NC or friends maybe?

[geegirl]

Hey guys, 21 days of NC, still miss her lots but haven't heard anything, so guessing shes over the whole thing already.

 

Anyway, I know I have asked before and have had the advice but no matter how much I search I can't find a specific thread that deals with this issue.

 

I know I could ring the ex, meet up and be friendly. She would have the courtesy of not telling me about anyone she is seeing etc. Now, I know I've asked this before but I really need to be reminded.

 

What are the dangers of being friends with her? I am not over her, and would want more than a friendship, but surely its better to be friends then not. I haven't feel that I've progressed since we split so am struggling to see what harm seeing her would do.

 

Please guys tell me I'm being an idiot!

 

Thanks

 

 

YOU CANNOT BE FRIENDS WITH SOMEONE THAT AFFECTS YOU EMOTIONALLY.

 

Do you write pages and pages on a public forum about your friends and your troubles with them? No, because it doesn not affect you in such ways. Of course it is better to be friends with a person that has a positive influence in your life but you can't be friends with someone that consistently hurts your brain and heart.

 

Friends is a dumpee's cowardly way of keeping some form of existence in the dumper's life because they're too afraid to accept the reality and to let go. You're trying to justify a friendship when you know deep down inside you just cannot muster it.

 

If your best friend came to you today, and it was a female and she said I am having wild torrid sex with this great guy. You'd be patting her on the back and saying you're happy for her. If this woman, who now is supposedly your friend came to you and said she is having sex with this guy 20 different ways each day, what would you do?

 

Your junkie mind is trying to brainwash you into finding a fix for your pain. Just like an addict will justify that just one more snort or one more drink won't hurt, that's you.

 

You've seen it here a million times and I even told you why you can't be friends with someone you are emotionally tangled with. You have not forgotten the dangers. You know them but you just want someone to tell you otherwise. Print out all your threads. Even print out the ones of other posters crying over breaking NC and read them whenever you feel like caving or feel like that junkie mind is getting the best of you.

 

The woman does not want a relationship with you, let that be what sets you free. You know what you want and what she wants are of opposite sides of the world. No amount of manipulation or delusion will change that.

Edited June 19, 2012 by geegirl

[barese1]

That's what I needed to hear. Whenever I feel I'll call her I'll post on here instead and hope someone shouts some sense into me. I appreciate the honesty and like that you don't hold back.

 

Ruby65, you're right I'd be gutted if she was with someone soon, it would make me feel that it was me rather than her not wanting a relationship.

 

Geegirl, your posts really give me strength, thank you. You're totally correct, if my girl mates told me that I'd be happy for them, with her I'd be devasted.

 

The one and only reason I keep thinking about trying to maintain a friendship is this....and I know how stupid it will sound as she has told me countless times she does not want a relationship. Just before I broke it off she admitted she was about to end it. I asked why, and she said she was developing strong feelings for me and was worried it would be too hard to break it off if she fell for me. This makes me sound manipulative but I keep feeling that if she spent time with me, those feelings could develop and she may change how she feels. If I hold NC this will never happen.

 

Honestly though, all I want is to move on and heal so am sticking to NC, but the truth is its actually getting harder, not easier as I hoped. Its actually 22 days now since we last spoke and I am thinking about her less, but the thoughts are more painfull. I just want to not care anymore!

[barese1]

O and I will indeed print this thread out, you guys are helping me so much please please keep your words coming.

 

Much love

[barese1]

Woke up feeling anxious as hell for some reason today. Butterflies in my stomach and I'm shaking, dam this

[Ruby65]

What you're feeling is perfectly normal. 21 days isn't very much time.

 

If you stick to NC, you're going to be feeling MUCH MUCH better in the future, but it's going to take a while longer.

 

One helpful -- but harsh -- piece of advice I read in a breakup book was that whenever someone says they don't want to be in a relationship, what they really mean is that they don't want to be in a relationship with you. And that these very same people will go on to have a relationship with someone else after breaking up with you.

 

I'm only sharing this because if you can free yourself of the notion that contact with you will change her mind about being more than casual, sticking to NC will be a bit easier, don't you think?

 

You're getting through the worst of it now -- it DOES get better! I was a basketcase after my last breakup...... I never thought I'd have that kind of connection with anyone ever again.... now I'm with someone so much more amazing that I'm actually GRATEFUL to have been dumped!

Edited June 20, 2012 by Ruby65

[barese1]

What you're feeling is perfectly normal. 21 days isn't very much time.

 

If you stick to NC, you're going to be feeling MUCH MUCH better in the future, but it's going to take a while longer.

