tornangel Posted March 9, 2012 Share Posted March 9, 2012 Tybalt U are absolutely right.... Damaged people damage others ... Link to post Share on other sites
Author USMCHokie Posted March 9, 2012 Author Share Posted March 9, 2012 I asked how you felt because I was curious if you were having "fight or flight" type feelings, if you were experiencing actual sensations of panic or anxiety when you consider getting close in a more "real" way with someone, etc. These feelings, when they are activated outside of a rational/reasonable context, are often "triggered" emotions and are about reliving something in the past. Hmmm, ok, so this is what you meant by actual physical reactions...well no, I don't feel any physical manifestations of panic, anxiety, or worry... If your girlfriend really isn't doing it for you, the we are back to you responding and wanting someone only because they want you. I'm in agreement with what tornangel is saying about looking for external validation for your security and feelings of self worth. And you enjoy "fake" intimacy, but the real deal involves seeing another person for who they are. It also involves accepting that they are imperfect and can't validate or make you feel good about yourself when you are so profoundly uncomfortable in your own skin. You are right here...but I have no doubt that she is offering real intimacy...I just don't think I'm offering up in kind... You always try to figure it out, Hokie, and that's good. I think it is very possible when we get wrapped up very strongly in our own issues, to be blind to the needs of others, and it's more likely others get hurt. Damaged people damage others, unfortunately. Because of this truth I think it is important for everyone to start actively seeking resolution and healing before going out and involving others in their issues. This is not something I want to do... Link to post Share on other sites
tornangel Posted March 9, 2012 Share Posted March 9, 2012 U are the one handing out fake intamacy. for sure. And u are bound to damage another if u are damaged. Its inevitable. thats why I said u should be alone for awhile to have a relationship with urself.. Link to post Share on other sites
Tybalt Posted March 9, 2012 Share Posted March 9, 2012 You are right here...but I have no doubt that she is offering real intimacy...I just don't think I'm offering up in kind... This is not something I want to do... Right. Once someone else starts to have their own needs and wants in the relationship, they cease to be a projection of yours, and then the request for real intimacy (getting closer to THEM and who they really ARE, not who you have projected them to be) becomes burdensome. I know you don't want to hurt people, Hokie. Honestly if I were you, I'd work through your feelings/patterns with a therapist for a bit and see if you can't gain some insight and make some changes you can feel good about. I've done that. Link to post Share on other sites
Anela Posted March 9, 2012 Share Posted March 9, 2012 (edited) This is one thing I remind myself of when I start feeling sorry for myself, and feeling so lonely. I don't only fear being settled for, or being cheated on, beaten, whatever - I fear that I'll quickly feel stifled and start kicking myself over all of the pining for that relationship that I've always known won't make everything okay. I think a really good, strong relationship can make a certain amount of life better, but not 100%. *edit. oh, I don't want anyone else. I just like my own space, but I've wanted someone who would give me enough space, and someone I'm strongly attracted to, mentally, physically... I don't want to be having superficial dalliances. I hate that my self-esteem has been whacked around after getting my heart broken, and that I've given so much of my power (and time) away in recent years, as well as the past. I really hate that. And yet, I'm still affected and waste the precious time I have right now - when I'm in a low mood. What an idiot. Edited March 9, 2012 by Anela Link to post Share on other sites
Anela Posted March 9, 2012 Share Posted March 9, 2012 I'm not sure how or even what this feels like... It feels just as good as, if not better than, being in love/being loved by someone else, when it happens. I've felt it, and hate that I lost it. Link to post Share on other sites
Anela Posted March 9, 2012 Share Posted March 9, 2012 I was just thinking about that movie "Legally Blonde" in relation to what I wrote above, when she finally did well in law school. She runs up to her ex-boyfriend, all happy, exclaiming something to him about "remember that four hours in the hot tub?" Whilst his current girlfriend is puzzling over the idea of a whole four hours of sex, he's going rather goopy at the memory, and then she says, "This is SO much better than that!!" Link to post Share on other sites
lamaman3 Posted March 9, 2012 Share Posted March 9, 2012 (edited) Forget all this psychobabble. The reason you feel the way you do is because you are doing it wrong. You are a guy so naturally you have a strong desire to have sex with girls. Seems like you are under the mistaken impression that the only way to do this is in the context of a relationship. Yes, alot of guys have a natural desire to have sex without commitment. It doesnt mean you are psychologically damaged or any other such nonsense. Quite the opposite in fact. Once you get into a relationship and have sex, you don't want all the other things that happen in a relationship because you never wanted them in the first place. Solution: Learn how to be the kind of guy that honestly and unashamedly casually dates and has sex with women (plural). Eventually you will come across one whose company you enjoy so much that you will naturally want to deepen the relationship. This is how all the "in the know" guys do it and it leads to a much happier lifestyle than feigning intimacy and the desire for a "serious" relationship when all you really want is female company and a laid back casual sexual relationship. Yes you really can have the best of both worlds Edited March 9, 2012 by lamaman3 Link to post Share on other sites
