Girl I am dating for almost a year is getting back with her ... husband.

October 1, 2012

ok, post again when you are actually ready for help. good luck till then, good to see you with an appt.

October 2, 2012

Ive read almost every single post on this thread and my heart goes out too you geekyguy. Im from montreal as well and have had similar experiences as the ones you've described.

Its a hard road to travel when you realize you are on the road alone, but that doesnt make it less awesome.

The euphoria that can come from a good relationship, even one seeded in doubt and lies, can be quite addictive and intoxicating. You my friend, such as many others of us are hooked onto an idea which no longer exists.

The issue here has no longer anything to do with this woman who broke your heart, it has to do with what you have trapped yourself into. You have identified the problem, you know that contact with her just fuels your depression, but you still go anyways... either with texts, emails or physical visits, why? because you are trying to solve the problem of your unhappiness with the person who made you unhappy.

It's a vicious loop of feelings that you must learn to identify as the source, not the solution to your situation. E.g. you stopped talking to her, went out, vacationed and started getting better, she then contacted you and you got depressed again. This has happened time and time again because you think you can master your feelings towards the person creating them within you. This cannot be done my friend. Not now, probably not ever. Only after you have seen the truth of how she is "just another human", no better or worse than any other, will you be able to control yourself.

This is the plight of all those who have suffered a broken heart. How is it possible that the people who instill such feelings in us not recognize them in themselves for us. How can i have loved a woman or man so much, yet he did not feel the same. Its a hard truth, both humbling and insightful once you have seen it.

You will stay in a slum of turmoil for a long time if you think shes going to make you happy. She will not, and deep down, i think you know this, you just love the fact that she made you feel this way and only she can do that. But she did nothing, you made yourself feel this way by being so awesome with the gifts and flowers and all. Some girl out there is gonna lose her **** over YOU soon enough because of how you are as a person, and that's when the truth of how beautiful and magnificent the world actually is will hit you like a ton of bricks.

Its a big world out there, laisse pas une personne determiner le futur qui t"appartient.

Good luck!

October 2, 2012

Dude, I can't believe you're not feeling better yet! Once you go to counseling, keep going and read books on self help. Check out the pathwaytohappiness website. Check out anything to do with improving yourself. Stop dwelling in the past!!!!! That sh*t will kill you! Stop thinking soul mates, there's no such thing. What if my soul mate was born in 1756 or she's not even born yet? Get my point, of the billions of people on the planet or million or so where you live, I'm sure there's bound to be a few that you could fall in love with, and will actually treat you how you're supposed to be treated.

Most importantly though, get some help!!!! And I mean that in the nicest way possible.

Good luck man.

October 2, 2012

Ive read almost every single post on this thread and my heart goes out too you geekyguy. Im from montreal as well and have had similar experiences as the ones you've described.

Its a hard road to travel when you realize you are on the road alone, but that doesnt make it less awesome.

The euphoria that can come from a good relationship, even one seeded in doubt and lies, can be quite addictive and intoxicating. You my friend, such as many others of us are hooked onto an idea which no longer exists.

The issue here has no longer anything to do with this woman who broke your heart, it has to do with what you have trapped yourself into. You have identified the problem, you know that contact with her just fuels your depression, but you still go anyways... either with texts, emails or physical visits, why? because you are trying to solve the problem of your unhappiness with the person who made you unhappy.

It's a vicious loop of feelings that you must learn to identify as the source, not the solution to your situation. E.g. you stopped talking to her, went out, vacationed and started getting better, she then contacted you and you got depressed again. This has happened time and time again because you think you can master your feelings towards the person creating them within you. This cannot be done my friend. Not now, probably not ever. Only after you have seen the truth of how she is "just another human", no better or worse than any other, will you be able to control yourself.

This is the plight of all those who have suffered a broken heart. How is it possible that the people who instill such feelings in us not recognize them in themselves for us. How can i have loved a woman or man so much, yet he did not feel the same. Its a hard truth, both humbling and insightful once you have seen it.

