Girl I am dating for almost a year is getting back with her ... husband.

[StarsOnFire]

Gah, I was JUST about to post about how proud of you I was, that you've moved forward and that you're such a different person from the first post you made, and then I got to page 19. Uggh, please, don't give her back the power over how YOU feel about yourself. She's a user, and she's a controller and she's a manipulator. She's broken bonds with everyone in her life, because she doesn't treat people with respect. You cannot hold onto relationships when you just use people, and it seems like everyone else has realized this about her.

 

Please, for your sake, step back. Do not feel bad, you deserve to put yourself first. How dare she try to continually pull you back into her web? I can almost bet, every time she reached out to you was when a different dude realized he was being used and stopped playing her games. You seem to be her go-to because you're such a nice guy and because she knows you will eventually respond and she still has power over you, whether you think she does or not.

 

You decide how you feel each day, she gave you up, so please don't let her control your emotions to this day.

 

You are a good guy, and you really really need to cut this toxic person completely out of your life. From an outside perspective she was a horrible girlfriend, and at this point she is a horrible friend. Please block her from everything, or she will continue to control your feelings and you.

[SomeGeekGuy]

God damn it you guys...

 

I can't help but feel really bad. She was molested as a child by one of her parents and she's in emotional distress and doesn't have anyone to help her cope. This has been weighing really heavily on my mind.

 

For my own problems, I had my parents and my friends to keep me afloat. She's got no one. And this white knight mentality of mine keeps kicking in and makes me want to go see her.

 

Also, with spring, memories of my good times with her are popping back into my head and I'm getting kind of like little flashback memories of it all along with the gut-wrenching feeling I had when she broke up with me and memories of when I first started walking alone in the city and thinking about how we had good times at this place and at that place. It's all coming back.

 

I know it's completely irrational. I know that I have to let this go. For christ's sake, I didn't get this far to slump back down again like this.

 

I'm also getting terribly bored with my life. I need some kind of escape. I need to make another couple of trips somewhere. I need an adventure.

 

EDIT:

 

Looking back at my post, I feel completely pathetic.

 

I'll have to wait a bit more and let time take care of this. Again.

 

I just wish I had someone in my life to make me forget about her. Someone wonderful who will make me feel really happy. But, at the same time I'm kind of scared of getting myself into another relationship and quite frankly, I don't think I want to put in the effort anymore after having put so much into my ex.

Edited May 5, 2013 by SomeGeekGuy

[SomeGeekGuy]

Honestly, just tell her truth and set your boundary in stone:

 

"look, I'm sorry you are going through Hell. I wish I could help you a little more than referrals etc. But I CAN'T because the end of our relationship put me through such chaos it threatened my very life. (or if you want to save face say, "it threw me into a major funk." and I CAN'T risk that happening again. Be well. You are special (blah blah) I know you'll make it through this but I can't be a support for you in that way. Best of luck."

 

I've been thinking about it. I don't know if I should send her that message. It's been a week already since that last email where she sounded upset. I just feel it's a bad way to cut communication with her.

 

It's probably just best to leave it. I dunno.

[cavalier99]

Of course its best that you just leave it. You dont know it... but I do. No message. NOTHING.

 

You are just self sabotaging. But you already know this. The question is why??? Cav

[SomeGeekGuy]

I really don't know. I really, really don't know why Cav.

 

I think there are a lot of things that have affected me in the past that is making me have these impulses.

 

I think one of them could be due to my relationship before that. I was with a girl for 5 years and she was very demanding. And she always expected me to be a kind of a hero. She'd even set up these dramatic schemes where I felt I had to go "rescue" her, in a way. It was completely childish and quite tiring. But, that's what I had to do to keep her from doing really stupid things and even as far as to keep her from harming herself. I was just thinking about that today and I think that might be where I developed this whole white knight thing.

 

Also, I just hate knowing that someone out there is pissed at me. I don't know why. I just really don't like it when people are mad at me. I don't even know why I even care.

[aisuru]

God damn it you guys...

 

I can't help but feel really bad. She was molested as a child by one of her parents and she's in emotional distress and doesn't have anyone to help her cope. This has been weighing really heavily on my mind.

 

 

 

A lot of us were molested as a child. As we get older, if we're smart, we figure out how to move past that. It's not your problem. Only she can figure that out.

 

Stop trying to fix her or save her. Only she can do that. I promise she will figure it out if she realizes how the aftermath is impacting her life. There is NOTHING you can do to fix that.

 

Only she can impact how the molestation is affecting her life.

 

Not everybody will like you. Not every break up will go smoothly. Let it go. You will then feel empowered to move on.

Edited May 6, 2013 by aisuru

[cavalier99]

I really don't know. I really, really don't know why Cav.

 

I think there are a lot of things that have affected me in the past that is making me have these impulses.

 

I think one of them could be due to my relationship before that. I was with a girl for 5 years and she was very demanding. And she always expected me to be a kind of a hero. She'd even set up these dramatic schemes where I felt I had to go "rescue" her, in a way. It was completely childish and quite tiring. But, that's what I had to do to keep her from doing really stupid things and even as far as to keep her from harming herself. I was just thinking about that today and I think that might be where I developed this whole white knight thing.

 

Also, I just hate knowing that someone out there is pissed at me. I don't know why. I just really don't like it when people are mad at me. I don't even know why I even care.

 

Ha kudos for being honest. Shower this attention on somebody who loves you like you mom or something. Lol

 

I do understand the desire to be helpful. I helped my ex out with a ton of stuff and she was sorta high maintenance.

 

Im starting out a new RS and i find myself doing some things that i might have done with my ex to avoid a possible negative reaction, only to find out that some of my EXTRA thoughtfulness isnt really necesary and might in fact be my own residual hang ups form my old RS. It isnt a big deal and im learning to set boundaries ecetera.

 

The thing is this girl deserves to be treated well and deserves my attention so its all good. Your ex doesnt. Cav

[SomeGeekGuy]

Hey guys,

 

Just got another email from my ex. She's just saying "I can't tell you how bad this is." I replied asking her what's going on. And she said it was the ptsd thing. She mentioned before in her previous emails that she's been experiencing flashbacks and having panic attacks and severe insomnia.

 

Sounds like she's desperately trying to reach out for help from anyone willing to listen.

 

Though I have been feeling better and have gotten over the last emails she sent me, I'm kinda worried.

[dreamingoftigers]

I didn't notice the subsequent posts until this morning.

 

Yes, it is ABSOLUTELY TRAGIC what happened to her.

 

She seems to be floundering around relationally quite a bit as a result.

Here's the thing though: not one man has been able to "save" her so far from her demons. Because they CAN'T and she does need to learn that men can't save her from herself. She needs to learn to self-regulate.

 

She may never because there's always a willing guy next up to "save" her.

The best thing you can do for both YOURSELF and HER is not be part of this toxic process. Don't buy a drunk a drink. Don't give a validation junkie repeated pats on the back. She DOESN'T know her limit or how to respond healthily.

 

You can't see it because it appears that you're a bit of a validation-junkie too. Or else you wouldn't be so drawn to this. Why do you need to be someone's hero?

 

What's wrong with being SomeGeekGuy and knowing that you are a human being with feelings that deserves to be treated better?

 

God damn it you guys...

 

I can't help but feel really bad. She was molested as a child by one of her parents and she's in emotional distress and doesn't have anyone to help her cope. This has been weighing really heavily on my mind.

 

For my own problems, I had my parents and my friends to keep me afloat. She's got no one. And this white knight mentality of mine keeps kicking in and makes me want to go see her.

 

Also, with spring, memories of my good times with her are popping back into my head and I'm getting kind of like little flashback memories of it all along with the gut-wrenching feeling I had when she broke up with me and memories of when I first started walking alone in the city and thinking about how we had good times at this place and at that place. It's all coming back.

 

I know it's completely irrational. I know that I have to let this go. For christ's sake, I didn't get this far to slump back down again like this.

 

I'm also getting terribly bored with my life. I need some kind of escape. I need to make another couple of trips somewhere. I need an adventure.

 

EDIT:

 

Looking back at my post, I feel completely pathetic.

 

I'll have to wait a bit more and let time take care of this. Again.

 

I just wish I had someone in my life to make me forget about her. Someone wonderful who will make me feel really happy. But, at the same time I'm kind of scared of getting myself into another relationship and quite frankly, I don't think I want to put in the effort anymore after having put so much into my ex.

[dreamingoftigers]

Hey guys,

 

Just got another email from my ex. She's just saying "I can't tell you how bad this is." I replied asking her what's going on. And she said it was the ptsd thing. She mentioned before in her previous emails that she's been experiencing flashbacks and having panic attacks and severe insomnia.

 

Sounds like she's desperately trying to reach out for help from anyone willing to listen.

 

Though I have been feeling better and have gotten over the last emails she sent me, I'm kinda worried.

 

Buddy, seriously.

 

I have childhood-PTSD. EMDR therapy works wonders. Send her a link with EMDR providers in the Montreal area and ask her not to contact you again. Ignore or block any subsequent communication. This is BAIT. I've BEEN there. I've felt so bad I wanted to end things. I was hospitalized 3 times in my early 20s (very early 20s). NO ONE could have saved me from myself until I got the EMDR therapy.

 

Do you not remember SHE TOLD YOU to take a hike?

 

White Knight, stop trying Yo save a damsel who puts HERSELF into distress so you will save her.

 

Go fight your own validation-dragons. You can't save New France until you slay your own co-dependency and validation dragons!

 

Your next girlfriend/Love of Your Life/Future Kids (?) are depending on you. Waste no time.

 

Don't get distracted by the Siren tempting you ever closer to the Rocky Shoals.

 

Duh.

[SomeGeekGuy]

Oh. My. God. You guys!

 

I just realized that her husband tried to contact me via Facebook a year ago through messages when he found out about what was going on!!!

 

He believed that I was just a friend to her and that I had been a very good friend. I know that she had been talking about me a lot to her family and friends back home and she probably told him about me as being just a friend too.

 

Anyway, he wrote to me on Facebook because at first he really thought I was just a good friend and he wanted advice to save his marriage. Jesus!

 

Then a month later, he wanted to talk to me to get to the truth. He said that he rapidly found that his relationship with her was a lie as he was spent an hour on the phone talking to her "current" boyfriend at the time, which was the other dude I spotted in her kitchen window. That's when he told me he was going back to Atlanta to file for divorce, but that he would've liked to talk to me to get some closure.

 

HO-LY F*CK!

 

Finally, he sent a short message saying that he wasn't angry at me and that my ex had fooled us all.

 

Wow! That really gave me back some perspective on things. The gall that she had to pull something like this and lie to everyone. F*cking sh*t!

 

Even though it's been a year, I feel like I should reply to the guy. Tell him what really happened. I feel so relieved that he's not angry at me and that he realized we just all got fooled. I still can't believe I just noticed this now!!!

[SomeGeekGuy]

You can't see it because it appears that you're a bit of a validation-junkie too. Or else you wouldn't be so drawn to this. Why do you need to be someone's hero?

 

Yeah. I am a validation junkie. You're right about that.

 

Go fight your own validation-dragons. You can't save New France until you slay your own co-dependency and validation dragons!

 

Your next girlfriend/Love of Your Life/Future Kids (?) are depending on you. Waste no time.

 

Don't get distracted by the Siren tempting you ever closer to the Rocky Shoals.

 

Duh.

 

It's funny, I'm replying to this just as I receive an email from my ex again telling me she will probably not be around for long. Meaning she might be evaluated as unfit for work and will lose her job and have to pack up and go.

 

That with just finding out the old messages from her ex husband, it's really throwing me into a weird emotional state.

 

I wish right now I could just unfurl all my thoughts and all my feelings in this huge-a** email and just throw that in her face and make her realize "this is exactly why you are alone right now!"

 

But, that's not gonna help anybody.

 

God damn it! It's been over a year and I'm still blabbing on about this. F*ck!

[dreamingoftigers]

Totally reply to him, send him a link to the thread too.

 

I mean, if that's cool and all....

 

But he doesn't know you personally and can see what a total lying, bitch she was, it would totally give him and probably you and ton of closure.

 

Jeepers man, jeepers......

 

If she contacts you again, let her know that her HUSBAND contacted you about her other BOYFRIEND and that you just want her to exit stage left and stop messing with your head. That even as an ACQUAINTANCE you can't trust her.

 

Open and shut case her dude.

 

Oh. My. God. You guys!

 

I just realized that her husband tried to contact me via Facebook a year ago through messages when he found out about what was going on!!!

 

He believed that I was just a friend to her and that I had been a very good friend. I know that she had been talking about me a lot to her family and friends back home and she probably told him about me as being just a friend too.

 

Anyway, he wrote to me on Facebook because at first he really thought I was just a good friend and he wanted advice to save his marriage. Jesus!

 

Then a month later, he wanted to talk to me to get to the truth. He said that he rapidly found that his relationship with her was a lie as he was spent an hour on the phone talking to her "current" boyfriend at the time, which was the other dude I spotted in her kitchen window. That's when he told me he was going back to Atlanta to file for divorce, but that he would've liked to talk to me to get some closure.

 

HO-LY F*CK!

 

Finally, he sent a short message saying that he wasn't angry at me and that my ex had fooled us all.

 

Wow! That really gave me back some perspective on things. The gall that she had to pull something like this and lie to everyone. F*cking sh*t!

 

Even though it's been a year, I feel like I should reply to the guy. Tell him what really happened. I feel so relieved that he's not angry at me and that he realized we just all got fooled. I still can't believe I just noticed this now!!!

[SomeGeekGuy]

Totally reply to him, send him a link to the thread too.

 

I mean, if that's cool and all....

 

But he doesn't know you personally and can see what a total lying, bitch she was, it would totally give him and probably you and ton of closure.

 

Jeepers man, jeepers......

 

If she contacts you again, let her know that her HUSBAND contacted you about her other BOYFRIEND and that you just want her to exit stage left and stop messing with your head. That even as an ACQUAINTANCE you can't trust her.

 

Open and shut case her dude.

 

At this point I just want to remind her of what she did and tell her that I feel like she is trying to manipulate me. All her lying and cheating has lead me to believe that's what she's trying to do.

 

Even though she might be in distress right now, I feel like she's just trying to manipulate me through my feelings to pull me in. Plain and simple.

 

Anyway, it's freakin' 2:30 am here and I can't sleep. I'm gonna ignore her for now and just read a book or something and try to get some shut eye.

 

EDIT:

Oh and this thread is my secret. I haven't shared it with anybody, not even my family or closest friends. So I wouldn't share it with her ex husband either. I'd be too scared that he'd send her the link and she would find out.

Edited May 20, 2013 by SomeGeekGuy

[dreamingoftigers]

I'm going to go against the grain a bit here.....

 

Maybe you should dump it into a big-ass email.

 

DO NOT LINK HER to this thread because she'll get on here and blah blah blah....

 

BUT if you dump it into a big ass email and instead of saying "this is why you are alone right now" say "THIS is why I need out of this unhealthy situation. I realize that you have your own stuff to deal with BUT this messed up stuff HAS TO STOP. And do it for you. And be very clear that you don't want to hear from her AT ALL. That you "wish her the best" but that you won't be responding to her anymore. AT ALL. And BLOCK HER. Tell her that if she does find a way to contact you, you WILL NOT RESPOND. Not because you "hate her" or are "angry with her" but because it is damned unhealthy.