 

One helpful -- but harsh -- piece of advice I read in a breakup book was that whenever someone says they don't want to be in a relationship, what they really mean is that they don't want to be in a relationship with you. And that these very same people will go on to have a relationship with someone else after breaking up with you.

 

I'm only sharing this because if you can free yourself of the notion that contact with you will change her mind about being more than casual, sticking to NC will be a bit easier, don't you think?

 

You're getting through the worst of it now -- it DOES get better! I was a basketcase after my last breakup...... I never thought I'd have that kind of connection with anyone ever again.... now I'm with someone so much more amazing that I'm actually GRATEFUL to have been dumped!

 

Thank you Ruby. Again its posts like this that give me strength. I have to agree with that statement, if I was the right person for her we would be together and I really wouldn't be surprised if she's seeing someone now. I guess I'll never know though as I am keeping NC.

 

I really hope it will get better, I was so positive it would at the start but it just feels harder and harder with each day. Like I say I think of her much less but with more intensity of emotions when I do. Please keep posts coming they save me from feeling alone.

 

Much love

[Ruby65]

I think it seems easier in the very beginning because there's still that hope that this is only temporary or that you'll be hearing from her right away saying she made a mistake.... but as the days go by and it's a few weeks down the line and that call doesn't come, it becomes more permanent and more real that you've broken up. That's how it was for me, anyway.

 

The thing is, you WILL most likely be hearing from her again. It's very very rare for exes to just disappear forever. I have exes from 10 years ago who still pop up!

 

Just because she's not contacting you right now doesn't mean she's forgotten you.

 

It just means at this point in time, she's taken you for granted and wants to see what else is out there. We hear from our exes 3 months, 6 months, even years later because it's only THEN that they appreciate you and what you had together!

 

So her opinion of you might not be so high at the moment.... but rest assured as time goes by it's only going to get higher.

 

NONE of that needs to interfere with you and your healing and moving on, though! YOU are the sex bomb and the hero of this story and will go on to have way more amazing relationships than the one you briefly shared with this incredibly young and immature person who was too stupid to appreciate what she had when she had it!

 

To hell with her.

 

I PROMISE you, that was NOT the best sex you are ever going to have in your life!!

 

The day will come when you will look back on her and shake your head and wonder, "what was I thinking...... ?"

 

Stay strong. You're doing GREAT.

[Irishman2384]

Hey Barese1, I know your pain and frustration. You're not alone and that should be some type of reassurance.

 

I myself broke up with a girl I had been with for 7 years and this break-up was stemmed from a girl that I was so head-over-feet with. She's Hispanic, beautiful, petite, has amazing eyes and a beautiful smile. To me, an all around bombshell. She was the primary reason I split with my ex, as I wanted to be with her. We laughed together, had intellectual conversations, went out and had great times together and spent days at her home just veggin watching movies. Every moment spent with her was a pleasure.

 

We talked/dated for about 6 months and I find out she wants to give her ex another chance as she still loves him deeply. Her and I exchanged I love you's at this point in our relationship and I know she meant it because I could see the hurt in her eyes and face when she had made her choice. She said I was the best of everything she wanted out of him attraction and passion wise and he had the spirituality and family values that she wanted in me. Her choice destroyed me. I went weeks with thinking of her at every passing moment.

 

Oh, I forgot to mention, I work with her and have to see her EVERY DAY. Just remember when you think you have it bad, there's a 100% chance that someone has it worse (this helped me at my most difficult of times). How am I doing now? I'm doing pretty good, honestly. We talked a few times after she had told me what her direction was and I told her I could not be friends with her because of the choice she was making. She accepted it and that was the last we talked for almost a month.

 

I get an e-mail at work one day (I changed my number, deleted her off face book, etc.) of her just saying hi. I of course replied because I still love her and care about her and would never blindly ignore her, I can't. That does not mean I will reach out to her and text or call her because I am GUARDING MY HEART. This is something you will be capable of doing once you make it through a heartbreaking, crushing, destroying break-up. Why? Because this type of pain is one of the worst types of pain you can feel. The pain is so severe it's almost like a family member has died.

 

Some tips from someone who is RECOVERING but not fully recovered, who still has contact with the ex, still sees her and is still friends with her.

 

Remember the good times and take them solely for what they were. Good times with someone who was special to you and, at the time, you were special to them. It was a pleasure, an honor, to have someone care for you like that in their life, even if the time was short lived. If she moves on to another guy, so be it. You were there first.

 

If remembering the good times is too much, as it can be sometimes, trust me, think of this. It was HER choice. You gave it your all, totally dedicated to this person. You wanted to be their one and only. Did they want that from you? She said she broke it off NOW because her feelings would be so strong in the future it would hurt her more to break it off further down the road. She had no intentions of going the long haul.