reallyhotguy Posted March 9, 2012 Share Posted March 9, 2012 (edited) I just want to add that you shouldn't be too hard on yourself about this. Yes, it's supremely ****ty that you end up leading these women on, but deluding yourself is just part of the game. I mean, these are strangers, who could kill you in your sleep for all you know. But you look past those things in order to allow for a connection, and that requires some mind games, which can make it harder to see whether you're with someone who was never right for you. That said, I am sure you could see this coming, not because it's a pattern, but because I bet you picked up on some things about her that made you pause and you convinced yourself to look past them. Don't do that ****! That will get you in this position. You have a propensity toward building up grander narratives about your mistakes, but I think this one may come down to not pulling the trigger. Anyway, are you going to bite the bullet and call this one off? I'm surprised to hear she's not hot; why waste your time with someone you don't find stunning? Edited March 9, 2012 by reallyhotguy Link to post Share on other sites
Emilia Posted March 9, 2012 Share Posted March 9, 2012 Forget all this psychobabble. The reason you feel the way you do is because you are doing it wrong. You are a guy so naturally you have a strong desire to have sex with girls. Seems like you are under the mistaken impression that the only way to do this is in the context of a relationship. Yes, alot of guys have a natural desire to have sex without commitment. It doesnt mean you are psychologically damaged or any other such nonsense. Quite the opposite in fact. Once you get into a relationship and have sex, you don't want all the other things that happen in a relationship because you never wanted them in the first place. Solution: Learn how to be the kind of guy that honestly and unashamedly casually dates and has sex with women (plural). Eventually you will come across one whose company you enjoy so much that you will naturally want to deepen the relationship. This is how all the "in the know" guys do it and it leads to a much happier lifestyle than feigning intimacy and the desire for a "serious" relationship when all you really want is female company and a laid back casual sexual relationship. Yes you really can have the best of both worlds Yes pretty much. Even for women this approach works sometimes. You don't have to be in a relationship with everyone you sexually desire, I think most of us fancy a number of people physically without wanting to be in a relationship with them. Nothing to do with false intimacy or any of that nonsense, you just don't like her enough to date her long term. Link to post Share on other sites
SadGrl Posted March 9, 2012 Share Posted March 9, 2012 OP is a passive guy, who only dates girls who give him time of day, he might be too chicken to go for what he wants and needs. passive guys are never happy, unless they hit lottery and a right girl hits on them.....sad life for OP.... Link to post Share on other sites
xxoo Posted March 9, 2012 Share Posted March 9, 2012 Forget all this psychobabble. The reason you feel the way you do is because you are doing it wrong. You are a guy so naturally you have a strong desire to have sex with girls. Seems like you are under the mistaken impression that the only way to do this is in the context of a relationship. Yes, alot of guys have a natural desire to have sex without commitment. It doesnt mean you are psychologically damaged or any other such nonsense. Quite the opposite in fact. Once you get into a relationship and have sex, you don't want all the other things that happen in a relationship because you never wanted them in the first place. Solution: Learn how to be the kind of guy that honestly and unashamedly casually dates and has sex with women (plural). Eventually you will come across one whose company you enjoy so much that you will naturally want to deepen the relationship. This is how all the "in the know" guys do it and it leads to a much happier lifestyle than feigning intimacy and the desire for a "serious" relationship when all you really want is female company and a laid back casual sexual relationship. Yes you really can have the best of both worlds I wanted to "like" this....but I don't actually like it. I just think it's true that you are mistaking sexual interest for genuine interest in a relationship. Keep relationships casual for the first few months. Find women who are ok with that, and are maybe looking for the same. In time, you will connect with one on a different level than the others, and you'll truly want to be with her--and then no one else will compare Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted March 9, 2012 Share Posted March 9, 2012 No...and I haven't fallen even "softly" for anyone since the ex... Thanks...I hope so too... What sign was your Ex? Link to post Share on other sites