 

And you want your life to get better and move on from this whole big, nasty mess.

 

Maybe that will give you the closure. Maybe those words or even just writing it will be enough to flip the switch. And when you do meet that right, trustworthy woman you can share what you went through with her and she will APPRECIATE your emotional openness, honesty, dedication and strength. Because us chicks get off on that stuff. That's right. We do. (In general, I'm not sitting here, next to my husband and dog having "a moment" or anything. Fu*k it's late here and I'm tired.)

 

Yeah. I am a validation junkie. You're right about that.

 

It's funny, I'm replying to this just as I receive an email from my ex again telling me she will probably not be around for long. Meaning she might be evaluated as unfit for work and will lose her job and have to pack up and go.

 

That with just finding out the old messages from her ex husband, it's really throwing me into a weird emotional state.

 

I wish right now I could just unfurl all my thoughts and all my feelings in this huge-a** email and just throw that in her face and make her realize "this is exactly why you are alone right now!"

 

But, that's not gonna help anybody.

 

God damn it! It's been over a year and I'm still blabbing on about this. F*ck!

[dreamingoftigers]

At this point I just want to remind her of what she did and tell her that I feel like she is trying to manipulate me. All her lying and cheating has lead me to believe that's what she's trying to do.

 

Even though she might be in distress right now, I feel like she's just trying to manipulate me through my feelings to pull me in. Plain and simple.

 

Telling her "I think you are trying to manipulate me" only gives her the option to say "no I'm not, I just blah blah blah <insert trauma, job worries, musical theater and lame excuses here>.

 

You send her what you have and say, "even if you aren't manipulating me, or whatever your intents, this situation is too toxic for me." Close this sucker down. Don't start an argument about whether she "is" or "isn't" or "kinda is" manipulating you. It just leaves you open to more manipulation!

 

Plus most manipulators don't sit there thinking, "hmm who do I manipulate today? Bill's out of town, Larry's got that thing this weekend, I guess I could manipulate him out of that."

 

They just automatically pull on emotions to validate themselves.

[SomeGeekGuy]

I haven't replied to her last email yet. But, I wrote up a draft of what I want to say.

 

Would anyone care to review what I wrote and give me some feedback? I would appreciate it a lot.

 

I'll PM it to you.

[dreamingoftigers]

I haven't replied to her last email yet. But, I wrote up a draft of what I want to say.

 

Would anyone care to review what I wrote and give me some feedback? I would appreciate it a lot.

 

I'll PM it to you.

Pick me, pick me!

[SomeGeekGuy]

Pick me, pick me!

 

I would but I got an error message:

 

"dreamingoftigers has exceeded their stored private messages quota and cannot accept further messages until they clear some space."

[dreamingoftigers]

I would but I got an error message:

 

"dreamingoftigers has exceeded their stored private messages quota and cannot accept further messages until they clear some space."

 

Whoops, I signed up to support a breakup poster.

 

Gotta clean out a couple. 5 mins.

 

[SomeGeekGuy]

****... I just lost my job today.

 

Like I needed this.

 

I think I'm gonna leave this like it is. F*ck it. I got bigger problems to deal with now.

[CptSaveAho]

It's been a year bro, time to move forward... let it go

 

Continuing to post in this thread and conjure up emails, you continue to live in the never ending cycle of reliving this breakup over and over again

 

As Don Draper said " listen to me, get out of here and move forward. This never happened. It will shock you how much it never happened."

[dreamingoftigers]

****... I just lost my job today.

 

Like I needed this.

 

I think I'm gonna leave this like it is. F*ck it. I got bigger problems to deal with now.

 

Maybe it'll be a welcome distraction.

 

We tend to do better during adversity that isn't relationship-related. (Cut her out).

 

Best of luck.

[SomeGeekGuy]

Hey all. I found another job. Everything's cool!

[SomeGeekGuy]

Hi everyone!

 

Guess what? I found someone. :-)

 

It's still in the early stages but, it shows that there is hope out there!