NC or friends maybe?

[Ruby65]

If you continue NC, eventually you'll just get so tired of feeling so completely awful that you WILL start to feel better.

 

But unfortunately you usually have to go through what you're experiencing right now to reach that point..... it's just part of the process, eventually your survival mechanisms kick in and you start pulling yourself out of it.

 

You were able to get through the first few weeks in the Denial phase. Right now it sounds like you're deep into the Depression phase..... with some Bargaining thrown in as you're trying to figure out a way to bargain seeing her (even though you know you shouldn't)...

 

I really recommend moving on to Anger.

 

I personally love the Anger phase! It's when you start to reconnect with your strong self. It's very energizing.

 

Honestly, you're still defending her, saying how kind and decent she is.... but truthfully there's a good chance that she's already moved on to someone else.

 

Ummmmm.... not really so kind, is it?

 

And not so kind how she treated you, either. Especially if she already had Mr. New Car In the Driveway lined up when she ended things with you because she "cared too much" to keep seeing you.

 

Don't be afraid to hate her guts right now. It doesn't last and it's very cathartic. It's actually helpful because it keeps you from breaking NC and it energizes you to keep moving on.

 

It's SCARY to take off those rose-colored glasses -- because it's another step AWAY from her and the relationship -- but it's so, so helpful!

 

After the anger phase, you can move on to Acceptance....... which is SUCH a better place to be!!! You can start feeling more and more normal, dating other women, and having a healthier more detached perspective on this VERY young and immature girl -- and hopefully making smarter choices for who you'll trust your precious heart to in the future : )

 

Anyhow, just my opinion, feel free to ignore it.

 

Whatever you do, just keep taking this hour by hour..... day by day..... it doesn't last forever! You're doing GREAT, honest.

[barese1]

Thank you so so much Ruby. I really needed a bit of a kick. It is tough but I know I have to keep up NC, and I'm sure I will, but as time goes by its more appealing to reach out.

 

You're absolutely right I have entered the depression stage. I honestly believed I had accepted things before but maybe I was just fooling myself. I have been guilty of looking at exs through rose tinted classes in the past, and now I see how wrong my perceptions were.

 

That said this girl really was that special. She didn't have a bad bone in her body, and never treated me badly at all, she just wasn't ready for a serious relationship. The car in her drive was actually an uncle or something, not a new fella but at first I thought it was her dad and it just made me jump.

 

I am positive she is dating and seeing other guys, I was the one encouraging her to do that when I first met her as she never did it, then after we got together she stopped seeing anyone else. Truth is after the first day we kissed it was 5 weeks until we had sex. Shes not the kind of girl to jump into bed with anyone - although I know she is probably at that point with someone else now, as I said there were always an army of guys trying to get with her.

 

Truth is though, it doesn't matter what shes doing. As long as I don't know then I can't worry about it. I just thought she had deeper feelings for me than she has. Clearly I wasn't that improtant or she would have called.

 

I'm just sick of worrying about it, and missing her all the time. I just want to feel like I am begining to get over her. I know it takes time, but its just this constant hurt taht kills me at the moment.

 

I can't wait to get into the anger phase, anything that means I don't pine after her every minute of every day would be so helpfull.

 

thanks for your support and keep posting it really helps.

 

Much love

[barese1]

Wow just read through this whole thread again.

 

The advice you guys have given is so appreciated.

 

I am going to try my hardest and just do things for me. Hard as hell but when I read the posts on here I am reminded that I am doing everything right. NC is the only way.

 

Just need to stick a chopstick in my ear and try and remove the part of my brain that keeps putting images in my mind of her and me having sex....

 

Looking forward to anger stage!!

[araja]

Wow just read through this whole thread again.

 

The advice you guys have given is so appreciated.

 

I am going to try my hardest and just do things for me. Hard as hell but when I read the posts on here I am reminded that I am doing everything right. NC is the only way.

 

Just need to stick a chopstick in my ear and try and remove the part of my brain that keeps putting images in my mind of her and me having sex....

 

Looking forward to anger stage!!

