snug.bunny Posted March 11, 2012 Share Posted March 11, 2012 Why mention this? The more appropriate question is, why is OP reaching out to someone he admits he still pines for while he is in a relationship with someone else? If OP were 'single', that's one thing, but as evidenced by this thread, he's not. It is a slap in the face to the woman he is in a 'relationship' with, and it is a slap in the face to SG as well (especially when trying to make her feel guilty with the 'SG hates me so much' routine). Maybe he gets off on that (her being 'angry'), because it's the only emotion he's able to generate and hey, it's better then nothing... It's sad, really. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
PlumPrincess Posted March 11, 2012 Share Posted March 11, 2012 Why is he not apologizing like I suggested instead of whining about how much she hates him? Unless he's the type of person who likes himself in the role of the victim. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
PlumPrincess Posted March 11, 2012 Share Posted March 11, 2012 The more appropriate question is, why is OP reaching out to someone he admits he still pines for while he is in a relationship with someone else? If OP were 'single', that's one thing, but as evidenced by this thread, he's not. It is a slap in the face to the woman he is in a 'relationship' with, and it is a slap in the face to SG as well (especially when trying to make her feel guilty with the 'SG hates me so much' routine). Maybe he gets off on that (her being 'angry'), because it's the only emotion he's able to generate and hey, it's better then nothing... It's sad, really. The only person anybody should feel sorry for is the woman who thinks she is in a relationship with him. The others need to get their act together. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author USMCHokie Posted March 11, 2012 Author Share Posted March 11, 2012 Geeeeeez Hokie, why do you let yourself be humiliated like that? Just move on from Star already. I'm not humiliated at all. Link to post Share on other sites
eleanorhurting Posted March 11, 2012 Share Posted March 11, 2012 i am lost were you guys ever a couple? Link to post Share on other sites
Author USMCHokie Posted March 11, 2012 Author Share Posted March 11, 2012 i am lost were you guys ever a couple? No. ---------- Link to post Share on other sites
FitChick Posted March 11, 2012 Share Posted March 11, 2012 i am lost were you guys ever a couple? It sounds like the two of them prefer fantasy over reality since they never even met. When they get a real person, they suffer Grass is Greener Syndrome and sabotage the relationship with the real person. Of course, I am only going by what I've gleaned on this forum. Link to post Share on other sites
jobaba Posted March 11, 2012 Share Posted March 11, 2012 i am lost were you guys ever a couple? I am lost too. From what I am able to gather from their posts, Hokie is a modest, contemplative Asian guy who is on the shy side and has had troubles with dating and is trying to find a nice girl. Star Gazer is a confident, arrogant white woman who wants a handsome, rich man and has no pity for 'unlucky and shy' guys. I can't imagine what they would have in common. Of course, that's just a snapshot and not necessarily accurate. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
PlumPrincess Posted March 11, 2012 Share Posted March 11, 2012 I am lost too. From what I am able to gather from their posts, Hokie is a modest, contemplative Asian guy who is on the shy side and has had troubles with dating and is trying to find a nice girl. Star Gazer is a confident, arrogant white woman who wants a handsome, rich man and has no pity for 'unlucky and shy' guys. I can't imagine what they would have in common. Of course, that's just a snapshot and not necessarily accurate. From what I have been able to gather, he hurt her feelings and never managed to realize the extent of pain he inflicted on her and never gave her a sincere apology, that's why she's angry (because she's hurt). He never gets why she is angry and is also playing the victim now (which would piss me off even more or maybe I would just move on after so much drama). 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Feelin Frisky Posted March 11, 2012 Share Posted March 11, 2012 Hokie, I don't know if anyone ever reads me when I say what I am about to say or thinks about it because I can't remember ever getting a validation but I really think there is a very simple dynamic that we all face but are never led by anyone to formally understand and internalize as serious "model knowledge" and it's the dynamics around simply "wanting" and "having". Romance is all about "wanting". That "want" is so driving and the drama of living the "want" builds what feels like love. Everything starts to change when you "have" what you thought you wanted. Whether you realize it or not you are addicted to "want". Everyone who tires quickly of relationships misses the drama and the unknowns of "want". "Want" is where it's at--"having" tends to create a hole rather than filling one. Therefore, the secret answer to all of this is to try to figure out how to still feel the compelling "want" when you "have" what you've wanted. If you don't sit down and face this, you'll be trapped in a repeating loop and never be happy. The thing is that both parties have to come to some sense of understanding that this dynamic is for real and you have to face how to live so that "having" will not kill your "wanting". You have to embrace freedom and risk of losing. That's what a good relationship I believe must lead to, two people having separate interests who support each other but do not control each other or even insert themselves into their separate pursuits. You have to be challenged by chance of loss, face exposure to infidelity, give yourself over to risk. It's counter-intuitive. But it works because you'll "want" in new ways and feel real validation if loyalty prevails. Life is meant to be tough. If you have what you want, it becomes less valuable. You have to balance the wanting with the having or you'll be in the same place forever. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
