Girl I am dating for almost a year is getting back with her ... husband.

[mike588]

I reconnected with an old friend from many..many years ago and she was fresh out of a relationship (huge red flag I ignored) but she convinced me she would NEVER go back to him.

 

I believed her when she told me countless times that he was a jerk and that I was so wonderfu and did all the good/sweet things that he didn't do and that she loved me very much.

 

We dated for almost a year then out of the blue she tells me she's getting back with him.

 

Needless to say I was devestated and went thru all the broken heart symptoms...couldn't eat....couldn't sleep...analyzed the breakup a million + times etc. etc.

 

It's been 16 months now and I'm soooooo completely over her and don't want anything EVER to do with her.

 

It just takes time to get over a breakup/broken heart. Go ahead and cry..yell..mope around and have a pity party but you WILL get thru this and become stronger. It's a life learning lesson that we all go thru at one or more times in our life.... painful oh yes!! but one day you will look back on this...laugh and say what the hell was I thinking...I let/allowed someone..let myself to be so hurt.

 

It really does get better...trust me.

 

Hang in there.

[SomeGeekGuy]

I reconnected with an old friend from many..many years ago and she was fresh out of a relationship (huge red flag I ignored) but she convinced me she would NEVER go back to him.

 

I believed her when she told me countless times that he was a jerk and that I was so wonderfu and did all the good/sweet things that he didn't do and that she loved me very much.

 

We dated for almost a year then out of the blue she tells me she's getting back with him.

 

Needless to say I was devestated and went thru all the broken heart symptoms...couldn't eat....couldn't sleep...analyzed the breakup a million + times etc. etc.

 

It's been 16 months now and I'm soooooo completely over her and don't want anything EVER to do with her.

 

It just takes time to get over a breakup/broken heart. Go ahead and cry..yell..mope around and have a pity party but you WILL get thru this and become stronger. It's a life learning lesson that we all go thru at one or more times in our life.... painful oh yes!! but one day you will look back on this...laugh and say what the hell was I thinking...I let/allowed someone..let myself to be so hurt.

 

It really does get better...trust me.

 

Hang in there.

 

Glad to hear you recovered.

 

Though I can't say I'm over what happened, I mean, I feel humiliated and like half a man and a complete chump after being tossed like some piece of garbage after being lied to for so long. I hope someday I will 100% move on. Starting this year.

 

In fact, my new year resolution is to not talk about this event to anyone ever again. Maybe if I stop mentioning it, it'll go away.

[crashvector]

holy shiat...

 

dude...that girl was a BIATCH to do that to you man....

 

you are SO FAR better off without her.

 

Im SO sorry she did that to you. That's just horrible.

 

I have NO idea how people can live with themselves sometimes...

Edited January 2, 2013 by crashvector

[SomeGeekGuy]

One of my long life best friends came over tonight. He wasn't feeling well. He told me, and only me so far, that his girlfriend cheated on him a couple of days ago.

 

Sure she's just 21 and he's 31. 10 years difference. But it doesn't matter. What matters is that I felt for a long time that this girl had very poor judgement. She came up with hair-brained schemes, such as getting married just for the purpose of getting access to more money through student loans and grants to afford her education. When my friend refused, she asked if it was okay if she married some other dude for that purpose but that they would get a divorce after she graduates. That left my friend with a very awkward feeling and became a little cold towards her since then. That was a few months ago. She went to B.C. for a month where she experimented with drugs and possibly slept with other guys, but she was very vague about it. Then a couple of nights ago, she called up a guy and went to see him to have sex with him on purpose. Apparently she felt unsatisfied with my friend because he wasn't paying as much attention to her as he used to before the whole marriage discussion. After that she wanted to pretend like nothing happened and that it was okay. She tried to convince my friend to understand "her views" or "her world" or some bull ****. She even had the guts to invite my friend for dinner at her parents place after all of this and she didn't understand why my friend didn't feel like it.

 

My friend is now in a weird mental state. He seems to have a hard time to grasp what happened. But, all he knows is that the relationship is over.

 

Man, what the hell is wrong with the world today? Doesn't anybody value a long lasting relationship anymore? Doesn't anybody want to put the effort to build a strong relationship? To communicate and to work things out when something doesn't feel right? Or are we living in a world of instant disposable gratification with no regards to the consequences of our actions?

