Girl I am dating for almost a year is getting back with her ... husband.

[SomeGeekGuy]

Nah it's too late for that. I just replied normally.

 

She sent me an email last night at like almost 3am asking me if it was okay if she texted me and she said she was sorry if that upset me or weirded me out. She just felt the urge to share that moment with me because I was the only one who would truly appreciate it and understand.

 

I guess she was worried she might have upset me by doing so. Strangely enough I'm okay.

 

I dunno. It did weird me out a bit, but only because I totally didn't expect a text from her, ever, and I didn't really know how to react.

 

Anyway, I did reply to her email and said exactly that, that I was surprised. But, I said it was no big deal and I understood why she wanted to share that with me. And I just said goodbye after that.

 

I think I handled this pretty well. I'm proud of myself for not emotionally collapsing. I guess it's proof that I'm moving on.

 

Anyway, it's not okay if she tries to call me or whatever. I don't want to see her or talk to her. Email is fine as long as it's once in a while and that's it. No more that that.

[SomeGeekGuy]

So, here's an update after a couple of weeks.

 

As I was typing a reply to her email, she popped up in my mail instant messenger thing and she was asking how I've been. She told me she missed me a whole lot and she keeps thinking about me. She gets reminded of me from all the sights in the city and the places we've been to. It's funny because that's what I've been doing since she left me.

 

I've been going on trips this month to get my mind off things and get a change of scenery just to get away from that a little bit. One of these trips to the west coast in the States really made me happy. I came back refreshed and feeling awesome.

 

Except the whole contact with the ex thing just brought me back down. At first, hearing how she missed me and how she's been thinking of me the whole time really warmed my heart and made me feel really good. But, I realise now that I've started obsessing over her again and that's bad.

 

She called me up the week after I came back and we talked for a little bit. Suddenly I felt attached to her again. Big f*cking mistake. All my memories of her came back. Just as I was coming out of it.

 

She seems to be interested in how I've been in the past months. Like she's trying to know how bad I had it. I don't know if she wants to me to tell her so she can tell me she relates to me and has been in the same situation or maybe she just wants to know if I was hurt and wants to apologize or what. I don't know.

 

I can feel myself getting back into a depression and I don't want that to happen. I was starting to move on. I need to fight this bad feeling with all I've got.

 

One thing's for sure, I have to tell her that we can't keep in touch. It's bad for me. Besides, I have so many pent up emotions and feelings about her I feel like I'm going to burst into a atomic mushroom cloud of emotions. If she thinks I can still be friends, she's wrong. I don't even trust her anymore and I can't believe a word she says. It really breaks my heart to say this but we gotta cut contact, no matter how bad we want to talk to each other and tell each other about things we find that we know we're interested in. It's too bad. It's a ruined friendship and a ruined relationship that could've gone far if the circumstances had been different. What a f*cking shame.

Edited August 22, 2012 by SomeGeekGuy
Added a detail

[hinatticus]

You sound a lot stronger. Good for you man. Keep it up!

[SomeGeekGuy]

Hell yes!

 

Frankly that last trip did the job. And like I said, hearing about her missing me helped a bit too, oddly. I'm just obsessing over her since she started talking to me again.

 

I can't help it. I was so in love with that woman. Damn it all.

[hinatticus]

Sounds like you might need another trip!!

[SomeGeekGuy]

Yep. Heading to Toronto this weekend to visit my cousin and hang out. There are some cool happenings in town so it should be a lot of fun.

 

I hope this thread and my experience will be useful for other people going through the same situation.

 

If I have any advice though, it would be to follow your own gut feeling. Don't listen to what people say about the person who wronged you. They'll call him/her names, and say mean things about them. But, things are never black and white. Make sure you make your own opinion about the other person and don't be too quick to judge. You don't always know the full story, or rather their side of the story. One thing's for certain though, you can't think of continuing your relationship with that person. Whether as a lover or a friend. Maybe an acquaintance at most, but keep your distance and keep your cool. The reason for that is because the trust you had in that person will be completely broken. You will never again believe anything this person says. You'll always be suspicious, whether the person just had one mistake or is a chronic liar. Basically, the relationship will be poisoned and this will drive you crazy.