 

I did things for this girl, romantic, sweet things. Stopping out of my way to get her a rose and card. Leaving sweet notes for her or buying her chocolates. Looking back, she did take me out to lunch and breakfast a few times but when it came to romantic gestures, I never got any. She is my friend but I feel like a fool sometimes. EMOTIONS make us do stupid things, like we're on drugs. This is almost motivation for me to move on. I put in more than she did. Does that mean she didn't care about me? No, not at all, but it wasn't 50/50. One person cannot love or care about the other more or less. It has to be equal ground/footing.

 

I'll sum up this post (yes, I am venting a little too as I still love her and have to see her every day and we still chat) - reminding yourself these things will help you move on. Remember, I took the, break up but let's remain friends route, which is probably one of the most difficult things I've ever been through/am still going through.

 

- Did you invest more into the relationship than the other? If yes, remember this and think of it when you think of her.

 

- Was it your choice to move on or hers? If it was hers, same as above.

 

- You know, deep within your heart, you would have dedicated everything to this girl, given it your all and been the best man ever to be in her life. Would she have done the same? DID she do the same? No? Remember that.

 

- REMIND yourself, you WILL find another girl who makes you feel like she did. IT WILL HAPPEN. The trick to this is, you need to be at a point in your life where you're not LOOKING for it. Go with the flow of life. When you see running water or a cloud floating by, think THAT'S ME, in my life right now regardless of what woman wants to be a part of it.

 

I found the thinking of bad qualities, berating this girl and beating her up in your head route to be unrealistic. You love this person for a reason. Obviously the positive with them outweighed the negative. Instead, think about the decisions THEY have made and what decisions YOU can make to improve your life and general well being/happiness.

 

I promise you Barese1, you will find a girl who you find just as attractive, who will make you as happy (or happier) because she will want YOU and will reach out to YOU to be in your life for the long haul. Remember, when you're at a good point, you need to GUARD YOUR HEART. This will help avoid these painful situations. When you meet a woman who will finally get that guard down, she will be right for you.

[Irishman2384]

Oh and to add to the experience I went through / am going through (which will help you in hindsight). This girl still flirts with me at work (this is the only place we talk now). She broke NC after almost a month. She takes things from my desk and tells me she is playing with them. I get the stuff back and she has written all over it telling me she brought it home with her.

 

I know she is still attracted to me, there is no doubt in my mind. Am I trying to reestablish things with her? Absolutely NOT. I am where I am because of HER choice.

 

I did tell her yesterday that I missed her and she got upset at me and told me not to tell her things like that, which did confuse me. And when I say I missed her, I meant that I missed her being part of my daily life (outside of work etc). For the record, I am not hoping for anything to happen again between us but if it does or the opportunity is there, this time it will be on MY TERMS.

 

YOU CAN DO IT BARESE1 - just remind yourself of the things I mentioned above. One day it will hit you. "Damn, just now is the first time I thought about this girl today..." when you used to think about her every minute. I am to this point now. Sometimes I get stricken with a severe pain in my heart when I think about her and some of the amazing times we had but the pain subsides rather quickly and I go back to not thinking about her. This is the road to healing. I as well as you, will eventually get to a point where there is NO PAIN associated with these memories. Just maybe a smile and a little indifference.

 

If I can do this while seeing this girl every day, loving her, still talking to her and being her friend, you can too. There is no doubt in my mind.

[barese1]

I think it seems easier in the very beginning because there's still that hope that this is only temporary or that you'll be hearing from her right away saying she made a mistake.... but as the days go by and it's a few weeks down the line and that call doesn't come, it becomes more permanent and more real that you've broken up. That's how it was for me, anyway.

 

The thing is, you WILL most likely be hearing from her again. It's very very rare for exes to just disappear forever. I have exes from 10 years ago who still pop up!

 

Just because she's not contacting you right now doesn't mean she's forgotten you.

 

It just means at this point in time, she's taken you for granted and wants to see what else is out there. We hear from our exes 3 months, 6 months, even years later because it's only THEN that they appreciate you and what you had together!

 

So her opinion of you might not be so high at the moment.... but rest assured as time goes by it's only going to get higher.

 

NONE of that needs to interfere with you and your healing and moving on, though! YOU are the sex bomb and the hero of this story and will go on to have way more amazing relationships than the one you briefly shared with this incredibly young and immature person who was too stupid to appreciate what she had when she had it!

 

To hell with her.

 

I PROMISE you, that was NOT the best sex you are ever going to have in your life!!