 

The only small glimmer of hope that I have is because of my sister who is studying abroad for a semester. She proposed to her boyfriend while he went to visit her overseas for the holidays. They've been together for nearly 10 years, since my sister was still a teenager.

 

Other than that, the world looks pretty ****ing bleak.

Edited January 6, 2013 by SomeGeekGuy
x

[SomeGeekGuy]

I don't know what the hell is going on. I think I have supernatural powers you guys.

 

Last night I dreamt about my ex. I woke up and I had a hunch. I knew she was gonna get in touch one way or another. Sure enough today she calls me when I get home back from work to tell me about this funny youtube video I posted. She caught me totally by surprise. My phone didn't show right away who it was and I thought it might be something important related to a recent event. When I recognized her voice I knew it was too late.

 

Thankfully for her I was in a good mood. I've been holding up a lot of bad stuff towards her and I really don't have anything good to say to her. But, I was stuck like a deer caught in headlights. Anyway, we talked for a while and caught up on each other.

 

At the end she asked me if it was okay for her to call me. I said I was going to be all right. She asked me if I still hated her guts and I said I kinda did. I mean she really broke my heart. She said that she wasn't proud of that. But, I was still happy to hear that she was doing okay. Especially after having a dream about her.

 

She told me once more that she's sorry for what she did and she misses me a lot. She seems very remorseful. Though I don't know if I can believe her anymore.

 

This really confuses me and gets me in a bad emotional state. She has to let me go. This is crazy.

 

It's a really bad time too because I just met someone recently that I really like and I want to see how it goes. I really want this to work. But, if she keeps coming back like this I'm never gonna be able to move on.

[SomeGeekGuy]

Ok. As if the phone call wasn't enough. I just received an email from my ex. She's been undergoing therapy since August. Apparently, they discussed all her relationships. She talked about how all the guys she ever met were all *******s. Except me.

 

She still thinks a lot about me and keeps remembering a lot of things and moments that we shared together.

 

While she knows I am pissed off at her, she told me in her email that she would love to go on a big trip across the U.S. and she wanted to bring someone along. The best person she could think of was me because we had such a good time together on all our trips.

 

This is really tearing me up inside. All this time. All this time when I thought she was moving on and doing her own thing and dating other guys and I thought she had forgotten about me. She was thinking of me all along.

 

This ****ing sucks.

[bluefairy812]

why is she writing this to you? what is she hoping to achieve?

 

all this is doing is causing a major mind f*ck.

[cavalier99]

Hey SomeGeekGuy

 

Weird was just thinking of your situation after having read you whole thread a while back and seeing you most recent post earlier today. I was going to post but forgot.

 

what i was going to ask was.

 

1) would it have been easier on you if you had cut off all contact early on and gone pure NC (i now know the answer)

2) what percent recovered are you after all this time

 

So back to your situation at hand

 

DUUUUUDE STOP THIS! BLOCK HER EMAIL ALREADY. I mean ...great her therapist and her think you are the BEST EVER in her miserable existence of destroying men.

 

AND WTF. She wants you to ride along on this trip as a f*ck buddy? Only to destroy you again. NOOOOO WAYYY.

 

F*ck her. Your recovery doesn't depend on what she thinks of you etcetera. YOU can decide your never going to be drawn in again to her toxic BS.

 

I think that you should have burned%

Edited January 22, 2013 by cavalier99

[cavalier99]

Ps they ALL think of us. I know my ex thinks super well of me. Doesn't mean she didn't dump me...no way I'm going back...even if she comes to me begging on her hands and knees.

 

And the fact that your EX had an epiphany and is getting nostalgic doesn't mean jack sh*t after what she did.

 

She will have no problem tearing your heart out and shredding it to pieces again. I mean.. Take this as a compliment that she thinks well of you. Doesn't mean she truly wants to be with you nor do you need to let this affect you. This is a small trip for her down memory lane. Doesn't mean sh*t except your a cool guy. But then again you already know this.

Edited January 22, 2013 by cavalier99

[cavalier99]

My 1st post got cut off after edit.

