NC or friends maybe?

[querky]

Woah I followed most of this thread then skipped to the end just hoping you were finally moving on and feeling better. But sadly not..? I think??

 

Anyway, a couple of suggestions.

1)A book to read (if you haven't read it) Awaken the Giant Within:

Awaken the Giant Within: How to Take Immediate Control of Your Mental, Emotional, Physical and Financial: Amazon.ca: Anthony Robbins: Books

It's kinda ish boring at times but helpful with psychology especially when feeling stuck.

2)Flow: The Psychology of Optimal Experience

Flow: The Psychology of Optimal Experience: Amazon.ca: Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi: Books

 

Try to do something every day to fill your head with new information. Like, if you like music (sample a new album every day - you can do this for free), tv (watch a new episode of some show) okay anyway. Your mind needs new info!

 

Lastly, this is my belief.. right now at this stage of my life. No one is THAT special. People come into your life, for a day, for a week, for a year, or a lifetime. They serve their purpose to you and then leave and you're supposed to bow your head and say thank you and let them go. Because now that she is not in your life anymore, you have plenty of time to think. And you can think about why her visit to your life was special and how it changed you and what lessons you got out of it. But.. this thinking is not about control. It's not about getting her back or trying to warp reality into what it isn't. It's about becoming a different person because of the events that transpired. It's about changing your outlook because of what happened on life in general.

 

The thing is that..every person we date, is different because of who we have become and throughout life we are always growing. She was probably better match for you than your previous ex because since your previous ex you had grown as a person. So she was probably more of a match for you because you were more developed and mature. Ofcourse that means there were more feelings involved in the breakup.

 

But the good news is, there is the next girlfriend of the future that will enter your life right?? And by my logic, she will be an even better match for you.. unless you become depressed and loser-ish and angry and bitter, well then you'll be taking steps backwards and dating somebody similar in that respect.

 

If you choose to use this situation to become more, say, understanding, forgiving, flexible, laid back, accepting, develop a new sense of humour, etc etc. Then, your next match will be AWESOME..haha.

 

Kay, hope this made sense.

[barese1]

Woah I followed most of this thread then skipped to the end just hoping you were finally moving on and feeling better. But sadly not..? I think??

 

Anyway, a couple of suggestions.

1)A book to read (if you haven't read it) Awaken the Giant Within:

Awaken the Giant Within: How to Take Immediate Control of Your Mental, Emotional, Physical and Financial: Amazon.ca: Anthony Robbins: Books

It's kinda ish boring at times but helpful with psychology especially when feeling stuck.

2)Flow: The Psychology of Optimal Experience

Flow: The Psychology of Optimal Experience: Amazon.ca: Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi: Books

 

Try to do something every day to fill your head with new information. Like, if you like music (sample a new album every day - you can do this for free), tv (watch a new episode of some show) okay anyway. Your mind needs new info!

 

Lastly, this is my belief.. right now at this stage of my life. No one is THAT special. People come into your life, for a day, for a week, for a year, or a lifetime. They serve their purpose to you and then leave and you're supposed to bow your head and say thank you and let them go. Because now that she is not in your life anymore, you have plenty of time to think. And you can think about why her visit to your life was special and how it changed you and what lessons you got out of it. But.. this thinking is not about control. It's not about getting her back or trying to warp reality into what it isn't. It's about becoming a different person because of the events that transpired. It's about changing your outlook because of what happened on life in general.

 

The thing is that..every person we date, is different because of who we have become and throughout life we are always growing. She was probably better match for you than your previous ex because since your previous ex you had grown as a person. So she was probably more of a match for you because you were more developed and mature. Ofcourse that means there were more feelings involved in the breakup.

 

But the good news is, there is the next girlfriend of the future that will enter your life right?? And by my logic, she will be an even better match for you.. unless you become depressed and loser-ish and angry and bitter, well then you'll be taking steps backwards and dating somebody similar in that respect.

 

If you choose to use this situation to become more, say, understanding, forgiving, flexible, laid back, accepting, develop a new sense of humour, etc etc. Then, your next match will be AWESOME..haha.

 

Kay, hope this made sense.

 

Thnak you for these words. I haven't read those books but I've read so many now that I don't think I can handle more reading!

 

I agree with everything you said though and hope someone will come into my life who is better suited.

 

I had lunch with our mututla friend yesterday and its made me think again. It seems she has really moved on and I'm pretty sure she's with someone else. Fine. The thing is apparently she can't understand why I'm still struggling with this and also said she wouldn't even know what to say to me now, even as a friend. I.e. she couldn't care less about me even being there as a mate.

