NC or friends maybe?

[gullibleme]

When I originally read you were contemplating going to the housewarming party in the beginning I wondered how it would be for you.

 

Remember I chose to miss my class reunion because of him being there with a girl....my decision not to go was exactly what you are explaining now, I was afraid of going backwards with all the healing i've done so far.

 

At first I was thinking, maybe I should have went he seems to be doing ok with it all, hate to say it but I'm glad for my decision now..I needed to protect ME!! He wanted to be friendly after the breakup in the beginning to but made no effort either....ex's just want the ego burst and not feel hated for their actions thats all it is and I see that now.

 

His biggest fear after breaking up was me hating him....I distinctly remember him saying don't hate me please! I said I can only try...right now isn't the time to ask me that. He got pretty angry when I said that...lol.

 

Anyway after him sending me occasional texts bi-weekly with stupid stuff but never answering after I replied like she is doing to you I finally said "Look...I feel a lot of hate/resenment towards you right now and I need to get over it...STOP TEXTING ME!!" Thats what worked for me to get him to stop...I got the last word and put a little sting/revenge if you want to say..but I feel better for it. I really don't care what he thinks and if I see him in the future unexpectedly then I will deal with it...but if I know he will be somewhere I plan on going I won't go!!! I hope you feel better and thinking of the person negatively is the only way I could heal. Good luck!

[barese1]

When I originally read you were contemplating going to the housewarming party in the beginning I wondered how it would be for you.

 

Remember I chose to miss my class reunion because of him being there with a girl....my decision not to go was exactly what you are explaining now, I was afraid of going backwards with all the healing i've done so far.

 

At first I was thinking, maybe I should have went he seems to be doing ok with it all, hate to say it but I'm glad for my decision now..I needed to protect ME!! He wanted to be friendly after the breakup in the beginning to but made no effort either....ex's just want the ego burst and not feel hated for their actions thats all it is and I see that now.

 

His biggest fear after breaking up was me hating him....I distinctly remember him saying don't hate me please! I said I can only try...right now isn't the time to ask me that. He got pretty angry when I said that...lol.

 

Anyway after him sending me occasional texts bi-weekly with stupid stuff but never answering after I replied like she is doing to you I finally said "Look...I feel a lot of hate/resenment towards you right now and I need to get over it...STOP TEXTING ME!!" Thats what worked for me to get him to stop...I got the last word and put a little sting/revenge if you want to say..but I feel better for it. I really don't care what he thinks and if I see him in the future unexpectedly then I will deal with it...but if I know he will be somewhere I plan on going I won't go!!! I hope you feel better and thinking of the person negatively is the only way I could heal. Good luck!

 

I agree that refraining from going somewhere where you know they'll be is generally the right thing to do. And yes I know I've had my wobbly moments since going to the party but honestly it has put the ex in a whole new light. When you go NC you tend to build this perfect image of them. This is easier to do if you never argued, never got annoyed at any of their habits etc.

 

No matter what happens now, I can safely say going to that party was the right decision. This doesn't mean I will continue to make always correct decisions but that was.

 

I agree exs just don't want to be hated and a lot of the time they deserve to be hated. My ex was insensitive to my feelings inj that she knew I was getting attached but she never was mean or callous to me. This made it very difficult to hate her, and I can't really force myself to hate her.

 

In your case you have anger for him. This would probably make it easier to move on. I have some mild anger towards my ex but nothing that I can hold on to. It would be easier if they show what absolute pieces of crap they are, when they don't it makes it hard to let go...

[gullibleme]

I agree it isn't a good thing to feel resentment or hate and I really don't have hate per say but I had to have those negative thought to move on for myself. We also never argued and I had this perfect image of him in my head. He was never mean to me that's why it is so difficult. He told me he hoped this all wouldn't come back to bite him in the A** down the road but he needed to do it for him! He was married for 20+ yrs and recently divorced. His reasoning he never had a single life and wanted to experience it.

 

I was a rebound and I accept that, we dated briefly in high school so I knew him a little bit...

 

I think that's why so many of us struggle on here.. most are not absolute pieces of crap and we need to find our own way of moving on..feeling resentment for what they have done helps...It doesn't mean forever just for the time being to move forward and not sulk. I think in the future when I am indifferent towards him we will be friends again ...just not now.

[barese1]

At the same time its better to feel hate than to still love the person. I think I am now finally transitioning. I still have feelings and care very much for my ex but am starting to see her as any other girl rather than this idealised angel I used to think she was until I broke NC.

 

Its hard really. I used to believe that full NC and trying to hate them was the best thing. I still believe that to an extent but I would have been pining for her more if I had maintained that. Its hard when they aren't really an a^sehole

[Tally123]

I suppose its the whole thing of what your imaginatio can do. Someone's imagination is a powerful thing and alot of people run the risk of letting their minds run wild and imagine their ex's to be gods. When in fact they're not, never were. I think that is when its a good thing like you say barese when you do finally see them because its not just your imagination anymore, its reality!

 

I hope you continue to keep us updated to how you are getting on.

 

Its weird that she asked you to work together? What context was that in? Funny how things turn out hey!

 

Tally

[Dblock10]

i to am finding the ex thing quite hard, just don't know if i should stay in touch with her or not. she has asked how i am doing and where about am i currently working but i have not replied. that was about 20 days ago now. since then nothing more from her.

 

she told me when we met she still has feelings yet moved country then told me how it had been over a year when i mentioned that i didn't understand how she could up and leave, leave behind what ever i meant to her. and she is happy being single plus isnt looking, adding even if she was she is in another country.

 

i think ill always be attracted to her but i have realised i had fallen for someone that she wasn't, i had idolised an idea of what i wanted her to be but she just wasn't that. some one on here said that someones behaviour in the past is usually a good indicator of how they will be in the future. so like you bar, my ex was super nice to my face, but more so as she even said she too had feelings for me still and missed me, yet all of the above..

 

im so hurt by all this tbh and i know when you go into nc it can become harder but i also know what good is staying in touch when you cant be with someone or that someone clearly doesnt want to be with you

Edited September 2, 2012 by Dblock10

[barese1]

i to am finding the ex thing quite hard, just don't know if i should stay in touch with her or not. she has asked how i am doing and where about am i currently working but i have not replied. that was about 20 days ago now. since then nothing more from her.

