Girl I am dating for almost a year is getting back with her ... husband.

[SomeGeekGuy]

Hi guys!

 

I didn't know people were still reading this thread.

 

Insanityhorse: It's good to hear from you. I'm glad you're doing better as well. As for your ex's stuff, she can always send someone to pick her stuff up. Thanks for the advice. Like you said I will avoid getting in touch with her, for now. But eventually I do intend to say hi, maybe in a couple of weeks or a month or something, if she doesn't contact me first. All I know is that I was way too emotional to keep contact with her and I probably still am a little right now, but when I'm ready I will. I know she very much wanted to stay in touch with me, but hearing me cry over the phone most of the time made her feel really bad so I told her I'd give her space. We didn't have any fights or end this in bad terms. And I know I still want to be friends with her because we got along really well. Or if we can't even be friends, I just want her to be aware of my blog so she can read it and I'll be happy with that. I mean I initially made it for her. And I've been getting some good reviews from colleagues and friends so that's encouraging me to keep it up and it keeps me busy and my mind off things.

 

Sonylicious: I do not want to win her back. Not after what she did. I'm a damn fine man and I deserve a damn fine trustworthy woman. If she really wants me, she'll have to prove to me that she is really worth trusting. Right now, I just want to stay friends with her and that's it. No more than that.

 

Reddevil66: Bonjour! Yes this new girl probably has some kind of disorder. I think she has trust issues herself. She had a rough past where she had been abandonned by people she loved and trusted. Even in her own family. So I guess now she feels vulnerable and probably cheats on her partners before getting hurt herself. Or maybe she just craves attention from men because her dad never gave her his full attention either. I don't know. And I don't know why I always end up with the crazy ones. Maybe because I project an image of stability and kindness? I mean I'm someone with a really good hard and with a strong integrity and good moral values. Or maybe she just wanted a fling with a cute little frenchie while she was here, just for the thrill, and used me because I was nice. Too nice and trusting and she took advantage of it. I'll never know. I know that she did do it to other men before, from the looks of her blog posts. And yeah, she probably is disconnected from others' feelings. She seemed a bit cynical. All I know is that she didn't expect this relationship to go this far and she never intended to break my heart. I know she felt very bad about it. During our last discussion face to face she told me I was an incredible person and I was nothing but good to her and that I was the last person to deserve something like this. She also said she had feelings for me and she did love me. So I don't know how disconnected she is. Maybe she was just confused. Anyway, I can only speculate. At this point I don't really care anymore.

Edited June 3, 2012 by SomeGeekGuy
Forgot to mention Sonylicious

[RedDevil66]

Not caring is the first step, the second is to clean up your "side of the street" and see where and why you attract a certain type. I'm doing this myself now also.

 

We attract what we feel deep inside.

Check out this awesome spiritual teacher and her videos. She will help you realize more about you

Lookin for Love in all the Wrong Places - YouTube

[SomeGeekGuy]

I've had a talk with my therapist today and I was telling her how I'd like to remain friends with her.

 

She asked me if I would be ready to be friends with her knowing that she is romantically involved and sleeping with her husband. That made me think really hard. Of course I don't want to even think about this and it's certainly a factor I have to consider. This is really hard. So I came to the conclusion it would be better if I just kept some kind of distant contact. Just occasionally get some news and that's it.

 

Then again, I don't even know if she reconciled with her husband at all and it's the one question that's really driving me crazy.

 

I am thinking of texting her this week just to ask how she's doing so far and to let her know about my blog. But, I'm going to keep it short. Whatever the outcome, I'm going to try to get some kind of closure because right now I have absolutely none and that's what is hurting me the most. It just happened so suddenly that I don't think I could ever get over it in this state.

 

1- I need to know what the status is with her husband.

 

2- I want her to know about my blog. (I mean, I started it for her in a way so she can get out and explore.)

 

3- I need some form of closure.

 

Once those 3 steps are done I think I'll be able to move on and start seeing new people. Because right now I don't feel ready for anything.

