in this situation.

 

If I were to build a life together with your husband, you would always have a role in it as the mother of his children. I would never disrespect you to them in any way. The door is open and I am open to building building a healthy relationship, perhaps even a friendship with you, if you would let me. I will not pursue an agenda that includes anyone's unhappiness, even yours. You have been unhappy for so long.....you have the power to move on from that. Please don't be afraid to do it. Please be happy, and let him go, you don't want him. I will try to build a happier life for us all, with your help. You are so important to this. I can't do it without you. He can't either. Everything rests with your actions. Please just take what you need and want and let it go. I will be ok with or without him. Broken hearts mend. But you will not be ok together. Neither will your kids. You have all the power.

Edited April 9, 2013 by Henni

[Henni]

CIH -

 

This was such a watershed. I feel too emotional right now to respond to you, as you, but thank you.

[Wellington]

Henni,

 

My heart breaks when I read your post. Your words echo in my head. I too wish his wife no ill intent. She seems finished with him, he sounded so unhappy. He and I both have children. I have mulled over how our scenario would play out and not once did it ever involve me being stressed out over it. As a matter of fact, I envision us all happy, dancing around the kitchen cooking dinners. My children blending beautifully with his. My children are older but would gladly accept his and take his under their wings. We would be happy. I would accept his as my own and hopefully have a " friendship" ( once the wounds heal) with his wife. An open door. A cooperative parenting scenario.

 

In a perfect world. I pray every night.

[Throwingintowel]

I am a newbie to this site and perhaps different as I am an OW who is also a MW coming out of the dark after 2.5 years and several ddays. I loved this post and what I've read. So here it goes.

 

You learned about our affair early on..3 weeks in and you chose not to expose me or destroy my life. Your H tells me that your motives were selfish and that you felt if you ratted me out, based on the intimate email exchanges you had read in detail, that I'd leave my H and your h would leave you and that we would be together and that you could not and would not make it that easy for us. Yet we continued this A regardless and just became more cautious but yiu never demanded repent or reprieve or transparency on his part. You put your head in the sand and subsequently learned we were still "in contact" several times since. I am sure he played it off and lied through his teeth. He told me of all your weak attempts to reconnect. The forced date nights tht he despised, the forced intimacy, the forced comparison of yourself to me. I was living my own lie quietly with my distant and clueless husband and was available to yours anytime he needed me. You threatened divorce many times, met with lawyers, the whole nine yards but in the end refused to let him go. You know and knew he was still with me and the last he told me, you flat out told him that he can have ten affairs but you refuse to be divorced. So I wonder who you really are and how you respect yourself or expect him to respect you. But make no mistake about it, I equally don't respect myself. He has been playing us both and knows I'm a safe bet bc I have as much to lose as he does. The thing is, I never cared if you exposed me really. I was willing to take my lumps and build a new life with your H and our combined children. He still swears to me every day that he cannot stand you yet you travel the world and fill your lives with distraction and things that money can buy but he will never love you the way you deserve and likely won't live me or anyone else the way they deserve because he is incapable. I'd have changed my life to be with him and would have lived your children as my own if you let us be. You won't trap him förever. He will strike again. I should be happy that he is your prolem now not mine. And now I deal with my own failing sham of a marriage. Such a travesty...don't you think. Don't we all deserve better? Don't you?

[ComingInHot]

Oh shoot....... ThrowingintheTowel, you are putting me to the test here w/my keeping my vow to this forum. . So, in order to keep my promise, I WILL respond, but please be patient while I disect your letter and separate my own emotions to give my best. *

 

Be back soon!

[Throwingintowel]

Thank you CIH

 

Henni- your story resonates with me as well. From what I've been told my MM and his w have been talking divorce for years and long before I came along. It's as if for his w, the discovery of what she always suspected may happen made her resolve stronger to not let him go. As if it's a competition of some sort now...a battle of wills. She doesn't want the stigma or to lose the very easy and cushy life she is now accustomed to yet she says she longs for the intimacy and attention that she believes he has with me. I don't believe he gives it o her though he cold be lying to me. She has threatened him with difficult custody scenarios and financial ruin if he leaves her. She started legal process but when she realized she may not get it exactly the way she wants...she pulled back and told him she will not be divorced ever. Of course I know it's his choice ultimately but he knows she would turn kids against him and likely me should we both take the leap of faith. I'm married as well. A double mess. Deep down I know there is no happy ending here so I'm trying to let go of my resentment and him and be respectful to his marriage and kids by stepping asideand letting the chips fall where they may without him existing in the cake and eat it too state which is comfortable. What kind of woman coould condone her husband having affairs. It's frightening to me and I probably would want nothing to do with this woman in my life.