 

The day will come when you will look back on her and shake your head and wonder, "what was I thinking...... ?"

 

Stay strong. You're doing GREAT.

 

Ruby this literally made me well up!! Not out of saddness but just out of how much it touched me. Everything you said felt like someone who really knows me telling me what I need to hear - this is one of my favourite posts EVER.

 

I know I am a dam sex bomb and a catch, every girl mate I have tells me, and so do all my exs. In fact the only thing I would disagree with you is about hearing from her, but thats probably a good thing. I've fallen in love three times, each time we broke up because although the other loved me they weren't ready for a relationship or weren't totally in love with me. Every break up was amicable but yet none of them contacted me ever. That is what I expect here, but again its probably for the best.

 

She will indeed see when she's older that I was a great guy, but I don't care about that. I care about moving on and being happy....and I care about NOT caring. When I can just be me and not worry about finding someone I'll be happy. That's the time I will probably meet the right person.

 

Again thank you so, so, so much Ruby, those words really touched me and gave me the strength today to just try and put it past me.

 

You have no idea what all you loveshackers mean to me and how much you are helping in my struggle!

[barese1]

Oh and to add to the experience I went through / am going through (which will help you in hindsight). This girl still flirts with me at work (this is the only place we talk now). She broke NC after almost a month. She takes things from my desk and tells me she is playing with them. I get the stuff back and she has written all over it telling me she brought it home with her.

 

I know she is still attracted to me, there is no doubt in my mind. Am I trying to reestablish things with her? Absolutely NOT. I am where I am because of HER choice.

 

I did tell her yesterday that I missed her and she got upset at me and told me not to tell her things like that, which did confuse me. And when I say I missed her, I meant that I missed her being part of my daily life (outside of work etc). For the record, I am not hoping for anything to happen again between us but if it does or the opportunity is there, this time it will be on MY TERMS.

 

YOU CAN DO IT BARESE1 - just remind yourself of the things I mentioned above. One day it will hit you. "Damn, just now is the first time I thought about this girl today..." when you used to think about her every minute. I am to this point now. Sometimes I get stricken with a severe pain in my heart when I think about her and some of the amazing times we had but the pain subsides rather quickly and I go back to not thinking about her. This is the road to healing. I as well as you, will eventually get to a point where there is NO PAIN associated with these memories. Just maybe a smile and a little indifference.

 

If I can do this while seeing this girl every day, loving her, still talking to her and being her friend, you can too. There is no doubt in my mind.

 

Irishman thanks for your words too. First let me say I'm sorry to hear how sh*t your situation is but if it helps I was once in a similar situation. I was seeing someone for a year and a half then we broke up. I had to see her everyday for the next 6 months which was agony. Especially when she was with someone else. I can safely say I have never been lower than I was at that point. I somehow made it through, by doing the things you did. I can look back at that whole situation and just laugh it off now.

 

I will remember the good times for what they were

I will remember I gave it my all but it wasn't enough for her

I will meet someone better one day, only when I am moved on and healed

 

Your post has again given me strength. Whenever I find myself feeling weak I will come back to this thread and read every post. You guys are right, I will get through this but it will take some time. All I can do is keep at it, NC, bettering myself and accepting reality.

 

The only thing I would say about your situation is it appears that being in contact with your ex is what's stopping this being so painfull. I mean that you are still getting your "fix", but would you prefer it if you could completely avoid each other? Do you think you can ever heal if they are in your life like that?

[Irishman2384]

Barese1 - I'm not going to lie. Seeing her every day is hard, it is. There's no doubt I would love to be with her romantically but I have to be realistic. This was her choice. I respect her, I care about her, I love her...

 

With that being said, I have to respect her wishes. I would rather show her on the outside that it doesn't bother me. I get the opportunity to do so. Occasionally I will say something to her, like I did yesterday, to let her know I still care and although her response confused me, I've come to realize that she still cares too, which is why she can't hear me saying such things...it instills emotions in her that she can't / doesn't want to feel because she is trying to work things out with her ex.

 

I was burned in a bad fashion and for those weeks of no contact, work was weird, awkward. I hated coming to work because when I did see her, I would go the opposite direction, wouldn't make eye contact or say hello. The no eye contact or speaking cordial to one another for me, lasted a few weeks. I got to a point where I was over it. I'm a grown ass man and I'm not going to let a girl who I wasn't good enough for, make me come to work and feel miserable. I started looking at her and smiling, waving etc. and she wouldn't return the gestures... I could see the shame on her face. This was satisfying to a degree but I didn't want to see her in pain or distress, because of the way I cared for her. She has a friend here, who I am friends with, who would sit with me at lunch and ask weird, random questions about my relationship status, if I was happy, if I still quit smoking cigarettes etc. and being born at night but not last night, I picked up on what was going on. She was grilling me for information, for this girl.

