Author USMCHokie Posted March 9, 2012 Author Share Posted March 9, 2012 You DO? With this woman, didn't you specifically say that you did NOT want a relationship and did NOT want it to get serious? But that you knew she was really into you? And now you find yourself in a relationship you don't want and you're acting surprised? You knew this from the get go. Yes, neither of us expected it or intended for a relationship to happen...but as you know of my history and habit, when a girl shows interest in me in the initial stages, my interest spikes and I become relationship-minded regardless of my true interest... Link to post Share on other sites
Star Gazer Posted March 9, 2012 Share Posted March 9, 2012 I think the best thing you can do is be honest with people about who you are. Then they can choose whether to get involved with you or not, and you have full integrity and no guilt. Yeeeeeah, see... It's that whole honesty/integrity thing that he struggles with. I do end up leading them on and making them think that I am as interested in the relationship as they are... Link to post Share on other sites
Author USMCHokie Posted March 9, 2012 Author Share Posted March 9, 2012 I think u should not date anyone serious for awhile until u have a good relationship with urself . Just my opinion. Just hang out with them. I'm not sure how or even what this feels like... Link to post Share on other sites
tornangel Posted March 9, 2012 Share Posted March 9, 2012 I agree at least be honest, but not many people can be honest with another person , let alone themselves. But just tell them u arent interested in rushing anything at all. But normally u have to work thru these issues alone first. Or u will more than likely hurt someone ( including urself ) : ( I mean even if someone says they want to be friends with benefits , it doesnt mean they dont end up feeling used ever. Their problem I know, but we all do have a heart . Link to post Share on other sites
tornangel Posted March 9, 2012 Share Posted March 9, 2012 U have to be alone with urself long enough to feel what it feels like. U have to find who you are, what u love, what u hate, what u wanna do, the past , the future,,, everything : ) quite the journey Link to post Share on other sites
Author USMCHokie Posted March 9, 2012 Author Share Posted March 9, 2012 if u dont think much of urself , ur just projecting it on these random women u cant commit to because of ur own insecurities. It has absolutely NOTHING to do with these girls and EVERYTHING to do with u... U need to start working on ur own issues ALONE, I absolutely agree; I never said it had anything to do with them...hence this thread as my attempt to find some answers or guidance on what issues exist and how to unf*ck myself... Link to post Share on other sites
Star Gazer Posted March 9, 2012 Share Posted March 9, 2012 Yes, neither of us expected it or intended for a relationship to happen...but as you know of my history and habit, when a girl shows interest in me in the initial stages, my interest spikes and I become relationship-minded regardless of my true interest... I don't think for a second that you didn't think she was hoping for a relationship from the very beginning, and that you led her to believe that was in the cards. I mean, who's heard of a 28 year old attractive military guy needing to fly to Arkansas for some light fun and a$$ from a woman 18 years older than him? Or flying her out to SoCal to see you and spend the weekend at the beach? That's not easy breezy just having fun. I also don't think you actually become relationship-minded, otherwise you wouldn't pull a 180 the very moment you find yourself in a relationship. You lead these women on from the outset. Link to post Share on other sites
kaylan Posted March 9, 2012 Share Posted March 9, 2012 I know why he feels this way...his girlfriends isnt that hot, or not super attractive to him. Do I win the thread? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
tornangel Posted March 9, 2012 Share Posted March 9, 2012 I honestly think u are terrified of being alone. and at being commited at the same time. U are not okay with real intamacy and need the fake stuff to hold u over. I think u honestly need to start figuring out why u feel the need to sabatoge these relationships , but lead them on. My feelings are still u want to be loved, but u dont love urself. So u constantly try to get it from another. And that just doesnt work Link to post Share on other sites
Author USMCHokie Posted March 9, 2012 Author Share Posted March 9, 2012 I don't think for a second that you didn't think she was hoping for a relationship from the very beginning, and that you led her to believe that was in the cards. I mean, who's heard of a 28 year old attractive military guy needing to fly to Arkansas for some light fun and a$$ from a woman 18 years older than him? Or flying her out to SoCal to see you and spend the weekend at the beach? That's not easy breezy just having fun. Last Friday, I actually bought a plane ticket that morning for a red-eye that night to stay ~24 hours...sh*t's expensive... I also don't think you actually become relationship-minded, otherwise you wouldn't pull a 180 the very moment you find yourself in a relationship. It's not the exact moment I'm in a relationship...it's been about 3 weeks of officialness now...and for a while, I legitimately wanted something real with her...as in something that would last through and after my deployment... You lead these women on from the outset. I still disagree, but we'll just leave it at that. Link to post Share on other sites
Author USMCHokie Posted March 9, 2012 Author Share Posted March 9, 2012 I know why he feels this way...his girlfriends isnt that hot, or not super attractive to him. Do I win the thread? Yes. ------- Link to post Share on other sites
Star Gazer Posted March 9, 2012 Share Posted March 9, 2012 ...his girlfriends isnt that hot, or not super attractive to him. I certainly wouldn't disagree with the above portion. She's 18 years older than him and honestly looks even older than that, at least in pictures. Sorry, Hokie... but if you have GIGS in this instance it's warranted because your yard just... isn't pretty. Link to post Share on other sites
