Girl I am dating for almost a year is getting back with her ... husband.

[KathyM]

You know what's ironic about all this?

 

On one of the blogs I mentioned, she posted a series of articles on dating. Either her experiences dating guys and criticizing her dates to giving dating advice, do's and don'ts, etc. And she heavily criticized one of them for still being married and going through a divorce while dating.

 

She should probably look back at those old posts.

 

But, you know what? She told me once that he was like twice divorced or something. She told me about her first husband, who was a DJ and worked with her at the same company. He apparently was cheating on her with the "office slut" and she caught them in the act. Another one of her previous relationships, she was cheated on again by her fiance. And that night that I went to take my stuff at her place, she told me that she was pretty certain that her husband had also been fooling around on his side. She also told me that she had problems in her family for a while and was kicked out of the house at some point.

 

So we're talking about a girl here who has been cheated on, lied to and abandoned by people she loved. I think she eventually just became cynical, which is kinda sad.

Sounds like a woman with a lot of relationship baggage to deal with. In any case, she misled you, played with your heart, and entered into a relationship with you while still entertaining hopes and ambitions of getting back with her estranged husband. Unfortunately, you were the victim of that. It's no wonder a lot of people don't want to get involved with separated people--they are too irratic and emotional basketcases, and often don't know what they want.

[SomeGeekGuy]

Man, relationships are so complicated aren't they? Not only does the "spark" have to be present, but the timing needs to be perfect. I mean what are the chances of those really aligning? I think this is why it's so freaking hard to lose a relationship that someone felt was perfect.

 

Oh man, you are absolutely right on that point. When I met that girl, all the stars aligned. I just felt it. The first date was amazing, we talked all night and I walked her home and she invited me up to have a bite because we were hungry. So she really liked me too it seems and I played my cards right that night. Anyway, I was fearless. It couldn't have been worse than what I lived with my ex. And I was a hopeless romantic. After 5 years living in depression and feeling unappreciated and hungry for love, I just threw myself headlong into this one.

 

In regards to yours, I would say this... it wasn't perfect, but it felt amazing while it was happening. There is one aspect to that relationship that was obviously missing and that was trust (even though you didn't realize it at the time). She really was unfair. It's the reason that post a serious break up I do NOT date and tell people I'm sorry who ask me out. It is just NOT fair to try and date someone new when you have feelings for someone else still. Screw trying to get over someone by getting under someone else, it's just not right. So she did totally wrong you.

 

Yeah. Well I had a gut feeling that she was holding back. There were some hints, like she was reluctant to say I love you when I said it to her. So I eventually dropped it because I though, maybe she's just not that comfortable yet. But, I didn't listen. If I knew then what I know now, things would've been MUCH different. We would have been just really good friends and it would've been totally cool. I might even have had the opportunity to hang out with her husband, which is a software developer like me and quite the geek. We could've been buddies and hang out instead of being angry at each other. What a shame.

 

Also, man.... we really are in the same boat. The breakup 3 weeks for me was really cordial, and we talked about everything and there were a lot of emotions. No begging, no pleading.... just acceptance; however, I am really depressed about it.

 

So wait, you just broke up 3 weeks ago?

 

Depression is like a cold and colorless blanket, it covers the world and takes the shine away from it. Nothing seems interesting, or fun, or funny for that matter. I have also lost weight these last weeks, but luckily for me I can sleep.

 

I used to laugh all the time and make everyone around me laugh as well. I loved to joke around and make a fool of myself. Now, not anymore. People noticed right away and thought I was sick. My co-workers were telling me to take sick days. The only time I was a little happy was this Saturday, we had a housewarming party for a friend who just bought a house. All my childhood buddies were there. I hadn't seen them in a while and I told them my story. They were quite supportive. It felt great. I had a great time. But the moment I got back home it just all came back.

 

And yeah, you're lucky indeed. I wish I could knock myself in the head and faint to fall asleep. The second I close my eyes, its her I see. And the break up was a month ago now. I wonder how it's going with her divorce procedures? I wonder if she was able to appeal or if it went through.

 

I wish I had some magic words that could fix both of what we are feeling, but there just isn't. Time is the only cure and after awhile you will return to normal.

 

I know, dude... I know. I spent the day walking around downtown and did a bit of shopping. That helped a bit. Also, I wish I had the talent to turn this into a web comic of some kind. That would've been cool. Or maybe do a blog? I dunno.

 

At least you are aware that there is no chance at reconciliation, for me though that is on the table. Ashley (my ex now) still has strong feelings for me, and I her. We have seen each other once since the breakup and we talked about that. She has NO desire to be with anyone but just feels like she's got too much baggage that she needs to work on, plus she's in school and fairly busy. Just for the record we are both 30 so it's not like we're kids here. When I saw her last it was dropping off her apartment key, she immediately hugged the crap out of me, told me she missed me so much and that she was so glad she got to see me. She also told me she was gonna call me soon and invite me out, and that she hoped I would go. I know people will say "Breadcrumbs", and that could be.... but none of you know this woman and I do not believe it is the case. Besides that I'm a grown man and will not allow myself to be strung along like some puppy.

 

Yeah, I'm 30 too, and she was 33. It's harder at that age to find Mrs. right because you feel your friends sort of slowly go their own way and have their own relationships to take care of, or started to have a family or some you just don't have anything in common anymore and grow apart. Also, we all have different jobs at different times with different schedules and its just hard to get together. I've got a little group of friends I've known since we were kids. We grew up together around the same block. None of us had brothers so we became each others' brothers. But one is a part time security agent working night shifts and studying at the same time. Another is a fire fighter, at an airport and has different hours every week and his days off don't align with the weekends all the time and he just bought a house in suburbia with his fiancee. Another one works at Purolator with late shifts and is always with his girlfriend. And the last one is dead broke and over his head in debt due to bad life decisions, lives in a commune with a bunch of weird people, works mostly 7 days a week and is constantly with his student girlfriend and I barely see him. So yeah, it gets pretty lonely when you can't see anyone.

 

I re-read your story. I feel ya, bro. So it's been 3 years? Have you started dating again? What happened since then?

 

Man, talk about mind games.

 

I would suggest stopping trying to find things about her on the internet, or looking at old pictures. Like you mentioned earlier it kills you to know about that stuff.

 

Well I kinda like her blog haha. Especially the part about dates. She criticizes the dates she used to meet and basically says where they went wrong. Maybe it'll be useful someday?

 

But you're right. I should stop that. It's pretty futile and it will only end up in me getting hurt more.

[SomeGeekGuy]

I woke up this morning, as usual, sort of half dreaming about being at her place and being with her and feeling at a loss. Not so much of a panick attack though. Just anxiety. Waking up and feeling angry that I kept feeling this way and that I don't get any rest.

 

But today I am really upset. I just remembered this weekend that during Christmas, she spent a couple of weeks in Atlanta. She gave me the keys to her place and asked me to take care of her plants while she was gone and make sure everything was okay. When she came back she told me how she spent some time with her friends. She told me how she went to this one particular friend's family and participated in their traditional family activities. Well that friend was her husband.

 

So she spent Christmas with her husband and his family. And I can only assume they slept together. All while I was over here taking care of her place like the good friend I am. And then, after she comes back, she keeps the whole thing going and she kept on having sex with me like it was nothing.

 

I tried to ask her about that trip to Atlanta and her husband and if they both slept together. She said that they did share the same bed but that was it. She kept saying how his place was filthy and that she couldn't stay there because it was gross. I don't think I can believe that. Not anymore.