You will stay in a slum of turmoil for a long time if you think shes going to make you happy. She will not, and deep down, i think you know this, you just love the fact that she made you feel this way and only she can do that. But she did nothing, you made yourself feel this way by being so awesome with the gifts and flowers and all. Some girl out there is gonna lose her **** over YOU soon enough because of how you are as a person, and that's when the truth of how beautiful and magnificent the world actually is will hit you like a ton of bricks.

Its a big world out there, laisse pas une personne determiner le futur qui t"appartient.

Good luck!

Best. Reply. Ever.

You really, really understand and your words got to me.

Thank you. Seriously.

Hinatticus: I am feeling a whole lot better than a couple of months ago. I'm able to focus at work, I've joined up on a dodgeball team, I'm doing activities, etc. My humour is still down a little and I'm very pensive most of the time, but I get by. Thanks for still hanging around this thread though. Your words and advice are always welcome

It's true that I'm dwelling in the past and hanging on to something that will never exist anymore. I'm fully aware of that.

I think it's important to stress that I am not the one initiating contact with her. I never start any conversation whether it's by text, phone, email or whatever. She's the one contacting me and it's because she wants to know how I am and I know that she still likes me very much and wants to stay in touch with me. I think her invitation to do an activity together is proof of that.

I really don't know what went through my mind when I accepted. I'm down with a cold, I was half asleep past 2 am because I had trouble sleeping and I guess I wasn't thinking straight. I've started on a short email to tell her that I appreciate her invitation, but after reflecting on it, I think it's best if we don't hang out together. I know she means well and just wants to hang out and have a good time, and I also know she's very sorry for what she did. But, I still have unresolved feelings and I am still not over what happened. So I think it's best if I have my own space for a while, otherwise I won't be able to move on.

That's basically the gist of it. I think it's okay because I'm not making a big fuss about anything, it's pretty mature sounding and gets straight to the point. What do you guys think?

October 3, 2012

I too was a rebound and feel your pain. I reconnected with an old friend from many years ago and we hit it off. She was "fresh" out of a relationship and I foolishly believed it was over between her and her ex.

She assured then re-assured me she was done with him...that I was so special....so loving and caring...made her feel so special and appreciated blah blah blah.

We dated for a year then out of the blue she tells me she going back to him....needless to say I was devestated and it took me almost a year to finally put her..the b/u behind me.

Hang in there..it gets better...your not alone.

October 4, 2012

Thanks Mike. It really is a tough thing to go through.

October 4, 2012

I sent her the email last night.

Basically, I turned her down to hang out this weekend. I explained to her that the last time I saw her I was out of it for a while and I think that seeing her again is just going to hurt me once more.

My feelings for her are still there and my heart is still broken. I need to get over her and I can't achieve that if we stay in touch.

I know she's really sorry for breaking my heart and she means well by wanting to do activities with me, but I'm not ready for that yet and I need some space a little while longer. But, I still want to keep in touch in the future, when I feel ready.

I also said that I wouldn't want to miss an opportunity to see her again before she moves back home.

Her moving back is something that I dread and am very anxious about. I like that girl and knowing she will be gone for good drives me insane. That's why it was so hard to send her this letter because I feel I'm missing an opportunity to hang out with her before she goes back.

I cried all morning thinking about this and I'm having a tough time at work. My conscience tells me it's for the best, but my heart really really wants to just hold her and hug her as hard as I can, while I can. I am really torn apart inside.

I can't wait to talk to my therapist tomorrow.

Edited October 4, 2012 by SomeGeekGuy
missed a detail

October 4, 2012

Oh and I forgot to mention.

One thing that lead to this is how uncomfortable I was when she mentioned how this friend of hers was hanging out at her place last week.

He's a guy she's known ever since she moved here. When I was asking her about him one time she admitted she once had a fling with him. But, she insists that he's just a friend.

October 5, 2012

You know, I feel like I sent that email without really any signs or warnings.

I feel like I owe her some kind of explanation.

All she did was call me to know how I was, invited me to do something and I freaked out.

October 5, 2012

You know, I feel like I sent that email without really any signs or warnings.

I feel like I owe her some kind of explanation.

All she did was call me to know how I was, invited me to do something and I freaked out.

Please stop. You sent it. Let it be. Don't do something and then go back to rectify it, explain it, retract it, etc.

It's fine that you freaked out. It's because you are emotionally invested. This is proof that you CANNOT handle communication and you're in too deep to handle any sort of anything with her.

You want to explain now because your freak out may send her running the other way and you're afraid of her perception, so now you want to turn it around.

Stop.

October 5, 2012

You want to explain now because your freak out may send her running the other way and you're afraid of her perception, so now you want to turn it around.

Yeah, kind of.

Also, I haven't received any response from her and I hate this.

If only she could have written something back like "That's okay, I understand." or whatever, it would have made me feel less anxious.

October 5, 2012

Yeah, kind of.

Also, I haven't received any response from her and I hate this.

If only she could have written something back like "That's okay, I understand." or whatever, it would have made me feel less anxious.

The thing is, she is not stupid. She knows you are emotional and it doesn't change her perception.

Stop creating scenarios whereby you end up wanting or needing a response or reaction from her to make you feel better. If you NC, you release yourself from ever having to play hostage to her.

If you choose to send an email, send it and let that be a message that you needed to send rather than motive to get a reaction.

Stop doing this to yourself.

October 5, 2012

cmon, stop embarrassing yourself, pick yourself up off the mat and move on. This is the whole reason NC exists.

October 6, 2012

The thing is, she is not stupid. She knows you are emotional and it doesn't change her perception.

Stop creating scenarios whereby you end up wanting or needing a response or reaction from her to make you feel better. If you NC, you release yourself from ever having to play hostage to her.

If you choose to send an email, send it and let that be a message that you needed to send rather than motive to get a reaction.

Stop doing this to yourself.

Listen To Geegirl and follow her advise...She's sooooo right!!!

October 6, 2012

I am sorry this happened to you, Must have been a huge shock.I dont know what to say other than .You deserve someone in your life who is as caring and invested in a relationship as you are.....

It was unfair of her to date you when she was invested elsewhere....she would have known that those feelings existed.Obviously she wasn't out of love for her husband......It is her loss....best wishes......deb

October 8, 2012

I went to see my parents this weekend. I went there Saturday night. I was a complete emotional mess. My parents were pretty mad at me because they couldn't believe that after six months I was still not over my ex. They were also pretty mad at my ex for getting back in touch with me. Especially since she knows how I feel about her and after the fact that she's been seeing other guys in the past six months. We had a bit of an argument over all of it, but in the end I cried in my parents arms so much that my stomach even hurt.

God it felt good to let it out though.

I also spoke with a close friend of mine this weekend and told him about this. He's usually not very mature, but this time he really proved me wrong about that. He told me some things and made me realize that I shouldn't be so hard on myself. And that made me think.

She had a difficult past and had to deal with abandonment several times. Her mother, her father, her first boyfriend, first husband and probably other men in her life.

Last one was her now ex husband. From all her accounts, though she claims she had a great time with him during the first year of their relationship, the guy seemed like a lousy dork who never really cared about their relationship.

From what she told me, he was never keen on going to see her up here. He'd come up here maybe once a year. She proposed to him to come live up here with her and he never wanted to for fear of getting lonely. He didn't want to leave his friends behind, or he had a nephew or something for whom he wanted to be there, or he'd come up with other excuses not to live with her here. When he asked her hand in marriage she accepted because she thought he was going to actually make up his mind, but she soon realized that he still didn't want to. That's when things fell apart between them. When she went back home and visited him, his home was really dirty and unkempt. His roommates and him would have stacks of old pizza boxes and thrash all over the place. Heck, there were roaches in every corner of the kitchen. She was so disgusted that was the reason why she really extended her stay here. Because if she was going to go back there to reconcile herself with her husband, there was no way she was going to live in a **** pile like this. Also, his car was always broken down and he'd spend days trying to fix it himself. When they eventually divorced, the guy got himself a contract job in the Netherlands. He wouldn't want to move to Montreal for a couple of years, but he moves out to a different continent? Yeah. That's pretty lame.

So. when I think about what she had with me and what she could've had, she missed out on a pretty f*cking good opportunity. I am a good looking young man who takes care of his physical appearance. I am a professional with an engineering degree in a field that doesn't lack any jobs. I have a very good career with a very good wage. I have a car that I bought brand new and have kept in excellent condition. I have my own apartment which is always neat and clean and that I work hard to maintain it this way. I am a very good cook. I know how to take good care of a partner after being in a relationship for 5 years with a very demanding woman. I am a loving, caring and very patient person with a big heart who invests himself fully in his relationship. I have a wonderful loving family who has always welcomed new members with wide open arms and who has raised me with strong morals and family values which has made me an honest man of integrity. I also know that I am a fun person with a great sense of humour, who loves adventure and who is looking to enjoy the most out of life. And from what I've been told, I'm pretty damn good in the sack.

I demonstrated my feelings for her in many ways. No only physically with acts of affection but I also surprised her with gifts and took her out and did my best to show her a really good time and share my passions with her. For Christmas I took her to a wonderful Finnish spa up north in the mountains as a means to spend time together and help her relax from her job and temporarily forget her problems. We had a wonderful time there. And my most romantic move, I swear this is the most romantic thing I've ever done, was the Valentine's day surprise I did for her. A trail of satin rose petals from her apartment's front door, all the way to the dining room, where I was waiting for her all dressed up with a candle-lit table and a Chinese fondue dinner and her apartment all tidied up. She didn't have to lift a finger and everything was taken care of. Seriously, what woman could resist that?

My ex decided to turn down what I had to offer. She turned down a chance at having a stable person in her life who would've gone through lengths to support her and be her rock. Someone who would've taken good care of her when she is sick, who would've given her so much love and affection. Someone whose family would've gladly welcomed her and have provided her with even more of that. Great family dinners around a table accompanied by people who love you and care about you. She turned that all down over some lousy dorky chump who lives in a dump with roaches and a couple of friends and a broken down car that would barely take him anywhere.

I wish I could tell her all of this and make her realize the mistake she's made.

I could've been her hero. I could've been the one to save her from her anxiety and sadness and I would've brought love, happiness and stability back to her life.

Because she made me so happy. She gave every love song their meaning. Life was so bright with her in it. Though she deceived me, I saw a lot of good qualities in her. She has a lot of potential. Now I'm just a sad sap with very little hope of ever being happy again.

October 8, 2012

You are going to have to stop wrapping your life around someone who doesn't share your feelings my friend. You are letting life pass you by because you are looking at the cracks in the window and wallowing on how to fix them instead of gazing out into the world past the problem that is right in front of you and... quite frankly, not that important.

Investing yourself so much must be taxing on your mental strength. When are you going to just get fed up of this situation? when are you going to realize that its just not worth it anymore to bang yourself against a brick wall which doesn't seem, or want, to move?

You must be exhausted. "Life was so bright with her in it" ... does that mean that the entirety of your existence is made for you too suffer because you cannot be with said person? You are an engineer if i read correctly, which means you have a logical mind and sound thinking when it comes to the workings of the world around you. Does it make sense that all that you are is a puppet of emotions pulled by one persons strings? with 7 billion people on earth, i think you can perhaps visualize that one problem can have many solutions, and your happiness can be found not only within yourself, but with many others.

Dont be sad... be happy, because the next step in your life WILL be the greatest journey!

October 10, 2012

Investing yourself so much must be taxing on your mental strength.

You have no idea. Every day is a challenge. Especially at work.

When are you going to just get fed up of this situation? when are you going to realize that its just not worth it anymore to bang yourself against a brick wall which doesn't seem, or want, to move?

I don't know. I am fed up. I just don't know how to deal with this. This has been one of the most dramatic experiences of my life. I have tried so hard to move on and to work on myself. But, my ex came back and I dropped back down into depression.

You must be exhausted. "Life was so bright with her in it" ... does that mean that the entirety of your existence is made for you to suffer because you cannot be with said person?

Yes, I am very, very exhausted. I have a hard time sleeping at night. I'm also mentally tired because this has become like an obsession. I keep asking myself why or what the heck did I do to deserve this? How could she not see that I was a good man and that I was exactly what she needed? Just questions going around my head without answers.