 

What did I do? After answering all the questions, I told her that I still loved this girl and still cared for her very much and it didn't have to be this way at work. I told her I missed her and at least wanted to be cordial here. What happens? That same day is when she broke NC and e-mailed me. Since then, I've e-mailed her a few times, she asked to go on break with me, which we did. Every time I was myself, the guy she fell for and is still attracted to and cares for. I'm not going to push anything or ask any probing questions, I am going to be myself. If this changes things in the future and she wants to be with me again, like I said earlier, it will be on MY terms.

 

It's hard but you know what? Girls here look at me all the time. I know I am attractive and I know that I have so much to offer. I know I will make a girl fall in love with me again one day and this girl will make me feel like my ex did, if not happier simply because she will want and desire to be with me for ALL of my characteristics, not just my looks and the passion that I offer. Confidence in a man is something that attracts women, the alpha male inside all of us, and for a while there, I had a total lack of it because of what this girl did to me. Sometimes I still feel the lack of this. I'm not completely over her. I likely won't be for a good while, but I've accepted that. I've accepted the pain that will rear it's ugly head every so often. But I've also accepted the fact that she is NOT and WILL NOT be the end all, be all female in my life. I've felt this way before over past lovers and when I sit here and think about them now, guess what? I don't hurt, I don't long for them, I don't miss them. Granted, this girl is better looking, and in my opinion, a much better woman than most of my ex's, I will eventually feel the same way.

 

Right now, I'm at a point where I do still think about her but it's not nearly the way it was. I remember DREADING not talking to her, even for one day. It killed me. I literally whimpered like a little boy over this girl at points. I went through too many bottles of Jameson. Now? I'm good. I miss her, I want to talk to her outside of work, but I don't. When I want to, I simply remind myself that: This was her decision. If she really wants to talk beyond work, she knows how to ask for my number or to send a friends request on face book. If she doesn't, then she's okay without talking to me. If she's okay without talking to me, I'm okay without talking to her. You need to empower your logic over your emotions. It's your life, your body, your brain. You WILL get to a point where you can go most of the day without specifically thinking of her and when you do, it may hurt, but the hurt fades rather quickly.

 

I have told myself, and accepted, that I will not be over this girl for a long time, simply because I work with her. Honestly, I estimate another 4-5 months and I won't be surprised if it takes longer. I've also accepted it takes just as much effort for me to be sad, sitting there sulking and constantly thinking about her as it does to make my thoughts happy and to know inside that I need to love myself and focus on myself and I choose myself. ALWAYS choose yourself. Hell, even when we're sitting on break together or talking via e-mail and I start to ponder on my feelings for her, I quickly remind myself of ALL of the points I mentioned previously and they get tossed to the curb temporarily. THAT'S my quick fix.

 

What has helped the most? This website. Knowing people are struggling just like you. Knowing you're not alone in your heartbreak. A PAIN SHARED IS A PAIN HALVED. Talking about it helps. Getting it out helps. Reading about other peoples similar situations helps. It's a common bond we all share here at LS. Bonding with others, smiling, laughing, providing great advice, all of it helps.

 

All in all Barese1, working with her and choosing to be work friends and chatting via e-mail, going on break etc., it doesn't help, I know this. And I also know that some people couldn't do what I'm doing (I refuse to quit my awesome job over this girl), but I also know that I'm a great person, I have a lot to offer, I'm attractive, funny, passionate, hard working, dedicated, spiritual etc. I love myself more than I love this girl and thus, I refuse to let her be an emotional bane. I'm TOO GOOD FOR HER. I know this now. This road has been steep, rocky, painful and dangerous, but it's starting to level out now, I can feel it. We don't talk every day and sometimes I refuse to e-mail her until she reaches out to me first (for obvious reasons). I'm working on accepting the fact that one day, it's highly likely that we will completely drift apart because we strictly talk at work and we won't be working together forever. When that point in time comes, I will be prepared (this ties into not reaching out to her all the time and letting her contact me first). If she reaches out to me after this point, via face book or if she has asked for my number again by this point, so be it. Things will remain casual until she makes it obvious what she wants. If that time comes, I'll be setting the ground rules. If it doesn't come from her, it will come from another girl, eventually. There is no doubt.

 

Remind yourself YOU'RE IN CONTROL, YOU LOVE YOURSELF, of the great qualities you have, how confident you are. You will make it through, I promise.