 

Anyway, I feel like a real sucker and a chump with a deep feeling of revulsion. I have completely lost my dignity. I am super angry and sad about all this because this whole time I was exclusive to her. All the time, energy and effort I put into her and making her happy has completely gone to waste. I could've done all of this for another girl who would've cared about me and truly loved me.

 

Now whoever is going to have me next, no matter how good they are to me, they will not get the same kind of treatment from me because I completely lost interest in making any effort now. Plus, I'll probably never trust the next girl the way she should. What a shame.

 

What the hell kind of life am I going to have now, feeling distrustful and bitter?

[MissBrunette84]

I woke up this morning, as usual, sort of half dreaming about being at her place and being with her and feeling at a loss. Not so much of a panick attack though. Just anxiety. Waking up and feeling angry that I kept feeling this way and that I don't get any rest.

 

But today I am really upset. I just remembered this weekend that during Christmas, she spent a couple of weeks in Atlanta. She gave me the keys to her place and asked me to take care of her plants while she was gone and make sure everything was okay. When she came back she told me how she spent some time with her friends. She told me how she went to this one particular friend's family and participated in their traditional family activities. Well that friend was her husband.

 

So she spent Christmas with her husband and his family. And I can only assume they slept together. All while I was over here taking care of her place like the good friend I am. And then, after she comes back, she keeps the whole thing going and she kept on having sex with me like it was nothing.

 

I tried to ask her about that trip to Atlanta and her husband and if they both slept together. She said that they did share the same bed but that was it. She kept saying how his place was filthy and that she couldn't stay there because it was gross. I don't think I can believe that. Not anymore.

 

Anyway, I feel like a real sucker and a chump with a deep feeling of revulsion. I have completely lost my dignity. I am super angry and sad about all this because this whole time I was exclusive to her. All the time, energy and effort I put into her and making her happy has completely gone to waste. I could've done all of this for another girl who would've cared about me and truly loved me.

 

Now whoever is going to have me next, no matter how good they are to me, they will not get the same kind of treatment from me because I completely lost interest in making any effort now. Plus, I'll probably never trust the next girl the way she should. What a shame.

 

What the hell kind of life am I going to have now, feeling distrustful and bitter?

 

I really feel for you, I feel for you alot with what you are going through.

 

You have to kind of look at it that none of this is you, its her, its her choce, her choice to mess around and do the things shes doing/done. You need to stop blaming yourself and think you gave her alot. You sound like you hold her up high, maybe you shouldn't so much and see it for what it is. What would you tell someone else in your situation?

[Joaquin]

You have had a set back but you will be ok. You will trust again and you won't become bitter.

 

Take each day one at a time. A bit like giving up smoking. You tell yourself you just have focus on not smoking today. Forget about tomorrow and the future.

 

Cook yourself a proper dinner. If you don't eat it, who cares. Write nasty gut spilling texts meant for her and send them to yourself. Get your favourite sports channels on pay per view. Visit your mum. Take your sister to lunch. Just do stuff...

 

Remember that when things are really bad, don't worry they'll change. And when things are really good, don't worry they'll change.

[SomeGeekGuy]

This girl had cervical cancer while in college an had her uterus removed so she couldn't get pregnant. After about a month of having sex, she suggested I stop using a condom because I had difficulty reaching orgasm. I had told her about my past relationships before and that I never had unprotected sex so she knew I was clean. She assured me it was okay, so off the condom went.

 

I trusted that girl...

 

Today I went to a sexual health clinic to get tested.

 

I never had any symptoms of any kind, but the nurse at the clinic said that some diseases don't have symptoms and that it's a good thing I came to get tested. She also gave me a HPV vaccine just in case. I should get the results from the tests in a couple of days. I don't think anything will come up, but in the case it does, we're gonna have a serious discussion and I'm going give it to her.

 

This forum and its members (thank you everyone) have helped me a lot to cope and go through each day at a time. It's really nice to read your messages and your support.

[MissBrunette84]

Cervical cancer is mainly caused by HPV, once you have it its there for life. So she would of had it.