 

I'm also terribly lonely. My closest friends don't even call me for anything or my sister and her boyfriend or anyone basically. I feel alone and like I have so much to share but have no one to share it with. Plus I've spent a lot of money recently on fixing up my apartment to make it nicer and now I'm flat broke so I can't even go out.

[alphamega]

Hi everyone,

 

At Valentine's day, I happen to get a hold of her apartment key. That evening I set up a surprise for her. I wanted to show her just how much I appreciated her and how strong my feelings were for her. It was a nice surprise fondue dinner with a trail of rose petals and flowers and everything. She got home from work and was so surprised and happy. But, a couple of days after that she sends me an email telling me that she was sorry because there was something she didn't tell me. She was still legally married to a guy in her hometown. Things hadn't gone so well together and they already tried to get their marriage annulled, but because of the laws in her state it was impossible. I told her that wasn't a big deal for me because I knew we could still have a relationship nonetheless. I mean it's not like she was really in a relationship with him anymore other than just being friends. Then she also admitted that her husband had contacted her and he was thinking of getting back with her and coming up here to live with her. That one really shook me.

 

 

As soon as she told you she was married you should have disappear out of her sight forever.

 

"""Rule number(1) don't mess around with women or men who are still legally married. """Legally seperated""" mean she still legally married to the guy... They always go back to their husband or she would had divorce his butt long time ago. The reason why some of these women don't hurry the divorce procedure is due to them recieving large alimony checks every month.. Legally separated women(who's still legally married) are the nothing but pain and emontional confusions...

 

"""Stay away from men or women who are still legally married or you will suffer in misery and pain"""

[CaliBabe]

I personally don't think you should contact her. By doing so you are showing that you are still attached. You need to make a clean break and go serious no contact. For your own good. I am telling you from a female perspective on this situation, it will not reflect positvitely on you. It will look like weakness. She is the one who broke your heart, therefore she needs to be the one to come forward to you. Please, for your own mental health. Go NC.

[geegirl]

"I've had a talk with my therapist today and I was telling her how I'd like to remain friends with her."

 

You cannot be friends with someone when you are emotionally attached to them. Period. Friends is just your way of 1) hiding from your reality and pain 2) trying to establish some sort of existence in her life as a reminder 3) keeping the door open just incase.

 

You're bargaining with yourself.

 

You responded to Sonylicious that you deserve a trustworthy woman because you are a fine man so why is an untrustworthy woman deserving to be called a "friend"? We seek people that we can trust, a basic necessity when allowing them into our lives whether a friend or partner. If an untrustworthy/deceitful person is deserving to be a friend, then you either have your values skewed or your motives are not what you say they are.

 

"She asked me if I would be ready to be friends with her knowing that she is romantically involved and sleeping with her husband. That made me think really hard. Of course I don't want to even think about this and it's certainly a factor I have to consider. This is really hard. So I came to the conclusion it would be better if I just kept some kind of distant contact. Just occasionally get some news and that's it."

 

You don't want to think about whether she is sleeping with her husband but you do want to stay in contact for "occasional news". What if "occasional news" turns out to be something you don't want to hear at some point?

 

"Then again, I don't even know if she reconciled with her husband at all and it's the one question that's really driving me crazy."

 

It doesn't matter whether she is back with her husband. She's done more than enough to exhibit deceit and lies, yet you hold on to one determining factor that in the grand scheme of things means absolutely nothing.

 

"I am thinking of texting her this week just to ask how she's doing so far and to let her know about my blog. But, I'm going to keep it short. Whatever the outcome, I'm going to try to get some kind of closure because right now I have absolutely none and that's what is hurting me the most. It just happened so suddenly that I don't think I could ever get over it in this state."

 

You have your closure. You don't get it from her because she cannot give it to you. You are responsible for identifying the situation for the way it is and having the courage to accept that she is bad for you and walking the other way, for you. You find closure from within. If you have to wait for it to come from external sources, you will forever be left in limbo searching for another person's so called "truth".

 

1- I need to know what the status is with her husband.

 

If she is not back with her husband, then what? If she is back with her husband, then what? You just said you are deserving of a trustworthy woman, and you don't want her back, so what is the need?

 

2- I want her to know about my blog. (I mean, I started it for her in a way so she can get out and explore.)