 

It sounds silly but its made me pissed off with her which is good. I know the anger stage can be the most detramental but I need to have anger towards her and I kind of feel it now. This morning I woke up thinking about her but only because I was angry with her not longing for her.

 

 

I am going to take a week off LS as I feel it makes me continue thinking of her and basically makes me feel like a victim. She pops into my head all the time but now I chase her away angrily rather than full of sorrow.

 

This could be a step in the right direction. F*ck her and what she's doing. Now I hope she's unhappy for the first time and one day I'll get to indifference. This could be signs of me moving on through the stages and hopefully getting past the awful depression.

 

Much love to everyone on this thread. Please keep posting, I will be back and hoprfully in a better place

[Tally123]

Barese1.....I just joined LS and read through your whole thread and HAD to reply to you.

 

I too am going through something similar to you. I became friends with a guy a year ago, nothing happened as he was in a rship. They split and we started "dating" he eventually said he couldnt be in a rship with me and that he was sorry etc. Time passed with NC and he contacted me...to cut a long story short we started dating again for 9 months. As things had been going on for a while, I asked him where I stood for him turn round to me AGAIN and say he was not ready for a rship. I said ok bye then as he was willing to carry on how things were (dating and sleeping together) and I am just not willing to put myself through that.

I am in day 6 of NC. Its soooo hard and all I want to do is text him/pick up the phone.

I know you said you were sick of hearing it, but you do really sound like a great guy. Don't let one person's actions change you as a person or how you feel about yourself. It's so easy to think "am I not good enough", "am I not funny enough". God, the amount of times I have gone through those things in my head.

 

Please come back and let us know how you are getting on. Maybe we can share our progress.

 

Take care!

[barese1]

Hi Tammy - hang in there 6 days is tough but I was in my own world of denial the first few days expecting to hear something. Hows the NC going now? It really does sound like you can do a lot better, seems easy to see things clearly when their not your own relationships.

 

Well I'm not doing great. Its pissing me off so much. Been NC, started some hobbies, time with friends, work, studying going well, start counselling tomo and have even met a nice gril (early days but she does seem lovely).

 

As I've stopped counting the days (felt like it was putting too much emphasis on NC) I think its been 3 months NC now. I can't understand why I'm longing for her more than ever.

 

Honestly a week or two ago I noticed I was thinking about her less and started to see the light. I mean shes moved on, she doesn't even think about me and 99% likely she is seeing someone else...BUTTTTT that shouldn't matter so why does it???

 

I saw her car parked outside her uni house at the weekend and started questioning what it was doing there. Was she there with a new man and using it as a place to have sex??? Who knows....again it doesn't matter but I feel in so much pain.

 

Strange the longing of talking to her is dying but the thought of her being with other men is killing me. I question everything, was I a rubbish lover? Did she ever care? IT DOESN'T MATTER. Even now I'm not sure I've really accepted its over.

 

I just want to enjoy life again. Everytime I feel close to being happy I think of her and it kills me. Time heals only when we do the right things, I'm doing that so should really be in a better place. I don't want to be pining after someone for longer than we were actually together, especially when she really is sooo over it and admitted she saw the whole relationship completely different to how I did.

 

Just want to move on really do. Still have the urge to call but realise no good would come of it...never felt this low before even though people think I'm doing better.

[barese1]

Also this may sound stupid but I could do with some reassurance that I did the right thing.

 

After it was over, and I pretty much told her how I felt I explained I'd have to delete her off facebook and she accepted it was for me to move on. I ended up blocking her instead a few days later because I couldn't deal with seeing anything at all. Turns out she took that as meaning I was angry at her, this is why she never called or text once.

 

That is a good thing right? I mean she wasn't going to say she wanted me back so this is the best for my healing???

 

Aaaaaargghhhh i just want her out of my head, she was just an immature girl but made me feel on top of the world. I look forward to the day I feel nothing but indifference.

[Tally123]

Barese, good to hear from you! I kept checking on here to check your progress.

 

For starters...the whole FB thing. You done the right thing. A day after it was over with my "ex" (Not sure he was ever mine to begin with, but let's call him that for agument sake) I deleted him off FB. I knew as soon as I deleted him, that I would never hear from him again. He might think I was doing it to prove a point, to be petty, but no, I was doing it for me. The same as what you have done. Deleting someone as a "friend" is the best thing you can do on there. Dont question it......things would be a whooooole lot harder if you hadnt.

 

You will feel indifference, I will feel indifference...you know how I know? Because I have been there before. I was with my ex before this for six years. When we split, I couldnt imagine liking anyone ever again, fancying anyone ever again, wanting to be intimate with someone ever again, but of course I did. We all do eventually. It's strange how you can go from loving someone, to them being a total stranger.