[SomeGeekGuy]

Cervical cancer is mainly caused by HPV, once you have it its there for life. So she would of had it.

 

According to Wikipedia

 

There is currently no specific treatment for HPV infection. However, the viral infection, more often than not, clears by itself. According to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, the body’s immune system clears HPV naturally within two years for 90% of cases. However, experts do not agree on whether the virus is completely eliminated or reduced to undetectable levels, and it is difficult to know when it is contagious.

The vaccine is free for women but not for men. Thankfully my insurance covers it. There also no available tests for men. This sucks.

 

I didn't detect any warts anywhere, so who knows. I may have it or may not.

 

What should I do now? Should I get in touch with her and ask directly? I think she is getting checked by a gynecologist on a regular basis, but nothing is certain.

 

How am I going to do this? ****!

Edited May 22, 2012 by SomeGeekGuy
Quoted wikipedia text

[SomeGeekGuy]

This girl had cervical cancer while in college

 

Sorry I actually meant uterus cancer, not cervical. My bad.

[Joaquin]

I think you need to be doing more to keep busy.

[muzik_lvr]

Remember that when things are really bad, don't worry they'll change. And when things are really good, don't worry they'll change.

 

Wise words right there.

[SomeGeekGuy]

I think you need to be doing more to keep busy.

 

I am at work right now. I am having an anxiety attack.

 

I don't know how to cope. I'm afraid to lose my job.

 

I'm angry at my ex, but I also miss the whole thing we had so damn much. I just want a hug.

 

I can't focus on any work at all.

[SomeGeekGuy]

I am at work right now. I am having an anxiety attack.

 

I don't know how to cope. I'm afraid to lose my job.

 

I'm angry at my ex, but I also miss the whole thing we had so damn much. I just want a hug.

 

I can't focus on any work at all.

 

A coworker friend helped me out. Feeling better now.

[SomeGeekGuy]

So I kept reading her blog over the weekend and a little bit today here and there and what I could figure out is that this girl has issues. It seems like a lot of her blog posts have to do with divorce and cheating. She was writing short stories where most of the time it's a sad story where the main character is an unfaithful woman that had a lame husband and runs off with her lover, who apparently satisfies her more. Or she gets caught in the act and loses the man that she loved. Or has this other man on the side who's always there for booty calls.

 

Some stories in there seemed like personal experiences, especially one where the character has a conversation with her stuffed animal who consoles her after she gets dumped for cheating on her man. And I know that stuffed animal personally by the way it is described.

 

It seems like she thrives on that kind of stuff. I mean think about it, she gets married in Atlanta and about a month and a half later she's having an affair with me. I guess she decided to live the fantasy of screwing around with a cute French Canadian behind her husband's back as soon as she set foot back in Montreal just for the sheer thrill.

 

Or maybe she told me the truth when she said that they had a fight and a discussion and they decided to annul it and she went off on her own while her husband makes up his mind about what he wants. I don't know. All I know is that I was used and ended up getting hurt.

 

I thought I knew her. Apparently, I only knew the surface.

 

What a mind f*ck!

[SomeGeekGuy]

Had another therapy session today. It's the second one and it's already getting better.

 

I got some exercises to do.

 

Like write down my conversations in my head with my ex and especially the questions I have.

 

Also make a list of the stuff I didn't like about her.

 

I already got a small list. But I'm having a hard time coming up with good stuff.

[SomeGeekGuy]

I'm just going to keep on posting on here as some kind of journal to share how I feel as days go by. I wanted to start a blog but I don't want to put anyone in trouble, plus I don't really want her to know what has been going on. The next time she decides to talk to me, or meets me in person (if there is a next time), I want her to think I was strong, even though I clearly wasn't.

 

I've been doing a lot of walking to either get my mind off of her or to focus on my feelings and think about discussions I would like to have with her. Yesterday, I must have walked the longest distance I've walked so far since the breakup. (We did a lot more walking while in New York) I literally walked all across downtown Montreal and the Plateau, for a solid 5 hours stopping only to eat a small plate of pork dumplings in Chinatown.

 

When I walk, I always start by passing by her place and stare at her condo apartment windows for a sign of life, see the window decorations and the colors from the orange-y light radiating off her furniture and curtains in her bedroom, reminding myself of the time I spent with her in that very room. Then I spend the better part of the next few hours grieving the loss of a loved one I thought I knew. Over time, the feeling changes from deep sorrow to anger and bitterness and then on to depression. It can't be helped. I just have to do my pilgrimage or I feel anxious and out of place.

 

I've been wishing so hard that things didn't turn out this way, that instead she was single and trustworthy and that we could've spent 3 years together until I decide what to do with my future, either move to the U.S. or stay in Canada. And lately, with the way things are going here, sometimes I wish I could move out of here.

[Joaquin]

"When I walk, I always start by passing by her place and stare at her condo apartment windows for a sign of life, see the window decorations and the colors from the orange-y light radiating off her furniture and curtains in her bedroom, reminding myself of the time I spent with her in that very room...."

 

This is getting very unhealthy. I suggest you mention this to suitably qualified health professional. It's not appropriate behaviour.

[SomeGeekGuy]

"When I walk, I always start by passing by her place and stare at her condo apartment windows for a sign of life, see the window decorations and the colors from the orange-y light radiating off her furniture and curtains in her bedroom, reminding myself of the time I spent with her in that very room...."

 

This is getting very unhealthy. I suggest you mention this to suitably qualified health professional. It's not appropriate behaviour.

 

Well it's not like I'm waiting there for her to show up, I just walk on by. I'm not stalking her. And I can't see anything, she's like on the 5th floor of a building.

 

And yes, I am seeing a professional and I talk about what I do.

 

It's just my way of coping with my grief.

[SomeGeekGuy]

I haven't heard from her in over a week.

 

I'm very tempted to send her a text to ask her how she's doing.

 

I feel worried for some reason.

[SomeGeekGuy]

I'm having a bit of a relapse this morning.

 

This week I've been feeling a little bit more relieved and I was in another state of mind where I stopped having all these conversations with her in my head and asking myself questions.

 

Today, I don't know why, I just want to see her. I just want to hang out with her, even though I know I'm not ready yet. I know I still have a lot to go before that's even impossible.

 

I guess it's because I still woke up dreaming about her. I swear it's like that every freakin' day!! I wake up in a panic and she's like in my head and then I can't fall back asleep. And it's like 4-5am.

 

Then I was looking around my apartment and I saw a pillow she made for me. It's a couch pillow and the fabric has images of Chinese food on it, it's pretty cool. I love that pillow. And I was looking a t the couple of little plush toys she got me. One she got from a craft expo is a little stuffed Japanese Onigiri. (We had a thing for Japanese food) Another is a little character from the game "Cut the rope", the candy-eating monster. It's funny how I get it now, why she liked this little monster from the Cut the rope game so much. After reading her blog I found out she was a massive candy freak.

 

Reading her blogs has opened my eyes a lot about her. She likes melancholic music and songs. She's gone through several failed relationships, one of which I believe must've hurt her pretty bad because you can sense a sudden shift in her personality as you read through her posts. At some point, you kind of get the feeling that she starts to thrive on emotional pain somehow. She's also very impulsive, and a freak (in the sex kind of way. Man had I known...) Anyway, for some reason that made me feel like I somehow got closer to her.

 

All of this makes me want to see her again and just hang out and still be friends with her. Especially now that I get where she comes from a little bit more.

 

The problem is her husband. As long as he's around, I can't really see her again. I kinda wish their marriage didn't work out and they would just split. I know it's selfish and pretty stupid. I mean I'm talking about wanting to be friends with a girl who really hurt me and wishing her bad luck in her marriage to have her to myself.