 

she told me when we met she still has feelings yet moved country then told me how it had been over a year when i mentioned that i didn't understand how she could up and leave, leave behind what ever i meant to her. and she is happy being single plus isnt looking, adding even if she was she is in another country.

 

i think ill always be attracted to her but i have realised i had fallen for someone that she wasn't, i had idolised an idea of what i wanted her to be but she just wasn't that. some one on here said that someones behaviour in the past is usually a good indicator of how they will be in the future. so like you bar, my ex was super nice to my face, but more so as she even said she too had feelings for me still and missed me, yet all of the above..

 

im so hurt by all this tbh and i know when you go into nc it can become harder but i also know what good is staying in touch when you cant be with someone or that someone clearly doesnt want to be with you

 

Its a hard one isn't it. I advocate NC early on but then breaking it can give you that kick you need. Problem is though then you open lines of communication and can't really go back to NC in an easy way.

 

Agreed. I am still attracted to my ex but see she is just another girl now not some super angel. My ex has been friendly to my face but thats just her nature, and I've tried to not read anything into that. I know that she is ina place where she barely remembers that we were intimate. I'm like that with some of my exs and it only really hit me today that she is in that place.

 

I guess you can only be in touch when you don't want them back. That said I know I don't want my ex back and I also know that I am not head over heels in love with her like I was not so long ago, but I am still attracted to her and wouldn't want to hear details about any new men so not sure whther I should stay away for ever or just be a casual buddy.

 

I don't want to risk my feelings growing for her, but I don't want to not speak to her and get this idealised image again!

[barese1]

I suppose its the whole thing of what your imaginatio can do. Someone's imagination is a powerful thing and alot of people run the risk of letting their minds run wild and imagine their ex's to be gods. When in fact they're not, never were. I think that is when its a good thing like you say barese when you do finally see them because its not just your imagination anymore, its reality!

 

I hope you continue to keep us updated to how you are getting on.

 

Its weird that she asked you to work together? What context was that in? Funny how things turn out hey!

 

Tally

 

If you see my last post I sort of mention that. In my head this girl was flawless. Now when I see her, I still see her beauty and good nature but at the same time see things that I'm not crazy about like I once was. I tried to act like she was dead but seeing her and remembering she was real - with flaws - was a better option.

 

She text me today asking about meeting up to do our dissertation together as we hand it in in 2 weeks. That kind of work. Its strange as I said I don't want her back and know that she has fully moved on since we were together and that's where I want to be.

 

To be honest i knew it would go this way eventually. I had a feeling we would never be strangers, but i also know we will never be close too. Just buddies like the rest of the girls on the course. Maybe I should stay away or maybe I shouldn't.

 

Either way I am not pursuing her or in need of talking about 'us' at all. I got my closure, and that came from me not her. I haven't really spent more than 5 minutes chatting to her since we broke up so if I do see her tomorrow who knows how I'll feel.

 

I know that I like the new girl and she really is a good one. I just hope I don't do the same thing that my ex did to me. I feel like the last few girls I gave my everything. Was romantic and caring all the time. I haven't been like that with the current girl. Not out of choice but I think I'm subconciously worried about giving my heart away again. This is pretty ****ty for the new girl its not like I'm deciding to be like this.

[barese1]

So you want to REWARD your Ex for dumping you by being her "temporary" friend and give her everything she wants?

 

At some point, you two will stop communicating. Either a BF / husband or one of your GF / wife is going to have a problem with it and one or both of you will stop.

 

Being "friends" with Exes sounds good on paper. When you are young, sure I guess it is more common but when you get older and time, you won't be "friends" with your Ex. It's only a matter of time before you two dift apart for a whole host of reasons.

 

Think about it...

 

Do your parents still have a relationship with their Exes? Do they remain in contact? Hang out? Talk? Text? FB? Email? Etc?

 

Would you be okay if your wife was in contact, texting, emailing, talking, fakebooking or meeting with their Exes?

 

I highly doubt it and I doubt your future wife would be comfortable with you doing it either.

 

How many my BF / GF dumped me to get back with their Ex stories do you see on here?

 

In fact, your Ex went back to the guy she was "hooking up" with before you entered the picture.

 

 

 

Nobody wants to be your everything.

 

 

 

No surprise there.

 

Unfortunately, healthy people and people who can be alone are in short supply these days.

 

You didn't mind being a rebound with your Ex (you dated her when she came right out of a 6 year relationship) and now you are rebounding with the new girl. People who aren't healthy and can't be alone... Do this.

 

I suspect you, your Ex and the new girl will be the type of people who jump from person to person (with some "overlapping" too) and avoid at all cost being alone.

 

Personally, I would like to see you take a time out from women, dating, relationships, sex and fall in love with yourself. Stop needing / requiring validation and approval from the opposite sex. Stop looking for someone to make you happy and be your everything. Get comfortable in your own skin.

 

Hey Gibson. Thanks for your no nonsense reply, I do appreciate posts like that.

 

I see what you're saying about rewarding her for dumping me. I get that entirely and that is probably the sort of thing I'd say to a friend if they were in the same position. The truth is, being friendly has made me feel better than NC. Not because i think it would ever lead to anything, in fact I don't know why. I'm not after reassurance that she still has feelings, or wants me physically or anything like that which I was when I started NC.

 

Thats the truth and I know it. One day we will stop communicating altogther. Its life. We will drift apart simply for the fact that as exs I don't believe we could ever be true friends, just friendly. I tell my friends absolutely everything, and I wouldn't want to share everything with this girl. I am aware that we will lead lives without saying one word to each other, most likely in the near future but as I said this situation sits better with me then being total strangers right now.

 

At the same time though, my exs who were quite some time in the past, although we aren't friends we still do catch up now and then. Current GF/BFs haven't minded becuase its one of those things in the past, and our relationships weren't that intense, i.e. just seeing each other for months usually.

 

Honestly? When I'm in a relationship and I hear the ex is still on the scene, and friendly it has never bothered me. This has happened with my last two exs and not once did it raise any concern with me. Thats just me though. I'm trusting and so far have never had any reason to doubt that. Likewise any girl that I've seen has been comfortable with my relationships to my exs, if it was ever an issue I'd cross that bridge when it came.

 

My ex never went back to someone she was hooking up with before me, not sure where you read that. I am sure she started getting it on with someone after we split, but thats her business. I don't think I was pushed aside for someone else, but I'll never know.

 

Also I didn't say nobody wants to be my everything. what I meant (and I wrote it rather badly) is that I have given my everything to girls in the past, and now I feel like I don't want to do that anymore. I have spent the majority of my life being single and I don't crave relationships. True the ex was straight out of a relationship and I was a rebound. I was blind to this and thought she was moved on but it is clear now that I was a comfort to her, thats all. My mistake. A red flag which I will now be aware of if a similar situation comes along.

 

My ex will probably jump from person to person. The new girl does not. She has been single for quite a long time. Likewise I don't jump from one to another. I was single and emt the current girl who I liked. Things progressed from there. Yes a part of it was to let go of the ex, but most of it was because the new girl is actually really nice and worth my time. Who knows if it'll go anywhere serious or not. I'm just happy to let it run its course without any expectations. Again something I learned from my last exs.

 

Maybe I should have let myself be alone for some more time. But I didn't plan to get close to another girl soon. I wasn't actively seeking someone. She came along and I liked what I saw.

 

I know I'm defending myself here, but I'm just trying to explain it from my point of view. I agree with you that trying to be friends with the ex is a bad idea but I seem to just be going along with the flow. I hope it doesn't make things worse in the long run, but right now it feels right. Its not a means to try and reignite something but at the same time I don't know why I'm allowing her in my life.

 

Its something here that people struggle with. Yes I was dumped. Yes that means she didn't see me as someone to have a relationship with. Yes it hurt, a lot. But she didn't cheat on me or go crazy on me, in fact she was honest from day one. her only crime was knowing that I was faling for her and not having the decency to end it sooner. For this reason I ahven't had the hate/anger which others have which helps cement there's no point being friednly with the ex.

 

Anyway keep posting I like the no nonsense posts!

[Dblock10]

Its a hard one isn't it. I advocate NC early on but then breaking it can give you that kick you need. Problem is though then you open lines of communication and can't really go back to NC in an easy way.

 

Agreed. I am still attracted to my ex but see she is just another girl now not some super angel. My ex has been friendly to my face but thats just her nature, and I've tried to not read anything into that. I know that she is ina place where she barely remembers that we were intimate. I'm like that with some of my exs and it only really hit me today that she is in that place.

 

I guess you can only be in touch when you don't want them back. That said I know I don't want my ex back and I also know that I am not head over heels in love with her like I was not so long ago, but I am still attracted to her and wouldn't want to hear details about any new men so not sure whther I should stay away for ever or just be a casual buddy.

 

I don't want to risk my feelings growing for her, but I don't want to not speak to her and get this idealised image again!

 

 

well with me i stayed in contact first time she left, she never mentioned other guys and never uploaded a photo of her and a guy as her profile pic on fb. but she did sleep with a few whilst away, so this time i cant just be naively thinking oh that isn't happening, when it most probably is.

 

so yeah i don't know if i want to stay in touch or not. part of me wants to of course but then i also don't want to get hurt or keep myself attached and its clearly an unhealthy attachment, she is able to keep in light casual touch but for me i want more. and because of the feelings i have for her it makes it extremely difficult because i can't be with her and i don't know if we are even ever going to see one another again. after all she doesn't want to make plans with me, or to be with me in the future. so looks like all i can do is walk away

[barese1]

I feel ya Dblock. Same here, there's no mention of other blokes but we'd have to be pretty naive to think they aren't having sex (especially when I am!). I actually don't care about that but that might be a different story if I hear it out loud.

 

Same here, my ex can easily hold a casual relationship with me. I don't know if I'm fine with that or not yet only time will tell but whenever I see her or if she contacts me I am just never going to discuss 'us' or act like I want her back. I don't want her back and have no plans to try and chase her.

 

I wonder why I care about being in touch with her when I genuinely know 100% there is no way we'll ever be anything. I guess it comes down to the rejection thing. Being rejected as a boyfriend is one thing, but if we were friends before being rejected as a human makes me feel bad.

 

I can only wait and see how I feel after we've been LC for a while. I guess I'm not totally over her but I'm getting there. Seeing her before made me think she's not all that, I hope those kind of feelings continue and I don't fall for her again. Good luck me...and you mate

[barese1]

DON'T EVER BE A "BUTT"!

 

"BUTT" - A person with no self-respect, self-worth, boundaries, dignity, and someone who is not true to what they want, what they need, etc.

 

When someone says...

 

I like you, I have feelings for you, miss you "BUTT"...

 

WHATEVER is after the "BUTT" is immaterial and doesn't matter! (In the OP case, I want to be "friends")

 

If you chase, end up in a relationship or be "friends" with someone who thinks you are a "BUTT"... They will always treat you like one.

 

You get used, abused, tortured, manipulated and treated like something that comes out of a "BUTT"!

 

Why?

 

They just told you (and their actions will match) they think you are / have to be a "BUTT" to chase, be with them or be their "friend".

 

If you chase, pursue, agree to enter into a relationship or be a "friend" with someone who thinks you are a "BUTT", it's not under any sort of normal terms that is "healthy" or good for you. NO... There is never a happy ending for you either!

 

DON'T EVER BE A "BUTT"!

 

I read this and loved it - rather elequantly put!

 

I agree with what you say and not sure if I am a butt?! I never got all that miss you blah blah blah BUTT, it was always when you're ready to be friends I am too. To begin with I wanted more, now I don't so I was a butt now I am something else!

 

I was with the ex doing work today. She told me about her new guy, I told her about my new girl. No jealosuy at all from either side. Yes she looks great and I still like her as a person buttttt its just not the same. I don't care like I once did.

 

Still not 100% there but the fact that I heard about a new guy and it barely made me feel anything is clearly all good sh*t. No hope of reconcilation, no waiting to see if she will want me, no trying to impress her, no trying to out do each other. Things seem to be ok with the ex and I'd like to leave them as they are now. I had my break of NC, I'd rather only have LC than full on chats.

 

Look forward to you ripping this post apart Gibson

[barese1]

Well I've had time to digest today whilst being sat at work.

 

Don't feel great but again I think hearing about a new guy, and knowing I wasn't that important to her might actually help me.

 

I was sure she was with someone, and I was sure that she never had strong feelings for me. Now I've heard it from the horses mouth I can really accept these things as facts rather than just what I think is happening.

 

It does suck and it does hurt. I guess I do have some feelings for her but its more lust and that I fell for her when she never cared but getting it slapped in the face will hopefully be a good thing for me but will probably take a little while to process.

 

Definately not square one, but back a few steps although it might open up the right path for my next steps forward.

[Dblock10]

Well I've had time to digest today whilst being sat at work.

 

Don't feel great but again I think hearing about a new guy, and knowing I wasn't that important to her might actually help me.

 

I was sure she was with someone, and I was sure that she never had strong feelings for me. Now I've heard it from the horses mouth I can really accept these things as facts rather than just what I think is happening.

 

It does suck and it does hurt. I guess I do have some feelings for her but its more lust and that I fell for her when she never cared but getting it slapped in the face will hopefully be a good thing for me but will probably take a little while to process.

 

Definately not square one, but back a few steps although it might open up the right path for my next steps forward.

 

see bar this is what i'm thinking, breaking nc and asking her or looking on her fb info

 

are you going to stay in touch with her or not? I cant decide if i should stay in touch with mine, i know yours never truely had feelings for you and my ex im sure did have feelings for me, but ultimately kept me at arms length (from her heart) as she knew she had bigger plans, i.e going travelling and now living in a different country. . .

 

i know i would need to reach a stage of indifference toward her or how she feels about me, which is a messed up contradiction in itself, telling me she had feelings and missed me, then flying abroad and telling me she is happy being single and not looking and how its been over a year for us now..

 

but i do honestly feel like i have accepted "what is" a lot better recently, and its just life. sure i wish it could be different but its not, we have to live and learn

 

so yeah, im a little head whipped but understand she is just being friendly, do i just be friendly back? what if she is seeing someone new? maybe as you say that would be a good thing, on the other hand i am a jealous type guy and i dont like being replaced.. i know im a good guy and deserve someone nice. would it be better to stay lc and her tell me she is seeing someone else, or for me to completely ignore and not speak to her and then perhaps find out she has a new bf via a mutual friend...

Edited September 3, 2012 by Dblock10

[barese1]

Mate its a hard one. Everyone on here advocates strict NC and I get why. No contact = no new pain. Just the orginal pain you are dealing with and with time get past.

 

one thing I haven't done (ok once in a moment of weakness) is to look at her fb profile. IT WILL ONLY CAUSE PAIN. Everyone looks happy on facebook and little comments which are nothing will be blown out of proportion in your mind. Don't do that!

 

Like I said seeing the ex actually did make things easier but I'm starting to think that maybe being friendly isn't a great idea. Its clear she is completely moved on and as much as she thinks I am too I guess I'm not really. I wouldn't be posting here if I was. Same time it is actually better than feeling like I mean absolutely nothing to her. Knowing she's with someone is pretty rough but I assumed she would be by now and thought hearing it would kill me. It hasn't though but it's not the best thing to hear.

 

I honestly don't know if I'll stay in touch. Really I probably should have left things as they were after seeing her that one time. It made me feel good and there were no adverse consequences. Now that she feels I'm ready to hear everything and be friendly it may do more harm than good.

 

Agreed indifference is the point we both should reach first, and by that point we wouldn't care about contact or no contact. My ex clearly has reached that point. Don't forget I got to a point where I had begun to accept things but this curent contact is still hard. Some times I look at her and think, yeah we had a good time but I don't want you and other times I look at her and just want to hold her close.

 

I like to keep my dignity and not show I'm weak, hence why I am friendly back. It may be damaging but at the same time it makes me see how things really are. How she is happy with someone else, how she has moved on etc. that sh&t hurts but it does make the situation more real and something to deal with other than my imagination. I would have LC if you feel you can handle it. I'm clearly at a bit of a mid point. I should have probably waited longer but at the same time I don't know if its doing more harm than I would have expected.

 

Tough choice but as always you'll get support here.

[Dblock10]

Mate its a hard one. Everyone on here advocates strict NC and I get why. No contact = no new pain. Just the orginal pain you are dealing with and with time get past.

 

one thing I haven't done (ok once in a moment of weakness) is to look at her fb profile. IT WILL ONLY CAUSE PAIN. Everyone looks happy on facebook and little comments which are nothing will be blown out of proportion in your mind. Don't do that!

 

Like I said seeing the ex actually did make things easier but I'm starting to think that maybe being friendly isn't a great idea. Its clear she is completely moved on and as much as she thinks I am too I guess I'm not really. I wouldn't be posting here if I was. Same time it is actually better than feeling like I mean absolutely nothing to her. Knowing she's with someone is pretty rough but I assumed she would be by now and thought hearing it would kill me. It hasn't though but it's not the best thing to hear.

 

I honestly don't know if I'll stay in touch. Really I probably should have left things as they were after seeing her that one time. It made me feel good and there were no adverse consequences. Now that she feels I'm ready to hear everything and be friendly it may do more harm than good.

 

Agreed indifference is the point we both should reach first, and by that point we wouldn't care about contact or no contact. My ex clearly has reached that point. Don't forget I got to a point where I had begun to accept things but this curent contact is still hard. Some times I look at her and think, yeah we had a good time but I don't want you and other times I look at her and just want to hold her close.

 

I like to keep my dignity and not show I'm weak, hence why I am friendly back. It may be damaging but at the same time it makes me see how things really are. How she is happy with someone else, how she has moved on etc. that sh&t hurts but it does make the situation more real and something to deal with other than my imagination. I would have LC if you feel you can handle it. I'm clearly at a bit of a mid point. I should have probably waited longer but at the same time I don't know if its doing more harm than I would have expected.

 

Tough choice but as always you'll get support here.

 

yeah i wont go on her fb profile, really no point. and also as you say everyone on there, every post etc, is always about something great going on. its a place where you only see snippits of what the reality is. my ex always looks happy and smiling constantly. but when we met she too had been having a rough time with some things at home. so its obviously not 100% correct but what ever we see on it will hurt.

 

guess thats what makes it harder for me, the fact we met and slept together and expressed all this stuff, but ultimately she doesn't want it or that, and who knows maybe she will with someone out where she is now, either way i would be a fool to think she wasnt getting attention and sleeping with someone new.

so that hurts. kind of indicated how much i need to just forget it all and move on myself, be happy for myself.

 

i think staying in touch isnt healthy in general. and as much as id like to stay in touch i dont think i could handle it but.. i mean i did it before stayed in touch however it was one sided she never initiated contact to me where as this time she is or has, and unless she got a new bf and i knew 100% then what do i have to lose? (but then what to gain?) god its a nightmare

 

wish this was an easy decision, maybe it comes down to just trying to hold on still.. part of me thinks its an ego thing as well, i do enjoy hearing from her or knowing she has sent me a msg makes me feel good.

 

but as i say cant be naive and pretend she isnt seeing anyone. even if its not advertised on fb.. which then means you have to ask yourself the question why are we settling for anything less that what we truely want, we want to be with them, we dont want other guys having sex with them and having fun with them but that is the truth....

 

it must get easier with time, but for me its the unknown again, is she with someone else? but the point is, it is none of my business, if she is its her choice. we are not together anymore, so i should accept that. but then does that justify the situation for me now to talk to her once in a while, maybe i should be more mature and just cope and deal with it, cross that bridge when i get to it so to speak. on the other hand maybe i should just accept its over and she clearly is just living her life, and i should do the same, its all i can do actually, maybe i will get to a better place.

 

I remember being in this position before when i wasn't with my ex whom i loved, it drove me mad wondering if she was going to go out with her manager and then when i did find out she was seeing him or what ever well it crushed me to be honest.

 

so maybe i am best to walk away save my feelings and just let time and distance do its thing. after all we won't bump into each other, fb is the only portal to one another apart from mobile phones, but i don't even know if she took her phone, i assume she did.

 

so i could wipe the slate and forget she ever existed. or try and be brave stay in touch now and then and hope for the best. at the same time, i think it may only serve to hurt me.

 

ideal situation would be i totally move on find an amazing new girl and forget totally all about this. or have fun move on and then in the future meet my ex and we get back together.

[barese1]

yeah i wont go on her fb profile, really no point. and also as you say everyone on there, every post etc, is always about something great going on. its a place where you only see snippits of what the reality is. my ex always looks happy and smiling constantly. but when we met she too had been having a rough time with some things at home. so its obviously not 100% correct but what ever we see on it will hurt.

 

guess thats what makes it harder for me, the fact we met and slept together and expressed all this stuff, but ultimately she doesn't want it or that, and who knows maybe she will with someone out where she is now, either way i would be a fool to think she wasnt getting attention and sleeping with someone new.

so that hurts. kind of indicated how much i need to just forget it all and move on myself, be happy for myself.

 

i think staying in touch isnt healthy in general. and as much as id like to stay in touch i dont think i could handle it but.. i mean i did it before stayed in touch however it was one sided she never initiated contact to me where as this time she is or has, and unless she got a new bf and i knew 100% then what do i have to lose? (but then what to gain?) god its a nightmare

 

wish this was an easy decision, maybe it comes down to just trying to hold on still.. part of me thinks its an ego thing as well, i do enjoy hearing from her or knowing she has sent me a msg makes me feel good.

 

but as i say cant be naive and pretend she isnt seeing anyone. even if its not advertised on fb.. which then means you have to ask yourself the question why are we settling for anything less that what we truely want, we want to be with them, we dont want other guys having sex with them and having fun with them but that is the truth....

 

it must get easier with time, but for me its the unknown again, is she with someone else? but the point is, it is none of my business, if she is its her choice. we are not together anymore, so i should accept that. but then does that justify the situation for me now to talk to her once in a while, maybe i should be more mature and just cope and deal with it, cross that bridge when i get to it so to speak. on the other hand maybe i should just accept its over and she clearly is just living her life, and i should do the same, its all i can do actually, maybe i will get to a better place.

 

I remember being in this position before when i wasn't with my ex whom i loved, it drove me mad wondering if she was going to go out with her manager and then when i did find out she was seeing him or what ever well it crushed me to be honest.

 

so maybe i am best to walk away save my feelings and just let time and distance do its thing. after all we won't bump into each other, fb is the only portal to one another apart from mobile phones, but i don't even know if she took her phone, i assume she did.

 

so i could wipe the slate and forget she ever existed. or try and be brave stay in touch now and then and hope for the best. at the same time, i think it may only serve to hurt me.

 

ideal situation would be i totally move on find an amazing new girl and forget totally all about this. or have fun move on and then in the future meet my ex and we get back together.

 

100% true. Seeing anything on fb just hurts. Even though I'm friends with the ex I still am unsubscribed from her and all mutual friends feeds. I don't want to see pictures of her and the new guy all over my page and I won't sneak a peak either.

 

I hate to say it but I think you're right. We should both probably go back to NC. I felt the same as you, what do I have to lose, but it can make things a lot harder. Knowing my ex is really keen on someone else has bothered me. Not crushed me but its like we never happened. Maybe that is for the best in some ways but it also doesn't feel great.

 

That's the problem. if you contact in an attempt to try and reconcile, it really isn't a good thing. If you contact just because you can handle it its fine. I'm not in the first group but then I don't think I'm quite in the second group either. I don't get all excited when she messages me etc because I know it doesn't mean anything at all. That's some sort of progress I guess.

 

I think you're right there. I've always said I didn't want her back. that's because I knew it would never happen and that I deserve to have someone really want me. That said I don't want her sleeping with other guys. If you do want her back then NC. In fact (I should take my own advice) if there are any feelings there at all it should be NC. Seeing the ex again has made me realise what I liked about her in the first place, but also that she doesn't feel taht at all. Helps and hinders all at once.

 

Just live your life mate. Its not about being mature and having contact. If it hurts then don't. I cannot really tell where I am in all this but have decided that I am not going to seek out any contact now. I never did, but have really learned that I don't want to be chasing her as a friend or whatever. I don't think I can be true friends with her but I'd prefer to be friendly. That said I will never initiate anything from now on.

 

Its like I don't want her but I hate the thought of her falling for a guy after she didn't get attached to me. My ex is Summer 100%

[barese1]

Ok maybe I have done myself some harm. Keep thinking that the ex is really keen on new man but wasn't on me. Makes me question what I did wrong but...

 

Rationally thinking. I was just a rebound. This guy is someone she likes.

 

That's not my problem and honestly, best of luck to her but I don't want to know.

 

Starting a new journey today but still think about her a lot, guess that never went away.

 

That's it. Be civil. Not friends and try and really strive forward with my life.

 

Can't wait to read this thread in about a year and hopefully feel nothing at all

[Dblock10]

same, unsubscribed is the best thing to do. but are we both still on their face books because we don't truly want to let go, become the distant past so to speak. although in many regards, we both already are. mine even said s***** its been over a year now.. but deffo 100% stay off there fb. i'm worried enough about her profile picture changing let alone what comments could be on her wall.

 

so yes her contact is just her being friendly. i see this now.

 

its true, what do we have to lose? but honestly what do we have to gain? that should be the true question, what benefit is this person bringing to your life? every time we think of them, its based on what was, not what is. I think thats a key point to make, this person isn't who you wanted them to be, just an idealised subjective prejudice on what you want them to be.

 

im not in either group either, i'm not at the point where i can be blasé and truly "friendly" without actually wanting or hoping for more, hoping she would feel something for me to. I don't get excited when i get a message from her, but it does stroke the ego, like oh she does want to stay in touch.. and thats the crunch for me, this time around she has stayed in touch or made an effort to stay in touch, but clearly i am reading into this too much. it could be because before when she left she just didn't bother and i told her how much that hurt..

 

if you do want her back NC, how come? what makes you think this?

 

i guess thats true, its not about mature and having contact, thing is it doesn't "hurt" so to speak, just seems to disappoint and stirs up jealousy in me :/ not really sure what that means...

 

thats the thing, i never seeked out any contact this time, it has been her to do so. but then she is obviously in a better place and for her it merely is friendly... again that is hard for me to accept due to what happened when we met but i must look at facts and her words, happy being single, nothings changed and its been over a year.. pretty concrete in not wanting to be with me. but then does that mean i should hang on and hope that one day she will change? probably not

 

see for me when you say this > I never did, but have really learned that I don't want to be chasing her as a friend or whatever. I don't think I can be true friends with her but I'd prefer to be friendly. That said I will never initiate anything from now on.

 

i feel the same, totally. as it has been her to initiate contact with me, should i be civil and reply.. but then now knowing nothing will come of it as in i wont be able to be back with her, she is out there living life, going out, meeting men, going for meals, drinking in clubs, having casual sex etc where and why do i fit into this at a distance?

 

and thats the thing i do want her i dont want her to be with other guys, and yet i know nothing about what she is up to because im not in contact, but then i cant control those things anyway... so ultimately is useless.

[barese1]

same, unsubscribed is the best thing to do. but are we both still on their face books because we don't truly want to let go, become the distant past so to speak. although in many regards, we both already are. mine even said s***** its been over a year now.. but deffo 100% stay off there fb. i'm worried enough about her profile picture changing let alone what comments could be on her wall.

 

so yes her contact is just her being friendly. i see this now.

 

its true, what do we have to lose? but honestly what do we have to gain? that should be the true question, what benefit is this person bringing to your life? every time we think of them, its based on what was, not what is. I think thats a key point to make, this person isn't who you wanted them to be, just an idealised subjective prejudice on what you want them to be.

 

im not in either group either, i'm not at the point where i can be blasé and truly "friendly" without actually wanting or hoping for more, hoping she would feel something for me to. I don't get excited when i get a message from her, but it does stroke the ego, like oh she does want to stay in touch.. and thats the crunch for me, this time around she has stayed in touch or made an effort to stay in touch, but clearly i am reading into this too much. it could be because before when she left she just didn't bother and i told her how much that hurt..

 

if you do want her back NC, how come? what makes you think this?

 

i guess thats true, its not about mature and having contact, thing is it doesn't "hurt" so to speak, just seems to disappoint and stirs up jealousy in me :/ not really sure what that means...

 

thats the thing, i never seeked out any contact this time, it has been her to do so. but then she is obviously in a better place and for her it merely is friendly... again that is hard for me to accept due to what happened when we met but i must look at facts and her words, happy being single, nothings changed and its been over a year.. pretty concrete in not wanting to be with me. but then does that mean i should hang on and hope that one day she will change? probably not

 

see for me when you say this > I never did, but have really learned that I don't want to be chasing her as a friend or whatever. I don't think I can be true friends with her but I'd prefer to be friendly. That said I will never initiate anything from now on.

 

i feel the same, totally. as it has been her to initiate contact with me, should i be civil and reply.. but then now knowing nothing will come of it as in i wont be able to be back with her, she is out there living life, going out, meeting men, going for meals, drinking in clubs, having casual sex etc where and why do i fit into this at a distance?

 

and thats the thing i do want her i dont want her to be with other guys, and yet i know nothing about what she is up to because im not in contact, but then i cant control those things anyway... so ultimately is useless.

 

Maybe we are on fb because we don't want to let go. I blocked my ex then after we saw each other she added me. Like I said she thinks I'm completely over her so probably didn't see adding me as an issue. Nor did I at the time. I find it easy to not stalk though as I know it will pain me. i can't imagine my ex putting up a couples profile picture for a while but who knows.

 

I guess we have nothing to gain either mate. Me being friendly with my ex isn't bringing anything positive to me. To begin with it made me feel that at least I wasn't a no one to her, that she didn't hate me but that shouldn't matter anyway. I'm still not important to her and never was, and now I know someone else is. See as much as NC hurt and now I am dealing with this new pain at least I don't see her as this idealised person as I once did.

 

Same as you, I'm probably not ready to be fully casual, but at the same time I will never let myself appear to be still into her when I speak to her. It sounds stupid but because I know she'd never want me I don't have any hope or expectations of getting her back. But when I saw her yesterday I spent half the time thinking of her as I once did and the other half seeing her as a friend. I guess I'm getting there but too much contact will make it worse. Today I miss her, I haven't really for a while now.

 

This is going to sound lame but I wouldn't know how to initiate NC again without looking weak! Therefore I'm just not going to reach out to her, and I doubt she'll really contact me that much anyway.