 

Looking back, I'm glad I didn't get in touch with her. This proved that I am strong and can be an independent individual. I'm not out of depression yet, and I still miss the times we had a lot. But, I feel more independent and I am starting to be comfortable as a single person and I am enjoying myself a lot more now.

 

My blog is what kept me going. Taking up a hobby of some kind was the best therapy, really. It started off as a way for me to share things with my ex, but it became my own thing. I share my posts with friends on facebook and I even have other people stumbling upon my blog and leaving comments. I now have over a thousand visits! I'm very proud of that accomplishment.

[mephisto]

Quite honestly, by now (like many other members who read your post) I thought you would have killed yourself.

Never EVER expected this amazing change of mind of yours.

Seems like the lion within you came out to stop all this abuse from her side.

You were about to lose your mind.

I personally think that you had this change of heart because your self esteem and we salute you for it.

WELL FRIGGING DONE !!!

And my final 2 lines on the subject :

Regardless of whatever you think or feel about her, this woman shows all the symptoms of a highly active borderline. Get ready,she is coming back!

 

 

 

Yep. Heading to Toronto this weekend to visit my cousin and hang out. There are some cool happenings in town so it should be a lot of fun.

 

I hope this thread and my experience will be useful for other people going through the same situation.

 

If I have any advice though, it would be to follow your own gut feeling. Don't listen to what people say about the person who wronged you. They'll call him/her names, and say mean things about them. But, things are never black and white. Make sure you make your own opinion about the other person and don't be too quick to judge. You don't always know the full story, or rather their side of the story. One thing's for certain though, you can't think of continuing your relationship with that person. Whether as a lover or a friend. Maybe an acquaintance at most, but keep your distance and keep your cool. The reason for that is because the trust you had in that person will be completely broken. You will never again believe anything this person says. You'll always be suspicious, whether the person just had one mistake or is a chronic liar. Basically, the relationship will be poisoned and this will drive you crazy.

 

Looking back, I'm glad I didn't get in touch with her. This proved that I am strong and can be an independent individual. I'm not out of depression yet, and I still miss the times we had a lot. But, I feel more independent and I am starting to be comfortable as a single person and I am enjoying myself a lot more now.

 

My blog is what kept me going. Taking up a hobby of some kind was the best therapy, really. It started off as a way for me to share things with my ex, but it became my own thing. I share my posts with friends on facebook and I even have other people stumbling upon my blog and leaving comments. I now have over a thousand visits! I'm very proud of that accomplishment.

[SomeGeekGuy]

Well, I think she just has issues and she gets away from them by being with men. She can't stand being alone. She was hurt in the past and abandoned in a way so I guess that's her way to cope.

 

Also, the fact that she's alone up here doesn't help. She's very lonely.

[hinatticus]

Hey somegeekguy. How about giving advice about not watching your ex through her apartment windows;) I hope you still don't do that. Of all the self destructive things you did, that was the one I had a problem with.

 

I'm really proud of you man. I'm 6 months post bu now and I still have the odd bad day, but I have a child with her so that's my excuse. But I know how you felt, you actually do sound like you are doing better.

 

The icing on this thread would be when you post about meeting some hot geek chick.

[SomeGeekGuy]

Hinatticus,

 

I am still too hung up on my ex to meet anyone right now. I still think about her a lot, whether it be good or bad.

 

I don't know if I'll ever get over this. It really hurt me in a way that nothing ever will. I wouldn't even wish that kind of **** to my worst enemy because of how low that was.

 

But, yeah, I hope the day will come when I will post something here along those lines, but you better be patient. It'll take a while.

 

I need to work on myself first. My self esteem is in the dumps right now, feeling like the biggest fool in the world. I'm still going to see my therapist from time to time to help me cope with issues I still have. For example, I did a road trip this weekend by myself and I spent a lot of time with my thoughts in the car and that was not pleasant. I had discussions in my head with my ex and I was playing out scenarios to think about what I would say or how I would react. I still need a lot of work.

[SomeGeekGuy]

Well, my trip to Toronto was difficult. The driving part anyways. It's tough being by yourself, boxed up for over 6 hours with nothing but your thoughts. Especially during a depression.

 

Thankfully I came back with some awesome memories.

 

But, depression being what it is you get highs like that but always come back down.

 

Since my ex chatted with me and told me she missed me, I thought it was great at first, but then I realize that I am just more obsessed about her now. I even drew her a card for her birthday. It was themed after our TV show that we were so fond of and I added a little gift. A small nick knack I found in a store that made me think of her.