[barese1]

Hey Irishman, that does indeed sound like a much tougher situation, I don't envy you at all but it sounds like you are being strong and have the right mindset, so good work! I don't know if you've posted your own thread on here but it may be worth it as everyone is really supportive and it does help reading the posts that people put up.

 

I understand showing it on the outside that it doesn't bother you even when you want her back. I agree with that completely. For me though, and through people's posts, I could attempt that but I think it would delay my healing. As I have the option to remove her from my life I think that's the best thing for me otherwise I will always pine over her and want her back, even if I don't show it.

 

I feel what you say about confidence but it sometimes lacking. I've always been a super confident person, girls do love this, but after a rejection it seems to disappear for a while. I think your timeframe of 4-5 months is realistic and I hope to be 'clean' after about 2-3 months myself.

 

I still wake up in the mornings feeling terrible and its only halfway through the day I start to feel better. Thats the killer. Also knowing they aren't sitting around thinking of us makes me want to get over her faster, but I have reached the most difficult point so far.

 

I think its probably down to what Ruby said. After a while of NC, you truly realise they will not be getting back to you. And you have to start accepting it is over. I'm still at this point I guess and hust need to perservere.

[barese1]

Hello all,

 

So I've read everywhere that its good to keep an emotional journal day by day, and I figured I might as well post on here so you guys can help and also just so everything is in one place.

 

Its now day 25 of NC (wow) and I am making headway. I'm actually an MSc Psychology student so have been trying to apply behavioural techniques to stop thinking about her as much, and with less intensity.

 

To put it in perspective, the first week we broke up I though about her 50 times a day on average (yes I have been recording it, anything to see some positive progress) whereas this week its currently 15 times a day on average. I guess things are working if I'm managing that, so yay!

 

Today I again woke up rather anxious, late and generally crappy. I realise I think of her less but the intensity of emotions are still there. Its funny how I've actually forgotten some of the things we did together, and the nice things she said and did for me when we were together. I am starting to feel jealous of the thought with her and other guys but hopefully this will fade with time, just have to believe it will.

 

Mutual uni friends of ours who I haven't seen for a couple of months (trying to stay clear of the same circles, talking about her, etc) really want to see me next week at uni. I want to go, I was close with them, but I also know she could be there, or at least they will relay info to her (if she even cares!?!). So I'm thinking about giving it a miss. If I saw her I could act strong and be myself in front of her but I think it would take me back to square one, in that I would want to call her all the time again. That is slowlllllllly fading, missing her isn't, but the need to reach out to her is I think.

 

Anyway loveshackers thank you all for your input and keep posting. Every single word is read and digested and most of it really helps.

 

Much love

[barese1]

Hi guys so day 26 of NC. I am thinking of her a lot lot less, but much more intensely. I ahd my second dream about her last night since the BU. Was horrible waking up after that.

 

I actually feel lower now than I have for some time and picture her face a lot more now, this wasn't an issue before. Any advice about whther I should meet our mutual friends next week, see my last or second from last post!

 

I have written the followin post in coping but will maybe put it in the break up forum too. I wish I could follwo my own advice!

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/coping/332144-how-heal-how-win-your-own-battle

[Ruby65]

I wouldn't meet with the mutual friends.

 

Especially not if there's even the remotest possibility your ex might show up. Why subject yourself to that?

 

You've come SO FAR..... consider where you started from! You're in a bad place right now, but remember the words of Winston Churchill (anyway I think it was him!):

 

"When you're going through hell.... keep going!"

 

Also remember: the only way OUT is THROUGH.

 

Keep going -- you're doing GREAT!

[barese1]

Thanks Ruby, also glad you liked the guide I wrote. Its really more for me than anything else I guess.

 

Strange I know what I should be doing and still have trouble letting go...

 

I know, it'll be hard to say I can't meet them but its for the best I guess. Still that nagging feeling of 'so what if the ex is there, I'll put on a front and be looking great and be funny, confident and charming, so she will see what she's missing' she won't. She will think, aww glad he's doing ok but not want anything more.

 

I have no choice but to keep powering through. I think after a certain amount of NC it will finally hit me that nothing more could ever happen. I'm still at that first step of wanting to meet up and see what happens......but I know nothing will happen!

 

Just want to have more good days than bad but still not there. That dream really knocked me back, it really doesn't happen often. My exs always move on so quickly, I just want to be like that really!

 

Thanks again for your posts, they literally mean the world to me

[saving-me-slowly]

Good luck barese1 - you are doing really well, i'm proud of you! I keep checking back on this thread to see if you've maintained N/C.

