NC or friends maybe?

[barese1]

yeah man! well good things come to those who wait.. well, i wouldnt say you meant **** to her, i think for her she just viewed it differently, like she enjoyed it clearly, but for her it was just fun, girls can do that, much like you can go out for the day ride a motor bike, absolutely love it! then when you get home you can put it in the garage and go do something else and not think about the day riding the bike, she can do that. ride you for the day/week etc then once shes off you.... thats right. tumble weed.

 

yeah im past that man. totally. i replied to her, but not heard back yet. i know i waited a week to reply but i was on the fence. taking my time. and anyway there realistically isnt anything thats going to happen now if ever so shouldnt be a problem. course i hope she replies, but same time its going to hurt knowing what shes up to unless shes coming back. and the chance of that... well. not much.

 

its not ridiculous that you still want to sleep with her, she was good in bed, why wouldn't you want that! but you know her deeper than that, and that she just isnt good for you as a person.

 

yeah i got breadcrumbs but is that good for me? is any of this good for me specially after being told the things she has told me

 

Hey Dblock - That fiorst paragraph you wrote is spot on 100%. At teh time I was something, but more just a fwb and a good time rather than anything she invested feelings into. That is clear now, it wasn't at the time. Just difficult when you know you really have strong feelings for someone, believe they may have them too, then realise that they never did.

 

I'd say if she really isn't going to come back to you then just don't bother replying to her when she contacts you. She knows how you feel and if she isn't after the same then you need her gone for now. If you get to a point of no emotional attachment then call her. I guess thats my aim now. I will never call her until I couldn't care anymore. This may never happen, or it may happen and I won't want to call her - either way I guess I win.

 

She was absolutely amazing in bed, the way she looked, things she said and did and it really does make it that much harder to dettach from. If she wasn't like taht in bed maybe I wouldn't be so clouded by what an amazing girl I thought/think she is. I think sleeping with someone else really could help, or it might make me feel weird, there really is only one way to find out.

 

Breadcrumbs aren't good I guess. My old ex used to send me breadcrumbs and I would read into them so much that it drove me crazy. You're not a sparrow so you don't need breadcrumbs!

[barese1]

Barese1....I cant tell you how much your posts perk me up

 

You really sound like you are doing great. Good news about the girl too. It might not go anywhere, or it might, the good part is that you're getting out there, meeting new ppl etc. Fantastic!

We are all going to have bad days for a while, but those bad days will become less and less I am sure, until you realise "actually I havent had a bad day at all this week"....I am looking forward to it

 

I feel like I am ready to start dating again, but I dont really meet too many guys. People say I can come across as cold (how dare they ha) so I think I need to work on that a bit more, get myself out there.

 

I am finding NC really hard at the moment, but I know it's for the best. I remember reading your posts and how hard you found NC, but you have made it and I doubt you will look back now so I am definitely not going to cave.

 

 

Tally

Well done ol' chum, keep us updated

 

Tally - Ha my posts perk you up? I'm glad but they feel rather depressing when I write them down, which is strange coz I am actually rather happy, funny bloke in real life but on this thread its all my worries and crazy!

 

Yeah the girl is lovely, she really is. I feel I'm trying to tell myself that but its true. She isn't a blonde, fake tan, make up and short skirt kind of girl like the ex which is good coz I can see the stark contrast bewteen the two and it makes me like this new one for what she is, without comparing to the ex. I'm taking it one day at a time with her, who knows what'll happen but for now its nice to have some interest. Seeing her weds which I am looking forward to!

 

Its just frustrating, had a pretty good week feeling wise last week, but the weekend and today I feel crappy. Woke up thinking about the ex again, that stopped happening last week. Ups and downs, peaks and troffs I guess. It is a sign of better days to come but its hard to see that when you fall back down.

 

NC is hard, realllly hard but the truth to why I maintained it when a lot of people don't is for a few reasons. 1) No new info = no new pain. As much as I've been hurting, its the same things going through my head. I don't need to hear more things to worry about. 2)I know she never wanted to get back with me. Therefore any contact would have lead to just breadccrumbs, being ignored or her telling me how great everything is in her life - why would I want any of that!

 

Don't get me wrong, nearly 3 months and I still want to call her but it is easier and I don't feel that way every minute of the day like I did at the start. Just now and then. friends, good friends, really help and this forum!

[Dblock10]

Hey Dblock - That fiorst paragraph you wrote is spot on 100%. At teh time I was something, but more just a fwb and a good time rather than anything she invested feelings into. That is clear now, it wasn't at the time. Just difficult when you know you really have strong feelings for someone, believe they may have them too, then realise that they never did.