 

I was saying

 

..you should have burned her out of your consciousness LONG ago and blocked her on phone, email, social media sites etcetera. I mean F*k her. You are not some experiment because she has some realization in therapy. This cheating HO has left a trail of destruction with men you being one of the most innocent victims. It is up to you to decide that you don't need her toxic BS in your life.

 

The only communication she should ever receive for you is. "F*ck off. Enjoy your trip and life and good luck with therapy. Please don't contact me again as you are blocked. Good bye!".

 

Time to start truly getting over this. You don't need her validation. Take charge of your recovery.

 

What about the new girl? Hang strong. This communication is nothing but big mind f*ck bread crumb. BLOCK HER and relegate her forever to the past. Stop letting her mess up your present..

 

Rock on! Cav

[SomeGeekGuy]

Bluefairy812: I don't know. I really don't. But, yeah, it really messed up my mind. I think she has remorse for what she did. (GOOD!) She really liked me and I guess she hoped that we could remain buddies. I don't think that'll happen.

 

Cavalier99:

 

1) That's initially what we did. At first it was because she told me she needed space. So I gave her space. After a long time, I thought this was for the best. It's only something like 4 months down the road that she finally got back in touch with me. Be it, just for a little while. Then I told her I needed to heal and move on and I couldn't do it with her around. I reiterated that later after crossing paths with her in the street sometime in December. And now she contacted me again. I think it's clear that she wished I was still in her life. It also makes me feel less like an idiot and more like I had done good while I was with her. I'm glad I left a good impression at least.

 

I think the whole no contact thing depends on the situation. It's not a cure-all remedy to relationship problems. Sometimes you need to confront the other person and get some facts straight and get some closure. I wish I had done this initially. I just didn't know how to handle myself and I was an emotional mess so it was hard to communicate. Also, what do you do if you have kids with your SO? You can't go no contact since you share custody. The best thing to do I think is to just play it by ear. If you feel you need this other person out of sight in order for you to move on, then do it.

 

2) Since April of last year... I'd say I was maybe 70-80% until she called me and sent me this email. Now I don't know. I need to digest what happened.

 

I'll write some more later. I gotta get ready and go to work.

[imtooconfused]

SomeGeekGuy, fair warning... This girl is calling and emailing you to get back into your life. I know you are confused about your feelings towards her. But she is dangerous. She probably did the same thing to her last ex, the one she went back to when she dumped you. She's probably going to dump someone else to get back with you. AND SHE WILL DUMP YOU AGAIN IN THE FUTURE when she meets the next "right" guy. She's a mixed up cookie and doesn't really know what's good for her and she never will.

[Hopeful714]

Uggh....Here I just posted a few days ago about how we haven't heard from you and how I was happy because not seeing posts, means that people have moved on....and now this??? Really?

 

I'm sure you ARE the best guy she has dated. Interesting she has realized she has problems and has sought therapy. Kudo's to her there. But boo's and hisses to her to think she can just drop back in on your life as she has. It's selfish, because she is not considering your feelings, and/or doesn't fully grasp the on going pain that this has caused you and possibly others. So obviously she has quite a bit more therapy to do. Hmmm....you would think a therapist would point this out to her? I dunno.

 

But here's what I do know:

 

The more she keeps in contact with you and you accept it, she WILL think that you are friends. This will ease her guilt because in her mind she will think that you have forgave her and all is good with you. So, if you get sucked in, become her friend, FWB, BF, whatever....and then she tramples all over you AGAIN, this will be nobody's fault but your own. I know you realize this. You have to.

 

What do you really really want from this chick at this point? What are you getting from this? And think about what you really really want for your life....and if this is the path that leads to that.

 

Do you seriously think that you can continue to talk, laugh, have a good time, look her in the eye and not see her differently for everything she has done and all the pain she caused? Do you really think you can fully trust her ever again?

 

Ouch...this is messed up ...but I'm thinkin let her be the one to suffer on her own now. She needs to learn the hard way. And you need your self preservation to kick in. Let her be the problem of someone else. It's not your job to fix or be the crutch for her issues, cuz your the "nice and stable" one. Sorry. Keep us posted.

[SomeGeekGuy]

I like you Hopeful714. This last post is very level-headed.

 

While I am nostalgic of the time we passed together, I have battled a depression ever since she left me. It's going to be a year in April and I'm still working on it.

 

I took so many steps to get better and to heal. Went out and tried to meet new people, signed up for yoga (thanks to my previous ex with whom I am good friends) signed up for dodgeball, started two blogs: one for city discoveries - the other for cooking, even changed jobs. I feel a lot more like I got my life under control and I have been meeting lots of great people, including a girl I like and with whom I am getting along very well. I can't say I'm ready for a relationship yet, but I do think she has a lot of good potential. She comes from a good family, kinda like mine actually, and I work with her mom lol.

 

Anyway, this comes at a really bad time. I specifically told her not to get in touch because I started a new job and I'm in a probation period and I need to focus on my work to make a good impression. Today I couldn't focus one bit as a result of her contacting me and telling me all this stuff. Also, I met someone else. This just brings back the memories and screws me up.

 

Anyway. The deed is done, I'm hurt and I don't trust her anymore. Though the whole idea of travelling across the States with her sounds nice and I know it would've been tons of fun , there is no way I am doing that. I need to move on. I need to turn the page. I was too attached to her and I'm never gonna let go if she keeps doing this ****, let alone go on a trip with her.

 

I've been thinking of replying by explaining to her my perspective on what happened. How my trust was shaken when she announced she was married, how I felt cheated and deceived when I realized she spent time with her husband twice while we were in a relationship. And how I think she was cheating on me with this friend of hers that she invited from time to time to her place and never told me about it and that it's pretty strange that he asks about what her relationship with me was and that she told him it was none of her business. I mean that is really shady. And also how, while we were still together, one night she supposedly went out and this dude stopped her on the street one night and told her to go see some art exhibit and how a couple of months later after she dumped me, I catch him in her window half naked and cooking with her. This is all pretty freakin' shady ****.

 

My gut tells me she was cheating on me with all these dudes at the same time. This is why I feel betrayed and deceived. And the fact that this is from someone that I truly loved and had very strong feelings for grieves me to no end and is the very reason why I've been battling depression for almost a year. This depression dragged down all my family, friends and even co-workers. Some even feared I might not get out of it alive. You wouldn't believe how many times my grandma begged me while crying on the phone to tell me not to hurt myself.

 

She should know this. Get it in the clear. She should know what my perception was in this whole deal so she can realize what I was thinking and what I went through. And then maybe she will realize that talking to me doesn't help me at all and if she does care one single bit about me, she would leave me alone.

[cavalier99]

I have one more question. Why haven't you completely blocked her? This is something you control. If you cant block her 100% tell her to f-k off. Not kidding. I'm just sorta confused as to why you don't take the bull by the horns. Your recovery seems sorta passive rather than proactive. You will recover either way. But it is healthier proactivly.

 

Hey I'm not in your shoes but WTF you "ask" her to not contact you because you are too stressed starting new job ecetera.

 

More like TELL her communication is unwanted and, to get over you already, and stop STALKING you ( i know she isn't but say it anyway). You aren't in her life anymore, your aren't here friend, and you NEVER want to hear from her again and are in a new relationship. Good bye and she is blocked so don't bother communicating again.

 

I mean drop the nuclear bomb so she is ashamed into never contacting you again. I know i sound harsh but This friend zone crap you let happen will hold you back. It already has. Be nice to her a year form now if you want. For now be a total a*hole.

 

Basically time to strap on some big balls. Stop being so nice. It wont help your recovery.

 

I get the sense your going to recover anyway without anyone's advise but just wanted to add my thoughts.

Edited January 23, 2013 by cavalier99

[Hopeful714]

SomeGeekGuy-

 

I understand you. I understand your pain. My story is similar in its unique way. In a nutshell I didn't date for a long time but then I met someone who pursued me heavily. I was cautious from the start but we got along well, had fun together and I was immensely attracted to him. Once I fell and fell hard..I noticed a change in him towards me. All of a sudden things weren't adding up. Things he told me were inconsistent. I caught him in many lies. There were disappearances, I saw cars overnight at his house. It took a while for me to figure it all out but I finally saw the truth that "I" was the serious "girlfriend" ....yet there were so many others he would see and screw aside from me. I wondered how can we have the times we have, how can you treat me the way you do, say things to me that you do, spend the amount of time you do with me, and be the way you are with me and then go fuc* others behind my back the whole time? I wondered how he acted with all them?