lino Posted March 11, 2012 Share Posted March 11, 2012 You aren't attracted to her enough. Pretty simple really. I am lost too. From what I am able to gather from their posts, Hokie is a modest, contemplative Asian guy who is on the shy side and has had troubles with dating and is trying to find a nice girl. Star Gazer is a confident, arrogant white woman who wants a handsome, rich man and has no pity for 'unlucky and shy' guys. I can't imagine what they would have in common. Of course, that's just a snapshot and not necessarily accurate. That's pretty much it mate. Considering her age and supposed ' professionalism ' it's unimpressive to put it nicely. Link to post Share on other sites
threebyfate Posted March 11, 2012 Share Posted March 11, 2012 Hokie, if you're not attracted to her, just walk. Stop settling. Link to post Share on other sites
Star Gazer Posted March 11, 2012 Share Posted March 11, 2012 Why mention this? Because it's relevant to the subject matter of this thread, most specifically as SB recognized: The more appropriate question is, why is OP reaching out to someone he admits he still pines for while he is in a relationship with someone else? If OP were 'single', that's one thing, but as evidenced by this thread, he's not. It is a slap in the face to the woman he is in a 'relationship' with, and it is a slap in the face to SG as well (especially when trying to make her feel guilty with the 'SG hates me so much' routine). Maybe he gets off on that (her being 'angry'), because it's the only emotion he's able to generate and hey, it's better then nothing... It's sad, really. The fact he's continuing to text me (or anyone else, really) gives important context to what Hokie is feelings/experiencing/etc., and I'm a big fan of knowing the FULL STORY when giving advice to people. Context is everything. IMHO. Link to post Share on other sites
Star Gazer Posted March 11, 2012 Share Posted March 11, 2012 Hokie, I don't know if anyone ever reads me when I say what I am about to say or thinks about it because I can't remember ever getting a validation but I really think there is a very simple dynamic that we all face but are never led by anyone to formally understand and internalize as serious "model knowledge" and it's the dynamics around simply "wanting" and "having". Romance is all about "wanting". That "want" is so driving and the drama of living the "want" builds what feels like love. Everything starts to change when you "have" what you thought you wanted. Whether you realize it or not you are addicted to "want". Everyone who tires quickly of relationships misses the drama and the unknowns of "want". "Want" is where it's at--"having" tends to create a hole rather than filling one. Therefore, the secret answer to all of this is to try to figure out how to still feel the compelling "want" when you "have" what you've wanted. If you don't sit down and face this, you'll be trapped in a repeating loop and never be happy. The thing is that both parties have to come to some sense of understanding that this dynamic is for real and you have to face how to live so that "having" will not kill your "wanting". You have to embrace freedom and risk of losing. That's what a good relationship I believe must lead to, two people having separate interests who support each other but do not control each other or even insert themselves into their separate pursuits. You have to be challenged by chance of loss, face exposure to infidelity, give yourself over to risk. It's counter-intuitive. But it works because you'll "want" in new ways and feel real validation if loyalty prevails. Life is meant to be tough. If you have what you want, it becomes less valuable. You have to balance the wanting with the having or you'll be in the same place forever. I really like this post, and the bold is so profound, yet so simple. Brilliant. Link to post Share on other sites
mickleb Posted March 11, 2012 Share Posted March 11, 2012 (edited) Because it's relevant to the subject matter of this thread, most specifically as SB recognized: The fact he's continuing to text me (or anyone else, really) gives important context to what Hokie is feelings/experiencing/etc., and I'm a big fan of knowing the FULL STORY when giving advice to people. Context is everything. IMHO. So give Hokie advice via text, like: 'Hokie, you appear to be reaching out to me. Is this true? If so, don't you think you should be reaching out to the woman you're with? Plus, you seem to be trying to make me feel guilty, and that feels like a slap in the face. So, don't text me any more, please.' Then, maybe, if it feels like someone is giving you a slap in the face, stop trying to help them via an internet forum? Because why would you want to? Your approach was, 'This person who I am helping on an internet forum is texting me, and I think that's wrong, so I'm going to tell!' Just seems less straight forward. If we knew the content of the texts then, maybe, some relevant context would be shared but, without that, I find the information pretty meaningless. Sharing the content of private texts between you two would be distasteful, though, wouldn't it? So it's good you didn't do that. Edited March 12, 2012 by mickleb 3 Link to post Share on other sites
dasein Posted March 12, 2012 Share Posted March 12, 2012 It's interesting to note that of all the billions of stars out there, only the ones we can see from Earth with the naked eye are attributed with power or influence in our lives. Link to post Share on other sites
Star Gazer Posted March 12, 2012 Share Posted March 12, 2012 So give Hokie advice via text, like: ... don't text me any more, please.' That's EXACTLY what I tell him. EXACTLY. Link to post Share on other sites
LexiB Posted March 12, 2012 Share Posted March 12, 2012 So give Hokie advice via text, like: 'Hokie, you appear to be reaching out to me. Is this true? If so, don't you think you should be reaching out to the woman you're with? Plus, you seem to be trying to make me feel guilty, and that feels like a slap in the face. So, don't text me any more, please.' Then, maybe, if it feels like someone is giving you a slap in the face, stop trying to help them via an internet forum? Because why would you want to? Your approach was, 'This person who I am helping on an internet forum is texting me, and I think that's wrong, so I'm going to tell!' Just seems less straight forward. If we knew the content of the texts then, maybe, some relevant context would be shared but, without that, I find the information pretty meaningless. Sharing the content of private texts between you two would be distasteful, though, wouldn't it? So it's good you didn't do that. This. Especially the bolded. Link to post Share on other sites
