Girl I am dating for almost a year is getting back with her ... husband.

[NoMoreJerks]

However, the reason I am so sad is because she really wasn't a bad person. She was fantastic. I had the best time of my life with her. It's really painful to lose that. And to lose it in such a way, it's just sickening, really.

I know the feeling... I went through these feelings with my ex. He was abusive/had major issues, but that aside, the times we spent together were the best of my life, and I loved him and enjoyed being with him, even if it caused me a lot of heartache and stress in the process. Still, you gotta let go, and move on. Treasure the memories -- be thankful you had them and that you can still go back to them -- and move on. Got no other choice anyway.

[mishy]

I came to this thread late and i am only on page 4 , but I just want to say gosh geekGuy you sound like a nice and interesting guy, I hope when i get to the end of the thread here it has turned out well. HER LOSS

[SomeGeekGuy]

be thankful you had them and that you can still go back to them -- and move on. Got no other choice anyway.

 

I know. I am thankful I had these great moments.

 

It's just that realizing how she kept secrets and having all these suspicions just make it all seem like one giant illusion. It's really hurtful to think that someone could lie to you like that. Someone whom you trusted and really loved.

 

Well, I'm moving on now. I've been feeling a lot better these past days.

 

 

Marine0311: I have been seeking help. But, I see my therapist only every 3 weeks. Yes, I was angry. I still am. I am angry at what my ex did to me after I put so much effort to show her my love for her. And the fact that she's moved on so fast. And though she did apologize, she didn't come forward about everything she did. And therefore, I feel she is not really sincere. But, those are all just assumptions.

 

Mishy: Yes, indeed it is her loss for damn sure. I know I'm a good man and I didn't deserve to be treated that way. Also, the more you're going to read, the more it gets ugly. I went through a lot of emotions and have been completely irrational at times. I realize it now.

 

I seriously don't know what happened. Something literally snapped in my mind last Wednesday night while I was walking around. Everything became clear. I guess that's what happens when you have an epiphany?

[SomeGeekGuy]

Hey guys,

 

Here's a little update.

 

I'm feeling much MUCH better. Starting feel normal again. My first ex, the one I was with for five years before moving back home. She got in touch with me. She sympathized with me a lot and she sent me a yoga class package to help cheer me up. It has helped a lot. She was a good girl. It's a shame we weren't really a good fit for each other.

 

Also, I got a new job! It's the kind of job I've been dreaming of getting for a long time. I can't wait to start.

 

As long as the other girl stays away from me and out of my mind I'll be okay.

 

Talking to people on here has helped a lot. I know sometimes I was losing my mind and was completely irrational and it probably frustrated a lot of you. But, thanks for sticking around. You guys were awesome.

[hinatticus]

Glad to hear that geekguy! Now let's see if you can string a couple of good posts together;) Congrats on your new job man!!

 

Don't fall back into the dark abyss!!

[SomeGeekGuy]

Nah don't worry Hinatticus.

 

I feel fantastic.

[SomeGeekGuy]

Guys, you will not believe this.

 

About a month or two ago, my old ex from my 5 year relationship started getting back in touch with me. We're totally cool. She's been helping me out a lot. She even gave me a 5 course package for some yoga classes to help me meditate and meet new people (And it worked!)

 

She's also been confiding in me about her relationship problems with her boyfriend.

 

Well tonight she just broke it off with him. Turns out he was doing the same to her that my ex did to me. Except he wasn't married though, but he had multiple relationships and was cheating on her.

 

This is such a weird twist of fate. Me and my ex both end up with the same kind of mother****ing people and both get cheated and betrayed and lied to.

 

What is wrong with this mother****ing world?!?

[hinatticus]

So are you gonna date your old ex then?

[Hopeful714]

To somegeekguy: I just spent 3 hours reading this whole thread. I cried, I laughed, and at times I was in suspense thinking OMG.

 

My situation as well as some of my thoughts are so similar to what you went/are going through. Dealing with heartbreak, depression, and issues with self are no easy task as I can certainly attest to.

 

I just wanted to say thank you for sharing all this. I'm at 3 months NC now and its still sooo difficult at times where I experience days of suffering, but you have given me hope. I realize I need to quit wallowing and at least try to live life again...for me!

 

I truly wish you the very ultimate best and hope you keep posting with updates.

 

Again, Thank You!

[Hopeful714]

Im trying to sleep yet I'm getting haunted by this story. I have questions...

 

I feel at some point I will get the text/call from my ex. Be it months or years down the road. I know its done, I could never go back but I wanted to ask you:

 

-When she finally contacted, in retrospect, are you glad you responded? Or do you wish you would have just not responded and maintained NC?