 

This thread has been my lifeline lately. I understand completely what you are going through barese1. The only difference between you and me is that your ex is a girl and mine is a guy.

 

We were together for 4 months and had known each other for a year prior to that. I was so in love with him even prior to dating. About a month back I found picture of a pretty girl he had made friends with and it was the same time he had decided to pull away emotionally and physically. I just made it up to his work stress. When I saw the girl picture on his FB page, something felt wrong inside me. I did some internet checking and found she was single and their path could not really cross to be just friends. I called him immediately and asked him if he was dating her. He said 'yes'. So fundamentally he was cheating on me. He immediately broke up with me over the phone. He said he wanted to date this new girl and that they had dated in the past (few weeks) and wanted to give it another try. I was gutted. After that I went into NC. He pinged be about 3 weeks back about returning my stuff that was at his place but I refused to meet him and told him I needed time before I could see him again. But in all honesty, maintaining NC has been really really hard. I want him back and I miss him like crazy. But I know for a fact that he's moved on to this new girl (via FB.I unfriended him when it became unbearable for me to read their flirting and comments).

 

Anyway, your thread keeps me strong. Know that there are other out therethat are in a similar situation. At least your girl is young, my ex is 38 and acting like a teenager. I'm 20 days in NC since the last txt msg.

Edited June 25, 2012 by araja

[barese1]

This thread has been my lifeline lately. I understand completely what you are going through barese1.

 

Wow I'm glad someone else is getting help from this thread too.

 

Every morning I wake up and she is my first thought. It makes it ahrd to get out of bed but I also know that the day can only improve. I cannot feel worse than I do first thing in the morning.

 

I have waves of hope, for a few minutes a day I don't feel all that bad and think this is not as hard as I'm making it seem. Its just getting over a relationship, but then my emotions kick in and I struggle.

 

I do not want to be feeling depressed about this girl. I do not want to sit around all day thinking about someone who really isn't thinking about me. How can these people be everything to us and then just drop us like a sack of sh*t.

 

I am not feeling great but I know for sure I have to stick with NC. I've been reading some other threads and have pictured the pain it will cause. I know I won't hear from her so everyday will be a step in the right direction.

 

Like I've said before I am starting to now have more jealous thoughts of her with other guys. Has anyone done anything practical to deal with these in the past?

 

Much love

[barese1]

I'm so tired but really want to post, just to get the thoughts out of my head.

 

30 days NC, thats quite a milestone. Trying to really live life for me but still a struggle. Up and down in terms of my belief that things will get better, but also feel a lot better than I did a couple of days ago.

 

Think I'm nearing the anger phase. For the first time since the BU, I felt anger at her.

 

Its tough. I remember when my first love left, I was a mess and put myself together. I thought I wouldn't ever meet anyone who I could feel so strongly about. I look back at that and laugh. She really wasn't a nice person. You'd think that would give me hope that I'll feel the same about the latest ex. Truth is though, she was everything I look for in a girl looks wise and personality.

 

I am starting to worry that I won't meet anyone who will blow me away like she did. All I can keep doing is maintaining NC and see how I feel at day 90. Day 90 is my realistic goal to not care as much, but I'm not close to being a third of the way there.

 

I miss seeing her name flash up on my phone, even her texts used to excite me. O dear, sleepy times...

[Edtheduck]

Im feeling the same way mate, but for some reason I just can't be angry with my ex. Maybe it's her having kids which gives me another angle.

 

God knows. All I know is you're doing well mate, so keep it up. You seem to be going through the same emotions and feelings daily that I am. Crazy hey. My ex is on my mind again today, 4th damn day in a row it's intense. Need to flush it out else I know eventually the pressure will get to me and I'll end up breaking NC.

 

Hope you have a calming day today. It's going to be hot in London Perfect opportunity to see the nice ladies in their dresses...... (Damn I actually

Stopped thinking about my ex for a second there! Lol)

 

Chin up and keep going...!

[Ruby65]

You guys are both suffering from Rose Colored Glasses syndrome!