Author USMCHokie Posted March 9, 2012 Author Share Posted March 9, 2012 I honestly think u are terrified of being alone. and at being commited at the same time. U are not okay with real intamacy and need the fake stuff to hold u over. I think u honestly need to start figuring out why u feel the need to sabatoge these relationships , but lead them on. My feelings are still u want to be loved, but u dont love urself. So u constantly try to get it from another. And that just doesnt work I would generally agree with all statements above... Link to post Share on other sites
Star Gazer Posted March 9, 2012 Share Posted March 9, 2012 Last Friday, I actually bought a plane ticket that morning for a red-eye that night to stay ~24 hours...sh*t's expensive... You're not making any sense. This sort of thing is NOT something you do to see someone you don't want to be with. Link to post Share on other sites
Author USMCHokie Posted March 9, 2012 Author Share Posted March 9, 2012 You're not making any sense. This sort of thing is NOT something you do to see someone you don't want to be with. I told you, all of this hit me no sh*t a few hours ago...I was all about this girl (or woman...or lady...?)... Link to post Share on other sites
tornangel Posted March 9, 2012 Share Posted March 9, 2012 You werent all about her. It could have been anyone that showed interest in u. Its fake , its the IDEA. Thats all, nothing more. But u have so much emptiness inside that u need anything to fill it. Even an idea 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Star Gazer Posted March 9, 2012 Share Posted March 9, 2012 That recent, huh? Have you recently met or even just seen another girl/woman that you found very attractive? And then maybe compared her to who you're currently with? Link to post Share on other sites
tornangel Posted March 9, 2012 Share Posted March 9, 2012 Until u fill it with love from URSELF u will always be a wanderer... Link to post Share on other sites
kaylan Posted March 9, 2012 Share Posted March 9, 2012 Dump her and date a chick closer to your age that you are actually pretty dang attracted to. Dont settle on what you really want brah. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Star Gazer Posted March 9, 2012 Share Posted March 9, 2012 You werent all about her. It could have been anyone that showed interest in u. Its fake , its the IDEA. Thats all, nothing more. But u have so much emptiness inside that u need anything to fill it. Even an idea Yup. ...... Link to post Share on other sites
Author USMCHokie Posted March 9, 2012 Author Share Posted March 9, 2012 You werent all about her. It could have been anyone that showed interest in u. Its fake , its the IDEA. Thats all, nothing more. But u have so much emptiness inside that u need anything to fill it. Even an idea No, you're absolutely right...it really could have been anyone who showed interest in me...I'm in love with the idea of someone actually being interested in me... So how will I ever even know that I'm dating someone because I like her and not because I like that she's interested...? Link to post Share on other sites
Author USMCHokie Posted March 9, 2012 Author Share Posted March 9, 2012 That recent, huh? Have you recently met or even just seen another girl/woman that you found very attractive? And then maybe compared her to who you're currently with? Yes. That's continuous (). No. The hamster wheel started spinning in my head that I still want the whole marriage and kids thing...which is something that she probably can't provide...and I guess I was so enamored by her interest in me that I purposefully neglected considering that fact and went ahead with the relationship... Link to post Share on other sites
Star Gazer Posted March 9, 2012 Share Posted March 9, 2012 No, you're absolutely right...it really could have been anyone who showed interest in me...I'm in love with the idea of someone actually being interested in me... So how will I ever even know that I'm dating someone because I like her and not because I like that she's interested...? Find one you're interested in independently, and pursue her, instead of just going along with any old broad (no pun intended) who falls in your lap. Link to post Share on other sites
Tybalt Posted March 9, 2012 Share Posted March 9, 2012 I asked how you felt because I was curious if you were having "fight or flight" type feelings, if you were experiencing actual sensations of panic or anxiety when you consider getting close in a more "real" way with someone, etc. These feelings, when they are activated outside of a rational/reasonable context, are often "triggered" emotions and are about reliving something in the past. If your girlfriend really isn't doing it for you, the we are back to you responding and wanting someone only because they want you. I'm in agreement with what tornangel is saying about looking for external validation for your security and feelings of self worth. And you enjoy "fake" intimacy, but the real deal involves seeing another person for who they are. It also involves accepting that they are imperfect and can't validate or make you feel good about yourself when you are so profoundly uncomfortable in your own skin. You always try to figure it out, Hokie, and that's good. I think it is very possible when we get wrapped up very strongly in our own issues, to be blind to the needs of others, and it's more likely others get hurt. Damaged people damage others, unfortunately. Because of this truth I think it is important for everyone to start actively seeking resolution and healing before going out and involving others in their issues. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
tornangel Posted March 9, 2012 Share Posted March 9, 2012 Start liking urself first , then u will know that u are interested in her because she loves the same things about you that you love about urself, U push these women away because they try to love things about you that u cant love for whatever reason. Link to post Share on other sites
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