-Why was she even contacting? Just to be friendly or to try to hook up with you again?

-When you saw her and she apologized, was it authentic? Did she ever realize all the hurt this caused you and did she have any genuine empathy for you? Was anything explained? Did she have regrets?

-Although I suppose we all would like an apology didn't at all this make you feel like crap when she did? Like poor little you?

-I think you realize as well as everyone else this girl "does" have issues and is broken....is she even aware of that?

 

 

Basically, in looking back would you have handled the last contacts any differently then you did?

[SomeGeekGuy]

Hinatticus: No. I will not date my old ex. That ship has sailed a looooong time ago. She is well aware of that and she is also well aware that we are incompatible for a relationship. Instead, after having such a close and intimate relationship for 5 years, you just get to know someone very, very well. Though he may not have realized it at first, she realized it now that I still care about her, like you would a member of your family. She was family for a while. Even if she took me for granted, she realizes now how good a person I am and she is really grateful to have me as a friend in her life. Someone who truly understands her and how she thinks and her perception. I am a good friend to her and it will remain that way.

 

Hopeful714: Wow, I am really sorry you have to walk through this as well. This is the kind of situation I wouldn't even wish on my worst enemy ever. You've gone 3 months NC? Congratulations! I swear this is like going through rehab for a terrible heroin addiction. But, if it's been 3 months already and you haven't contacted the person, you're on the right path. Now to answer your questions:

 

 

I feel at some point I will get the text/call from my ex. Be it months or years down the road. I know its done, I could never go back but I wanted to ask you:

 

-When she finally contacted, in retrospect, are you glad you responded? Or do you wish you would have just not responded and maintained NC?

 

For me it was after only 4 or 5 months or so. I really don't know why she contacted me. She said she missed me. I was missing her to at that time. Hard. So I answered. But it's only because I wasn't seeing clearly and I also haven't had as many answers to know what the heck was going on either. It's only after talking to her and meeting her that one time that I finally got more clues that helped me put the pieces of the puzzle together and start to get a clearer picture. And that's what finally helped me get this sudden epiphany and finally start getting over it and see her for what she really was. So, in my own situation, yes I am glad that I responded because otherwise I would still think to this day that she is this nice girl when in fact she's messed up my life and hurt me beyond what any other person ever did in my entire life.

 

-Why was she even contacting? Just to be friendly or to try to hook up with you again?

 

She just told me she missed me. I don't know what her motives were. What I assume is that she knew that her and I connected. We had a very similar sense of humour and liked the same things. Maybe she missed that. I don't know. I really don't know.

 

-When you saw her and she apologized, was it authentic? Did she ever realize all the hurt this caused you and did she have any genuine empathy for you? Was anything explained? Did she have regrets?

 

But, when we finally met in person, she apologized and told me I was one of the nicest guys she had ever met in her whole life and that I didn't deserve what she did to me. She told me she was seeing a therapist and stuff. I told her about what was going on in my life, but what I told her when I met her was just a fraction of what actually happened. I was suffering from a lot of grief and from one of the most severe depressions of my entire life so far. It had affected me psychologically, physically (I lost up to 15lbs in one month! Suffered multiple anxiety attacks. Had insomnia. My metabolism was acting weird.) and professionally. Because of this I missed out on replacing my team lead and becoming the next go-to guy for the project I was working on and lost the trust and confidence of my peers at work and finally lost a really good raise and possibly a promotion. She has no idea of the extent of the **** that she put me through. Only that I have been depressed for losing her.

 

I don't know how authentic she was. Quite frankly, after pulling a stunt like this on me, I was having trouble reading her, if you get my meaning. Maybe she was being honest, but after realizing all the bull****, secrets and lies how can I believe anything she says anymore? It's quite a bad feeling to live with, when you genuinely don't trust a person anymore. Especially a person you used to love so damn much. It tears you apart.

 

-Although I suppose we all would like an apology didn't at all this make you feel like crap when she did? Like poor little you?

 

Yes kind of. Because, after just a few weeks after dumping me she was already sleeping with some other hipster douchebag. Some guy with whom I believe she was cheating on me about a month before she ended the relationship to go back with her husband. I felt like such a chump. I felt like I was the butt of a joke.

 

-I think you realize as well as everyone else this girl "does" have issues and is broken....is she even aware of that?

 

Quite frankly, I don't know. She's been living with unfaithfulness and abandonment her whole life. She's been divorced so many times, when her last husband divorced her, she made it look like it was no big dead. Just chalk another one up on the board. Y'know? It's as if it had become normal for her. God I feel so sad for her.

 

Basically, in looking back would you have handled the last contacts any differently then you did?

