Tally123 Posted August 23, 2012 Share Posted August 23, 2012 HERE SHE IS!!! I have been waiting for Ruby and her no nonsense approach.... If you feel you have to do this, then do it. No one can tell you otherwise, this is just an advice board and like Ruby said, whatever happens we will be here!! Just make sure you are looking super dapper tomorrow night. Have you got alot of your own friends that are going yeah? You want to look like a social butterfly. Link to post Share on other sites
Author barese1 Posted August 23, 2012 Author Share Posted August 23, 2012 I know its always good to see Ruby's posts. Well its all mutual friends from when we were doing the masters and obviously the two lads from the course are closer to me so I do have plenty of people to chat to. Gets a little awkward now as the current girl is actually out that evening in town too so I'd prob go to the party then go and see her afterwards. I think it would be awkward for me, my current girl and the ex if we were all in a club at the same time so am trying to do the right thing by me and the current girl. God dam it so confusing! Link to post Share on other sites
Tally123 Posted August 23, 2012 Share Posted August 23, 2012 So this gathering where your ex will be, is it in a club, or round someones house? I think will be nice to meet the new girl after!! Make you realise what you have now and how much better things are going to be. Link to post Share on other sites
Author barese1 Posted August 23, 2012 Author Share Posted August 23, 2012 Gathering is round a house but will no doubt go into town afterwards. yeah thats what I'm thinking too. Had a really nice night with her yesterday and really don't want her to feel uncomfortable or think I'm choosing to spend time with the ex over her. So am thinking of going to the house, saying hi to everyone, when thye go out just meet the current one (explained all to her by the way) and hope we just don't end up in the same place! Arrrgh such a soap opera now. Link to post Share on other sites
Tally123 Posted August 23, 2012 Share Posted August 23, 2012 Go to the house party (if you must!), dont stay all night, leave and go and see the new girl!!! If she ends up going same place as you two, well then thats not your problem. You cant base your life round her. Im really intrigued to see how this is going to play out....all the best and dont forget to keep us in the loop! Link to post Share on other sites
Author barese1 Posted August 23, 2012 Author Share Posted August 23, 2012 I'm bloody inrigued too! I know I'm just over thinking it, but its more not wanting to make current girl feel uncomfortable. I do need to go to this party, show my face, confront my demons. Accept she will be looking good, but she's just someone I used to sleep with. Nothing more. Link to post Share on other sites
Stanza Posted August 23, 2012 Share Posted August 23, 2012 I think the new girl will feel good that you're seeing her after - if you do that. I think that's a good plan. I think that you're doing the right thing, face the demons, see what happens in terms of feelings/closure and let's face it, if you do this, maybe you don't have to worry anymore abut bumping into her, it's like getting over that point of having seen her again and moving on... Definitely intrigued as to what will happen!! Link to post Share on other sites
gullibleme Posted August 23, 2012 Share Posted August 23, 2012 boy oh boy...wish I knew what to tell you. I was in your shoes a couple weeks ago and still not sure I made the right decision. It was my 30 yr class reunion I decided not to go. I knew my ex was seeing someone new and I thought he would have the decency to not bring her but I wasn't sure and had to protect my heart. I am beginning to move on and didn't to go backwards....I saw pics on good old FB from classmates and that hurt to see he did bring her...UGH! I was going through all the same things you express...I really wanted to go and show him I am fine and thought it would only be awkward if I made it awkward..I ultimately couldn't do it. He said in our last e-mail early July that he hoped if we ever saw each other that we could say hi and whatnot....I told him no, I told him I had hate in me right now and probably wouldn't be able to do that. Maybe immature on my part but that's the only way I could get him to stop with the breadcrumbs and stop occasional texts. We do what we need to do in our own way to heal....I never got closure...this is my own closure. You have a decision to make and only you know how to handle the situation, you know whether you are strong enough to handle seeing her or not...I wasn't strong enough and that was my decision to miss out on something that I wanted to go to. I am ok with the decision I made....best of luck! Link to post Share on other sites
Author barese1 Posted August 24, 2012 Author Share Posted August 24, 2012 The new girl is happy that I'm going out to meet her after which is good. I am scared ****less about tonight but still think it has to be done. Crap of your ex to bring someone when they thought you would be there. That might happen to me, if it does fine. I'm not really sure if I am strong enough but for all the reasons I've given I really think I need to go through with this. I just hope it doesn't knock me back to square one. $ months post BU, 3 months NC - lets see how much I've moved on. I still think about her a bit and am anxious so these aren't great signs but we'll see. Link to post Share on other sites