 

Looking back, I don't know why I did that. I sound like a kindergartner and a god damn fool.

 

I had a great time this past month. Went to Maine, San Fran, Toronto, saw all these amazing places and had the time of my life with some awesome people, but it still feels like something's missing. I'm missing my ex, the way things were before everything fell apart. I still feel like sharing with her everything I do every day because I know it would be totally her thing, but I know I can't. And I know how much she's done me wrong. Then I start demonizing her and I get angry and sad and I'm still a big emotional mess sometimes.

 

She also called me and she was asking how I've been. I acted cool and said I was okay and that I was doing all these things. But, she tried to insist on knowing how I've been the past few months. I never told her anything. If only she knew.

 

Sometimes I feel like I want to come out of the shadows and message her big brother on facebook. He's her only sibling and I know she's very very close to him. I wish I could tell him what happened. I want someone on her side to know what the f*ck she's been up to and the real reason why her marriage failed. Her brother would've been the perfect person to tell because, if he's anything like me and my lil' sis, he's probably her confidant and he will love his sister no matter what. And he'll probably be able to give her a good talk and make her think about what she's done. But, then again, I'm just fantasizing.

 

Anyway, I'm going out for a walk to get my mind off things.

[hinatticus]

Sorry to hear you're in a setback.

 

Get this... I just had a hernia operation today. My god, the f^cking pain is unbearable. It's enough to get my mind off everything. The pain is consuming! My balls, my leg, my side, all in crazy pain. Sorta like a gunshot I would imagine. My ex picked me up from the hospital and it's said that I gotta take care of my sin in these conditions. I'm not allowed to pick up ten pounds, not that I could anyway. I asked if she could come by after work to take care of him and out him to sleep. I have massive troubles even getting up!

 

Sorry to hijack, but I had to tell someone the pain in feeling that isn't ex related. I suggest you get a hernia and an operation, it will make your mind focus on the physical pain!

 

Wow, this hurts.

 

Good luck btw;)

[hinatticus]

Sorry to hear you're in a setback.

 

Get this... I just had a hernia operation today. My god, the f^cking pain is unbearable. It's enough to get my mind off everything. The pain is consuming! My balls, my leg, my side, all in crazy pain. Sorta like a gunshot I would imagine. My ex picked me up from the hospital and it's sad that I gotta take care of my son in these conditions. I'm not allowed to pick up ten pounds, not that I could anyway. I asked if she could come by after work to take care of him and put him to sleep. I have massive troubles even getting up! I wish she could take care of me;(

 

Sorry to hijack, but I had to tell someone the pain in feeling that isn't ex related. I suggest you get a hernia and an operation, it will make your mind focus on the physical pain!

 

Wow, this hurts.

 

Good luck btw;)

[It's Just Me]

SGG...

 

You are such a nice guy. Et elle ne vaut pas la peine, mais VRAIMENT PAS la peine. Seriously. Prends-toi en main, et prends soin de TOI. From a fellow Montrealer.

 

Heartbreak is a normal and natural thing in life. I will say that I am surprised that you are still stuck after this many months, but you seem to be making progress. Don't forget that we are seeing things as they should be - we don't know her smile, her eyes, and her smell and all that lovely stuff that is influencing you. We are seeing the manipulator that she is, based on what you have described. In black and white.

 

Take what we say with a grain of salt if you'd like, but honestly... you'd be a fool to allow this nonsense to continue. I have been there. No good can come of it.

[SomeGeekGuy]

Hinatticus: I am sorry for your pain. That does take your mind off your other problems. One of my cousins has the same issue and is waiting for her operation. I hope you get well soon.

 

It's just me: Yes, I am still stuck after her. I don't know if it's just me, but girls seem to move on much faster than guys. It's hard to let go when you lived such a high where you were the happiest in your whole life and were so crazy in love with the person. It hurts when they leave you, it hurts doubly so when you learn they have deceived you and the pain goes to a whole other level when you think that person only thinks of you as a fling and nothing more.

 

I am having a tough week. Her contacting me feels like she opened the door for me to talk to her but I know I shouldn't go through. I am a big ball of emotions right now and I have a million questions for her. But, fundamentally I just want to know the reason why. Why did she string me along and took me so far for so long when it was evident that I was developing feelings for her and did so willingly while she was married and had an ongoing relationship with her (now ex) husband. And, doesn't she have any feelings? Or empathy? Anything? For her to be dating just days after the divorce was finalized seems cold. It's like nothing fazed her at all.

 

I have a feeling the same fate happened to another "friend" of hers the first year she moved here. They seemed to have something going on, he was a fling, but was eventually pushed aside almost a year later when her boyfriend came up for Christmas to ask her to marry him. A month after her marriage, they tried to anull the marriage (or so she said) and seeing that the relationship was not going well she dated me. Almost a year later, I get pushed aside because he wants to move in with her and she wants to "fix" their relationship.

 

And to think that she sat me and her other "friend" next to each other at her thanksgiving dinner. The guy seemed down in the dumps and I can understand why.

 

I feel terrible for her ex husband. I think about what happened and the poor guy loved her. He spent a lot of money to fly here to meet her when he could. A round trip costs close to 700$! From what I found out about him, he doesn't seem like a rich guy. He's in the same field as I am and lived in a flat with room mates so I assume he makes about the same or a bit more than I do. So flying over wasn't cheap for him. He would come over maybe once or twice a year at most. He went through the trouble of planning out and paying for a wedding and managing the thing by himself, I bet, while she was up here. Only to have her cheat on him a month later.

 

This is all so unfair. I always worked hard to make my partner happy in my relationships and I put so much effort in this one for her because she made me so happy.

 

Seriously, how long is she going to keep this up until someone commits suicide? I know the thought of it passed through my head a couple of times. I'm having a really hard time to find the motivation to get up every morning. I hate my life, I hate my job and I hate my financial situation where I live on the edge of my budget. She was my best friend and made me the happiest in my whole life so far. Once you had a taste of such happiness, it's hard to lose it all in this fashion.

 

I wish she knew all of this and that she could feel the same pain I feel.

 

Anyway. I gotta keep telling myself something good's gonna turn up. I already worked hard on making my apartment more liveable. Got new bedsheets, new couch, got tons of artwork and cool stuff to hang on my walls. Now I started looking at some job posts to see what's out there and I found some interesting stuff. I might contact some of them soon just to get my name out there. I'm also thinking of signing up for some group activities in my neighbourhood. It's hard to keep up, but I gotta do this to stay alive.

[Sunslides]

Hey my friend, I am from Ottawa, a close drive! I feel your pain!!! You'll Be fine, I went through it a year and a half ago after 6 years of pure happiness.

 

Listen, meet people : Find Meetup groups near you - Meetup Honestly, this is great... There are separation groups, single groups, ... TONS. Always a group happening in Montreal. You WILL make new friends.

 

Believe me, what happened to you, happened to me. It's HARD! but time heals... I know WAY too many getting divorced after 5 - 10 even 20 years! YOU are not alone. This stuff happens every day.

 

PS: Je suis francophone aussi!

 

REMEMBER : TIME HEALS!

 

Now... Go check out meetup.com

[SomeGeekGuy]

I know meetup.com groups are popular in Ottawa, but not so much in Montreal.

[SomeGeekGuy]

I just wanted to document this somewhere before I forget. And I thought this would be a good place.

 

I just had a dream about my ex just now as I was waking up this morning.

 

In my dream I was walking with my ex in the streets of a city. The streets were very narrow and the buildings were very tall. It was almost maze-like. She had a sad look on her face. We were having a discussion about what she did to me and her husband and probably others. We weren't fighting or anything. But, I was upset and so was she. The conversation went to the topic of cheating. I was trying to explain to her what cheating was because her definition was wrong. I told her she had been cheating on her ex-husband ever since she moved here. She had a flight with another guy when she first moved here. (That's true actually, not just in the dream.) She said it wasn't cheating, but I explained to her that the moment you have sex with someone else, you're cheating. As I was talking to her about this she became worst. She just stopped talking.

