I'm YOUR MM's Wife!!

[ComingInHot]

response as your MM's Wife;

And remember please I don't know her and am Not her *

 

I wouldn't tell you that your feelings are wrong! I may wish you didn't have them though. And you're right in the fact that I have taken him for granted at times and I'm Not the best communicator. Maybe things would be different if I had been better at these things. I certainly didn't think that because of my weaknesses I would have ended up w/a husband that is having an affair. I hope (if this is really how your MM's W is..) that one day I will strengthen where I am lacking and my husband won't need you anymore. Having you in my marriage (if she knows) has been a wake up call for me and I am already working on becoming a better partner for him.

I can see why you fell for him and sometimes I get jealous that he is giving something to you and not me but it is something I guess I didn't allow him to give to me in the first place. I only know I want to feel peace. Peace in my own heart and in my marriage and at the end of the day peace for you as well. You know, my husband wouldn't just pick any old someone to give himself to, so I have to realize you must be something special.

 

LHF; this was hard cause I don't know if she knows or anything but from some of the posts I've read of yours, she sounds a bit self absorbed. And I don't even know if that is accurate.

But My answer was intended for you to feel heard and respected. I hope I was a little close?!??

[melodymatters]

CIH, Never having cheated, or been cheated on (to my knowledge) I've never read this section before and I've been on LS for over 6 yrs, but for some reason I was compelled to read your post and my heart goes out to you. You seem like a very cool, level headed lady and I wish the best for you and your family, and that whatever is meant to be, will be.

 

 

Not to be light hearted on such a serious thread, but this has been HIGHLY enlightening for me and when MY husband wakes up from his nap, the poor dear will wonder why I'm looking at him sideways !?!

[ComingInHot]

Melody;

Thanks.

I think that instead of jumping to the horrible conclusion that the BS is cold, unfeeling heartless hag and the OW is a manipulative snake, This particular thread could allow the OW/OM an opportunity to really let out how they are feeling and what they are thinking w/out the harsh response of a BS.

It is easier for me because I know that these people are NOT my husband's particular OW. If I knew that it was, I think I would Still respond w/class but at least here no one can see me cry.

Honestly, w/just about every response, I have healed a little bit more! I hope my responses have helped some too but the intent was to let the participators feel heard and respected if they posted sincerely*

Ya... my husband's one hell of a lucky man. I'm glad he finally knows it!!

[j'adore]

J'Adore what do you want her to do? Why?

 

If she has any insight at all she will do the opposite of what you want. She seems to be doing that now so while you think she's dumb she's upsetting you without much effort.

 

As you've said the ball is on your court. You can let him cake eat or you can put a deadline on him. Make him choose or be grateful she is not making waves. If it were me I would make a deadline. But you may settle if you choose. Either way what she does should be irrelevant.

 

Sorry I do not think she is dumb at all. I never said that !!! I know she is intelligent that is why it makes it all the more unbelievable that she does nothing. However he needs to face the consequences and she is not doing that to him. I have done that and I still do. I am giving him grief and he is not used to that. So maybe she hopes that if she does nothing, then he will just accept a quieter life and i will give up. If he chose to stay with her (and I don't mean just leave things as they are) and admitted the truth, and BS told him to never see me again, then at least I would know that he had even thought about it and accept the result. Give a man a chance to do what he wants, and he will. They all will. She is doing that, I am not.

[ComingInHot]

J';

What "consequences" are you hoping she inflicts on her husband?

You still haven't stated here , on this thread, for this topic, what you REALY want to say to your MM's Wife whom he is choosing to stay with.

It's okay you know, to say what is really on your mind and in your heart. I won't attack you.*

[Stephanie]

On topic posts only please, Thanks

[ComingInHot]

Thank You Stephanie.