Tally123 Posted August 24, 2012 Share Posted August 24, 2012 Barese good luck tonight!! I hope it goes well for you and gives you some kind of clossure! PLEASE PLEASE update us as soon as you can! I will be looking on here for an update late tonight/tomorrow! Link to post Share on other sites
Author barese1 Posted August 24, 2012 Author Share Posted August 24, 2012 Thanks Tally fingers crossed it won't mess me up too much and its a nice night. I doubt I'll get a chance to post on here till tomorrow evening though. I hope this was the right decision I just want to be normal about this whole thing! Link to post Share on other sites
Tally123 Posted August 25, 2012 Share Posted August 25, 2012 dont do this to us...what happened? Link to post Share on other sites
Stanza Posted August 25, 2012 Share Posted August 25, 2012 ditto that Link to post Share on other sites
Author barese1 Posted August 25, 2012 Author Share Posted August 25, 2012 Hey guys, Firstly apologies if this post seems like it was written by a five year old. I've had 3 hours sleep and been at work all day with a hangover . Anyways so after much deliberation I went to this party last night that my ex was at. My good friends (and counsellor), and many people I respect on LS said I shouldn't go. It would only cause me pain. In some way I agreed this was most likely true but decided to go for various reasons. To show that I am not some trembling emotional wreck. To see her in a place where I was expecting it in preparation for a time when it would happen randomly. And to some extent just to see her (have to be honest)...as well as see my mate for her birthday and house warming. So what happened? Well before going round I was scared sh*tless. The whole day could barely eat and was nervous as hell. Was I gonna make a fool of myself, was it gonna be awkward, would I feel more in love with her? Had a couple of beers, but was sensible, and turned up to the house with some mates. Saw her, gave her a hello hug then started to chat to everyone else. I was a hit, ha! The ex was across the room, I barely laid an eye on her and we chatted a little, but as part of the group. At some point we ended up being sat next to each other and spoke a little bit more properly. Just small talk and general catch up etc. It was nice but here's the cool part..... I didn't feel anxious or anything talking to her. It felt like I was talking to an old friend or at least someone I used to know. I was worried that all the old feelings would come straight back. THEY DIDN'T yes she looked pretty but something was different. She's put on a little bit of weight it seems, not that it matters but it helped. Also (most girls will think she sounds horrendous) but her bright blonde hair, big eye lashes and fake tan actually looked a little ridiculous. Her face and eyes were still beautiful but generally she just didn't look great, and hell, I did! Also the little things that I used to love and find endearing were slightly annoying. She was constantly looking at her phone. Got excited at any new news screaming eeeeeeeeek, when it started raining she was worried about her tan getting ruined, she got changed about 4 times. I saw these things objectively...finally. Conversation was ok, I didn't pry too much or talk in any great length. It was light small talk really but we spoke about careers etc. It was so nice to see her but not in a way that I thought. I could tell she was happy that we were talking but it was clear there was nothing more than that, but it was the same from me too. It did get awkward when me and a friend decided it was time to leave and meet the current girl. I had warned my mate that I was doing this but she just wanted me out. At this point the whole house was asking me to come out and where I was going. At this time the ex was in the other room so I said my byes to everyone but before leaving I went to see her and tell her I was off. Honestly I don't even know what I told her, I wasn't drunk just can't remember, I guess it didn't matter to me that much?! I gave her a hug, said it was nice to see her and that she better make sure that our friend got really drunk. She said she hoped she would see me again soon.....now that comment hasn't really played on my mind. If i was still wanting her that would be playing over and over, I just took for one of those throw away comments that people say. I left with my friend feeling good. I felt like I did exactly what I set out to do. Show myself in a confident and positive way, show no hard feelings, show I was not a mess and confront my demon. I felt ok. I didn't miss her, I felt like it helped. She is still a great girl but seeing her genuinely knocked her off that pedestal I have had of her in my mind for the last 3 months. She's just another, blonde, made up, but sweet girl. Just another girl! I left, went to a club, saw the new girl and she looked great. She looked beautiful and we were kinda all over each other. I know that I may never have the intense feelings for her I had for the ex but I'm happy. Her friend (who knows the whole