 

Grasping at straws. Finding every possible way to get back into her life. Finding a way to get her interested. Finding a way for her to validate you.

 

3- I need some form of closure.

 

You have it.

 

"Once those 3 steps are done I think I'll be able to move on and start seeing new people. Because right now I don't feel ready for anything."

 

Whether those 3 steps are done, I really think you need to take much time off and spend it on your own and working on rebuilding your self-esteem. You're not ready for anything, whether the steps are done. And again, you're stalling your own healing by enforcing/placing all these rules, steps and pre-requisites infront of you because you are too afraid to face your reality.

 

"I'm also terribly lonely. My closest friends don't even call me for anything or my sister and her boyfriend or anyone basically. I feel alone and like I have so much to share but have no one to share it with. Plus I've spent a lot of money recently on fixing up my apartment to make it nicer and now I'm flat broke so I can't even go out."

 

This pretty much sums up everything. You don't have a fulfilling life and the only thing that made you feel alive was this relationship and now that you don't have it anymore, you can't stand to face your emptiness. So you cling, and cling to all that you've known. Anything other than that is an unbearable discomfort. You need to find other ways to fill that void and by staying in touch with her, you will consistenly feel attached in a way that will always keep you stagnating.

Edited June 6, 2012 by geegirl

[SomeGeekGuy]

Alphamega: I definitely know I shouldn't get involved with married women. Especially now after all this. In fact I would never have gotten involved with her had I known she waas married in the first place. It just became complicated after being with her for 8 months. There were a lot of feelings involved. In that case it wasn't as easy as it seems.

 

Calibabe: I kind of agree with you. Which is why I've held on for a good three weeks now. (By the way, that feels like a really, really long time right now.) I'm also still considering whether to actually get in touch with her or not. I'm hoping she will get back in touch with me but I don't know how long I can hold it. Maybe I'll wait another week...

 

Geegirl: It's true. I'm still kind of attached to her. It's only because we had so much in common and there's so much I would like to share with her. Especially places that she could go and visit since she doesn't know where the good parts of town are. I mean I'd be happy just knowing she's reading my blog. That's it. Even though she doesn't talk to me anymore or that we have no more contact. But, what you said is true. You can't really be friends with someone if you're emotionally attached. I do want some kind of existence in her life as a reminder. And yes, since she was my best friend while our relationship lasted and really made my life so much brighter I am sort of clinging to her. My only option out of this is to see other people. But, it wouldn't be fair if I date someone else and I'm still not completely over her.

 

But there's one thing everyone ought to know. I do not intend to get back in a relationship with this girl at all. I just can't trust her enough for that anymore.

 

Seriously though, what would be the harm in sending a message like

 

"Hi Soandso,

 

I haven't heard from you in a while and I've been wondering how you've been. I'm doing great myself and I'm feeling a whole lot better. I've been walking around town to pass the time and I started a blog about it. There are a few places I think you'd find interesting and I wanted to share them with you. Check out my blog: MyBlog

 

Take care,

 

Somegeekguy"

[wilsonx]

What kind of harm is there?

 

It will keep you from moving on...

 

You are going to do what you want to do no matter what, eventually you will get sick and tired of this drama and move on on your own

[mephisto]

Amazing analysis!!! To the core, no sugar coated!!!

 

"I've had a talk with my therapist today and I was telling her how I'd like to remain friends with her."

 

You cannot be friends with someone when you are emotionally attached to them. Period. Friends is just your way of 1) hiding from your reality and pain 2) trying to establish some sort of existence in her life as a reminder 3) keeping the door open just incase.

 

You're bargaining with yourself.

 

You responded to Sonylicious that you deserve a trustworthy woman because you are a fine man so why is an untrustworthy woman deserving to be called a "friend"? We seek people that we can trust, a basic necessity when allowing them into our lives whether a friend or partner. If an untrustworthy/deceitful person is deserving to be a friend, then you either have your values skewed or your motives are not what you say they are.

 

"She asked me if I would be ready to be friends with her knowing that she is romantically involved and sleeping with her husband. That made me think really hard. Of course I don't want to even think about this and it's certainly a factor I have to consider. This is really hard. So I came to the conclusion it would be better if I just kept some kind of distant contact. Just occasionally get some news and that's it."

 

You don't want to think about whether she is sleeping with her husband but you do want to stay in contact for "occasional news". What if "occasional news" turns out to be something you don't want to hear at some point?

 

"Then again, I don't even know if she reconciled with her husband at all and it's the one question that's really driving me crazy."

 

It doesn't matter whether she is back with her husband. She's done more than enough to exhibit deceit and lies, yet you hold on to one determining factor that in the grand scheme of things means absolutely nothing.

 

"I am thinking of texting her this week just to ask how she's doing so far and to let her know about my blog. But, I'm going to keep it short. Whatever the outcome, I'm going to try to get some kind of closure because right now I have absolutely none and that's what is hurting me the most. It just happened so suddenly that I don't think I could ever get over it in this state."

 

You have your closure. You don't get it from her because she cannot give it to you. You are responsible for identifying the situation for the way it is and having the courage to accept that she is bad for you and walking the other way, for you. You find closure from within. If you have to wait for it to come from external sources, you will forever be left in limbo searching for another person's so called "truth".

 

1- I need to know what the status is with her husband.

 

If she is not back with her husband, then what? If she is back with her husband, then what? You just said you are deserving of a trustworthy woman, and you don't want her back, so what is the need?

 

2- I want her to know about my blog. (I mean, I started it for her in a way so she can get out and explore.)

 

Grasping at straws. Finding every possible way to get back into her life. Finding a way to get her interested. Finding a way for her to validate you.

 

3- I need some form of closure.

 

You have it.

 

"Once those 3 steps are done I think I'll be able to move on and start seeing new people. Because right now I don't feel ready for anything."

 

Whether those 3 steps are done, I really think you need to take much time off and spend it on your own and working on rebuilding your self-esteem. You're not ready for anything, whether the steps are done. And again, you're stalling your own healing by enforcing/placing all these rules, steps and pre-requisites infront of you because you are too afraid to face your reality.

 

"I'm also terribly lonely. My closest friends don't even call me for anything or my sister and her boyfriend or anyone basically. I feel alone and like I have so much to share but have no one to share it with. Plus I've spent a lot of money recently on fixing up my apartment to make it nicer and now I'm flat broke so I can't even go out."

 

This pretty much sums up everything. You don't have a fulfilling life and the only thing that made you feel alive was this relationship and now that you don't have it anymore, you can't stand to face your emptiness. So you cling, and cling to all that you've known. Anything other than that is an unbearable discomfort. You need to find other ways to fill that void and by staying in touch with her, you will consistenly feel attached in a way that will always keep you stagnating.

[mephisto]

eventually you will get sick and tired of this drama and move on on your own

 

Another Wilsonx reality check-point...this is soo true, there is that much we can take till we get exhausted.

 

 

What kind of harm is there?

 

It will keep you from moving on...

 

You are going to do what you want to do no matter what, eventually you will get sick and tired of this drama and move on on your own

[alphamega]

Alphamega: I definitely know I shouldn't get involved with married women. Especially now after all this. In fact I would never have gotten involved with her had I known she waas married in the first place. It just became complicated after being with her for 8 months. There were a lot of feelings involved. In that case it wasn't as easy as it seems.

 

 

 

I feel you man. I met this lady online. But according to her profile it say that she was divorce. Then after 3 months of dating she told me she was "legally separated" I told her after you receive your divorce papers then give me a call and we can continue where we left off. I hadn't heard from her since(18 days). And I hope I never hear from her again. The reason Because I call her out for lying and decieving men online,knownly you still legally married. She also took her profile down as well. Thank God I didn't get too attach to this woman or I would be like you in your situation.. And This's the reason why you need to take it nice and slow when it comes to dating or you will get burnt..

 

""""Never get emontional connected to someone early on in dating until you find out some things about the man or woman""" "MEN" must be tough when it comes to women and dating. And know when to "WALK" when things aren't going so smoothly..

[SomeGeekGuy]

""""Never get emontional connected to someone early on in dating until you find out some things about the man or woman""" "MEN" must be tough when it comes to women and dating. And know when to "WALK" when things aren't going so smoothly..