 

Yes. I would've given her a piece of my freakin' mind had I not been so damn slow to realize what the hell had happened. I would've told her how much of a terrible person she is for not just messing ME up, but her ex husband as well who has gone through some emotional problems of his own. He seems like a nice guy and I'm sure he didn't deserve to be cheated on like this either.

[SomeGeekGuy]

One more thing.

 

She posted a few comments on my blog last week.

 

This evening she just texted me to wish me a happy belated birthday. (It was about 3 weeks ago.)

 

I wonder if she's trying to get in touch again. I hope not, for her sake, because I really don't have any nice words for her. So she'd best leave me alone if she knows what's best for her. Also, I don't need any more of her bull**** and to get my feelings and my mind all ****ed up when I just started a new job and have a 3 months probation where they can fire me for whatever reason they want.

 

I don't need her in my life and especially not now.

[SomeGeekGuy]

Hopeful714:

Let me just say that what happened to me and how I reacted is specific to my situation. You can learn from what I did, but really you should know what's best.

 

If I can give you some advice that I think is pretty universal it's this:

 

You are the most important person in your life and you need to take care of yourself. Reflect on who you are and what you like about yourself and what you are proud of achieving so far. Basically focus on the positive aspects of yourself.

 

Also, go out and do activities where you will feel positive about yourself. Go meet people. Not for relationships but to hang out and do stuff. For example, I went to yoga classes in a small studio and I also signed up for dodgeball with a team of complete strangers. It turns out I made a few cool friends doing this and every time I met them it got my mind off my problems.

 

Finally, keep doing the NC for as long as you can. Remember that the other person who has hurt you (well I assume your significant other cheated on you or lied to you the same way my ex did) is the source of your grief, so in order to heal yourself you need to cut that person out of your life until you can say with confidence that you don't care about them anymore and even if they contacted you, you wouldn't give two ****s about them.

 

My previous ex is going through her own breakup with a guy who's been stringing her along and treating her like crap. This is basically the advice I gave her and she's already doing better after just a few weeks. I hope this helps you as well.

 

Good luck and take care of yourself.

[SomeGeekGuy]

Haha! Oh man. As if this couldn't get any worse. I just crossed her on the sidewalk while walking downtown tonight. She came out of a restaurant and was about to cross the street when I noticed her.

 

She looked at me and I quickly looked away and pretended I didn't see her.

 

I feel like such an ass for doing that, but I really didn't want any contact with her at all. My heart was throbbing and I felt nervous. I was afraid she might chase me down to talk to me or something since she's been texting me. But, she was with someone so I guess she didn't want to look like an idiot and leave him to run after me. And, besides, I'm sure she understands why I did this if she has any doubt that I saw her.

[SomeGeekGuy]

Even though she doesn't deserve any, I decided to give her an explanation about my behaviour.

 

I sent her an email this morning basically saying this:

 

Thanks for the birthday wishes. I know we saw each other last night and I pretended I didn't see you and I felt stupid for acting was. But, I just started a new job and I don't want any distractions especially since it's harder than my previous job. Gettting in touch with you affects me negatively and that's why I ignored you. It's not out of disrespect. But, from now on I don't want to get in contact with you anymore.

 

I wrote it in a polite straightforward manner just to be clear to her that even though she's trying to be nice, it's not helping me at all and I need to keep my head straight for this new job.

 

I know I'm way too nice but I hate think that she might see me as a jerk. Because I'm not.

 

F*ck it, I hope she feels bad.

 

I she was with another dude too. It makes me so f*cking mad to see her move on from guy to guy like this like it's nothing when I have such a hard ****ing time getting over her. I feel like this whole story scarred me emotionally and that I'll never be the same.

[SomeGeekGuy]

Ok. Now the weirdest **** is happening to me.

 

This weekend a friend of mine organized a little dinner party with a few friends at his place. He invited this girl that I used to know like 10 years go. I had this HUUUGE crush on her. I mean she is hawt! But, I totally wasn't her type (she was dating this really big tall buffed up black dude who worked as a bouncer, and I'm like a little geeky 5'5 white guy) She was into clubbing and going out with guys and was pretty much a very wild girl back then, so she wasn't my type either. But, damn did I ever look at her whenever she was around. But, that was 10 years ago.

 

So she was at the party last night. We caught up and she told me about her situation. Basically she's been divorced for a while and has 2 little kids (4 and 6 years old) and has been single for a long time. While we were talking we were kidding around and making jokes and whatever. I also learned a few things about her that I would have never guessed. She's got a little geeky side, because she grew up with 2 older brothers, which I thought was kinda cool. She even likes to go to comiccons!!! I would NEVER have guessed. Her being this, like, clubbing girl and likes wild parties and stuff.