 

I'd say if she really isn't going to come back to you then just don't bother replying to her when she contacts you. She knows how you feel and if she isn't after the same then you need her gone for now. If you get to a point of no emotional attachment then call her. I guess thats my aim now. I will never call her until I couldn't care anymore. This may never happen, or it may happen and I won't want to call her - either way I guess I win.

 

She was absolutely amazing in bed, the way she looked, things she said and did and it really does make it that much harder to dettach from. If she wasn't like taht in bed maybe I wouldn't be so clouded by what an amazing girl I thought/think she is. I think sleeping with someone else really could help, or it might make me feel weird, there really is only one way to find out.

 

Breadcrumbs aren't good I guess. My old ex used to send me breadcrumbs and I would read into them so much that it drove me crazy. You're not a sparrow so you don't need breadcrumbs!

 

yeah barese1, well this is true. she replied to me today actually just listing the things she's up to, drinking working activities etc.

 

i dont know what i'm doing or how i'm going to get out or progress with this :S

 

i feel like my life is so boring in comparison since i'm at home and have uni work to be doing. how did you deal with your old ex?

[barese1]

Mate its tough, I'm currently sat at home writing up my dissertation and know shes out having fun and on holiday (funny even with NC sometimes info trickles back even when you don't want to know).

 

I would have to say you should let her know you need to go NC, it clearly isn't helping ya mate. Then try to understand it isn't a competition to who's having more fun than the other.

 

To be honest I feel like my life is stagnating but I've done more in the last few weeks than I did when I was with my ex. To begin with its a bit like a competition but now its for me. She won't hear about all these things I've been doing but I'm starting to not care.

 

With the last ex I just made out that I was doing exciting things all the time and having a great time. It wasn't true and again it was me playing games but I think its just human nature. No one wants to come across as a sad person sat at home crying all day.

 

Truth is it don't matter what they're doing. Just live your life for you and eventually you will start appreciating things. Life will feel boring right now coz we're in pain but it is all about pulling your thumb out and getting involved in random things. Even if you don't feel like it just do something random, helps if you have single friends who want to do things too

[Dblock10]

Mate its tough, I'm currently sat at home writing up my dissertation and know shes out having fun and on holiday (funny even with NC sometimes info trickles back even when you don't want to know).

 

I would have to say you should let her know you need to go NC, it clearly isn't helping ya mate. Then try to understand it isn't a competition to who's having more fun than the other.

 

To be honest I feel like my life is stagnating but I've done more in the last few weeks than I did when I was with my ex. To begin with its a bit like a competition but now its for me. She won't hear about all these things I've been doing but I'm starting to not care.

 

With the last ex I just made out that I was doing exciting things all the time and having a great time. It wasn't true and again it was me playing games but I think its just human nature. No one wants to come across as a sad person sat at home crying all day.

 

Truth is it don't matter what they're doing. Just live your life for you and eventually you will start appreciating things. Life will feel boring right now coz we're in pain but it is all about pulling your thumb out and getting involved in random things. Even if you don't feel like it just do something random, helps if you have single friends who want to do things too

 

yeah same! i appear to be at same position as you. You right though its not a competition, although it sure feels like i'm losing right now. don't think you realise how small my home town is and how boring it is, hence my desire to get out! literally cannot wait for uni again.

 

i would do that but it would make me feel weak and i dont want to be the guy that cant handle it.

 

yeah im not going to play games and lie to make it sound like my life is amazing as that will only be shooting myself in the foot. i know things will pick up eventually and i'll get involved with uni clubs again. looking forward to that.

 

how can one give up on someone... its tough

[barese1]

Well I guess you just need to be patient and llok forward to uni starting again, but if try and get involved in things...anythings.

 

Not feeling great today. Went out last night saw a gorgeous blonde and it reminded me of her. Just reminded me how stunning she was. Its a stupid thing to get worked up over but it really hit me last night.

 

Woke up late today and just feel anxious and miss her. Will I ever get over this??!?!

[barese1]

I'm SICK of missing her. I cannot allow to have this much space in my miond especially when I am not in hers at all.

 

I WILL get over this, giving myself a slap round the face!

[soccerrprp]

I am going through the whole friend of end it scenario now...

 

My gf and i broke up in very good terms. Just not the right time (i guess, not too certain what happened). We had NC for close to 2-months and while on vacation, she texts me out of the blue to ask if I was back. She now wants to go on a hike...

 

Mind you, we separated on good terms and agreed to continue our relationship as "friends." I was not entirely okay with that, but mature enough to know that it could work if we both wanted it. Apparently we do...then again, I am fine and have moved on, but now wondering if she has other ideas. If so, that's a whole other can of worms that i will need to deal with...

[barese1]

That actually sounds like an ideal situation soccerrpp, you're over her and able to be friends and she contacts you. If you don't want more then friends just tell her, but it sounds like you are in the perfect place right now.

 

That is nothing like my situation, I'm still trying to get over her, she never EVER rang. Probably what hurts the most even now.

 

I still cannot stop thinking about her and had another dream about her last night. Its just missing her body and her looks now, so is that a sign I'm getting there?

 

I'm seeing this new girl last night, and I never think about the ex when I'm with her and I hope that happens today coz I'm missing the ex a lot today.

 

Think 4 months BU nearly 3 months NC still have very tough times, anyone have any advice of how to act at this stage?

[barese1]

God dam its a hard day. Not struggling with deep deep heart break like I was a while ago but the same thoughts keep going through my head.

 

Why did she never ever contact me after the break up?

 

I miss holding her and feel physically sick with her being with another man!

 

Answer to question 1, coz she didn't care. Statement 2, I just need to ignore. Arrrghh why is it so hard!!!!!???

[Tally123]

Barese1....I am sorry you are feeling down, but you seiously need to take a step back and try and move on from this girl. of cours its not easy, getting over someone is the hardest thing in the world, but we have all done it (you included). When I think back to two of my exes that I was madly in love with and how upset I was when we broke up. When i split with one I literally felt that I didnt want to go on anymore - now? I couldnt care less about him. I mean he's a friend but I do not have any feelings whatsoever for him like that. We laugh about it now as we often give each other advice on our love lifes.....

No one likes rejection - no human being likes the thought that someone they care so much for doesnt want them (its proper s**t), but unfortunately that's life.

You will make it, in a year or so you will look back and think "god why did I feel like that about her" - trust me you will.

Its good that you are seeing this new girl and when you are with her you dont think of the ex. That shows that she doesnt take up your whole thinking time and that you are open to having feelings for someone else. Enjoy it and see where it goes.

I know emotions can be all over the place, mine are every couple of mins. One minute i think "oh pull yourself together, its only him" and I feel ok. Two minutes later a wave of dread comes over me, but these will pass in time.

 

Someone close to me is very ill at the moment and its making me realise how short life is.....Chin up Barese!!!

Tally

[soccerrprp]

Barese1,

 

Keep on truckin'. Find another friend, keep yourself busy, improve, do things you haven't had the time or made excusing not doing and concentrate on the things that you can control.

 

Hey, I told you that in an earlier post that I had moved on, well, I found someone else who is in many ways what my ex wasn't. That's not to say that my ex wasn't and isn't a wonderful lady, she is. But be careful that if you do find another friend that you are open to redeveloping a fresh, new relationship with her and not as a rebound or place holder until you think that your ex will come back...you see, I am working on my current relationship, circumstances, the things that I can control today.

[Matt145]

I wish my ex never contacted me after we split up! You think its a bad thing but trust me mate its the best thing what could of happend to you. Ive had all sorts of calls and texts and it just plays with your brain and stops you from moving on sooner! Ive even had her call me yesterday and she asked me if i wanted to go to her house, it was for sex I said no but it was hard ive got an open invitation to go to her house till the end of summer and have sex with her everyday. Imagine if your ex called you out of the blue and told you that and told you she misses sex with you and she wants you to **** her, by the sounds of it shes attractive, and my ex is very attractive too shes got everything shes got a perfect body and face it makes me:sick: thinking about what im missing out on. Count yourself very lucky you didnt get breadcrumbs like most of us did. Your doing great by the way i dont think it will be much longer till you will forget about her. Lets hope anyway;)

[barese1]

Tally123 - I really am trying to get over her. There's no intention to try and 'win her back' christ she was never mine in the first place. Ha the first time I was heartbroken I remember thinking 'she was the one' - when I look back now that was crazy talk, so yes I know I can move on, its just not happening yet. I thought this one was different, I'd never felt that into someone before I guess.

 

I guess I hoped that I could get to a place where we could be friends one day, but not sure if that'll ever happen, but then again so what if it doesn't. Sorry to hear about the illness. To be honest a few family members are really not well at the minute which should put things into perspective but it doesn't at the moment although I think I'm slowly getting there.

 

soccerprp - I have been trying to concentrate on me. Working out, studying, doing loads of activities etc. I guess I just need to keep at it.

 

The current girl is nice, and its not simply a rebound thing, I'm single. She's single. Why not spend time together, I'm not comparing or thinking about the ex when I'm with her (only momentarily). I'm not expecting it to go anywhere seriously though...partly because I don't want to give my heart away and partly because she's nice but not quite what I want long term.