 

Yeah well I learned something from this relationship, that's for sure: Cyber stalking. And being in the IT field, I know my way around. But in this case I trusted this girl and took her word for it. I'll be more careful next time for sure.

[SciGuy]

Similar situation...well sort of. I had been seeing a girl for about 6 months while the whole time she was sleeping with her neighbor that she claimed to be a "friend". I ignored the red flags. But, I've learned a valuable lesson. Don't ignore red flags!!!

[SomeGeekGuy]

SciGuy: Sorry to hear that.

 

I don't know what the heck is wrong with people these days.

 

I just feel like if you don't find someone and marry them when you're 25, by the time you reach 30, all the good ones are taken. All you're left with are emotional **** ups who have lost all sense of attachment and commitment or just don't know what a relationship should be like.

[2sunny]

Had another therapy session today. It's the second one and it's already getting better.

 

I got some exercises to do.

 

Like write down my conversations in my head with my ex and especially the questions I have.

 

Also make a list of the stuff I didn't like about her.

 

I already got a small list. But I'm having a hard time coming up with good stuff.

 

First on the list is that she lies (or omits her truth)

 

She was willing to use you for her pleasure knowing it would hurt you in the end

(that's is NOT loving behavior)

 

She may have been a good actress at YOUR expense (not loving behavior either)

 

She's selfish(she's not thinking of YOUR feelings)

 

 

Either way - ALL relationships have a beginning and an end - knowing when the end is - is key! This one should be over! Mainly because a) she's not honest and b) she's not a friend that's considering YOUR feelings!

 

Without those core qualities - she's NOT a friend!!!

 

She's just a liar that used you because she could.

 

All women aren't like that...

 

I always say - NEVER date someone until their divorce is FINAL and they have the papers to show the evidence!

 

Hoping you heal quickly.

[SomeGeekGuy]

2sunny,

 

Your comment doesn't help at all. You don't even know what the situation really was either for me or her.

 

What you said just makes me feel even worse.

 

And had you bothered to read the whole thread you would've seen that this relationship really started off as a fling and we just got attached to each other. It just happened.

 

And had I known in the beginning that she was married I wouldn't even have gone so far with her. I would never do anything with a married woman.

[2sunny]

2sunny,

 

Your comment doesn't help at all. You don't even know what the situation really was either for me or her.

 

What you said just makes me feel even worse.

 

And had you bothered to read the whole thread you would've seen that this relationship really started off as a fling and we just got attached to each other. It just happened.

 

And had I known in the beginning that she was married I wouldn't even have gone so far with her. I would never do anything with a married woman.

 

Stop defending her bad behavior.

 

Why would pointing out the obvious make you feel bad?

 

I read the whole despicable story.

 

After YOU KNEW - YOU CHOSE to keep seeing her.

 

You feel bad because you broke the original agreement.

 

Next time be honest. Honest with your GF and honest with yourself. You should always stickto a healthy boundary.

 

If it was just sex - then you never should have allowed YOURSELF to socialize with her.

 

Learn from what went wrong.

 

It may help you not to do it again this way.

[wilsonx]

2sunny,

 

Your comment doesn't help at all. You don't even know what the situation really was either for me or her.

 

What you said just makes me feel even worse.

 

And had you bothered to read the whole thread you would've seen that this relationship really started off as a fling and we just got attached to each other. It just happened.

 

And had I known in the beginning that she was married I wouldn't even have gone so far with her. I would never do anything with a married woman.

 

 

I agree with this 100% Happens all the time. You live and you learn. Most of us learn to ignore her a long time ago

[SomeGeekGuy]

2sunny: It's really more complicated than it sounds. Especially when feelings are involved. Both for me and for her. I'm not trying to defend her. What she did was wrong. She felt like **** about it. But all I can do now is look back and learn from this experience.

 

I feel you were really hurt yourself at some point and have a lot of resentment. Please understand that your experience was different than mine and I can't come to the same conclusion as in your situation. Please don't take this the wrong way.