[promises]

dear OMW,

 

I'm not sure where to begin. I need to let you go, let go of my shame for what I've done to your family unit. I need to let go of my remorse for what I've done in our community to your family name, to mine. I need to somehow let go of that because although you have no concern for me, which you have made clear, I know that my name is now imprinted on your brain and will be in some way for a long while. I need to let go of your family, your husband, now. Because he hurt me, too. He made promises to me, too. He told me of his feelings as well. He shared things with me that I know you know, and I need to let go because I need to honor myself back to where I once did. I need to somehow do the 'right thing' and honor your family. I know that this situation is particularly hurtful because of the 'how' and 'why' we connected, and I wish you had more of a concrete view of my side of the story. I know you never will.

 

I am angry at you as well. It may seem unjustified, but I know the grip you had on this man and the part you had him play. I know and have seen the very public humiliation you put him through long before me. I know that his helplessness wasn't all on his own accord. I know that he was without a voice and I am aware that I may have been a way to scream out to you, that he was lovable enough. What you did after you learned of me was vengeful and distracting. It worked. He was too scared to leave you and I too scared to not ask him to remain. I would ask you if you feel fear is justified as love. Love to hold your family together, but, real, love for another human?

 

I wish I wasn't a pawn in this circle. I know that this isn't the end as our circle is too close, but, if I could have your forgiveness someday.. when I get to a point of feeling I wish I had it, I would hope you would be considerate in not holding onto hate. And, should you two make it, through your therapy, through the next months, I would hope that you would give him some wings, and not the other way around anymore. But, this is my understanding. You have yours.

 

Although angry, I forgive him. I cannot live in a world of anger or hate for very long. I am trying to forgive me. Yes, I loved him.

 

the OW.

[candyland123]

I wonder how much of what he says is the truth. He says he has no passion for you. When we first met he said you were best friends, now he says I am. He is a very guarded person and it has taken awhile to really get to know him, he says I know more secrets about him then anyone else. I wonder if this could be true.

 

He looked for me because there was a void in his life with you, do you feel this too? Are you madly in love with him? I hope for your sake not. If you ever knew the things he has said to me, how he wishes he could go back in time and be with me instead of you. If you knew of the beautiful love letters he sends to me, does he to you?

 

He tells me now how you watch every move he makes, yet still he continues to see me. I wonder how you can live like that. Feeling he is cheating and policing him, yet he continues. I do not wish to hurt you. If it wasn't me it would be someone else. At least I don't want him to leave you, we never say bad things about you. I have even told him he should work on his marriage. Try to get back those feelings of passion. He says he never had them for you.

 

I know if you find out there will be no choice, it will be you. I hope maybe he will get it out of his system and come back to you. I am sorry.

[ComingInHot]

Promises;

Oh my dear, if I had the emotional capacity right now to hug you I would. Not because you willingly chose to get into bed w/my husband and now cause apocolyptic damage to My family BUT because there is SO much you don't know. I understand your anger towards me because of what you witnessed and my husband's explanation to you painting him as the victim. He has always been so good w/his words, always explaining away Everything to have responsibility end up at someone else's feet. And now he has you swallowing every word he gives you like they are pieces of Godiva chocolate. That makes me angry for both of us.

I hope one day you don't see me as the woman who stood in your way of the man you loved just as I hope to one day not see you as the person who not only did sleep w/my husband but tore my family to pieces and publicly shamed me and my children.

I wish I could tell you why I am the way I am and that even what you have seen of me does not tell the whole story. I believe if you were able to see a glimpse into my relationship w/my husband, you would also agree that while charming and whitty he is also a manipulator by nature. Because of figuring that out later in our marriage, I have done what needed to be done to counter& adapt & support & well the list goes on.

But I love this man and as angry as I am with him, he has begged and cried for a second chance so I have allowed him back into our home.

It hurts because I can tell he misses the freedom he had w/you. I can see that little boy in him longing for one last trip outside before being forced back to school & rules. I hate feeling like that is what his children & I have become to him! Yet he loves us because he can never recreate me or our family again. I am holding onto that for now. It's all I've got left.

Please know that I will think of you but not w/hatred or bitterness but w/forgiveness and in hopes you find someone who will treat you the way you should be treated, with honor, love & respect. You are better than some bodies secret!!

[cocorico]

To his xBW:

 

There are so many things I do not understand about your choices. For the sake of your kids I tried really hard to see things from your perspective, to explain to them why things weren't quiet as bad as they seemed to them, that your aggression and hostility and constant putting them down was rooted in your own insecurities and your unhappy childhood, but my words sounded increasingly hollow to me and I gave up trying to explain and rather just focused on their pain, allowing them to express that and trying to contain that. I know H shared much of their pain too, and I can only imagine what it must feel like, in his case, to keep loving and giving when you know it will just be turned on you, and I want to ask you if you ever really loved him, or if he was just a convenient, safe punching bag for your unresolved issues towards your parents, your father, men in general?

 

You pride yourself on your communication skills, you've said so. So why did you not tell him that you'd changed your mind, that you wanted kids after all, that you suddenly believed in monogamy and the marital vows you roundly dissed when you made them "under duress" as you claimed, or that you didn't really mean it when you said you did not care if he had other GFs as long as he did not leave you? Why did you deliberately lead him to believe one thing, and then rage at him for not knowing that you really meant quite the opposite "as he must have known"? And why did you consider it fine for you to cheat on your xH, fine for Kate to cheat on Andy (to the extent of actively facilitating her many As even though Andy was one of your closest friends), fine for Judith to cheat on Jim (dissing Jim for being so cut up about it) but when H did it, it was the crime of the millennium? Was it really because women deserve to do that to men, or,was it simply that you did not like getting your own medicine?

 

I know deep inside you won't, can't, answer these or any of the other questions I have, because you cannot even understand how they could be questions. It matters so very fundamentally to you at such a deep psychological level that you are right all the time that you can actually not comprehend the views of others if they differ from your own. I have come to accept that. But I do wonder, why did you not seek, or accept, help? You are so unhappy, you have always been so very, very, unhappy, trying to take your life on occasion. Why did you not accept the help that was offered, why did you not want to be happy, instead of a wanting everyone else to be as unhappy as you were - even your own kids?

 

I am very saddened when people choose unhappiness, weakness, dysfunction or dependence. I have seen it too many times in people who were close to me, have myself been in those situations when it seemed an attractive option, and I know that while it may seem an easy choice it is seldom sustainable without great cost. Would you ever consider help? Do you want to heal? Would you like to be happy? Despite your best efforts, there are,still people who care about you who would help. Would you let them?

[ComingInHot]

Candyland;

If you only knew how utterly crazy I feel right now... My husband always used to tell me all the time that I was More than just his Wife & lover but his best friend too. Then seemingly overnight or over the span of a few weeks he stopped saying it. I wish I knew Why?! It makes me feel even more insecure than I already am. Now I find out that about you and my whole world has turned upside down!

I think about him being a lie. His he or is this a temporary behavior? Either he always lied to me about the once in a lifetime love he found w/me or he truly Did mean it at the time and now he just gave those feelings to you OR he is lying to both of us or finally, he truly feels that way bout both of us. Do you see my emotional instability right now?! It feels like it is literaly killing me.

He is telling me that he loves me that he wants to get back to where we were but he can't quite let go of you yet. I don't think we can ever go back but I really want to make our marriage work going forward. He tells me he wants to as well and to make it even better.

I NEED him. I don't think I could go on w/out him! It terrifies me that you could possibly sway him to leave me. You sound SO different than me. Confident. Strong. Aggressive. All I can do is whatever it takes to support him in staying in our marriage. So, I DO watch him. I expect him to make good this time him saying he wants to be w/me but I also know you actively want him too so that makes me Extremely proactive in keeping him close to me. My actions are NOT intended to hurt you but to hold onto and save our marriage. I know that given the chance, we will fall in love again and he will be my best friend again. That is my goal. Please understand that I am trying to turn something tragic into something terrific w/my husband.

[ComingInHot]

Coco;

I have to get to work but I will respond as soon as I can. Yours will take some thought as I have to REALY remove myself from the response because of what I have read from your posts as well as your "to the W" comment makes me think differently regarding your situation. Bear w/me. I'll get to it.

[Summer Breeze]

Dear DMMs XW,

 

There have been times over the last few months, since I learned of the D, that I've wanted to reach out to you. I don't completely know why. I think it's because I want to talk to you woman to woman. I'm not really sure what to say and how to say it without sounding patronizing but I'll try.

 

I remember one conversation we had after the last dday. It was so bizarre because we actually ended up laughing at how easily we talked. You told me he never would say he didn't love me. I heard the hurt in your voice and I knew that pain because he always told me he loved you. So much in common in so many ways. I think we did ourselves proud. We talked, we cried but other than the very first conversation neither called the other names or belittled the other. Having spent a few years in here reading what BS and OW have to say about each other I think we did very well and thank you for that.

 

He never once said anything bad about you. He never once said he didn't love you. We rarely spoke about you to be fair. On my part it was because I was fixated on my R with him. On his part it might have been part the same and part how he compartmentalized things. He never pitted me against you and built any sort of false competition with you. I knew there was no competition. He wasn't ever leaving.

 

I didn't know until months after you'd separated that he'd moved out. With it being years since I ended it I was surprised. I hope you know that decision was his, or yours, or yours together. He said it was his and I will believe him till I hear otherwise. But I wasn't anywhere in his life and hadn't been for a long time. He said you didn't fight when he said he was leaving. He said he'd broken you and it was something he would regret forever. I see it in his eyes when he talks about it now. He told me something you said shortly after he left. I want you to be happy. From what I know of you that was sincere. It crushed him. I'm finding myself in a strange place of hearing more about you in counselling than I did during the A. And he still hasn't had a bad word to say about you.

 

I don't know what we have or if it'll ever be anything. He's with your kids right at this moment and they're shopping for you. I would imagine he'll be haunted by an awful lot of things and he should be. xBS, I have no idea what the future holds for any of us. I know my feelings for him are very deep and I want to try but the magnitude of what he had and lost is huge. I may want a future with him but it may well be the past you share that makes it impossible for us.

 

The last thing I want to say. I want to talk to you about 'Pete'. I know he's ill and I know you both have dedicated much to taking care of him for years. I've told DMM I want you two to both make the decision on my involvement in his life. I'll say my piece but I'll also respect what you both decide.

 

Thank you for your graciousness.

[candyland123]

Coming in hot,

 

If you only knew, I am not a strong woman but your husband has brought out the strength in me. He builds me up with his beautiful words, his complete acceptance of me. I have cried in his arms as he held me and he said I am here for you.

 

What saddens me is I know him given me strength has weakened you. He said you never argued, until me. I have taken from you something which is difficult to recover your self confidence. What I know you won't understand, I have told him to do these things for you.

 

I have broken up with him so many times. Many of these break-ups were by letters of me telling him to rediscover with you what I had taken. He says he cannot. I know he has lied to me, I do wonder if he is lying about the passion he shares with you. He says it is difficult for him to have sex with you, you have even made comments questioning his sexuality over this. Is this true. I wish I could talk with you and tell you how to win his love back.

 

- accept your body and share it with him fully. He loves the female body and enjoys giving pleasure, learn to love your body as it is not as you wish it were and let him show you the joy of sharing it together.

 

- I understand you controlling his behavior. He has giving you reason but you can never stop someone from pursuing others. Offer him your trust, in little segments.

 

- become independent from him. What ever that looks like for you.

 

- NEVER question his manhood. You could not do something worse to a man. He is proven he is all man with me.

 

- Flirt with other men. It will drive him insane. He will pursue. Let him chase you. Push him away. Man love to pursue what runs away. Don't go far, but make him worry a little.

 

- he feels like something is missing from your relationship. This one is not meant to hurt, but it will. Be intimate then stay in bed naked together, it allows for complete openness and sharing.

 

He would never chose me over you. You are his family, his identity. I am his fling which strokes his ego, I know this. I have NEVER asked him to leave you for me. I wonder if one day he will regret being with me.