You are an engineer if i read correctly, which means you have a logical mind and sound thinking when it comes to the workings of the world around you. Does it make sense that all that you are is a puppet of emotions pulled by one persons strings? with 7 billion people on earth, i think you can perhaps visualize that one problem can have many solutions, and your happiness can be found not only within yourself, but with many others.

Maybe so, but I don't believe I will find the solution here, where I am at the moment.

Dont be sad... be happy, because the next step in your life WILL be the greatest journey!

God, I hope you're right. Because, I'm am seriously losing hope here.

October 12, 2012

Hey guys,

A couple of nights ago I was out for another walk. I was thinking about stuff with my ex and I remembered how she showed me this youtube video she appeared in at an art exhibit. It was the exhibit that a guy supposedly invited her into right in front of the place as she was walking by. Also the guy who told her about a concert that she went to see and met him there again. That was also the guy I saw in her window whom she dated right after her divorce.

I was thinking about that and I remembered how in the video she was all dolled up. Lipstick, makeup, nice earrings and everything. She never puts on make up like that just for going out. I realized she couldn't be just passing by. She was on a f*cking date with the guy. She went on a f*cking date with that f*cking bastard of a motherf*cker a few weeks after I put together a fantastic romantic Valentine's day fondue surprise dinner at her place and told her I had feelings for her.

As I thought about this, something snapped. I don't know what it is, but I felt angry. I was f*cking angry at her. She's been keeping secrets from me from the very f*cking start. Her marriage with the guy I saw her with a week after our first date who was supposedly just her friend from Atlanta. The other dude she's been hanging out with here since she started her contract and with whom she admitted having a fling with before she met me, she never told me about the fling until after she admitted that she was married and ask her about her deal with that guy because I was having suspicions. She never told me she met him from time to time. It was all secret. Why? Then lying to me about this guy she went on a date with while we were still together.

If I was such a fantastic f*cking guy and one of the best friends she's ever had. Why the F*UCK would she do all this? It's IN-F*CKING-EXCUSABLE! There is no amount of gifts, expensive dinners or trips to New York that would EVER make up for the pain, depression and sadness that she inflicted on me AND on my family and friends who had to see me suffer in such a way. Or, all the **** and setback that has brought me in my professional career because of a severe depression. I am a good man and I NEVER F*CKING DESERVED THIS!

I try to excuse her behaviour because of her difficult past, dealing with a cheating mom who barely even calls her for her birthday. Her dad who didn't stand up for her when she got kicked out of her new home by her new stepmother. He first husband who cheated on her. But, you know what? Having been through this, of all people, SHE SHOULD F*CKING KNOW how this F*CKING FEELS to be deceived and lied to and cheated in such a way. She is lying to everyone. She lied about me to her friends and family saying I was just a "friend". Yeah. Just like EVERY OTHER DUDE SHE'S EVER F*CKED!

I am so, so sad and very f*cking angry. I have this terrible feeling of powerlessness. She did this and she is getting away with it in total impunity. I don't know what to do anymore. All the wonderful memories I have of our time together and all the love and tenderness and affection, it all feels like a giant lie and I am so, so sad and upset about this.

She was a wonderful girl. She was one of the most interesting persons I've ever met in my life. She is a beautiful young woman with an amazing sense of humour. She has a warm and welcoming, friendly personality. Kind and generous. She is talented and a lot of creativity and a big imagination. She's an amazing cook. And so much more. She has so much potential to be my life long partner and best friend. But, her moral values are shady and are definitely not the same as mine. I blame her life experience and upbringing and not her personally. But, that doesn't excuse or make what she did any less wrong.

I have this huge feeling of relief, but I don't feel any happier. I am terribly upset and lonely. One thing I know for certain is that I have no more remorse for sending her that email. I am glad I did.

I used to cry because I lost someone who was very dear to me. But, now I cry because this poor soul will probably end up old and lonely with nothing but a long list of ex-husbands and boyfriends and stories of deception. In the end, she's not just lying to everyone around her, but really lying to herself.

I think I'm going to be able to start moving on now...

Edited October 12, 2012 by SomeGeekGuy

October 12, 2012

I could've been her hero. I could've been the one to save her from her anxiety and sadness and I would've brought love, happiness and stability back to her life.

Because she made me so happy. She gave every love song their meaning. Life was so bright with her in it. Though she deceived me, I saw a lot of good qualities in her. She has a lot of potential. Now I'm just a sad sap with very little hope of ever being happy again.

Actually no. You couldn't have been her "hero." When are you going to wake up and realize this? 6 months later and you're still spinning the same wheels. Why?

It's not your job to save broken people and if she has all these issues you claim she does, then you can't help her. She has to want to save herself. She has to be her own hero.

You can try to be a life saver all you want. All of your efforts are worthless unless she wants to do it for herself. She will NEVER be happy with you or anyone else unless she learns how to be happy with herself. Same goes for love.

And really? You think you'll never meet someone again? With this attitude, you honestly won't, and you're doing it to yourself. You're letting this ex of yours win. That's what you want? While she goes on with her life, gets into new relationships, you're going to continue sitting in the corner crying? IT'S TIME TO MAN UP.

October 13, 2012

a "Captain Save A Ho" complex.

Hahaha! That made me laugh.

October 14, 2012

You know, it's not that I have a complex where I need to save every girl I meet.

It's just that at some point, when you fall in love for someone, you care about them. Even if you're out of love with them you can still care.

I mean, even though she did me wrong, I don't wish her bad things. What I DO wish for is that she realizes what she's been doing and that she fixes it to become a better person.

I always believed that life is way too short to hold grudges against people. So I won't hold one against her either. Also, I'm usually a very patient and forgiving person. But, I think for the first time ever in my life, I have to say that I can't forgive her for what she's done. It's unforgivable.

October 14, 2012

You know, it's not that I have a complex where I need to save every girl I meet.

It's just that at some point, when you fall in love for someone, you care about them. Even if you're out of love with them you can still care.

I did not read this entire thread but...

No. Please do not do this to yourself. I felt the same way about my ex -- he had a lot of issues and I wanted to "fix" him -- until it hit me that I am not a shrink and I am not there to fix him. He's an adult, not a kid -- as is your ex... She doesn't need you to fix her and you shouldn't be trying to fix her. Not your problem. Stop "mothering" her. People like her won't even appreciate your attempts. Stop trying. Stop wishing you could fix her. You couldn't have, and shouldn't have even contemplated the idea. I think deep down, you wanted to fix her because you felt that if you didn't, the relationship wouldn't go anywhere. So fixing her became equivalent to saving the relationship. No. Not the way to go. If she's damaged goods, know how to walk away from her. You were wasting your time on her.

October 15, 2012

NoMoreJerks,

No, I will not try to fix her. What I was trying to say really is that she felt like she needed a hero. She's lost faith in love and stability and honesty and trust and basically everything that makes up a relationship. She needed a hero and I could've been the one to bring her everything she needed. I sincerely feel like I had everything to be her hero. But, in the end she turned away from all that I had to offer.

She made her choice. Now she has to live with it.

However, the reason I am so sad is because she really wasn't a bad person. She was fantastic. I had the best time of my life with her. It's really painful to lose that. And to lose it in such a way, it's just sickening, really.

October 15, 2012

Drop it. She's gone, going back to ATL. You'll never see her again and you'll have to realize that. You sound insane and mentally unstable in your last paragraph. You need help. I've seen fellow Marines obsess over things that happened in Afghanistan and let it destroy their minds and lives. That was until they went and talked to somebody and let the stored anger/sadness/resentment/confusion out. Stop venting on loveshack and seek help from somebody who is trained to listen and talk to you. You are very hostile and upset and you are going to let this girl destroy your life.

I've been to combat and when I came back to the states, I had so much hate towards the civilians because of what I went through everyday over there and what I saw/did and the people back in America didn't seem to care about me at all. Once I sat and talked to the doc and cried about it and let it all out I felt amazing and like a new person.

This is like you with that girl. You have so much hate because of all you have done, yet it seems as she can careless.. Well, go talk to a doctor about it and I promise you he will help you. Seek somebody to speak with for your own health. Man to man, you need it. As much as I said I didn't need it, I did as well

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Girl I am dating for almost a year is getting back with her ... husband.

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