situation as was on the course with me and the ex) coincidentally asked me if I was over her ex and not messing this new girl about. I had a smile on my face when I spoke to her. I was honest and said I went to this party to see how I felt. That yes I now knew for sure I was over her and really liked this new girl. Sooo was that exactly true? Maybe not 100% but to be honest seeing her has actually helped me get over her more than anything else. I think I have been doing all the right things but seeing her as a normal person whilst having attention elsewhere brought her into real light, not in an angelic glow! I still have some way to go but I feel good. I don't want her back. I do want to chat to her every now and then but wouldn't go near her now that I am with someone else, not that it would happen anyway. Few things that I wonder though... I still woke up with a real sense of anxiety this morning. Why do you think this is? I figure its just because my body has been feeling that daily for months and it'll wear off. I also worried that maybe all this positivity and good feeling might just be from getting a 'fix' and seeing her rather than actually moving on (but doubt that). In short I had this girl in my mind as an absolute goddess. I thought about her continuosly every day for 4 months. I did all I could to improve myself and went strict NC for 3 months. Even when I felt like I wasn't healing I kept up with it. I eventually found a reason to see her (true really). It made me realise that although I do like the girl, maybe my feelings for her aren't what they once were. I feel better. I still would like her in my life, but at the same time I'm not that bothered about being close. Guess what when I log onto face book today. She's sent me a friend request!! I only emphasise that as it is rather amusing. I'm not reading into it anything other than what it is, she saw me as she first saw me, her friend and maybe its time to allow to be a part of my life again - not a big part though!!!! I foresee that there will still some tough times ahead but this is the best, freedom feeling, getting to indifference, that I've been this whole time. I will keep posting on here and look forward to your comments:D. Much love. Link to post Share on other sites
Fitnerd Posted August 25, 2012 Share Posted August 25, 2012 I haven't read the full thread, but I just had to congratulate you, 3 months strict NC and now, you can finally (?) put all this behind you. I hope it works out with you and that new girl! I'm coming up on 3 weeks NC and I hope that I'll experience what you did some day! Link to post Share on other sites
Dblock10 Posted August 25, 2012 Share Posted August 25, 2012 wow bar, ha, thats a good story! although it makes me feel bad.. lol cause, when i saw my ex again all the feelings rushed back, but then she was kissing me loads telling me how much she had missed me.. so maybe a bit different to your experience. plus my ex is a natural beauty, she doesn't do all that fake stuff, and i like her more for that to. really got my head in two places now. sounds like you healed and its good you have a new girl. i think that factor would help a lot, even in my situation. as i had met a new girl before that i really liked but it didnt work out. hmm. Link to post Share on other sites
Tally123 Posted August 25, 2012 Share Posted August 25, 2012 I can't tell you how happy i am to read your post barese... Of course i had my doubts, i was worried about the immediate affects this would have on you, but do you know what. , you've done it, or you're three quarters of the way there and i am very proud of you my friend. you went into something head on- you faced something that most of us would have run 100 miles from and you have come through the other side of. Of course its going to feel weird seeing her and bring up some old feelings and emotions, but that's human nature. The fact that you see her as this made up barbie who is afraid to ruin her tan, well, i can't tell you how great that is. You see her for her faults, that's how it should be. This means you are moving on in a way that you could never have imagined a few months ago! You showed her barese. Well done dude! High five from me. Tally x Link to post Share on other sites
Author barese1 Posted August 26, 2012 Author Share Posted August 26, 2012 wow bar, ha, thats a good story! although it makes me feel bad.. lol cause, when i saw my ex again all the feelings rushed back, but then she was kissing me loads telling me how much she had missed me.. so maybe a bit different to your experience. plus my ex is a natural beauty, she doesn't do all that fake stuff, and i like her more for that to. really got my head in two places now. sounds like you healed and its good you have a new girl. i think that factor would help a lot, even in my situation. as i had met a new girl before that i really liked but it didnt work out. hmm. yeah well of course the feelings will rush back if the ex is kissing you and stuff. If mine had done that then I'm sure the feelings would have rushed back too! New girls will come, it takes time. i was a little lucky with finding this one but at the same time I know it won't go anywhere really but I like her and its helping me move on. Things just happen when you start sorting out your sh*t Link to post Share on other sites