Nightsky Posted March 12, 2012 Share Posted March 12, 2012 I think you may be a little mistaken here...I'm hardly after the "next hottest thing"...I have never actually dated a girl that was "hot"...they have always been average looking with great personalities...I've always steered away from the "hot" ones... And I don't think I've ever stated that I had a looks requirement... You need to date a girl that is "hot!" Doesn't mean we think she is hot. But it means that you do, and nothing is going to convince you otherwise. You don't do yourself any favors by refusing to chase the girls you like. You don't do yourself any favors by choosing to settle. Link to post Share on other sites
Sivok Posted March 12, 2012 Share Posted March 12, 2012 Just got around to reading this thread but I can relate with some level on this. I feel I'm all about the girl (and I feel I hate the chase) but the second we're in the relationship and it's official, I get this negative pang. It's happened every single time no matter how into the girl I was. It always seemed temporary though. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author USMCHokie Posted March 12, 2012 Author Share Posted March 12, 2012 If we knew the content of the texts then, maybe, some relevant context would be shared but, without that, I find the information pretty meaningless. Sharing the content of private texts between you two would be distasteful, though, wouldn't it? So it's good you didn't do that. Context: I was trashed at around midnight in Vegas last night, decided to text Star out of the blue. It was a stupid idea, I know. I was not trying to "reach out to her" or trying to say anything, to be honest. Just a dumb drunk text. That's EXACTLY what I tell him. EXACTLY. This is right...I was wrong to have texted her... Link to post Share on other sites
reallyhotguy Posted March 12, 2012 Share Posted March 12, 2012 I'm starting to have trouble following what's going on here. Let me see if I have this: Hokie needs to drop this girl whom he's not really interested in, but he's dragging his heels, because it's hard to drop someone who's into you. Meanwhile, he still hasn't found the right person for him. A standard occurrence in the life of a single person looking for a good relationship, right? And the rest of it is all distraction from the main issue, which is really practical -- just haven't found the right person -- right? Link to post Share on other sites
Author USMCHokie Posted March 12, 2012 Author Share Posted March 12, 2012 Hokie, I don't know if anyone ever reads me when I say what I am about to say or thinks about it because I can't remember ever getting a validation but I really think there is a very simple dynamic that we all face but are never led by anyone to formally understand and internalize as serious "model knowledge" and it's the dynamics around simply "wanting" and "having". Romance is all about "wanting". That "want" is so driving and the drama of living the "want" builds what feels like love. Everything starts to change when you "have" what you thought you wanted. Whether you realize it or not you are addicted to "want". Everyone who tires quickly of relationships misses the drama and the unknowns of "want". "Want" is where it's at--"having" tends to create a hole rather than filling one. Therefore, the secret answer to all of this is to try to figure out how to still feel the compelling "want" when you "have" what you've wanted. If you don't sit down and face this, you'll be trapped in a repeating loop and never be happy. The thing is that both parties have to come to some sense of understanding that this dynamic is for real and you have to face how to live so that "having" will not kill your "wanting". You have to embrace freedom and risk of losing. That's what a good relationship I believe must lead to, two people having separate interests who support each other but do not control each other or even insert themselves into their separate pursuits. You have to be challenged by chance of loss, face exposure to infidelity, give yourself over to risk. It's counter-intuitive. But it works because you'll "want" in new ways and feel real validation if loyalty prevails. Life is meant to be tough. If you have what you want, it becomes less valuable. You have to balance the wanting with the having or you'll be in the same place forever. Good post, per the usual, Frisky...thanks... Link to post Share on other sites
Author USMCHokie Posted March 12, 2012 Author Share Posted March 12, 2012 Hokie, if you're not attracted to her, just walk. Stop settling. You aren't attracted to her enough. Pretty simple really. I'm attracted to her, but maybe not enough...? I certainly do feel like I'm settling here though...especially lately, as my "confidence" has been improving a little, as it often does when I'm dating someone...and I feel like I might actually have options... You need to date a girl that is "hot!" Doesn't mean we think she is hot. But it means that you do, and nothing is going to convince you otherwise. You don't do yourself any favors by refusing to chase the girls you like. You don't do yourself any favors by choosing to settle. Yea, this makes sense...but the moment I make myself single, I usually regress and gradually lose that "confidence"...so I'm back to being content with settling...and not with the "hot" girl... Link to post Share on other sites
johan Posted March 12, 2012 Share Posted March 12, 2012 I don't sense a lot of unresolved feelings between those two. Going no contact might be wise, but not because either of them is having a hard time moving on. More because they have a pretty messed up way of interacting that Hokie allows to keep going on, because he seems to enjoy being cross-examined, and it keeps getting played out on here. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts