NC or friends maybe?

[barese1]

Dude,

 

I've been there, and had dark days like you. Whatever you do, do not fold and break NC. I'm telling you from experience here....

 

Let them realise in their own time that WE have moved on!! (Or are at least trying to!!)

 

Anytime you wanna vent, just post here or shout me back!

 

Cheers mate. I will not fold, I can't right now. She probably doesn't give a crap if I've moved on anyway, its all for me.

 

Hope you're getting through this weekend mate

[barese1]

Gorgeous on the outside.

 

On the inside..... kind of a shallow self-involved bimbo, I'm thinking.

 

The kind of girl that continues to have sex with someone for six months knowing full well that he's falling for her and that she has no intention of ever being his girlfriend.... but keeping him around anyway until something "better" comes along..... just to make herself feel good. What a great person! A true humanitarian. Like Gandhi, but with dirty talking.

 

The kind of girl that DARES to compare herself to the overly-idealized Zooey Deschanel character in "500 Days of Summer"? As a professional screenwriter, I wanted to gasp and then vomit when I read that -- the sheer arrogance!!

 

The kind of girl that dumps someone after six months with one of the oldest, most lame breakup cliches ever written...... "I'm just not ready for a relationship".... I think they've actually uncovered stone tablets from ancient biblical times that had that written on them......

 

PUH-LESE!

 

Speaking of 500 Days..... remember how that movie ends? After saying all along that she doesn't want a relationship, doesn't believe in love, isn't ready, blah blah blah, she marries the next guy she meets. Mmmm-hmmmm. Because it was a lie when Zooey said it and it was a lie when your ex said it.

 

In real life, Ms. 500 Days Bimbo dumped the writer, who went on to become one-half of what is now one of the hottest and most successful screenwriting teams in Hollywood, for another guy because at the time he wasn't impressive enough for her shallow value system..... only to see her stupidity immortalized forever in a hugely successful film. Hmmmmmm...... maybe your ex really IS like that character?

 

She BETTER be gorgeous, because it sounds like that's ALL she's got.

 

(And guess what? Gorgeous fades. Sucks for her!)

 

Just saying......

 

To hell with her. Don't hate life. The universe is conspiring in your best interests!

 

Honestly Ruby, your posts are inspirational to me, not sure what I'd do without them. I want to answe back to what you said but bare in mind I'm not defending anything, I'm not putting her on a pedastal but just being honest.

 

She is honestly the most altruistic person I have ever met, and tries to keep everyone in her life happy BUT you are 100% correct that she shouldn't have continued sleeping with me for 6 months. She did tell me all the time that it wasn't going to be anything serious, ever, but that she really liked me. So I should have walked then but I was hoping it would change.

 

Ha yes she kind of was a dirty talking Ghandi actually!

 

The comparing to Zooey in that film actually really upset her. She felt so bad for being able to identify with that chracter, she turned the film off actually. But she is like her, I'd put money on it she is seeing someone else right now, doing the same thing, so she isn't that nice....or at least naive on what effect she is having on men like me.

 

She is a very beautiful girl, and really means well it just wasn't the right timing. that said I am really drifting between depression and anger which is a good sign. Posts like your remind me I have something to be angry about. I look forward to when the depression fades, but my worry is I'm kind of angry against the world. Not just her. I just hate seeing all these couples everywhere, and I mean everywhere. I hate seeing girls all glammed up thinking they're just gonna mess up some nice guy like me so what's the point.

 

I guess I'm doing better than I was but it still is taking everything not to call her, but I know I won't because I just know that after speaking to her I will miss her even more, and also hearing that she is with someone else would destroy me.

 

This is going to be a hard few days, I can feel it but I keep telling myself not to be a victim, just still can't find joy from anything.

 

Much love

[barese1]

I am still pretty sad...hate to admit it. I go out and smile and laugh and yes have fun! I even see how maybe we were not the right people for each other which is amazing for me to admit but I miss him so much. I miss my best friend

 

I don't know why he hasn't contacted me at all in 8 weeks...he left saying he was still in love with me just was confused and not ready for such a serious relationship (sure after being together 2.5 years), anyway...I am seeing things clearer but I still have to stop myself from contacting him all the time.

 

I wish for excuses to contact him

 

It is hard mssing the friendship. In fact I have a girl mate who I get on amazingly well with but have never tried to go for more because I really do not want to lose the friendship. Its just something you have to let go I guess.

 

Thats the hardest part for me. She hasn't attempted to contact me. I can't attempt to contact her, it will be too hard. I am sorry to say but the reason we haven't heard from them is that they are just moving on. We need to accept that and try and do it ourselves.

[barese1]

Again guys please, please, please keep posting. This is the main source of my strength. I know I repeat myself a lot but the more you drum these facts into my head the more they stick.

 

Right now she can f&ck off, simply because she found it so easy to let go. that makes me angry, and regardless that its good for her, I'm glad its made me angry.

 

Will no doubt be missing her lots tomorrow, but I'll deal with that then.

[RogerWallace111]

Don't break that **** ! I've been NC about a month, and sometimes feel the temptation to get a hold of her (the fact that she wants to be friends/talk badly doesn't help), but I know it would be a terrible ****ing idea in the long run. All the adjustment I've made to this new stage of life would be compromised too much. Sometimes I momentarily find myself thinking "I've gotten used to being single, so why not just call her and start 'friendship' ? I know I wouldn't be ignored, and she'd no doubt affirm for me that she's feeling ****ed up about it herself." But these are all thoughts, as the action of contacting her would be, that are on some level just attempts to cling to the relationship and the past. Unless one were truly making last ditch efforts to get the person back, and thought it was the actual right thing to do, I don't see breaking nc out of one's own personal anguish to be beneficial ever.

 

You're gonna be fine ! **** someone !

[Edtheduck]

How you feeling today mate? Hope you're keeping strong and positive.

 

I'm not great today, my own company and it's Sunday so I'm always down. Hopefully the footy will be something to look forward to.

[Ruby65]

You still have her on a pedestal!

 

It might help you detach if you could see this situation the way it looks to an outside observer who has no investment in only seeing an idealized fantasy version of this girl.

 

This girl is not a friend. The "friendship" you shared was ONLY about making her feel better after her last relationship ended and before her next one begins. She USED YOU for sex and ego gratification after her break-up.... for six whole months, while she healed... knowing full well your feelings for her and not giving a damn if this caused you pain.... because your caring MADE HER FEEL BETTER, and that's all she cares about, herself and how she feels.

 

She finally dumped you -- but ONLY when a man she deemed "relationship-worthy" showed up on her radar and you were no longer needed.... whatever cliche excuse she gave you for ending things at that point was certainly a lie intended to soften the blow and make you feel too flattered to question it ("I care too much to keep seeing you".... yeah, right.)

 

I'd bet any amount of money that the ONLY reason you haven't heard from her is that she's trying to hide from you the fact that she's now seriously involved with her new potential boyfriend and was in fact LYING with her whole "bad timing/just not ready for a relationship" b.s.

 

If things don't seem to be working out with New Guy, you'll certainly be hearing from her again with breadcrumbs so she can set you up as a possible Plan B until the next "something better" comes along -- but for now she wants you "out of sight/out of mind" so she can avoid facing her emotional dishonesty.

 

This is a selfish, immature individual -- but if you want to continue to romanticize her because of physical attributes, that's your choice!

 

I think you'd like to believe that she's just going along in life, treating ALL other guys the way she treated you.... like Summer in that movie, right? Well, remember how the movie ends: Summer goes on to MARRY the next guy she meets. Your girl wasn't ready for a relationship... WITH YOU and only you. That's the harsh reality, here. She's going to have another relationship and most likely broke up with you because she found someone to pursue to that end.

 

I sure don't like bashing other women -- but maybe if you can wrap your mind around that somehow, it'll help you move on?

 

I hope so. We're all rooting for you!

[barese1]

Don't break that **** ! I've been NC about a month, and sometimes feel the temptation to get a hold of her (the fact that she wants to be friends/talk badly doesn't help), but I know it would be a terrible ****ing idea in the long run. All the adjustment I've made to this new stage of life would be compromised too much. Sometimes I momentarily find myself thinking "I've gotten used to being single, so why not just call her and start 'friendship' ? I know I wouldn't be ignored, and she'd no doubt affirm for me that she's feeling ****ed up about it herself." But these are all thoughts, as the action of contacting her would be, that are on some level just attempts to cling to the relationship and the past. Unless one were truly making last ditch efforts to get the person back, and thought it was the actual right thing to do, I don't see breaking nc out of one's own personal anguish to be beneficial ever.

 

You're gonna be fine ! **** someone !

 

Mate this post sounds exactly the same as what I'm going through and telling myself!!! its like you have plugged into my mind.

 

So have you got any advice on how to carry on with NC and help move on? have you broken NC, and how long have you been doing it?

 

thanks for the post. Ha I still haven't ****ed anyone!

[barese1]

How you feeling today mate? Hope you're keeping strong and positive.

 

I'm not great today, my own company and it's Sunday so I'm always down. Hopefully the footy will be something to look forward to.

 

Not good, Sundays are the hardest, but I find Saturday nights hard knowing shes out, and when I was seeing her I would always get a few texts from her even if she was out in town.

 

The football didn't help cheer me up!! Spain are just another level. Hows you anyway?

[barese1]

You still have her on a pedestal!

 

It might help you detach if you could see this situation the way it looks to an outside observer who has no investment in only seeing an idealized fantasy version of this girl.

 

This girl is not a friend. The "friendship" you shared was ONLY about making her feel better after her last relationship ended and before her next one begins. She USED YOU for sex and ego gratification after her break-up.... for six whole months, while she healed... knowing full well your feelings for her and not giving a damn if this caused you pain.... because your caring MADE HER FEEL BETTER, and that's all she cares about, herself and how she feels.

 

She finally dumped you -- but ONLY when a man she deemed "relationship-worthy" showed up on her radar and you were no longer needed.... whatever cliche excuse she gave you for ending things at that point was certainly a lie intended to soften the blow and make you feel too flattered to question it ("I care too much to keep seeing you".... yeah, right.)

 

I'd bet any amount of money that the ONLY reason you haven't heard from her is that she's trying to hide from you the fact that she's now seriously involved with her new potential boyfriend and was in fact LYING with her whole "bad timing/just not ready for a relationship" b.s.

 

If things don't seem to be working out with New Guy, you'll certainly be hearing from her again with breadcrumbs so she can set you up as a possible Plan B until the next "something better" comes along -- but for now she wants you "out of sight/out of mind" so she can avoid facing her emotional dishonesty.

 

This is a selfish, immature individual -- but if you want to continue to romanticize her because of physical attributes, that's your choice!

 

I think you'd like to believe that she's just going along in life, treating ALL other guys the way she treated you.... like Summer in that movie, right? Well, remember how the movie ends: Summer goes on to MARRY the next guy she meets. Your girl wasn't ready for a relationship... WITH YOU and only you. That's the harsh reality, here. She's going to have another relationship and most likely broke up with you because she found someone to pursue to that end.

 

I sure don't like bashing other women -- but maybe if you can wrap your mind around that somehow, it'll help you move on?

 

I hope so. We're all rooting for you!

 

So true. When I see my friends relationships its all so clear to me. When there's no emotions involved it is a lot easier to appreciate the situation fully.

 

I am trying not to keep her on a pedestal, and trying to remember faults in her, but these are simply her lack of ability to commit to a relationship with me. that paragraph about using me for an ego boost...I think you may have something there. I read that a few times and it gives me something to be angry about. Something specific. Thats the first time I have so can't thank you for pointing that out to me.

 

I do know that she wasn't interested in anyone else when we split though. It wasn't a case of having someone already lined up, but, I would bet the farm that she is with someone now so your words do make sense to me, and give me another way of looking at her actions. I love what you say about it being me rather than a relationship that was really what she didn't want. Its harsh but true. I think you're right, the next guy she gets with she will probably commit to.

 

All these things you say are helping me to continue to try and heal but its still hard. Its been 5 weeks NC tonight but I'm still missing her a lot, even when I try to do everything to stop that. I keep getting what if thoughts floating in my head and have to chase them out. I won't break, more out of my own dignity and anger that she hasn't tried to contact me at all.

 

Just hard because in all honesty I'd never been that into a girl and I know the best way to get over her is to meet someone else who values me. Trouble is I'm really not ready to get with anyone else right now but feel I should be. Like I say I'm just hoping that come 3 months NC I'll be feeling a lot better and won't be missing her so much.

 

thanks Ruby

[nocontactsummer]

I guess I just want to thank you all for this thread - it has really helped me today to see there are people trying to steel themselves the way I am right now. Specially you, barese1!

 

I'm only on day two of NC, and it was me who did the dumping -- but really I felt there was no other option. We were together four years, and before that he was my closest friend. A year ago, I found out he had been cheating on me for the entire relationship - he never physically cheated, but he was sexting and webcamming and swopping pictures with so many girls, from co-workers to friends to random girls he just chatted up on the internet.

 

I was devastated and did not know what to do - the love of my life, the man who talked about us getting married next summer, who treated me like a princess, who everyone remarked on how much he obviously loved me... I could not believe it. It was like I discovered a whole different person.

 

Well somehow I forgave him, but a short while later, by which time I was pregnant, I found out he was doing it again. More fool me I listened to his apologies again, but of course he just carried right on. I lost the baby, and I know there are many reasons to lose a baby, but I can't help thinking the stress played a part here.

 

This past year has been 12 months of me losing my mind, spying on his phone, his computer, watching who he is friends with on social media. I have driven myself crazy. By spring, I had not checked his phone/computer since the new year, but I was having panic attacks every day. Then I did the craziest thing and set up a fake facebook to try to catch him. I still can't believe I did it, except I think I was really on the edge of a nervous breakdown by then. Of course he realised it was me, and got as mad at me for doing that as perhaps I should have got at him for cheating on me. I moved out, we got back together, but I caught him IMing a heap of the same girls again, and even though he said it was innocent... yeah right.

 

Well he moved out of our apartment, been gone two months now. Didn't even tell me straight that he wasn't coming back. Then he got mad at me for not telling our landlord we were moving out. But still he didn't break up with me, just all the time 'I don't know..... I don't know.... You spy on me....' But at the same time mad at me cos I told him I would not, could not be friends if we split.

 

Finally he started saying how he didn't see how we could work out, but that he didn't want to lose me... that I am his favourite person, best friend, everything. In the end 2 days ago I had to tell him it was over. He hasn't put up a fight except being mad. Of course part of me wants him to come running back, and much of me is beating myself up for all the crazy psychogirl things I did this past year (have never been that kind of gf EVER before, I've always been the laidback girl) and how I could have saved it. But I guess I have to think of how fixated he got on MY behaviour without ever making any attempt to fix his own. I don't think a single week went by in four years without him cheating on me.

 

Still I miss him, want him back. I move place this week to an apartment on my own. I'm making all these plans to do things, take trips, and in some way I feel a relief for taking control, for the first time in a long year I feel like myself again, like I have my sanity back, but... I hurt so much and am so sad. For all the bad things he did, in all other ways he was an incredible guy who everyone loved, the kindest, sweetest boyfriend, the most amazing sex, so crazy handsome, great taste in everything, I loved all things about him - except for his weak grasp of monogamy.