 

I could not grasp this. And I too sunk into a deep depression. I still have a hard time grasping it at times and know this will be with me forever. I went to work for a while looking like and acting like a zombie. Couldn't eat or sleep. Hair was falling out. Family/friends concerned. I just couldn't believe that someone could do this to me...let alone anyone else (and I did find out he did this to others). I guess I just never knew someone could be so (in my eyes) ruthless.

 

My ex used to tell me things like he was broken. He told me he had a "dark side", he knew he had problems...although I guess I never realized to what extent. His family background was awful. There was abuse. He never had stable relationships. All these red flags I saw, and see clearly now, I ignored...why? I don't know. I can't say. But those are my issues.

 

We like to think of ourselves as "good" people that have high values and morals. We think deep. We feel connections with people. We may be overly sensitive. We would like to think others are like us, but in essence, not everyone is. Not everyone is capable of emotion, empathy, caring and intimacy the way we may experience it. Then again, maybe we fell too hard, gave too much of ourselves...and really they weren't completely feeling what we were...sad but true....maybe it was us...or maybe it was because they just can't feel like we do because we are a bit more emotional? Possibly too emotional. Maybe they are really just broken souls? Maybe we were just incompatible...I don't even know... and it hurts my head to think this to death anymore!!!.....Does this make any sense?

 

Anyhow, this does not excuse our ex's behavior in no means.

 

Now what to do for you?

 

Unfortunately no matter what you say or do I don't think you will ever make her understand your hurt. She may, and I'm sure she most likely does.... know she did you wrong and hurt you, but I'm sure she has no idea of to what degree. I don't think even if you told her... that she would even be able to fathom it. She may not even know what real depression feels like.

 

So, I am concerned about you laying it all out on the table and giving her all your emotions again. I don't think its a good idea. And really, in retrospect...she doesn't deserve it. What your grandma said really makes sense....why are you (we) hurting yourself?

 

Think before you lay that all out. I am several months behind you in your same situation. I am just starting to regain my footing. Someday, I get the feeling I may have to face what you face now. Please tread carefully.

 

So many others on here just say tell her to F off. If only we could be more that way, we wouldn't have these problems. In a sense, that makes sense.

I need a beer now! Good luck. Keep life lite! Keep us posted.

[SomeGeekGuy]

Hopeful714, I like you.

 

You really get me. You seriously do. I am a super sensitive guy. I hate confrontation and I try to be good to people as much as I can. I just can't be an *******, it's not who I am. I'ts not in my nature.

 

But, I think that telling her about the hints I got and how I pieced them together could be an opportunity to maybe get confirmation of some of my conclusions. Maybe I am way off on certain things. Or maybe I am right and this would put some more weight in my arguments. I think she would get the message if I told her how awful I think her actions were.

 

Also, I want to tell her that if she really does care about me at all, she would leave me alone. Otherwise I'm never gonna get better.

 

And if she feels sad and upset about the situation we're in, well I'm really sorry. But, she made the bed and now she has to lie in it.

[Hopeful714]

Just be real careful. People who do things like she did are very skilled at lies and deception. You may not hear the truth to your questions. Also, Id hate for you to have this "talk" and then come home with your head reeling from more of her crap. Again, be careful.

 

And yes...other people like you do exist!

[cavalier99]

U

Hopeful714, I like you.

 

You really get me. You seriously do. I am a super sensitive guy. I hate confrontation and I try to be good to people as much as I can. I just can't be an *******, it's not who I am. I'ts not in my nature.

 

But, I think that telling her about the hints I got and how I pieced them together could be an opportunity to maybe get confirmation of some of my conclusions. Maybe I am way off on certain things. Or maybe I am right and this would put some more weight in my arguments. I think she would get the message if I told her how awful I think her actions were.

 

Also, I want to tell her that if she really does care about me at all, she would leave me alone. Otherwise I'm never gonna get better.

 

And if she feels sad and upset about the situation we're in, well I'm really sorry. But, she made the bed and now she has to lie in it.