[candyland123]

Coming in hot,

 

I do not know if this was the intention, but something about talking with you feels as though I am talking with her. It certainly makes me question what I have done to another person. I have always hoped not to hurt her. Even if she does not know about me, I see I have hurt her. I hurt their relationship. If it wasn't for me they would not have this distance. Then again if it wasn't me it would be someone else. At least I do not wish to take him. I am only borrowing him until he is ready to recommit to you. He will. His words to me are lies to keep me in our bubble what we have is not real it is a fantasy. You are his life. I am not the reason for the disconnect in the marriage, I am merely a symptom. Fix the emptiness he is feeling. Only you can do that.

 

I wish you happiness in the future.

[waterwoman]

What an amazing thread. So many generous and thoughtful responses.

 

summer - yours made me cry a little.

[Summer Breeze]

What an amazing thread. So many generous and thoughtful responses.

 

summer - yours made me cry a little.

 

It made me cry a little too WW. It's a conversation I've wanted to have with her for a while now and I know it will happen because I know I need to do that. It was good to have this as a dry run and put some of my thoughts in order.

 

WW, could you please put the kettle on? I need a cuppa!

[waterwoman]

WW, could you please put the kettle on? I need a cuppa!

 

Just made one. I'll pour it into the keyboard

[suki1]

Dear W of exMM

 

I'm not sure what to say to you. My feelings towards you have been so confused over the years. In the beginning, when things first started between us, I would like you to know that when he asked me to spend the night with him I refused and told him I wouldn't until you split up. 8 months later he told me that he'd moved into the spare room and ended your relationship and stupidly I believed him, until then our relationship was never physical. I realise now that this was most likely bullsh*t. I am very sorry for that, though I don't expect you to forgive me.

 

In those early days I also promised myself that I would never hate you or your daughter. I know, I had no reason to, I hurt you not the other way around, but it is such a common theme among OW and I did not want to go down that road. Funnily enough, towards the end I did hate you and your little girl on some level. That was one of the things that made me take stock the last time he did his usual trick of finishing with me for a couple of weeks to shut me up.

 

I don't hate you now. I am just very, very sorry that I hurt you, though as far as I know you never found out about me. I am not naive enough to believe that not knowing means I had no effect on you. I hope that everything is good for you now and in the future, whether you stay with him or not. I hope he never cheats again, because no matter what he said or what you're like as a person, you don't deserve that. I also promise that whether my current relationship lasts or not I will never be involved with him or any other man who is not completely available again. Nor will I ever cheat on my partner. That probably means very little to you, but I don't have anything else to offer. I am so sorry

[MissBee]

Funnily...I can't think of a thing I would have said to her. Except, had there been a dday I would have probably spoken with her woman to woman and just tell her how I felt about him and ask about what her side/their relationship was like...as I was curious about it, as he provided no details about it, except to say he loved her but loves me too.

 

It's long gone so I'm sure that adds to it, but even thinking retrospectively, I never felt like I had any message for her. I knew VERY LITTLE about her. certainly not enough to have any opinions, negative or positive. Any message would more so be a conversation inquiring about the "full picture" rather than a "Hey BS I think you are this way or that way and why did you do this or that or why didn't you etc." They are no longer together and they weren't married, so I guess there was little in the way of fall out, had that been different, I'd have had more to say probably. But at this point I doubt she would care now, as they broke up for a few years now, so if we ever did talk, it would be slightly irrelevant and probably more curiosity on both our parts rather than any emotional investment.

 

I really thank my exAP though for his refusal to talk to me about her in detail or their relationship. I think that was one less thing to think about and deal with. There was no opportunity for competition and I think sometimes it's not intentional, but simply knowing a lot about this other person takes it there quite insiduously. I knew she existed and it bothered me and I accidentally heard her voice once (and thought it sounded polished, which then made me create an image in my head of a woman who was similar to me ). I didn't have a concrete picture of her, didn't know how she looked or her good or bad traits, just very matter of fact info. So I can't say I have any pent up unsent messages.

Edited December 10, 2012 by MissBee

[ComingInHot]

Summer Breeze;

Wow. I felt I was doing pretty good just addressing and responding to the letters from OW's as their wife but now I read your post. It really touched me.