 

I've been crying a lot these past two days. I deleted him from all social media, but the accounts of his that are public I can still see, and I went crazy today and looked at one of them and saw that in these past two days he started following a girl he cheated on me with. She has a boyfriend and hasn't followed him back, but... it hurt. And then along with that hurt I felt mad at myself for even looking.

 

Well anyway. These are early days. I have no clue if he'll try to get in touch at all, no idea of what he's thinking. I'm just trying to find my steel.

 

To all of you, thanks for helping me out today. And I'm rooting for y'all too!

 

xxxx

[barese1]

I guess I just want to thank you all for this thread - it has really helped me today to see there are people trying to steel themselves the way I am right now. Specially you, barese1!

 

I'm only on day two of NC, and it was me who did the dumping -- but really I felt there was no other option. We were together four years, and before that he was my closest friend. A year ago, I found out he had been cheating on me for the entire relationship - he never physically cheated, but he was sexting and webcamming and swopping pictures with so many girls, from co-workers to friends to random girls he just chatted up on the internet.

 

I was devastated and did not know what to do - the love of my life, the man who talked about us getting married next summer, who treated me like a princess, who everyone remarked on how much he obviously loved me... I could not believe it. It was like I discovered a whole different person.

 

Well somehow I forgave him, but a short while later, by which time I was pregnant, I found out he was doing it again. More fool me I listened to his apologies again, but of course he just carried right on. I lost the baby, and I know there are many reasons to lose a baby, but I can't help thinking the stress played a part here.

 

This past year has been 12 months of me losing my mind, spying on his phone, his computer, watching who he is friends with on social media. I have driven myself crazy. By spring, I had not checked his phone/computer since the new year, but I was having panic attacks every day. Then I did the craziest thing and set up a fake facebook to try to catch him. I still can't believe I did it, except I think I was really on the edge of a nervous breakdown by then. Of course he realised it was me, and got as mad at me for doing that as perhaps I should have got at him for cheating on me. I moved out, we got back together, but I caught him IMing a heap of the same girls again, and even though he said it was innocent... yeah right.

 

Well he moved out of our apartment, been gone two months now. Didn't even tell me straight that he wasn't coming back. Then he got mad at me for not telling our landlord we were moving out. But still he didn't break up with me, just all the time 'I don't know..... I don't know.... You spy on me....' But at the same time mad at me cos I told him I would not, could not be friends if we split.

 

Finally he started saying how he didn't see how we could work out, but that he didn't want to lose me... that I am his favourite person, best friend, everything. In the end 2 days ago I had to tell him it was over. He hasn't put up a fight except being mad. Of course part of me wants him to come running back, and much of me is beating myself up for all the crazy psychogirl things I did this past year (have never been that kind of gf EVER before, I've always been the laidback girl) and how I could have saved it. But I guess I have to think of how fixated he got on MY behaviour without ever making any attempt to fix his own. I don't think a single week went by in four years without him cheating on me.

 

Still I miss him, want him back. I move place this week to an apartment on my own. I'm making all these plans to do things, take trips, and in some way I feel a relief for taking control, for the first time in a long year I feel like myself again, like I have my sanity back, but... I hurt so much and am so sad. For all the bad things he did, in all other ways he was an incredible guy who everyone loved, the kindest, sweetest boyfriend, the most amazing sex, so crazy handsome, great taste in everything, I loved all things about him - except for his weak grasp of monogamy.

 

I've been crying a lot these past two days. I deleted him from all social media, but the accounts of his that are public I can still see, and I went crazy today and looked at one of them and saw that in these past two days he started following a girl he cheated on me with. She has a boyfriend and hasn't followed him back, but... it hurt. And then along with that hurt I felt mad at myself for even looking.

 

Well anyway. These are early days. I have no clue if he'll try to get in touch at all, no idea of what he's thinking. I'm just trying to find my steel.

 

To all of you, thanks for helping me out today. And I'm rooting for y'all too!

 

xxxx

 

I'm glad this thread is helping more than just me.

 

2 Days of NC, you are right at the begining of your journey but from what you say you have definately done the right thing. I am so sorry about you losing your baby, and I can't imagine what that must feel like.

 

From what you say it sounds like it is for the best for you that you are out of this relationdship. You said it yourself, you were going crazy. When you lose trust for someone its impossible to have a good solid, secure relationship.

 

You will miss him even if he was an ar&e though, that's natural. And until you move out and start to have your own life it will be hard. But you have to remind yourself of the bad times with him, the craziness and lack of trust. In a way its helpfull for you that you do have negatives to focus on to dettach some of the rosy feelings you have for him and the relationship.

 

Try to stay away from social websites, I think they're probably the hardest thing when trying to move on. I blocked my ex, but before whilst we were still talking she was friends with me and there was nothing worse than seeing her all dressed up going out, or just wriing things that made it appear she wasn't in any pain at all - blocking her from there has really helped. To begin with her face would flash up in my head, but now I have to think about it because I haven't seen it for nearly 2 months.

 

Hang in there, we're all in this together!

[RogerWallace111]

Man I typed a whole response earlier, at about 10pm here, but then the connection ****ed up and i lost it. At that point, I was feeling fine & optimistic; but now, after 5 hours in and out of weird half-sleep I've forced myself to just sit up for a bit, and am in a pretty dark spot ! Funny how ****ty personal circumstances translate into pain/longing for the ex. I'm simultaneously fine and ****ed up right now... It's just the lack of good sleep talking, but even as i type this I'm getting recurring thoughts of her and wanting her next to me so ****ing badly I could kill for it. It's one of those moments (which mind you I've had very few of recently) where I feel like she is the only thing in the world that could truly comfort me. Not that it translates into any urge to contact her, cause that wouldn't help ! Talking to her wouldn't do **** for me. But I will say that I'm at a moment where even knowing the relationship is best over, like it is, I would gladly hop back into it to be holding her as we speak. It's fleeting, and on/off, as my brain is in a weird mode, but these are the most painful thoughts I've had in a while !

 

 

Anyway - to get back to the more level-headed stuff - I've been NC a little over 4 weeks, after a week of her calling me daily, continuing to tell me she loved me, and all that ****. That was her idea of transitioning into "friendship". Of course I quickly realized the only way I wasn't going to stay hung up on her was to cut her out of my life for a while. She ended it, but my cutting contact with her was like a breakup in itself haaa. It felt empowering though, and was the right decision. (Now having the fleeting feeling where I think how I could just be in touch with her, be reassured she's in pain too, and somehow get her back) Just typing this out makes me feel so much better. I don't know if I have any practical advice on maintaining nc, except again, to keep in your head how pointless getting ahold of her would be. Beside the setback it would of course cause, there's just nothing positive that could ever come out of it. In my case, that means realizing that my two motives for potentially contacting her - a) to be friends just so I can have her in my life b) to try and get her back - would both be simply dragging out the issue. Even if I could get her back now it would just end again !

 

I haven't gotten with another girl yet either. But it's only a matter of time. On the day-to-day I'm feeling pretty upbeat & attractive, and it won't be too tough. Glad you can relate !! I find that simple knowledge that others are going through the same **** more helpful than any piece of actual guidance myself.

 

And it's true, facebook is a bitch ! Unfriended her but saw her face pop up in a mutual friends photo once about a week into nc (strangely enough she was doing some stupid boring ****, with a fake smile on, and after the initial stomach-turn it actually seemed to make me feel better). But I still always have a little fear of her face being thrust upon me through the computer !

 

Keep up the nc, bud ! It will only get easier with time (even if there are tough moments on that path)

[todreaminblue]

Hey loveshackers, I posted the following in another thread and had some advice but I'd like as much feedback from you guys as I can possibly get and I'm a crossroads now.

 

I'll try to keep this brief because I've read some long stories on here and you do drift off but here goes....

 

I met a very sweet, altruistic, intelligent girl who was stunning and absolutely filthy in bed. I was 29 and she was 22. She had just come out of a 6 year relationship (only other person she had had sex with) and met me a couple of months after. From day 1 she told me she never wanted anything serious. We were together for 6 months and by all acounts were boyfriend and girlfriend but she continually told me she didn't want it to be serious but wasn't seeing anyone else and really liked me.

 

One day I realised I had fallen for her and told her how I felt knowing the response. I ended it there and then but as always she said she really wanted to be friends with me. We met once after that but fooled around. I kept telling myself that with time she would come running but then it hit me, she wouldn't. She liked me but hadn't lived her life freely so I cannot blame her.

 

I am nearly 2 weeks into NC. Its really for me to heal not a way to get her back. The thing is I'm struggling to eat, sleep, concentrate, have fun and just be me. I know that I could ring her and meet up and have a nice time, who knows maybe something would happen but I know a relationship is out of the question. Should I keep strong and try and maintain NC or meet her? I know we will never be more than casual or friends but these feelings of missing her are driving me insane. I know what most of you will say, but I guess I need to hear it...

 

Thanks guys, much love

 

 

I would go the nc route in my opinion......she isnt offering what you really need or want.....you will just get hurt eventually instead of now.....the longer you invest time in chasing one dream you are missing out on catching a reality .....deb

[pathetic1999]

It hurts to think he's moving on and I am stuck here being sad....I want to know he's having a hard time. Is that sadistic of me to think he's as sad as I am??? He said he never met anyone like me, I want to think he never will impossible I suppose...My birthday is Sunday he used to make a huge deal out of it and I know inside I am hoping so hard that he will text me at least...but in my heart I know he won't.

[barese1]

Man I typed a whole response earlier, at about 10pm here, but then the connection ****ed up and i lost it. At that point, I was feeling fine & optimistic; but now, after 5 hours in and out of weird half-sleep I've forced myself to just sit up for a bit, and am in a pretty dark spot ! Funny how ****ty personal circumstances translate into pain/longing for the ex. I'm simultaneously fine and ****ed up right now... It's just the lack of good sleep talking, but even as i type this I'm getting recurring thoughts of her and wanting her next to me so ****ing badly I could kill for it. It's one of those moments (which mind you I've had very few of recently) where I feel like she is the only thing in the world that could truly comfort me. Not that it translates into any urge to contact her, cause that wouldn't help ! Talking to her wouldn't do **** for me. But I will say that I'm at a moment where even knowing the relationship is best over, like it is, I would gladly hop back into it to be holding her as we speak. It's fleeting, and on/off, as my brain is in a weird mode, but these are the most painful thoughts I've had in a while !

 

 

Anyway - to get back to the more level-headed stuff - I've been NC a little over 4 weeks, after a week of her calling me daily, continuing to tell me she loved me, and all that ****. That was her idea of transitioning into "friendship". Of course I quickly realized the only way I wasn't going to stay hung up on her was to cut her out of my life for a while. She ended it, but my cutting contact with her was like a breakup in itself haaa. It felt empowering though, and was the right decision. (Now having the fleeting feeling where I think how I could just be in touch with her, be reassured she's in pain too, and somehow get her back) Just typing this out makes me feel so much better. I don't know if I have any practical advice on maintaining nc, except again, to keep in your head how pointless getting ahold of her would be. Beside the setback it would of course cause, there's just nothing positive that could ever come out of it. In my case, that means realizing that my two motives for potentially contacting her - a) to be friends just so I can have her in my life b) to try and get her back - would both be simply dragging out the issue. Even if I could get her back now it would just end again !

 

I haven't gotten with another girl yet either. But it's only a matter of time. On the day-to-day I'm feeling pretty upbeat & attractive, and it won't be too tough. Glad you can relate !! I find that simple knowledge that others are going through the same **** more helpful than any piece of actual guidance myself.

 

And it's true, facebook is a bitch ! Unfriended her but saw her face pop up in a mutual friends photo once about a week into nc (strangely enough she was doing some stupid boring ****, with a fake smile on, and after the initial stomach-turn it actually seemed to make me feel better). But I still always have a little fear of her face being thrust upon me through the computer !

 

Keep up the nc, bud ! It will only get easier with time (even if there are tough moments on that path)

 

Anytime I feel down or annoyed at something else, that pain converts into missing my ex too. Have no idea why, and it drives me crazy. Conversely when I have a good time I also think about her and it builds pain.....urgh! I feel what you say about being simultaneously good and bad, its so strange. the pain can sweep over me at any time and its destroying. I too would kill to have her just sat here with me, even though I know it'll never happen.

 

Well done on deciding to keep NC even after she wanted to be friends. My ex did the same, and as tempting as it is, the truth is if you have feelings for them it will just increase the pain 100 times. I also agree with that, I broke up just over 2 months ago, but NC started 5 weeks ago, it was like two seperate BUs. In truth I feel that NC is the begining of the BU in many ways.

 

Your two reasons for breaking NC are exactly the same as mine. As you say no positive will come from it. In my heart the fact that she hasn't contacting me at all just reminds me she doesn't give a sh^t so contacting her would lead to nothing but pain.

 

In terms of getting with someone else....I just can't right now. I know it would be good for me, she no doubt is doing that, but every girl gets compared to her and they just don't have a chance. Not really in the mood to try it, and if you don't try you don't get so its a crappy downward spiral at the mo.

 

I blocked on facebook. I knew how hard it would be to see her. I was tempted to delete her friends but as I'm friendly with them I didn't. I did delete her sister, but then unsubscribed from all her friends. I am NOT tempted to look at their profiles as I know she will have posted and be in pictures which will make me feel sick.

 

Time time time,,,, thats what its all about. I know deep down that it'll take me months to get over this and in the mean time I will not be doing anything really that positive which scares the sh^t out of me!

[barese1]

I would go the nc route in my opinion......she isnt offering what you really need or want.....you will just get hurt eventually instead of now.....the longer you invest time in chasing one dream you are missing out on catching a reality .....deb

 

I have to go NC I agree. Truthfully I really DIDN'T want a relationship until I was with her for a couple of months and was just blown away by her.

 

The hard part is when you have that dream then it goes away.

[barese1]

It hurts to think he's moving on and I am stuck here being sad....I want to know he's having a hard time. Is that sadistic of me to think he's as sad as I am??? He said he never met anyone like me, I want to think he never will impossible I suppose...My birthday is Sunday he used to make a huge deal out of it and I know inside I am hoping so hard that he will text me at least...but in my heart I know he won't.

 

I think that's one of the hardest things. We know how much pain we're in. And for most of us, the exs really won't be in that much pain. You have to accept that, it can make it easier to feel anger towards them. I too wish my ex was crying over me etc. its not sadistic it simply is due to the fact that this situation is hurting you so bad, you hope it also makes them feel the same way....it doesn't.

 

Try and enjoy your birthday and not care if you hear from him or not. Easier said than done, but once its out of the way hopefully you'll feel better. Keep posting

[barese1]

So today I just feel drained. Drained because I miss someone still who I know is not thinking about me. Thats what makes it harder. You know all this upset and pain is wasted, as in no one cares that they caused it and are not feeling the same way.

 

I am fed up of thinking through in my head what I'd say if I saw her and what I'd do if this and that. I am fed up of going to sleep and remembering when she was here and we would just cuddle after sex and fall asleep together. I am fed up of trying so hard to overcome this and still feeling rubbish.