 

Then, we went into this building and took an elevator up to a certain floor. It reminded me of my old apartment in Ottawa. When we reached our floor we went to this place that looked like a classroom of sorts with chairs and desks and stuff. It was all girls. They looked like hipster chicks of sorts with thick framed glasses and hipster clothes and most of them had tattoos. (I have no idea where that whole thing came from) My ex and I were in that class where they were talking about I can't remember what. As I was looking around after whatever lecture this was, my ex disappeared. I went out of the room to look for her and I had a hunch. She was in this weird Japanese grocery store that had a bar where people could sit to eat and drink. She was all alone in the whole place. She was slumped over and she was drinking sake. I sat next to her and asked her what was wrong and she didn't say a word. I could see the sad expression on her face. She leaned on me a bit and I asked her if it was because she was sad of losing her husband and she nodded. I asked her if she was sad of losing me too. She didn't say a word. She stood up and disappeared again. I tried to follow her but she had gone into the restroom and I could hear her puke her guts out. She drank too much. I wanted to go help her, but that's when my phone woke me up.

 

Funny enough, I had a text message from her from last night telling me she just saw a video I posted on youtube.

 

Anyway. Just wanted to share that in case anybody wants to analyze it or something. I don't know.

[SomeGeekGuy]

So my ex has been txting me and emailing me the past month. She eventually caught me on the GMail Chat. And then later on on Video chat. It felt nice at first to see her again. And we got to talk about what we've been up to the past few days.

 

Then she asked me if I could come over to her place. She said she had a little present for me. I was meeting an old college buddy for dinner that night close to her place so she said I could just come over after.

 

After my dinner, I went for a long walk to think about it. And I prepared myself mentally. I finally went by her place. I tried to convince her to come out instead of me going up to her apartment because I was scared I might break down since I spent so much time there with her and that's where my best memories are. But, she was in her jammies and it was cold out anyway. So I went up.

 

We talked for hours. First we joked around a bit, had a few laughs. She showed me some of her crafting projects she's been working on and then we talked for hours about what happened in the past six months. Apparently her husband went kind of crazy and contacting all her ex's for answers and to learn more about her and her ways I guess.

 

Also, she showed me pictures of a trip she made to Toronto. Going through the pictures I saw the guy she went with. I recognized him right away. He was the smoker in her kitchen window. I asked how she met him and apparently she met him while we were still together. I remember her telling me about him. He was a guy that randomly invited her to come in to a see an independent art exhibit randomly just like that on the street. I guess she hung out with him there. He also told her about a concert in some bar with a band that she knows about and she went and met him there again. Seems like she kept his contact info because a couple of months later she was dating him after her husband divorced her. I was very upset to hear about that.

 

She's also been hanging out from time to time with the first guy she had a fling with when she first moved here. That also upset me. He's supposed to be just a friend, but I'm suspicious about that. I really don't know what to make of all this. It's really upsetting because to me it feels as though I wasn't important enough to her so that she would get back in touch when her husband divorced her. But, anyway, it's pointless...

 

Later I told her about my experience and how I've dealt with this since she left me. She was very sorry for what she did to me. She was sad and I could see that she missed me a whole lot. She kept apologizing for hurting me the way she did and told me that I was the nicest guy she's ever met in her life and that I really didn't deserve this because I had been nothing but good to her. And basically, I was just stuck in this situation as a result of her bad decisions.

 

It was late and the subway was closed so she gave me a ride home. On our way there she insisted that nothing that happened was my fault or that I should feel bad about myself. She said there was nothing bad about me and that I was a great guy.

 

When she finally pulled up in front of my flat, she put the car in park and she put her head on my shoulder and grabbed my hand. I grabbed hers and we just stayed like that for a while. When I got out she stepped out to give me a hug. We hugged for a bit then I gave he kisses on the cheeks as I was about to leave. She hugged me one last time and told me we should go have dinner sometime. Then she kissed me. Just a little quick kiss. And we said goodnight and that was it.

 

By the way, her present was a little toy she got from a dispenser in Chinatown. It's a little inside thing between us.

 

I've been down since then, but I'm doing my best to keep on going. It's hard. I loved that girl so much and I'm sure she has feelings for me too. But, we both know everything is ruined.

 

Man, **** my life. Why did this have to happen.

[LostOne1]

man that is deep and tough.... I don't know how I would handle that with my ex if it happened jsut to know its probably not going to work.

 

Actually it might have happened to me once.. I think my ex drove me home after we had a fight. But some how she reconsidered it all. I guess I got lucky then.. not like now. My luck has run out it seems

[SomeGeekGuy]

It's really painful to come to the realization that the person who you truly feel is your soul mate and with whom you would definitely want to live the rest of your life, cannot be with you and has so many issues and has ****ed up the relationship so much, you just can't figure out any way to make this work anymore.