 

Anyway, I noticed she was very touchy-feely when she talked. Like she's grab my knee or my thigh. I didn't make a big deal out of it. I figured, meh, some people are like that.

 

Then, it got worse. She was rubbing my thigh. Then later on I was leaning over the back of a chair and she was passing by and I had to move aside and she freakin grabs my ass. Not just grabs it, but freakin' rubs the whole thing. I turn around and look at her and she gives me this inviting look with a smile and a wink. I'm just thinking "well, okay then!".

 

Later, I'm in the bathroom. She knocks on the door as I'm washing my hands and about to get out. When I open the door she comes in and jumps me!!! Starts french kissing me and grabs me all over!!! I'm totally freakin' out. But, I play her game and we have this really hot makeout session.

 

She spent the rest of the evening coming close to me and giving me kisses and stuff. When she left my friends were all like "OH **** DUDE!! THAT WAS SO AWSOME!!" and stuff.

 

The weirdest thing though is that I felt like I really just didn't care. And from the conversations I had with my friends that night, she guessed that I wasn't ready for anything serious. But, my friend told me she was just looking to have some fun.

 

She texted me a few times after that night and she really wants to see me again and hang out.

 

This whole thing just happened so fast. I can't wait to see her again, but only to explain to her that this is just way too much for me to handle. I want to know what the hell her intentions are and also that she needs to understand where I am right now in terms of feelings and mental state. I don't want to be fooled with. I won't let that happen again.

 

Honestly, I'm a little scared and overwhelmed that this girl that I had the biggest crush on ever just jumped on me like that. I never imagined this in my wildest dreams.

 

This is messed up.

 

On top of that, I have a friend that's coming over from another city this weekend. She's coming to visit me. I reaaallly like her and I think she likes me a lot too. She's way more down to earth and she's a real comedian. She loves to laugh and make people laugh. She's pretty crazy, and man, she is gorgeous as well.

 

I'm not expecting anything to happen though. I mean we're good friends and we both live far away from each other. But, we have told each other on numerous occasions that if we both lived in the same town, we would definitely have hooked up.

 

Anyway, I'm going to show her a good time here, but as friends. I mean, she's a really, really nice person and I value her friendship more than anything else. I don't know if she's going to try to make a move as well or not, but I think if she does, I will tell her that I don't want things to get awkward. I like her a lot too, but, like I said, I would much prefer to have a good friend in her than having this long distance thing or whatever. Or have just a fling and define our relationship by that in the future. You know?

 

F*ck this is complicated. All of a sudden it's like raining girls! It's either all or nothing now for some reason. And it's like right in a time where I don't really give a crap about being in a relationship. Why is it always like that??!?!?!

[Viper1]

This is going to sound really cruel and insensitive but while you don't "deserve" the pain you're feeling the sooner you take responsible for your feelings and choices, the sooner this depression will loose its grip on you.

 

Now that I think about it, you do "deserve" what's going on despite the fact that you're a good person. Do you think that protects you from having your heart torn out.

 

I was living with a girl who was secretly engaged to another guy. I couldn't have possibly known that but there were all kinds of clues that she didn't deserve to be put on the pedestal I placed her on.

 

At the time I didn't know how to recognize the signs when a person wasn't being straight with me. Consequently--and I'm almost positive this was the case with you, also--I was so smitten with her I brushed aside those nagging feelings that something wasn't right.

 

Your post was probably longer than 10 paragraphs about your situation and four were about how amazing things were with her and ONE was about the fact that she was keeping a devastating secret from you: she was married.

 

You also said she said (and I'm assuming you remember the words she used because they were so traumatic for you)

 

Things hadn't gone so well together and they already tried to get their marriage annulled, but because of the laws in her state it was impossible.

You do know there is a diference between an annulment and a divorce--the difference being that when a marriage is annulled it's as if it never existed. That applies in most states including Georgia.

 

Annulments are legal orders that ARE rarely granted and usually only if certain circumstances exist. For instance, an annulment can't be granted if the husband and wife are related; one of the two people did not have the mental capacity to enter into the contract of marriage;a person was forced into a marriage; a person was fraudently induced into a marriage; the girl's spouse was living with another spouse when she married this man; or the girl was under 16. Basically, the marriage was entered into when one (or more) of four conditions existed: there was misrepresentation or fraud (a girl says she has reached the age of consent when she has not).

 

There was concealment (one spouse hid the fact of addiction, the conviction of a felony, impotency, etc.).

 

One partner refused to "consummate" the marriage--either the man or woman refused to have sex with the other, or, finally, there was "Misunderstanding"--one person, for instance, wanted children, and the other didn't.