 

The only thing thats been hard really through the recent contact is seeing and confirming that she never had feelings for me but has for someone else. I have no idea how I'll feel this time a month from now but I have to just not think about this girl anymore. I wonder if she hadn't of told me about the new guy would I be feeling ok? Maybe but only becuase I would then be thinking o maybe she's spending time with me coz she wants me back, and I'd start this false hope again.

 

Felt that anxious sick feeling again. Haven't had that for a little while, clearly I need to stay away while I get my head around the fact she's 150% moved on. I just want to feel that way about her too, and be happy for her being with someone. I genuinely do. I am with other exs but then I never fell for them as hard as I did for this one.

[Dblock10]

yeah, i guess i just don't like or don't want to accept that she feels nothing for me anymore. its like i am a contradiction from her very actions and words. sleeping with me telling me the feelings are there, then moving away and telling me the rest and how she is happy being single etc.. which means she is happy without me, and is of course more than likely sleeping with others. this isn't the girl i fell for anymore. in fact when she didnt want to make it work when she left i should have totally drawn the line. but i stayed in touch polite and friendly, asking about her, little did i know she was having sex with other guys. whats funny is i too was sleeping with other girls, but really it meant nothing, they were purely rebounds.

 

ultimately i didnt want her to move away again, i thought maybe after we had met up she might want to stick around and for us to be back together, this image got esp blown up when she was telling me she had missed me and all that, that is what i had hoped for for a long time after all...

 

so when i now think about it all and know she slept with two guys, just makes me a bit sick because that action in itself just shows how to her i am/was really just a no body to her. she can and has just slept with other guys all within 6 months, whilst i was sat around thinking of her constantly, of course i slept with others but its not the same as with her. who knows maybe it was a bit of fun for her but you just don't know. for all i know she could have been sleeping with the same guy for multiple weeks.. she could be sleeping with one of them she met right now. i do after all know one of them lives where she is currently. they have even met up and gone out for a dinner..

 

i do miss her a lot, i do wish she would be back with me but it didn't happen and now it seems like if we did meet again then she would have slept with more guys and i just don't think i like that thought, enough to want to be back with her. just makes me feel not very important and as i say, she isn't the girl i thought she was or wanted her to be. as much as i am physically attracted to her thats only skin deep.

 

how do you mean initiate nc? you just do it! don't reply to her messages. I haven't replied to my ex and i am on the fence about replying tbh.... its been about 20 days since i haven't replied and she hasn't sent another message... meaning again... for her its just friendly chat... what ever chat we have been having is her purely being friendly and nice, there is no other meaning behind it, again that makes me sad.

 

im thinking of it logically, as in what will this achieve for me if i do reply? thinking long term as well as short... and it all boils down to 'not a lot'. I cant gain anything, i cant be with her, i cant get her to want me, i can't do anything. even long term who knows where or what she will be doing even if i was to start talking to her everyday..

 

all points to one thing > leave it be, and let it go. become the past and embrace the future put it behind and just know it will become a memory. ultimately everyone dies and all will be forgotten, even if you find the love of your life, you will ultimately not be with them forever.

 

its all a shame and seems like the only person getting hurt or losing out is me if i keep going back to contacting her hoping for a different outcome, it wont happen, it physically can't let alone anything else. i know the facts i know the score she is happy living her single life, and yeh hooking up with other guys and what ever being happy single entails.

 

hard for me to accept. very hard. as i say, i miss her (the image of her i had made out and some memories) but they are the past and thats all they ever will be, i need to realise that who she is, is this person being and doing the things she does, and yeah she is happy and so thats good for her, i wish she could be happy with me. i know she could be but our paths in life dont fit right now.

 

i know how you feel to see her and talk to her again, i think it would bring back a lot of memories. in a way i am glad she isnt in the same area if she didnt want to be with me, that would hurt more so seeing her. but at the same time, part of me thinks if she was here we would actually be seeing each other again.

 

yeah you would be feeling better because it would be stroking your ego, for me i dont know if she is seeing someone new and that would also hurt to know.

 

i keep getting pangs of that sick feeling. its not good. yeah im with you on that, im the same with other ex;s but didnt fall as hard as i did for this one...

 

what does that tell us? they must be the one.. but then she cant be or she would have wanted to stick around.

 

it does seem to come down to not wanting to be rejected. part of me wants to break nc and speak to her face facts and just in a way have her turn me down one more time so that i can get it all out and clear the air.

 

for her our catching up was great but for her nothing has changed and it didnt make her want to be back with me. thats pretty gutting to tell you the truth.

 

but then by me drilling or droning on at her it will just make me look weaker and push her further away. i dont know

[barese1]

yeah, i guess i just don't like or don't want to accept that she feels nothing for me anymore. its like i am a contradiction from her very actions and words. sleeping with me telling me the feelings are there, then moving away and telling me the rest and how she is happy being single etc.. which means she is happy without me, and is of course more than likely sleeping with others. this isn't the girl i fell for anymore. in fact when she didnt want to make it work when she left i should have totally drawn the line. but i stayed in touch polite and friendly, asking about her, little did i know she was having sex with other guys. whats funny is i too was sleeping with other girls, but really it meant nothing, they were purely rebounds.

 

ultimately i didnt want her to move away again, i thought maybe after we had met up she might want to stick around and for us to be back together, this image got esp blown up when she was telling me she had missed me and all that, that is what i had hoped for for a long time after all...

 

so when i now think about it all and know she slept with two guys, just makes me a bit sick because that action in itself just shows how to her i am/was really just a no body to her. she can and has just slept with other guys all within 6 months, whilst i was sat around thinking of her constantly, of course i slept with others but its not the same as with her. who knows maybe it was a bit of fun for her but you just don't know. for all i know she could have been sleeping with the same guy for multiple weeks.. she could be sleeping with one of them she met right now. i do after all know one of them lives where she is currently. they have even met up and gone out for a dinner..

 

i do miss her a lot, i do wish she would be back with me but it didn't happen and now it seems like if we did meet again then she would have slept with more guys and i just don't think i like that thought, enough to want to be back with her. just makes me feel not very important and as i say, she isn't the girl i thought she was or wanted her to be. as much as i am physically attracted to her thats only skin deep.