[2sunny]

2sunny: It's really more complicated than it sounds. Especially when feelings are involved. Both for me and for her. I'm not trying to defend her. What she did was wrong. She felt like **** about it. But all I can do now is look back and learn from this experience.

 

I feel you were really hurt yourself at some point and have a lot of resentment. Please understand that your experience was different than mine and I can't come to the same conclusion as in your situation. Please don't take this the wrong way.

 

I'm talking about you moving forward - yet you are in such denial you keep making it about her.

 

It's no longer about her - it's about you. Stop handing her so much power.

 

And you couldn't be more wrong about me... You must be referring to yourself in this case - because you certainly have me all wrong.

 

Heal and move forward.

[SomeGeekGuy]

I made a big mistake yesterday.

 

I went for yet another walk, passing by my ex's place. It was pretty late and I decided to sit on a park bench close by to think about stuff I'd want to say to her. There was light in her apartment. After a while, when it was close to midnight, I finally stood up to walk away and I noticed someone in the window where her kitchen is. Someone was cooking.

 

I panicked.

 

I went back to where the benches were and sort of sat in a spot where whoever was there couldn't really see me. I sat there and watched to find out who it was. I thought it was her husband at first, but after a while I realized it was just her. She was alone cooking something. I sat there for I don't know how long just looking at her.

 

My mind was completely numb. I couldn't even think. This was the first time I saw her in physical form since I went to get my stuff at her place. I realized then that if I were to meet her face to face, I wouldn't know how to react.

 

After some time, I regained my composure and I started to think about how I would have no idea what to say to her anymore. I've been so consumed with what she's done and all the assumptions and suspicions and questions that there's no way I could ever have a normal conversation with her again.

 

Looking back now, I feel like such a creep. I couldn't sleep at all last night and I think I must've slept just barely one hour total.

 

My god, she screwed me up so bad. I've been doing some thinking and I realized that now, it's not her I can't get over. It's this freakin' situation. It's how she lied to me and lead me on when I loved and trusted her. But, the worst is how I have no idea what she thinks. I really wish I could get in her head and understand what the hell she was thinking when she started all this. How she really felt about me and if she cared at all about my feelings.

 

The reason this has affected me so much is because I was innocent. I was trusting and I was a desperate romantic who just wanted to give all the love I had. I never imagined anyone would ever do something like this. Not to me anyway. I've always had good role models for relationships, starting with my parents. So I was never faced with the concept of lying and cheating. Now that this happened, I don't know if I'll ever be able to trust any woman ever again, let alone date.

 

I'm 30. I'm getting older. I wish I could find the right one. This girl had it all. We went together so well, it was an instant match from day 1. Now I feel like I've been set back at least another year to find someone and then some. I feel completely hopeless.

[2sunny]

Focus on walking in the other direction!

 

That's stalker ish behavior.

 

Tell your therapist about what you've been doing.

 

Stay busy! Start DOING new things!

[SomeGeekGuy]

I didn't listen.

 

I kept on passing by her place once in a while and tonight I saw something that completely threw me off.

 

It was late, like around 11pm and I was about to head back home from a long walk and I passed by her place before I left to see if she was home.

 

I saw a tall skinny shirtless guy with short hair and thick glasses cooking dinner. He didn't look like her husband one bit. He didn't seem to behave the same either. I believe her husband has long very curly red hair and usually has a pretty thick beard. He's also kind of chubby.

 

But, the guy I saw did seem to know his way around her kitchen like it wasn't the first time at her place.

 

I don't know what the f- is going on. But, I feel pretty damn upset right now.

 

Then I don't know what I was thinking. I sent her an email from my phone. All it says is that I haven't talked to her in a while and I want to know how she's doing. Pretty straightforward. But I regret it now. I feel so stupid.

[2sunny]

You KNOW walking by her place sets you into a tailspin - yet YOU keep CHOOSING to hurt YOURSELF!

 

Stop walking by ANYWHERE that you know she is.

 

Walk in the OTHER direction.

 

Do not think of her - think of taking care of you and moving PAST this.

[hinatticus]

Dude... Stop walking by her place!!!! Or if you have to, don't look at her apartment! Man, you must love torturing yourself.