 

I just want to be happy and not care. That is what I want more than trying to get her in my life becasue I knwo that's the most important thing. I worry that as well as I'm keeping with NC that I will just have a weak moment and break it with a simple 'Hey stranger, just wondered how things are with you?'. what would that lead to? Nothing positive at all. She would be friendly and not be cruel but that indifference and upbeat response she would send me would make me feel worse....I see that clearly now.

 

As time goes by I just can't understand why she did/said so many nice things to me. I say what I mean and don't bullsh^t. Clearly she did. It feels like all girls I get close to in my life do this. I feel like there is no way I could ever give my heart to anyone else again for fear of it being sh^t on again.

 

Just want to forget her but it was the happiest time of my life. God dam I hate love

[RogerWallace111]

Anytime I feel down or annoyed at something else, that pain converts into missing my ex too. Have no idea why, and it drives me crazy. Conversely when I have a good time I also think about her and it builds pain.....urgh! I feel what you say about being simultaneously good and bad, its so strange. the pain can sweep over me at any time and its destroying. I too would kill to have her just sat here with me, even though I know it'll never happen.

 

Well done on deciding to keep NC even after she wanted to be friends. My ex did the same, and as tempting as it is, the truth is if you have feelings for them it will just increase the pain 100 times. I also agree with that, I broke up just over 2 months ago, but NC started 5 weeks ago, it was like two seperate BUs. In truth I feel that NC is the begining of the BU in many ways.

 

Your two reasons for breaking NC are exactly the same as mine. As you say no positive will come from it. In my heart the fact that she hasn't contacting me at all just reminds me she doesn't give a sh^t so contacting her would lead to nothing but pain.

 

In terms of getting with someone else....I just can't right now. I know it would be good for me, she no doubt is doing that, but every girl gets compared to her and they just don't have a chance. Not really in the mood to try it, and if you don't try you don't get so its a crappy downward spiral at the mo.

 

I blocked on facebook. I knew how hard it would be to see her. I was tempted to delete her friends but as I'm friendly with them I didn't. I did delete her sister, but then unsubscribed from all her friends. I am NOT tempted to look at their profiles as I know she will have posted and be in pictures which will make me feel sick.

 

Time time time,,,, thats what its all about. I know deep down that it'll take me months to get over this and in the mean time I will not be doing anything really that positive which scares the sh^t out of me!

 

Back in about the same situation as last night ! Though I don't care too much right now honestly. F*ck it, I'll get good sleep eventually, and she is by no means the answer to any of my problems. Saw her sister at the pub tonight - first time I've run into any of her family. Has yet to get to me or make me feel particularly bad, though. She was pleasant, we spoke for a couple minutes, that was that. Nothing about the ex.

 

Thanks for the "well done" on going nc against her attempts for friendship, haa, cause it really was tough. On one hand I felt like I wanted that female support, and to keep talking to someone who truly was one of my best friends - even thinking that her continuing to have my back would make dating new girls easier, as I wouldn't feel so much like the deprived stag on the prowl. And I think that would have been the case for her, but not for me. Getting to keep me in her life would significantly ease her pain, and allow her to not feel the brunt of the loneliness while she found someone new (she's the needy type who 's never gone a couple months without at least dating someone casually). In fact I've said in other threads that should she have known she'd be losing me from her life for as long as this nc may end up being (sh"t, could be a year or more), I don't know if she'd have had the courage. Cause when I once broke up with her a year back in our relationship, I wanted to stay friends (and we did that, w/ benefits, so it never really even ended). And once when I did/said some pretty screwed up ****, and she wouldn't talk to me for a month, I was pleading with her to at least be in my life as a minor level friend. Meaning she probably assumed I would go for that.

 

I've noticed that, going with the simultaneously fine/tortured type way i sometimes feel, my reactions, etc to this sort of thing are very polar. 4 months into our relationship, after i said/did some out of line **** drunk, she broke up with me (we've had basically 3 "breakups" prior to this one). I seriously cried over it. In front of her. I was freshly in love and it ****ed me up. But then like a week later, she calls me, and I was feeling good again, out having fun. And we picked back up. What I'm getting at is that I have the potential to get seriously hurt/screwed up over love, to the point of straight up crying; but that I also have an inner strength that will always transcend and overcome it all (and she knows this about me). In fact I think it made me desirable to have that sensitivity/vulnerability while having a strong core optimism/strength. Sorry, that was a weird tangent.

 

That's respectable to know you're not ready to put yourself out there. I feel the same way at moments, but 90% of the time I feel ready. Probably cause my relationship had more of a chance to run its' course. Where as yours maybe never picked up to the point that you got to move past the idealization/fresh love stage. I know there are other beautiful, equally sweet/funny/smart girls out there. And I know it for you too - you will see in time.

 

Yeah, I unsubscribed from even more of her friends on fb today. Don't feel like getting blindsided with any sort of unnecessary reminders.

 

Time time time,,,, thats what its all about. I know deep down that it'll take me months to get over this and in the mean time I will not be doing anything really that positive which scares the sh^t out of me!

 

I feel that. Though I am going to continue to do positive/progressive stuff regardless, just the thought of the time it will take to feel fully fine again scares me too. I also want to just be happy and not care.