 

All I can do is try to accept it, but I just can't. I am hooked on her and there's nothing I can do.

 

For once I find the person that matches the best with my personality, this has to fu*king happen.

[SomeGeekGuy]

My ex called me last night. She's been following my blog and I recently posted an article about how I baked one of her cookie recipes. So she decided to call me up to ask me how they were and also to get hear some news from me. We talked for a good while.

 

Last year around this time we went apple picking in an orchard south of the city. It was a very nice place. Even though the weather was crappy we had a great time.

 

So last night she asked me if I was going apple picking this year and I said no. So she proposed that we go again together next weekend. For some reason, I said yes like an idiot. But it would depend if I felt well enough since I'm down with a cold. Then I said anyway I'll think about it.

 

Later on we were talking about an actor in a tv show she really likes. She told me that one of her friends, a dude she met the first year she moved here and with whom she had a fling before she met me, was at her place one night last week and making jokes about that actor while the tv show was playing. Actually, they've been hanging out now and doing activities together.

 

That left me pretty cold and feeling disgusted. Now I don't know what she's doing with this guy, maybe they're just hanging out, but I got a feeling she's back to sleeping with him. And he must be pretty happy to be back with her now that her husband and I or anybody else are out of the picture. But, what do I know... Still, I'm pretty f*cking upset. Quite frankly, the thought of her being with another man makes me physically sick and drives me insane.

 

She probably thinks that I've moved on or something, I don't know. But, I'm not ready to hear this kind of thing. What the heck is she expecting from me?

 

I need to let her know that I can't go apple picking with her. In fact, I think it's best if we stopped talking because I still have feelings for her and as long as we're in contact I'm never going to get over her. Also, I am still upset about her screwing me over the way she did and I don't think I'll ever get over that, no matter how much she apologizes. She was deceitful to me and kept secrets and basically f*ucked me up and every aspect of my life right now. I am also upset about how she met this other guy while we were still together and how she ended up dating him after her husband divorced her.

 

I need to tell her without going overboard. I don't want to make a big scene and I want to keep things civilized between her and I. Can you guys give me some advice?

[Mike_d]

Can you guys give me some advice?

are you really ready to take it? or are you going to push back on it and just continue to sit in place?

[SomeGeekGuy]

I want advice on how to express how I feel in an email. I don't want to send an angry incoherent message with a mish mash of my emotions.

 

I want to be straight and to the point and just tell her that I don't want to hang out with her because it will just hurt me more than anything else.

 

Maybe she expects me to move on and be cool about everything and be friends, but clearly I haven't moved on and I don't think I ever will. And things between us will never be the same.

 

I still have strong feelings for her and I am still very hurt by what she did. She was deceitful and secretive and she broke my heart. I can't help it, but I feel like I've been cheated.

 

Her secrets have lead me to become suspicious of everything she's ever said to me, especially about the other men that she met. It has made me wonder if she ever slept with them while we were dating. And the very thought of that makes me physically sick and whether it's true or not is driving me mad.

 

Maybe she expects me to move on and be friends, especially since we used to have such a wonderful relationship, but I don't think we can anymore. It'll never be the same again. Every time I get in contact with her I fall back into depression and I start obsessing again over everything. I haven't moved on and I don't know if I ever will.

 

Not a day goes by where I don't wish things could go back the way they were before because I've had the most memorable time of my life with her and I want to relive that.

 

----

 

Anyway, as you can see, I'm just a giant mess of emotions and I can't put any order into my thoughts. I don't want to send her something like what I just wrote. I just want her to know what she needs to know and that's the fact that we can't see each other and it's best if we stopped talking to each other because I still need to heal and get over this giant clusterf*ck because I am obsessing over it and it's driving me crazy.

 

I don't care how bad her bull**** has been for me, I don't want to sound like an immature assh*le. I want her to keep thinking that I'm an awesome guy and that she f*cked up on a good opportunity on finally getting a great boyfriend who would've been there for her, but also on a great friendship. That's it.

[SomeGeekGuy]

I have. Actually I have an appointment Friday morning. It couldn't have been at a better time.