 

You're still in relationship mode with these women -- you still see the best in them and want to believe the best about them.

 

That's okay, that's natural because part of you is still hoping for a reconciliation.

 

When you can start to see them more objectively -- and even get angry at them for how they've treated you -- it's another step AWAY from them and from the relationship.

 

Seen from the outside, their behavior seems selfish and immature.... not really an ideal "personality-wise"..... certainly not for someone with kids! Good women don't treat good men the way you guys got treated.

 

Barese, I PROMISE you, in time you're going to wonder what you saw in that girl and you will ABSOLUTELY be blown away ten times more by someone else!!!

 

I had an ex 5 years ago who had a genuis IQ, a killer sense of humor and looked like a movie star..... I thought I could never top that..... and the truth is, it's happened not only once, but TWICE since then!!!

 

Life is good once you ditch the ex..... you're going to find the complete package: and that WON'T be someone as young and shallow as this girl.

Edited June 27, 2012 by Ruby65

[saving-me-slowly]

I haven't seen my <ex> for 16 days but i have broken N/C with email messages and feel really pathetic for it.

 

Sending positive thoughts to araja, Ed, and of course barese today.

 

Break ups suck.

 

We'll all get through this eventually, with eachother's support and Ruby's advice how can we not?

[araja]

I haven't seen my <ex> for 16 days but i have broken N/C with email messages and feel really pathetic for it.

 

Sending positive thoughts to araja, Ed, and of course barese today.

 

Break ups suck.

 

We'll all get through this eventually, with eachother's support and Ruby's advice how can we not?

 

Thank you, Saving-me-slowly. I'm SOOO hurt. I would not be as wounded if he had just broken up with me but it's the way he did it that HURTS SOOOO bad. He pushed me of a ledge while he had a safety net (other girl) all along.

The sad part is that I am willing to forgive him and take him back. What does that say about my self-esteem???? I really trying to work on myself and not date for a while..I'm in licking my wounds phase.

[saving-me-slowly]

The sad part is that I am willing to forgive him and take him back. What does that say about my self-esteem????

 

Ditto. I would take my ex back in a heartbeat. And yet i know that i did all the giving and he did all the taking when we were together.

 

I hope barese is ok today.

[Edtheduck]

I haven't seen my <ex> for 16 days but i have broken N/C with email messages and feel really pathetic for it.

 

Sending positive thoughts to araja, Ed, and of course barese today.

 

Break ups suck.

 

We'll all get through this eventually, with eachother's support and Ruby's advice how can we not?

 

Thank you!

 

It's been unbelievebly hard today. All your support is most welcome!!

[saving-me-slowly]

I'm fine today

 

<she say's hugging the bear he bought her two years ago>

 

.....i'm not really at all fine, hey-ho.

 

xxx

[barese1]

Hey LS crew. So didn't come on yesterday, honestly just couldn't do anything last night, forced myself to sleep, unfortunately I had yet another dream about her....

 

Ed the duck - I can imagine with there being children involved its hard to build up anger. Don't get me wrong I'm in between depression and anger at the mo, but its the first time I've thought about her in any other way than love since the BU.

 

It does seem like we're going throught the same emotions....crap ain't it! How's things with you today? I still look at other grils and just think, naaa she's no way near as pretty as the ex. Hopefully that'll flush away from my mind soon enough. And..you're doing great as well mate, I know its hard but you seem to be doing everything you can to move on.

 

Ruby65 - Your posts ALWAYS give me hope so please don't stop! Like you say I just want to feel angry as then it will help me distance myself from these feelings that don't need to be there. You are right, she was young and immature and I need to hold on to that, as there really wasn't anything else that pi**ed me off about her.

 

I'm glad you met someone (or a couple of someones!) that were better. I really hope that happens to me in the future. I never thought it would after my first serious break up and I (sort of) did. Just really struggling to believe that I will now. It also makes me question whether it is something I'm doing wrong. Three girls I've fallen for, always been the perfect boyfriend without being a doormat, yet they all didn't want anything serious with me. I must be doing something wrong, I see so many girls treat girls like rubbish and the girls just can't get enough!

 

Saving me slowly - Thanks for you kind wishes. I won't lie I was struggling yesterday. Even though I was super busy, worked, went swimming, hit thwe steam room and even went to yoga. With all that I still had her on my mind. When you broke NC with the email did it make you feel worse immediately? I have a feeling I am going to break at some point, and I know I won't get what I want but I also know she won't do anything to make me feel bad. Thats not a good reason to break NC though is it? Just wondered about your experience.

 

Hope you are doing well today as well! Maybe pretending we're fine sometimes even when we're not will help us to learn to actually feel fine.

 

Araja - There's nothing wrong with wanting someone back even if they were an ar*e. If you had feelings for someone it will take time. In a way it may work out better for you. Once your feelings die down a bit, you will remember what a kn*b jockey he was when you broke up and that should help you move on quicker.

 

Again guys thank you all for your support. I come on LS when I'm at my lowest and reading all these posts makes all the difference. truthfully its harder but easier at the same time. I'm starting to forget her voice, and her face but at the same time when I think of her, still regularly, I really wish she was here. I'm not even thinking of her personality now, just the way she would hold me, randomly kiss me or touch me, and of course, the amazing sex. I keep telling myself 'shes over it just move on' but its so dam hard. Thats the truth though. She's more than likely completely over me and with a new guy already. It hurts me more than anything else I've ever felt.

 

33 days NC, I pray with everything that come 90 days I won't have this intense heartache.

 

Much love

[barese1]

So after posting here, I've spent the whole time reading other threads as I do, trying to find inspiration and why not to break NC etc.

 

In that time two old friends have come to the house at different times. The first question they both asked is 'are you still with that gorgeous girl?'.....

 

Haha you have to laugh. I try my hardest to put her out of my mind then someone else reminds me of her, and that she is a real person and I think about her again. As great as those 6 months together were, I wish I'd never met her. This pain is not worth that temporary happiness

[Edtheduck]

Dude you're doing great by keeping up the NC. Look at me? The pressure just got too much in the end. I guess with the breadcrumbs I was receiving it made it easier to break my 3 weeks. I don't feel any different for doing it. Well maybe some pressure is off that was building, and of course reminding her that I'm still around.

 

Just take it one day at a time. It's what I'm forcing myself to do. Like yourself I look around, think she's nice...then BAM, she isn't a patch on my ex. But of course, we had other connections with her kids, getting to know her family so well and always being there for eachother...even in a LDR!

 

Keep doing what you're doing. I think we're all inspiring eachother through the different phases of post BU healing.

 

I've said to myself I can't be feeling the same come this December. That would be ****ing crazy. Another landmark approaching for me too soon, almost a year since I met the girl.

 

Sucks

[barese1]

Ed it sounds like it made you feel better breaking NC, or was that just temporary?

 

I hate the mornings, they're the worst by far!

[Ruby65]

Usually it feels better temporarily because you've made contact and there's a return of hope -- hope they'll reply, hope for reconciliation.

 

But after a few days and reality sets in that there's no reply...... or a disappointing reply that confirms their lack of interest in a reconciliation..... you usually just end up feeling worse.

 

All in all, it's like cheating on a diet. Feels great in the moment, but sets you back from the long-term goal of freedom from the ex!

 

Sometimes you need to get that door slammed in your face to help you move on..... but if you can possibly avoid it you should. Looking back, you'll be grateful you never caved..... you'll be glad you never gave her the satisfaction of crawling back to her after she dumped you....

 

Having said that, I've done my share of crawling and breaking NC..... but ALWAYS ALWAYS regretted it in hindsight.

 

Just saying.

 

Btw..... keep going, you're doing GREAT!

[barese1]

Thanks Ruby. I am indeed planning on sticking to NC and will not consider breaking it until I am totally over her and not wanting a relationship.

 

Its like you said previously. As its been sometime the reality of the situation is kicking in. She will not be calling, she's probably fully moved on.

 

I know what I'm like though. I know that I will be thinking of her for months and with everyday that passes its actually harder to keep NC rather than easier.