 

Here's the point: let's say she can't have the marriage annulled. That doesn't prevent her from getting a divorce.

 

Since she basically told you she can't break it off from this guy because "it's impossible" to have the marriage annulled AND if she truly loves you, why don't you ask her 1) Why the courts won't grant her an annulment and 2) Even if she can't have the marraige annulled, what's stopping her from divorcing the guy?

 

I'm sorry to add to your suffering, my friend, but I think for your state of mind you need to know these answers.

 

If the marriage wasn't annulled and she's not divorced, they' legally man and wife even if living apart--barring the courts granting a legal seperation.

 

Can you contact her? Will she talk to you? Preface any attempt with the disqualified with "I know it's over and I understand you're doing what you feel you have to do and I'd be able to put it all behind you if you could tell me specifically why an annulment was out of the question but why that would stop you from getting a divorce--especially from a guy you don't know why you married in the first place."

 

The truth will set you free.

 

The pain will last much longer if you think you've been blindsided and can't understand how this could happen. It may hurt more in the short run but it will make your healing quicker if she says, "I couldn't get an annulment because I said I was old enough to be married when I wasn't." or "He was married when he married me but I didn't know it."

 

So much for the annulment but unless she thinks divorce is a mortal sin, don't you want to know why she wouldn't file for divorce?

 

And for God's sake, you can't maintain the fiction that "it's not like she was really in a relationship with him anymore other than just being friends."

 

She's married to the guy and the state sees that as a relationship even if the husband and wife live in different states--unless he abandoned her. The fact she was having an intense relationship with you doesn't factor into it. They're husband and wife and even after you learned about that, YOU said it wasn't a big deal for you and you could still have a relationship. You knowingly chose to continue a relationship with a woman, knowing she was married, but not even knowing if she was legally seperated.

 

Someone once said, "When you violate the laws of nature, you are your own judge, jury, and executioner."

 

I made a similar mistake once, went through hell, came out the other side wiser and stronger for it. Ever since I'd ALWAYS assumed until proven otherwise, that any girl I met either had a boyfriend, fiancee, or husband. Ninety per cent of the time, they had a boyfriend. I came close once to involving myself with a married woman but a friend said, "Never forget, the husband ALWAYS has the home-field advantage."

 

There's a reason EVERY culture considers infidelity a serious violation of social rules: it almost always winds up causing someone incredible emotional pain.

 

In this case, you're taking the hit.

 

If it's any consolation to you, if she confesses to her husband that she had an affair with you, that relationship will almost surely fall apart. The question you'll have to ask yourself is, "Will I really want to commit myself to someone who began our relationship from hiding the fact that she was already married?"

Edited December 11, 2012 by Viper1

[cavalier99]

Ok. Now the weirdest **** is happening to me.

 

This weekend a friend of mine organized a little dinner party with a few friends at his place. He invited this girl that I used to know like 10 years go. I had this HUUUGE crush on her. I mean she is hawt! But, I totally wasn't her type (she was dating this really big tall buffed up black dude who worked as a bouncer, and I'm like a little geeky 5'5 white guy) She was into clubbing and going out with guys and was pretty much a very wild girl back then, so she wasn't my type either. But, damn did I ever look at her whenever she was around. But, that was 10 years ago.

 

So she was at the party last night. We caught up and she told me about her situation. Basically she's been divorced for a while and has 2 little kids (4 and 6 years old) and has been single for a long time. While we were talking we were kidding around and making jokes and whatever. I also learned a few things about her that I would have never guessed. She's got a little geeky side, because she grew up with 2 older brothers, which I thought was kinda cool. She even likes to go to comiccons!!! I would NEVER have guessed. Her being this, like, clubbing girl and likes wild parties and stuff.

 

Anyway, I noticed she was very touchy-feely when she talked. Like she's grab my knee or my thigh. I didn't make a big deal out of it. I figured, meh, some people are like that.

 

Then, it got worse. She was rubbing my thigh. Then later on I was leaning over the back of a chair and she was passing by and I had to move aside and she freakin grabs my ass. Not just grabs it, but freakin' rubs the whole thing. I turn around and look at her and she gives me this inviting look with a smile and a wink. I'm just thinking "well, okay then!".

 

Later, I'm in the bathroom. She knocks on the door as I'm washing my hands and about to get out. When I open the door she comes in and jumps me!!! Starts french kissing me and grabs me all over!!! I'm totally freakin' out. But, I play her game and we have this really hot makeout session.

 

She spent the rest of the evening coming close to me and giving me kisses and stuff. When she left my friends were all like "OH **** DUDE!! THAT WAS SO AWSOME!!" and stuff.

 

The weirdest thing though is that I felt like I really just didn't care. And from the conversations I had with my friends that night, she guessed that I wasn't ready for anything serious. But, my friend told me she was just looking to have some fun.

 

She texted me a few times after that night and she really wants to see me again and hang out.

 

This whole thing just happened so fast. I can't wait to see her again, but only to explain to her that this is just way too much for me to handle. I want to know what the hell her intentions are and also that she needs to understand where I am right now in terms of feelings and mental state. I don't want to be fooled with. I won't let that happen again.

 

Honestly, I'm a little scared and overwhelmed that this girl that I had the biggest crush on ever just jumped on me like that. I never imagined this in my wildest dreams.

 

This is messed up.

 

On top of that, I have a friend that's coming over from another city this weekend. She's coming to visit me. I reaaallly like her and I think she likes me a lot too. She's way more down to earth and she's a real comedian. She loves to laugh and make people laugh. She's pretty crazy, and man, she is gorgeous as well.

 

I'm not expecting anything to happen though. I mean we're good friends and we both live far away from each other. But, we have told each other on numerous occasions that if we both lived in the same town, we would definitely have hooked up.

 

Anyway, I'm going to show her a good time here, but as friends. I mean, she's a really, really nice person and I value her friendship more than anything else. I don't know if she's going to try to make a move as well or not, but I think if she does, I will tell her that I don't want things to get awkward. I like her a lot too, but, like I said, I would much prefer to have a good friend in her than having this long distance thing or whatever. Or have just a fling and define our relationship by that in the future. You know?

 

F*ck this is complicated. All of a sudden it's like raining girls! It's either all or nothing now for some reason. And it's like right in a time where I don't really give a crap about being in a relationship. Why is it always like that??!?!?!

 

 

Dude. What are you thinking? Its time to get laid and have some fun. It not like these girls are proposing marriage nor are they saints. Just go with the flow. Time to get over your EX. You only live once!

[SomeGeekGuy]

This is going to sound really cruel and insensitive but while you don't "deserve" the pain you're feeling the sooner you take responsible for your feelings and choices, the sooner this depression will loose its grip on you.

 

Now that I think about it, you do "deserve" what's going on despite the fact that you're a good person. Do you think that protects you from having your heart torn out.

 

I was living with a girl who was secretly engaged to another guy. I couldn't have possibly known that but there were all kinds of clues that she didn't deserve to be put on the pedestal I placed her on.

 

At the time I didn't know how to recognize the signs when a person wasn't being straight with me. Consequently--and I'm almost positive this was the case with you, also--I was so smitten with her I brushed aside those nagging feelings that something wasn't right.

 

Hi Viper,

 

Thanks for replying to this whole mess of a thread. I see you went through the EXACT same thing I did. I refused to see the hints for what they were.

 

I paid the price in the end.

 

What you said is true. I read all about the annulment rules and process and while she was saying the truth that they couldn't get one, the fact that they didn't get a divorce is something else that I never really thought about. She was keeping him as a fallback for when she moves back home. It's pretty obvious now.

 

Her husband eventually found out about me the last time he came to visit her and he promptly divorced her. They're done. I feel really bad for him though. Neither of us deserved to be screwed over and lied to like this. It's complete bull****.

 

I gotta say that I am moving on right now as another girl has showed interest in me, as you can read in my previous post. Let's just say that my mind is now on someone else and that this gave me a HUGE confidence boost.

[SomeGeekGuy]

Dude. What are you thinking? Its time to get laid and have some fun. It not like these girls are proposing marriage nor are they saints. Just go with the flow. Time to get over your EX. You only live once!

 

Hahahaha YOLO!

 

Yeah I hear you. But, I'm just scared of getting attached.

 

I get attached really easily and I don't want to fall into some other emotional roller coaster. I don't think I would survive. Especially since that girl is pretty wild.

 

No, I want the next girl I meet to be serious about being in a relationship and I want to be able to trust her. For now that is not the case with this new girl. She seems like she likes to party a lot and hangs out with a lot of guys which raises some questions with me.

 

Anyway, I'll see her next week and I think I'll have a talk with her to hear her intentions. That is, if she doesn't jumps on me first! Hahaha

[SomeGeekGuy]

Well **** me sideways and call me skippy!

 

I always said that it's when you DON'T want a relationship or when you don't look, that all of a sudden people will be showing up when you least expect it.

 

Here's my situation. This girl I just told you about in my last posts, she invited me over to her place. I went. And let's just say it was amazing.

 

I think it's pretty obvious that she doesn't want to get serious. Besides, her and I kinda clash in terms of interests. I was having a very hard time relating to her in any way. I think we just enjoyed each others, uh, physical aspects. And that's about it.

 

But that was last weekend.

 

This week, there's this girl who just started in the office. She is the HR lady's daughter. She is super duper cute and she is a the biggest geek I ever met! I sent her one e-mail with a meme in it and it was instant friendship! She's a total Tolkien fan like me too! She is quite the artist too and likes crafting. She likes to knit and sew and even makes her own costumes for comic cons!!!! Oh my lawd I'm in LOVE!

 

The best part is that she added me to her facebook and I found some pictures of her trip to Australia where she took pictures of Vegemite. I just commented about how I like it on toast and she says she loves it too!!! What the ****? Is this girl for real? And she's single! Plus, she's been talking to me and smiling at me and stuff and she seems super interested in me! It's so funny!

 

I am super excited about her. Though she IS a co-worker. AND the daughter of the HR lady. That's a big no-no in my opinion. But, she's part time and only works when they need a replacement for vacations and stuff

 

I don't know. Guys, I never EVER thought I would ever feel so excited about meeting a girl after all the bull**** I went through this year. Maybe I'm overreacting.

 

This is crazy right?

 

So I've been sleeping with this girl that literally looks like a porn star (Literally. Not figuratively) but have nothing in common and have no interest in having a relationship with. And now this other girl pops up who is exactly the kind of girl I am looking for and has me going completely gaga. I even stutter when I talk to her! I don't know what the heck is going on!

 

Why must fate mess with me in such a way?!?!?

[Survivor12]

First, let me say that after reading through a lot (not all) of this thread, It is good to hear that you are feeling better, but....

 

I feel the need to give you an objective point of view based on what you have written...

 

Although feeling happy is a good thing, you seem to have gone from deep depression to elation very quickly. The depression was caused by your being unable to cope with rejection and with the thought of being "alone". Now, you are beyond happy. Why? Because you are getting a lot of positive attention.

 

Of course, it is normal to be sad after a breakup and happy to be noticed and desired, but your reactions seem to go beyond the norm. Whatsmore, it seems that you never achieved any level of happiness BEFORE the attention began. What I'm trying to say is that just because you feel good right now, doesn't mean that you are in a "good place". Whenever someone must rely on other people to feel happy and confident, they are at risk--not only of being unhappy--but of making poor decisions to hang on to it.

 

You have repeatedly told us how you never intended to get so involved with the ex....now you're repeating the same mantra about this new girl. Could it be that what you became so attracted to about the ex had a lot to do with not being alone? (Before you balk, I will remind you that you mentioned that yourself in one of your posts.) IF that is the case, it is very possible that you could be repeating the cycle with this new girl.

 

Frankly, I don't think that you are ready for a relationship. Of course, that's just my opinion. I'm not judging you for wanting to be or enjoying the company and attention. I totally understand. However, until you have taken time to deal with your inability to cope with rejection and to learn to be alone, you are going to remain vulnerable either to being hurt again or to an inability to trust.

 

I was married for a very long time and after my divorce, I had to learn how to be alone and be happy. I had to learn to enjoy watching a movie without having someone to watch it with...I had to learn how to make memories that didn't always involve another person...I had to learn the value of setting the table with my special china even when no one else was there to enjoy it....

 

Bottom line...continue working with your therapist to learn about co-dependence, dealing with disappointment and reaching YOUR goals.

 

Best of luck.

[SomeGeekGuy]

First, let me say that after reading through a lot (not all) of this thread, It is good to hear that you are feeling better, but....

 

I feel the need to give you an objective point of view based on what you have written...

 

That's what I'm here for, buddy.

 

Although feeling happy is a good thing, you seem to have gone from deep depression to elation very quickly. The depression was caused by your being unable to cope with rejection and with the thought of being "alone". Now, you are beyond happy. Why? Because you are getting a lot of positive attention.

 

That is true. Also, I was a bit drunk when I wrote that last post.... :\

 

Of course, it is normal to be sad after a breakup and happy to be noticed and desired, but your reactions seem to go beyond the norm. Whatsmore, it seems that you never achieved any level of happiness BEFORE the attention began. What I'm trying to say is that just because you feel good right now, doesn't mean that you are in a "good place". Whenever someone must rely on other people to feel happy and confident, they are at risk--not only of being unhappy--but of making poor decisions to hang on to it.

 

I know what you mean. Frankly, I think I was in the right direction. I've been getting used to doing my own thing lately and I was getting comfortable with that. But, I doubt myself a lot, especially after my last two relationships. The first where I felt underappreciated, when in fact my gf had a borderline personality disorder. And the last one who was cheating on me made me feel like a chump and like I wasn't good enough fo her. So, yes it's nice to have someone validate that you're not such a bad guy (or bad looking guy) after all.

 

You have repeatedly told us how you never intended to get so involved with the ex....now you're repeating the same mantra about this new girl. Could it be that what you became so attracted to about the ex had a lot to do with not being alone? (Before you balk, I will remind you that you mentioned that yourself in one of your posts.) IF that is the case, it is very possible that you could be repeating the cycle with this new girl.

 

No, I don't think it was because I was alone. I was happy where I was. I just wanted to meet someone to hang out with. Turns out that girl was fantastic and we had tons in common and became like best friends. Before I met her I felt strong and happy and independent because I just came out of a 5 year relationship and had to do a lot of stuff on my own to get back on my feet. I just fell in love, really.

 

This new one, I gotta admit, I was really scared that the same scenario might happen. That because I felt so alone all this time, I might get attached to her, or to the feeling she brings me. I am afraid to get attached. But I am aware of it. I am also aware that this girl and I have NOTHING in common. She actually has a lot of characteristics that I try to avoid in a partner. She's just super hot and I'm just enjoying myself right now. I'm not pushing anything though. I'm not calling her, like, every day and trying to get her attention. I can live without her.

 

And I think it's the same with her. She doesn't want anything serious.

 

Frankly, I don't think that you are ready for a relationship. Of course, that's just my opinion. I'm not judging you for wanting to be or enjoying the company and attention. I totally understand. However, until you have taken time to deal with your inability to cope with rejection and to learn to be alone, you are going to remain vulnerable either to being hurt again or to an inability to trust.

 

I hear your brother (or sister?) and I will take your advice. I should totally take my time.

 

I was married for a very long time and after my divorce, I had to learn how to be alone and be happy. I had to learn to enjoy watching a movie without having someone to watch it with...I had to learn how to make memories that didn't always involve another person...I had to learn the value of setting the table with my special china even when no one else was there to enjoy it....

 

That's the toughest part. But, I'm working on that. Otherwise, I invite friends over for dinner and stuff. I hang out with some old friends. I walk a lot and I write on my blogs about my walking adventures and cooking experiences. It keeps me busy. Also, video games.

 

Bottom line...continue working with your therapist to learn about co-dependence, dealing with disappointment and reaching YOUR goals.

 

I don't have a therapist anymore. I just started a new job recently and they don't have any employee assistance program. But, I have a lot of support from my family and some friends, and believe it or not, even my first borderline ex-girlfriend who is still a good friend. They all help me out a lot and I am grateful for that.

 

Best of luck.

 

Thanks

[SomeGeekGuy]

Merry Christmas everybody.

 

I hope you all had a chance to spend it with your families and had a great time.

[SomeGeekGuy]

This story gives me all the reasons in the world never to look for another relationship, EVER!!

 

These women who do this have no idea of the power of these feelings, and to be so deceitful. Unfortunately after going through these threads this technology thing is a killer to stable relationships. Facebook, online dating, all of this promotes these behaviors these type of women demonstrate.

 

Id love to see all the facebook accounts of everyone who is in a relationship. I bet 99% of them have a convo with someone of the opposite sex flirting.

 

Sorry your going through this, but im learning more and more all the time I read these posts. Never get involved with anyone. Don't invest in anyone. And if you do, stay detected. It's a shame because one day I would like nothing more then a family with a wife and kids, but I beleive them days are over.

 

Hey man, chillax. Not all women are like that. You're generalizing a lot. My mother is not like that. She's been married to my dad for over 35 years! And my sister is not like that either. She's away in another country for a semester of college to immerse herself in another language and she's with fellow male students. Every day she calls her boyfriend up on skype. Now he went over there to visit her for Christmas and guess what? SHE proposed to HIM! Talk about a lucky guy!

 

This behaviour of cheating and lying and getting instant sexual gratification is more and more common in women nowadays maybe, but it's been glorified when men do it. They are talking about getting pussy and they're so proud of how many chicks they banged even while being in a relationship. These guys, of course, are complete *******s.

 

But, there are still good people out there. Keep your door open just in case because you never know. For example, this new girl at work really got my attention. And she seems like a super sweet girl who was raised by good parents.

 

Actually, speaking of parents, from experience, someone's parents are usually a good indication of how they were brought up and what their values are. For example, my ex's mother cheated on her father and she left him with all the kids. Some role model huh? My other ex had an verbally and physically abusive dictator of a father who cheated on his wife with house maids. She was terrorized by him. Which could also explain her borderline personality disorder.

 

Don't generalize dude. Not all women are bad. Nor all the guys either, if anyone else is reading this.

 

Just stay positive and be more careful next time in taking your time knowing the person.