 

I am going through it all myself, it's tough, it's hard, but it's supposed to be hard. We all deserve to find our special person, but they're not always who you think they are.

 

The advice on this thread is fantastic - and leaves me with very little to say!

 

Give yourself time. You are doing great.

 

xxx

[barese1]

Thanks saving-me-slowly, I love the support I get here! So 27 days today.

 

Honestly? Worst day yet. I'm worrying if my feelings don't change then this whole NC has been a watse of time.

 

I just want to move on and not think about her! I just want to be normal.

 

I'm gonna try and power through, but I'm starting to feel like giving up. If I'm this low I can't see anything making any difference. Lowest point so far, lets hope I snap out of it!

 

Much love

[Ruby65]

Okay -- what are you doing to help yourself feel better? Maybe it's time to take stock and see if there are any areas you can improve upon.

 

Are you exercising vigorously every day?

 

Are you talking with friends / seeing them? Are you isolating yourself socially?

 

Are you giving yourself good care -- sleeping enough, eating well, drinking lots of water?

 

Are you doing anything for FUN?

 

Based on my personal experiences, I was never feeling really good or happy during the first month of NC, no matter what I did, although I did find lots of exercising and being with friends helped. Also I used to wrap myself up in blankets on the sofa and watch entire seasons of different tv shows on DVD. And pouring my heart out on forums like this one!

 

If you stick with NC, you WILL feel better.

 

The thing is, the process is different for everyone, so there's no way of knowing how long it's going to take before you start to feel more like your normal self..... only that it WILL happen at some point.

 

Is there anything you can think of that would help you feel a bit better right now, today?

[barese1]

Okay -- what are you doing to help yourself feel better? Maybe it's time to take stock and see if there are any areas you can improve upon.

 

Are you exercising vigorously every day?

 

Are you talking with friends / seeing them? Are you isolating yourself socially?

 

Are you giving yourself good care -- sleeping enough, eating well, drinking lots of water?

 

Are you doing anything for FUN?

 

Based on my personal experiences, I was never feeling really good or happy during the first month of NC, no matter what I did, although I did find lots of exercising and being with friends helped. Also I used to wrap myself up in blankets on the sofa and watch entire seasons of different tv shows on DVD. And pouring my heart out on forums like this one!

 

If you stick with NC, you WILL feel better.

 

The thing is, the process is different for everyone, so there's no way of knowing how long it's going to take before you start to feel more like your normal self..... only that it WILL happen at some point.

 

Is there anything you can think of that would help you feel a bit better right now, today?

 

Thanks for your reply, it gives me something to think about but...

 

As you know I am quite into creating a battle plan to help me feel better. I am trying to throw myself into work, studies and anything I can.

 

I am exercising, haven't today as I went to work at 6 this morning and am still aching from yesterday but I do plan to up it when my body is ready.

 

No, I am really trying to spend time with friends, unfortunately most have girlfriends so its tough over weekends.

 

I have always had difficulties sleeping, this has got worse recently. I have started to eat a lot better, much more vegetables and protein and drinking 2 litres of wate a day!

 

I'm struggling to find fun in anything, but chilling with my friends is sort of helping.

 

I just didn't realise it would get soooo much harder. I am trying to not talk about it too much with people, but post here whenever I feel the need. I find it so hard to get absorbed in a film or series at the moment as much as I wish I could.

 

I keep telling myself that, stick with NC and eventually I will start to feel better, but it just seems like its really not helping at all. I just feel low and miss her. As always I know how easy it would be to ring, but I worry I'd be taken back to the start and have to go through this whole process again, at the same time I feel I haven't moved on so what harm could it actually do! Speaking to her is the only thing I could see making it feel better now. Like I said it really wasn't a bad break up at all, she has no idea how much this is effecting me.

 

I will try my dammed hardest to keep up with what I'm doing but it just feels like all my efforts are in vain. I know I take quite some time to heal but there really isn't much more I can do. I think about the situation so intensely now, I'm just tired of it.

 

I was trying to be positive for so long, but I feel like I'm cracking and letting myself down now. I just need to find that strength to get me through the next week or so.

[Ruby65]

I keep telling myself that, stick with NC and eventually I will start to feel better, but it just seems like its really not helping at all. I just feel low and miss her. As always I know how easy it would be to ring, but I worry I'd be taken back to the start and have to go through this whole process again, at the same time I feel I haven't moved on so what harm could it actually do! Speaking to her is the only thing I could see making it feel better now. Like I said it really wasn't a bad break up at all, she has no idea how much this is effecting me.

 

 

This is your brain trying to convince you to contact her so it can get its endorphin fix. Your brain is literally fighting an addiction right now and it's trying to convince you to give in and give it what it wants..... no different from quitting smoking and trying to rationalize how only ONE cigarette won't hurt....