 

What happened with the girl you went on a date with? Any prospect?

 

You need to take a step back and see this girl for what she is. Every time I get panicky, every time I really think about what he is doing, whether he is with other girls. I clock into the rational part of my brain, take a step back, and think "its only him".

 

You deserbe better...dont you want to give yourself the chance to meet someone who is going to make you sooo happy and fulfilled?

 

youre doing the right things, keep them up.

 

Tally

[Ruby65]

You think she never contacted you because she thought you were angry -- ???

 

OMG. She never called or texted you because she DOESN'T WANT TO.

 

She doesn't care about you.

 

She never even HAD to move on because she wasn't invested in you to begin with!

 

HOWEVER, she's more than happy to blameshift onto YOU for "being angry".... then she can make it seem as if she's being noble and "respecting your wishes" by never bothering to reach out to you even once.... yeah, right.

 

What a piece of work.

 

Anyway -- congrats on starting therapy!!! Let us know how it goes.

[lovejoy41]

Hello all, I have been following this thread. First of all to Barese, I totally understand how you are feeling due to the fact that I was in a FWB situation and was used as well. He stated he wasn't ready for a commitment all through the friendship, I allowed this to go on because I wasn't in a rush to go into another relationship. We both were coming out of divorces. I allowed this to continue for FIVE YEARS! Eventually I wanted more& got the same answer("not ready") then I find out he has a gf living with him(2011) & that she met his parents in June of this year.

 

I ended our little FWB arrangement from that point. All of this time he was telling me he wasn't ready, but yet he already had built another relationship with another woman. Yes, I had feelings for him and he knew it as well. I don't want to takeover your thread with my story(and forgive me if I did) but RUBY is speaking the truth! We were both used. I haven't seen him in a month, had been in NC 1 week and he texted me. I ignored him. You owe it to yourself to move on. Forget her! I was in a depressed state the week he texted(last wk) at first but this week I'm angry. I have no intentions on breaking NC. I can't lie, at times I look at my phone expecting another text or call but why? He's gone on and even if he did contact me again it's not like I'll answer. And like Ruby said, if they weren't invested in you to begin with why would they contact you? Geegirl also made another great point about being forgettable or memorable. I personally would rather stay NC and one day "MAYBE" they realize that they took you for granted& terribly regret it, but even if they don't you would have healed up enough for it not to even matter.

 

This woman you dealt with is very selfish and you can't blame yourself for that. Ruby is right, it's all about their selfish ways! I realize that this man wasn't worthy of the love that I gave him. It hurts that he chose to give another woman what I gave him, but who's losing here really? He is! Just think, they're going to fall for someone seriously and they might just end up being used too! Like Ruby said, karma will make it's way back around and when it does, it won't matter to you. I know that everyone heals differently, but at least you've been able to date someone else. If you close your heart up because of what she did you may not ever get the opportunity to discover "true love" with another. Don't give her that power. Live your life, and be happy dating others if that's what you choose to do. Start believeing that you will find someone better. It starts with positive thinking. You have to want better for yourself first. She has moved on and it's time for you to do the same. I know it's hard but we deserve better than people who use us up and throw us away like trash. Hang in there Barese, you have 1 more on your team.

Edited August 7, 2012 by lovejoy41

[Xestenz]

 

OMG. She never called or texted you because she DOESN'T WANT TO.

 

She doesn't care about you.

 

 

Hi Ruby. Having browsed this forum for advice to get over my own recent painful breakup, I really appreciate your matter of fact view on this, and I've noted your rather hard line on this point -- that the only reason that someone has left you is because they don't want to be with you, or that they don't care.

 

While this is contigently true in every case, there are a number of underlying reasons that someone might lose interest, or not want to contact you, and a recognition of those reasons might help us get a deeper understanding of what role our own actions played. I don't want to just know that she left me because she lost interest or simply no longer wants to be with me, but why that is the case.

 

The 'why' is undoubtably a very complex interaction of variables, emotions, feelings, thoughts, experiences, etc. But it is very possible in barese1's case that part of the reason she doesn't want to contact him is because she either fears or doesn't want to face his anger. It is helpful IMO for him to know this.

 

I agree that ultimately breakups and relationships come down to pretty simple stuff -- either you are together or you are not, it was either meant to be or not, you either work it out or you don't -- and focusing on this simplicity is a real key to healing. But I do not believe that we can fully remove ourselves as actors in this, for what we do and say has a tremendous influence on how people (including our ex's) both feel about and treat us. Further, what we do and say can itself be informed and modified based on the response of the other person. Underneath, it is incredibly complex.