 

I think this is more the attitude that will help you get over this. The problem is this irrational desire to tell her your suspicions ect.so you can piece together things to get confirmation of your conclusions. WHO CARES. It is long over. You already have enough info to torment you for years at this rate.

 

She wont care deep down (although she may say she does) and it will only harm you more. Trying to do this is diving head 1st into the rabbit hole and will only add to your confusion and result in emotional turmoil. There is nothing she can tell you that will help you. Even 100 percent honesty and understanding from her is bad for you at this point. Any contact is bad.

 

Your brain needs to purge information about her and deem it irrelevant. You don't need a refill.

 

Also no matter how nice one is. It is easy to block or to bluntly tell some one "leave me alone". Takes just a few seconds. You say you don't want contact but it seems like on some level you do to your detriment in order to analyse more. Don't give in to this desire under the guise of searching for answers or closure or "adding weight to your arguments" there game already is over. No overtime period.

Edited January 24, 2013 by cavalier99

[TrueAwareness]

 

So many others on here just say tell her to F off. If only we could be more that way, we wouldn't have these problems. In a sense, that makes sense.

I need a beer now! Good luck. Keep life lite! Keep us posted.

 

I understand you in so many levels. But that last line says it all. Some of us just cant bring ourselves to hurt the ones we love so much. In my case my ex of 7 years left me because i didt want to get married until we had enough stability, but after 5 years i said lets get married and she replied "now i dont want to, because you didnt want to when i wanted to".

 

I should have seen that it was going donwhil from there for sure. And then when i was working very hard to become better for her, she started demanding more and more attention, she started wanting more and more, while i asked for nothing but her support.

 

She humilliated me saying i wasnt good enough, when in the first 3 years, she would weep in my bed holding me almost obsessively saying things like "please never leave me" and "i would die without you". And it just seems to me that she saw that i would never leave her, and i was working hard for both of us. And instead of apreciating it, she took advantage of it to torture me emotionally.

 

And after all that crap i just cant bring myself to not be there for her if she has a serious problem. I have no contacted her for about a month, and i wouldnt be there for her if some guy dumped her and she needs a shoulder to cry on. She has many friends for that. But i would be there in a heartbeat if a guy hit her, or if she got sick and needed taking care of.

 

To some people we are idiots. We are people that allow others to abuse them. But thats not what we are, we just care too much, and we cant just tell someone we love to go to hell.

 

And im not even the most lovable person in the world. I have flaws, i have a short temper and i dont usually give second chances to people that hurt me or betray me. But when i love someone so much, all that changes.

[SomeGeekGuy]

After a week of reflection I finally sent my reply. It took a while because I really had to filter through my emotions and my thoughts, otherwise I would've sent her something that would've been inappropriate and I think that would've sparked either a confrontation or a debate and it would've never ended.

 

I met a friend for some drinks this evening and it was him who basically said what I needed to hear. I was able to cut all the emotional crap out of my email and say what needed to be said.

 

I hope the message gets through this time.

[na49]

Sorry, I'm tired and lazy so I haven't read your whole thread.

 

When was the last time you heard from her before she called you/sent you that email? I can understand where you're at right now. You have no idea what she wants, but I hope your reply gets through to her. I'm sure you'll get a response from her, so I wonder what it will say... Could it be that she's hit a rough patch with her husband? Could she want you back? Gah the questions must drive you mad. but I give you props for being able to cut the emotional crap out of your response and be direct about what you want to say.

[SomeGeekGuy]

She replied not too long after. She wanted me to give her a second chance and to have a real relationship and start over with me. One that is not all messed up like it was before.

 

She knows I'm mad at her and that's not going to happen. She's very sad about that.

 

So am I. We had a good thing while it lasted. Now we both have to pay for her mess.

[TrueAwareness]

This has to be the craziest relationship i have read about in this forums. But then again, im kind of new here.

[cavalier99]

She replied not too long after. She wanted me to give her a second chance and to have a real relationship and start over with me. One that is not all messed up like it was before.

 

She knows I'm mad at her and that's not going to happen. She's very sad about that.

 

So am I. We had a good thing while it lasted. Now we both have to pay for her mess.

 

Hey. Good for you man. You would have never said no like 6 months ago. Are u ok? What about new girl?