 

I just miss her, especially as a friend. And I know we'd get along much better now that I know all this stuff about her. It's almost like I spent the past few years with her.

 

I'm angry at her for what she did to me, but I want her still, at least as a friend because we got along so freakin' well.

 

My god, I'm so confused.

[SomeGeekGuy]

You know, there is one fear that I've had for a long time. The fear of the day she will have to leave and go back to Atlanta.

 

That happens to be in December of next year, I believe.

 

I've had nightmares about it and the very thought of it is gut wrenching.

 

It scares me that she will be so far away. I haven't heard from her in over a week and it's driving me crazy.

[SomeGeekGuy]

So it's been two weeks since I last heard any news from her.

 

I've been feeling a lot better, I'm less of an emotional mess and started eating again. I lost a lot of appetite though and lost some weight. I can eat about half as much as I used to and I went up one notch on my belt. This whole thing really took its toll on me.

 

I'm still taking long walks for hours. I started taking pictures of stuff and created a blog to talk about the stuff I do. I'm just so bored it's incredible. I really feel like I don't have anyone to share my life with anymore. I swear it almost feels like she died or something and that I'm still grieving.

 

I miss her and I miss the good times we had. I was a crazy spontaneous person who made a fool of himself to make people laugh. She was my accomplice and she just went with it, laughed with me and took pictures. Yet, I'm so angry at her for creating this situation. Not only am I frustrated for feeling like I was used, but also because we might not ever be able to stay in touch after that. After all the effort I put into this relationship, this is the thanks I get. I lose what I thought was one of the best friends I had.

 

I'm really tempted to send her an email just to check up on her. I want to know how she's doing. Something short with a link to my blog.

 

Actually I sort of started that blog for her. I wanted to share with her the stuff I find around town as I keep myself busy. Places I wish I could take her out to that I know she would find interesting.

[SomeGeekGuy]

Well, cutting contact certainly has helped. I'm already feeling better, I'm eating again, the smile is coming back to my face and with the weight I lost, I started recovering my long lost right dimple.

 

Paired with the left one, I'll have double the charm. Hehehe.

 

I had a company activity yesterday and spent some time having fun with a bunch of coworkers and it really helped bring my mood back up.

 

I'm going to wait another couple of weeks, then I'll send her an email and ask how she's doing and mention my blog. But, I'm going to keep contact to a minimum.

[Insanityshorse]

Glad to hear you're doing better man, so am I! NC is the way to go.... I unfortunately still have some things of hers that I know she is wanting back; however, I'm not going to get a hold of her for just that... screw it. She can come to me.

 

As far as emailing her man, I would strongly advice against it. Especially because you'll be asking her how she is doing. She will either tell you she is great, and then what? Awesome, she is great... that sure helps you out. Or, she says she's not, she misses you... but what the hell does that change? Nothing.

 

It's basically lose/lose for you man. Just keep doing what you're doing.... it is the only way.

 

Just my opinion though.

[RedDevil66]

Hi neighbor....Montreal here also!

Listen, if you were with someone who had BPD before, it's a strong possibility this woman also has some personality disorder.

It's not your every day, run of the mill person who will perpetuate the lies this one did.

 

You connected, you had a great time and it sucks that she just upped and walked away from it, but who knows, maybe she did this to her husband and other men before him and may do this to other men after you.

If she is so willing to lie and cheat, it's pretty safe to say, she's quite disconnected to the feelings of others.

 

Time does heal and the sh&tty advice you got a the beginning of this thread, well I hope you ignore that.

Your feelings were real and true and you hurt.

All the "break up" advice you will get means nothing. You need to mourn, cry, get mad and just feel it out.......This may be a great time to look deep in yourself to ask yourself why you attract women like this. I attract not such great men so I understand.

 

I'm watching your thread to check your progress.......hug