 

If I contact her - honestly - she would eb polite and indifferent, she may agree to see me where she would just be making sure I was ok. Nothing would happen, she will probably be seeing someone else. I would feel like rubbish straight after and be waiting by the phone to hear from her. I guess I just can't break NC but its killing me!!

[Edtheduck]

Ed it sounds like it made you feel better breaking NC, or was that just temporary?

 

I hate the mornings, they're the worst by far!

 

I wouldn't say it made me feel better. I feel the same as before I sent it. It was just an acknowledgement of what we had said to eachother the week before really. That we both still thought about eachother, and that if she wanted to talk "on the level" she can do at her own pace. With me it's slightly different in that I believe there are feelings on both sides, but the timing is just wrong. I've learnt to let the hurt, pain and heartache go. It's more memories now, and of course I still having feelings for the girl.

 

Like Ruby said, it's so much better to keep going with NC, it heals you quicker. With the breadcrumbs I get from my ex, it just prolongs tr process.

 

Keep at it mate, don't fold like I did this week...!

[barese1]

Just cannot get her off my mind today, god dam she was gorgeous. I feel that horrible sinking feeling in my stomach. O I used to love life, now I hate it

[barese1]

I literally just slapped myself across the face and said stop being a victim. I am going to try and keep that mentality for the rest of this sh*tty day

[Edtheduck]

Dude,

 

I've been there, and had dark days like you. Whatever you do, do not fold and break NC. I'm telling you from experience here....

 

Let them realise in their own time that WE have moved on!! (Or are at least trying to!!)

 

Anytime you wanna vent, just post here or shout me back!

[Ruby65]

Just cannot get her off my mind today, god dam she was gorgeous. I feel that horrible sinking feeling in my stomach. O I used to love life, now I hate it

 

Gorgeous on the outside.

 

On the inside..... kind of a shallow self-involved bimbo, I'm thinking.

 

The kind of girl that continues to have sex with someone for six months knowing full well that he's falling for her and that she has no intention of ever being his girlfriend.... but keeping him around anyway until something "better" comes along..... just to make herself feel good. What a great person! A true humanitarian. Like Gandhi, but with dirty talking.

 

The kind of girl that DARES to compare herself to the overly-idealized Zooey Deschanel character in "500 Days of Summer"? As a professional screenwriter, I wanted to gasp and then vomit when I read that -- the sheer arrogance!!

 

The kind of girl that dumps someone after six months with one of the oldest, most lame breakup cliches ever written...... "I'm just not ready for a relationship".... I think they've actually uncovered stone tablets from ancient biblical times that had that written on them......

 

PUH-LESE!

 

Speaking of 500 Days..... remember how that movie ends? After saying all along that she doesn't want a relationship, doesn't believe in love, isn't ready, blah blah blah, she marries the next guy she meets. Mmmm-hmmmm. Because it was a lie when Zooey said it and it was a lie when your ex said it.

 

In real life, Ms. 500 Days Bimbo dumped the writer, who went on to become one-half of what is now one of the hottest and most successful screenwriting teams in Hollywood, for another guy because at the time he wasn't impressive enough for her shallow value system..... only to see her stupidity immortalized forever in a hugely successful film. Hmmmmmm...... maybe your ex really IS like that character?

 

She BETTER be gorgeous, because it sounds like that's ALL she's got.

 

(And guess what? Gorgeous fades. Sucks for her!)

 

Just saying......

 

To hell with her. Don't hate life. The universe is conspiring in your best interests!

[pathetic1999]

I am still pretty sad...hate to admit it. I go out and smile and laugh and yes have fun! I even see how maybe we were not the right people for each other which is amazing for me to admit but I miss him so much. I miss my best friend

 

I don't know why he hasn't contacted me at all in 8 weeks...he left saying he was still in love with me just was confused and not ready for such a serious relationship (sure after being together 2.5 years), anyway...I am seeing things clearer but I still have to stop myself from contacting him all the time.

 

I wish for excuses to contact him