 

Matt145 - I guess we will always want the opposite. Never hearing from the ex, and finding out she had moved on completely, was devastating for me. Made me feel I never mattered one ounce at all, but then maybe it has helped me move on. I guess I'll never know but I know it meant there was no new pain to deal with.

 

Mad respect to you for not going round just for sex. If my ex did suggest that I probably would have been round in a shot. Like I say the physical thing, her beauty, is the only thing I'm still struggling with now. Not so much the what ifs and whys of what happened. Again fair play to you, that takes great strength and thanks for the post

 

General update - so I'm ill this weekend, have tonsillitis with a temperature. I was worried that it would mean that I would just get down. I mean the weekend is hard enough for me anyway and I'm ill with no one around but I'm not too bad.

 

I went to the therapist today, it didn't really help. She seems to think I'm doing better than I think. I'm not. I'm not as bad as I was granted but I still miss this girl very much. I think she sees I'm doing all I can though.

 

I had sex with the new girl on Wednesday! It was great! Did think about the ex for a few seconds at one point, but there was no guilt or I wish it was her afterwards. This sounds stupid but can any men relate? I gave the performance of my life, couple of hours every which way etc. It made me wonder that I didn't manage that standard with the ex. Probably a mixture of anxiety over what was happening with us and the fact I felt out of my league sleeping with someone so attractive. My good performance made me angry that the ex never experienced that, or maybe she did and I can't remember. Has anyone ever felt like that, any advice?

 

I watched 500 days of Summer all the way though today. if you read my early posts you'll understand the importance. O my god. Its like they filmed my life at that time, its scary how close it is. Made me think the ex is a bitch, and just not right for me no matter how much I care about her. Was a great film, highly recommended.

 

Nowwwwww. Here's a problem. Next Friday a mutual friend is having a house warming party. The ex will be there, guaranteed. I will have not spoken to her for 3 months by then. Should I go? You all know my story over the last few months. I'm not over her but I'm getting there, slowly. If I went I'd keep my dignity and act like everything was just dandy. But do you think it will set me back, please give me honest and plentiful responses as I'm not sure what I am going to do!

 

Thanks guys

 

Much love

[ellllllarose]

sounds like 500 days of summer.

[barese1]

Nowwwwww. Here's a problem. Next Friday a mutual friend is having a house warming party. The ex will be there, guaranteed. I will have not spoken to her for 3 months by then. Should I go? You all know my story over the last few months. I'm not over her but I'm getting there, slowly. If I went I'd keep my dignity and act like everything was just dandy. But do you think it will set me back, please give me honest and plentiful responses as I'm not sure what I am going to do!

 

Much love

 

Hi Guys, anyone got any advice on this, I'm really not sure what to do!

[barese1]

Still hoping for responses...

 

I look the best I ever have, tanned, better fashion sense, lost weight.

 

I know she won't want to get back with me but would be nice just to see her somewhere and sort of show that I'm looking good and doing well.

 

I know it sounds a bit petty but I do want to see her. I have no expectations. Any advice, input would be appreciated.

 

I will bump into her one day so perhaps its for the best if I make it happen and am prepared for it?

[Dblock10]

Still hoping for responses...

 

I look the best I ever have, tanned, better fashion sense, lost weight.

 

I know she won't want to get back with me but would be nice just to see her somewhere and sort of show that I'm looking good and doing well.

 

I know it sounds a bit petty but I do want to see her. I have no expectations. Any advice, input would be appreciated.

 

I will bump into her one day so perhaps its for the best if I make it happen and am prepared for it?

 

hey man, feel free to pm me when ever.

 

but yeah read your dilemma you seem to be having, and if it were me, i would go.

 

would look worse to avoid it than to go. you know your looking good etc. just be prepared that she will be looking smoking to.

 

i think it would be a good thing, you two might talk it all over and laugh it off or have a little heart to heart and then after you will prob feel totally indifferent.

 

so i say go.

[barese1]

Thanks Dblock. To be honest you're the first person to tell me I should go.

 

I have a valid reason not to go, so it wouldn't llok like I'm running away from her. Not sure what to do, she will look amazing, she always did.

 

Haven't chatted to her in 3 months and she still is on my mind a lot, so I'm thinking maybe I shouldn't go. I really want to see her but what good will it do?!? Shes not going to turn around and say wow I miss you, shes over me. OVER ME. Therefore maybe it will do nothing but bring me pain.

 

I guess I know in my head I shouldn't go but in my heart I really want to. I'm really not sure. I don't think we would talk things over at all. It would either be awkward or we would just small talk. I would not bring up US at party especially knowing she never saw anything real in the relationship.