Kamille Posted March 9, 2012 Share Posted March 9, 2012 Exactly...? I start to value my personal time more and begin to get a little annoyed that the relationship cuts into that time. I do the same thing and I still can't figure out why I am somewhat of a commitmentphobe. I love being single (as I am now). I love not having to "worry" about my partner. And that's where, at least for me, the problem lies... I relate to a lot of what you say. You're worried about hurting this woman's feelings, trying to guess what she thinks and how she would react. That might indicate you have a variation of what I go through. So far, thanks to therapy, I've figured out that part of the reason why I feel stifled in relationships is because I'm "co-dependent". Growing up, one of my parent was sick (physically and mentally), and I usually end up feeling responsible for other people's happiness. I transfer that onto relationships - at my own cost. Relationships inevitably tire me out, as, in my mind, they involve always putting myself in question in order to please others. If you relate to this - I sadly have no answer to offer. I'm trying to figure it out myself. I know working on being more assertive has helped me improve the quality of relationships and how I feel in them. But I still have a long ways to go. Link to post Share on other sites
kiss_andmakeup Posted March 9, 2012 Share Posted March 9, 2012 I'm surprised you didn't see the impending issues in a self-described chronic "GIGS" person dating a woman 18 years his senior and 1500 miles away. Of COURSE you wonder if you could do better...because you so obviously could. A LDR with a 46-year-old woman is not exactly what every 20-something is dying for. Maybe this relationship enticed you because it was so easy to get her interested in you. I agree with everyone else who has said to seek out women you are genuinely attracted to and pursue them. Don't just wait for whatever falls in your lap. Chances are it won't be the pick of the litter. Link to post Share on other sites
zengirl Posted March 9, 2012 Share Posted March 9, 2012 Hokie, I'm not surprised. You really didn't seem that into this relationship. Maybe it's no relationship, IDK, but I think with you it's honestly more about you not seeing yourself as desirable and thus 'settling' with women who aren't what you really want + potentially subconsciously thinking less of them over time because you don't see yourself as desirable. That's just based on your other threads. There are a zillion reasons why one might want to be single, and plenty of them are light and healthy and totally normal. Nothing wrong with sincerely not wanting to be in THIS or ANY relationship, but if this is a pattern for you, I'd say there's something somewhere not working. Aren't you a Sagittarius? Sadges are the bachelor commitment-phobes of the zodiac. There's your problem. But you can do well with other commitment-phobic types, especially Geminis and other Sadges, and especially later in life. Hubby is a Sag, as is my Mom. Both are monogamous types to the core. I've certainly heard this stereotype, but I never found it to be terribly true. (I'm sure some Sags are commitmentphobes, but really, so are some everythings.) Honestly (and I say that as someone who does astrological charts, though I'm not 100% I believe in it), you cannot tell much from sun sign in terms of how a person really is. Sun signs only tell you how a person appears, on a shallow level. You need Sun/Moon/Rising to even work stuff out, IMO. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
ariadne999 Posted March 9, 2012 Share Posted March 9, 2012 its just because you are an ass like every other man on the planet. Don't worry. It's not your fault. Link to post Share on other sites
ThaWholigan Posted March 9, 2012 Share Posted March 9, 2012 Hokie, I'm not surprised. You really didn't seem that into this relationship. Maybe it's no relationship, IDK, but I think with you it's honestly more about you not seeing yourself as desirable and thus 'settling' with women who aren't what you really want + potentially subconsciously thinking less of them over time because you don't see yourself as desirable. That's just based on your other threads. There are a zillion reasons why one might want to be single, and plenty of them are light and healthy and totally normal. Nothing wrong with sincerely not wanting to be in THIS or ANY relationship, but if this is a pattern for you, I'd say there's something somewhere not working. Hubby is a Sag, as is my Mom. Both are monogamous types to the core. I've certainly heard this stereotype, but I never found it to be terribly true. (I'm sure some Sags are commitmentphobes, but really, so are some everythings.) Honestly (and I say that as someone who does astrological charts, though I'm not 100% I believe in it), you cannot tell much from sun sign in terms of how a person really is. Sun signs only tell you how a person appears, on a shallow level. You need Sun/Moon/Rising to even work stuff out, IMO. I though it was the ascendant/rising that shows you how someone appears on a shallow level?? I've noticed that every Saggitarius girl I meet usually has GREAT legs Link to post Share on other sites