 

At any rate, I do appreciate your viewpoint as it has really helped me get a handle on what has happened to me and put it into a context that has helped me move forward.

[Ruby65]

Hi Ruby. Having browsed this forum for advice to get over my own recent painful breakup, I really appreciate your matter of fact view on this, and I've noted your rather hard line on this point -- that the only reason that someone has left you is because they don't want to be with you, or that they don't care.

 

While this is contigently true in every case, there are a number of underlying reasons that someone might lose interest, or not want to contact you, and a recognition of those reasons might help us get a deeper understanding of what role our own actions played. I don't want to just know that she left me because she lost interest or simply no longer wants to be with me, but why that is the case.

 

The 'why' is undoubtably a very complex interaction of variables, emotions, feelings, thoughts, experiences, etc. But it is very possible in barese1's case that part of the reason she doesn't want to contact him is because she either fears or doesn't want to face his anger. It is helpful IMO for him to know this.

 

I agree that ultimately breakups and relationships come down to pretty simple stuff -- either you are together or you are not, it was either meant to be or not, you either work it out or you don't -- and focusing on this simplicity is a real key to healing. But I do not believe that we can fully remove ourselves as actors in this, for what we do and say has a tremendous influence on how people (including our ex's) both feel about and treat us. Further, what we do and say can itself be informed and modified based on the response of the other person. Underneath, it is incredibly complex.

 

At any rate, I do appreciate your viewpoint as it has really helped me get a handle on what has happened to me and put it into a context that has helped me move forward.

 

 

Awwww, I'm so glad if you found my posts helpful!

 

I'm just a writer -- I'm not a therapist, I'm just another person here with an opinion.

 

I keep things simple because most people who are recently dumped are trying to believe their situation is unique in some way -- that their dumpers are special and that standard suggestions for moving on don't apply in their case.

 

Usually though, it's not very complicated. Usually people are dumped for one of a few simple reasons and the breakups follow set patterns. Motivations are pretty limited, too. Even the lines the dumpers use to let us down easy are the same...... "I'm just not ready for a relationship right now", "It's not you it's me", "I just need some space", "You deserve someone better", etc. etc.

 

Ultimately, Barese's ex has never reached out to contact him because she doesn't WANT to. She's happy for the excuse -- "oh, I can't because he's angry at me" -- but if she ever wanted to call, she would have.

 

Would it help him move on to read more into it?

 

Personally I think as dumpees we tend to read too much into everything already!

[barese1]

Tally 123 - It sounds like quite a similar situation. I agree the whole blocking thing needs to be done, I guess its just horrible as you realise you are pushing them out of your life, truth is they did that when they broke things off with us.

 

Funny thin is, I've also been there before with another ex. Really didn't think i would get over her, want anyone else, feel indifference but I did. This should give me hope it will happen again, for both of us.

 

I see things rationally but my heart takes over and makes me feel like crap. It doesn't matter if she's over me, if she never cared about me, if she's with other guys, its finished. That is a closed chapter now and I need to heal for myself. It sounds simple but it just doesn't sink in.

 

The girl from the other night was nice. I'm seeing her tonight. I know it sounds like I shouldn't be dating but its been months now and this girl is really nice. In my experience when I start seeing someone new that is nice I forget about the ex a lot quicker.

 

How about you have you started dating yet? Do you think it helps?

 

Thanks for your words they do mean a lot to me.

 

Ruby65 - O how I've missed your no nonsense words. Thank you thank you thank you!

 

"She doesn't care about you.

 

She never even HAD to move on because she wasn't invested in you to begin with! "

 

Those two lines are the truth. The complete truth that I have still been unable to accept. You are so right, she does not care. I always held that she did care because of the things she said and did but they really were empty gestures you are spot on.

 

Also you are right, as dumpees we read too much into anything. As you know thats why I've maintained NC, I don't want to relive every word she said when we speak. I guess I'm at that point now where NC just is, I'm not working at it its just the way things are.

 

There would be absolutely no use in contacting her at all. My problem is it still feels like the BU was yesterday not 4 months ago. That is my issue. Things still seem so fresh but only because I relive them ever minute of every day.

 

Thank you for your posts, please don't stop them!

 

lovejoy41 - Five years FWB?! Wow, and I'm sorry he has started a relationship with someone else.

 

You haven't hijacked the thread at all, some things sound very similar. Yes you are right Ruby and geegirl have hit the nail on the head. We were used, they will have relationships but just not with us. But it doesn't make it any easier to let go does it?

 

I'm STILL not at that acceptance stage, but I should be. There is no reason not to be at that point! Do you feel you're getting to that stage now?