Author barese1 Posted August 26, 2012 Author Share Posted August 26, 2012 I can't tell you how happy i am to read your post barese... Of course i had my doubts, i was worried about the immediate affects this would have on you, but do you know what. , you've done it, or you're three quarters of the way there and i am very proud of you my friend. you went into something head on- you faced something that most of us would have run 100 miles from and you have come through the other side of. Of course its going to feel weird seeing her and bring up some old feelings and emotions, but that's human nature. The fact that you see her as this made up barbie who is afraid to ruin her tan, well, i can't tell you how great that is. You see her for her faults, that's how it should be. This means you are moving on in a way that you could never have imagined a few months ago! You showed her barese. Well done dude! High five from me. Tally x Ha thanks Tally. I know i was also petrified of the immediate aftermath but I agree, I am well on my way to being over this. Of course I still have a journey but it really took the edge off. Funny what could have been the most damaging thing for me was actually the most helpfull. I now see I have real things in my life to worry about rather than some girl I used to sleep with! I'll keep posting here but I am indeed moving on in a way I never expected. i guess all that hard work paid off, and it was the final push I needed Link to post Share on other sites
Dblock10 Posted August 26, 2012 Share Posted August 26, 2012 yeah well of course the feelings will rush back if the ex is kissing you and stuff. If mine had done that then I'm sure the feelings would have rushed back too! New girls will come, it takes time. i was a little lucky with finding this one but at the same time I know it won't go anywhere really but I like her and its helping me move on. Things just happen when you start sorting out your sh*t glad going helped. i told you to face the demons and you did! i think that was a smart thing to do. success story!! yeah well her telling me she still has feelings is a massive head f... im feeling really lonely at the moment, uni starts in oct and i have work still to do.. so im just stuck in my house on my own, and i haven't got the time to really just forget the work and go out, meet friends etc. sigh! very depressing being in my shoes right now Link to post Share on other sites
Stanza Posted August 26, 2012 Share Posted August 26, 2012 woo hoo, good write up. sounds like it went better than could be expected and that you did yourself proud. remember the things about her that were annoying as she might now show interest again and this new girl sounds better. it's definitely deeper than the looks... Link to post Share on other sites
Author barese1 Posted August 26, 2012 Author Share Posted August 26, 2012 woo hoo, good write up. sounds like it went better than could be expected and that you did yourself proud. remember the things about her that were annoying as she might now show interest again and this new girl sounds better. it's definitely deeper than the looks... Agreed it really did me the world of good. I know now that I can handle being friendly with the ex, but don't want her in that way anymore, even though 3 days ago I thought I did. I am such an advocate for NC but maybe there is something to be said for just facing this kinda thing face on BUT only after time. I gave myself 3 months to really try and heal and never once made an attempt to get her back or even communicate. That's probably why when I saw the ex I was more prepared to see her just as a person rather than my love even though I wasn't sure I was ready. The new girl is lovely and I am seeing her tonight too! Link to post Share on other sites
I'm nuts Posted August 26, 2012 Share Posted August 26, 2012 Well done. It's amazing how time changes our perception of people, and think this is just 3-4 months and you see things differently, now multiply that a few times and you get to years and then you see them again, you'll wonder what all the fuss was about. Time really is quite amazing in what it unravels and how view people we put on a high. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author barese1 Posted August 26, 2012 Author Share Posted August 26, 2012 Its so true. I accepted her friend request and said it was nice to see her and happy things are good with her. She wrote back just saying shes glad we can be friendly and general chatty stuff. Truthfully, I feel fine with it I know I don't want to be with her, but did always hope we could be friendly (not great mates obviously, still think exs can't really do that) and have realised that those feelings I thought I had for her were actually for the image I had in my mind of her. They weren't the same when I saw the real person in the flesh. She is a lovely girl yes but not someone for me...I can really see that now. Link to post Share on other sites
Dblock10 Posted August 26, 2012 Share Posted August 26, 2012 well seems like your ls journey has come to an end, until your next break up, but you seem more heads up now. enjoy the new girl Link to post Share on other sites
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