snug.bunny Posted March 9, 2012 Share Posted March 9, 2012 Does anyone else experience this pattern...? And what did you do to alleviate it...? I did when I was in High School. Post-High School, no. I develop an overwhelming desire to be single...and this has happened with every girl I've dated in the past two and a half years since the ex... The timeline always goes like this: So I just end up going along for the ride... You confirmed you've been aware of your commitment issues, yet actively chose to "go along for the ride" until it became an issue for you (i.e "wanting to be single"). Now that you're being 'honest' and 'forthright' here, perhaps do the same with women you date...Otherwise, it is intentionally being deceitful. If someone isn't aware that they are dating a commitment-phobe who has a repeated history of "going along for the ride", you risk losing control of the wheel and crashing into a wall, injuring the other person in the process. Women who have a good amount of self-esteem will not want to become emotionally involved knowing this information ahead of time. If you wait to bring it up, because you're enjoying the ride so much...you will damage that person emotionally, in the end. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
zengirl Posted March 9, 2012 Share Posted March 9, 2012 I though it was the ascendant/rising that shows you how someone appears on a shallow level?? The rising sign does have some connection to how you "present" yourself to the world, but not in a superficial way as it also has a connection to how you were "formed" and the conditions you experienced that made you who you are. Sun signs are related to the conscious ego, which is superficial IMO, but I suppose superficial is the wrong word. I guess many people do live in the "ego" stage too much---I find that extremely superficial. Link to post Share on other sites
ThaWholigan Posted March 9, 2012 Share Posted March 9, 2012 The rising sign does have some connection to how you "present" yourself to the world, but not in a superficial way as it also has a connection to how you were "formed" and the conditions you experienced that made you who you are. Sun signs are related to the conscious ego, which is superficial IMO, but I suppose superficial is the wrong word. I guess many people do live in the "ego" stage too much---I find that extremely superficial. Makes sense. The Sun rules Leo and sometimes Leos can have a rather large ego at times. My sun sign (Virgo) is the complete opposite of my ascendant (Pisces), so ego is something I tend to be at odds with! Saggitarius people aren't always so unsettled I find, they are usually warm but because they are mutable they can be a little elusive. Depends on the chart really, I find the venus and mars signs are indicative of how they can be in relationship matters, as does the moon. Houses matter too. Link to post Share on other sites
FitChick Posted March 9, 2012 Share Posted March 9, 2012 Because the love of your life left you, whenever you develop similar feelings for another woman, it triggers fear in you that the same thing will happen again. Stimulus response Psychology 101. Just knowing that won't stop you from repeating your pattern. That is the problem with conventional therapy. You'll keep repeating this behavior, only you'll know WHY. But "why" isn't the problem. You need to look at not only which belief you formed as the result of that experience, i.e. "Love always ends," but also what would any logical person have to believe if he believed THAT statement? Examples: I'm not lovable I'm not good enough Women can't be trusted Women will always leave me Only YOU know what the particular beliefs are that drive your pattern. Then use the Lefkoe Method to eliminate them. In my opinion it would be worth spending $200. Call (866)533-5631 to see if they have someone in your area to see in person (many licensed therapists use this method) or have a phone session. I prefer phone sessions myself because many beliefs are shame based and difficult to acknowledge. I used to have your problem but once I eliminated a lot of related beliefs, my fear of commitment and abandonment disappeared, thank God. That doesn't guarantee you will live happily ever after. You just have removed some obstacles of your own making. Link to post Share on other sites
FitChick Posted March 9, 2012 Share Posted March 9, 2012 Depends on the chart really, I find the venus and mars signs are indicative of how they can be in relationship matters, as does the moon. Houses matter too. Cafe Astrology has great interactive tools and lots of information. You can get a quick compatibility chart for free. Link to post Share on other sites
zengirl Posted March 9, 2012 Share Posted March 9, 2012 Makes sense. The Sun rules Leo and sometimes Leos can have a rather large ego at times. My sun sign (Virgo) is the complete opposite of my ascendant (Pisces), so ego is something I tend to be at odds with! Saggitarius people aren't always so unsettled I find, they are usually warm but because they are mutable they can be a little elusive. Depends on the chart really, I find the venus and mars signs are indicative of how they can be in relationship matters, as does the moon. Houses matter too. Right. Yes, of the 3 major signs -- sun, moon, rising -- moon tells us the most about relationships, though venus and mars tell us much as well. Ironically, I am a Leo (Leo, Capricorn Moon, Aquarius Rising) btw. Link to post Share on other sites
denise_xo Posted March 9, 2012 Share Posted March 9, 2012 I've noticed that every Saggitarius girl I meet usually has GREAT legs Yes, I do to. There is definitely a relation :laugh: Link to post Share on other sites
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