 

I'm glad you're on my team. I agree totally, I became really cynical about not wanting to give my heart away again. I do. I do want to be in love with someone again, but want to receive that love back. Yes I think dating is helpful to me but I may be wrong. Like always, I am just trying everything I possibly can that might help.

 

Are you able to maintain positive thoughts now even after all he has done?

 

Xestenz - Ruby always does have the most simplistic and useful words. There's no sugar coating or false hopes there, and when I look back at her posts I see they are spot on.

 

I have to agree. The only reason she never contacted me is because she didn't care. If she did, not enough to call and speak to me. That really is the only reason nothing more. Obviously she moved on, probably never even had to move on as she wasn't invested as Ruby said, so there really was no reason for her to get in touch. She is just young, selfish and immature. I was simply a fwb and nothing more whatsoever.

 

You have to realise I literally did nothing wrong by her. During the break up she cried as I said it was for the best, how I really felt about her blah blah blah. I don't think any of it made any difference to her feelings as she was never really in a relationship like I was. Those tears were simply that she felt bad for upsetting me initially nothing more.

 

Soooo - Thanks everyone for posting. Please keep them coming. I am off now for my assessment before counselling. I woke up incredibly anxious today. 4 months on and I still have these feelings. I am in desperate need of counselling and have accepted this now. My friends don't know what more they can say or do now.

 

Thank you everyone much love. I hope with all my heart that we get over these people who really shouldn't mean a single thing in our lives

[Tally123]

Barese1...how did the date go?? Will you be seeing her again and how did the counselling assessment go?

 

The hardest thing for me when breaking up with someone is imagining myself with other people, even going on a date. Mine is still pretty raw as was only last week, and although will be hard, I would be open to going on a date for sure. I think it can help or hinder...if you have a good date then yeah course it helps ALOT, but if its not the best if you leaves you thinking about the ex. Though you have to be willing to try I suppose, like anything. We need to get ourselves back on the horse as they say

 

I am having a tough couple of days at the moment. I am finding it harder this week than I was last week. I would never break NC, i know that for a fact, but I find myself wanting to speak to him more and more and trying to remember the good times.....unfortunately when I really think about it I can only count about 2 nice things he ever did for me. Shocking!!! He is currently away and I think this makes me more anxious etc. Before it was anger, now it's the missing him stage...I am waiting for that to pass so that I can maybe go the anger stage. The anger is so much easier for me to deal with for me.

 

anyway, I hope i havent hijacked this with my nattering on.

 

We will get through this. Millions of people get through this ever year, and we will all be the same!!!

[barese1]

Well I have some funny stories dating wise I guess.

 

It went well, and I actually went to see her last night and stayed over. We didn't 'get it on' but it was nice. She is a great girl so we'll see where it goes....just don't have that excitement for her unfortunately but its early days.

 

My housemate actually dragged me along to speed dating on the Tuesday. It was pretty funny. I had 8 ticks of 11 women! Bit of a confidence boost, might meet up with a couple of them as its reallllly early days with the original date lady, obviously if it went anywhere I wouldn't see the others.

 

Today was actually a good day. I thought about the ex quite a bit, but really was just missing kissing her and that rather than missing her as a person.

 

Its like Ruby says, I never really meant anything to her. The fact she's not given a sh*t about me since the BU, its starting to very very veryyyyy slowly dawn on me that I'm accepting it!

 

Tally - I completely agree, a week is not long enough to be dating. But I think there comes a point when you just have to try it. I didn't feel ready, and maybe I'm not but I think it is probably helping me. I won't fall for any of these girls like I did the ex, but having my attention on someone else is nice at the minute.

 

I agree anger is easier to deal with, I get it in waves but its still the depressed and longing stages for me that I struggle with.

 

Exactly, millions get over this, our situations are not unique or different. Just different actors playing the same part.

 

Keep posting on here, every post makes it a little more bearable

[barese1]

So I was down the ebach today with my mate and noticed this girl who kept looking. When her group got up and left her alone I went over and started chatting to her.

 

She wasn't from around here so didn't pursue trying to get her number or anything but I guess its a sign that my confidence is coming back....although I was scared ****less!

[lovejoy41]

@Barese,

 

Of course knowing that they have relationships with other people doesn't make it easy, but it is what it is & holding on isn't going to change that. Matter of fact, for me I think that it would actually make it worse. Either he's going to use the fact that I'm holding on as a ego boost or he'll keep me around as a back-up or booty call & that would really damage me. Esp knowing that I want & deserve more from him than that. I'd rather go to the grave lonely than stoop down to being someone's toy. Eventhough it hurts, thinking about it that way is what drives me to keep moving and not hold on.

 

Everyone heals differently though. So don't beat yourself up for not being in the acceptance phase yet. I just got past the angry phase and I'm entering the acceptance phase. Even in this phase I still cry. I had a dream about him last night that involved me meeting his daughter. It seemed so real. That dream had me in tears this morning. So I felt like I had stepped back for a moment. But it's ok, we loved these people. You will get to that place in your own time. Just remember time itself can't work alone. You've got to help it. I mean you have to want to move on as well. You can't stay in that dark place. If you do you're not giving yourself a fair shot@happiness.

 

I've learned that we can listen to different opinions and be told what we need to do but ultimately you are the one who makes the decisions with your love life. Take your time with dating if you choose. Dating isn't always best for everyone after any kind of bad b/u. You don't have to be with someone to be happy. I've found that when I b/u with someone I'm happier being alone and working on myself. It allows me time to clear my head and enjoy life & that will hopefully make me better for the next man.

 

At first I didn't have any positive thoughts at all. I had truly told myself "This is it"! "I give up!". 7years together/3years married that ended in divorce with one man & now here I am 41 years old, I've invested 5 yrs with this man & he uses me?! I was done with men. BUT you know what? I'm not. I will not allow this man to ruin my chances at real love. It's his loss& that was just 1 man who was too stupid to see that he had a great woman in his life. He's moved on& happy so why shouldn't I be? Nope, if I give up he wins. So, that's why my negative thoughts have become non-existent. Sorry for the long reply. Long story short, we all heal differently but if you believe that you deserve to be loved you'll get to that place. And you will look back at this and say to yourself..."What in the heck was I thinking"? I think everyone on LS who's going through these terrible heartbreaks will get ultimately to that place!

Edited August 10, 2012 by lovejoy41

[barese1]

although I'm pretty certain the ex is with someone else, I'd rather not know for fact for some reason. But I agree it is what it is.

 

I think its slowly but really hitting me now that I wnat to heal. Wnat to move on and forget her. So hopefully with some more time I will fully hit acceptance. As hard as the last few weeks have been I can see some slight silver linings through the darkness. I never really held on to much anger long, I guess I'm just a sucker when it comes to her even though I have every right to be angry.

 

I also agree that you don't have to be with someone to be happy, but I also know that my main issue is thinking about her, constantly. Thinking about who she's with, doing things with them she used to do to me. It shouldn't matter but it does. When I start seeing someone else, they get my focus so it just helps to get those thoughts out of my head.

 

I hope to hell I feel like you lovejoy. In looking back thinking what the hell was I thinking. I do completely with my previous ex. But even now the current ex is everything I want EXCEPT that she didn't really care or want me. That is all that I would change....although that in itself is horrible. Hopefully one day i will meet someone who does love me, then I will look back and think sod her. her loss, it really really is but it doesn't make me feel better right now.

 

Weekends still are the hardest times for me. I tend to not care what she's doing until the weekends. Like I said I'm still ina sh&tty place but I think I'm slowly getting there. By an estimate its 2 and a half months NC. i was hoping to be healed by three but can see this taking some more time.

 

Thanks guys keep posting!

[Dblock10]

dude your be ok, you are young and you obviously were a great catch for this ex of yours to take notice. why are the weekends the worst for you?

 

what do you think about my case, my ex messaged me asking what id been up to and how the music festival was i went to. we hadn't contacted for 5 weeks prior to this message and i had not replied to a msg she sent before this.

 

i know this is similar but slight different to your case as im aware your ex never contacted you and you blocked her. me, we parted last year on ok terms although i didnt want to had no choice.

 

i feel like guilty or bad if i just dont reply, but like you i dont want to just get walked over and hear one day she is seeing so and so. i feel stuck

[barese1]

Cheers dblock, I know I am a catch but it doesn't really help when you are longing for someone else. Sounds stupid but at the weekends I know she'll be out, being pestered by guys or with her new fella doing things she used to do with me. It really shouldn't matter but it still does to me, always hits me Friday - Monday.

 

I have to be honest it sounds like breadcrumbs buttttt I would literally have killed to have got a text from my ex and no doubt would have replied. Just be prepared that your ex will just be making small talk and don't expect anything from it or just ignore it if you 100% want to just forget her and move on.

 

I can't really give you any advice here as that's never happened to em and never will...sigh

[Dblock10]

no worries man, your 25 right? what are your plans do you work full time or? from an outside point of view, emotions not attached to this ex of yours its so easy to say forget her and move on and what she does shouldnt matter, but i get how its so so difficult when your the one in the driving seat.

 

if i was you, from what ive heard from your story it sounds like you feel it was all taken away from you and you hadnt realised that her feelings or emotions were not on par with yours, in fact her values are and always were different to yours.

 

it is hard to know that she was never invested hence moving on for her was as easy as turning the tv on. she is basically no good mate. screw that she was good in bed, plenty of girls are... yeah she was good looking but dude, you got that, you had a piece of that. now find a better piece or another piece.

 

you dont even know that she is with someone else, and even if she is, guess what, shes using them to.. be glad your no longer being used!

 

i understand its her making small talk. and in a way i dont know why i replied, i felt bad for ignoring her i guess. i have no hope for me and her, and i know ill move on eventually, you never know when your meet someone else. and if not i just want to enjoy my life as much as i can. i wont be doing what i did before and staying on fb late at night hoping she would come online so i could talk to her. those days are over.

 

sure id love to see her again in the future and maybe we will meet. but honestly her coming back the first time and for her to leave again at least gave me closure, only thing that grinds me is that she said she still has feelings, yet goes off.. thats a tough thing to take.

 

i wouldn't worry that its not happened to you, in fact this is the first time its happened to me, every other ex iv'e had hasn't bothered staying in touch with me like this one has, so :S its a learning curve for me to.

 

i think for your situation with whats happened with this ex of yours, its actually a good thing. i was with a girl 3-4 years and once that was over 2 weeks later she was with her new bf and she never reached out to me, only once to ask what cable the tv needed..

 

i will be the first to admit how hard it is though and if it does end up being a slow painful experience and she does get a new bf then ill end it all and del block off fb. as to me thats the line id expect the same from her if i got a new gf. no one wants to see that if you have any form of feelings.

Edited August 11, 2012 by Dblock10

[barese1]

I wish I was 25, I'm actually 29 about to turn 30 but pretty much act like I'm 25! Currently finishing my masters and working a crappy part time job. To be honest, I'm not in the best situation right now but am finishing my masters and will concentrate on the next step after that. Bit hard at the moment!

 

Dam right, I need to just forget her and move on but still emotionally there. Its fading very slightly though I think, meeting girls, working out, partying, therapy...I'm doing everything I can.

 

Dblock you're spot on. I really thought her feelings were the same as mine but its painfully obvious that I never meant sh&t to her. As much as I want to be able to just say yeah I had that etc. I guess I still want to be sleeping with her ...how ridiculous that sounds I know after all this time.

 

I've done those things like you, staying late on fb etc. Glad to hear you're past that now. I guess if its making it hard for you then you have to block her from your life.

 

I shouldn't be jealous that you've heard breadcrumbs and I haven't but I can tell you it just makes me feel like I meant f%^k all to her...which is true. I'm sure she's happy with some guy now and I just need to nopt care about that I really do.

 

Sounds stupid but only now am I starting to accept that its over, that she never cared, that life goes on. I still feel sad about it all but I feel slightly better about things now.....finally

[barese1]

Been a strange week to say the least. At the begining I felt so positive, begining to accept things and saw that I was on the journey to moving on. did some strange and exciting things

 

Karate class

Spped dating

Meditation

Saw therapist

Spent the night with a girl

Danced like a crazy man

 

Now finally when I do new things, I don't think to ring her and tell her about all my new events like I did before. this is good and like I said I think I'm begining to get my sh%t together butttttt I still miss her. I miss holding her and kissing her. I hate that we are strangers to each other.

 

Its hard but 2.5 months NC, I guess its the only way. Just venting really tonight

[lovejoy41]

Barese, I think that you are doing really good! I need to get involved in more activities. I went to a family member's b-day celebration last week and I felt better. I'm not at that place yet. As far as looking back and saying "what the heck was I thinking?" but I'm striving to get there. Every emotion that you're feeling you are entitled to feel. I'm forcing myself to get through it. I still miss him and think of him too but I try to switch my mind to something else when I do that. What I've found is that the more you dwell on "I wonder what he/she is doing with the new gf/bf, and why doesn't he or she think of me?, the worse it gets. I've noticed when I think about that I go back into that state of depression.

 

Just give it time. It's great that you're sticking to NC. That alone is a challenge and you're conquering it. So give yourself more credit. You're doing better than a lot of people on here are. No offense to anyone but we all learn and heal in different ways even it means going back and getting burned again and again. No matter in what way, we all learn and eventually heal. So, you hang in there. You are doing good. I'm proud of you. Trust, we will get there.

[Dblock10]

I wish I was 25, I'm actually 29 about to turn 30 but pretty much act like I'm 25! Currently finishing my masters and working a crappy part time job. To be honest, I'm not in the best situation right now but am finishing my masters and will concentrate on the next step after that. Bit hard at the moment!

 

Dam right, I need to just forget her and move on but still emotionally there. Its fading very slightly though I think, meeting girls, working out, partying, therapy...I'm doing everything I can.

 

Dblock you're spot on. I really thought her feelings were the same as mine but its painfully obvious that I never meant sh&t to her. As much as I want to be able to just say yeah I had that etc. I guess I still want to be sleeping with her ...how ridiculous that sounds I know after all this time.

 

I've done those things like you, staying late on fb etc. Glad to hear you're past that now. I guess if its making it hard for you then you have to block her from your life.

 

I shouldn't be jealous that you've heard breadcrumbs and I haven't but I can tell you it just makes me feel like I meant f%^k all to her...which is true. I'm sure she's happy with some guy now and I just need to nopt care about that I really do.

 

Sounds stupid but only now am I starting to accept that its over, that she never cared, that life goes on. I still feel sad about it all but I feel slightly better about things now.....finally

 

 

yeah man! well good things come to those who wait.. well, i wouldnt say you meant **** to her, i think for her she just viewed it differently, like she enjoyed it clearly, but for her it was just fun, girls can do that, much like you can go out for the day ride a motor bike, absolutely love it! then when you get home you can put it in the garage and go do something else and not think about the day riding the bike, she can do that. ride you for the day/week etc then once shes off you.... thats right. tumble weed.

 

yeah im past that man. totally. i replied to her, but not heard back yet. i know i waited a week to reply but i was on the fence. taking my time. and anyway there realistically isnt anything thats going to happen now if ever so shouldnt be a problem. course i hope she replies, but same time its going to hurt knowing what shes up to unless shes coming back. and the chance of that... well. not much.

 

its not ridiculous that you still want to sleep with her, she was good in bed, why wouldn't you want that! but you know her deeper than that, and that she just isnt good for you as a person.

 

yeah i got breadcrumbs but is that good for me? is any of this good for me specially after being told the things she has told me

[Tally123]

Barese1....I cant tell you how much your posts perk me up

 

You really sound like you are doing great. Good news about the girl too. It might not go anywhere, or it might, the good part is that you're getting out there, meeting new ppl etc. Fantastic!

We are all going to have bad days for a while, but those bad days will become less and less I am sure, until you realise "actually I havent had a bad day at all this week"....I am looking forward to it

 

I feel like I am ready to start dating again, but I dont really meet too many guys. People say I can come across as cold (how dare they ha) so I think I need to work on that a bit more, get myself out there.

 

I am finding NC really hard at the moment, but I know it's for the best. I remember reading your posts and how hard you found NC, but you have made it and I doubt you will look back now so I am definitely not going to cave.

 

 

Tally

Well done ol' chum, keep us updated

[barese1]

Barese, I think that you are doing really good! I need to get involved in more activities. I went to a family member's b-day celebration last week and I felt better. I'm not at that place yet. As far as looking back and saying "what the heck was I thinking?" but I'm striving to get there. Every emotion that you're feeling you are entitled to feel. I'm forcing myself to get through it. I still miss him and think of him too but I try to switch my mind to something else when I do that. What I've found is that the more you dwell on "I wonder what he/she is doing with the new gf/bf, and why doesn't he or she think of me?, the worse it gets. I've noticed when I think about that I go back into that state of depression.

 

Just give it time. It's great that you're sticking to NC. That alone is a challenge and you're conquering it. So give yourself more credit. You're doing better than a lot of people on here are. No offense to anyone but we all learn and heal in different ways even it means going back and getting burned again and again. No matter in what way, we all learn and eventually heal. So, you hang in there. You are doing good. I'm proud of you. Trust, we will get there.

 

Hey lovejoy - Its true, you may not feel like doing lots of things but it does help in the long run. If nothing else you are creating new memories that don't include the ex. To begin with it made me want to call her and tell her what I've been up to, but these new things are starting to be mine and mine only now.

 

Aaaargghhh that's so true. Now I keep thinking about her with a new man and it literally drives me crazy. The other emotions and thoughts are starting to die down but that is always popping up and it makes me feel sick to my stomach.

 

thank your words of encouragement really help. I guess as much as I wanted to break NC I knew I wouldn't simply because it wouldn't help get her back but make me feel worse. I just want to not care anymore, she couldn't give a sh&t so it makes me feel like I'm pining over someone who doesn't care. Thats just stupid really.

 

One day at a time though, and as I said apart from thinking of her with someone new I am starting to get there. Yes I miss her, and yes I still would like to talk to her but really whats the point. We will all get there on this site and I suppose as hard as it is I've done all the right things so just need to keep at it. Just hard as last week I really felt a lot better about the situation but the weekend and today its hard, but I will perservere.