 

Aaaaaarghh I just want to be over this dam girl!!!

[Stanza]

Looking hot and better than ever is best thing you can do for the party. Go with some conversation ideas for either people you know/don't know / and her if needed because then you won't get caught out if your emotions get ahead of you

 

I think you'll do fine and agree going is better than not as sends a signal that you're strong etc, and she will NOTICE absolutely that you look good. She will watch you, over you or not in her mind, she's going to watch you.

 

Be strong there. My experience is that later there's fall out - when you get home - where you suddenly thing about them and you may then have a lot of emotions get to you, just come on here if you do rather than text her.

 

Give us an update on how it goes.

[Stanza]

(duplicate deleted)

[Dblock10]

Thanks Dblock. To be honest you're the first person to tell me I should go.

 

I have a valid reason not to go, so it wouldn't llok like I'm running away from her. Not sure what to do, she will look amazing, she always did.

 

Haven't chatted to her in 3 months and she still is on my mind a lot, so I'm thinking maybe I shouldn't go. I really want to see her but what good will it do?!? Shes not going to turn around and say wow I miss you, shes over me. OVER ME. Therefore maybe it will do nothing but bring me pain.

 

I guess I know in my head I shouldn't go but in my heart I really want to. I'm really not sure. I don't think we would talk things over at all. It would either be awkward or we would just small talk. I would not bring up US at party especially knowing she never saw anything real in the relationship.

 

Aaaaaarghh I just want to be over this dam girl!!!

 

thats ok bud!

 

well of course if you have a valid reason and you really dont want to go, then thats fine! also you dont know 100% she is even going...but lets asume for argument sake she is 100% going to be there and 100% looking fit.

 

i think you need to remember you are a grown man late 20's your not a teenager anymore you cant let a 'girl' crush you like this..

 

what makes you really want to see her?

 

thats the point, you dont know what good it will do you unless you go, you could sit around and think about it all day but you wont know. yeah she is over you but seeing you again might spark something, she isnt a robot with 0 emotions. she does have a conscious. only thing is it ended on slightly bad water didnt it, because of that fb thing?

 

sure she might not have ever been into you as much as you were with her, but she would have had some emotional connection to you. she might be equally as happy to see you and enjoy chatting, even if its small talk, who knows? no one knows what would happen. i thought my ex was totally over me to once she had been travelling the world, needless to say she was frilled to see me, really happy, had missed me, and we slept together. she left again now, which isnt the point, but life is short, make the most of it you know?

 

worst case scenario she turns up with a new guy, well you would be looking fly anyway and you could chat up some other lovely ladies there. just be your confident self and she will on some level be envious how well your doing.

 

end of the day i know how scary it is to see someone again that you have or had feelings for, the feelings do come back, and they probably will, but at least it shows you have a heart and are actually a minority amongst lots of guys who use and abuse women. any girl would be happy to have you!

 

totally up to you, but i think you have bigged this up in your head long enough and you need to remember she is just one girl

[Stanza]

totally agree with Dblock

[barese1]

Thanks for the replies guys. I'm getting mixed advice from firends about this. Clearly I'm not over her as I keep posting here etc. but am slowly getting that way.

 

I do know now 100% she is going, my friend warned me this morning. She will indeed 110% be looking fit, she always did.

 

I agree I can't let a girl crush me like this, but at the same time need to accept taht I am feeling this way too, not just ignore it.

 

Stanza, its the fallout that worries me really. I don't want to go back to day one, which may happen. But I may see her and not care as much (I doubt this though).

 

She will not, I repeat not feel a spark. I know this girl and I know she was never really taht into me at all. It actually ended well but yeah the fb thing turned it a bit sour. I can imagine she would be uncomfortable until she saw that I wasn't that bothered. Obviously I am but wouldn't show it.

 

I know I should make the most of things but lets be honest here. She will not turn round and want to start spending time with me. She will feel a little awkward around me as she knows I care (I think).

 

She is just one girl, but a girl that hit me in the heart like a bullet. I still don't know what to do. I guess I want to go to see her, but just don't want to make my recovery any worse than it is. Guys will be there that don't know us and will be flirting with her, I'm not sure how I will take that. I don't know what to do!!!!

[Stanza]

The fallout will pass though, and I don't think you'll go back to square 1. you might have a bit to deal with but after all of the processing you'll know you moved a step forward by being strong enough to go there and see what happened around the both of you.

 

if you want to go, you should go, regardless of whomever else is there. Maybe that's the bottom line? If you're only going to see how it is with her, that's not a reason to go.