 

how do you mean initiate nc? you just do it! don't reply to her messages. I haven't replied to my ex and i am on the fence about replying tbh.... its been about 20 days since i haven't replied and she hasn't sent another message... meaning again... for her its just friendly chat... what ever chat we have been having is her purely being friendly and nice, there is no other meaning behind it, again that makes me sad.

 

im thinking of it logically, as in what will this achieve for me if i do reply? thinking long term as well as short... and it all boils down to 'not a lot'. I cant gain anything, i cant be with her, i cant get her to want me, i can't do anything. even long term who knows where or what she will be doing even if i was to start talking to her everyday..

 

all points to one thing > leave it be, and let it go. become the past and embrace the future put it behind and just know it will become a memory. ultimately everyone dies and all will be forgotten, even if you find the love of your life, you will ultimately not be with them forever.

 

its all a shame and seems like the only person getting hurt or losing out is me if i keep going back to contacting her hoping for a different outcome, it wont happen, it physically can't let alone anything else. i know the facts i know the score she is happy living her single life, and yeh hooking up with other guys and what ever being happy single entails.

 

hard for me to accept. very hard. as i say, i miss her (the image of her i had made out and some memories) but they are the past and thats all they ever will be, i need to realise that who she is, is this person being and doing the things she does, and yeah she is happy and so thats good for her, i wish she could be happy with me. i know she could be but our paths in life dont fit right now.

 

i know how you feel to see her and talk to her again, i think it would bring back a lot of memories. in a way i am glad she isnt in the same area if she didnt want to be with me, that would hurt more so seeing her. but at the same time, part of me thinks if she was here we would actually be seeing each other again.

 

yeah you would be feeling better because it would be stroking your ego, for me i dont know if she is seeing someone new and that would also hurt to know.

 

i keep getting pangs of that sick feeling. its not good. yeah im with you on that, im the same with other ex;s but didnt fall as hard as i did for this one...

 

what does that tell us? they must be the one.. but then she cant be or she would have wanted to stick around.

 

it does seem to come down to not wanting to be rejected. part of me wants to break nc and speak to her face facts and just in a way have her turn me down one more time so that i can get it all out and clear the air.

 

for her our catching up was great but for her nothing has changed and it didnt make her want to be back with me. thats pretty gutting to tell you the truth.

 

but then by me drilling or droning on at her it will just make me look weaker and push her further away. i dont know

 

If you see some of the earlier posts on this thread by other people like Ruby65, they're right. They do feel nothing for us anymore because they never really did in the first place. They may have said they did or did things that seemed like they did but truthfully they didn't. My ex didn't even though it really felt like she did at the time.

 

But dude, she slept with other guys, you slept with other girls. It is the same. The only difference is that we were hurting and missed the ex, but you can't be angry with her for sleeping with other guys especially if you were sleeping around too. Also if this puts you off then its a good thing.

 

I know you just initiate it by doing it but as she thinks I'm fully over her then it'll come across as weird. She really believes I'm as moved on as she is. I doubt she'll contact me anyway so it isn't an issue. I will see her when I celebrate the end of the course with friends, and she expects to come to a house party I'm throwing but I think that probably ain't a great idea and will have to tell her - that'll be fun.

 

I think to begin with i was like that. What gain would I get from contacting her? I know I still gain nothing. when I finally see her with indifference then it'll be nice to chat now and then, just as you do with old friends. I think I rushed the contact part a little in retrospect.

 

True she can't have been the one. I mean she was great for me but I wasn't what she was looking for therefore she wasn't the one. i don't belive in the one anyway if I'm honest but at the same time I know there are very few grils that I have cared that much for.

 

Same here for us catching up. She liked it, its nice for her as she's over me. For me it was nice but a little sore too. The only thing in my favour is that I have accepted its done with so haven't looked weak and said anything about us getting back together. I'd like to be with her I suppose but it won't happen so why bother pursuing it.

 

I can't stop thinking that if I never asked if she was seeing someone whther I would feel ok now. I mean it was great to see her and chat but now I picture her happy with someone else in a way that she wasn't with me. If I didn't know would I try and keep lots of contact hoping to get her back?? I just hope that the choices I've made are beneficial to me in the long run. I want to be over her a million times more than I want her back. that's the truth and bottom line.

 

The only thing, and it was the exact same with NC and contact. I keep thinking about her. Constantly. This is driving me mad now!

[Dblock10]

well i'm sure my ex did feel something, but sure i did fee like i was just in the background and not a priority to her. so maybe i imagined it. really screws with my mind.

 

it doesn't put me off her per say, but it makes me realise that im not special to her. as in i was hurting and missed her whilst she perhaps wasn't feeling the same about me.. but then when we met she told me how much she had missed me... head spin much?

 

if she is fully over you it wont come across as weird. your thinking about what she will think... who cares..!

 

this is why i don't plan on finding out about her life now, because ultimately it will play on your mind. ignorance is bliss. and again its to do with control. you cant ever control anyone, they do what they want to do... so for me, thinking if i stayed in contact just to have some control or what ever on her being with someone else, well that wont work... she will do what she wants to do regardless if i am there or not. just like who she slept with other guys.

 

im getting to the accepting its done with stage.

 

you cant undo what you have asked.. and yeah if you hadn't asked you wouldn't be feeding your mind with all this new stuff. you just have to accept if there with someone new then thats the way it is, what could you do about it anyway? nothing.

 

again no, if you didn't know you wouldn't have stayed in touch in hope to get her back. you knew it was over. and again what control would you have had? exactly, none.

 

yeah for me its like that, regardless of contact or not, the thought is still there constantly. its driven me mad as well.

Edited September 5, 2012 by Dblock10

[barese1]

just feel like such an idiot for asking her if she was seeing anyone. Its playing on my mind and I could have avoided it so easily. I'd be feeling a lot better than I do right now.

 

why o why did I ask

[Dblock10]

just feel like such an idiot for asking her if she was seeing anyone. Its playing on my mind and I could have avoided it so easily. I'd be feeling a lot better than I do right now.

 

why o why did I ask

 

exactly, i realised this the first time she left, if i had asked if she had slept with anyone (which she had) then i would have gone insane and been very hurt. but then maybe that would have helped me get angry and del her..

 

i only found out when we met and "i asked her". again i shouldn't have. and ultimately what business is it of mine. but yeah the bf or seeing someone, not a good question.