 

Someday you'll be with a girl who doesn't bullsh*t. Really. And again, like you said, don't give her any "howdy" message... would be completely worthless...

 

Hang in there !

[Ruby65]

As time goes by I just can't understand why she did/said so many nice things to me. I say what I mean and don't bullsh^t. Clearly she did. It feels like all girls I get close to in my life do this. I feel like there is no way I could ever give my heart to anyone else again for fear of it being sh^t on again.

 

 

She said and did nice things to get you to treat her the way she wanted. She enjoyed the affection and the sex. It made HER feel good.

 

An immature person doesn't care about other people. Like children, they think only of themselves and their own needs. She probably has no insight into how selfish or destructive her behavior is. She probably thinks of herself as a GOOD person -- and that she's only been NICE to you.

 

Luckily, karma will catch up with her eventually and in time SHE'LL be the one getting used.... maybe THEN she'll stop treating people the way she treated you.

 

After my last breakup, I really thought it was GAME OVER for me. I thought I had found The One and even though he wasn't a perfect boyfriend I thought he WAS perfect for me.... when that ended I can't tell you how many days I cried.... I thought I'd never find anyone I could love as much as I loved that man.

 

Now it's 2 years later, and I am SO GRATEFUL that idiot dumped me!!!!!!!!!!

 

These people that hurt us and reject us and play games and cause us pain -- they're NOT the ones we belong with.

 

This girl was young and stupid and not nearly good enough for you. She might have raised the barre for you in terms of sex -- which is always a good thing -- but that's not enough for a lifetime commitment to someone.

 

Beauty is temporary..... stupid is FOREVER.

[barese1]

She said and did nice things to get you to treat her the way she wanted. She enjoyed the affection and the sex. It made HER feel good.

 

An immature person doesn't care about other people. Like children, they think only of themselves and their own needs. She probably has no insight into how selfish or destructive her behavior is. She probably thinks of herself as a GOOD person -- and that she's only been NICE to you.

 

Luckily, karma will catch up with her eventually and in time SHE'LL be the one getting used.... maybe THEN she'll stop treating people the way she treated you.

 

After my last breakup, I really thought it was GAME OVER for me. I thought I had found The One and even though he wasn't a perfect boyfriend I thought he WAS perfect for me.... when that ended I can't tell you how many days I cried.... I thought I'd never find anyone I could love as much as I loved that man.

 

Now it's 2 years later, and I am SO GRATEFUL that idiot dumped me!!!!!!!!!!

 

These people that hurt us and reject us and play games and cause us pain -- they're NOT the ones we belong with.

 

This girl was young and stupid and not nearly good enough for you. She might have raised the barre for you in terms of sex -- which is always a good thing -- but that's not enough for a lifetime commitment to someone.

 

Beauty is temporary..... stupid is FOREVER.

 

Haha Ruby, you do always manage to say the right thing at the right time!

 

You are right. I see this now. yes she is a genuinely nice person BUT so immature and selfish that she didn't care if she was hurting me. This is true, I see this now. I would bet every penny I had she sees herself as the nicest person ever and felt she was nothing but nice to me. I agreed with this completely up until now. Not to say she was intentionaly mean, but she was so immature and self absorbed she didn't even care what she was doing to me or my feelings. I FINALLY HAVE SOMETHING I DISLIKE ABOUT HER!!!!!!!

 

The way she looks, and the type of guys who go for her she will no doubtidly get used at someone in the future who she probably cares for. I always knew I was too good for her in terms of the kind of blokes who normally approach her.

 

She raised that dam bar so high in that area, I do worry that I won't find somnething like that again. Although I am confident that I'll find someone who actually ahs feelings for me again one day. The bottom line is I'm doing NC because I have to heal and move on, she's doing NC because she just doesn't give a sh^t.

 

I was missing her a lot today, and really questioning whther just to call, then I read this and it honestly has changed my opinion....today.

 

Thank you so much Ruby

[barese1]

So I really have taken on board what Ruby wrote earlier. It feels good to have something to be angry about. I did realise one thing though today....

 

I went to the gym with my housemate today, he's ripped and I have realised that unfortunately most girls tend to like muscle guys, and as my personality isn't really the real me at the moment, and probably won't be for some time, why not. More importantly I will be exercising regularly. I have also been doing voluntary work, am planning on doing a charity skydive, have changed my whole wardrobe and am probably going back to volunteer with the Samaritans again (for you Americans thats the same as your crisis line).

 

Here's the problem. I thought I was doing all these things for me to heal, grow, move on and remain busy, but I realised today these are all things that I know would impress her. I didn't do this consciously but it hit me today that that is probably my motivation. God even doing positive things to move on is somehow related to her.

 

On a side note I have my graduation in December. Its ages away but I am already apprehensive about seeing her (as long as I maintain NC until then).

 

Just a rant today nothing more. People spoke about her today when we were chatting about the past, it made things really tough today.

[barese1]

Trying to work from home today.

 

Constant thoughts of her.

 

Absolute agony.

[Edtheduck]

I FEEL YOU BRO

 

The caps emphasise how much I'm missing her right now too