Instead of responding as the exBS I think I will just say that if enough time as passed for her and you know or get the feeling that she is in a better place, then go ahead and share with her exactly what you did here. I hope her response will be what mine would have had I replied in her stead, and that is although there was love and children it just wasn't enough.

I am sure she was enough and I am sure you are enough what I am worried about is, is he enough?

Thanks again for making this thread great!

[ComingInHot]

Suki1;

If I had known of you, it truly could have shattered my world and my daughter's world. On the other hand, it would have answered SO many questions for me. He would pick fights out of NOwhere then just leave me and our little girl. I figured he just needed fresh air... I colored my hair when he said he like a different color, now I know it was your color. I cried myself to sleep wondering what was going on?!

He DID sleep in the spare room 1 time because I completely lost it and kicked him out. That must have been near the ending of his affair with you. I think he was frustrated that he couldn't keep up the dual life any longer w/out giving you what he "promised" all along.

I feel badly that you struggled with feelings of hatred and animosity towards me but more so towards our little girl. I was innocent and ignorant of what was really happening but please don't hate or be angry at a little girl who spent hours crying to spend time with her Daddy, who, for a time wouldn't give her the time of day aside from a passing hug or an occasional tuck in.

Thank You for letting your anger towards us go. If I had known, I am sure I would have been raging too but in the end Suki1, you are right, it isn't good to hold onto unhealthy things. I am so glad you are free of the nightmare created by my husband. There were times during that period that I wanted to be free too. I just didn't know why.*

[ComingInHot]

Miss Bee,

Sweet Lady, it sounds like you're in a good place*

[Sparkly24]

Dear Mrs L

 

Selfishly, I want to say that I hate you for having something that I desperately want but cannot have, and for rubbing it in my face even more for not appreciating it. You don't see how amazing he is and you dont make him happy when you have the chance to and I dont. You see him every day and wonder around ikea with him where I get a high from just a text message from him. You moan at him about the bills and about whether he picked his kids up from school or not, where I would be terrified of telling him his jokes are corny in case he were to ever take it the wrong way. If I had your role in his life I would do anything for him. I would make him feel like the only man in the world. You make him feel like you want any other man but him.

 

In perspective, I understand that you are his wife. And I understand that I have never heard your side of the story, and that if I ever did it would be a very different version to the one I have heard from him. In perspective, I am only 24 and you are in your 30s. You know more about life than me. You know more about him than I do. You have shared more with him than I have and I wouldnt want to change that. I do not know you and I have never spoken to you. You know about me and I know you hate me.

 

Let me tell you who I am. I am not someone who went out to get you and ruin you. I am not someone who is beautiful and wicked and wants to ensnare men for my entertainment. I am a uni graduate who has been in london for a year and I set out to the city to try and make my life work. I hate my tummy and I hate my legs. I think that my forehead is too large. I dont use fake tan and I dont have fake hair. I hate exercise and I love shopping. I love reading books. I love animals. I love talking to people. I was very unhappy until I met your husband out of the blue and I clicked with him like I have never done with anyone else. He brought me back to life after a very long time of feeling lost and shut down. Im my old self again because of him. I have never slept with him and I have only kissed him once. I feed off his attention. I need it. always thought girls who went after other peoples husbands were pretty screwed up. I could go on but there is no point, you wouldn't listen.

 

I said goodbye to him on Saturday because he is going to try to commit to your marriage and work out his feelings for you. He is unhappy but he has to try because it would not make sense to throw away everything he has with you for something he has had with me for a few months. I cried and cried like a loser. I dont imagine you crying, I imagine you determined and powerful with a strong look of determination on your face. Since then my phone has been silent and it is killing me. I know it is better if it stays that way. I will move on and meet someone else in time. And if he reappeared after a few months then im sure eventually I would end up getting hurt again. But I do wonder about you. I wonder what your kitchen looks like. I wonder what handbag you use. I wonder what scent you wear. I wonder what it must be like to be that person who has him so freely.

 

Thank you for reading this. Your responses to peoples messages have been very enlightening. x