 

Love/infatuation/lust is chemically addicting!

 

You're in withdrawal right now. Go out and eat a carton of chocolate ice cream or a chocolate bar, it'll help calm the pleasure centers in your brain.

 

Try to be strong just a little bit longer....... you CAN do this!

 

I would watch entire series on dvd..... just let hours go by, whole days during the darkest times.....

 

Keep reading through threads and posting on this site. I used to spend whole days doing that, too!

 

It's really OKAY to feel awful sometimes. There's no rule that says you have to be happy every day of your life. This is an upsetting time in your life, but it's TEMPORARY..........

 

Just keep going -- you're really doing GREAT!

[Edtheduck]

Dude you're doing great, keep at it.

 

27 days NC is very good! Distract your thoughts, keep busy, do something you want to do for once. Just don't sit and dwell on her, thoughts of her, memories of her.

 

Look at me, I've been going NC from my side for nearly 3 weeks now, yet in the last 2 I've been thrown texts from her..! It doesn't help, so I'd much rather be in your position right now. When I spoke to my ex a few days ago, it felt so warm to hear her voice and hear her laugh, but when it ended, it just made things worse. I'm actually thinking of her more now as a result, so it's a setback.

 

Don't break NC, keep at it, and drive it through. You're doing great!

[saving-me-slowly]

Barese - hearing what happened to Ed ^^ when his ex contacted him is simular to me when i broke N/C.

I broke N/C and begged and pleaded and made a complete fool of myself and told him i'd take *anything* and agreed at how pathetic that sounded. Then i started N/C again after hearing that HE STILL DOESN'T WANT TO BE IN A RELATIONSHIP WITH ME. Nothing has changed for him. I felt stupid and that i had just made everything worse.

 

Just think how you will feel about yourself if you break N/C and it gets you absolutely nowhere. At the end of the day there were TWO people in your relationship - and i'm sure this girl is intellegent enough to phone/text/email you if she wanted to. If she was feeling anything like the same as you do you think she is counting down the days that she hasn't been in contact with you? No - she would have done something about it.

 

It's tough. Believe me i know. You have a few 'better days' and then are completely floored when you have a rock bottom day. It hurts.

 

Give yourself a little bit of self-respect.

 

Take care x x

[barese1]

Hi guys and thanks for your posts. I have to be quite honest here, I'm at the lowest point I have been since the BU. Its been 1 month NC, prob 7 weeks since BU and I thought I would be feeling at least slightly better at this point, not worse.

 

I'm a complete mess. I can't concentrate on anything, I feel overwhelmed all the time. Crying at night, and to add to things I've had another two dreams about her in the last two nights. I never normally remember my dreams so this is soooo hard.

 

Ruby65 - what you say is so true. It is exactly like thinking that one cigaretter won't do any harm, but as time goes by and I feel worse and worse, I struggle to see what harm contacting her would do. We would just chat and have a laugh, I know that neither of us would talk about feelings or other people we've met so I would feel a positive lift. I wonder whether the pain of not hearing from her afterwards is actually worse than this. If I'm not healing then what the f*ck am I doing NC for?? I'm scared that its just not helping me..

 

Ed- what you say has given me more of a motivation to try and stick with NC though. I would LOVE to get texts from her but I know that it would just be nothingness and I would read into it and wonder why and feel low.

 

In fact I realise how much I just contradicted myself talking about what you guys have said but thats how my mind is at the mo. One minute, NC all the way, teh next whats the point just call her. She will NOT call me.

 

S-m-s - It sounds quite a hard time for you too. I guess thats teh truth, they don't want a relationship with us so why on earth would we keep in contact if we still want a relationship with them. That is so clear and obvious yet I cannot still accept that no matter how hard I try.

 

Thank you so so so much for your posts. I know she is not sat there missing me at all. I know what she is like. She truly was the most kind and thoughtfull girl I have ever met but at the same time she knows what she wants and what she doesn't and will not be sat there missing me, 100% sure of that. That should motivate me to move on but it doesn't it just hurts. Little things like I've basically revamped my whole wardrobe and changed my hair. Everyone keeps telling me that I look a lot better but the truth is I started wearing those things in the hopes of winning her back as she would love that stuff. She hasn't seen me and my 'change of appearance' and I keep wanting to meet her just to pretend I'm a lot better and over it.

 

I walked past her house the other day when I could have got the bus. Saw someone in her drive and my heart literally nearly jumped out of my chest. I'm sick of this shi&, everything just seems so pointless and difficult to manage.