[ComingInHot]

Throwinginthetowel,

I'm going to keep this short because I am having difficulty w/how damaged your A situation is w/all people Now knowingly involved. So, bare w/me*

 

As MM's Wife,

Yes I DO know you. Not as intimately as my H, but well enough to know I can't handle you or any other woman parenting my children.

No one BUT NO ONE, will be a mother to my children but me!

 

I know you are married & now that D-day is here, You are married even still.?.?

Just like me.

Just like your H & mine...

 

I want to wish you peace, but I'm not sure if that would be wise as you write you want my kids & H. It scares me. You scare me.

So, for as long as you are w/my H, I will be here Not D'ing him.

If he wants be w/you, HE is going to have to file for D because, .I just can't

 

Kindly,

MM's Wife

[Throwingintowel]

Thank you CIH for your response. I'm not sure my initial letter accurately portrayed what's been going on but I deserve the cold hard reality of your response either way even if I tried to plead my side of the story etc. ex MM and I are both unhappy in our marriages and both have the same things at risk. His wife found out. My husband still has not. She never confronted me or exposed me and believes for the most part that her husband is having an EA with me. Should I have walked away after the first Dday. Yes, absolutely and I did but he came back for me...pursued me each and every time and I was weak and tormented and "in love". Yes, there were many times that I wanted his W to let him go and even expose me to my h. I was willing to be with him. I do not want to be the mother to his children as I have two of my own but I though we could build a life. I am not proud of myself but at the same time, his wife's flat out ignorance to the situation and in some respects condoning her H has affairs...emotional or otherwise is insanity to me and perhaps lessened my appreciation or respect for her. Of course, I cannot judge. And truly, he has been playing us both to the hilt. So I've let go finally....fully given him back to her. I'm not a villain. I'm also not a victim. The relationship caught us by surprise and grew beyond what either of us anticipated. Trust me, I leave this broken and destroyed and know I'm largely to blame. My love was laced up with a man manipulative and selfish who I believed would chose us. I was wrong.

 

Thanks again for your honesty. Maybe my posting was a mistake. It seems that a MW having an A with a MM is very frowned upon more so than a single person. Interesting. I believe this goes on way more than people know bc it's the seemingly "safe" way to have your cake nd eat it too but not all make the mistake of falling in love. Oh well.

[loredo21]

Thank you CIH for your response. I'm not sure my initial letter accurately portrayed what's been going on but I deserve the cold hard reality of your response either way even if I tried to plead my side of the story etc. ex MM and I are both unhappy in our marriages and both have the same things at risk. His wife found out. My husband still has not. She never confronted me or exposed me and believes for the most part that her husband is having an EA with me. Should I have walked away after the first Dday. Yes, absolutely and I did but he came back for me...pursued me each and every time and I was weak and tormented and "in love". Yes, there were many times that I wanted his W to let him go and even expose me to my h. I was willing to be with him. I do not want to be the mother to his children as I have two of my own but I though we could build a life. I am not proud of myself but at the same time, his wife's flat out ignorance to the situation and in some respects condoning her H has affairs...emotional or otherwise is insanity to me and perhaps lessened my appreciation or respect for her. Of course, I cannot judge. And truly, he has been playing us both to the hilt. So I've let go finally....fully given him back to her. I'm not a villain. I'm also not a victim. The relationship caught us by surprise and grew beyond what either of us anticipated. Trust me, I leave this broken and destroyed and know I'm largely to blame. My love was laced up with a man manipulative and selfish who I believed would chose us. I was wrong.

 

Thanks again for your honesty. Maybe my posting was a mistake. It seems that a MW having an A with a MM is very frowned upon more so than a single person. Interesting. I believe this goes on way more than people know bc it's the seemingly "safe" way to have your cake nd eat it too but not all make the mistake of falling in love. Oh well.

 

well it is very frowned upon by BS's. of course. But there are soooo many MOM/MOW on this board. and for the most part all supportive and understanding. It is a tough position to be in. And you should always feel free to post more. And more of your story so we can get to know you better. Don't regret posting. It takes guts! hugs!

[ComingInHot]

Throwing inthe towel

Please PLEASE don't apologize for posting you true thoughts! I missed the mark and thought you were still in A and wanted MM's W to go away so You could take on the role of Mother to her children, not just Step Mother.

I also didn't read your struggle or pain or even anger. Again I missed the mark and am sorry for that.

I have learned that the AP can be just as hurt in A's then take the brunt of the anger from many parties.

It is Not to be dismissed and I feel I've let down this thread from missing the emotion behind your letter.

I truly wish you the very best and your life going forward to be Blessed!

CIH*